Original subtitles

Previously on Two and a Half Men...

I almost died, Alan.

But the important thing is you didn'’t.

Other than you guys and my mom, I got nobody.

At least you got Jake. I want to have a kid of my own.

There'’s no way you'’re getting a baby-- you'’re a single guy,

and the system is really geared towards married couples.

Alan Harper, will you marry me?

I now pronounce you married.

You may kiss.

♪ Men.♪

Um, yes, this is Walden Schmidt.

I'’d like to order a credit card for my husband,

Mr. Alan Harper-Schmidt.

Uh, yeah, and, uh, refresh my memory.

What'’s the cash advance limit on my black card?

Holy new Rolex.

Oh, oh, m-my mother'’s maiden name?

Uh, I didn'’t really know her before she was married, so...

Morning.

Um, uh, I'’ll call back later.

Charities.

It'’s not like the kids won'’t still be starving in an hour.

Um...

Hey, I was meaning to ask you something.

Um, what'’s your mother'’s maiden name?

This might be easier if I just give you my online password.Oh.

It'’s "Don'’t order credit cards in my name."

Right, uh, all one word, no spaces?

Hey, there'’s the newlyweds.

I made you some honeymoon pancakes.

Aw...

They'’re in the shapes of hearts and arrows.

Oh, actually, they'’re asses and...

Uh, sure-- hearts and arrows.

[laughs]

Alan, my arrow'’s twice as big as yours.

Mine'’s life-size.

I'’m still gonna be hungry.

I just realized, Walden,

that I worked for you when you were single.

And now you'’re married.

Maybe someday I'’ll be working for you when you'’re a widower.

Bacon, Zippy?

So, how'’s the adoption process going?

Is somebody other than Alan calling you "Daddy"?

It'’s going great.

We have a meeting with the social services department

this week.

Nice.

So, if you do get a kid, which room is he gonna live in?

Oh, guys, I'’m kind of a drunken slut,

I don'’t think I should share a room with a baby.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪ Men. ♪ Men.

♪ Men.♪

Hey, what ya doing?

Oh, paperwork for our meeting with the social worker.

Um, household net worth.

Well, let'’s see, uh, you'’re worth a billion dollars,

so together we are worth...

A little bit less than a billion dollars.

Hey, so Evelyn said it'’s cool if I crash at her place.

What, wait-- it was that easy?

My mom never lets me stay there.

Yeah, she'’s gonna let me live in the guest house.

There'’s a guest house?!

If-if you need, uh, help moving, let us know.

Thanks, but Evelyn said I could borrow the Range Rover.

There'’s a Range Rover?!

Oh, hey, uh, what should I put down for, uh...

"Why do you want to adopt a child?"

Hmm.

'’Cause we'’re dudes,

and we don'’t have baby holes?

[laughing]

You know you have to sell yourself

as a real couple, right?

We are a real couple.

That'’s why we got married in the first place.

Yeah, it also gave us the chance to register at Crate & Barrel

for this fabulous stemware.

[chimes]Ding.

See, you'’re making jokes instead

of expressing real emotion.

You'’re gonna have to prove that you'’re a real couple, you know?

That you'’re in love, that you'’re soul mates,

that you can'’t survive without the other.

I actually can'’t survive without him.

I am just saying,

I don'’t want to see you

put all this work in and not get

the payoff you deserve.

It'’s like when you get "the tap."

Get the what?The tap.

You know, when you'’re in bed with a girl,

and you'’ve been down there for a while,

and suddenly she gives you the old "Thanks for trying" tap

on the top of the head.

Ah...

Oh, yeah, the tap, yeah.

I hate the tap. Mm.

You know, I am sure that we can be believable

as a loving couple.

You want to see believable? This... [stammers]

Watch.

Alan,

I love you.

And I love you, Walden.

[laughing]

I'’m sorry.

You have this one nose hair that keeps going in and out.Oh.

And I laughed because no one could possibly love me.

♪ Men.♪

Guess what I just finished.

Once again, you don'’t have to tell me

every time you masturbate.

I will not apologize for sharing my day with you.

But that is not this.

It is my essay describing

what I love about my spouse

for our meeting with the social worker.

Ah, good, I'’m so nervous about this meeting.

I'’m somehow constipated and wracked with explosive diarrhea.

You'’re not the only one who can share his day.

Well, after she reads this,

there'’s no way she won'’t believe we'’re a couple.

