Original subtitles

Hey, guys.

Hey.

What's the matter, bob?

Still upset your dental hygienist

Got a breast reduction?

Nah, that's old news.

Sad, but old.

Bob just came from the doctor's office.

It's not good.

What's the matter, bob?

My doctor's dead.

Why does everything happen to me?

Yeah, I think you put your finger

On the real loser in that story.

Isn't bob the real loser in any story?

I'm talking about doc hendricks, my pediatrician.

He brought me into this world and now he's dead.

At least the punishment fit the crime.

So now I have to find a new doctor.

If there was only someone bob knew.

Someone bob trusted.

But who?

Who?

Who, I ask you?

What are you, dense?

No, I get it.

I just don't want to do it.

Oh, come on.

Reggie: What's the big deal?

Just find another doctor.

I can't afford it.

Doc hendricks was treating me for free.

Well, not free, sort of like a barter system.

I did odd jobs around his office and...

Wait a minute.

We could do that. I could fix things for you.

You're the super of my building.

You're supposed to be fixing things for me now.

Supposed to.

I mean, I'm supposed to be rich

And hanging out with a better class of people,

But that hasn't worked out either.

Look, I'll fix things in your apartment

And your office. No.

Come on, I thought you took an oath to help people.

I had my fingers crossed.

You'd be getting handyman services for free.

Ah, the magic word.

All right, bob.

Yeah, I'll do that.

We'll start with the broken window in my exam room.

But you have to fix it, or the deal's off.

Look, if I say I'll do something, I'll do it.

All right, that didn't sound right to me either,

But I promise I'll fix the window.

You know, this barter thing might work for me, too.

I mean, I hate the treatment I get from that hmo.

Who cares if he's gay?

At least you have a doctor.

Maybe I could get in on this.

What do you say, becker?

You be my doctor, and I'll give you food.

Yeah, and I'll give you magazines

Gum and cigarettes.

Let me get this straight.

All I have to do is treat you,

And you'll feed me, and you'll give me cigarettes and magazines

And cigarettes?

What do you say?

All free?

Yeah, free. What don't you get?

Oh, I get it. I just like hearing it.

All right, fine, yeah.

We got a deal.

Oh, thanks for breakfast.

Oh, look, a little something for you.

I'll just go over here and get a couple of candy bars for later

And I'll be on my way.

Well, what do I get in exchange?

What about the doctor part?

What? Oh, yeah, all right.

Uh, diet, exercise, don't smoke, and...

Stay away from the caffeine.

Margaret, where have you been?

I'm sorry.

My train was late.

Well, come on.

There's 15 messages on the machine.

Ooh, I hope they're all from julie.

Me, too.

If she ever figures out that she's got the wrong number,

The fun is over.

Hit it. Okay.

(machine beeps)

Phil?

Are you there, phil?

It's me, julie.

Pick up.

You're not fooling me,

Pretending to be a doctor's office, you bastard!

I hate you!

(phone clicks, machine beeps)

Phil, baby, I'm sorry.

I love you so much.

I really do.

Call me. (line disconnects)

Fickle little thing, isn't she?

(machine beeps)

You know what?

I don't need you to be happy.

I hope you die.

(dial tone humming)

I don't think she means that.

(machine beeps)

Oh, phil, I didn't mean that.

I can't live without you!

If you don't call me, I don't know what I'll do.

(line disconnects)

You don't think she'll do anything stupid, do you?

I really think she's stronger than that.

She'll get it together.

(machine beeps)

Phil, it's julie.

Just calling to let you know that cheryl's here,

And we're going out to party.

See ya.

(line disconnects)

Linda, it's amazing how tuned in you are

To her emotions.

Well, I like to think I'm pretty perceptive.

Plus, I listened to the messages

Before you got here. Oh.

Check this one out.

(machine beeps)

Phil, remember how much you said you liked my hair?

Well, I shaved my head, so ha!

And another thing...

Morning.

I can't believe you're still wasting your time

Listening to that lunatic's phone messages.

We absolutely were not.

And even if we were, it's only because we can't stop.

Good cover.

You guys are pathetic.

You know, the next time that psycho calls,

Explain it's a wrong number,

And for god's sake, tell her to get a life.

Oh, she did.

Last night she went out partying with cheryl.

Cheryl?

Didn't phil date her before he met julie?

Oh, no, no.

My mistake.

That was shelley, her half sister.

That's right, shelley.

You listen to the messages, too?

Uh, I have to.

There could be a medical emergency on there.

