All language subtitles for Rescue Me (2004) - S07E05 - Head (1080p BluRay x265 Panda)_track3_[eng]-eng

NARRATOR:
Previously:

Remember Emily
from the dress shop? Hot chick?

We had the most
amazing sex

I have ever had
in my entire life.

And?
Afterwards, you know,

we're just laying there,
when out of nowhere,

the entire place reeks

like a sewer
in a bad neighborhood.

Chief.
I've been thinking.

I wanna be a lieutenant.

You ace that test.

I'll call downtown,

make sure you're assigned
to a top house in the city.

Just keep your nose clean

and your mouth shut
till it happens.

Nose clean. Mouth shut.
No problem.

Pam Keppler. Nice to meet you.
Hi.

This is
the news chick.

For what?
The Jimmy thing.

FRANCO:
Look, they're doing

a 9/11 10th-anniversary
special thing, okay?

Oh, really? What's their angle,
huh, Franco?

Is it
the 9/11 conspiracy?

Is that
their angle?

How about maybe I slept
with my cousin's wife?

Is that what
they're going for?

There's been a lot
of controversy since 9/11

involving the F.D.N.Y.,
alcohol and drug abuse.

Mm-hm.

WOMAN:
Allegations of racism

in the department's
hiring practices,

allegations of sexism,

that the department
is nothing

but a big boys club
run amok.

It's not what I agreed
to talk about here.

You seem upset.
You know what?

Next time
your house catches on fire

or somebody
gets hurt or whatever,

know what?
Instead of calling us,

call a f------
garbage truck.

I'm done. F--- you.

F--- you. F--- you.

Hey. What's up?

Picked this up on the way
to work this morning.

Seen them?

"Effin' DNY."

The Daily News.

Yeah?

What's Newsday
got to say?

"Mother of six
wins lotto."

Now, if she
was blowing A-Rod,

maybe we wouldn't be
in the papers.

Heat's not only gonna
hit us hard, uh...

It's already here.
NEEDLES: Aw, shit.

FEINBERG: The thing
we could salvage

was the 9/11 charity game.

They're gonna let you play
in the 10th-anniversary

cops-versus-firefighters
event game

because of the money
that the charity can raise.

It's all
we could arrange.

You're lucky
you got that.

Kick the cops' asses,

because that's the last ass

you'll
kick for a while.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Upstairs, guys. Come on.
I ain't got all day.

Mm-hm.

Sorry, Tommy.

Joey.

King Joey the Third.
What's going on, man?

JOEY: Ain't here
as your old pal Joey, Tom.

I'm here
as the department rep.

Firefighter Gavin, my name
is supervisor Balsbaugh.

You are hereby informed
of a 30-day suspension

from duty
as of 8 a.m. today.

[PAPER CRACKLES]

Really?

All right, what? I gotta sign
this or something?

I'm kind of in a rush, guys.

We'll need your badge,
bunker jackets,

your official
department ID, Tom.

I don't know where
my official ID is.

I mean, listen.
My kid,

I gotta take my kid
to a dance class.

Can I drop this off
at headquarters--?

Now. We need it now,
all of it.

Okay, Ballsby.
Just relax.

Names Balsbaugh, Balsbaugh.

Let's go. Badge,
bunker jackets, ID. Now.

You dug your own
hole here, Tom.

It's a deep one.

Got it.

We escort you
in and out, asshole.

At any time you wanna enter
the firehouse,

you need a rep
from my office

and a rep from the union
to lead you inside,

right the hell
back outside.

Policy, pal.

Airtight.

You wanna slap a pair
of cuffs on me too?

What I hear, that's not exactly
foreign territory for you.

You're funny.

LOU: Ah, cover up, guys.
We got company.

FRANCO:
What's going on?

TOMMY:
Well, guys. Ahem.

This is, uh, King Joey
the Third here.

LOU: How are you?
Came up with me and Jimmy.

