Original subtitles

Merry christmas, everybody!

Isn't it a wonderful time of year?

Is it me, or is the whole city just twinkling?

Okay, there's my christmas cheer.

Divide it amongst yourselves.

Can I have some coffee, please?

Coming right up.

Just made a fresh pot.

Ooh! Fresh coffee.

Who had December in the pool?

Well, I can't wait for christmas.

I'm going to go out shopping

And then curl up in front of a roaring fire

With this great new guy.

What guy?

I don't know.

That's what I'm shopping for.

I'm with john.

I'm dreading christmas this year.

Amanda and I are spending

The holiday with my nana

Who affectionately refers to amanda

As "that little whore."

No, I can beat that.

Louis is cooking christmas dinner again this year.

That sounds nice.

Mmm-hmm.

Last year, the turkey exploded.

Oh, you know that little bag of giblets?

Shot out of the kitchen, ricocheted off the credenza

And knocked out the cat.

Well, that's a walk in the park

Compared to spending christmas

With my mom at the home.

Believe me, when death takes a holiday

That's where he goes.

Well, maybe you'd all

Feel differently about christmas

If you'd stop whining about your own lives

And tried to help someone less fortunate.

Reg, look around you.

By the time you find someone

Less fortunate, it'll be easter.

I'm talking about these "dear santa" letters

From underprivileged kids.

The post office gives them out

So that people can grant them their wishes.

Oh, why do that?

You know, you're just giving the kids false hopes.

20 years from now, they're going to be bitter

Because some do-gooder didn't fix the rest of their lives.

Is that what happened to dr. Becker?

It would explain a lot.

You know what, reg, I'll take one.

Me, too. I'll have one.

Yeah, give me one.

Thanks.

John.

I was going to take it.

Oh, my kid wants a robot.

And my little girl wants a doll.

This kid just wants a card.

Let me see that.

Aw, fine, fine-- I'll get him the damn cd player he wants.

What I ought to do is give him something

To prepare him for the future--

You know, an apron, a hairnet and a spatula.

Hey.

Oh. I'm sorry, reggie, I for...

Yeah, sorry.

(telephone ringing)

Doctor's office.

Hi, daddy.

Oh, you're coming for christmas?

That's great.

I want to make...

What?

Oh, why do you have to bring your slutty new girlfriend?

And doesn't she mind when you call her that?

All right, all right, I'll see you on christmas.

I don't want to alarm anybody

But there's a naked guy

Standing out there wearing nothing but a santa hat.

Count your blessings.

He used to be standing in here.

So, you took a nice, long lunch.

Did you at least buy a gift for your kid?

Huh? Oh, right, right, the poor kid.

Uh... No, I'm going to wait till the last minute, you know

When all the stores have their sales.

What's up here?

Okay, a little girl ate a whole gingerbread house,

A lady slipped on a broken ornament

And some guy threw out his back hauling fruitcakes.

Ooh, boy.

You know, I'd hate to be a delivery guy this time of year.

Actually, he's an ambulance driver from bellevue.

All right, what can I do

For you, mr. Ellison?

Doc, I need something for... Gas.

Uh-huh.

Well...

Shoot, uh...

I'm going to have to examine you, 'cause, uh...

Gas can be a symptom of something more serious.

Oh, it's serious, all right, but it's not me.

See, it's my boss.

We're too halves of a reindeer.

(chuckles)

You're the wrong half?

(laughing)

Why are you laughing? It's not funny.

I need something that I can drop in my boss's eggnog

Or I'm going to die.

No, now, you can't just slip him something like that.

You're gonna have to either tell him or live with it.

As I may have mentioned, I'm going to die.

Well, I'm sorry. But, hey--

Look on the bright side here.

A couple hours with your nose in your boss's butt

You might get a promotion.

Yeah, real funny, doc.

Real damn funny.

(laughing)

You know, reg, that was a great idea

Answering those kids' letters.

Oh, what did you get?

I don't know.

The department store was so crowded,

I just grabbed whatever I could and got the hell out of there.

What did I get?

A game boy and a strainer.

Oh.

Merry christmas.

Thank you.

I got my kid a robot.

It walks, it talks and it picks stuff up

Which is already one more thing than louis does.

I not only got my kid the barbie doll

But I got her a whole wardrobe

The beach house, the pink corvette--

That little plastic bimbo's living better than I am.

Hey, you guys.

So, john, did you buy your gift yet?

Yeah, for your information,

I got it, like, three days ago.

Oh, really.

What did you get?

Yeah, I've been really busy, margaret.

I can't believe you took that letter

And you're not going to send that kid anything.

That kid's going to wake up christmas morning

Thinking that christmas is a giant sham.

It is a sham.

