Original subtitles

From the Comedy Festival at Caesars Palace, Las Vegas, Cheech and Chong

Roasters. Hosted by Brad Garrett, Tom Arnold, Shelby Chong, Greg Giraldo,

Ralphie May, Penn and Teller, Geraldo Rivera, Wilma Valderrama. With special

messages from Steve Carell, Andy Dick, Robert Osborne, and Martha Stewart.

And now, please welcome two old buds, the legendary Cheech and Chong.

Here's your talk back for the evening, Brad Dillard.

Keep it strong.

Keep it strong, everybody. Welcome.

Wow. Welcome to a, yeah.

Oh, this is incredible there.

Your people are here, guys. There must be 200 Mexicans.

I think there's 200 Mexicans because I saw three cars, ladies and gentlemen.

That's right. And they were parked on the lawn.

A lot of you purchased your tickets early months ago because I know you

to see the Reverend Al Sharpton.

He bailed on us literally minutes ago.

But I don't want to bail on the Al Sharpton joke. So what I have done, two

ago I was playing craps out in the casino, losing my ass, just so you know.

I met a very lovely black gentleman who is from Vegas, and he is going to sit

in, if that's it. He's never been on TV.

Never on TV.

Make it feel at home. His name is Anthony Jackson.

Anthony Jackson is here.

Anthony Jackson.

All right.

All right.

Little man.

We've got Anthony.

Claim the court of Al Sharpton.

Anthony Jackson.

Thank you for coming here, Reverend.

Al Sharpton can't claim that the white man is keeping him down now that Obama's

in the White House, but he can claim...

that the half -white man is keeping them down.

Thank you, Reverend.

Thank you.

Oh, Jesus.

Tommy, I've got to tell you, you look like shit.

The Civil War called. They found your diary.

It's good to see that drugs really don't affect you.

Let's get to the deus. It's a veritable who's available.

Waldo Rivera, everybody.

He's half Jewish and half Puerto Rican, so he steals your shit and then he sells

it back to you.

when he's not blowing Bill O 'Reilly.

The very funny Greg Giraldo. Greg Giraldo. How are you, man?

Hi, Bob.

Greg Giraldo.

Greg, I have three words for you.

Who are you?

Ralphie May.

He's a large man.

He's so fat, when he goes to the chicken ranch, he has to fuck the hookers in

the corral.

So I'm on all this here because listening to an old Cheech and Chong LP

fucking Roseanne. Halfway through, you have to flip it over to the

shitty side.

Cheech, do me a favor.

Remind Tommy where he is.

Your first movie, do you remember what it was? Up in Smoke.

Up in

Smoke made

over $100 million at a time when that was a lot of money.

It was so successful that you guys, you spent the rest of your career making

eight more of the same movie.

A different title.

But after a long and incredible career, Cheech and Chong broke up.

That was sad.

Cheech was Cheech's idea.

Cheech started collecting art while Tommy continued to tour with his wife,

Shelby. Wow.

You took your wife on the road?

Oh my God, Al Sharpton's great -grandfather wasn't whipped that bad.

It's amazing. He's been on TV four minutes, already an attitude.

Now it's time to really figure out why

we're here, because I have no idea.

It's to roast these two wonderful icons.

of comedy. And right now, we're going to take a look.

We're going to take a look back at the Gauld Bane when Cheech and Chong started

out. And here they are.

Good evening.

I'm Officer Dick. I've spent my entire life warning the youth of America about

the dangers of drug addiction.

If you try drugs, it can lead to other destructive behavior, like getting

arrested. destroying your TV career, or blowing dudes.

But today, I'm here to warn you about a far deadlier scourge. One that, for the

last 40 years, has trapped millions of unsuspecting Americans in its mind

-numbing clutches. I'm speaking, of course, about Cheech and Shaw.

It began in 1971.

The country was in turmoil.

Brave young Americans were headed to Vietnam, inspiring this courageous

to cross the border into Canada. It was here that Richard Cheech Marin

and Thomas Hussein Chong formed a team. I slept in a ditch last night, man. I

almost closed my balls off, man. They started pushing their junk in strip

International masturbation champion, Harry Pond.

Big brother, the goddamn dog.

and eventually smuggled it into the state. You got any narcotics or

here? Uh, none anymore.

People gathered in dark rooms to get a fix of their Bible poison.

Who is it?

It's Dave, man. Open up.

Dave's not here.

Pretty soon, all the squares were jonesing for a hit and blasting off to

still. Turn on the fizzle.

Fire up. Thank you.