I guess he's down
at HQ now.

He's got three tits.
Thus the name.

You wanna show them,
Joey?

Huh? You still got
the third tit? It's funny.

The third tit.
It's weird too.

It's kind of like a--
A midget tit.

Oh, and this
is Inspector Ballpeen?

Balsbaugh.
TOMMY: Bal-baldspot?

Ball face?

Balsbaugh!

Yeah, okay.
Anyways...

You know,
you guys both know

what I said on TV,
a lot of it was true,

in your heart of hearts,
as firemen,

which is what
you used to be

before you started wearing
your Sunday best

to work, you know.

Look, guys, I'm out for,
like, 30 days.

And apparently every time
I come in here now, I gotta have

two jerk-offs
who haven't fought fires

in, like, fifteen years
to escort me.

You know? Heh.

Hope you get...
Oh, yeah.

Here's my ID.

Says "firefighter"
right on it.

That's what I do:
fight fires and save people.

You remember people.

They're the ones
whose taxes

are paying
for your Lincoln town cars,

silk ties, and your
fancy goddamn computers.

What Gavin was talking about
is department policy.

Anyone aiding and abetting
his unsupervised entry

into this firehouse
over the next 30 days

will face the firm guarantee
of suspension

and possible fine.

Any questions?
Yeah.

BALSBAUGH:
Yes, lieutenant.

I'm trying to figure
something out.

It's a technical question,
really, but...

the third tit,
the midget tit,

did it come
with a midget nipple?

[ALL LAUGH]

Let's go, Gavin.
It's a legitimate question.

[ALL LAUGH AGAIN]

[SIGHS]

SHAWN:
Franco, what's up, man?

Aw, what's the matter?

We're being disrespectful
to them?

Hey...

It is what it is.

Tommy Gavin is officially down
for the count.

I guess now we'll find out
what this crew is like

without its major
wonder boy, huh?

Should be entertaining.

A lieutenant friend
of mine from the east side

said that news chick,

she's sniffing around
Tommy's personal life

and everybody else's too.

So thanks to Tom,

every single piece of dirt
attached to every guy

in this house is now
officially up for grabs.

Good times, huh?

One down.
Five to go, fellas.

[SIGHS]

[THE VON BONDIES'
"C'MON, C'MON" PLAYING]

♪ On another day
C'mon, cmon ♪

♪ With these ropes tied tight
Can we do no wrong? ♪

♪ Now we grieve
'Cause now it's gone ♪

♪ Things were good
When we were young ♪

♪ When my teeth bite down
I can see the blood ♪

♪ Of a thousand men
Who have come and gone ♪

♪ Now we grieve
'Cause now it's gone ♪

♪ Things were good
When we were young ♪

♪ Is it safe to stay?
C'mon, ¢'mon ♪

♪ Was it right to leave?
C'mon, cmon ♪

♪ Will I ever learn?
C'mon, cmon ♪

♪ C'mon, ¢'/mon
C'mon, cmon ♪

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[CAR ENGINE REVS]

LOU:
Yeah.

TOMMY:
Bye-bye, douche bags.

Ugh. All right, fellas,
the jig is officially up.

SEAN:
What does that mean?

That means those suits
just told me

Pam Keppler's van
has been parked outside

of HQ already twice
this week.

And her next big news story

is to jump into Tommy's
personal life whole hog.

Of course.
And anybody else out of line

in the past
ten years.

Great.
Thanks, Tom.

HQ's dropping the hammer.
I don't have to tell you,

if she points
her bony fingers around,

a lot of them will be
pointed at us.

Nobody tried to talk
to this broad? Scare tactics?

It won't work.
She's got a hard-on for us.

Tommy, look.

You gotta lay low.

No bullshit this time.

I'm not afraid
of her, okay?

She can bring
what she wants.

Like I said--
You're not listening.

I'm listening
to you.

It's not just
about you.

We have our careers
on the line here.

