Original subtitles

Used all my options, worked off my dues.

Laid all the cards down, there's nothing to lose.

Don't want tomorrow to be like today.

That's why I'm breaking away.

Not trying to run, not trying to hide.

What can I win if I'm losing my pride?

Won't let tomorrow be.

like today.

That's why I'm breaking away.

Ooh, breaking away.

Got to find a better way.

Look, sir.

What?

We should have done this years ago.

What are they doing?

Tanning.

What?

Tanning? It started last weekend when you were away. What on earth for?

Good for the skin.

Well, that's what Barry reckons. Well,

I mean, you've got to admit, mate, neither of them's got what you could

Flawless complexions, aren't they?

Anyway, Paddy read in this magazine article about the sun's artificial rays

being good for your skin or some crap like that. We're not going to get much

around here, are we? Well, I reckon they just want to get a sun tan before they

go back home. It'll prove they've been abroad.

Aye.

Hey, hey, if you want to prove you've been over here, surely it'd be more

appropriate to go back with bloody pneumonia.

Have you seen them today?

Oh, they're a couple, aren't they? Aye.

They were at that last Sunday, you know.

It's a wonder they haven't gone to bookings.

You'd have thought they'd send us a postcard, wouldn't you? But not a word.

Well, if you ask me, them two's camping out on the edge of reality.

Well, maybe we should turn this place into a weekend resort, eh?

Ah, paint all the hoods yellow and call them shallies. Yeah, we could offer

crime rides, eh? And turn the dampers into dodgums, some of that.

The way things are going round here, it'd be easier to turn this place into a

lunatic asylum.

Oh, when I stink about it.

You could have the deck chair concession.

Neve could do the donkey ride. Wade could give dance lessons when it rained

there. Think about it, man.

Starlag by the sea.

I think Starlag Sir Lemur sounds a bit more enticing, don't you think?

So it appears that you'd want to take somebody that you hate.

Yeah, like Hartlepool.

Listen, lads, if yous don't want to make a few bob on the side, maybe you should

come in with me.

What do you mean, like?

Doing a bit of moonlighting, are you, Russ? Well, I made up this business

proposition, right? See, I've met this Eric.

Canny lad.

Foreign Eric.

Anyway, nothing's finalised yet, so I can't say it so much.

But if you want in, knows the time to speak up.

How do I...? Do you mean speak up or divvy up, Stan? What?

Well,

tell us what it is. No, I can't yet.

Well, how would we be expected to chip in if you won't explain?

Well, that's the whole point, man, never.

Well, it escapes me, Oz.

Look, the more you speculate, the more coin you get back on the back end.

But, Oz, we're entitled to know what it is we're speculating in.

Aye, in due course, Dennis, when I get everything finalised. But, er, well, for

the moment, all I need is your ready and your trust.

Was I asking too much, like? Well,

it's

adult and it's liable to cause offense.

It's adult, liable to cause offense?

Sounds like us.

Get in bed.

Whoa, whoa.

Right. Down with that.

Look, all I need is some cash up front and then we'll quit this. I'm thinking

it. Big business.

A spanning market, guaranteed demand.

All we've got to do is buy the gear here, ship it to them, and then we'll

this. What is it?

Well, I want you to go and tell the rest because they never take it seriously,

that looks.

What's in your heart now? What are you on about?

Porn.

Corn?

No, man, porn, man, porn, you know. What are you on about?

You're writing an opening date since first massage, partner.

No, man, videos, man, important videos.

You're asking me to handle pornographic videos?

Me, the father of five children?

Well, they're doing up to watch them.

Why are you up here, rocker lad?

Ah, well, forget it.

I just know a five -bench mate in need of the extra kind.

You're up here, bloody rocker, boy -o.

You're up here, bloody rocker, boy -o.

X -ray show coming from the toes. Otherwise it's just badly bruised.

It still hurts.

It hurts like billion.

They'll be okay when they get the car.

Well, look, if they're not keeping you in overnight, well, hang on, we'll get

you back to the hut. All right, Bob? Cheers, lad. Well, I mean, there's no

in everybody hanging around. There's a cluttering up the corridor, so if nobody

minds, I'll just get away. All right.

Further away, the better, as far as Bono's concerned.

Oh, well, Bob, it wasn't my fault. Well, not entirely. Yes, it was. You weren't

paying attention. Well, what about that Eric on the crane? You can't tell me. He

was entirely blameless. I'd sew the bollocks up for me. A couple of the

compents. Seriously, anyway, look, I'll see you back at that hut.

Be something they look forward to, that will. Don't worry, Bob. It's OK.

