Original subtitles

That was wonderful.

- Mm... -Yeah.

I know. I feel so good I could light up.

That's so sweet.

No, I meant I wish I still smoked.

Oh.

No, no, it was great.

In fact, even though we've only slept together,

-what, five times... -No, no, wait.

You're counting that first one?

It was like, uh, you know,

the first pancake-- the one you throw away.

Well, fine, four times.

The point is that I feel different with you.

With other women, afterwards I usually feel so...

doomed.

I don't care what that meant. I'm just...

I'm going to take it as a compliment.

No, it was. It was.

I like having you here next to me.

Yeah.

Just not... not with your head on my shoulder.

When my arm falls asleep,

I think I'm having a heart attack.

Oh, wh... why didn't you say so? Come here. Hey.

Come on.

Your-your hair is in my face.

All right, flip over.

Clearly, I won't have that problem.

You-you have my pillow.

What is the difference?

It fits my head, and I like the way it smells.

Okay, all right.

You want it under your head or mashed over your face?

I'm sorry.

I'm on your side of the bed, aren't I?

I didn't want to say anything.

This is nice.

Whoa, dude, when'd you start selling this trash?

What? I've always sold Entertainment Weekly.

No, I meant good trash.

Horny Housewives?

Big Ass Babes?

What? I didn't order those.

Oh, that damn magazine distributor.

I keep telling him I won't sell that stuff.

Now he's sending them anyway?

What, he thinks because I'm blind I won't know?

You wouldn't know if I hadn't told you.

I got to call and have them picked up.

Do me a favor, Hector.

Just put those behind the counter.

Hold on.

Maybe they're not as bad as you think.

I'll take one home, check it out and get back to you.

You going to pay for that?

According to my priest, yeah.

- Hey, morning. - Hi, Hector. How are you?

It's okay, I got it.

Oh, good, good.

Hey, Chris, I made some coffee.

Oh, thanks, Jake.

That was so kind and thoughtful and considerate.

He-he just made coffee.

You know, let's not give him the Nobel Prize.

Can I have some to go, please?

Yeah. Give me a second to catch my breath.

I'm still winded from our romantic sprint over here.

I got long legs, and I'm not used to walking with anyone.

Mmm.

When you caught up, it was nice.

Yeah, yeah, it was.

Here you go. I'll see you later.

No, no, no, Jake's here.

He can't see what we're doing.

Yeah, I know, but he can hear, and it's creepy.

It's like having a dog in the room.

I sure heard that!

Anyway, you know, I-I'm not big on that touchy-feely stuff.

Yeah, I didn't hear any complaints

last night in the shower.

I heard that, too. Come on, people.

See, now... now Jake knows.

I'm going to hear about this the rest of my life.

Bye-bye, Mr. Bubble.

I know I'm late, but before you say anything,

I have an excuse.

Well, "excuse" sounds like I'm making something up,

which I usually do, but this actually happened.

This morning, I wake up in Baltimore,

-and this... -Linda...

I don't care.

Oh, good, 'cause that's all I had.

Wait a minute.

You're not yelling at me. Are you okay?

I'm fine.

No, you're not.

Linda, I am okay.

No, something's wrong.

Come on, you know I'm going to keep bugging you

until you tell me, so let's speed this up

'cause I want to leave early today.

It's me and Lewis.

This again?

Our life together has become so dull.

I go home, we have dinner in front of the TV,

and then, when we go to bed,

he kisses me good night like he's my uncle.

Oh, right, full on the mouth, all slobbery.

No. On top of the head.

No wonder you don't go home for Thanksgiving.

Maybe you guys just need a vacation.

You know, go someplace and recapture that special thing

you once saw in each other.

Whatever the hell that was.

We can't afford a vacation.

All of us don't have rich parents, you know.

Yeah, that must suck for you.

Mr. McCann...

your blood test came back

with a slightly elevated PSA

which could indicate a... an infection.

It's probably nothing, but just to be on the safe side,

I think we ought to check your prostate.

Okay. How do we do that?

You've never had this done?

No. So what do I do?

Open my mouth and say "ah"?

Well, that's one of the sounds you might make.

Is this an invasive procedure?

Oh, this is the granddaddy of invasive procedures. Uh...

Margaret, I figured out how you and Lewis

can afford to go on vacation.

You mean, wait for his mother to die

and collect the insurance?

Never happen.

True evil lives forever.

No. I used to work for this telemarketing service.

It's only a few hours a night, and it's really good money.

Here's the number.

Oh, thanks, Linda.

Maybe I'll check into it.

Ooh, you know, that prostate exam wasn't so bad.

Well... thank you. I've had years of practice.

Fishing for change in pay phones has finally paid off.

Go ahead and finish those antibiotics and come on back in

and we'll recheck the prostate.

When?

Uh, a couple weeks.

I've got Friday free.

Get out of here. Go on. Go on.

It's open.

- Hey. -Oh, hey.

What are you doing?

Uh, I'm reading.

Do... do we have plans for tonight?

No, but I thought we could have dinner.

So I picked up some Chinese food and some beer.