All right? She digs
around in your shit,

how hard you think
that's gonna be?

It's buried under
a patch of fresh earth.

Would you please think
about us for once?

Lou.
I married a hooker.

He married a hooker.

I married
a Russian mail-order bride.

Uh, I married Maggie.

Which makes the hooker

and the mail-order bride
sensible.

I'm marrying Colleen.

Which makes
marrying Maggie

look like a day
at the beach.

No offense, Tommy.
None taken.

Well, I guess I could
be considered a deadbeat dad.

And a conspiracy freak.
My gayness.

The whole nun thing.
Lesbo girlfriend.

Extreme gayness.
You wanna know what's sad?

Him being gay is the least
of our public-relations problem.

Unless they find out
that I blew a guy
down at headquarters.

Yeah, unless they find out

that he blew a guy
down at headquarter--

Mike, you blew a guy
from headquarters,

or you blew a guy
at headquarters?

Both.
Thank you, God in heaven,

for this wonderful gift.

Wait a second.
What guy?

I don't remember
his name, dude.

How could you
not know his name?

We were drinking.

Drinking at headquarters?
No, no.

First at a Christmas party
at a place near headquarters.

Then we went
to his office at HQ, and--

And he put some moves on me,

and I took my shirt off
and--

ALL: Oh!
SHAWN: Stop, Mike. Just stop.

Guys, it wasn't cheap,
you know?

This makes it sound cheap,
and it-- And it wasn't.

Doug. That was
his name, Doug.

Good. Doug.
How many can there be?

Could be a lot.
Doug Flutie.

Doug Henning.
Doug E. Fresh.

Michael Douglas.
Doogie Howser was a Doug.

Michael Douglas doesn't count
as a Doug.

Yeah, he's
a Michael.

Not a Doug.
Mike.

No, no, no, no. The Doug
that I blew looked like--

Like a young, studly, in-shape
Michael Douglas type guy.

And he had
a nice ass.

Okay, I can't believe
I'm gonna ask you this.

Mike, do you think you can
recognize the ass again?

Yeah, sure.
ALL: Oh.

Shut up. This is good.
Perfect.

I need you
to get on the computer.

Find out how many Dougs
are at HQ.

See if you can bring up
pictures.

Good-looking pictures
of Michael Douglas type Dougs.

You gonna go through
with this?

Hey, our asses
are on the line here, pal.

Yeah, Pam Keppler,
all her TV news cronies,

not to mention the news
reporters, the newspapers.

They're gonna crush us
with this.

Aw, Jesus Christ.

I say we hit them now
while we got the muscle.

Frank Pentangeli?
Godfather II.

I didn't know you do that.

You never asked.
[SIGHS]

Doug would've asked.

Huh,
"Doug would have asked."

All right, Tommy,
I'm gonna need you to go home.

Don't do anything stupid
for about a month.

That's not
gonna happen.

Did I say
that out loud?

All right,
I need you to round up--

I'm not getting involved.
What?

God, you call yourself
a chief,

and this is what
you got your men doing,

chasing after some guy
Mike remembers blowing

after a Christmas party?
Really?

Okay, you're gonna do
two things.

One, you're gonna remember
who the hell you're talking to,

and two, you figure out
whether you wanna be an officer

in this man's army,
and if you do,

you better learn
the facts of life,

and you better learn them
quick, pal.

You fight fire
with fire.

Oh, really? Last I heard,
it was with water, chief.

I'm moving up, chief,
and I wanna do it clean.

I've been dragged
through the mud

with these guys
by proxy.

I ain't
doing it again.

Here on out, I walk
a straight line, thataway.

Black Shawn.
Chief.

Jesus.

Listen.
You're gonna call Pam Keppler.

You tell her
you know a guy in this crew

that's fascinated
with 9/11 conspiracy theories.

No can do, chief.

I'd do almost
anything you ask,

considering
you're my commanding officer,

but there's no way I'll
throw a brother firefighter,

that being Franco,
under the bus.