Okay, uh, "Walden is the most caring person I know.

He always puts my needs before his own."

Uh, "Whether it'’s surprising me

"with an espresso and a chocolate croissant in bed,

"glamping in a yurt at Big Sur,

"or sneaking up behind me in the shower with a loofah

to exfoliate those hard-to-reach places..."

"...he'’s my everything--

my husband, my lover, my friend."

"My Wally Bear."

My God.

I know.

Now read me yours.

Okay, um...

"Alan is my best friend."

Loving it!

"He'’s 47 years old.

"He used to be a chiropractor.

"He has never been convicted of a felony.

And his favorite meal is swordfish."

Are you kidding me?

That'’swhat you love about me?

That I'’ve never been convictedof a felony?

I told you it'’s a work in progress.

What do you want me to say?

He masturbates with impressive frequency?

At least that would show you'’re paying attention.

[doorbell rings]And, by the way--

my favorite meal is red snapper.

Hi, Alan.

Walden.

Lyndsey, what'’s, uh, what'’s going on?

I-I thought you were in rehab.

I was, I-I got out a couple days ago.

Oh, well, that'’s great. C-Come on it.

How'’d it go?It was the hardest thing I'’ve ever done in my life.

But-but on the plus side,

it was right up the street here in Malibu,

so ocean views, spa, chef,

it was like a five-star hotel.

Except they take your shoelaces.

Well, I'’m sure you two have a lot to talk about.

So, I'’m just gonna go in the kitchen

and pretend I'’m not listening.

Um, so, Lyndsey, I-I'’m so proud of you.

Uh, how are you doing?

I'’m good.

Um, I-I just got my 60-day chip. Oh.

And part of my recovery is to make amends

to the people I'’ve hurt.

So, I apologize for everything

I did to you while I was drinking.

Oh, well, I appreciate that, um,

but some of the things you did to me,

you don'’t have to apologize for.

I mean, we had sex in a Chipotle.

I ate my burrito, you ate my burrito.

I ate your taco.

And I later threw up in your car.

Yes, uh, but chunks weren'’t the only thing you blew that day.

Um, there is one other thing.

If-if I haven'’t burned too many bridges,

I was wondering if maybe you and I could give it another try.

Oh, wow.

Wow, that-that is flattering.

Um, it'’s just...

[sighs] You'’re seeing somebody else.

Uh, kind of, um...

Uh, uh, I'’m...

You'’re married?!

That doesn'’t make any sense.

Who is she?

Uh...

Uh, she is-is actually, uh, a "he."

Um...

It'’s... it'’s Walden.

Oh, my God.

Walden'’s gay?!

♪ Men.♪

So, I guess what I'’m interested in is

how you two got together.

Uh, well, w-we met at the dog park.

His Labradoodle sniffed my shih tzu.

I remember when I proposed.

I-I got down on one knee,

and I looked up into his beautiful...

...blue eyes,

and I asked him to share his life with me.

I guess what I'’m getting at is the fact

that you'’ve both been married to women before.

So, when did you realize you were gay?

Oh, well, on some level, I'’ve always known. Um...

I mean, throughout, uh, both of my marriages,

I was in complete denial.

Um, but after I met Walden,

I finally felt safe to-to be myself.

Uh, I remember our first date.

Uh, we went to the Bowl to see the Greasesing-along.

Ah, "Tell me more, tell me more."

Well, uh, Walden was dressed as Danny Zuko,

uh, and I was Sandy--

uh, hot Sandy, you know, in the leather.

No, no, no, I was doing the song, you know--

♪ Tell me more, tell me more... ♪

Oh, my God!

Did I miss a show tune cue?!

[laughs]

Somebody take away my gay card.

And how about you, Walden?

When did you know you were gay?

I guess my first clue was when I saw Basic Instinct.

All my friends were looking up Sharon Stone'’s skirt,

and I was just looking at her shoes.

And I guess I got married because of social pressures,

but, eventually, I had to be true to who I am.

And I'’ve never looked back since.

Unless I'’m behind him.

[both laughing nervously]

[laughing nervously]: That'’s a good one.

Ah...

You two are an interesting couple.

Yeah, I see hundreds of potential parents,

but you two are different somehow.

I'’m not sure what it is.

Well, uh, maybe it'’s the fact

that I-I look like I'’m wearing makeup, but I'’m not.

Y-You know, we may not be like other couples, but...

