Original subtitles

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[bells jingling]

- [giggling] - There. That's better.

[♪ Seals and Crofts: "Summer Breeze"]

All clean.

[sighs]

♪ He sees you when you're sleepin' He knows when you're awake

What are you doing here?

- And what are you talking about? - I'm talkin' about Santa Claus!

Only 159 days left till Christmas, so you better be good.

I'd better be good? How 'bout this? You better be scarce. Now go on.

I don't care about Christmas.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way

- Donkey! - Only 51 days till Christmas.

Get your green butt in gear and get marshmallows

because without marshmallows, sweet potatoes are nothin'!

[groans] Enough! I don't care about any of this nonsense.

Now shoo!

OK. But don't say I didn't say I told you so.

♪ Smashing through the snow And laughin' all the way

[laughing] It's finally here. Tomorrow's Christmas Eve!

- Everything ready? - No.

You haven't trimmed stockings, hung your chestnuts, roasted the tree?

- Or figgified your puddin'? - Donkey! Get it through your head.

No one here gives a hoot about Christmas!

A white Christmas! Oh, how perfect.

And it's our first one together as a family. Isn't this exciting?

Oh, yeah! How 'bout that?

There's somethin' Shrek needs to...

Don't ruin the surprise for her, Donkey.

Surprise? Oh, I love surprises!

You're the best. Come on, let's go make some cookies.

[door closes]

OK, you a dead man. You know that?

Hold that thought. I'll be right back.

[♪ Harry Gregson-Williams: "O Fortuna from Carmina Burana"]

Oh, good. You're still open.

No, no. We're closing now. Merry Christmas.

Wait! I need your help. I have to make a Christmas,

and I have no idea what it is or how to do it!

Why didn't you say so? That's super.

I know all about Christmas, and I've just the book.

Christmas for Village Idiots. It's all spelled out. See?

One, decorate house. Two, stockings by the fireplace.

Step three, the Christmas feast. Mmm!

- What's that? - Step four? The Christmas tree!

The tree goes inside the house?

Anyway, step five, the telling of the Christmas story.

It's the step that says I created the perfect Christmas

for my perfect family perfectly. Family by the fire,

everyone cozy and warm. Happy, happy. Voila!

- Sure. - Long story short,

it's all right here. It's no problem.

- Oh, perfect. - I mean, how hard can it be?

- I didn't get the eggnog! - Closed?! What do you mean?

Dwight the Knight action figure?

Sweet potatoes are nothing without marshmallows!

- Bye-bye. Have a super Christmas. - [groans]

- [object rattling, thudding] - [gasps]

- [Shrek gasping] Aah... - Honey, is that you?

Oh, Fiona! What are you doing up so early?

[grunts]

- Are you OK? - I'm all right.

- What are you...? - I...

Are you decorating?

- Uh... Yeah, that. Surprised? - Yes. [chuckles]

Well, this is our first Christmas together as a family,

and, you know, I just want to make sure that it's perfect.

Shrek, I think... it's beautiful.

- It's passable. - It's horrible!

- Donkey! - They usually toilet paper and run.

Whoever did this means business! Get rid of all this

and get tinsel and doilies and ribbons

and some plastic reindeer.

What is it you wanted today?

It's Christmas Eve! I've brought you a little somethin'.

Go ahead, take a couple. I bought plenty for everybody!

Oh! Isn't that... nice.

Well, thanks for stopping by for that brief visit, but as you can see,

there's a lot of work to do.

Just like him to wait till last minute.

Don't worry, the one thing I know is Christmas.

He's gonna want help, advice, and he's definitely...

Actually, I think what he really wants is a nice family Christmas.

Oh, a family Christmas.

Yeah. It's the first one with the kids.

Don't say a word. I know exactly what you mean.

I got a lot to do now, so I better get movin'.

Thank you, Donkey! And Merry Christmas!

All right. Merry Christmas!

