Original subtitles

Hey, Jake. How you doing?

Awful.

Yeah, I thought selling my hair to pay my rent

was as low as I could go, but... I was wrong.

I thought I could get some extra cash

by going to the sperm bank,

but I was so depressed that...

well, let's just say I couldn't open up the vault.

Jake, I-I'm a little uncomfortable here.

I'm not really sure exactly what you're asking me to do.

What? Oh, God, no. No.

I've just got to find a way to make some extra money.

Money? That's my specialty. How much you need, Jake?

A thousand bucks.

Whoa, are you screwed.

Tell me about it.

I mean, not only do I have my regular bills,

my ex-girlfriend ran up

a ton of charges on my credit cards.

Yeah, clothes, jewelry, a brand-new boob job.

So you get to pay, but don't get to play.

That's sad.

Look, if you're really in trouble,

I know a great way to make easy money: drugs.

Drug dealing? Are you crazy?

Yeah, you think I'd be running a newsstand

if I could deal drugs?

- I'm talking about drug testing. -Oh.

Companies need to test new products

before they can get them approved.

Don't they usually do that on rats?

Rats, monkeys and...

blind newsstand owners.

Drug testing.

Well, what kind of drugs are we talking about?

Muscle relaxers, mood enhancers.

You know, happy drugs.

You just take the pills, write down any side effects,

and then they cut you a check.

It's a cakewalk.

I can't believe what Amanda's driven me to.

Oh, Amanda again?

Oh, come on, Stevie Wonder, write a new song.

When-when... when are you gonna face it?

It doesn't matter if you're married,

living together, dating or dead.

Once you get involved with a woman,

you never stop paying.

Nice to see you, too.

Oh, hey. Hi. Morning.

Oh, great, probably another collection agency.

Just tell them you haven't seen the bills.

Coffee to go, please.

So, what are you doing?

I'm going to work.

I meant after that.

Going home.

Then what?

Then I'll probably, uh, you know, make supper,

uh, watch TV, sleep, wake up, eat, work, sleep,

and eventually die. Why? What...

Well, last week you said something about us going out,

but you haven't said anything.

Are you waiting for me to ask you out?

No, no, no, I hate that.

So then you are planning on asking me out?

- Absolutely. -Yeah, when?

Look, you know,

the reason I wanted to go outwith you

is because, you know, it felt comfortable.

But you pressuring me like this

makes it feel uncomfortable.

So, let me understand this.

If I don't pressure you, then you'll ask me out?

- Of course. -But-but I can't ask when

'cause then that would be pressure,

and then you won't ask me out.

Right, right.

So what do we do now?

We-we do what we're doing.

You know, things are good.

Let's not screw 'em up.

Screw up what? We haven't gone out yet.

Yes, but we will.

- Yeah, when? -What... See, just did it again.

Look, I just don't want to

rush things and risk ruining what we have.

Which is what?!

Something very important to me.

Isn't it important to you?

Well, yeah, of course it is.

Well, good, good, good.

Then, see, then we're on the same page.

Listen, I'm-I'm telling you,

I've been a victim of credit card fraud.

Well, yes, I gave her the card.

Yes, I said she could use it.

Where's the fraud?

She told me she loved me.

How much is this drug testing thing?

-500 bucks. -Wow.

That could get me through the month.

Come on, I'll take you down there and sign you up.

Okay, well, um,

let me... let me... let me ask you something.

- Is it dangerous? -Nah.

- I've done it a bunch of times. -Yeah?

Once, I even did a very experimental hormone test.

Got me in touch with my feminine side.

I found out she's kind of a bitch.

By the way, those pants make your ass look fat.

Good morning, Linda. Isn't it a glorious day?

You're late.

Whenever I'm late,

I have to come up with a lame excuse.

So let me hear one. And it better be good.

Oh, all right.

Uh, I drove in today, and I got pulled over by a cop.

A speeding ticket? That's your excuse?

Have you learned nothing from me?

Oh, I didn't say I got a ticket.

When the cop came to my window,

I smiled, I tossed back my hair,

and then I threw in a:

"Why, Officer, was I speeding?"

