Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Previously:

Remember Emily from the dress shop? Hot chick?

We had the most amazing sex

I have ever had in my entire life.

And? Afterwards, you know,

we're just laying there, when out of nowhere,

the entire place reeks

like a sewer in a bad neighborhood.

Chief. I've been thinking.

I wanna be a lieutenant.

You ace that test.

I'll call downtown,

make sure you're assigned to a top house in the city.

Just keep your nose clean

and your mouth shut till it happens.

Nose clean. Mouth shut. No problem.

Pam Keppler. Nice to meet you. Hi.

This is the news chick.

For what? The Jimmy thing.

FRANCO: Look, they're doing

a 9/11 10th-anniversary special thing, okay?

Oh, really? What's their angle, huh, Franco?

Is it the 9/11 conspiracy?

Is that their angle?

How about maybe I slept with my cousin's wife?

Is that what they're going for?

There's been a lot of controversy since 9/11

involving the F.D.N.Y., alcohol and drug abuse.

Mm-hm.

WOMAN: Allegations of racism

in the department's hiring practices,

allegations of sexism,

that the department is nothing

but a big boys club run amok.

It's not what I agreed to talk about here.

You seem upset. You know what?

Next time your house catches on fire

or somebody gets hurt or whatever,

know what? Instead of calling us,

call a f------ garbage truck.

I'm done. F--- you.

F--- you. F--- you.

Hey. What's up?

Picked this up on the way to work this morning.

Seen them?

"Effin' DNY."

The Daily News.

Yeah?

What's Newsday got to say?

"Mother of six wins lotto."

Now, if she was blowing A-Rod,

maybe we wouldn't be in the papers.

Heat's not only gonna hit us hard, uh...

It's already here. NEEDLES: Aw, shit.

FEINBERG: The thing we could salvage

was the 9/11 charity game.

They're gonna let you play in the 10th-anniversary

cops-versus-firefighters event game

because of the money that the charity can raise.

It's all we could arrange.

You're lucky you got that.

Kick the cops' asses,

because that's the last ass

you'll kick for a while.

What's that supposed to mean?

Upstairs, guys. Come on. I ain't got all day.

Mm-hm.

Sorry, Tommy.

Joey.

King Joey the Third. What's going on, man?

JOEY: Ain't here as your old pal Joey, Tom.

I'm here as the department rep.

Firefighter Gavin, my name is supervisor Balsbaugh.

You are hereby informed of a 30-day suspension

from duty as of 8 a.m. today.

[PAPER CRACKLES]

Really?

All right, what? I gotta sign this or something?

I'm kind of in a rush, guys.

We'll need your badge, bunker jackets,

your official department ID, Tom.

I don't know where my official ID is.

I mean, listen. My kid,

I gotta take my kid to a dance class.

Can I drop this off at headquarters--?

Now. We need it now, all of it.

Okay, Ballsby. Just relax.

Names Balsbaugh, Balsbaugh.

Let's go. Badge, bunker jackets, ID. Now.

You dug your own hole here, Tom.

It's a deep one.

Got it.

We escort you in and out, asshole.

At any time you wanna enter the firehouse,

you need a rep from my office

and a rep from the union to lead you inside,

right the hell back outside.

Policy, pal.

Airtight.

You wanna slap a pair of cuffs on me too?

What I hear, that's not exactly foreign territory for you.

You're funny.

LOU: Ah, cover up, guys. We got company.

FRANCO: What's going on?

TOMMY: Well, guys. Ahem.

This is, uh, King Joey the Third here.

LOU: How are you? Came up with me and Jimmy.

I guess he's down at HQ now.

He's got three tits. Thus the name.

You wanna show them, Joey?

Huh? You still got the third tit? It's funny.

The third tit. It's weird too.

It's kind of like a-- A midget tit.

Oh, and this is Inspector Ballpeen?

Balsbaugh. TOMMY: Bal-baldspot?

Ball face?

Balsbaugh!

Yeah, okay. Anyways...

You know, you guys both know

what I said on TV, a lot of it was true,

in your heart of hearts, as firemen,

which is what you used to be

before you started wearing your Sunday best

to work, you know.

Look, guys, I'm out for, like, 30 days.

And apparently every time I come in here now, I gotta have

two jerk-offs who haven't fought fires

in, like, fifteen years to escort me.

You know? Heh.

Hope you get... Oh, yeah.

