Original subtitles

Good morning.

Wow.

Fresh fruit, fresh pastries,

fresh coffee.

What do you want?

Nothing. When you come into the diner,

I have to serve all those other people.

I just thought today

I'd do something special just for you.

Yeah, I'm touched.

What do you want?

Well...

Yeah, here we go.

Come on.

Well, you know, Thanksgiving's coming up and...

Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh, hold it right there.

Now, we had a deal.

No holidays, no parents, no celebrations.

Yeah, yeah, no joy of any kind, but I just thought that...

No, no, no "thought."

What'd you think you could do?

You know, hypnotize me with this fancy breakfast

into changing my mind?

I wasn't born yesterday, you know.

Oh... my God, it's like a flaky, buttery heart attack.

John, one of my suppliers gave me a free turkey,

and it's just going to go bad if I don't cook it.

It's Thanksgiving.

We're together for the first time.

Let's... let's celebrate that.

L-I planned to, you know.

I gave this some thought.

I got us reservations at IHOP.

And there'll be two of us, so we might even get a booth.

You don't even have to leave your apartment.

I'll bring everything down here.

I'll cook. I'll clean up.

All you have to do is eat, watch football and burp.

All right.

Let me get this straight:

- You'll cook the free turkey? -Mm-hmm.

You'll clean up the free turkey?

And all I have to do is eat the free turkey?

Anything about that appeal to you?

All right, I'm not saying yes, but...

I'm thinking about it.

Holy crap.

Sticky buns. Oh, gee.

Oh, these are so bad for you.

Oh, you got to be kidding.

You're putting up Thanksgiving decorations?

I mean, look around you.

Exactly what are you thankful for?

That I have you in my life.

Oh, well, okay, then.

He knows you're kidding, right?

Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

So, what are your holiday plans?

I don't know.

Last year, I spent it

with my grandmother and my girlfriend.

Now one's dead, and the other's a lying slut

who tore my heart into a million pieces.

The slut would be my ex-girlfriend.

Aw, you're really going to be all alone?

I don't know.

I could go to the Braille Institute.

They say they put out a lovely spread, but who knows for sure?

Or, if John would stop waving his arms behind me,

maybe I could, uh...

maybe I could spend it with you two.

- What are you guys doing? -Nothing.

I'm cooking dinner at John's apartment.

Liar. I'll be there.

Now, I'm going to go to my newsstand

so that John can yell at you in private.

Yeah, thank you.

This is how you keep a promise?

Supposed to be just the two of us.

Look, he's our friend. He's having a hard time.

You want him to spend Thanksgiving alone

with no one to talk to? Would you like that?

I'd kill for that.

Hey, buddy, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?

Oh, spending it with Chris and John.

- Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

NO, no, no, no, no, no, no.

So, you guys are having Thanksgiving, huh?

Oh, Hector, you don't have any plans?

Well, my brother invited me over, but it's kind of a drag,

especially since a couple years ago,

my sister-in-law went veggie on us.

Oh, you mean like she makes tofu turkey?

No, I mean like she got drunk

and fell out of the stands at a Jets game.

She's in a special home in Queens.

I could change my plans if you...

No, no, no, no. You know, actually...

Nah, it's-it's-it's Thanksgiving time.

That-that's family time.

Yeah, I guess.

You know, if you feel like stopping by after,

you're-you're more than welcome.

Yeah, but don't feel obligated, you know.

You know, you owe it to your sister-in-law.

I mean, somewhere inside, she knows you're there.

She doesn't even know she's there.

Ah, we may have dodged a bullet on that one,

but no more invitations.

Just supposed to be you, me and Jake.

Right.

And my sister.

Your... your what?

Okay, look, my sister Grace called.

I haven't seen her in a couple years.

She's coming into town...

You never told me about a sister.

Well, I'm telling you now.

But you definitely never told me about her coming to visit.

Well, I'm telling you now.

Well, great, you know. When is she getting here?

Well, actually... now.

Piglet!

Gracie!

_°h 'Hi! "W sod!

How are you?

It's so good to see you.

- I missed you so much. -Oh, you look great.

Oh, it's good to see you.

Oh! John...

Uh, this is my sister Gracie. This is John.

- I told you all about him. -Nice to meet you.

How do you do? Nice to meet you, too.

"Piglet"?

Nickname. Just sh-shut up.

She told me you were a doctor, but she never said

you were so much better-looking than her ex-husband.

