Original subtitles

Reg, give me eggs benedict

Extra hollandaise,

Hash browns, wheat toast,

Maybe some fresh fruit and a nonfat cappuccino.

Powdered or glazed?

Glazed.

That will be $62.50.

Wow, I'm never going to be able to afford this bagel.

Relax, linda.

$62.50 is what bob owes me.

Oh, that's actually gotten out of hand.

I guess I'm going to have to start a new tab.

Well, it's official.

The nuts are out in full force today.

You're not going to believe this: 6:00 in the morning,

Somebody knocks on my door.

That's incredible.

There's more, linda.

Oh, good, 'cause that part was really boring.

Yeah, anyway,

You know, I open the door,

There's a guy asking to borrow some underwear.

Now, linda.

That's incredible.

Yeah, then on my way to work,

Some guy in a full new york jets uniform

Stops me and tells me it's fourth and long,

Asks me if I know what the play is.

I tell him to run to the river and then go deep.

Gee, becker, fourth and long, you got to kick.

Yeah, what was I thinking, huh?

It's like I always say...

Well, I don't always say it,

But I have said it,

So I guess technically, I sometimes say it,

Which means I say it pretty often.

Which brings up an interesting point.

Is it often or of-ten?

Linda, the point.

What's your point?

That mercury is in retrograde.

That always makes people act very strangely.

Yeah, right, astrology.

What a load of crap.

You don't think people's lives

Are affected by the stars?

Wait, are we talking about planets or celebrities?

'cause clearly when brad pitt is in town,

Traffic is tied up for hours.

I love brad pitt.

Me, too... But in a totally non-gay way.

Yeah, I gotta admit,

I kind of envy brad pitt

Because he's not involved in this conversation.

All I'm saying is that when the planets align

To make it appear

As though mercury is moving backwards

Through the solar system, people get weird.

All right, let's test

This little science of yours, shall we?

What's... All right, here we go.

Yeah, what's your sign?

Libra, as if it isn't obvious.

Yeah, well, it says, "get out of here, get to work,

Or I will fire you."

Nothing about romance?

Just go, will you?

Get out, go on.

I know you're in there, come on.

You can run, but you can't hide.

I'm telling you, dr. Becker,

That woman was definitely checking you out.

No, she wasn't.

Deny it all you want,

But I'm telling you, she was looking.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, she had to be about 80,

But she was definitely interested.

Oh, yeah, that one.

I know you're in there.

Come on! Get out!

Get out!

You know, margaret, if you want a towel,

Alls you got to do is reach up and pull one out.

No, there's something crawling around

Inside the walls.

You know what? I'll bet it's a rat.

I know it's a rat.

I'm trying to find it so I can kill it.

What's the big deal?

You know, he's probably just another rat

Come here to make it on the great rat way.

It's such a tough life for them.

So much disappointment.

Oh, my god.

No, no, some make it.

Oh, this is incredible.

It's from the lab.

They made a mistake with mr. Garland's test results.

He's fine.

Oh, my god, john

You told the man he was dying.

Yeah, well, he's not.

Better get him on the phone.

I can't believe the lab screwed up like that.

Yeah, well, he's not the only one that's happened to.

I sent the film from my vacation to the lab,

And they totally lost it.

Different lab, linda.

Well, alls I'm saying is,

This guy's got the rest of his life to look forward to.

I spent a week in bermuda, and I have no idea what I did.

Hey, jake, where have you been?

Oh, my nana sent me a package,

And it took me an hour to pick it up at the post office.

Turns out 45 minutes of that

Was me waiting in line for the ladies' room.

Hey, check it out-- scrabble.

Scrabble? Why didn't she just send you an archery set?

Now, what's that supposed to mean?

It means that giving a blind guy a scrabble set is cruel.

It would be like buying you a fish tank.

It's a total waste.

I have a fish tank, and I'll tell you why:

I find the sounds of the bubbles

To be very relaxing.

Look, jake...

Bob.

No, I'm telling him.

You do not have a fish tank.

What you have is a toilet that needs to be jiggled.

Reggie?

Once you started naming the fish,

We just didn't have the heart to tell you.

Let me see this.

"special edition.

Can be enjoyed by the blind and sighted alike."

Okay, bob stands corrected.

Let's play, jake.

So, a blind man playing scrabble is wrong,

But you beating a blind man at scrabble,

You have no problem with.

Exactly.

It's okay, reg. Let the little weasel

Put his money where his mouth is.

Oh, yeah? 50 bucks.

I'm in.

Ah, wow, look at this.

Each tile is marked in braille.

Wait a minute.

He can tell what they are? I'm out.

Aw, damn. I was looking forward to it.

I haven't played since I was a little kid.

Really? Well, why be a bad sport?

I'm back in.

What's the matter, bob?

Afraid you can't beat a blind man at scrabble?

Do I sense a little trepidation?

If he can spell that, I'm out again.

Come on, let's just play.

Okay, fine. Look, reggie, you want to get in on this?

Give me a chance to get even on my tab?