Oh, I'm not talking
about Franco.

I'm talking about me.

[SEAN CHUCKLES]

EMILY: That was yet
another amazing date.

SEAN: Yeah, yeah.
It was, wasn't it?

EMILY: I'm so glad I got you
to finally try that place.

Yeah?
Potent Margaritas.

Yeah,
weren't they, though?

So were the nachos.
Jeez.

So do you wanna
come upstairs?

Uh...

[, um...

Actually, ugh...

You look like
you're holding something in.

Um.
Do you--?
Do you need the toilet?

No, no, no.
No. I'm good.

Are you sure?
Yeah, yeah. It's just...

Okay, listen.

Uh, this is gonna
sound silly

and a little embarrassing,
honestly, and quite frankly,

I think it's pretty much
in my head, so I just--

I promise
I won't laugh.

Really?
Yeah.

Okay. Here's what I have
to say to you.

I think you're awesome,
and you're the whole package,

and I have
a fantastic time with you.

I think you're awesome too.
Thank you.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

No, I just--
Here's the thing.

After we, you know, have sex--
Amazing sex, by the way,

the best sex I've had
in my life.

It's-- There's this--
It's the smell, right?

Yes. Yes, it is.
I'm-- My God.

There's this--
Something in your apartment,

and it's really,
really...

It's my butt.

Wow.
I don't-- Yikes.

I didn't mean
to come off like that.

I'm the one
who should apologize.

It's my smelly butt.

Uh, well, okay.

Are you, you know, okay?
[SIGHS]

I mean, are you,
like, dying or anything?

No.

[SIGHS]

It's just this thing that
happens to me when I have sex.

Okay.

The penetration hits
a muscle back there,

and afterwards,
it give me gas.

Hmm.

Yeah, it's gross,
I know.

No, hey, hey, hey.
Don't say that.

Listen. I just--
I didn't know what it--

Thank God
you have such a small penis.

Yeah.
Thank God it's...

Huh?

There were worse results
when I was dating

that center from the Knicks.

What do you mean
I have a small penis?

I'm sorr-- Really,
I'm not trying to be mean.

I-- I think you have
a great little penis.

Okay. Can we stop
calling it little, please?

Modest?
Yeah, that's-- No.

Petite?
Yeah, I don't--

Let's just call it little.
That's fine.

Everybody has flaws,
right, and--

I don't see them
as flaws.

I just think
they're who we are.

Yeah.
You know what?

I don't think
they're flaws either.

They're just who we are.
I like that.

So, you wanna come
upstairs?

Um...

Okay.
Okay.

However, tonight,
can we just...

cuddle?

[LAUGHS]
What?

Uh, these
are the Dougs.

These are all the Dougs
that work down at HQ.

No, guys.

None of these
are my Doug.

Besides, the more
I think about it,

the more I think
Doug's real first name

was something else.

You know,
people at the party,

they called him Doug,

but there was a different name
on his office door

when we went back to,
you know--

and plus, my Doug,
he had, like, a--

A beauty mark on his cheek,
kind of like Cindy Crawford.

You know, kind of like
you do, chief.

He had, like, masculine
and feminine stuff going on,

you know,
both at the same time.

Kind of like you do.

A-A-And you, too, chief.
You know?

I mean, both you guys,

you're both, like,
really strong, and--

And-- And very male,

but you each,
like,

definitely have, like,
some soft stuff going on too.

You know? It's what makes you
both so approachable, you know.

Anyway...

And what am I,
chopped liver?

I mean, he wants soft,
I have 40 pounds of soft.

Soft inside, Lou.

Gruff exterior,
soft inside.

You know what
I'm gonna do?

Ill sit with Mike
in front of the computer.

I'm gonna run by him
the name and the photo

of every male working down
at HQ till we find this Doug.

If we find anything,
I will rush in here

and give it to you
two approachable bitches.