Here's my ID.

Says "firefighter" right on it.

That's what I do: fight fires and save people.

You remember people.

They're the ones whose taxes

are paying for your Lincoln town cars,

silk ties, and your fancy goddamn computers.

What Gavin was talking about is department policy.

Anyone aiding and abetting his unsupervised entry

into this firehouse over the next 30 days

will face the firm guarantee of suspension

and possible fine.

Any questions? Yeah.

BALSBAUGH: Yes, lieutenant.

I'm trying to figure something out.

It's a technical question, really, but...

the third tit, the midget tit,

did it come with a midget nipple?

[ALL LAUGH]

Let's go, Gavin. It's a legitimate question.

[ALL LAUGH AGAIN]

[SIGHS]

SHAWN: Franco, what's up, man?

Aw, what's the matter?

We're being disrespectful to them?

Hey...

It is what it is.

Tommy Gavin is officially down for the count.

I guess now we'll find out what this crew is like

without its major wonder boy, huh?

Should be entertaining.

A lieutenant friend of mine from the east side

said that news chick,

she's sniffing around Tommy's personal life

and everybody else's too.

So thanks to Tom,

every single piece of dirt attached to every guy

in this house is now officially up for grabs.

Good times, huh?

One down. Five to go, fellas.

[SIGHS]

[THE VON BONDIES' "C'MON, C'MON" PLAYING]

♪ On another day C'mon, cmon ♪

♪ With these ropes tied tight Can we do no wrong? ♪

♪ Now we grieve 'Cause now it's gone ♪

♪ Things were good When we were young ♪

♪ When my teeth bite down I can see the blood ♪

♪ Of a thousand men Who have come and gone ♪

♪ Now we grieve 'Cause now it's gone ♪

♪ Things were good When we were young ♪

♪ Is it safe to stay? C'mon, ¢'mon ♪

♪ Was it right to leave? C'mon, cmon ♪

♪ Will I ever learn? C'mon, cmon ♪

♪ C'mon, ¢'/mon C'mon, cmon ♪

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[CAR ENGINE REVS]

LOU: Yeah.

TOMMY: Bye-bye, douche bags.

Ugh. All right, fellas, the jig is officially up.

SEAN: What does that mean?

That means those suits just told me

Pam Keppler's van has been parked outside

of HQ already twice this week.

And her next big news story

is to jump into Tommy's personal life whole hog.

Of course. And anybody else out of line

in the past ten years.

Great. Thanks, Tom.

HQ's dropping the hammer. I don't have to tell you,

if she points her bony fingers around,

a lot of them will be pointed at us.

Nobody tried to talk to this broad? Scare tactics?

It won't work. She's got a hard-on for us.

Tommy, look.

You gotta lay low.

No bullshit this time.

I'm not afraid of her, okay?

She can bring what she wants.

Like I said-- You're not listening.

I'm listening to you.

It's not just about you.

We have our careers on the line here.

All right? She digs around in your shit,

how hard you think that's gonna be?

It's buried under a patch of fresh earth.

Would you please think about us for once?

Lou. I married a hooker.

He married a hooker.

I married a Russian mail-order bride.

Uh, I married Maggie.

Which makes the hooker

and the mail-order bride sensible.

I'm marrying Colleen.

Which makes marrying Maggie

look like a day at the beach.

No offense, Tommy. None taken.

Well, I guess I could be considered a deadbeat dad.

And a conspiracy freak. My gayness.

The whole nun thing. Lesbo girlfriend.

Extreme gayness. You wanna know what's sad?

Him being gay is the least of our public-relations problem.

Unless they find out that I blew a guy down at headquarters.

Yeah, unless they find out

that he blew a guy down at headquarter--

Mike, you blew a guy from headquarters,

or you blew a guy at headquarters?

Both. Thank you, God in heaven,

for this wonderful gift.

Wait a second. What guy?

I don't remember his name, dude.

How could you not know his name?

We were drinking.

Drinking at headquarters? No, no.

First at a Christmas party at a place near headquarters.

Then we went to his office at HQ, and--

And he put some moves on me,

and I took my shirt off and--

ALL: Oh! SHAWN: Stop, Mike. Just stop.

Guys, it wasn't cheap, you know?

This makes it sound cheap, and it-- And it wasn't.

Doug. That was his name, Doug.

Good. Doug. How many can there be?