We'll see you all right, mate. Don't worry. It's a crack Bomber's worried

Laid off, no crack.

We go here for leg. I reckon she means the plaster. Yeah.

Me and General will wait on for you there, Bob.

Much appreciated.

Shouldn't be too long. OK, don't worry, Bob. See you later.

Now what is it?

Do you remember what we were talking about?

The midnight deal. Oh, I remember it. My foot reminds me.

Never mind that one. Look, now we're going to be laid off for a while.

You should reconsider it, eh?

Sie sind aber ein sturer Mensch.

Look, I came to this hospital.

But I'm quiet.

You hear that? You guys are British.

Don't take it.

Hey, man, what's the matter, son?

Just calm down.

Nurses are here to help you, aren't they?

Sorry, didn't mean to impose. We just realized he was British and thought he

might not understand you like, you know.

He understands very well.

In any language, he's a stubborn old man.

Maltz. Well,

we didn't mean to impose.

Just thought you might want a hand.

No, no. That is most kind.

Perhaps because you're English.

He is... Well, he might calm down.

He might listen to us? Yeah.

He has no one, you see. No friends or family.

Can he talk, though, with that thing on?

Yeah, if he gets short breath, he'll tell me.

Fair enough.

What was the panic about?

He hides something.

Will you find it?

Well, give it a try, won't we? Sure.

Thank you.

What are

you

feeling, then?

How would you feel with these cunt traps, you know?

Aye, well, I mean, it's for your own good, isn't it? I mean, they know best,

don't they?

Aye, so they say.

How come you've ended up here, then, eh? Because I'm bloody dying, that's how.

No, no, I meant in a German hospital.

I live here.

In the city?

For the past two years, aye.

Few of the places before you, man.

Mannheim, Essen.

It's a job, eh, the boundaries.

I can thank them for all this, man.

What's the matter with you, mate?

Chronic bronchitis.

Oh, I'm Dennis, by the way.

This is Neville. Pleased to meet you. Hi.

Hadley. Hadley Irwin.

Well, we're pleased to meet you, Hadley.

Sounds like you're a Geordie, Hadley. No, I'm bloody not.

I'm from Darlington.

Oh, well, we're from just up the road. Aye.

Never been back to Blighty since 1946.

Never? How come?

Not after what they did to me.

Who? The British.

Look, it's a long story.

I'll tell you when I'm more up to it.

Listen, would you like us to come back and see you again? I mean, the sister

said that you didn't have anybody like. So, so to say, man, it's not the first

time I've been here, man.

At least it's the last.

Oh, get away, man. You've got to trust the stuff.

What are you hiding in there, eh?

Nothing. Don't you start.

Look, I tell you what, we'll make a deal with you, right? You cough up whatever

it is you're hiding, me and Neville, we'll come back and see you again, there

you are.

You're as bad as them boogers out there.

How are you heading, man?

We can bring you fruit or books or whatever you need.

I need some slivers.

And some soap. Right, you've got them.

Go ahead, cough it up, whatever it is.

You trying to kill yourself, Hedley?

Aye.

We look all right at night, don't we? You know, in timidly bars and that.

Yeah, well, you know, I mean, we buy fairly attractive men, Mox.

They've regular feet, isn't it?

It's just in the skin states we're lacking, isn't it?

Yeah, but if the sun's raised, would that benefit you? It's in the book, Mox.

Yeah, but what I'm saying is, we'd be better off in Saudi Arabia.

Or some other equatorial crap hole instead of here.

I've got a cousin in Jeddy and I, but the rise ain't very strict, is it?

Hey, we could get a sun lamp.

You know, go to one of them places, do another massage.

Not an handjob dive.

Somewhere legit. You know, with a receptionist and magazines and that.

I'll have a look in the book, see what it says about artificial sunlight.

Give us another one here, Harold.

Yeah.

Do you want a refill there, Moxie?

Oh, cheers, guys. Yeah, great.

Give him one more, whatever that drink. Here it is.

Sunlight and artificial sunlight are both of extreme value as auxiliary

healing agents.

And, um, the auxiliary's on the lines.

It's not good, Albert.

Well, it's, um...

Well, it's good, like. It's good. It's used in conjunction with fasting,

dieting, manipulation.

Well, do you want this beer, or are you fasting?

Oh, cheers, Austin.

Et cetera, et cetera.

If I had to scratch, I'd go to one of them, Elspars.

Oh, Elspars. There's a lot of those in Germany, you know. But they're all down

in the South, like.

Elspars, is that one of them places where they duck cripplers and they can

out their chairs and walk?