So, when you think about it,

I just gave that kid the gift of truth

Which is, you know, way too big to wrap.

Oh, save it, john.

I already bought him a cd player.

It's wrapped and on your desk.

All you have to do is address it and mail it.

Wow. Boy, it really does feel good to give, doesn't it?

I don't believe this.

Now my mother's coming for christmas

And she's bringing her boyfriend.

I don't know why she's bringing him to my house.

It's not like I have a pool to clean.

Yeah, da... David just has a cold.

A few days in bed, he'll be fine.

Bye-bye.

Oh, I tell you, we need more patients like that at christmas.

Calm, not going crazy.

Just taking the holiday in stride.

You mean kids?

No, jews.

Hey, you know what?

If this is it, why don't you

Take the rest of the day off?

A whole hour early? With pay?

Ah...

Well, hey, you know, what the hell? Yeah.

Merry christmas, margaret.

Merry christmas, john.

Hey, did I hear something

About people leaving early?

Oh, yeah, go ahead. Take off, linda.

Oh, do me a favor, though, will you?

If you're going by a post office,

Mail this for me.

Here's the address.

It's too late to mail anything.

The post office is closed.

Oh. Well, I tried.

If you really want that little boy to get his gift

You could drive it out to his house.

Are you nuts?

He lives out in queens.

That's not just time, that's tolls.

You know, dr. Becker

By taking that letter

You made a promise to that child

And you should keep it.

It's the right thing to do.

Why do I have to go out to queens?

This is the bronx.

I could throw this out a window and hit a poor kid.

(horns beeping, honking)

"right thing to do," my ass.

Excuse me!

Go away!

I need a ride into queens.

You going over the bridge?

Does it look like I'm going anywhere?

If you had another passenger,

You could use the carpool lane.

Well, it is cold out there.

Hey.

Thanks.

My car broke down.

I've been out there

Freezing for an hour.

You're the first person to even talk to me, let alone help me.

I gotta tell you,

When a stranger goes out of his way for...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

("jingle bells" playing)

Ah, I love this one.

(humming along)

So where is this carpool lane?

Actually, you're already in it.

I just thought I'd help you avoid a ticket.

(humming "jingle bells")

Ma?

Ma...

G-47!

Bingo!

I'm sorry, ma, did I wake you?

Bobby...

Come over here.

That wasn't nice.

Now give me a kiss.

What the hell are you doing here?

It's christmas, ma, and don't pretend like you don't know.

A cigarette? Are you crazy?

You can't smoke in here.

That's an oxygen tank.

Relax, it's not lit.

But if they ever tell me I have five minutes to live,

I don't want to waste it looking for a cigarette.

All right, all right, fine.

So...?

Where is it? Where's my gift?

I didn't have time to shop this year.

What?!

Relax, I'm yanking your chain.

Here-- merry christmas, doll.

Oh, man, it's a police car!

Well, I know you love cars.

And it's got a remote control!

And I know you hate moving.

Ma, these are really expensive.

You shouldn't have.

Ah, forget it. It fell off a truck.

Enjoy.

Thanks, ma.

You bet.

Okay, now you have to open yours.

Fancy bag. Ooh!

It's perfume.

The saleswoman at the store said

It gets rid of that old lady smell.

Oh... Bobby...

Come over here.

That wasn't nice.

Now give me a kiss.

Can I try it?

Well, I can't return it.

This is so cool.

Code blue! Code blue!

(siren wailing)

Sorry about that, guys.

Oh, look at that, it's starting to snow...

And on christmas eve.

How's that for a miracle?

Those are ashes from the car fire up ahead.

Still, it's a beautiful night.

So quiet, so peaceful.

(honking horn) hey, move it, you jackass!

I guess it's hard to be patient.

We've all got someplace to be.

I mean, I'm supposed to meet up

With a couple of old college buddies

But I guess we'll all just get there when we get there.

The important thing is to be grateful

For all the goodness in...

Aw, you know, that's it. That's it.

You know, I'm going to go see what the hell's taking so long.

You mind if I listen to christmas music while you're gone?

Actually, that'd be the best time

To listen to christmas music.

Oh, bobby...

Mmm! This is delicious.

It's canned turkey, ma. Just like you used to make.

Okay, ma, it's officially after dinner.

Now, you know what that means.

What does that mean?

("it came upon a midnight clear" playing)

May I? May you what?

Come on, ma, don't pretend like you don't know.

We have to dance. It's our christmas tradition.

All right, all right.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Aw, honey...

Bobby, this is so nice.

Yeah, it is, ma.

Yeah.

Shall we dip?

Yeah, why not?

Just a second.

You ready? Go for it.

You know, honey, this really tired me out.