Could be a lot. Doug Flutie.

Doug Henning. Doug E. Fresh.

Michael Douglas. Doogie Howser was a Doug.

Michael Douglas doesn't count as a Doug.

Yeah, he's a Michael.

Not a Doug. Mike.

No, no, no, no. The Doug that I blew looked like--

Like a young, studly, in-shape Michael Douglas type guy.

And he had a nice ass.

Okay, I can't believe I'm gonna ask you this.

Mike, do you think you can recognize the ass again?

Yeah, sure. ALL: Oh.

Shut up. This is good. Perfect.

I need you to get on the computer.

Find out how many Dougs are at HQ.

See if you can bring up pictures.

Good-looking pictures of Michael Douglas type Dougs.

You gonna go through with this?

Hey, our asses are on the line here, pal.

Yeah, Pam Keppler, all her TV news cronies,

not to mention the news reporters, the newspapers.

They're gonna crush us with this.

Aw, Jesus Christ.

I say we hit them now while we got the muscle.

Frank Pentangeli? Godfather II.

I didn't know you do that.

You never asked. [SIGHS]

Doug would've asked.

Huh, "Doug would have asked."

All right, Tommy, I'm gonna need you to go home.

Don't do anything stupid for about a month.

That's not gonna happen.

Did I say that out loud?

All right, I need you to round up--

I'm not getting involved. What?

God, you call yourself a chief,

and this is what you got your men doing,

chasing after some guy Mike remembers blowing

after a Christmas party? Really?

Okay, you're gonna do two things.

One, you're gonna remember who the hell you're talking to,

and two, you figure out whether you wanna be an officer

in this man's army, and if you do,

you better learn the facts of life,

and you better learn them quick, pal.

You fight fire with fire.

Oh, really? Last I heard, it was with water, chief.

I'm moving up, chief, and I wanna do it clean.

I've been dragged through the mud

with these guys by proxy.

I ain't doing it again.

Here on out, I walk a straight line, thataway.

Black Shawn. Chief.

Jesus.

Listen. You're gonna call Pam Keppler.

You tell her you know a guy in this crew

that's fascinated with 9/11 conspiracy theories.

No can do, chief.

I'd do almost anything you ask,

considering you're my commanding officer,

but there's no way I'll throw a brother firefighter,

that being Franco, under the bus.

Oh, I'm not talking about Franco.

I'm talking about me.

[SEAN CHUCKLES]

EMILY: That was yet another amazing date.

SEAN: Yeah, yeah. It was, wasn't it?

EMILY: I'm so glad I got you to finally try that place.

Yeah? Potent Margaritas.

Yeah, weren't they, though?

So were the nachos. Jeez.

So do you wanna come upstairs?

Uh...

[, um...

Actually, ugh...

You look like you're holding something in.

Um. Do you--? Do you need the toilet?

No, no, no. No. I'm good.

Are you sure? Yeah, yeah. It's just...

Okay, listen.

Uh, this is gonna sound silly

and a little embarrassing, honestly, and quite frankly,

I think it's pretty much in my head, so I just--

I promise I won't laugh.

Really? Yeah.

Okay. Here's what I have to say to you.

I think you're awesome, and you're the whole package,

and I have a fantastic time with you.

I think you're awesome too. Thank you.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

No, I just-- Here's the thing.

After we, you know, have sex-- Amazing sex, by the way,

the best sex I've had in my life.

It's-- There's this-- It's the smell, right?

Yes. Yes, it is. I'm-- My God.

There's this-- Something in your apartment,

and it's really, really...

It's my butt.

Wow. I don't-- Yikes.

I didn't mean to come off like that.

I'm the one who should apologize.

It's my smelly butt.

Uh, well, okay.

Are you, you know, okay? [SIGHS]

I mean, are you, like, dying or anything?

No.

[SIGHS]

It's just this thing that happens to me when I have sex.

Okay.

The penetration hits a muscle back there,

and afterwards, it give me gas.

Hmm.

Yeah, it's gross, I know.

No, hey, hey, hey. Don't say that.

Listen. I just-- I didn't know what it--

Thank God you have such a small penis.

Yeah. Thank God it's...

Huh?

There were worse results when I was dating

that center from the Knicks.

What do you mean I have a small penis?

I'm sorr-- Really, I'm not trying to be mean.

I-- I think you have a great little penis.

