Original subtitles

Come on, try it.

It's chewy.

A little spongy.

No real flavor, yet a curious aftertaste.

Do you give up?

It's an omelet.

You're kidding.

It's this new product called yeggs.

It comes in a tube.

You don't even have to cook it.

You just break the seal and squirt it on a plate.

Come on!

Come on, how are you going to get through life

If you don't try new things?

Not bad.

Hey, everybody.

All: Hey, chris.

Can I get you anything?

Uh, yeah, maybe just a couple of scrambled...

(frantic fluttering noises)

Just coffee.

Good choice.

So, how's it going?

You getting settled in, getting used to the city?

Yeah, you feel like a real new yorker yet?

Pretty much.

I've been flipped off, flashed,

And strangely enough, I've yet to get

The right change back from anybody.

That was a five.

Sorry.

You know what I hate?

Who's got the list?

Delivery people.

Every morning for a week,

I've been waiting at home for a package to be delivered,

But the guy won't leave it.

Keeps putting these little stickers on my door,

You know, "while you were out."

You know, I don't think

He even tries to leave it.

I bet he just waits until I take a shower

Or step out on the fire escape

To empty the trash.

What's in the package?

That's the point; I don't know.

So, it will be a surprise; that's exciting.

Oh, you again.

For your information,

Surprise is never good.

What about the time

You got the free yankee tickets in the mail?

That was a surprise.

No, that was a trick.

When I got to the stadium, the cops were waiting for me

With about a hundred unpaid parking tickets.

That is brilliant.

Well, it is.

I used to fall for cons like that,

And then my astrologer told me to stop being such a sucker.

You believe in astrology?

Mm-hmm. It's such a scam.

Well, that's what my psychic says.

You know, there's a chance

Your package could be something good.

Yeah, like that will ever happen.

Why do you always look on the dark side?

You know, I find that generally

What we put out in the world is what we get back.

In fact-- oh, oh, damn it.

Just curious.

Did that coffee come out of a cup

That was half full or half empty?

Let's see you put

A positive spin on that.

Well, uh, these pants are ruined,

So that gives me an excuse to go out and buy new ones.

I guess you didn't feel that way back in the '60s

When you spilled on your tie.

I'm liking her more and more.

Oh, good lord.

You're looking at porn?

All right, margaret.

I didn't go to this site on purpose.

Don't apologize, just scoot over.

I don't believe this.

All I did was open an e-mail

That said "greetings from a friend."

The one thing that girl does not need

Is another friend.

Just help me get rid of it.

Close the window.

I tried, but every time I do, another one pops up.

Watch.

Either of you see a guy with a package?

Well, actually... Linda.

Well?

No. They haven't delivered that yet?

No.

They said the package was down at their office,

So I go there and they say the package is on the truck.

So I say, "where's the truck?"

They say, "on its route," so I say, "what route?"

Then they...

Please, tell me everything.

Oh, yeah, like your stories are so damn interesting.

Excuse me, is there a...?

Oh, finally, there you are.

Give me that, will you?

Easy. You got to sign for it first.

Fine, I'll sign for it.

Thought I'd die of old age waiting for you to deliver this.

Sorry for the inconvenience, mr. "screw you."

Very funny.

Syringes, antibiotics?

Polio vaccine?

This is all useless.

This is not the package I want.

Then why did you sign for it?

Look, the package I wanted

Was supposed to be delivered to my apartment,

But it wasn't,

So they told me to go down to your office, which I did,

But then they told me it was on your truck.

So I said, you know, "where's the truck?"

It gets more interesting every time you tell it.

Oh, shut up.

Becker, becker... Oh, yeah.

There is a package for you.

I tried to deliver it six times, but you're never home.

Didn't you get a sticker?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I collected the whole set.

Just go to your truck

And get it for me, will you, please?

It's not on the truck; it's back at the office.

I was just at the office!

They said it was on your truck!

What the hell's going on here?!

Where's my other package?!

All right, you found us out.

We have no intention of ever giving you that one.

We're just going to keep delivering

Those little yellow stickers

Until you either give up or go out of your mind.

Hey, what about my package?