- Ah. -You've certainly traded up.

What a loser he was, huh?

Okay, okay. You really want to talk about past mistakes?

- Okay, good point.

Uh, and this is my friend, Jake.

- He runs a newsstand. -Hi. -Hi there, Jake.

Nice to meet you. And you are also

much better-looking than her ex-husband.

Okay, okay, fine. We got that sorted out.

Great. How was your trip?

Are you hungry? Are you tired?

- You look tired. Can I get you something? -I'm, uh...

- I'm fine, Mom. I'm fine. - Yeah?

I just thought maybe I could get the keys to your apartment,

-crash there till you get home. -Okay. Yep.

L-I hope you're joining us for Thanksgiving.

Are you kidding?

I've been looking forward to it for months.

- Great. Now I don't have to sit alone at the kids table. -Oh.

Uh, ex-excuse me. "Months"?

Can-can I talk to you for a second?

Actually, why don't you walk me to my office.

Uh, we, uh... can't we... can't we just talk here?

No, not in front of the kids.

Spin this any way you want.

You set me up, Piglet.

Of course I did, and don't call me that.

It is not what you think.

Oh, yeah? What is it, then?

Okay, it is what you think.

But I look good now, and that's what counts.

Oh... Can we get back to your sister, please?

All right, I couldn't tell you

I wanted to cook Thanksgiving dinner

'cause she was coming. You would have said "no."

You're damn right I would have. We had an agreement.

Look, John, Grace has always been

a little flaky, but I love her.

She's had some problems.

She needs me to help her get back on her feet.

Come on, that's what shrinks and alcohol are for. What...?

All right, fine, fine.

It'll be you, me, Jake, maybe Hector,

and now your sister.

But I don't want one more person.

What the hell are you doing with that camera?

My parents gave it to me.

We're not gonna be together for Thanksgiving

'cause they're going on a cruise.

Okay, it's not a cruise.

That's just what they tell people

when they're going into rehab.

Okay...

They sent me this so I can show them what I did for the holiday.

Now alls I need is something to do.

What are you guys doing?

Uh, actually, uh...

What did we just talk about?

Play back that tape, Linda.

I don't know how to do that yet.

Oh, John, stop fighting it.

Linda, we'd love to have you for Thanksgiving.

Oh, no.

Oh, so you're doing Thanksgiving?

Can Lewis and I come?

No. No way. Absolutely not.

I hate Lewis. Lewis hates me.

So, you'll have something in common.

Besides, we have nowhere else to go,

and I don't want to cook, so just suck it up.

I'll let you know what you can bring.

Okay...

Get that thing out of my face!

I don't know why people wait until Christmas

to kill themselves.

Mr. O'Neal, all right, it says...

"work-related accident." What happened?

We were inflating the giant balloons

for the Thanksgiving Day Parade...

What did you do, swallow the whole helium tank?

Don't... don't worry, the effects are temporary.

You're not going to have to go through life

with that stupid chipmunk voice.

This is my normal voice.

The tank fell off the truck.

I think it broke my toe.

Oh, yeah.

It says that right here.

Maybe I should read these things first.

Yeah, maybe you should.

Okay, okay, you can open your eyes. We're here.

Oh, my God, you should have seen

the look on those people's faces!

I was showing Grace how to be blind.

Yeah. He gave me these dark glasses

and taught me how to use the cane,

and I got so good at it,

people thought they were staring at two blind people.

It was literally the blind leading the blind!

Looks like you-know-who hooked up with...

I-don't-know-who.

Um, that's my sister.

Uh, Grace, this is Margaret and Linda.

They'll be joining us for Thanksgiving.

- Hello. - Hi!

We just came by to grab the paper.

Yeah, Jake's gonna take me to see a movie.

- Yep. -Oh, okay.

- Okay? Thanks. Bye. -Well, have fun. Yeah.

- Enjoy yourselves. -Bye.

Bye. See you.

Oh, this is not good.

She just got here yesterday,

and she's been with him practically ever since.

So, they hit it off.

- What's the big deal? - No, no.

Well, Grace has kind of a weird history with men.

I just... I just don't want Jake to get hurt.

What are you talking about?

You know what? It's nothing.

Just forget I mentioned it.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. "A weird history"?

No, you can't leave us hanging like that.

Yeah. This just got good.

What's wrong with her?

I'm sorry. I-l promised Grace I wouldn't say anything.