In case you two have forgotten, I have a business to run here.

I can't just drop everything and play a game.

Rack 'em.

Mrs. Goldman, it's no wonder your scalp is too dry.

You got to stop washing your hair.

But the bottle says, "lather, rinse, repeat."

Yes, I understand that,

But at some point, you gotta stop.

But the bottle says, "lather, rinse, re..."

Yeah, give me that.

There.

"lather, rinse, call dr. Cooper"?

Yes. Yes, he's an excellent psychiatrist.

Margaret here

Will give you his number.

You can tiptoe all you want.

I know you're in there.

Yeah, maybe the two of you can carpool.

(singsongy): Mercury retrograde.

Nah, it has nothing to do with that.

Suit yourself.

There are two new patients waiting in your office.

(singsongy): Stop that.

I can't.

Hi, I'm dr. Becker.

You two fellas didn't put your names down here.

Actually, we'd like there to be, uh...

No names involved.

Oh.

All right...

I guess.

I'm matt clark. This is berwyn.

Dude!

Sit down.

What can I do for you two fellas?

Well...

We have this terrible disease,

And the only cure is to score a prescription

For, uh...

Medical marijuana.

Uh-huh. Yeah, I see.

And wh-what exactly is the name of this disease?

We don't know.

I mean, we did know, but... Now we don't.

We may also have some memory loss.

And we don't know the name of the disease.

And we may also have some memory loss.

You know, I think what you two are referring to

Is-is called glaucoma.

Told you it started with a "g."

Glaucoma.

Right.

Yeah, I also have glaucoma.

It's so bad, I can hardly walk.

Nice try, fellas.

Nah, as a matter of fact, that was really lame.

You know, glaucoma is a disease of the eyes.

Now get out of my office. Go on.

But my eyes are so bad, I can hardly walk.

Get out of my office.

Told you it was a dumb idea.

If it was so dumb,

Why'd you go along with it?

Because I'm stoned.

Hey, you know, instead of drugs,

Why don't you try getting high on life?

Oh, my god, I'm officially a hundred years old.

"e... S... T."

"craziest."

Oh, my god.

You got two triple words

And your "z" is on a double letter.

You know, you don't have to tell him.

One and three, times... Eight, nine...

Oh, my god.

You get 275 points!

Oh, is that good?

Yeah, for one word, that's good!

Hey, I'm doing okay.

You know what, I think he's cheating.

I mean, how do we know

He's not feeling a dictionary under that table?

If you're that paranoid, why don't you take a look?

Fine.

What are you doing?

I'm stretching.

Will you relax?

Look at these letters. Look at them!

"j-a-c-k-a-s-s."

I got nothing.

I want new ones.

You had a word-- "jackass."

Hey, I'm doing the best I can, moron!

Can you come out here right away?

Who are you talking to?

No, I don't care how much it costs.

Then I don't care who you're talking to.

John, that was the exterminator.

I want that thing out of here.

Margaret, it's just a rat.

You know, why do you hate it so much, anyway?

Because when I was a child,

My father bought me a little dog, and...

Oh, please, please.

Is this going to be that urban legend story

Where the dog turns out to be a rat?

No. This is my sixth birthday party

Where my dog was eaten by a rat!

Beats pin the tail on the donkey, I guess.

Dr. Becker?

Oh, thank god!

Ah, mr. Garland.

I just got your message. Is it true?

I'm really not dying?

No, no, you're not.

It was... I'm so sorry.

The-the lab made an error,

And your elevated white count was just a-a viral infection.

I-I can't believe this.

I know.

It's a horrible mistake.

I can only imagine what you've been through,

But the good news is, you're fine.

The hell I am!

I've been living the last two weeks

Like I only got two weeks left to live.

If I'm not dying, I'm a dead man!

Mr. Garland, I understand that you're angry.

No, you don't understand.

When I left your office that day, I was devastated.

But then I figured, if I've only got a short time to live,

Well, I'm going to go out in style.

So the first thing I did was quit my job.

Told my boss to go straight to hell.

What did I have to lose?

You told me I was dying.

Yeah, I understand that.

But, you know, that's-that's...

That's just a job, you know?

So you burned a bridge.

No, no, I burned his new bmw.

Why would you do that?

Because you told me I was dying!

Couldn't... Couldn't you pay him back?

Oh, I can't.

I spent all my money on champagne

Limos and lap dances.

All of it?

I got a lot of lap dances.

So, you know, so you spent all your money,

And you lost your job.

But see, all those things are fixable.

No. I haven't finished yet.

After that, I maxed out my credit cards,

Cursed out my wife

And sent a photocopy of my ass to the irs.

Mr.... Mr. Garland...

What-what... What do I do now?!

Look, I'll try to help you.

I'll call the lab.

You know, they made a mistake once...

There's a chance that I might not make it?

I-I promise I will exhaust every possibility,

But I'm only human, you know?

In the end, you may have to come to grips

With the fact that you're going to live.

(sighs)

Oh, come on!

Will you pick a word already!

Jake can't even see, and he's taking less time than you!