People wanted to go to their movies to tune in, turn on, and walk out.

But the supply ran out when they broke up.

All right, then I'll do it myself.

Go ahead and do it yourself.

Forget you.

Decades of exposure to themselves.

left Cheech and Chong with permanent brain damage and impaired judgment.

Tommy Chong was sentenced to nine months in federal prison for selling bongs on

the internet.

And they fell in a bad company.

Chong said that you and him, you can poke weed together.

You know, we had a good time. We know how to enjoy ourselves.

After thousands of sold -out concerts, blockbuster movies, classic comedy

albums, and a bitter breakup that lasted over 20 years, the Cheech and Chong

epidemic is back and stronger than ever. If you or anyone you know has been

exposed to Cheech and Chong, seek a medical professional. And while you're

there, get hooked up with one of these.

More jokes and totes. Hello, Cheech. Hello, Tommy. You've hit rock bottom

Cheech and Tom.

Tommy, Cheech, it's me, Martha Stewart.

Hey, guys, this is the most important night of your life.

And I'm a very important person. That's why I'm not there.

I didn't want to have to fly out there, check in the hotel, and share a room

with Al Sharpton.

And to be perfectly honest, I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a melon baller

than stare at Brad Garrett all night.

But anyway, I know you thought this was a roast, but the truth is, it's an

intervention.

Marijuana can ruin your life, not to mention the lives of the people around

Here's someone else who's got something to say to you.

Hello, Cheech. Hello, Tommy.

I've always been a big fan of your movie.

I followed you.

Ever since I was a little kid, really, my brother was the one who introduced me

to Cheech and Chong movies. He was my older brother.

And we used to go together to the movies. He used to take me.

And it was one of those movie -going experiences that you don't forget

it was kind of a bonding thing between me and my brother.

He actually became a little more invested in your movies than I did, and

started doing marijuana soon thereafter, because of course that's what you do

when you go to a Cheech and Chalk movie.

And it kind of spiraled into a place really of no return for him.

He overdosed.

He overdosed on marijuana when he was 19.

There's nothing funny about smoking pot. You guys have spent your career proving

that.

Maybe

it's

time to turn your life around.

You know you've hit rock bottom. You're doing a roast on TBS with Tom Arnold.

to seeing your next movie.

County Arise.

Ladies and gentlemen, our first roaster is the only person to ever max out their

credit card at Cinnabon.

Please, if you will, welcome the comedy team of Ralphie May.

Ralphie May.

A ton of fat jokes about me because that's what they do.

I am fat. I'm a fat bastard.

People tell me, why don't you get your kitchen stapled?

They've told me.

I kind of like that one, too. I think it's funny.

They say to lose weight, Ralphie hides his food by his dick. He'll never find

there.

Tom Arnold earlier tonight asked me, he goes, Ralphie May, when was the last

time you saw your dick? And I said, last night in the reflection of your

mother's forehead.

That's crazy.

You'll get your turn to say something unfunny in a minute.

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of my idols, Mr.

Geraldo Rivera.

I read your book.

I'm one of the seven.

You said in there that you banged Barbara Walters, Liza Minnelli, and Joan

Collins.

And they're going, dude, he's the guy who f***ed Lindsay Lohan.

And I'm like... Well, thanks for

narrowing it down, Jesus.

All right, all right. I got it. I don't have much time, but I got to talk to the

man of the hour. Ladies and gentlemen, my honored guest tonight, Mr. Chee Chee

Chong.

watching your movies, listening to your albums. Man, you got me smoking weed

early. And I appreciate the career because this is all munchie weight.

You guys are awesome.

You've been at it for a long time. Y 'all, they used to play Caesars when

was here.

They smoked the burning bush.

I'm such a huge Cheech and Chalk fan. I went out and bought their action

figures.

They don't do shit. They suck. They just sit around on the couch all day and

watch TV.

I ought to get one.

Cheech, you're like a father to comedians out there, especially stoners.

I think your problem is, Tommy, you didn't sell enough bongs. All right?

If you'd have sold like nine billions of dollars worth of bongs on Wall

Street and you f***ed a lot of tax people out of it and the government out

it, you wouldn't have gotten nine months in jail. You would have gotten nine

billions.

urging you, please desperately make another movie.

All right?

We need it.

You people need it. We need it.

I suggest, though, that you make it quick because you're getting old. I

seriously.

Pretty soon you'll be smoking weed for glaucoma, for real.

Thank you, gentlemen, for having me. I love you the most. Thank you, guys.

is here because the person who replaced the person who canceled also canceled.

