Original subtitles

Previously on Two and a Half Men...I'’m dead.

You'’re in the hospital.You had a mild heart attack.

I almost died, Alan.

But the important thing is you didn'’t.

Other than you guys and my mom, I got nobody.

At least you got Jake.

I want to have a kid of my own.

You are obviously more than qualified. Thank you.

I'’d start looking at golden retriever puppies,

'’cause there'’s no way you'’re getting a baby.

You'’re a single guy, and the system

is really geared towards married couples.

Alan Harper, will you marry me?

♪ Men.♪

Wait. You seriously want to marry me?

Yes.

Alan Jerome Harper,

would you be my wi...?

Hus...?

Life buddy?

Okay, I'’m a little confused.

And not like the time I-I got that massage from that lady-boy.

Look, I want to adopt a kid,

and the quickest way for me to do that is to get married.

And if I'’m gonna settle for someone,

it might as well be you.

That'’s exactly what my first wife said.

Listen, I-I know this sounds crazy,

but you would be doing me the biggest favor of my life.

Walden, there are literally millions of women

who would marry you at the drop of a hat.

Yeah, but I wouldn'’t be half as happy

with any of them as I would be with you.

Go on.

When-when I think of the ten things I want in a wife,

you have nine of them.

You'’re my best friend, you'’re trustworthy,

you'’re loving, you'’re smart, you'’ll never leave me.

Married or not, till death do us part.

You'’re funny, you'’re understanding.

You don'’t care if I leave the toilet seat up.

I actually prefer it.

Although, the other night, I forgot it was up,

and I had a surprise splash-down.

I was like a turtle on its back.

Right there. That'’s another one.

As long as you'’re around,

I will never be the most awkward guy in the room.

So, what'’s the one thing

you want in a wife that I don'’t have?

Oh. Right, right.

I-I do not have one of those.

I barely have one of these.

I mean, how would this work exactly?

I mean, we'’re gonna pretend to be a couple?

We wouldn'’t pretend.

We'’re actually going to be a same-sex married couple.

And like most married couples, we will not have sex.

Not even on my birthday?

Sorry, sorry... flashback to the first wife.

So, so, I can have crazy, anonymous sex

with any woman I want?

No. You will still be you.

Oh.

Mr. Alan Harper-Schmidt.

Dr. Alan Schmidt.

What are you doing?

Oh, just trying to see what sounds best.

Yes, Mr. and Mr. Harper-Schmidt,

welcome back to the Four Seasons.

Your ocean front suite is ready.

Okay, cut the Schmidt.

Oh, yeah, I'’d have to put up with that Schmidt.

But you know what? I'’m gonna own it.

I don'’t give a Schmidt.

What are you saying?

I'’m saying, yes, I'’ll marry you, you big dumb Schmidt.

[laughing]

Ah.

Oh, please tell me that'’s ChapStick in your pocket.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪ Men. ♪ Men.

♪ Men.♪

[doorbell rings]

Hi, Mom. Thanks for coming over.

What is so important

that I had to leave halfway through my bikini wax?

I look like a black and white cookie.

Wow. In one fell swoop, there goes cookies and vaginas.

What'’s going on?

Is this another intervention?

For the millionth time, I do not havea drinking problem.

No, Evelyn. It'’s-it'’s a celebration.

Well, in that case,

I'’ll have a double martini and hold the vermouth.

Hello. I'’m Robin. I'’m Walden'’s mother.

Oh, how nice to finally meet you.

You have a wonderful son and amazing breasts.

Who did them?

God?

Well, he'’s still the best.

Although Dr. Schenkman runs a close second.

They are lovely.

Okay, can everyone stop talking about my mom'’s boobs? God.

Oh, my God, that'’s why I had so many friends in high school.

So, what'’s the big announcement?

Uh... Well... [chuckles]

Alan and I...

We'’re getting married!

Dude! What the hell! We agreed I was gonna say it.

Sorry, sorry. I'’m just so excited.

Uh, no offense, but can'’t you do better than Alan?

Back up. You are marrying him?

Yup.

Ow! What was that for?

For marrying Zippy.

Hey! Why are you hitting me?!

For beingZippy.

This sounds great, except for one thing.

You guys aren'’t gay.

No, we'’re not gay.

We are getting married because...