♪ Love and joy come to you and to me some waffles too

Donkey's right. It's Christmas Eve.

How am I ever gonna get this done in time?

This is gonna be the best Christmas ever.

And we're going to do it together, so come on.

[♪ The Waitresses: "Christmas Wrapping"]

[burps]

[chortling]

Everything looks so good!

- Oh, nice job, honey. - Well, we all did it together.

What would the perfect Christmas be without a Christmas story?

- [giggling] - Ahem.

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house

- Not a creature was stirring... - [door slams open]

- What? - Merry Christmas, Shrek!

- Oh, not you! - We're here to smother you with love!

Absolutely not! Bad Donkey! Go home!

How are you gonna have Christmas without family?

- Seasons greeting! - Happy Holidays!

- Merry Christmas! - What a nice surprise!

Oh, yeah.

[all giggling]

OK, I will assume the position.

- [yowling] - [laughing]

- I am the joy-filled swine! - Yay, for the season of love!

This is where Christmas stockings go. You can't hang laundry up!

Donkey! Don't touch anything.

How we gonna roast chestnuts on this little bitty fire?

Hey, baby, you mind?

- [Gingerbread Man] Oh, boy! - [Mouse] This way, gents.

[shrieks] That was our supper!

Ow! Hey!

Did you hurt yourself when you fell out of heaven?

- Where are we going to put it? - I don't know.

Let's put it over here.

No, that is not with the feng shui.

Come on, everybody, let's dance!

[dance music plays]

- [muffled music] - [laughter]

- [Shrek] Occupied! - It's me. Shrek?

- Yes? - Come back to the party. Please?

Mmm. I don't think that'd be such a good idea.

Come on. It's not that bad.

OK, I know you're not a party person, but...

But what? This is not the kind of Christmas I had in mind.

They're our friends, Shrek. They all mean well.

[plate shatters]

- [pig] How many babies did Fiona have? - [pig 2] She has babies?

- [pig] I don't know. - Better get back to the house.

Surprised we have a house to go back to.

- Are you coming? - Oh, I can hardly wait.

Ah! Finally!

[thudding]

- [hums Ride of the Valkyries] - Look at him go!

Excuse me! Excuse me!

- Excuse you for what? - I don't feel very good.

- I feel better now. - Ooh, a chocolate chip!

- Mmm. - Sweetheart? [giggles]

[♪ Journey: "Don't Stop Believin"']

Mind if I cut in?

♪ Don't stop believing

♪ Up and down the boulevard

[giggling, cooing]

I am a little Christmas angel!

Hey there, my sweeties.

- [burps] - Aww.

Would you like Daddy to finish the story for you?

- [squeals] - Yeah?

The children were nestled all snug in their beds

- While visions of sugarplums... - Were you tellin' 'em

The Night Before Christmas? Best Christmas story ever!

- I'm the best teller ever! - Donkey...

I got it committed to memorization!

- Gather round! - Donkey! Wait!

I'm supposed to tell the Christmas story.

'Twas the night before Christmas and I spent all the day

Finishin' up on my Christmas display

Now, missin' all this would be nothin' but tragic

So just follow me and I'll show you the magic

Now, out in the yard in a glorious clutter

Is a spectacle there that'll make your heart flutter

With 20-foot cheese balls and a big eggnog fountain

And yodelin' elves on an ambrosia mountain

A stage where acrobats jump, leap and prance

And honor the day through interpretive dance

[all shout]

Just when you think the display is complete

The Christmas parade comes right down the street

With holiday floats all in silver and blue

With sugarplum fairies and a reindeer or two

There's a baton-twirlin' snowman all happy and perky

Magical peacocks and a dancin' roast turkey

[♪ Carmen Carter: "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)"]

[Donkey] And right when you think that you’ve just seen it all

Comes a huge waffle Santa that's 50 feet tall

Ho, ho, ho!

With syrup and butter the sight just amazes

As it's flanked by a choir all singin' his praises

[♪ Harry Gregson-Williams and the Waffle Santa Chorus: "Hallelujah Chorus"]

- Donkey. - Santa?