Please welcome our Plan C, Geraldo Rivera.

I am Geraldo Rivera. Hi, everybody. How you doing? Brad

Garrett.

Terrific guy.

You know, he won three Emmys for Everybody Loves Raymond.

And then he did that other one, that still death, and the Emmy Academy

the other three back.

Now,

most people see me, Geraldo Rivera, been on television a long time, as just a

strikingly handsome, award -winning journalist.

What they don't know is, and this is true, I have gotten high with Cheech and

Chong in every country in the Western world.

Back in 1985, true story, Tommy smuggled two ounces of pot and one of my bongs

into Madagascar. We were all vacationing there. And I tell you, once you had a

bong up your ass for 12 hours, prison rape is a birthday party.

Now, no one really looked at Tommy Chong as a sex symbol except for four gay

hippies back in 1982 when he appeared in Playgirl magazine. Now, take a look.

There we are.

What kind of colossal ego do you have to have to do a photo shoot for Playgirl

magazine?

I didn't need a fluffer for my nude shots. The truth is that Cheech and

truly special artists, we should never underestimate, I'm being serious now,

never underestimate the power of comedy. I did a report on how hospitals for the

gravely ill, they really do, they play Cheech and Chong movies.

for the terminally ill, the terminally ill patients, to help them relieve their

long -term suffering.

And it really works, because within 10 minutes of watching the Chi Chi Chong

movie, they pull their own plugs. That's right.

Thank you, everybody. You're nice. Thank you.

Hualdo Rivera, everybody.

Hualdo.

Hualdo Rivera.

Tommy Chong backstage, he told me, he said, hey, I may be old, man, but I'm in

good shape. I could still touch my toes. I said, well, that's true, Tommy, but

it doesn't count when you do it with your balls.

The nice Chicano fellow in the audience asked, what was I doing looking at his

balls? And the answer is, trying to get your mom out of a bad predicament.

are the Sonny and Cher of magic. One of them is short and the other one should

ski into a tree.

I love them, ladies and gentlemen. Penn and Teller. Penn and Teller.

Brad Garrett.

Brad Garrett.

Brad Garrett starred in one of the biggest shows on television. He won

Emmys. And now look at him. He's one N -word away from being Michael Richards.

Now this is also, this is actually true. Teller and I may be the only people in

this room who have never smoked pot.

That's true.

That's true. I'm sorry, but that's true. And every time we look at Cheech and

Chong, we're reminded of why.

But seriously, we love these guys. Teller and I were so sad.

When they broke up due to inartistic differences.

A lot has happened.

in the 25 years since Cheech and Chong were apart.

But here's one thing that didn't happen. Someone saying, I wish Cheech and Chong

would get back together.

And how about Shelby Chong, huh? Married to Tommy Chong for over 25 years.

25 years, you know what?

A few years ago, I saw Tommy and Shelby perform together and gave Tommy some

advice. Get a partner who doesn't talk.

You know, Tommy Chong went to prison. I don't have any idea how they caught him.

He's sneaky. He's a mastermind. He's a super criminal.

Maybe it was the name of his company, Chong's Bongs.

Tell her you lit the wrong joint.

That's the problem here.

Thank you. Good night.

This next guy has done over 50 movies, and the only funny thing he's ever been

in is Roseanne.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tom Arnold!

Thank you, my brother.

Thank you, Dr.

Hackenstein.

By the way, a little lesson on comedy and how it works.

I'm the least funny person here, but obviously the most famous, because

done so many jokes about me.

Greg Giraldo lives on his mother's couch and collects food stamps, and Carrot

Top makes $10 million a year.

That's how it works.

You know, Brad proposed to his ex -wife on the set of Everybody Loves Raymond,

which was convenient because he's already on one knee blowing Ray Romano.

But, yeah.

But enough about Brad's only good career decision.

Kind of sucks, doesn't it there, Brad?

I'd love your new show, though, TMZ, where you beat up those little guys with

the cameras.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's an honor to sit next to Ronald Rivera and see his ugly,

face.

And when you're on Fox News, I've got to tell you, you do the impossible.

you make Bill O 'Reilly look like less of a douchebag. And that is a tough,

tough job.

Speaking of loudmouth giants and people who have nothing to say,

Penn and Teller... Which one is Penn again?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Penn, he was a contestant on Dancing with the Stars.

I didn't catch that episode, Penn, but...

Who is the star you danced with? I don't know.

And I got to ask the question that's on everybody's

mind here.

When you guys blow each other, at the end you say, ta -da!