Now, I think the main thing is to eliminate toxins.

Yeah, it's just the job for us, Barry.

Oh. Told him he had to wear it, though.

What, you two -skinned?

Two, isn't it?

Aye, aye, that's for certain. But, hey, listen, this could be your lucky day.

Oh, sir?

Well, I've, um... Ha, ha, yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, I've met this Eric, right?

And he's got his hands on this, uh... Well, he deals in this, uh, product.

Right? Now, my idea is, if I can raise the reddies, I'm going to buy in, ship

back to the UK, and I'm going to make a fortune.

Fortune?

Well, there's more than a round of drinks, and I can guarantee you that.

And you want us to come in with you, like? Well, you're not going to get

chance like this.

What is it?

Look.

Reckon I can have a walking cart in a couple of days.

Get back to work early.

Is that bleeding us, you folk, innit?

Mostly. You know, I reckon he should give you half his crack, don't you,

He should, Dad. Here you go, bum. Cup of tea.

Cheers, Dennis.

One of you had ploughed down the crank, didn't you?

Quite a character, really.

Oh, yeah?

Aye, he was English, but he hates the Brits.

What was he, a patient or something?

Yeah. Aye, chronic bronchitic.

And you'll never guess what he was trying to hide in his bed.

Penthouse.

26?

Untipped?

What a character!

I come over from Darlington in 1946.

Never been back since.

Well, you can't hold that against him, can you?

Where's the rest of our happy household then?

Dunno.

Suppose they've gone down the pictures or something.

This is what you must invest in.

Yeah, we'll be like importers and distributors, see?

I've never seen anything like it in my life.

I told you, didn't I? I told you it was disgusting.

It's deprived.

It's despicable.

It's grotesque.

Count me in, Oz.

I mean, what started all this off?

Staff Sergeant Hedley Irwin, treble 2 -1 -5 -7 -0 -9, sir.

Just take it easy, Hedley. It's all right, man.

Yes, that's it.

Lie back.

This one? Aye, that's it.

I was in the war, you know. Well, Army occupation.

Stayed on.

Yanks, the Ivans, and us.

Just take it easy, Hedley. It's all right.

Well, you see, when the war was over, the British, the Americans, the French

the Russians, they stayed in Germany to, like, occupy it. You know, to

administer it, like.

Well, Hedley, he was obviously in the British lot.

Non -fraternisation.

That's what they called it.

You weren't allowed to mix.

What a lot of dirty work for us.

But you weren't allowed to fraternize.

Socially.

Verboten.

She worked at command headquarters.

On the switchboard she worked.

Spoke the bloody lingo, didn't she?

So, what did you do that was so terrible then?

Well, you married her, didn't you?

Nurse!

Hey, the rules were ever so strict.

Even when our lot wanted to pick up their kids from school, they weren't

to talk to the German parents.

I think that's terrible, don't you?

Seems to be on nothing, Harry, seeing as the war was over.

Seems perfectly logical to me.

I mean, if I'd spent six years fighting the Krauts, the last thing I'd want to

do would be to fraternise with them in the local.

Aye, but the war was over, I was. Aye, precious, so comfort my son.

Precious comfort my uncle Dan, who got a leg blown up in Tripoli.

Can I see him? Why didn't they buy a round of drinks for the buggers who blew

up in the first place?

Well, the Germans suffered too.

Everybody suffered one way or another.

So what happened to old Edley then?

He married her, didn't he?

So they cashiered him, hired him out in the army.

No pension, nothing.

Hey, it's tragic when you think about it.

Your granny suffered a lot, you know.

Flattened her with a bomb on her way back from the Black Horse.

Poor Sue has only lived out for a milk stout.

It's the moral question you have to consider, Oz.

What are you talking about?

They've got these in England, you know.

All these so -called respectable middle -class suburbanites every Saturday night

stuck round a video with a couple of loggers in line, group sex.

It's no wonder much of the day's kaput.

But if they've already got them back home, where's our market?

Well, I haven't got them like the ones you saw, man. They've got porn. Fair

enough. but not heavy -duty porn like The Crouch Turnout.

I mean, I know people back home, sales managers, even Lord May, that would pay

well over the odds for what we've got our hands on. I'm telling you, right up

there, Strausser.

I must admit, after what I'd seen, you'd be hard -pressed to pick up anything

like that in the car up in Dudley High Street.

What? You're telling me? Listen, man, what we've got our hands on here is the

creme de la creme of filth, you know.

And this could just be the start. I mean, we could become...

Well, Lee, that's in my field.

Before we enter into anything of this... Mr.

Magnature? Mr. Magnature, you're right.