Here you go.

I swear this delivery guy

Is toying with me just for sport.

It's like I'm a monkey in a cage.

Well, you know what happens when you dangle a banana

Just out of a monkey's reach?

Yeah, they kick you and your cousin out of the zoo.

Oh, john, I'm glad you're still here.

That delivery guy showed up right after you left.

Yeah, whatever, just give me that.

You're welcome.

What is it with you and thank yous?

What the hell is this?

It's cold, it's packed in dry ice...

Maybe it's the heart you always wanted.

So, what is it?

It's frozen steaks.

"eight premium corn-fed filets."

Montana beef?

Those cows live better than we do.

Well, up until they cut 'em up and put 'em in the box.

So, somebody sent you steaks.

Sounds like a good thing,

But I imagine to you it won't be.

It's a mistake.

I didn't order these.

Now I'm gonna have to get on the phone

And spend hours straightening this out.

No, you don't.

Yeah, you're right; you do it.

No, I meant the steaks are yours.

They're from mr. Owens,

Thanking you for taking such good care of his wife.

(chuckling): Hey, huh?

Wow, a gift.

I feel so, uh...

Happy?

Touched? Grateful?

Pretty?

Never mind.

Actually, I was going to say hungry.

I mean, look at this-- eight steaks.

I could have one a week for two months

Or one a month for eight months

Or-- oh, you know what I could do?

I could have them all on my birthday.

(chuckling): Yeah, yeah, that'd be a very good day.

(laughing)

You know, if I was lucky enough

To get eight gourmet steaks,

I'd throw a party.

Yeah, well, you weren't, so back off, curly.

These are mine.

You know, becker, these steaks do look pretty good.

Why don't you share 'em?

Yeah, spread the wealth a little, becker.

Hey, great idea, we'll have a party.

(all cheering)

No way I'm throwing a party.

Party, what party?

At john's apartment.

That doesn't sound like a party.

There is no party.

How about tomorrow night at 6:00?

Didn't you just listen to what I said?

There's no party.

So 6:00 is no good?

Actually, 6:00 is perfect.

I don't get off work until 7:00.

Fine, we'll make it 7:00.

Great, I'll bring the potatoes.

I'll bring the coleslaw. I'll bring the dip.

I'll bring the wine.

I'll bring the barbecue.

Hold on a sec, hey, hey!

Wait a minute, what about me?!

You're bringing the steaks.

That will be plenty.

Hey, I didn't agree to this.

Well, you should have said something before they all left.

Now it's too late.

But I don't want to have a party.

Don't worry, I'll take care of everything.

Trust me, tomorrow night you'll be relaxing at home,

Having a great steak dinner in the company of good friends.

And you.

Besides, when you give of yourself

To the people around you, you get a lot in return.

Trust me, it will be worth it.

I am a doctor in a crappy neighborhood.

I give of myself all the time.

Good, then you know what I'm talking about.

See you.

It won't move, becker, it's stuck.

I don't care if you rip its legs off.

Just squeeze it out.

It's a good thing you didn't go into obstetrics.

Don't just stand there; help me.

Aah!

Well, that's done.

Tell me again why we're not doing this up at your place?

Because I just painted, and the fumes are horrible.

I hate parties.

That is because you have never been to one of mine.

Once in austria,

I was on a bus that crashed into a snowbank.

Six people stranded.

All we had was a six-pack,

A chocolate bar, and a harmonica,

And we still had the best time of our lives.

Except for the guy we ate.

(knocking)

Hey, I'm so glad you could make it.

Thank you. Hi, john.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Is your husband parking the car?

Louis, come here?

Oh, no, he and john don't have two words to say to each other.

Oh, yes, we do.

Don't start.

Hey, I didn't bring it up; she did.

In fact, it's because of louis...

Don't say it.

Yeah, I don't even eat veal piccata anymore.

It wasn't veal piccata.

All right, obviously I brought up a sore subject.

Yeah, and his name's louis.

Damn you, john.

Come on, come on, it's a party.

Let's just have some fun.

(knocking)

Thank god.

Jake, I am so glad to see you.