I mean, I know Teller does it, but Ted, what can I

say about Wilmer Vandorama?

I don't think he's a Mexican because Mexicans work.

You know, since that 70s show got canceled, Wilmer's done nothing but bang

babes. Jennifer Love Hewitt, Mandy Moore, Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan.

I guess it is possible to f*** somebody's brains out.

He's done it.

Right there.

Right there. Come on.

He's like Robo Rivera without herpes, is what he is.

And he's hosting the after party, and I'm going to give you the directions.

go about a half mile down the strip, and you take a hard left right up Ashton

Kutcher's ass.

And let's get to our guests of honor, the legendary, truly legendary comedy

of Keith and Tom.

Boy, we're making a big deal about getting them back together, but who

gives a shit? Let's be honest.

All kidding aside, I really respect and love you guys.

And if it wasn't for you guys, I wouldn't have become addicted to pot.

Which, of course, led to my addiction to cocaine, which led to my marriage to

Roseanne.

Actually, you really...

My life is what you've done.

Brought jokes for lots of people, though. Seriously, it's an honor. I

of you guys.

Thank you very much.

That was great, Tom.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm jealous because he's good looking, he's

and like Geraldo, not out of the closet.

Wilmer!

Wilmer!

I'm not here to roast Cheech and Chong.

I'm here to cock -block Geraldo Rivera.

I met Geraldo backstage.

He's actually one of my heroes. When he was a news reporter, he was the first

Puerto Rican I ever saw get into the back of a van not being handcuffed.

And that's a big deal because he gave me hope, you know.

Because he claimed he's had sex with a thousand women.

A thousand women.

I call that a slow Tuesday.

But I'm really here to talk about Cheech and Chong. I give it up for Cheech and

Chong.

But it's great, you know, I don't know if you, I'm sure you guys remember on

70s show, Tommy played Leo on that 70s show.

You know, he's truly like a father to me, you know. I mean, I caught him on my

mother twice.

But I'll never forget the day Tommy got busted.

But, you know, I supported my friend and visited him in prison.

You know, it was really awkward because he traded me to a black guy for a pack

of cigarettes.

That just made it.

But I love you guys. And you guys know that's true because you're the only

friends I have in Hollywood who can't do anything for my career. Enjoy your

night.

I'm Robert Osborne.

We went to the classic movie vault and found a Cheech and Chong movie.

Like all their movies, it was stuck under the vault to keep it from

Over the years, Turner Classic Movies thought that age and water had damaged

films of Cheech and Chong, but motion picture historians agree that their

were destroyed the moment the director yelled action.

Interesting to note that Cheech and Chong were involved in a long legal

with the studios who wanted to turn their films into silent movies.

Unfortunately for all of us, Cheech and Chong won that battle.

I'm Robert Osborne.

Peace out, bitches.

It's such an honor to be here tonight, you know, to be with my favorite comedy

team, Penn and Teller.

Just kidding.

We all know Penn and Teller suck.

Me and Tommy have been together forever.

The only person who's been Tommy longer than me is Cheat.

Tommy's like a fine wine. You have to smell him before you put him in your

mouth.

But it was really tough on me, you know, when they sentenced Tommy to nine

months in jail.

But thank God for conjural visits.

If Cheech didn't visit me once a week.

This guy is an incredibly funny comedian. He has been a promising young

for over 20 years.

Greg Giraldo.

Thank you, everybody.

Thank you, Brad Garrett. Everybody, keep it going for that giant.

like a circus tent.

Tom Arnold is here.

Tom, of course, he's famous for marrying Roseanne Barr and pretty much

that's it.

Tommy Chong thought about replacing Cheech with Tom Arnold. They were going

call themselves Leech and Chong.

Yeah,

it's going to keep going.

Wilmer Valderrama.

here, huh? How about that?

It's like Enrique Iglesias fell in a dryer and came out smaller and gayer.

You're so gay, you f***ed Lindsay Lohan and made her gay.

Ralphie May, of course, is here.

Ralphie, you're like the population of India. You're loud, sweaty, and double

size every year.

You're the only guy who watches porn and c***. When the guy delivers the pizza.

Yeah.

Oh, the hot dogs.

Hooray.

Penn Jillette.

With your greasy ponytail, you look like a male stripper that swallowed a male

stripper.

And, uh... It's good to see that little weirdo

teller here, too. What a freak.

Usually Tom Arnold's the only guy in the room who's made a living doing

absolutely nothing besides hooking up with a fat slob with a bad haircut.