Perhaps we should have another look.

No.

So,

they get better, right?

Worse, you mean.

Worse is better, man, for our needs.

I did it.

Well made, like. Oh, but of course. There's good photographing, attractive

people. It's a very good story.

Good story's important to me.

That's what you can get in England, you see. A good story line with plenty of

humping. Oh, right.

Is this your sole line of business, like?

Oh, no, no. There's also the books and the, what do you call it, mail order.

And then, of course, I have such clubs like this for massage, sauna, sun lamp.

Did you say sun lamp?

Oh, the gems.

If we are to be in business, then you must feel free to take advantage of the

premises.

Oh, you've got the dones on, look.

Mustn't be too good.

Aye.

Oh, it's a rock to be old, isn't it?

To be old and thick and on your own.

Aye, it must be, aye.

See them back home and all, don't you?

Queuing up pension day.

Outside the post office.

Hunched up against that cold wind.

Sitting in front of a one -bar gas fire with a tin of pet food.

Oh, knock it off, man, Neville.

Well? Well, there's no need to be so bloody maudlin.

Hey, I'm ten years nearer Pension Day than you, remember?

I'll see you all right, then.

You come over as soon as Brenda'll do your leg alarm.

Hello, you come again?

Yeah.

Is he not too good?

No, not today.

Oh, well, could you just give him these three oranges and tell him what popped

in? No, no, you see him, it will be good for him. Just a little time, yes?

Look, your friends are here.

Oh, really?

Just a few minutes, yes?

Ah, still here.

Of course you're still here. Where do you think you were going to, like?

You may well ask.

What's the sun, Haley?

You've been going through your things again, have you?

I'd like to put me in bed in order.

What's this?

Leave that bugger alone. I've got nothing to do with you.

I'm sorry.

Some of the things are private, you know.

He's all right.

He's all right now.

Put that tin away.

Ever been to Dio's?

Eh? Before the war, he had a farm.

Who? An uncle, an uncle.

Before the war, we went by train.

He called us townies.

Went to the same cows, off fields.

Was it your sister and you?

She was there.

Me mum, my dad.

No one got drunk.

My dad took his belt off.

He couldn't sit down.

He wanted to cry, but he wouldn't. Nor a friend of us.

Nor a friend of the humans.

Norman must have been his big brother, eh? Could have been, eh?

So you had some happy times, Hedley, eh?

Yeah, but God be it.

The God be it, eh?

Aye, he's okay, aye. He'd turn blue if he was bad, never.

You know how I'm going to look after him, don't you, Dan?

Oh, you'll look after me when I get in love, won't you, Nev? Promise.

You're the one to find out.

I'm not walking too fast for you, am I, Grandad?

Eh, where are we going to... Put the videos, you know, but how do you keep

like? Well, just keep them in the hood.

That's a bit dodgy, these videos.

No, no, it's not that many. They'll be all right, man.

I believe to, you know, when we expand.

Well, we'll just rent a warehouse.

Here you go, bum.

Have a bit of that.

Hey, you're looking dead for a day in care, eh?

Well, you'd better put a wound on your loss.

Hey,

hey, hey.

What have you three been up to, eh? You've been in that closet for hours.

Nothing. Yeah.

Nathan, come to the lab, I'm up.

Oh, I'd rather be on the site making crack.

Ah, well, at least you're coming, you know.

We'd better get a shift done then, eh?

Ah, better get a shift done.

Yeah, right.

I'll just get an anky, Royce.

Ah, ta -ra, ta -ra, Bob.

Ta -ra, Bob.

Ta -ra.

Let me in, Lord.

Here, my cousin's getting married.

Yeah? Yeah.

Blimey, it's on Saturday. Yeah, what's the panic?

Think she's in the club, eh?

Will you go up?

I suppose so.

Be a good knees up, you know.

Knowing Keith's dead, he'll pull out all the stuff, see?

If he's out of Maidstone, like.

Now,

I ought to go. I owe it to Yankee. See, he sort of looks up to me, you know.

I mean, in our family, I'm like a hero figure to him, Nev. What?

You ain't seen the rest of our family, have you?

Hey, Oz.

What?

There's, uh, something's been bothering us, you know.

What's that?

The videos.

Oh, yeah? How are we going to get them back to the UK?

Well, just take them back ourselves in my kit when we go back.

Oh, hey, a bit bloody chancy, that.

I mean, what we're doing's illegal.

We don't have an import licence.

Especially don't have an import licence for depraved filth. Look, man, we'll

risk it, man, don't we? I mean, the profit makes the risk worthwhile,

it? They always turn us lots over at customs, especially you with an earring.