It'’ll make it easier for him to adopt a child!

Aah, come on!

Uh, thank you, Berta.

ROBIN: Hold on.

You want a child?

Yes. I'’ve been doing a lot of thinking

about my life, and I believe

that having a kid would add more meaning to it.

Parenthood can be very rewarding.

Some of the time.

So, this marriage is just a sham?

I didn'’t march in all of those gay rights parades

so you guys could make a mockery of our hard-won civil liberties.

You marched in those parades

so you could get drunk and pick up chicks.

Hard-wonchicks.

All right, look, we'’re not making a mockery of anything,

and I get the challenges that gay couples face,

but I-I also know that there are a lot of kids out there

that are just looking for a good home,

and I think we can provide that.

And I get health insurance.

You guys are lucky you'’re in California.

In some states, they still don'’t let gay couples get married

or adopt kids.

You know, when I was in Utah,

I vomited on a police officer, and I was arrested.

Simply for being gay.

Wow, this is a lot to take in.

My son is going to get married and have a child with...

Oh, God, where... where did I go wrong?

♪ Men.♪

Oh, there he is, my same-sex shorty.

My friend with no benefits.

My boo.

You know, I do have 99 problems, and you'’re all of them.

What'’s all this?

Uh, oh, I'’m, uh...

I'’m makinga dream board for our wedding.

Uh, there'’s also a Pinterest page,

or you can go to: Alan and Walden'’s big day dot com.

Yeah, I got the link you sent me.

Uh, I really loved the photoshopped picture

of both us peeking around the same tree.

However, you know,

we'’re not doing, like, a big, lavish wedding.

Oh, okay, I get it.

You know, small destination wedding.

Just the two of us, the beach, wearing leis around our necks,

matching linen shirts, sand tickling our toes.

Seagulls flying overhead.

Ca-kaw! Ca-kaw!

And where do you see this happening?

Well, obviously, there'’s Hawaii and Cabo.

Um,

I'’d be happy with either one of those.

Um, but I hear that Greece is fabulous this time of year.

And just FYI, Mykonos is very friendly to same-sex couples.

Opa!

Nopa!

We'’re getting married in the courthouse.

Please tell me "the courthouse" is a chic bar in Ibiza.

No, it'’s a rundown courthouse

around the corner from the Jiffy Lube.

We'’ll pay 50 bucks,

we'’ll do some paperwork,

and if you'’re good, we'’ll go outside

to the food truck, and I'’ll buy you a gyro.

Opa!

Oh.

Okay. I see.

What'’s wrong?

Nothing.

[sighs] Talk to me.

No, it'’s fine.

You know, I just wanted to make sure

this whole thing was special for us,

for you, but, you know, it'’s no big deal.

I'’m sure we can still make it special.

Maybe, uh... maybe Jenny can take some pictures

on her iPhone.

Alan, come on.

Don'’t touch me.

Look, this isn'’t about us.

It'’s about bringing a kid into our lives.

It'’s a simple business transaction,

like paying an electric bill, or buying dinner, or...

writing a rent check.

Stop me when I land on something you'’ve actually done.

I just got excited

because I'’ve never had the wedding I always dreamed of.

Right, the wedding that every little boy dreams of.

You know, we still need to get each other rings.

We can just get something online.

Or we could go into Beverly Hills and have brunch,

and go ring shopping together.

Really?

Sure.

Because I do have ideas.

♪ Men.♪

ALAN: Hey, Berta,

do we have any carrots?

Oh, wait. I'’ve got 14 karats of white gold

right here.

You'’ll make a beautiful bride, Zippy.

Hey.Hey, there'’s my future baby daddy!

If I got to listen to this, I got to be a lot higher.

Hey, uh, I got some paperwork for you to sign.

Oh, uh, and I'’ve got some paperwork for you to sign.

Guess it'’s true. Married couples dostart to think alike.

Maybe soon, we'’ll start to look alike, he said hopefully.

It'’s the application form for our marriage license.

Oh, look at you. Yeah.

I guess somebody'’s gonna get that money

for that mani-pedi he wants after all.

Ah, you spoil me.

No, I'’m just trying to be a good business partner.

The Johnson to your Johnson.

Wait, that-that didn'’t come out right.

So, uh... so what do you need me to sign?

Uh, just this.