[CHUCKLES]

Forty pounds.

You know,
it's more like 60.

How you doing?

Hey, sorry about this.

I'm just doing
my job.

My uncle was, uh, F.D.N.Y.,

Yeah?
Tommy Dunn.

I know Tommy.
He's a great guy.

Ill tell him
you said hello.

Please do. I'd love
to get in touch.

I'll give you his number.
let me, uh--

Let me grab a pen
and paper.

That's great, pal.
Thank you.

Yeah.
No problem.

So, uh, I guess
you're here to see me, eh?

Heh. No.

It was a nice try, though.

Nice try?
Yeah.

There's something
very heroic about a chief

who's willing to draw
all negative attention

onto himself
and away from his men.

Well, you see,
that's what a leader does.

Yeah.

You know,
this little charm act of yours

didn't work on me
the last time.

Look, I've done my research,
Chief Nelson.

A lot of firefighters
don't like

what's been going on
in your crew

for the last ten years.

Okay--
Okay, I know

that the conspiracy guy
is not you.

I know it's
the good-looking guy

with the cocky smile
and the do-me dimples,

who believes the government
purposely brought down

the Twin Towers as an excuse
to attack an enemy

in the Middle East.

And I find that
very interesting.

America, not so much.

They want sex.
Sex and drugs and murder.

So the idea
that Tommy Gavin slept

with his dead cousin's wife
for almost seven years,

brilliant.

And the fact
that Tommy Gavin's wife

had a baby
with his murdered cop brother

during the same period
of time, genius.

This kind of story
could make someone like me

a national name.

Your firehouse
may be considered

the bottom of the barrel
right now by the F.D.N.Y.,

but for me,
it is a goddamn gold rush.

[SCOFFS]

Well, you know,
in Italian,

there's a name
for people like you.

Really? What's that?

Miserable bitch.

I've got work to do.

Don't forget your broom.

Hey.

My card.
Thank you.

My uncle's info's
on the back.

Thanks, pal.

Thank you.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

TOMMY:
Where were you?

Traffic.

What do you got?

All right, look, the Doug
that Mike had sex with--

[SIGHS]
I know.

His name's not Doug,
but he still looks

like a young Michael Douglas,
and he's got a beauty mark
on his cheek just like mine.

You mean a mole?

It's a beauty mark,
okay?

Cindy Crawford's
got one.

Yeah. Cindy Crawford
also has tits.

Here's what I got
from Keppler.

She's gonna talk
about Johnny and Janet.

She's gonna talk
about you and Sheila.

We gotta get something
on this broad,

and we gotta
get it quick.

I got some information from one
of the guys on her crew.

Turns out somebody got
a DUI last month,

and there's
no police record of it,

which leads me
to believe

that the cops know
something we don't.

I reached out
to Johnny's old partner.

Dead end.
Moved to Seattle.

Here's what I need you
to do.

That cop you're
fighting with on the ice?

You find him, and you see
what he knows about this.

Todd? Todd hates me.

Pam Keppler hates you.

Keppler has a TV show.
Todd doesn't.

Find Todd.
See what he knows,

and if he does know
anything,

you do whatever
you need to do

to get
the information.

Whatever I need to do?
Yeah.

What are you implying?

I'm not implying anything.
I'm telling you.

Throw the game.
[SIGHS]

You realize this is--

The hockey game is for
the 10th anniversary of 9/11.

It's like the-- the biggest
charity hockey game we played.

It's in the memory
of our fallen brothers.

We're doing this
for our fallen brothers.

Look, she starts naming you
and Sheila,

she's gonna name
all the other firefighters

that are sleeping
with the widows.

Me and you know
it's about emotional bonding

and shared grief,
but to these people,

this is tawdry sex
and headlines, my friend.

There's chum in the water.
We gotta protect our own.

Tommy, this is for
the greater good.

What?

Cindy Crawford?
Yeah.