I'll just take it out.

No, we're still baits, us, love.

Overseas workers, we always are.

Well, what about Barry? He can take them in. Barry?

Barry? Oh, he's smuggling.

He'll faint if they so much as look at him.

Ah, it bears thinking about, eh?

I mean, they've only got to ask him his date of birth and he'll confess to law.

OK, Bob.

We'll shoot off and see, er, Penny. Yeah, we'll check with you later. OK,

Right, lads, I'll put myself in the capable hands of this young Fraulein.

Aye, who wouldn't, eh? I'll feed it in.

Feed it in.

Oh,

you come again?

Yeah.

Have you moved him?

I'm sorry he's died.

Really?

It was expected.

But he was only here yesterday.

Of course.

Yeah, Neville, I mean... One minute. Like the sister says, you know, it was

the best it was expected.

He has no famine in Germany since his wife's death.

Yeah, yeah.

So perhaps you wish to take these.

Oh.

Okay, then, thanks.

He was looking at these before he... Just the last thing he was hoarding.

Really?

I can't believe it.

Aye.

Shakes you up a bit, son, doesn't it?

I've never experienced death before, not for a time.

I mean, Dad died when I was just a nipper.

A few relatives I hardly knew.

There we are.

We barely knew him, I mean, did we?

Oh, we were getting to know him, though, weren't we?

And then, next day, just like that.

You see, Neville, I mean, you're a young lad, you know? I mean, you go to

christenings and weddings.

You know, once you start getting a bit older, you get used to going to

you know?

What's those?

Some old postcards.

Lake District.

Vale of Evesham.

You know, despite what the old bugger said, I reckon he missed England after

all, you know.

Where will he be buried, Dennis?

Well, here, I suppose. I mean, he didn't have anybody else, did he?

He had a sister.

So what?

I think he'd have wanted to go back home.

No, no, no. No.

Look, all right, everybody.

Look, I'll be really obliged, right, if nobody laughs.

Laughs at what?

Your face.

I can't guarantee that. No, listen, this is serious.

Well, come inside and shut the door, will you? All right, I will, I will, but

listen, as long as it's strictly understood, right? All right, all right,

right.

I'm talking about you or something.

Somebody mocks his foot.

What did you do, Moxie? Darling, we went to this club, you know.

I have a sauna and a massage parlour and one of them sunlamps, you know, for out

there people. Right, so what goes under the sunlamp, right? Goes under the

sunlamp and he promises to wake me up. You all have forgotten me.

I'm sorry.

I got involved in a film and I forgot.

It'll wear off in time, Barry.

Probably end up with a great turn.

No, I won't. Because I peel, I don't. You just make sure you peel over in your

bed space, son.

Look, it's not funny, right?

It's very painful.

What's all that?

Oh, good old Hedley.

Oh, how is he?

He, er, he died today.

Oh.

Poor old son.

Old lifetime and a biscuit, Sid.

I'll buy him out of more than that.

Look, lads, now that you're all here, there's something that Neville and I

wanted to talk over with you.

Oh, what's that?

Well, you see, the thing is, we reckon the old fellow would have wanted to have

gone home.

I thought he hated Blighty.

Well, he said he did, Bomber, but, you see, the last things he was looking at

was... photographs of england all right and last time we've seen him he was

getting very sentimental like yeah now i know the rest of you didn't know the

old bloke and you're not beholden or anything like that but well you see the

thing is we just don't fancy the idea of being better here i must really cut you

know to send the body back well i don't know yet uh you see we were all waiting

on you you know to see how you felt in principle but i've been under the

hospital authorities and they're waiting on us sounds fair enough what family's

he got Well, we've got the address of your sister.

Oh, we'll give her a bell then, eh?

Oh, we'll trade that.

She's not on the phone.

We'll send a telegram then. Well, that doesn't seem advisable, Boris. See, I

mean, she can't be any spring chicken herself.

I mean, you know, if she gets bad news like this, I mean, the shock could kill

her. Anyway, see, the point is she only lives in Hemel Hempstead.

And we thought if you're going back for the weekend, we would.

Ah, do me a favour, lad. Oh, how are you, man? It's only a short train ride

London. Yeah.

Drop in, just break the news gently to her, maybe give her a thing. Aye, I

if she's flush, she'd probably pay the expense. I'm sorry, but if not, I mean,

we can all chip in, can't we? No, no, I said I'm sorry. I'm going back for the

wedding, right?

OK, I've got the whole weekend mapped out.

I'm going to buy me some clothes, get myself strapped, and go and get drunk

the lads.