Oh. What'’s that? [laughs]

Oh, it'’s a simple dissolution of services agreement.

Oh! Oh, you-you mean, like a... like a prenup?

Yup. So, it'’s not a big deal.

Just go ahead and sign it, he said hopefully.

Why do we need a prenup?

And here we go.

Uh...

when couples get married,

finances become complicated,

and this just simplifies it.

Oh, does it?

'’Cause it seems like it'’s pretty simple right now.

You don'’t trust me.

Okay, that'’s not true at all.

Isn'’t it?

I mean, is this what you really think of me?

That I'’m some kind of gold digger?

Okay, yes, I have lived here four years rent-free.

Look, why do you have to make this difficult?

You know, why do you make everythingso difficult?

It'’s like yesterday at brunch, when you sent back the champagne

because the bubbles didn'’t taste like "a mouthful of stars."

If it doesn'’t explode in your mouth, what'’s the point?

You said that to the waiter, too, and it was troubling then!

Look, I'’m just trying to protect my assets.

Oh-oh, yeah? Well, then maybe I should protect my assets.You know,

don'’t worry, I'’m pretty sure that your VHS copy

of Dirty Dancing and your complete collection

of Ghostbusterstrading cards are safe.

I am a collector of '’80s movie memorabilia.

And hobby mocking is not an attractive color on you.

Hobby mocker.

I also have one other asset that you cannot have,

my dignity.

Your dignity?!Mm-hmm.

Your dignity...?Yes.

Really? '’Cause I'’m pretty sure that the security guard

at the shopping mall had to remove the bench

from outside of Victoria'’s Secret because of you!

Mall flogger!

I got to tell you, I'’m having a lot of second thoughts right now.

Really? Because this is exactly where I want to be in my life,Mm-hmm.

begging a 47-year-old man to marry me.

Now sign the prenup!

I agreed to marry you, but that doesn'’t mean you get

to shove whatever you want down my throat

and expect me to swallow it!

Do-do you... do you even hear

the words that you are saying?!

How about these words? The wedding'’s off!

[crying]

I can'’t even get Alan Harper to marry me.

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪Boy, this better be important.

I just saw you two days ago.

Walden and I broke up. The-the wedding is off.

Oh, Alan.

You had a rich husband on the hook

and you couldn'’t reel him in.

What happened?

Well, he asked me to sign a prenup and I refused.

Well, of course you refused.

The woman I paid to raise you did not raise a fool.

Mom, I don'’t want his money.

Never say that again.

Is that a new ring?

Feels like Cartier.

Yes, it is. And you know who gave it to me?

My rich husband.

When Marty and I married, the only thing I was willing to sign

was his "do not resuscitate" order.

Walden says this wedding is just a-a business transaction.

H-How many business transactions end

with the release of grand monarch butterflies?

Darling, it is just business.

He'’s using you to get what he wants,

and you should be using him to get what you want:

financial security.

I'’m not doing it for financial security.

Walden genuinely wants a child,

the same way that I wanted Jake and-and you wanted...

Charlie.

I just thought that after four years together

that he would trust me when it comes to money.

Oh, darling, after 47 years, I don'’t trust you.

Maybe, uh, a-a prenup is justified.

Maybe I am just a sponge.

A-a-a parasite.

And-and he tolerates me because he'’s my best friend.

And I'’ve let him down,

and all I want to do is make him happy.

"Best friend."

"Happy."

I just have no idea where you got these warped views

on marriage.

He wouldn'’t sign a prenup?

No, he got all upset and he threw a hissy fit.

"You don'’t trust me. The wedding'’s off.

I'’m going to Ibiza by myself."

Let'’s face it, the man is simply not your equal.

If the two of you were on a plane that crashed

in the mountains, Alan would be the first person eaten.

On the other hand,

you'’re handsome, successful, smart.

You would be eaten last.

You'’re just saying I'’d be eaten last '’cause you'’re my mom.

Well, listen, I know you'’re serious about this child thing,

so I mentioned your situation to a very cute intern at work.

You didn'’t.Oh, Jessica'’s very amenable to striking a business deal.

[sighs] Plus,

she'’s already visited Dr. Schenkman,

if you know what I mean.

Mom, that'’s exactly what I don'’t want.

I don'’t even know this Jess...