Next thing I knew, he let me go with a warning.

You get to a certain age,

and you wonder if you've still got the magic.

Well, honey, I still got it!

You flirted your way out of a ticket?

Oh, yeah.

But that's immoral.

I believe it was Rabbi Akiva who said,

"it is easier for Heaven and Earth to pass away

than for one dot of the law to become void."

Okay, you are freaking me out.

What are you talking about?

As you know, I've been looking for more meaning in my life,

so I've been checking out different religions.

Well, the Baptists are very friendly,

but they don't seem to believe in air-conditioning.

The Catholics seem a little too pre-occupied right now

to give me the attention I need.

So I've been kind of leaning towards Judaism.

You're gonna become Jewish?

It could happen.

Judaism adds an order to your life,

the hours are very user-friendly,

and don't get me started on the food.

But the most appealing part about it

is their emphasis on ethics and morality.

Something it might not hurt you to look in to.

I was feeling really good when I came in here.

Now you got me feeling guilty.

Maybe you're already Jewish!

Okay, so do I take these pills

on a full stomach or an empty stomach?

It doesn't matter. They're suppositories.

So, how do I take 'em?

You remember what I told you to do

with those magazine subscriptions

you tried to sell me?

That ain't right.

You're not going to believe what's going on with Linda.

Arrested? Pregnant? I hate this game.

She's thinking of becoming Jewish.

Oh, those poor people.

5,000 years of persecution, and now Linda?

Okay, smart-ass.

I've been thinking about what you said,

and you didn't say anything!

So we're going to try this talk again,

and I mean now!

Okay, calm down, will you?

Indoor voice.

I'll be in my office. Just...

What the hell was that about?

Oh, come on, all that double-talk:

"Let's not rush things.

I don't want to ruin what we have."

Look, John, if you don't want to go out

with me, just say so.

Well, I did want to go outwith you,

but clearly you have anger issues.

All right, you know what? Forget it.

I don't want to play this game anymore.

No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, no, I'm sorry.

I am, all right?

Sit down. Please.

Look...

I think we might have something here.

I mean, a shot at a real relationship.

But the last two times I felt that way,

it ended in divorce, so... I... I'm nervous.

Look, John, I understand that, but we will never know

if we have anything unless we try.

You're right. You're right. We'll go out.

When?

So now you want a specific time?

Yes, I want a night.

I want a time. That's what a date is.

God, you're pushy.

All right, how about tonight?

Good. So, where are we going?

Oh, so now it's a day, a time and a place?

I don't care. Surprise me.

But it better be a real restaurant,

not us sharing a sausage at a street cart.

Oh, yeah. Fine. Tie my hands, why don't you?

Yo, Hector, you could've at least told me

that I'd have to take a physical.

I mean, they made me pee in a cup,

and, well, that's... that's just not easy for me.

Quit complaining. You nailed it eventually.

Yeah.

Okay, let's see what we got here.

All right.

They said it was some kind of allergy pill.

You're supposed to take one every two hours.

Well, what are the possible side effects?

Usual stuff.

Headaches, back spasms, blurred vision-- doesn't apply.

Ringing in the ears,

cramping, sweating, chills, anal leakage...

Oh, God.

Linda, all I did was flirt my way out of a speeding ticket.

Leave me alone!

I'm just saying that what you did wasn't ethical.

Or, as the people of my possible

future chosen faith might say, kosher.

Blueberry muffin.

Me, too.

Interesting-- you pay for your muffin,

but not for your speeding ticket.

Guess morality is kind of a movable line with you, huh?

Don't you lecture me!

I have been going to church since before you were born.

And, as the Bible says,

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

I believe the quote is:

"People who live in glass houses

shouldn't throw stones."

...hives, dry mouth,

flaky skin,

heart palpitations, liver failure,

sexual dysfunction...

Whoa, whoa, that's it. I-l can't do this.

Come on, man, don't give up. You need this money.

Besides, these side effects only happen

in one percent of all cases.

Does it say that?

Sure.

Hey.