Well, what a despicable attitude, eh?

I hope you'll never die abroad, London.

Here, hang about.

Yeah? You never knew him, Oz. Well, he was a Brit, wasn't he?

I mean, if us Brits kind of stick together in a foreign land, who can, eh?

I mean, I think this man deserves to be laid to rest on his native soil, eh?

Eh, well, if you feel that strongly about it... Well, it's the only decent

to do, man, isn't it?

All right?

All right, all right. Great.

I just hope God puts this in my plus column when I snuff it, mate.

You can do the few credits, boyo.

It's the only decent thing to do, isn't it?

It's nothing. It can do the same to me, something. Well, not for a while, I

hope.

Wonder's never this.

Are you, er, Catholic, or?

Not that I know of, what for?

Well, I mean, you must be some sort of Christian.

I never knew you had such depth of conviction.

This old man, he was a relative of one of you? No.

He was perhaps a close friend of one of you? Not really.

But you wish to go to the expense, to send the body to be buried in England?

Oh, yes, well, you see here, there's a principle involved here. Yeah, we

you might know the procedure like.

Are you feeling all right?

All right, thanks.

Can you help us out here, Herr Ulrich?

An Irishman has died here before two years.

I remember his friends made a collection.

How do you say? A whip -it -out.

A whip -it -round.

A whip -it -round, ja. A whip -it -round.

On this occasion, I helped with the authorities.

With the German law, when a body is sent out of the country, it must first be

embalmed.

Embalmed? Yeah.

Oh, it makes sense, that does, doesn't it?

So it's a question of hygiene, sanitation.

I know that because... The body must then be placed in a metal container.

must be sealed before the British consulate.

What? To see that the container has only the body inside it.

In case of smuggling?

Of course.

But that's my coffin, it's perfect.

Many have tried to hide guns and rifles.

Yeah, I can see your point of your shipping parties back to Belfast. Shut

Lord. Well, he's only gone as far as Hemel Hempstead.

Well, the law is the law.

Is this going to be very expensive, Earl Ray?

For to England by air, at least 5 ,000 marks, I think. And then you must pay

the coffin, too.

But in this metal container?

Oh, come on now, Mum, we can't send them back in that. What will these people

think? They're getting a tin of sardines.

Look, Earl Ray, could you look into it and find out, let us know what it is

like? Yeah, I will try.

You are sure you are feeling well?

Oh, Roger's right.

You are very red.

Blood pressure, perhaps.

You must be careful.

If not, you too are going home in a metal box.

Well, which is it all going to cost?

It's going to cost a load of money, Nev.

Well, I can't see Hadley's sister being very well off. Not that she can't even

afford a telephone. Oh, yeah, Nev, we're not the only Brits on the seat. I mean,

the Paddy's can have a work -around show, can't we?

742 marks.

742. Right, at today's rate, as quoted in the Daily Mail, that comes

to... £197 .34042

approximately.

It's, er, 283 quid. Yeah, not forgetting the 0 .34042.

Well, you didn't meet everyone, Captain.

Well, that was down to Oz, mostly.

You know, he went right across town to that multi -storey car park. Put the

squeeze on all the British lads there.

Where is he now?

Well, he's only down at Timber Store, isn't he? He's got Barry and Moxie

for all their worth.

Hey, that is me, Frankie. I mean, Oz, of all people.

Hey, I've said some very harsh things about him in the past. Well, you all

It just shows you how mistaken you can be about somebody.

Isn't it a great idea?

Are you sure this will work, mate?

Of course it'll work to go on a journey, man.

Hey, I must keep on the chippy. Never mind what I bung the chippy. Just keep

eye out there, man. I don't know a bit bad about it, you know.

It just feels wrong somehow.

We'll have to admit to grave misgiving.

Oh, laddie.

It's all right.

I don't know what he means, though.

I mean,

all the cash is tied up in this, in case you forgot.

I mean, we didn't get this guy on sale or return, you know. Yeah, he's right

there, Barry.

We've got to see it through now.

Right. Oh.

I've only got room for one more.

What's it going to be then?

Convent Night or the Wicked Ways of Wonder? Oh, Wicked, what was it? Convent

Night.

I can't.

All I need is that for that captain. They don't think you're regular. They're

down on me like a ton of paint. Look, look, man, there's going to be nothing

irregular about it, man. It's all legal and above board, man. The British consul

himself is going to be there. He's going to give it a proper stamp.

There's going to be paperwork, documentation.

Look, all you've got to do is to find a little bit of room in the back of your

wagon. I don't know. The company wouldn't like it.

What are you doing?