I know we can be good parents.

I get that, but it is my job

to be a hundred percent sure before I place a child.

No, n-no, look, look...

I-I know we can provide unconditional love to a child,

a-and w-we can create a safe, secure environment, and...

What do people that get kids say?

How about this--

how about I come out to your house?

We normally do a site visit anyway.

This way I could get to know you guys a little better.

Yeah, great, yeah, why don'’t you come on over,

and you'’ll see that we'’re j-just a normal loving couple.

Right, sweetie?

That-that'’s right, Wally Bear.

I love this guy.

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪

Hey.

Oh, flowers. Nice touch.

Gives the house a homey feel.

They'’re for you.

Really?

I'’m, uh, actually a lily man.

Uh, but they'’re very nice.

Alan, listen.

Jenny was right.

We are not believable as a loving couple,

and I think that'’s why Miss McMartin wasn'’t sure about us.

Now, this has to be real.

And that includes--

being comfortable with physical affection.

Like this.

Come on.

Loosen up.

I-I'’m loose, it just feels a little forced, that'’s all.

Okay, well, let it be natural.

Just snuggle into these broad shoulders.

I do feel safe.

Damn right, you do.

You'’re with your Wally Bear.

Now, look into my eyes.

Like this?

Yeah, exactly.

And don'’t look away.

We love each other.

You'’re at home.

Oh, I just noticed a little green fleck in your right eye.

It'’s like a-a downy patch of moss

on the trunk of a majestic oak.

[whispering]: Thank you.

Sometimes I worry that I'’m not good-looking enough for you.

Come on.

You'’re perfect just the way you are.

My Alley Cat.

A nickname.

Sometimes...

I worry that you don'’t know how much you mean to me.

I want to be your everything.

All right, yeah!

That was convincing.

We do that in front of Miss McMartin,

we'’ll get ten babies.

Yeah, yeah.

That was good enough to fool just about anyone.

[chuckles nervously]

[sighs]

♪ Men.♪

So, this is our kitchen.

We love to cook together.

Uh, correction, I love to cook,

he loves to eat.

See? This is what I wanted to see.

The two of you just being yourselves.

Happy, relaxed.

[doorbell rings]Oh, I'’ll get that.

If you really want to see us relaxed

you should come by for brunch someday.

The Mary'’s are bloody and the Lorraine'’s are quiche.

Oh, I can see why you fell in love with him.

Really?

What did you see exactly?

Alan!

Lyndsey?

Um, have you been drinking?

Uh, ding-ding-ding, we have a wiener...

Whoa, whoa, okay, okay, shh!

W-What are you doing here?

Well, you said you and Walden

are just getting married to get a kid.

So, there'’s no reason you can'’t have sex with me on the side.

You know, the "DL."

That means "Do Lyndsey."

Okay, okay, okay, this is not a good time.

Uh, the-the social worker'’s here.

Oh, that'’s great!

I can help you guys.

I can tell her that you'’ll be good parents.

And I know because I'’m a g... Oh.

...mother.

Okay, um...

maybe-maybe we should go to my room a-and talk.

I won'’t be able to talk much, '’cause my mouth will be full.

Wink, wink.

[giggles]Hopefully with breath mints.

You wait in here and I will call a cab to take you home.

My home is in your pants.

What happened? Why did you start drinking again?

Well, '’cause you married Walden.

The only person in your life who'’s prettier than me.

But you know we'’re just doing that to get a kid.

Yeah, but if I wasn'’t so screwed up last year,

then we would still be together.

Then we could get married and have a baby. [gasps]

We could sell that baby to Walden.

'’Cause let'’s face it,

we don'’t want to raise another kid,

'’cause both our kids suck.

Okay, uh, refreshing, drunk honesty aside,

um, d-don'’t blame yourself.

We all made mistakes.

But we shouldn'’t let those mistakes ruin things for Walden.

Shh. You talk too much.

Let'’s party.

Lyndsey? Lyndsey?

[groans]

Wow, a half-naked drunk girl is in my bed and I'’m leaving.

Maybe I am gay.

I like to imagine the family gathered here,

eating an all-organic, gluten-free meal

of quinoa salad and kale chips

while watching the original reality TV:

a beautiful ocean sunset.

As long as this is a stable environment for a child,

I don'’t care if you'’re eating Hot Pockets

and watching Honey Boo Boo.

Uh, uh, Wally Bear, uh, can I borrow you for a minute?