Ha!

Oh, shut up.

Bob's waiting for you in room two.

I just left him in the diner.

That's impossible.

You know, you're right.

He's in room one.

You were in the diner when I left.

How'd you beat me here? I walked.

But unlike you, I don't stop and wheeze every fourth step.

What do you want, bob?

Well, I figured since you're my doctor,

I'd come on over and ask you

About this little stomach thing I got.

What do you mean?

Well, I got this little tickle right about here.

All right, I'll examine you and run a few tests.

Tests?

Doc hendricks would just tell me it's nothing,

Then take out the puppet and give me a shot.

Yeah, first of all, I don't use puppets, bob.

And second, I'm not going to say it's nothing

Until I've done my evaluation.

You know, blood test, x rays, that kind of thing.

Oh, come on.

Where are my damn gloves?

Wow.

Tests, gloves,

No puppet.

It's pretty high-tech.

Wait till we get to the prostate exam.

Oh, by the way, that's the window

I want you to fix right there.

Yeah, yeah. I'll get to it.

So, you want me to take my clothes off now?

Has anyone ever said "yes" to that?

Julie: Okay, I didn't really cut my hair off.

I just wanted to see what you'd do.

Which was nothing!

(machine beeps)

Hi, this is mr. Rothman.

I think I may have twisted my ankle...

Ah, he's not going anywhere.

(tape squeaking)

Oh, that's it.

(phone ringing) you know this whole julie thing

Has gotten way out of control.

You know, this is a doctor's office,

Not a... What's going on here?

Would somebody answer the phone?

(phone ringing)

Don't worry. The machine will get it.

Ah, I see what's going on here.

Yeah, you want julie

To leave another crazy message, don't you?

Yeah, doctor's office.

No, julie, this is not phil.

You have the wrong number.

This is a dr. John becker, and I'd appre...

What?

No, I can't imagine why phil would give you the wrong number.

Well, look.

I, you...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don't... Stop crying. St...

There, there.

There, there, sweetheart.

Yeah, now listen to me.

You know, you-you need to forget phil.

You know, and have a little respect for yourself.

Yeah, see?

Now, isn't that better?

Ah, all right.

Well, you're welcome.

You take care.

Freak.

Great.

Fun thing #50 is destroyed.

Here you go, jake.

I brought you a shopping bag; fill 'er up.

Whoa, whoa. What are you talking about?

Our new barter system, you know?

Hand me some magazines.

Oh, okay. Which ones?

Bottom row.

Since when do you read oprah's magazine?

Well, don't I deserve to live my best life?

All of these are for you?

No, my waiting room.

My patients are getting tired of reliving watergate.

Thank you.

Hey, uh, reg, I can't stay for lunch.

Could you send over, uh, two cheeseburgers

French fries, and, oh, you know

Maybe a chocolate milk shake.

Now, I'm assuming delivery's included.

Problem?

Yes, there's a problem.

You've been stuffing yourself for days

And what do I get in return?

Nothing.

I-I thought we had a deal.

I know, but I haven't needed a doctor once.

It isn't fair.

Well, relax.

Maybe one day you'll be very, very sick.

You'd better hope so.

(shouting in pain)

Oh, jake, what happened?

I was cutting a string on a stack of newspapers,

And I just nicked my hand. Ow.

Ooh, boy, that's got to hurt.

Yeah, it does.

But luckily, my doctor's standing right here.

So why don't you live up to your end of the deal

And check me out.

Oh, all right, fine, fine.

Give me the first aid kit.

Here.

That's it?

My first aid kit's propping up the stove.

Of course it is, yeah.

Ow.

It doesn't look so bad.

When was your last tetanus shot?

I don't know. A couple years ago.

Well, you'll be fine.

Keep some pressure on that.

If it gives you a problem, call me.

I'll get you on some antibiotics.

Becker, it's already been three days.

Where are my test results?

They haven't come in yet.

Remember, we lost a day

Because I to sedate you to draw blood.

When they come in, I'll call you.

Well, what am I supposed to do while I'm waiting?

Well, you could go over to my office

And fix the damn window.

I'll get to it.

Yeah, well, see that you do.

You know, clearly, this is news to you,

But a barter system

Is a two-way street.

It's not just take, take, take.

You know, that's wrong.

What's the deal?

You out of scones?

Julie: I just don't understand.

I thought we really connected.

Why won't you call me?!

Is that julie again?

I told her phil wasn't here.

Oh, she's not calling phil.

Listen to this.