- Oh, that's nice. -Yeah.

Uh, but I-l already ate.

Oh, okay.

So, uh... so what are we reading?

Um...

medical journals.

I'm just, you know,

checking up on all the latest techniques and...

-and-and drugs. Yeah. -Oh.

Making sure that no one I hate got published.

Okay, well, uh, you keep doing what you're doing.

I'll just, uh... I'll keep you company.

Mm.

Mm. Oh.

Oh, it's amazing.

Oh, my God.

Here, try this.

- Here, taste this. -No, no, thanks.

- Here, take a bite. Taste it. -No, no, I-l...

- Taste it. Taste it. -I really don't want to.

Come on, take a bite.

It's good, huh? Isn't it good?

- It's delicious. -Yeah.

Mmm. Oh, my God, what time is it?

Knicks are on.

- Oh, no, don't... -Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm!

Great shot! Yeah!

Okay, bye-bye-

Hi. I'm Margaret.

Doris.

Um, he told me to just, uh, sit here

and-and wait for someone to call.

LS-is that it?

Yeah, it's pretty simple.

They call, tell you what they want, and you give it them.

Oh.

Ooh, look, I got one.

Good evening. How may I help you?

Oh, my God. I just got an obscene phone call.

Well, when they're paying $3.95 a minute,

there's usually not a lot of chit-chat.

This is a sex line?

Nobody told me that.

I thought I was going to be selling things like the...

like the Pocket Fisherman.

In a way, you are.

No, I can't do this.

I am a moral, churchgoing woman.

And I'm a curious college freshman

exploring my newfound sexuality.

I'm leaving.

You can clear 500 bucks a night.

Hi.

Come on! $20 million a year, you can run down the court!

It's called defense, not golf!

I'm disturbing you?

In the first quarter, you were disturbing me.

Now your voice is like a knife in my ear.

Not the sweetest way to put it,

but if I'm bothering you, I'll just go upstairs.

No, no, wait, wait, look, wait, wait, look,

I like spending time with you,

but we-we've been together, like, three nights in a row,

and I just need, you know, some me time.

Oh, well, why didn't you just say so?

Well, I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

"Knife in my ear"?

Well, come on, that can't be

the first time you've heard that.

No, really, John, if you wanted some time alone,

why didn't you just say so?

You're not mad?

No, no. Look, if we can't be honest with each other,

what chance do we have?

Good night.

- Good night. -Yeah.

See you tomorrow.

I'm all alone.

I... This may be the best relationship I've ever had.

It was good for me, too, baby.

Call me again. Just ask for Evian.

Bye-bye, lover.

Rot in hell, you pervert.

Hi. What's your name?

Could you hold on for just a moment?

Oh, Jesus, take me now.

It's your first night. Give it a week,

-you'll have heard everything. -Oh...

That's my husband on the phone.

Want me to take him?

Come on, man. Hurry up.

Which magazine do you want-- Juggs or Big Ass Farm Girls?

Give me the, uh...

Hey, hey! Jake! You're back!

So, sir, would you like Time...

or Newsweek?

Give me the, uh, the Big Ass...

Newsweek.

Excellent choice.

Wow. Suddenly, we're selling a lot of newsmagazines.

You know, people talk about the dumbing down of America.

I just don't see it.

No, you don't.

- Hey, Chris. -Hey.

I only got a few minutes.

Can I have a toasted bagel and coffee to go, please?

Yeah. In a second.

Actually, when I said "a few minutes,"

I-I kind of meant I need it now.

Yeah, uh... could you wait? It's a little crazy in here.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

L-I see what this is. I knew it!

Yeah, this is you getting me back

for that "me time" comment, right?

What-what are you talking about?

Yeah, you said you weren't angry last night,

but obviously you were,

and now you're doing this whole passive-aggressive thing

just to pay me back, and I hate that.

Yeah, yeah, that's exactly what's going on here.

I brought all these people in here

just to make it look like I'm too busy for you.

All right, who had the pancakes, who had the eggs?

You know, who cares? Let 'em fight over it.

- Come here. I want to talk to you. -I'm so sorry.

Look, you have got to stop this.

I am not mad about last night, but I'm beginning

to get really pissed off about right now!

Now, see, I knew you were mad, and I just don't think

it's fair of you to take it out on me.

You know what? This is crazy.

You come in here, you put words in my mouth,

and then you don't like what I say.

I don't have time for this nonsense.

I swear, I don't know what women want.

Apparently, other women.

Why would you say that?

- There's an article about it in Newsweek. -Oh.

Morning, Margaret.

That telemarketer you sent me to was a phone sex business!

You're kidding!

It wasn't when I was there.

I suggested it, but who listens to me?

Unfortunately, I did.

It was the most humiliating experience of my life.

Especially when one of the callers was Lewis!

Ugh, that's so weird. Your husband's name is Lewis.

It was Lewis.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure. He used his real name.

And the whole thing only lasted a minute.

So what happened when you got home?

Nothing. I couldn't say anything.

Otherwise, I would have to admit

that I was the one he was talking to.

Besides, he was asleep

with this big, stupid smile on his face.