Holy Schenkman.

Look, I-I w...

No, she'’d be eaten first.

Look, no, I want someone that I can trust.

That'’s why I picked Alan in the first place.

How can you possibly trust him?

He siphons gas out of your car.

Technically, I never caught him.

I just assumed that he did it

'’cause the garden hose smelled like gas

and one time he burped near a candle

and it lit the couch on fire.

I don'’t know why you ever let Alan live with you in the first place.

Uh, for starters, he saved my life.

And... he'’s been there for me,

every time that I needed him and even times when I didn'’t.

The bottom line is...

he'’s my best friend.

Jessica could be your best friend.

I'’m not going out with Jessica.

Fine. I get it.

I do have another intern that you might like better.

His name is Derek. He does Pilates...

Mom, I'’m not gay!

I-I just want to marry a man.

Why is that so difficult to understand?

♪ Men.♪

Hey.

Hey.

Listen... About earlier...

Uh, that-that'’s, that'’s my fault.

I-I totally get why I need to sign a prenup.

I mean, there'’s guys standing at freeway onramps

that make more money than I do.

You know what, you don'’t need to sign it.

Despite my mother'’s objections

and despite everything I'’ve learned from...

two seasons of Basketball Wives,

I trust you completely.

That'’s nice, but, uh,

I already signed it and sent it to your attorney.

Really?

Thank you. I-I owe you.

You owe me nothing.

I mean, other than two dollars for the envelope

and $1.75 for postage.

Nothing for gas?

No, I just filled up.

Will you still be my husband?

You know I can'’t quit you.

Listen, I-I know this isn'’t the wedding

that you'’ve always dreamed of,

but I-I got a little surprise for you for the ceremony.

Tell me Vera Wang started making tuxes.

Even better.

♪ When a man loves another man

♪ Can'’t keep his mind on nothing else... ♪

Oh... my... God.

It'’s like you live inside my dreams.

Happy wife, happy life.

Uh, fellas, can we get this going?

There'’s a lot of gay couples here who'’d like to get married

before the Supreme Court changes its mind.

Plus, this place is crawling with cops,

and I'’ve got six months to a year hidden in my purse.

♪ When a man loves another man ♪

Kill it, Bolton.

Hello, Michael.

You know, I have a vibrator named after you.

Well, that'’s very flattering.

Would you like me to sign it?

I have a special pen.

What a coincidence.

I have a bit of a nasty habit

of putting the tips of pens into my mouth.

We'’re here to join Walden Schmidt

and Alan Harper in legal marriage.

Have you two written your own vows?

No, the, uh, standard... the standard

"for richer, for poorer" actually fits us quite well.

Actually,

I'’ve written a little something down.

What? You didn'’t.

I wanted to surprise you.

[chuckles] Vows and Bolton?

♪ When a man...

Not the cue, Bolton.

Today,

I'’m marrying my best friend.

Do not cry.

Keep it together, Alan. [clears throat]

In the last four years, I'’ve been through a lot.

Uh, there'’s been good times and bad times.

But through it all, you were there.

And I can'’t imagine a future without you.

I guess what I'’m trying to say is...

I love you.

[voice breaking]: I love you, too.

This is the gayest wedding I'’ve ever been to.

I think it'’s beaut... Wh-Whose hand is on my ass?

Sorry. Sorry.

Walden,

do you take Alan to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And, Alan, do you take Walden to be your...

Try and stop me.

I now pronounce you married.

You may kiss.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Um, kiss. Right. [chuckles]

Let'’s...

Aw, what the hell.

[chuckles]

♪ When a man loves another man... ♪

♪ Men.♪Morning.

Hey. There'’s the old balls and chain.

How was your wedding night?

Much like my first one.

I spent it masturbating alone.

You'’re the only guy I know

that would register for lotion and tissues.

That was some party last night, huh?

Yeah, it must have been. I woke up out here.

And I'’m pretty sure I'’m wearing Jenny'’s underwear.

Yeah.

The whole evening'’s a little fuzzy for me, too.

The last thing I remember is you doing body shots

off of Michael Bolton.

All of us did body shots off of Michael Bolton.

Even our moms got along.

I wasn'’t sure they'’d click at first, but...

in the end, they came together.

♪ When a man

♪ Loves two women...

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org