Pretty sure
she doesn't have hair

growing out
of her mole.

TOMMY:
Or a cock.

Hey, Todd.

TOMMY:
Hey.

Hold on a second.

What's going on?

Well, if it isn't TV's
Tommy Gavin.

To what do
I owe this pleasure, Tom?

Let me guess.
The F.D.N.Y. finally got rid

of your skinny, little ass,
and now you wanna be a cop.

Funny.
Listen, I, uh...

I need a favor.
Oh, my God.

Holy shit, Tom. Where are
the TV cameras and reporters

when you really need them.

You need a favor
from me?

Can I talk to you
a second?

TODD:
D-D-Don't touch.

Here's the deal.

This, uh, broad,
she's, uh...

She's gonna do a story
about my wife and my brother.

Now, obviously,
that's not good news for me,

and I would have gone through
Johnny's old partner,

but as you know,
he moved to Seattle,

so I'm desperate.
I can use anything.

Old parking tickets,
a DUL.

I don't know.
Anything you can dig up.

And, uh, you know...

[SIGHS]

I'd be willing
to trade up on this.

[, you know...
Almost willing to do anything.

I'll even throw
the anniversary game.

You can kiss my fat Irish ass,
numb nuts.

What?

We don't play
fixed games, Tom,

especially against teams
we know we can beat, all right?

And another thing.
I highly recommend

you keep your head up
tomorrow afternoon,

because I'm gonna kick
your midget dick

all over the ice.

Thanks for nothing.

TODD:
Yeah. You're welcome, Tom.

Asshole.

MAN 1:
It's a tie, brothers.

F.D.N.Y., four, N.Y.P.D., four.

[CROWD WHISTLING & CHEERING]

On, hey, listen.
Before I forget,

it took us a while,
but I finally got Mike

to remember
the name of his friend,

you know, his little--
Ah!

- -buddy from
the Christmas party.

Doug is his name.

And some other pertinent
information.

Do with it
what you like.

I'm just saying I still don't
feel right about it.

Like I feel like a rat.

SHAWN:
Relax, Mike,

you're doing it
for the good

of the entire crew,
all right?

What are you
talking about?

It's us against them.

They play dirty.
We play dirty.

Remember
what Needles said.

What?

What did Needles say?

You're a moron?

No. That wasn't it.

Fight fire with fire.

Pfft! Well, I would've
remembered that. Hello.

All right, everybody!
Hey, shut up! Listen up!

Lot of you firemen know

I can't drink no more

for reasons you cops
already have on file.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Well, here's a guy
who ain't an alcoholic,

but he just retired,

and he's doing everything
in his power

to become one.

Chief Lugnut Lombardi.

[ALL CHEER]

Go ahead, chief.

LUGNUT:
All right. Thank you.

Thanks, everybody.
Thank you.

It was an honor

to watch two fine departments

do battle out there
together

for a great,
great cause.

Game ended in a tie,
deservedly so.

Now, let's decide who wins
the drinking contest.

[ALL CHEERING]

Hey, guys, as captain
of the police team,

some people think a tie game
is like kissing your sister.

[ALL LAUGH]

But in honor of those

that died on both sides
on that fateful day,

this seems more like
throwing a friendly arm

around all our firefighting
brothers.

[ALL CHEERING]

Now, uh, I just got
something to say.

Too bad 9/11 wasn't a tie,

because the last time
I looked,

it was firefighters, 343,

N.Y.P.D., 23.

[CROWD MURMURS]

MAN 2:
Hey! Screw you, dick face.

Whatever! Unh!

[ALL GRUNTING]

MAN 3:
You want some of this?

Whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Whoa.

What are you doing?
What do you mean? What?

I came out here
to help you.

You remember you asked me
to dig stuff up

on that news broad,
the one

that's doing
the story about you?

Yeah.
Well, guess what, pal.

Jackpot.

Larry Lochness,
meet Tommy Gavin.