Is it an emergency, Alley Cat?

Uh, it'’s more of a-a pickle, uh, that needs immediate attention.

Oh, it'’s okay. Go.

Yeah, I would never come between a man and his husband'’s pickle.

Lyndsey'’s here. She'’s drunk.

Why?

She wants to have sex with me.

Why?

Wait... Where is she?

She'’s passed out in my room.

Okay, okay, we-we need to get Ms. McMartin

out of here as fast as we can.

Right, right. Oh, um, by the way, when Lyndsey

tried to kiss me, I was totally into it.

I don'’t know why I was worried.

Worried about what?

Nothing. Let'’s get her out of here.

Mm. Everything okay?

Yes, we just had to reset the...

The, um... [mumbles]: ...flaven on the stave.

But, uh, everything'’s

okay now. Uh, c-can I get you anything?

Like directions for your drive home, or...

You know, I actually do have to get going.

I did not realize it was this late.What?

No.Oh.

I'’m so disappointed.Oh.

I'’ll just get your things and walk you out.

Oh. There we go.[chuckles]

I got to say, you look at that view

and you never want to leave.

And yet you must.

Unless you want to adopt me.

[chuckles] You'’re so funny. Here'’s your jacket.

WALDEN: Oh, my God.

What?Uh...

This jacket, it'’s-it'’s fantastic.

What is this, wool?I think so, yeah.

Really? Because I... I would'’ve thought it was linen.

Doesn'’t it feel "linen-sy", Alan?

No, it'’s definitely wool.

Holy crap.What?

Uh... I forgot to flip the cushions

on the deck furniture.

Imagine the mildew.

Alan.

Milady.

Here we go, almost got it.

If you could just stay still...

Yeah... Oh.

Uh, all right, that'’s it. That wasn'’t so hard, was it?

Actually, it was a lot harder than it needed to be, but...

That'’s what he said.[both chuckle]

Uh, well...Oh, your purse.

Well, thank you, guys.

Uh, you'’ll be hearing from me soon.

Got it. Bye.

Oh, my God.

Is Lyndsey okay?Oh, sure.

She'’s practically indestructible when she'’s drunk.

I'’ve seen her fall down a flight of stairs

and not spill her mojito.

[knocking]

I'’m so sorry, I forgot my phone.

Oh. Here it is, right here on the table. Hey.Oh, hey. Ho!

[laughs] Got it. And get the hell out of here.

Oh, one last thing. Um, I'’m not supposed to say anything,

but unless something crazy happens,

you'’re gonna get approved.

Seriously?

Get out of here.

Seriously.

I'’m here to help with the baby.

Seriously?

Who is this?

Uh, uh, she is...

Oh, you know what, this happens all the time.

Tourists get an out-of-date map to celebrity homes.

Honey, Charlie Sheen doesn'’t live here anymore.

JENNY: Lyndsey?

Hi.

And who is this?

I fell down in the sand.

This is...

I'’m the next-door neighbor. Hi.

Uh, we were having a get-together

and this one got away.

Our next-door neighbor.That... Oh, that'’s right,

I remember you

from the Fourth of July block party.

Yeah... Oh, which, by the way, is amazing for kids.

A waterslide, shaved ice.

My waterslide'’s shaved.

Okay, time to go home.

And, um, you know what?

These guys are great. Ask anyone on our block.

We'’re all pulling for them to get a kid.

Thank you.You'’re very sweet.

Okay, here we go.

No, where are you taking me?

To get a drink.

Aw, you'’re my best friend.

Boy. Glad I never gave her a baby.

You and me both.

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪ Hey.

Alan, what is the one thing

you'’ve never gotten from your mother?

Uh, let'’s see, uh, love, respect,

a home-cooked meal, breast milk, um...

Okay, this is gonna take too long.

Approval.

Wait, are-are you trying to tell me

Ms. McMartin approved us to adopt?

Yeah.Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, that'’s great.

[laughs] I am really happy for you.

Thank you. I-I couldn'’t have done this without you.

And so, to say thank you, I got you a little something.

Oh, you didn'’t have to.

Oh, my God.

Tickets to the Grease sing-along at the Bowl.

You can take anyone you want.

♪ You'’re the one that I want ♪Aw!

♪ You are the one I want, ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪

Fine.

♪ We'’ll go together like... ♪ [laughs]

Oh, my God, I'’m turning into my husband.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org