The past is the past.

Just, uh, let's drop it.

Oh, great. I wasn't even interested.

Now I have to know.

Wait.

Let me get your good side.

Okay... go ahead.

All right. But you got to promise not to say anything.

- Sure. -Keep talking.

I haven't seen my sister in a while because she was...

well, sort of...

a little bit... in prison.

- Oh, my God. -What?

Your sister was in jail?

In prison. Jail's where they hold you before the trial.

What the hell'd she do?

Oh, relax. It's not like she killed someone.

So what was she in for?

Trying to kill someone.

Mom, Dad, I bet I look pretty good now.

Attempted murder?

Look, look, it's not as bad as it sounds.

She just kind of tried to...

stab her husband.

Why?

It's a long story.

I'll put in another tape.

Gra-Grace has always had this problem with anger.

When-when she was five,

some boy wouldn't get on the see-saw with her,

so she snapped the heads off all his G.l. Joes.

Chris, the stabbing?

Yeah, yeah, I'm getting to that.

And then when she was older and started dating,

she went from G.l. Joes to keying this one guy's car...

Chris, the stabbing!

Okay, okay, I'll skip to the stabbing part.

I'm ready now.

Could you take it again from the top?

No!

Anyway, this one Thanksgiving,

she and her then-husband were having a fight.

She wheeled around with the electric carving knife, and...

let's just say he lost his pinky ring...

and his pinky.

Ah! Maybe we should be with Lewis's mother for the holiday.

- Take me with you. - No, no, no, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait, you guys.

You have to come.

I mean, this was a one-time thing.

She-she's really not like that.

What she-she needs now is to be with family and friends.

Come on.

- Okay. -Fine.

So... so let me recap.

I could've been at IHOP, having my turkey and pancakes,

but instead I'm going to be hosting Thanksgiving dinner

at my place with a homicidal ex-con

who may or may not kill my best friend!

Well, if you put it like that, of course it sounds bad.

Okay, you owe me big-time.

I went to ten different stores,

and not one of them had whipping cream.

So, what'd they have?

Beer. You want one?

I've already had two.

Since when do you drink so much?

Since Lizzie Borden showed up for Thanksgiving.

So, have you heard from Jake?

Or the coroner's office?

Oh, stop it. He called. They're on their way.

Everything's fine.

For now.

Are you sure you set this table right?

Isn't it forks on the left, shivs on the right?

This is why I don't tell you things.

Look, I feel guilty enough as it is that I said anything.

I just... I want to help my sister

get her life back together, so stop making jokes,

or I swear I'll cut you like a wheel of Brie.

Obviously runs in the family.

- Oh, hi, John. -Mm.

Uh, is the sister here yet?

No.

Do you think this is a good idea?

Yeah, I'm not sure.

But as long as we don't piss her off,

I think we'll be all right.

Uh, do you have a hair dryer?

I have to dry out Lewis's pants.

Why isn't he in them?

Well, he was sitting on your bed watching football,

and he spilled a beer.

He's sitting on my bed

watching football in his underwear?

No, he's naked. It-it soaked all the way through.

- Hair dryer? -Bathroom.

Hey.

Mom, Dad, I just walked into Dr. Becker's apartment.

If anything bad happens here today,

I love you both very much.

Oh, and when I was 14,

I stole Mom's diamond bracelet to buy dope.

But in my defense, it was really good dope.

Linda, relax.

I told you, Grace made one little mistake years ago.

Yeah, one little pinky-sized mistake.

Does Jake need all his fingers to read Braille?

Stop it, both of you.

John, you want to open the door?

It's getting a little warm in here.

They just went to a movie.

I'd hardly call that a relationship.

Yeah, well, unless his tongue's an hors d'oeuvre,

I'd call that a relationship.

Lewis, get your pants on!

We're eating!

- Who wants more white meat? -Mmm.

I'll carve.

No, I'll-I'll get that.

Don't be silly. I've got it. I'm right here.

- Here you go. -Ah, thank you.

- Oh, yeah. -Thank you.

Chris, the turkey is delicious.

Oh, thank you.

Isn't the turkey delicious?

Yes, no, it is delicious.

- Very delicious. -Really delicious.

Chris, thank you again for setting this all up.

Yes, it was a good thing.

- Wasn't it a good thing? -It's a good thing.

A very good thing.

Uh, Jake, could you pass me the salt, please?

- For what? -My stuffing.