Well, good to be here.

And I'll tell you another reason

Why louis doesn't want to come here.

Any reason he's not here

Is good enough for me.

Louis was invited?

I didn't know we could bring someone.

What about amanda?

Who's amanda?

The girl I live with.

Oh, well, louis isn't coming, so why don't you

Just call her and tell her to come over?

Yeah, I'm sure she'll be real flattered.

"hi, honey. Louis couldn't make it.

Why don't you come over and have his leftovers?"

No, I didn't mean it like that.

Could you, could you help me out here?

Uh... Not really, no. (knocking)

Hey,

Reggie, linda, welcome.

Hi, chris.

Thanks for putting this together.

Oh, a pleasure.

I think it will be a lot of fun.

Just do me a favor.

Don't mention louis or amanda.

There's a bit of a mix-up because they're not here.

Wait a minute, if I knew dates were invited,

I could have brought someone

And reggie could have...

Well, I could have found someone for her.

Hey, I don't need anyone

To find me a date.

Do you really know someone?

Okay, the barbecue's all set up, the grill's all clean,

And we're ready to go.

Yay! Oh, great.

All right, where do you keep your charcoal?

On my nightstand next to my clock radio.

If I didn't have a barbecue, why would I have charcoal?

Why didn't you tell me you don't have charcoal? Okay, okay, not a problem.

Bob, why don't you just go down

To the store and pick up some charcoal?

What, on my dime? Don't worry, I'll make it up to you.

You might want to watch

How you use that expression around bob.

I can't believe you invited louis for steaks.

I thought he only ate veal piccata.

It wasn't veal piccata.

You know, for the record, I get asked out a lot.

Good, 'cause I can't think of anyone to fix you up with.

Why did you say you knew someone?

Well, because I felt sorry for you.

I take it from him...

(bickering)

So the bus just ran into a snowbank.

Who do we eat first?

How do you get your hair to do that?

I really don't do anything special.

Well, it shows.

Look, every party gets off to a slow start.

Evolution got off to a slow start.

This party's dead.

This dip is great.

What's in it?

Oh, it's just onion soup and sour cream.

Onion soup and sour cream.

Wow, that sounds easy enough.

Good friends, good food, good conversation.

I would settle for any one of those.

Okay, all right.

We just need an activity to get things started.

I know the perfect party game: Charades.

I would rather stick hot needles in my eyes...

Sounds like fun, but let's try charades first.

Okay, jake, she's got an egg beater

And she's holding it up to her eye.

That, that means it's a movie, linda.

Die hard, terminator, lethal weapon, rambo.

Oh, I know, sophie's choice.

Linda, you got to let her give you more clues.

See, I would have bet that the blind guy

Would be the one having the problem with this game.

Look, in all fairness, jake is a bit disadvantaged.

Hey, you're the one who put linda on my team.

What's that supposed to mean?

And by that, I mean

I know exactly what that's supposed to mean.

Okay, come on, come on, let's get back to the game.

So it's really just soup and sour cream?

Yes, write it down.

Okay, okay, it's a movie, remember?

Jake, pass me the chips.

Now, how am I supposed to know where the chips are?

Never mind, I'll just pick one

Off the front of your sweater.

Is that canned soup or dry soup?

Oh, for god's sake, what is so difficult?

Well, I'm just trying to get it right.

Dry soup.

Thank you.

The whole package?

(groans)

Geez, who died?

A cow, in vain.

Where the hell have you been?

It's kind of a funny story...

Yeah, which none of us want to hear.

Just fire up those coals, will you, so everybody can eat

And get the hell out of here.

That's right. I'm hungry. Please.

Relax, relax.

We should be eating in about 30, 35 minutes.

35 minutes? Come on.

Relax. In the meantime

You can all nosh off jake's sweater.

Oh, by the way,

Where do you keep your lighter fluid?

If I had lighter fluid, don't you think

I would have set fire to myself by now?

Okay, maybe we flew a little too close

To the sun with charades,

But I've got another game, and it is called geography.

Yeah, let's all pick different places on the map,

Then go there.

No, no, no.

I name a state, and then the next person uses

The last letter of that state to name another state.