You don't have to tell the company, man.

I mean, look, I'm going to meet you in London.

I'll take over everything from there. I'll handle everything.

And I've bonged you 50 quid for your expenses.

Well, maybe you can guarantee I won't get delayed. Of course, sir, on this

time is money. You know,

I mean, it would have meant a lot to the old fella to be planted on British

soil.

I mean, it cost me, it was crippling, you know.

75.

You're all right, aren't you? Ah, small -legged Bernie.

Here, two bottles you had at Ulf. Well, I can't understand why anybody would

want to come here for an holiday in the first place.

Ah, well, he always went his own way, you know. Did me grander.

Let me see if I've got this straight right here. Your mate Bernie, he's

to take this coffin all the way to London for nothing?

Well, I never said for nothing.

I had to buy him 100 quid. But I'll get that back out the whip round money.

Well, where did he pick it up from?

The undertakers? See, all it means is, a couple of yous will have to take the

coffin down there, and then he'll stick the body in it, and then you'll have to

pay him, right? Well, there should be enough money left out of the whip room

that. And then he made Bernie say he'll pick it up about four o 'clock.

What does Bernie do when he gets to London?

Somehow the body's got to end up in Emma Hempstead. Don't give me none of your

Emma Hempstead, son.

I'm leaving tonight, OK? I'm perfectly prepared to whip round there tomorrow

lunchtime, but Saturday's the day of the wedding.

Well, I may be able to help out there, lads.

OK. Well, it just so happens I've got to go back this weekend.

What's up, like?

It's me grandad.

Death door.

Marjorie wrote, you know, told us.

You never mentioned this before?

No, well, it was a bit personal, you know, Dennis.

Anyway, he's in this London hospital and he's been asking for it.

What's he doing down in London? He was on his holidays and took queer,

apparently, so I thought, well, at least that could do us go over, you know.

Kill two birds with one stone, you mean?

Well, I hope not, bummer.

Oh, hey, Oz, I don't know what to say. No, no, it's nothing, man.

We ain't going to go up there tomorrow, see the old girl, tell her she hasn't

got a thing to worry about, she'll have her long -lost brother back with her on

Saturday. Signed, filled and delivered, so to speak, eh?

You go to lift bother for a bloke you don't even know.

I think that's great, actually. Why don't you go back with Wayne tonight?

No, I don't know that day's work, Dennis. You know, I'll go back tomorrow.

Hey, Wayne.

Maybe we can come back together, though. Can't you?

Oh,

well, I suppose so, yeah. Well, look, you've got my phone number, haven't you?

Aye. Yeah, well, give us a bell then. Right, will do. Cheers.

Well, I'll be off then, lads.

Good luck tomorrow, Wayne.

Aye, break the news to her gently, son. Know what I mean? Well, you know me,

mate. I'm the sole attack tonight.

Yeah. All those with brothers still alive in Germany, one pace forward.

Not so fast, Mrs Hilton. See you later.

Adios.

I'm sorry, Mark.

It's old Enterprise.

He's already tipped me back quite a bit, all right.

And now Oz wants us to chip in for his bloody outfit.

And why can't he get you right with his mate Bernie?

Oh, don't be so tough, Barry. Oz can't do that.

Cos he knows what's in the coffin.

It's the first rule of smuggling, da.

You always get someone to take the stuff through. It's only when they've got it.

Oh, say.

That never occurred to me, that wouldn't.

Oh, well, you have led a very sheltered life, haven't you?

You're going to leave me very sheltered this month, you know.

Master, my wad goes directly back to my golden nigger, can't it?

Look, look, look, man, Barry, man, look.

I'm going to be back on Sunday. You'll get all your money back then, man, with

interest. Hey, can you get rid of them that quick?

Yeah, well, I know this bloke up in the north... I know, not a bloke, see who it

was.

Look, man, Barry, come on.

We're all set, man.

Excuse me?

Yes?

Is this the owner, Mrs. Mabel Hilton?

Yes. You must be Mr. Hilton then?

Yes. It'll come round here.

Is this about the estimate for the roof?

You what?

No. Oh.

Well, we've waited long enough for it. He was supposed to come last Tuesday and

he never turned up.

And Mabel stayed in all day.

Missed the shops.

Is Mabel in?

She's at the Lord Rett.

Who are you, then?

My name's Wayne, but I'm afraid I brought you and your good lady wife some

rather unpleasant news.

It is about that blooming roof. No, no, it's not.

It's about Mabel's brother, Hedley.

Hedley? What about him?

I'm afraid he's died, sir.

I thought he died years ago.