- Donkey! - Santa!

- Donkey! - Oh.

Very inappropriate, amigo. Please, allow me.

- Oh, Puss, not you too. - [Puss] In my homeland,

we tell a very different tale of the Santa Nicholas.

He's not made of waffles.

This Santa was suave He was nothing like that

The Santa I know was a hot Latin cat

He was dressed all in fur from his head to his paws

And he stood there heroic A real Santa... Claws

Red are his boots

- And so is his cape - [all] Olé!

His sword is a cane that tastes like crab cake

He wears a fine belt and a leather cravat

And there's a cute fuzzy thing which hangs down from his hat

[bell jingles]

[purring]

[crickets chirping]

I have shamed myself.

- [all] Olé! - All right, everybody,

if you leave now, you can beat the holiday traffic.

Aw, phooey with all your sunshine and lollipops!

Where I come from, Christmas is a nightmare.

- [sighs] - [clears throat]

'Twas the night before Christmas and the prettiest sights

Were my sweetheart beside me in the bright Christmas lights

...until they got home.

When they looked at the car door handle, and they found a hook!

- [shrieking] - [laughing]

Gingy, cut it out! You're really givin' me the creeps!

Oh, come on, I was just teasin'.

- Come here, you. - [giggles]

Gingy, I couldn't stay mad at you.

- [rustling] - What was that?

Oh, no, you don't. I'm not fallin' for that again.

No, I'm really, really seriously not kidding.

- Whoa! - Oh, Gingy!

- [roaring] - [yelling]

Suzie!

- [crunching] - No! No! No!

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

- That's not how it goes. - You weren't there!

All right, everyone, I've had just about enough!

All I wanted was a nice Christmas with my family.

That's exactly why we're all here! Come on, let's finish tellin' my story.

No, Donkey, that's not what I meant. And get out of my chair.

- Hey, what's this? - Donkey, let go of the book.

- Why are you whisperin'? - I'm not kiddin'. Give me the book!

- Heimlich! - Ja?

- No, Heimlich! - Oh, ja!

Ay!

[grunts] Whoa!

- [squealing] - Oh! My eye!

[screaming]

- [shouting] - [giggling]

Stop, drop and roll, Shrek!

- Somebody get some water! - I got it!

Don't worry, Shrek, everything is under control!

Oh, boy.

[kettle whistling]

- Oh! The tea is ready. - [Shrek] Out!

I want everybody out of my house right now!

Aah!

Well, that's a real nice way to treat your guests on Christmas!

And if you think I'm gonna give you a present now, you are sadly mistaken!

You want to give me a present? Then go away!

- That's all I wanted! - Fine! I'm going!

Good, then go!

You go and have yourself a merry Christmas.

- Ebenezer Shrek! - And a "bah, humbug" to you too!

- We could come to our house. - Ja, we have plenty of schnitzel.

Now maybe we can...

Fiona? Where you going?

Shrek, you just kicked everybody out on Christmas.

Well, that wasn't Christmas. That was chaos!

Look, I know it didn't go like you wanted.

What I wanted was a perfect Christmas for me and my family.

- That was our family. - You call that a family?

That was a natural disaster!

On Christmas, that's how it works. Yes, it was crowded.

Yes, it got a little out of hand.

- Fiona, they lit me on fire! - Shrek...

I had everything under control until they showed up and ruined my Christmas!

- Your Christmas? - I mean our Christmas.

For you, and the babies.

[sighs] Christmas is not just about you or me. Or even the babies.

You just don't get it.

I have to go. I need to apologize to our friends.

Fiona, wait.

[♪ Eels: "The Stars Shine in the Sky Tonight"]

I don't understand why Shrek had to be so mean and cranky.

We were tryin' to do what you wanted!

- What're you talking about? - What you said this morning.

You and Shrek wanted to have a big family Christmas.