(machine beeps)

You can't just play with my emotions like that

And then ignore me.

John, I need you so badly.

Well, that's just great.

What did I do to deserve this?

You were nice to her.

Just your luck.

The one person you pick to be nice to.

Bob's in room one.

Oh, yeah.

My day just gets better and better.

Okay, I got your lab results back.

As far as your stomach pain goes,

I can rule out anything serious.

Oh, thank god.

I'm guessing indigestion

Or what we in the medical profession

Call "reggie's cooking."

I just have one test I want the lab to recheck,

But I'm pretty sure it's nothing.

Wait... Recheck? Recheck what?

I don't follow.

Well, your liver enzyme's slightly elevated,

But it may just be a... A little viral infection.

Infection? Yeah.

I never got an infection from doc hendrick's puppet.

How long are these tests going to take to get back?

Relax, will you?

It'll be a few days; that's all.

What am I supposed to do in the meantime?

I'll tell you what I tell all my patients.

Fix my damn window!

What are you doing here?

Going out of my mind.

I got a rash all over my body.

All right, let me check.

Oh, god, this itching is killing me.

It's probably a reaction to that antibiotic I gave you.

So, you gave me this rash?

It's a side effect; it happens.

I'll give you a prescription for an antihistamine.

That should clear it right up.

You know, it's almost like the cure was worse than the disease.

Kind of funny when you think about it.

I'd be laughing my ass off

If I wasn't so busy scratching it.

Oh, yeah, you know, I forgot to ask, how's your finger doing?

Not that one. What...?

Morning, dr. Becker.

Morning.

Any messages?

From patients? No.

From julie, there were 23.

That nut called me 23 times! Why?

She's upset with you.

And then she's not.

And then she is.

Damn it. You know,

Why do lonely, pathetic women always glom onto me?

Becker, I need you.

I'm finally sick, so now it's payback time.

Start treating me.

Hold on, hold on.

What are your symptoms?

Headache, stuffy nose, scratchy throat.

Well, sounds to me like you've got a cold.

Take aspirin, drink water, and get plenty of rest.

That's it?

What a rip-off.

You've been pigging out at the diner for days.

Aren't you at least going to shine a light in my eyes

Or hit me with a hammer?

As tempting as that sounds, it'd be a waste of time.

Now, go home, get into bed. Call me tomorrow.

But what if I'm all better by then?

Hey, you know, there are a lot of terrible things going around.

Keep a good thought. Maybe you'll get worse.

How could I get worse?

I'm coughing, I'm sweating,

My nose is running, and I can't stop...

(sneezes)

...Sneezing.

Oh, by the way,

Here's your lunch.

I'll be in my office.

You're still going to eat that?

Hey, free's free.

(key turning in lock)

What the hell are you doing?

You're my doctor; I'm making a house call.

This is not a house call.

This is trespassing.

No, it's not; I have keys.

What do you want, bob?

It's about my liver problem.

You said it was nothing.

Well, I went online to check it out.

Yeah, must have been a shock to discover

The internet wasn't just porn.

One crisis at a time, okay?

Did you know that you only have one liver

And if you lose it, you die?

Yes, it was a question on the doctor test.

I'm sure you're fine.

Go away, will you?

Becker, I could have a fatal disease.

There's a whole list of symptoms--

Fatigue, agitation, nausea.

Are you nauseous?

I was when I saw the list!

Will you trust me?

I'm a trained medical professional.

Now, go away.

John, what the hell kind of doctor are you?

That antihistamine you gave me--

You could have told me it would make me drowsy.

It was printed in giant letters on the label, you mor...

Oh...

Yeah, "oh..."

It made me so tired, I fell asleep while I was shaving,

Smacked my head against the mirror.

Wait a minute. You're blind.

Why do you shave in front of a mirror?

That's where the good light is.

Look at this bump.

Okay, all right, all right.

Just stay off your feet

And put some ice on that until the swelling goes down.

I'll give you a prescription for a topical,

Non-drowsy ointment that will relieve the itching.

You'll be fine; now, just relax.

Yeah, I've heard that before.

You know, I've got half a mind to sue you for malpractice.

If I could only find an attorney

That would represent me for cigarettes and magazines, oh-ho, boy!

You know what?

Bob's starting to worry.

Maybe you're a lousy doctor.

(phone ringing) hey, you know something?

I've done a lot of things

In my life I'm not proud of,

But I'm damn proud of being a good doctor

And of how much I care for my patients.

Julie (on answering machine): John becker,

You heartless bastard!