Sandwich ready?

Here you go.

I bought a new dress.

Ah.

Right, right, dinner.

I knew it. Did you make a reservation?

John, it's Friday night.

Relax. I got us a nice table at an Italian restaurant.

You know, the... red checkered tablecloths,

the Chianti bottles with dripping candles,

the whole thing. You're going to love it.

Oh, sorry.

I can't wait. Looking forward to it.

Good. Pick you up at 6:00.

Right.

You guys know any of those

cheesy Italian restaurant places?

Checkered table cloths,

candles, that kind of crap?

Nope.

Oh, you're a lot of help.

What's with the pills?

I'm taking part in a drug test.

Hector said it's a good way for me to score some quick cash.

Oh, come on, Jake, this is your body.

You can't put just anything in it.

There could be serious side effects.

There's got to be a safer way to solve your money problems.

You want to give me the 500 bucks?

Oh, you know what? You'll be fine.

Okay, you took your second pill. Any side effects yet?

Nope, I feel great.

You know what? Thank you, Hector.

I mean, this 500 bucks is gonna save my life.

It's all right.

Maybe someday you'll do something for me.

- Sure. -Really?

Anything-

Know any women?

- Hey. -Hey, nice suit.

Oh, thanks. Yeah, I'm trying to class things up a little bit.

Yo, Chris, let's shake it!

The buses run on a schedule.

Wow, you look great!

Yeah, I do look good, don't I?

Yeah, I think it's, uh...

I think it's the way this suit hangs.

Oh, I-l... I should probably tell you you look great, too.

- You look great, too. -Thank you.

You know what? My tongue feels fat.

Does it look fat?

- No, and don't do that again.

Yeah?

Oh, Ma-Margaret, you're kidding me.

All right.

Tell him I'll meet him at the hospital.

What's wrong?

Oh, I have this hypochondriac patient--

Mr. Walters-- just checked himself

into the emergency room.

Idiot. Every time he sneezes,

he thinks he's having a heart attack.

Well, then why do you have to go?

Well, just in case he is dying, I don't want to miss it.

And I am his doctor.

Look, it'll just take a second.

We'll be on our way.

You kids have fun.

Thee you!

Did I just thay, "Thee you"?

Why don't you, uh, go ahead and have a seat.

I'm going to check on my patient.

Uh, if you get hungry.

There's a vending machine around the corner.

You got, uh...

- You got money? -Yeah.

Good, good.

Hi. How are you?

That's a dumb question.

Probably not well, since you're here in the hospital.

Grandpa sick.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

See, my grandpa died when I was a little girl, and...

Well, you know, not that your grandpa's going to die.

Um... Th-th-th-this is a really good hospital.

Uh, yeah, a friend of mine

is a doctor, and he sees patients here all the time.

Actually, he's more than a friend.

See, uh...

tonight is our first date.

Well, it was going to be our first date, but, uh...

Oh, listen to me going on and on,

when you obviously have more serious things to think about.

Grandpa sick.

I know,

I know, and, uh, it must be hard.

I-I-I realize you can't understand a word I'm saying,

but-but I'm sure you can tell from my tone

and the way I'm furrowing my eyebrows

that I'm very concerned,

so, uh... so I guess I'll just say

that I'm thinking good thoughts.

Say, Hector, are you hot?

I've been told I have a certain boyish charm.

No, no, I mean, are-are you hot?

I'm... I'm burning up.

It's like... it's like I'm sweating on the inside,

and... and I'm... I'm cramping,

and... and my legs feel nubby.

- How do you spell "nubby"? -What difference does it make?

These side effects are killing me. I quit.

You can't quit now. We're in the home stretch.

- No... -Just one more pill.

No, no, I can't do it.

I mean, look, look, I'm shaky,

I'm-I'm light-headed, I'm queasy.

You're probably just hungry.

Have some bread.

It'll help settle your stomach.

Yeah, okay, okay.

You pilled me like a dog, didn't you?

It's for your own good.

That's cold, man.

Chris, I'm sorry this is taking so long.

No, no, no, it's all right.