I got to rest up for my date.

Really? You got a date? With who?

Mr. Bellows across the hall.

We're going to watch

Midnight mass from st. Peter's.

Directly across the hall?

Yeah.

I get the feeling

He'll be getting to st. Peter's a little early.

Fine, he can wait for me for a change.

Bobby...

Thanks for coming over.

Oh, ma...

You know, ma...

I just want to tell you

I'm really gonna turn things around this year.

I can just feel it.

Oh, honey, I'm proud of you just the way you are.

Thanks, ma.

Now who's my best little boy?

Me.

Who's me?

Bobby.

And what is bobby?

I'm your best little boy.

I love you, ma.

I love you, too, baby.

Merry christmas, bobby.

Merry christmas, ma.

Well, they finally got the burning car

Hooked up to the tow truck.

Now the tow truck's on fire.

Oh, that's... That's great.

The guy takes off and leaves a classic car just sitting here.

Where's my gift?

Son of a bitch ripped me off.

I can't believe that!

(horn honks)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.

(thud)

Aw, come on, lady, put your finger away-- it's christmas!

Hi, guys. How were your holidays?

An old black lady, an asian girl and a blind guy

Got into a bar fight.

And, no, I'm not telling you a joke,

I'm describing christmas morning.

Mine wasn't much better.

I spent christmas with my cousin audrey and her son.

Cute kid, but he's got, like, 17 different personalities.

Oh... That's weird.

Well, on the plus side, one of them is a 38-year-old lawyer

And he said he'd call.

He won't.

So, bob, how was your christmas at the home?

Horrible.

Old people complaining, lousy food.

My mom thinks I'm, like, ten years old.

She got me a remote control car.

What, like a little race car?

No, this was, like, a really cool police cruiser

With lights and a siren...

It was pathetic.

You're awfully quiet, becker.

But if that's my christmas present, thank you.

It's what I've always wanted.

I may have...

I may have witnessed a miracle.

What are you talking about?

Well, something weird happened to me on christmas eve

And I have no other explanation for it.

I was on my way to give that kid his gift, right?

And I got stuck in traffic and this guy came up to the car.

He asked me for a ride. I said, "okay."

Oh, my god.

You helped someone?

That's not the story.

Hello, everyone.

Hey. Hey.

Just tea, please, reg.

Coffee for me, please.

In a minute, guys.

Go ahead, becker.

Well, it turns out

The guy I picked up

Stole everything out of my car,

Including that kid's gift.

But now, the weird thing is

When I got to work this morning

I had this thank-you note from the kid's mom.

You know, there's no way that gift could've gotten there.

It didn't have an address on it.

Then how'd he get it?

I think that's the point of my story, jake.

And there was no return address, either.

So how did she know where to send the thank-you card?

So, this guy you picked up, who was he?

I don't know, he was just a... A stranger, you know?

Came out of nowhere and then disappeared into nowhere.

And he was creepy, you know?

All... Happy.

Do you have any idea where he went?

No, no.

He said he was going to go to queens

To see two of his friends from college.

Three college guys, huh?

Sort of like the three wise men.

Was there a star burning in the east?

No.

But there was a buick on fire.

And in the eastbound lane.

Look, how long were you stuck out there?

I don't know, they didn't clear it up until after midnight.

It came upon a midnight clear.

Wow, maybe you're right.

Maybe it was a miracle.

No, no, no, there's got to be another word for it.

I mean, just hearing you say it, it sounds so crazy.

I can't believe I said it.

Damn it, damn it.

Something was going on out there.

I mean, who was that guy?

Maybe he was an angel.

Or the spirit of christmas.

I don't know; I don't know.

But if what happened really was a m... A m...

What she said...

Then, you know,

It calls into question everything I've ever believed in

Or not believed in.

Maybe it was a sign.

Maybe I need to start being different.

You know, better.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, listen, if I forgot to say this a couple of days ago--

Merry christmas.

Hey, merry christmas, buddy. Hey, jake,

Merry christmas, buddy.

Oh, stop it!

What?

As tempting as it is to have you walk out of here a believer,

This is not the way it's supposed to happen.

I mailed the gift.

Excuse me?

I knew you wouldn't mail it on time, so I did it for you.

But you left it on my desk.

I left a gift for you on your desk.

For me?

What was it?

Did you open it?

No.

Then it was a very expensive watch.

So, wait a minute, all that really happened here

Was I did a good deed for some guy on christmas eve

And he turned around and robbed me!

Oh, I know, it's terrible, john.

No, no, it's wonderful.

I always thought christmas sucked-- now I have proof!

Yeah!

Hey, yeah, move it, tiny tim!

I don't have all day, you know?

You had to tell him.