You don't care if I live or die!

I hate you!

(machine beeps)

Okay, see, she's not my patient.

How could she be? She's still alive.

You're not going to believe this,

But that psycho julie called my apartment last night.

What? How did she get your number?

That's what I'd like to know.

Hey, I didn't give it to her.

She called here after you left, and she wanted your number,

But I said, "no way."

Good. I told her

She'd have to call directory assistance

And ask for john becker on kaden avenue herself.

Margaret, I swear to god, I'm...

John, john...

If your privacy is so important to you,

Why didn't you get an unlisted number?

Oh, yeah, maybe you've got $1.75

To blow every month, but I don't.

Your favorite patient's in one.

Oh, god.

All right, becker, give it to me straight.

Well, your tests came back... No, don't.

Sugarcoat it.

Bob, I'm trying...

No, I can take it.

If you'll listen... No, I can't.

Bob, your tests came back, and they were negative.

Negative?

Negative means nothing's wrong.

You're fine.

I'm fine? Yes.

And if you want to stay that way,

You'll fix my window.

(indistinct chatter)

Oh, now what?

Dr. Becker, want a laugh?

Listen to jake talk.

What's going on?

(slurring and lisping): You bathtard.

At firtht, you gave me an antibio'ic that ma'e me itchy...

And then you give me

An antihithamine that made me thleepy...

Isn't it hysterical?

(mumbling)

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

From what I've been able to piece together,

You gave him an antibiotic that made him itchy,

Then an antihistamine that made him sleepy...

And I smacked my head! Right.

And he smacked his head, you gave him something else

Which seems to be incompatible

With some seasickness medicine he took.

Oh, and it did something to his tongue.

No kidding.

Wh-wh-what seasickness medicine?

Polomine.

Scopolomine? Mm-hmm.

Well, why were you taking scopolomine?

I had to go thtaten island.

Anybody?

Staten island.

To vi'it my 'ou'in.

I definitely heard the word "onion."

Wait, wait, wait, relax.

All right, all right, I get it, I get it.

You had to take the ferry to staten island to visit a...

An onion, and then, and then you got seasick

So you took scopolamine.

Mm-hmm. Exac'ly. Right.

Well, I'm afraid, jake,

There's nothing I can do for you.

You know, you're just going to have to stay on dry land

Until all the side effects clear up.

Go thcrew yourthelf.

He said, "go screw yourself."

I got it. Thank you very much.

Aw, geez, are you still here?

Look, becker, even though the tests came back negative,

There's still no explanation for my symptoms.

We should start over.

(phone ringing) bob, we're not starting over.

You're supposed to be taking care of me.

(ringing continues)

Oh, for god's sake.

Doctor's office.

Oh, crap.

Come on, becker!

Look, julie, julie, don't start with me.

I'm serious. I'm not feeling so good.

Julie, could you hold on one second?

Bob, your problems are all in your head.

A brain tumor?! Why didn't you tell me?!

Hey, ju-julie, julie, you've really got to stop calling me.

This is driving me nuts.

Fine, you don't care.

Why can't I find someone who understands me?

Who understands my pain?

Hey, you know what, hold on a second.

Bob, come here, bob, bob, bob...

I think I just found

The understanding person you've been looking for.

Here, talk to her.

Hello?

Burger and fries, reg.

Raw meat and a potato?

If it doesn't turn into a burger and fries in two days, call me.

Hey, it's more than you did for me.

What's the matter with you?

You want to be sicker?

I just want my money's worth.

Reggie: Hey, jake.

Oh, hey, jake, you feeling better?

Mm, yeah, john, I'm feeling much better,

No thanks to you. What?

You know he almost killed me?

With you, at least he made an effort.

It turned out to be a very tricky case.

Yeah, right.

It was a boo-boo on my pinkie.

Oh, you know something, that's it.

You know, all I get is hassles

Headaches and aggravation, and for what--

Greasy food and stale mints?

As far as I'm concerned,

This whole barter system is officially over.

Fine. Fine. Fine.

Yeah, from now on,

If you can't pay for it, you suck it up and do without.

That's the tried-and-true system of have and have-nots

That made this country great.

You're really taking that?

Hey, free's free.

(phone ringing)

(machine clicks on)

Hi, this is julie, leave a message.

(beep)

Julie, it's bob.

I keep calling, but you never call me back.

I thought we had something special.

Why are you avoiding me?

I need you so bad!

You know I have a bad liver.

(beep)

Julie: Freak.