Okay. Can we stop calling it little, please?

Modest? Yeah, that's-- No.

Petite? Yeah, I don't--

Let's just call it little. That's fine.

Everybody has flaws, right, and--

I don't see them as flaws.

I just think they're who we are.

Yeah. You know what?

I don't think they're flaws either.

They're just who we are. I like that.

So, you wanna come upstairs?

Um...

Okay. Okay.

However, tonight, can we just...

cuddle?

[LAUGHS] What?

Uh, these are the Dougs.

These are all the Dougs that work down at HQ.

No, guys.

None of these are my Doug.

Besides, the more I think about it,

the more I think Doug's real first name

was something else.

You know, people at the party,

they called him Doug,

but there was a different name on his office door

when we went back to, you know--

and plus, my Doug, he had, like, a--

A beauty mark on his cheek, kind of like Cindy Crawford.

You know, kind of like you do, chief.

He had, like, masculine and feminine stuff going on,

you know, both at the same time.

Kind of like you do.

A-A-And you, too, chief. You know?

I mean, both you guys,

you're both, like, really strong, and--

And-- And very male,

but you each, like,

definitely have, like, some soft stuff going on too.

You know? It's what makes you both so approachable, you know.

Anyway...

And what am I, chopped liver?

I mean, he wants soft, I have 40 pounds of soft.

Soft inside, Lou.

Gruff exterior, soft inside.

You know what I'm gonna do?

Ill sit with Mike in front of the computer.

I'm gonna run by him the name and the photo

of every male working down at HQ till we find this Doug.

If we find anything, I will rush in here

and give it to you two approachable bitches.

[CHUCKLES]

Forty pounds.

You know, it's more like 60.

How you doing?

Hey, sorry about this.

I'm just doing my job.

My uncle was, uh, F.D.N.Y.,

Yeah? Tommy Dunn.

I know Tommy. He's a great guy.

Ill tell him you said hello.

Please do. I'd love to get in touch.

I'll give you his number. let me, uh--

Let me grab a pen and paper.

That's great, pal. Thank you.

Yeah. No problem.

So, uh, I guess you're here to see me, eh?

Heh. No.

It was a nice try, though.

Nice try? Yeah.

There's something very heroic about a chief

who's willing to draw all negative attention

onto himself and away from his men.

Well, you see, that's what a leader does.

Yeah.

You know, this little charm act of yours

didn't work on me the last time.

Look, I've done my research, Chief Nelson.

A lot of firefighters don't like

what's been going on in your crew

for the last ten years.

Okay-- Okay, I know

that the conspiracy guy is not you.

I know it's the good-looking guy

with the cocky smile and the do-me dimples,

who believes the government purposely brought down

the Twin Towers as an excuse to attack an enemy

in the Middle East.

And I find that very interesting.

America, not so much.

They want sex. Sex and drugs and murder.

So the idea that Tommy Gavin slept

with his dead cousin's wife for almost seven years,

brilliant.

And the fact that Tommy Gavin's wife

had a baby with his murdered cop brother

during the same period of time, genius.

This kind of story could make someone like me

a national name.

Your firehouse may be considered

the bottom of the barrel right now by the F.D.N.Y.,

but for me, it is a goddamn gold rush.

[SCOFFS]

Well, you know, in Italian,

there's a name for people like you.

Really? What's that?

Miserable bitch.

I've got work to do.

Don't forget your broom.

Hey.

My card. Thank you.

My uncle's info's on the back.

Thanks, pal.

Thank you.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

TOMMY: Where were you?

Traffic.

What do you got?

All right, look, the Doug that Mike had sex with--

[SIGHS] I know.

His name's not Doug, but he still looks

like a young Michael Douglas, and he's got a beauty mark on his cheek just like mine.

You mean a mole?

It's a beauty mark, okay?

Cindy Crawford's got one.

Yeah. Cindy Crawford also has tits.

Here's what I got from Keppler.

She's gonna talk about Johnny and Janet.

She's gonna talk about you and Sheila.

We gotta get something on this broad,

and we gotta get it quick.

I got some information from one of the guys on her crew.

Turns out somebody got a DUI last month,

and there's no police record of it,

which leads me to believe

that the cops know something we don't.

I reached out to Johnny's old partner.

Dead end. Moved to Seattle.

Here's what I need you to do.

That cop you're fighting with on the ice?