I need it for my stuffing.

Did you taste it? I think it tastes fine.

Oh, yeah, but I like to put salt on everything.

You know, you really shouldn't put salt on everything.

- Pass the salt! -Pass her the salt!

All right, all right, all right, all right!

Stop it.

Is, uh... is something wrong?

- Mm-mm. No. -Mm! Nothing's wrong.

Everything's fine.

You told them, didn't you?

Told them what?

It, uh... it-it came up in conversation.

Oh, really, really?

And exactly how did that happen?

How did what happen?

You're making her mad.

I specifically asked you not to say anything,

but you just couldn't resist making me look bad

in front of all your friends, right?

- You know what? I'm leaving. -What?

Wait, wait. Where are you going?

I'm going upstairs to pack.

I was going to wait and tell you later, but...

I'm moving in with Jake.

- Oh, boy. -Oh!

I don't believe it! You-you just met him.

I know, isn't it great? We just hit it off!

What, no congratulations?

Oh, please, from her? All she does is criticize.

Criticize?

No, no, no. Don't you make this my problem.

Your whole life, you've done nothing

but sponge off other people.

- Easy, easy! -No, no, no, calm...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, she needs to hear this.

I mean, first, Mom and Dad, then one guy after another.

L-I thought maybe you'd finally grown up,

but obviously I was wrong.

What is your problem?!

We're not getting married.

I'm just gonna stay with him till I get back on my feet.

Uh-huh? To get on your feet,

first you'd have to get off your back.

Oh!

You know, you always know what to say

to really piss me off.

You know, I don't think we need these knives.

Pass 'em on down.

I mean, when are you going to stop relying on other people

and start doing things for yourself?

You sound just like my husband.

- Husband? -Ex-husband.

Oh, you know what? We don't need these forks.

I mean, grow up already.

You've never had a job.

You've never had your own apartment.

You're like a child! A spoiled little child!

Who are you to lecture me on what to do with my life?

I mean, you run a crappy diner that even I wouldn't eat in.

Oh, that hurts, that hurts, considering the fact

that your last meal was in the prison cafeteria.

Prison?

You know, I paid my debt to society.

I didn't know I had to pay it to you, too.

You know, you know, the pilgrims ate with their hands.

Let me...

Do you know how embarrassing it is to tell people

your sister is in jail for attempted murder?

- Murder? - Attempted murder.

Gracie, I have spent my whole life covering for you,

helping you, making excuses for you,

but you know what?

I am done!

Well, you know what?

That's fine, because I don't need you, anyway.

Let's go, Jake.

Jake?

Perfect.

Now look what you've done.

You've completely ruined my relationship.

Wait, relationship? What, I-l cooked the turkey

longer than the two of you were together.

You know what? I don't even know why I came to see you, honestly.

I mean, I had this idiotic notion

that it might be good

to be with your family on Thanksgiving.

So, should we all go around the table

and say what we're thankful for?

Oh, thank you for coming.

Oh! Sorry to put you in the middle of

my little family drama.

You know, seeing you and Grace together

made me wish I had a sister, too.

You're drunk, aren't you?

Severely.

Don't worry. We'll get her home.

Good night.

- Good night. -Night.

Well... are you particularly fond of these dishes?

Because I'm thinking of just throwing 'em all out.

They've been in my family for years.

Toss 'em.

--Oh!

Can you get that, please?

Nope.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

That's all I had.

"We're-we're sisters.

"We shouldn't be fighting on Thanksgiving.

Family's too important."

Come on. Do I have to do this all myself?

Gracie, I-l am really sorry if I hurt you.

No, no. Look, what you said to me tonight

isn't anything I haven't already heard from Mom, Dad,

that judge, Carol...

- Carol? -My cell mate.

She was serving five to ten for arson,

but what a great judge of character, though.

The point is I need to, uh, make some changes.

And it's about time

I started taking control of my own life

and stopped relying on other people.

Mm. So you're moving back in with Mom and Dad?

Yeah, yeah.

But you know how that is.

After a couple weeks, I'm usually ready to kill 'em.

- But... - You know what I mean.

I'm going to go upstairs and finish packing.

I'll be up soon.

We can talk some more.

Yeah, that'd be great.

Thank you.

Even though it didn't start out that well,

it-it turned out to be a pretty good Thanksgiving.

I'm, uh... I'm glad I did this.

Next year MOP'?

Oh, yeah.