I said it was our first Christmas together as a family.

Right. That's me and everybody else. Then he lost his temper like that.

You know, Donkey, none of us really asked Shrek what he wanted.

I must agree with the Princess. And you, especially, were no Christmas angel.

- I don't remember askin' you anything! - Donkey.

I'm sorry, Princess. You're right.

- Still, Shrek didn't have to be so... - [Shrek] What?

- [yelling] - [meowing]

Pigheaded? Stubborn? Mean?

Well, maybe I am all those things, but I'm an ogre, OK?

So here's the thing. [clears throat]

I'm sorry you took getting kicked out of my house the wrong way.

No, wait. What I meant to say is

I know you're just trying to be helpful in your irritating fashion...

- Ay, caramba! - Some people can't help being annoying.

- Shrek! - Look,

I shouldn't have lost my temper.

- Apology accepted. Let's go eat. - Wait a minute.

There's somethin' more to this. Come on, what's goin' on?

Look, all I wanted was to make this perfect for my family,

but I don't even know what Christmas means.

The thing is, this is my first Christmas too.

Whoa! Hold up, Shrek! You mean that you never had...

- No. - Not even one?

- No! - You mean no chestnuts,

no Santa, no presents, no stockings?

- No nut cakes?! - Donkey!

No, none of that.

Ogres don't celebrate Christmas.

Ogres don't celebrate anything.

Oh, man, now I'm all emotional.

- Come here, gimme a hug! - All right, that's close enough.

OK, all right, I just... guess I got... a little

excited about Christmas and all the presents and mistletoe

and everything, and I forgot that it's...

It's about us all bein' together, and I'm... I'm sorry, Shrek.

I know, Donkey, and... and I'm sorry it ended up in a great big fight.

Christmas is all about fights.

My mama used to say, "Christmas ain't Christmas till somebody cries."

Usually that someone's me.

There is no right way to do Christmas. You just do it.

[all] Ja, with schnitzel!

- And eggnog! - [all] And cheese!

- And family. - Yeah. And family.

So despite the fact that you drive me crazy at times...

Yes, Donkey, I'm lookin' at you.

...it would mean a lot to me if you'd all come back and join us.

OK, I guess I deserved that.

All right, don't push your luck.

[laughing] They got you good, Shrek!

That wasn't even funny! Who did that?

[babies cooing]

[Fiona] Well, that's the last of the spare blankets.

Sorry, but this is my spot. I never get the good spots, so I specifically...

So we are pigs, pigs in the blanket, ja?

- Ja. - Ja.

- This is funny then, ja? - Ja, ja.

- This is funny. - Ja.

- Yep, that's a good one. - Good night, everyone.

- It's time for lights out. - We can't go to sleep yet.

We haven't heard a bedtime story. Right?

Shrek, yeah!

- [all chattering indistinctly] - All right. All right.

Don't need this.

- [giggling] - OK.

'Twas the night before Christmas Not a swamp rat did creep

As mother and babe played kazoo in their sleep

[kazoo sounds]

Now, the sight of the house would make any ogre droop

For 'twas sickeningly sweet as unicorn poop

Yet who was arriving to help this lost cause?

The foul, the vile and handsome Ogre Claus

Hey. How's it goin'?

He looked all around and scratched at his beard

And said...

And said...

This place is worse than I thought... Uh, feared.

So he grabbed up his belly and screwed up his face

- And let loose a... - [loud belch]

That transformed the place

With a gleam in his eye his work here was done

And then to the babies he gave one by one

A festering bottle of stinky swamp juice

And for mommy a kiss and a good Christmas goose

Four hundred twenty five degrees, 20 minutes per pound.

Then digging a finger inside of his nose

And giving a nod up the chimney he rose

And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight

"Smelly Christmas to all and to all a gross night"

- [bells jingling] - [Ogre Claus] Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho!

- Ho, ho, ho! - Santa?! [screams]

Ho, ho, ho!