Oh, it's bloody heavy, this. It is bloody heavy. I know, I know.

Hide your finger. That's all right, that's all right. Just get it on.

Right, look, I'm off. I'll go to the undertaker, do the paperwork, and then

off to the airport, right?

Good luck, Oz. All the best, Oz.

You know what?

I'm glad to see the back of that coffin, to tell you the truth. Oh,

it's taken weight last night, hasn't it?

Get Inspector Vincent Price to step out of his...

Here we are.

Oh, thanks, Mr. Elton.

Bob.

Call me Bob.

Oh.

No,

I never knew Hedley.

I wouldn't know him from Adam.

He was in Germany when I married Maybourne. He never came back.

She never speaks about him.

Well, I never knew him myself, Squire.

See, it was me mates what met him.

I bought this.

Some of his bits and pieces.

It's nothing of any value, you know, except sentimental.

That'll be the wife.

Put your glass onto the mat, will you? Because she doesn't like beer stains on

them, you know.

Oh, no.

Hello, love.

We've got visitors.

Oh, yes.

I'll just get me things off.

Hello, Mrs.

Elton. My name's Wayne.

He comes from Germany.

Oh, it's not about the roof, then.

He knew Hedley.

Hedley? Yeah, some of my mates met him in this hospital.

He's dead, Mabel.

Put the kettle on, dear.

Yes, of course, dear.

Look, I'm sorry.

But it was quite peaceful, like. Sit down, young man.

Right, thanks.

How did you see you knew Hedley?

Well, I didn't. Not directly, you see. Me mates did.

Apparently, he was quite a character from all accounts.

Anyhow, just before he passed on, like, he was showing the lads these things,

you know, photos and that.

That's how we got your address.

And, well...

Me and me mates, we thought he'd like to be buried here in England.

But if he's died in Germany, he should be buried in Germany, shouldn't he?

Eh? But he's your brother, isn't he?

That, young man, is my misfortune.

Headley was a wicked, wicked man.

He left a wife here in 1943, met up with some German girl, and poor Nora's

never heard a word since. Not had a penny neither.

He always was a wrong 'un. And I don't expect time's made a farthing's

difference. Hold on. He got turned over by the army, didn't he? I mean,

cashiered for fraternisation.

They chucked him out, if that's what you mean. But it wasn't for fraternisation.

It was for selling 2 ,000 British Army headlamps to the Russians.

Oh, he was nothing more than bad news, our Headley.

And if you and your friends have got them, you can bloody well keep them.

No, no, of course you did the right thing, Wayne, yeah, in the

Well, especially if she feels like that about it.

Now, I'll phone the undertaker.

It'll not have left yet.

Poor old Hadley, yeah? Poor old Hadley. You're joking, aren't you?

Right little rat.

Yeah, he made a fool of us, didn't he?

We must have called a lot more over the years.

The little weird stuff, Bummer.

It wasn't that shared, you know.

Port Martians, man.

I still think it's a shame, especially after all the work we've put in.

Especially yours.

Hey, yours will be at the airport. I'll have to get up from one. Oh, hey, hi.

Wait a minute, then.

Uncle Bummer might be a bit on the slow side, but he's been giving us a lot of

thought these last few days.

What, you getting us?

You have some scheme in mind about selling pornographic videos?

Oh, no videos.

Adult. Live at the Giver Fence.

He knows that because I saw him in his locker.

Yeah, so what?

Well, I know they're not there now because I looked.

And I don't want you to think I've been vindictive just because he mangled my

foot.

But they're gone.

And so's the coffin.

Coffin. Oh, hey, I cannot believe that, bummer. Can't you never, there?

Big hearted horse all of a sudden. Sick grandad's in London.

Makes sense to me.

Well, let's look at it this way.

If he's really got a sick grandfather, then his trip's worth while.

If he's been having us armed, he deserves everything he gets.

I'm in, buddy!

Get in!

Right on, St.

Bernie. No bother with the customs?

No, no, not at all.

Just one snaggles.

I don't know all the details, but it was a last -minute change of plan

What are you doing here? Never mind, not what's happened to Hedley. Didn't want

to know, mate. Hated the sight of him. But it's all right, I've run the legs.

So what's happened to the body?

Don't worry, it's been cremated.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

No.

You know, I never thought you'd take it that badly, son.

Walking on the side from morning until night.

That's living all right.

That's living all right. Then a pint with the boys and a bop of the noise.

That's living all right. That's living all right. Working all day, phone pins

pay. They blow it all on Saturday night.

You kiss the dames, but you don't ask their names. That's living all right.

Working in the sun, picking shops up and fun.

That's living all right.