You find him, and you see what he knows about this.

Todd? Todd hates me.

Pam Keppler hates you.

Keppler has a TV show. Todd doesn't.

Find Todd. See what he knows,

and if he does know anything,

you do whatever you need to do

to get the information.

Whatever I need to do? Yeah.

What are you implying?

I'm not implying anything. I'm telling you.

Throw the game. [SIGHS]

You realize this is--

The hockey game is for the 10th anniversary of 9/11.

It's like the-- the biggest charity hockey game we played.

It's in the memory of our fallen brothers.

We're doing this for our fallen brothers.

Look, she starts naming you and Sheila,

she's gonna name all the other firefighters

that are sleeping with the widows.

Me and you know it's about emotional bonding

and shared grief, but to these people,

this is tawdry sex and headlines, my friend.

There's chum in the water. We gotta protect our own.

Tommy, this is for the greater good.

What?

Cindy Crawford? Yeah.

Pretty sure she doesn't have hair

growing out of her mole.

TOMMY: Or a cock.

Hey, Todd.

TOMMY: Hey.

Hold on a second.

What's going on?

Well, if it isn't TV's Tommy Gavin.

To what do I owe this pleasure, Tom?

Let me guess. The F.D.N.Y. finally got rid

of your skinny, little ass, and now you wanna be a cop.

Funny. Listen, I, uh...

I need a favor. Oh, my God.

Holy shit, Tom. Where are the TV cameras and reporters

when you really need them.

You need a favor from me?

Can I talk to you a second?

TODD: D-D-Don't touch.

Here's the deal.

This, uh, broad, she's, uh...

She's gonna do a story about my wife and my brother.

Now, obviously, that's not good news for me,

and I would have gone through Johnny's old partner,

but as you know, he moved to Seattle,

so I'm desperate. I can use anything.

Old parking tickets, a DUL.

I don't know. Anything you can dig up.

And, uh, you know...

[SIGHS]

I'd be willing to trade up on this.

[, you know... Almost willing to do anything.

I'll even throw the anniversary game.

You can kiss my fat Irish ass, numb nuts.

What?

We don't play fixed games, Tom,

especially against teams we know we can beat, all right?

And another thing. I highly recommend

you keep your head up tomorrow afternoon,

because I'm gonna kick your midget dick

all over the ice.

Thanks for nothing.

TODD: Yeah. You're welcome, Tom.

Asshole.

MAN 1: It's a tie, brothers.

F.D.N.Y., four, N.Y.P.D., four.

[CROWD WHISTLING & CHEERING]

On, hey, listen. Before I forget,

it took us a while, but I finally got Mike

to remember the name of his friend,

you know, his little-- Ah!

- -buddy from the Christmas party.

Doug is his name.

And some other pertinent information.

Do with it what you like.

I'm just saying I still don't feel right about it.

Like I feel like a rat.

SHAWN: Relax, Mike,

you're doing it for the good

of the entire crew, all right?

What are you talking about?

It's us against them.

They play dirty. We play dirty.

Remember what Needles said.

What?

What did Needles say?

You're a moron?

No. That wasn't it.

Fight fire with fire.

Pfft! Well, I would've remembered that. Hello.

All right, everybody! Hey, shut up! Listen up!

Lot of you firemen know

I can't drink no more

for reasons you cops already have on file.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Well, here's a guy who ain't an alcoholic,

but he just retired,

and he's doing everything in his power

to become one.

Chief Lugnut Lombardi.

[ALL CHEER]

Go ahead, chief.

LUGNUT: All right. Thank you.

Thanks, everybody. Thank you.

It was an honor

to watch two fine departments

do battle out there together

for a great, great cause.

Game ended in a tie, deservedly so.

Now, let's decide who wins the drinking contest.

[ALL CHEERING]

Hey, guys, as captain of the police team,

some people think a tie game is like kissing your sister.

[ALL LAUGH]

But in honor of those

that died on both sides on that fateful day,

this seems more like throwing a friendly arm

around all our firefighting brothers.

[ALL CHEERING]

Now, uh, I just got something to say.

Too bad 9/11 wasn't a tie,

because the last time I looked,

it was firefighters, 343,

N.Y.P.D., 23.

[CROWD MURMURS]

MAN 2: Hey! Screw you, dick face.

Whatever! Unh!

[ALL GRUNTING]

MAN 3: You want some of this?

Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Whoa.

What are you doing? What do you mean? What?

I came out here to help you.

You remember you asked me to dig stuff up

on that news broad, the one

that's doing the story about you?

Yeah. Well, guess what, pal.

Jackpot.

Larry Lochness, meet Tommy Gavin.

Hey. Seen you on TV.

Lochness works out of the 15th, all right.

He's an old buddy of mine. So get this.

Picks up Pam Keppler about a year and a half ago

on a cocaine possession charge.

He recognizes her right away.

She begs to get out of it, Tom, all right?

So Lochness decides to offer her a deal.

And? She blew me.

TOMMY: What?

Ah, yeah. Look at it.

Wha--? Whoa!

Yeah. Oh, it's her.

No, no. I know it's her. What's that?

Now you know why they call me Lochness.

[GASPS]

He's got video on there, too, Tom.

Take her down, all right?

She's a hypocrite and a cokehead,

and she's calling you out?

Guys, this is awesome.

I don't know what to say. I owe you guys.

We're not doing this for you, Tom, okay?

We're doing this for our brother, Johnny. Okay?

You think we want his good name stomped on by some TV coke slut?

Let me tell you something.

As good as a fireman you're supposed to be,

your brother Johnny was ten times a better cop.

All right, so you take this stuff, Tom,

and you go ruin that broad, all right?

Make sure Johnny's name doesn't get mentioned.

Okay? Okay.

Oh, oh. And one more thing.

What? Take this.

[GRUNTS]

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]

Who the hell called the cops?

I did.

You're getting your asses kicked.

I figured you could use some backup.

TOMMY: Oh, man.

Another ginger ale, Tom? No.

[POLICEMAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[CROWD YELLING INDISTINCTLY INSIDE BAR]

After you.

COLLEEN: I just can't, okay?

TOMMY: What's going on? I am so sick of this!

Okay, I'm sick of all of it!

Just get out of my way!

What the--? What's going on?

You ruined the wedding, Dad. You ruined it,

and everyone at school's making fun of me

because my dad gave the finger in the paper!

Oh. Jeez.

What the hell's...?

What's happening?

Hello.

You gonna bring him up to speed, or...?

[JANET SIGHS]

Okay, the new place that Shawn and Colleen

were looking at for their wedding,

they saw that the last name was Gavin,

that you're the firefighter who's been in all the papers--

And they told them both to take a hike.

No, it was two places, okay?

The second place, we told them you weren't my father,

and they found out. Know what?

Right now, I really wish you weren't.

Hey, Colleen. That's enough.

Hey, you know what?

You come out here right now, and you apolo--

[GRUNTS]

Holy shit! Wait, wait--

What the hell? You--

Colleen, get your ass out here

and clean this mess up.

COLLEEN: Go to hell! Pfft!

COLLEEN: I hate you, Daddy!

Please let me pay for the wedding

and let me get one of those other places.

JANET: No, Sheila. No.

How many times do I have to tell you? No.

Wow, wow, wow. Calm down.

I'm just trying to help you, so--

Does it look like it's helping?

No. You are making things worse.

Okay, can I just ask a question? Okay?

Are you guys all Lance Armstronging?

Oh, you-- I'm just asking, okay?

What's go--? What's the place?

What are you talking about? What place?

I'm talking about...

There's a place in Jersey

near where I take Damian for his German aqua therapy.

Then there's a place in Connecticut

near where I take him for movement therapy.

They are both mansions. Mansions.

They are both gorgeous, and they're both expensive.

I want to pay.

I wanna pay for the whole thing, okay?

No one's gonna know out there

that your face was all over the papers,

and besides which...

[SIGHS]

Colleen and Mike changed their minds

about Mike designing the dress,

because he has come across a dress that he,

and I'm quoting, says "is to die for."

JANET: Okay, Tommy,

I do not want her to pay for our daughter's wedding,

especially when she is not even involved.

Oh, my God. Yeah.

Ask her. Wha--? What?

How many times do I have to tell you

I want her to be in the wedding?

Yes, and she made it abundantly clear

that she does not want to be in the wedding

if Uncle Mickey is involved,

and your uncle Mickey deserves to be in the wedding, right?

Do you want me to start drinking again?

Is that what you guys want?

No. I never asked for anything,

and now Sheila wants to help.

I don't understand-- I can't afford

the kind of wedding you want.