Like, if I say maryland, you use the "d" and say...

Depression.

That's the state I'm in.

You know, if you don't want to play, fine.

Just don't ruin it for everybody else.

Okay? So let's try another one.

If I say new york...

New jersey.

That's very good.

Uh, but, see,

New york ends with a "k,"

So you'd want to name a state that starts with a "k."

Like...

Like...

Hey, that's a trick question.

There are no states that start with a "k."

Except kansas

And kentucky.

And "konnecticut."

You know, I once played this game upside-down

In a bus with people who didn't even speak english,

And they did better than you.

Sorry.

Okay.

All right, l-let's just try another one, okay?

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

What? She said new jersey.

But you said wyoming.

Wyoming doesn't start with a "y."

Well, it sounds like it should.

Well, it doesn't. It starts with a "w."

Well, then, what starts with a "y"?

How about, "why did I ever let you people in here?"

How about, "why are you so rude?"

Or, "why did we even come to this party?"

Or, "why was margaret watching porn in the office?"

Bob, is dinner ready yet?

Margaret: Either the steaks are done

Or we've elected a new pope.

Hey, you can't rush.

These are thick steaks.

It's not like we're making veal piccata.

It wasn't veal piccata.

Okay, I got another game.

Of course you do.

No, this is more of an interpersonal

Bonding sort of thing.

It's called secrets and lies. I've played it before.

And believe me, it is a lot of fun.

(sobbing): It was just that one time,

You know, and I didn't want to.

I was just trying to fit in.

I hate this game.

What's next? A couple of rounds of drinks,

Somebody kills themself, and we call it a night?

(whispering): Leave me alone.

What is taking so long? It's just fire and meat.

Oh, sure, that recipe you remember.

Oh, you know, that's it.

What the hell's taking so long?

Hey, I'm cooking to order here.

I mean, you know, linda wants medium,

Reggie wants rare, and jake wants...

Wants to leave, like everybody else.

Come on, let's just get them in there.

Come on, becker, what's another ten minutes?

Another ten minutes out of my life

That I'll get never back.

Oh! Geez!

That's too bad, becker.

That one was yours.

They're all mine, bob.

Look what you made me do!

Me? You're the one who knocked them over.

You're the one who put

The platter above my head when I stood up.

It's not my fault, it's yours.

Look, about the party...

You're still actually using that word

To describe what happened here?

I'm sorry.

Yeah, tell me something.

You know that good feeling I was supposed to have?

You know, where "giving of myself"

Was supposed to all be worth it?

Did that happen? 'cause I think I missed it.

I said I was sorry. Yeah, you know,

You were wrong about everything.

Why didn't you listen to me?

Oh, because it was important.

To whom?

To me.

Yeah, see, that's what I don't understand.

Why?

All right, I'll tell you.

About, uh, about a year ago,

I met a guy and fell in love.

I gave up everything to move to colorado to be with him.

I was really happy.

And one day I came home and, uh...

Found him in bed with another woman.

Uh, no, worse.

Oh, geez, a man?

No.

He was gone.

Took all my stuff with him.

I was crushed.

I just... I wanted to get as far away as possible,

So, uh, so I came here.

Thought I could make some new friends, start over.

And tonight was the first night

Since I got here that I, I didn't sit alone

In my apartment and cry.

(sobbing)

Oh, geez.

Hey, uh...

You know, I'm sorry.

Here.

(whispering): Thank you.

Hey, trust me, you know, it gets better.

When I first came to the bronx,

I felt exactly the way you do.

But look at me now.

I have all this, huh?

(chuckles) thanks, I feel better.

Well, you know, if...

This party got you out of your apartment,

I guess tonight was all worth it.

(sobbing): What'd you say?

I said, "tonight was worth it."

Thank you, that is all I wanted to hear.

What?

Hey, hey, w-w-w-wait.

You said it was worth it, and that's all

I wanted you to say, so good night.

W-w-wait a second, that, that was all a story?

Wha-what about colorado?

Uh, ends in "o."

That would be oklahoma, oregon, or ohio.

Good night.

I hate her.