Oh, it was horrible.

It was as if he was cheating on me with me!

Well, Margaret, weren't you cheating on him

with, like, 20 other guys?

That's different. That was for money.

Okay, Chris, it's me again.

Look, this is getting ridiculous.

This is the 15th message I've left you,

and you still haven't called me back.

I know this is about the "me time" thing,

but you're a little too old to be playing these childish games.

So, come on, you know, just pick up the damn phone, will you?

You know something, lady?

As far as I'm concerned, you blew it.

You blew it big-time!

All right, I think we both said things we didn't mean.

But it... you know, if you're up there

ignoring my calls, you know, I think...

What the hell is the matter with you?

What the hell's the matter with me?!

I'll tell you what... Oh, geez.

You know, I walk into my apartment two seconds ago,

and the first thing I hear is you ranting into my machine.

Yeah. Where have you been?

Not that I need to report to you,

but after your psychotic display in the diner,

I needed some me time, so I went out to a movie.

Wham? You just disappear?

You-you don't bother to tell me?

Yeah. I didn't want to talk to you.

So you were mad at me! See? I knew it!

All right, you know what? Hey, hey...

I-I am gonna try to explain this to you

one more time.

You told me you needed some time alone.

I was completely fine with that,

but then you come into the diner during my busiest time,

and when I don't drop everything to take care of you,

you accuse me of being spiteful over something

which never bothered me in the first place.

Now, I don't know what you want,

other than you want what you want when you want it,

but I'm sorry, it doesn't work like that.

Well, it can if we want it to.

We don't.

I swear, you-you are the most self-centered,

childish, egotistical man I've ever met.

Yeah, and you're with me.

Maybe you ought to think about that.

Oh, believe me, I'm thinking about it!

But, obviously, I'm twisted enough

to still think this relationship can work.

But that is only gonna happen if we sit down

and hammer some things out.

Like what?

Like what we expect of each other.

Some rules.

Now, we covered the "me time" and your smelly pillow.

What else you got?

Okay, good. I'm glad you asked.

All right, for starters,

I'm not going to hold your hand on the street.

We're not ten years old.

And if-if I forget to open a door for you,

you got two arms-- use 'em.

Don't ever ask me to take you to the airport.

That's what cabs are for.

Don't ask me my opinion if you don't want to hear it.

I don't go anywhere where it's hard to park.

Don't ever eat off my plate.

Your mother's nobody to me.

If you ever make me watch figure skating, we're done.

That's it?

Not a complete list, but it's a start.

Your turn.

I want you to consider my feelings.

Oh, this is totally unworkable!

Wait! Now, what I mean is--

this is not just about you!

We are in a relationship.

Sometimes you have to care about what I want.

Like what?

Like, once in a while, it wouldn't kill you

to hold my hand in the street.

And I'm not asking you

to throw your coat over a puddle,

but would you mind not letting the door smack me in the face?

You know, the little things.

Can you do that?

I suppose I could tr...

You know, I mean, if it's not every...

I-I... you know, I guess...

Yes.

Thank you. It means a lot.

So, are we done fighting?

'Cause sometimes I don't know.

Yeah, I think we are.

Uh, now would be one of those moments

when it would be okay to give me a hug.

So, Margaret, what happened last night?

Did Lewis call again?

Lewis never stopped calling.

Well, what'd you say to him?

You know, generally.

By the fifth call, I quit.

But why? He's just gonna call someone else.

Oh, no, he won't.

By that last call, Evian had a pretty good idea

what Lewis wanted, so when Margaret got home...

well, let's just say we both went to sleep

with big, stupid smiles on our faces.

That's great.

But what if Lewis was thinking about Evian

when he was in bed with you?

Hey, I was thinking about Denzel Washington.

He can think about whoever he wants to.

Look, I-l told you I didn't want these magazines.

Now I have another full delivery!

I don't know how...

What do you mean, my vice president of sales ordered them?

I don't have a...

I'll call you back.

Oh, Mr. Vice President!

A word, please?

Yeah?

I told you I don't want to sell these.

You're not! They're selling themselves!

Get rid of 'em.

You don't want me to do that.

Look how much money you've made.

Hey, you know, I don't care. I don't care.

Listen, what I have on display up here

reflects who I am, all right?

And I want this to be one corner of the world

where decent people can walk by without being offended.

So unwrap these magazines and put 'em down there.

What about your corner of the world?

Well, my corner of the world's still gonna be pure.

However, down there, in Porn Town,

that's where Jake pays the rent.

Oh...

Baby steps.

So... Chris, if it's not too much trouble,

could I have some coffee to go, please?

It would be my pleasure.

And I was wondering, if you're free tonight,

maybe you'd like to have dinner

and then go out to a movie of your choice.

Oh, thanks, John. That'd be lovely.

See how easy it is to be considerate?

Yes, I do.

Um, I have to go to my office now, though,

so I'll, uh... I'll call you later

and see how your day's going.

Well, that'd be nice.

Here's your coffee.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

This one's on the house.

You don't have to pay for it.

Don't kid yourself. I'm paying for it.