We can't even afford the dress. Unh!

Tommy, tell her.

I don't want Colleen to drink anymore.

No one's gonna drink anymore. Okay, Sheila,

I can handle my own kids.

Okay? Okay.

No one is gonna drink anymore.

Oh, wow. That was So much better.

Watch your mouth! Hey!

What--? You know what?

I need a drink.

[ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

JANET: Absolutely not. TOMMY: Hey! Hey!

Hey!

What the hell?

You gotta be shitting me.

Nobody's gonna drink, okay?

Everybody calm down.

How much money we talking about?

Eight grand.

For the wedding?

BOTH: For the dress.

Tsk. I need a whiskey.

JANET: No!

[ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

[WYATT SCREAMS]

What's he trying to tell us?

Probably that he wants to be put up for adoption.

[CRYING]

All right.

Katy, Colleen, take him into his room.

Let's go. Hurry up.

JANET: And clean up that mess.

TOMMY: You two, sit down. I wanna talk to you right now.

Hurry up, girls.

Really? Okay.

I am sick and tired

of being treated like a ghost around here, okay?

You wanna start talking about, you know,

uh, father figures?

Well, I ain't no figure.

I'm the real deal,

and I'm gonna lay some, uh,

new laws down around here, okay?

First of all, Sheila is gonna be a part of that wedding.

Wha--? Uh-uh!

Done deal. And she's gonna need somebody

to walk her down the aisle,

because God knows Damian ain't gonna do it.

Listen to me.

You've been sold a bill of goods

by a series of snake oll salesmen, okay?

Nobody's had the balls to say this to you,

but I just got my balls back, so I'm gonna say it.

Mickey was right.

The kid is as is, all right?

He ain't ever getting out of that wheelchair.

So-- Uh-uh! Sit down.

You're in that wedding,

and Mickey's gonna be in that wedding.

[SCOFFS]

And you can wipe that little smirk off your face, sweetheart,

because I got some news for you too.

Sheila is paying for that wedding.

Wha--? And we're-- Uh-uh!

Listen, you wanna see Colleen

passed-out shitfaced again, on a beach somewhere? Huh?

Can you put a price tag on her, sobriety?

I don't think so.

So we're taking Sheila's money,

and Colleen's gonna have the greatest day

in the history of all the days that she's ever gonna have.

That's what we're doing.

And I'm gonna pay back all that money, every single penny of it.

You can bet your pretty little asses on that.

COLLEEN: Yay.

Oh. Oh, come on in, girls. Join the party.

Maybe you'll learn a thing or two.

All right, this is a dysfunctional family.

I know. Call the newspapers. There's a headline for you.

It's a family full of drunks

and drug addicts and liars...

and cheaters and...

s-stealers.

Okay?

We've lied and cheated

and stole our way around each other for God knows how long,

and where did we end up?

Where'd it get us? Nowhere.

Yeah, that's right. Nowhere.

Right back here where we started.

That's where we ended up, where we all belong.

Now, some people would say that the truth will set you free.

The truth is, you know...

The truth will cleanse you and--

And elevate your spirit.

I say that the truth

can kiss our lying Irish asses,

because I'll tell you something:

the truth will be used by the enemy,

the outside world, as ammunition against us.

And believe me, they're getting ready to do exactly that,

but I have a secret evil plan that plays to our strengths.

A plan that involves lying and cheating and stealing.

You know, they're always saying--

The media's always talking about,

on TV and in the magazines and everything, that sex sells.

Well, we are gonna sell them right down the goddamn river.

Listen.

Please believe me when I say that you need to accept the fact

that Damian is never getting out of that wheelchair,

and I'm telling you this... because I love you.

And as much as I love her, I love you even more.

All right, girls. I want this place cleaned up

by the time I get back, spic and span.

Sheila, outside. I'm gonna give you your assignment now.

I'm gonna go pick up my godson

from that God-awful aromatherapy bullshit class.

Till then, toodles.

Hold it up. Up.

Oh. Move it.

Hi, I am so glad that you decided to do this.

It'll give you a chance to--

To tell your side of the story,

to give us-- Let us experience

the emotional side of 9/11 and its aftermath.

Mm-hm.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Thank you.

Are you ready?

I think I need some water.

Yes. Water! Water, please.

I changed my mind.

[SIGHS]

Okay. Rolling.