- How's-how's your patient? -Oh, that guy's

such a pain in the ass, there are five nurses fighting

to see who gets to insert his catheter.

And another ten waiting to see who gets to yank it out.

I tell you, he's driving the staff so crazy,

a patient could be dying in the room next to him,

-and they'd never know. -John, shh-shh-shh.

You're going to make the Kims nervous.

Such a happy family.

Now, the way that I've been able

to piece together their story,

it seems that their grandpa's sick.

Oh, that's too bad.

Uh, look, uh... another half hour,

we'll go to dinner, I promise.

We're waiting for, uh, Mr. Walter's cardiologist.

It's okay. I'm fine.

Ah, you know, it's just so touching

watching this family come together

during such a difficult time.

The culture is so beautiful.

They don't throw away their old people the way we do.

They embrace them.

It breaks my heart to see

how much they love their grandfather.

We could learn so much from them.

Hello.

Oh, Linda, leave me alone.

It's 9:00 at night.

It was just a stupid ticket.

Who? Are you kidding?

No, I don't want to talk to...

Don't you dare.

Linda, I swear, I will...

Hello, Rabbi.

You've got to admit,

since you threw up, you feel better.

I... hate... you.

I'm so happy for you.

You're not going to believe this.

After all the whining, you know, about having a heart attack,

you know what was wrong with my patient?

Gas.

He's lying out there on a gurney,

he cuts one so bad, he shot down the hallway

and ended up in the cafeteria.

Yeah, but, John, isn't it good your patient's all right?

I guess you could look at it that way.

Look I'm so sorry about this, Chris.

If you're still hungry, we can go

to a coffee shop and pick something up.

No. You know what? If you're as tired as you look,

why don't we just call it a night.

I feel bad, though. You got all dressed up,

and you're stuck here all night.

You know, I admit it was a strange first date.

But I have to tell you, being with this family

and watching them go through something so emotional

and then to have it turn out so well,

it just, um... really touched me.

I hope you're happy.

Well, most of the time, I am.

I have my down days, like anyone else...

I'm not talking about you!

I felt so guilty about that damn ticket

that I went down to the police station

and I wrote them a check for 100 bucks.

Why would you do that?

What? Because you wouldn't stop hawking me about it.

Oh, that. I changed my mind.

I realized that Judaism required me to give up something

that meant too much to me.

What? Your background?

Your heritage?

No. Bacon cheeseburgers.

What kind of a God would deny you that?

Here you go, Linda.

They're even better for breakfast.

I wonder if she knows she just ordered her last meal.

Oh, my God, Jake!

Do you feel as bad as you look?

L-I'm just guessing here, but I think so.

Hey, hey! Look who's conscious.

Leave me alone.

Okay,

but I just dropped off the journal

and picked up your money.

500 bucks for one night's work.

Why don't I feel happy?

Well, that's easy.

Between the chills, the fat tongue, the nubby legs

and the fact that all this money's

going to pay for stuff you didn't even buy,

you have no reason to feel happy.

It was a rhetorical question.

Oh. Come on.

Let's get you home and hose you off.

Trust me, you need it.

Whoa, whoa, you look like death on toast.

Hey, tell you what,

why don't you stop by the office later.

I'll get you some pills.

--Hey!

- Morning. -Morning.

Coffee to go, please.

I'm sorry about last night.

That wasn't much of a first date.

Oh, I don't know.

If you look at a date in terms of two people

getting to know each other, it was kind of nice.

I learned something about you.

- Oh, yeah? -Yeah, yeah.

With all the bitching you do about your patients,

you made sure that guy was taken care of,

and you wouldn't leave until you knew he was all right.

I was totally impressed.

Thank you.

I learned something about you, too.

- Yeah? -Yeah.

The way you got involved with that family.

I mean, me, I would've sat there

with my face buried in some magazine,

hoping no one would come up and talk to me.

- But you, I mean... -Yeah, well...

You see people going through something emotional,

it's like an opportunity

for a relationship. I mean, you...

you reached out and involved yourself

in the lives of total strangers.

I hate that.