Penn and Teller, you're like the new Siegfried and Roy, your big Vegas

entertainers. You do elaborate tricks, and one of you doesn't talk anymore.

Shelby Chong is here. Holy shit, what a hot old broad.

Shelby Chong is here, or as Cheech calls her, Smoko Ono.

Cheech has a hot Russian wife.

Tommy wanted to get one too, but he's a felon. He can't order things by man.

Cheech and Chong, just when I thought they were gone, they came back. They're

like the herpes of comedy.

It's exciting.

And what a career you've had. After you split up, Cheech became a big TV star

and Chong went to jail.

You guys are like Lance Armstrong's testicles. One of you kept cruising

and the other one stopped working, was ripped from its home, and finally left

rot in the can.

Here's my impression of Tommy Chong in prison.

Hey! What are you trying to do? You ruined my rectum, man.

I just bought it.

Sheesh. You love to play golf, and, uh... And some people say that that's a

sellout move for a Mexican -American. That's horse shit. What could be more

Mexican than sweating on a freshly mowed lawn with dirty balls and a bag full of

weapons?

Cheech met Chong in Canada where Cheech went to avoid the draft.

Wow, you're the first Mexican ever to leave the country illegally.

way, you know what? You guys are the best. I mean it. I love you guys. You've

been huge comedy heroes of mine. I'm so psyched you're back. Thanks for having

me here.

We've had

a

lot of fun here tonight and I know everybody in this room is a fan of these

brilliant gentlemen that took comedy to another level.

And now we're going to hear from the first genius half of this team. Ladies

gentlemen, please make them feel at home. Mr. Tommy Chong.

Thank you very

much. coming. I

just want to say no one's happier than me because I've been addicted to

for years.

But it's an honor being roasted by professionals.

Brad, really, you've had a beautiful career. I loved you and everybody loves

Raymond. I guess you haven't done anything funny since

then, really.

So maybe your nickname should be One Hitter.

Wilmer!

This is my bud from the 70s show, man. Wilmer.

Wilmer.

And I taught Wilmer everything I know, man. Like how to roll a joint with one

hand.

And that's all I know, man.

And the first night I met Chief, he had some... Primo Mexican, and after we

spoke the first time, he thought everything I said was funny.

And I thought everything he said was funny.

And then we thought everything our dog said was funny.

And that's how this whole thing started.

And I'll tell you why we broke up. A lot of people wonder why we broke

up. We broke up because we got rich.

I'm serious, man. And I learned one thing.

You can't make a rich Mexican do shit, boy.

Hey, before we go, before I go, I got to give some kudos to my beautiful wife,

Shelby.

And it's nice to work with a partner who has a vagina.

After working so many years with such a little prick.

Well, for the record, I didn't make this bomb.

I've been in show business for 40 years, and this is the shit they give me, man.

Half

these

people I don't know, the other half I don't want to know.

Brad, I saw you on TV, on the TMZ, pushing the paparazzi away.

At this point in your career, that's like a Somalian swatting away a

man.

Tom, you have enough of this.

Ralphie May. Thank you very much, Ralphie May. Let's hear it for Ralphie

Ralphie, he can't stay long. He has to go back to plugging the hole in the

layer.

Geraldo Rivera.

My friend, one of my best friends, over 35 years has had my

back. If it doesn't work out at Fox, he can always go back to his original

profession, gay porn.

You know.

Geraldo's half Jewish, half Puerto Rican, which means he won't stab a bitch

after sundown. Which I... I really respect.

He's kosher that way.

Wilder Valderrama, Wilmer Valderrama.

It sucks tonight. God.

Shelby Chong was great tonight.

She's the only one here in this room who knows what it's like to smoke a 70

-year -old joint.

But let's talk about my partner, Tommy Chong. I can still remember how I met

him. We were in Vancouver. I was walking through Stanley Park and I see this guy

coming to me and I didn't know him. He has long hair and he's smiling.

And I'll never forget what he said. He came up to me and he says, Hey, I'll

your dick for a dollar.

Hey, I needed the dollar, you know.

We've had a crazy life together, years and years and years together.

A lot of highs, but even when we were low, we were still high, you know, so

was pretty good.

Sometimes you would get high and do crazy things, like you felt up my cousin

her own funeral.

Always doing stupid shit like that, man. You're 70 years old.

How is it that you still wear a diaper and still shit all over my life?

Think about it. I'm sick of this shit, man. I'm finished with you, puto. You

know?

Cheating tongue is over once again, so fuck you. I'm out of here.

Good night,

everybody.

Thanks for your understanding.