Don't rush me.

We're playing for big money here.

There.

"cat."

I'm using the "c" at the end of your word, jake.

Which one?

"xebec."

I still say that's not a word.

Bob, I told you.

It's an antiquated, trimasted mediterranean sailing vessel.

None of those are words!

Not only was it a word,

It was 83 points,

As opposed to reggie's "cat," which was five.

"cat" is a perfectly good word.

And I'm not saying that it isn't.

I'm just saying, with those same letters,

You could have made better words.

Or if you had another "a,"

You could put it in front of "combs"

And had "catacombs,"

Which would have given you 51 points.

I had an "a," but I was saving it.

For what? "bat"?

All right, smart-ass, it's your turn.

Read 'em and weep.

"j-u-g-g-s."

Juggs!

Not a word.

Yes, it is. Jake's newsstand, magazines, top shelf.

Forget about it, bob.

It's a proper noun.

Besides, we already let you have melons, boobs and hooters.

Look, I don't know what you guys want.

These are the letters I'm getting!

Oh, hi, mr. Pearson.

Hello.

Hey, I see that sore on your lip finally cleared up.

So what brings you here today?

If you don't mind,

I'd rather discuss it with dr. Becker.

It-it... It's a little delicate.

Mr. Pearson, this is a doctor's office.

There's nothing you can't tell us.

Yes, there is.

Fine.

The doctor will be with you in a moment.

Thank you.

May I use the restroom?

Of course.

Margaret, the lab call back

With mr. Garland's new test results?

I called them

Three times, but their phone's out of order.

Mercury retrograde.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pearson ( screaming): Ow! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh, god!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Pearson: Ow! Ow! Oh, god!

What the hell was that?

Mr. Pearson.

Oh, yeah, right.

I'll be with you

In a minute, mr. Pearson.

You know, I never thought I'd say this,

But I'm beginning to think that linda was right

About all that astrology crap.

Oh, that's nonsense.

Strange things don't happen to you

Because of the planets or numerology

Or any of that junk.

If your faith in the lord was as strong as mine,

You would know that.

You lead a good life, you go to heaven.

If you don't, you suffer the consequences.

Excuse me.

Oh, sweet jesus.

Um, are you a new patient?

Yes, I am.

And your name is...?

I'm known by many names:

Jim... James... Jimbo...

You get him, I'll get the rat.

"quark"? Sorry, my friend

But I believe a duck goes "quack."

Bob, the word is "quark."

It's a term in physics

Referring to one of an elementary group of particles.

That's it. You're doing too well.

And you know what else?

I think he can see!

That's right, bob.

Jake's pretended to be blind all these years

So he could beat you at scrabble.

It's possible.

Hey, becker.

Don't get excited.

I can't stay.

Apparently, the stars have aligned

And turned my office into a madhouse.

I'm just here to grab a smoke.

Scrabble with jake?

Uh, john... (snickering)

What? You think we're taking advantage of him?

No, I think he's taking advantage of you.

He played in the national championships,

Like, three different times.

Excuse me?

Well, I only won once.

Jake, you hustled us!

Well, now, technically, it's not hustling

Unless you were dumb enough to play for money.

(snickering)

I thought it was a sure thing.

He's blind!

I mean, the man's been throwing fish food in his toilet

For the last five years!

You know what? Here!

Choke on it!

Better pay up, reg.

"xebec," my ass!

All right, reg, take your cut.

So you were in on this, too?

(both laughing)

(hearty laugh)

So you guys spent the day hustling bob out of 50 bucks?

Hey, I got him to put a little money down on his tab.

And I got to humiliate him.

Where's the bad?

Let's get him again tomorrow.

Yeah.

What else are we good at?

I'd take the 50 and run.

So did you get the test results?

Am I dying?

Mr. Garland, sometimes,

You know, no matter how hard we try...

I'm going to live?

Oh, no. Why me?

I'm sorry, you know, but there's nothing else we can do.

Oh, come on, there's got to be something.

You know, look on the bright side here.

Every day you pick up a paper

And see how scientists are discovering something new

That can kill you.

That could take years!

Well, now, keep a good thought.

Geez, who died?

Nobody.

Any more patients?

No, that's it.

Oh, thank god. I've had enough nuts for one day.

And why do you think that is, dr. Becker?

Hey, come on, don't start with me.

You know, I was going to go along with that astrology crap,

But then I looked it up.

Mercury doesn't go into retrograde

For another three months.

Wow, that must mean

All the weird stuff that happened here today

Was nothing but a bunch of unrelated coincidences.

Yeah. You got a better explanation?

Well, if you add up the month, the day and the year

That adds up to 26.

You add the two and the six, that's eight.

Divide that by four, that's two,

Which is the number of people here in this room.

Coincidence?

I don't think so.

Oh, margaret, will you let go

Of that rat thing?

I can't, john.

He's up there.

I know he is.

All right, get down, get down. Come on.

If it will make you feel better,

I'll go take a look. All right.

You see anything?

(rat squeaking)

John: Oh, sweet jesus.