So after your husband's death,

after they found only his finger

in the wreckage and rubble at Ground Zero,

did you find yourself turning to certain family members

for healing

to deal with the grief and the anguish?

Do you mean Tommy?

Yes. Uh...

Did you find yourself turning to his brother in arms,

his best friend, and his cousin, Tommy Gavin?

Hell, yeah.

Baby, I banged his brains out.

We had mad, insane, explosive sex

almost every single time

we put our hands on each other,

and you wanna know why?

Because we could.

Sometimes we had angry sex, sometimes we had happy sex,

and sometimes we had "atom bomb going off in the apartment" sex,

but one thing was always certain,

and that was, every single time Tommy was inside of me,

I never thought about my dead hero husband.

I just enjoyed the ride.

I even have some video.

Uh-- You know,

because when Tommy and I had sex,

we did it because we really--

We needed it desperately.

You know, we hungered for it.

And it was a pretty honest transaction,

because we got what we wanted

out of each other, you know.

Kind of just like...

[SNIFFS]

...this.

LARRY: Yeah, Pam. Aw, suck it.

Suck it. Yeah.

Ahh! Oh!

Sit down, big mouth.

And when I say "big mouth,"

I think we all know how big it is now, don't we?

Sit down.

You drop that story,

or I swear to Christ that'll end up on YouTube. Yeah?

What's that you guys say now?

That's a wrap?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Bye.

WOMAN: Let's pack it up.

MAN 1: Let's break it down. MAN 2: Yeah.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[BUZZER BUZZES]

Hello.

Uh, I have an appointment,

uh, with Supervisor Balsbaugh

in Lt. Hanrahan's office. I'm a little late.

They're waiting for you.

Sorry.

JOEY: Sheil. Joey.

Come onin. Mwah!

This is Supervisor Balsbaugh.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Lt. Hanrahan is, uh, two seconds away.

Okay. How you doing?

You know, Joey, I've been better.

We thought we saw you

talking to that news station.

You know, it's a terrible mess they started here.

I'm sorry about all this, and I hope you told her what's what.

Let's cut to the chase here, Mrs. Keefe.

I didn't know your husband personally,

but I know who he was,

what he did for his country on that fateful day.

His record is the reason

we agreed to sit and talk to you.

We owe him that. We owe you that anytime you desire it.

But let's be clear here.

This whole business ain't about your husband.

It's about your boyfriend.

He's a scourge, a stain on this department,

and if you think coming down and pleading his case is gonna change anything,

guess again. He's out for 30 days,

and if I had my way, maybe forever.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm dead serious, Mrs. Keefe.

Soam I.

Oh, Lt. Hanrahan.

Robert D. Hanrahan?

Yes.

Welcome, Mrs. Keefe. II...

I saw you on the TV.

Oh, I know.

Your friends call you Doug, right?

Uh, that's right. Feel free to do the same.

Okay, Dougie boy. Dougie Doug. Heh, heh.

Wow. It's hot in here.

[, um... I need a drink.

Um, those flowers there

are from Mike Silletti at 62 truck.

You remember him, right?

He has a little birthmark, a little brown birthmark,

kind of like the one that you have on your cheek,

except that his is on his ass.

Ooh.

Sexy.

[MOANS]

Do you guys--? I'm sorry.

No?

Phew.

Yeah!

[CHUCKLING]

Bouncy. Good for you.

Isn't having booze in here

against department regulations?

But then again, so is having sex in here after hours. Yeah?

Mike said something about...

Wait a minute.

You're not a policeman, are you?

[SHEILA CHUCKLES]

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Hey. What happened?

Operation oral sex is officially over.

Balsbaugh told Dougie Doug to clean out his desk

once he saw the cuffs and the bar,

and Keppler has left me two messages,

offering me cash to burn the video.

You, my dear, are back on duty.

Wow.

You know, we should be, uh...

We should be working for, um, TMZ.

Right. Secrets and lies. Ha, ha.

Good old-fashioned American way.

How's my kid? He's good.

And he smells good, which is one of the, uh,

few benefits we're getting from that aromatherapy class.

Smells like pizza.

Actually, that's me.

I-- I smell like pizza.

Hey, uh, Sheil? Yes.

Um, you know, I owe you bigtime for this.

No. No, I did this for us.

I did this for all of us.

For the brotherhood?

No, silly.

For the Gavins.

[PHONE BEEPS]

[♪♪]