Hey. Seen you on TV.

Lochness works out
of the 15th, all right.

He's an old buddy of mine.
So get this.

Picks up Pam Keppler
about a year and a half ago

on a cocaine
possession charge.

He recognizes her
right away.

She begs to get out of it,
Tom, all right?

So Lochness decides
to offer her a deal.

And?
She blew me.

TOMMY:
What?

Ah, yeah.
Look at it.

Wha--? Whoa!

Yeah. Oh, it's her.

No, no. I know it's her.
What's that?

Now you know
why they call me Lochness.

[GASPS]

He's got video on there,
too, Tom.

Take her down,
all right?

She's a hypocrite
and a cokehead,

and she's calling
you out?

Guys, this is awesome.

I don't know what to say.
I owe you guys.

We're not doing this
for you, Tom, okay?

We're doing this for our
brother, Johnny. Okay?

You think we want his good name
stomped on by some TV coke slut?

Let me tell you
something.

As good as a fireman
you're supposed to be,

your brother Johnny
was ten times a better cop.

All right, so you take
this stuff, Tom,

and you go ruin
that broad, all right?

Make sure Johnny's name
doesn't get mentioned.

Okay?
Okay.

Oh, oh.
And one more thing.

What?
Take this.

[GRUNTS]

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]

Who the hell
called the cops?

I did.

You're getting your asses
kicked.

I figured you could use
some backup.

TOMMY:
Oh, man.

Another ginger ale,
Tom?
No.

[POLICEMAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[CROWD YELLING INDISTINCTLY
INSIDE BAR]

After you.

COLLEEN:
I just can't, okay?

TOMMY: What's going on?
I am so sick of this!

Okay, I'm sick of all
of it!

Just get
out of my way!

What the--?
What's going on?

You ruined the wedding,
Dad. You ruined it,

and everyone at school's
making fun of me

because my dad gave
the finger in the paper!

Oh. Jeez.

What the hell's...?

What's happening?

Hello.

You gonna bring him up
to speed, or...?

[JANET SIGHS]

Okay, the new place
that Shawn and Colleen

were looking at
for their wedding,

they saw that
the last name was Gavin,

that you're the firefighter
who's been in all the papers--

And they told them both
to take a hike.

No, it was two places,
okay?

The second place,
we told them
you weren't my father,

and they found out.
Know what?

Right now,
I really wish you weren't.

Hey, Colleen.
That's enough.

Hey, you know what?

You come out here right now,
and you apolo--

[GRUNTS]

Holy shit!
Wait, wait--

What the hell? You--

Colleen, get your ass
out here

and clean this mess up.

COLLEEN: Go to hell!
Pfft!

COLLEEN:
I hate you, Daddy!

Please let me pay
for the wedding

and let me get
one of those other places.

JANET:
No, Sheila. No.

How many times do I have
to tell you? No.

Wow, wow, wow.
Calm down.

I'm just trying
to help you, so--

Does it look like
it's helping?

No. You are making
things worse.

Okay, can I just ask
a question? Okay?

Are you guys all
Lance Armstronging?

Oh, you--
I'm just asking, okay?

What's go--?
What's the place?

What are you talking
about? What place?

I'm talking about...

There's a place in Jersey

near where I take Damian
for his German aqua therapy.

Then there's a place
in Connecticut

near where I take him
for movement therapy.

They are both mansions.
Mansions.

They are both gorgeous,
and they're both expensive.

I want to pay.

I wanna pay
for the whole thing, okay?

No one's gonna know
out there

that your face
was all over the papers,

and besides which...

[SIGHS]

Colleen and Mike
changed their minds

about Mike
designing the dress,

because he has come across
a dress that he,

and I'm quoting, says
"is to die for."

JANET:
Okay, Tommy,

I do not want her to pay
for our daughter's wedding,

especially when she
is not even involved.

Oh, my God.
Yeah.

Ask her.
Wha--? What?

How many times
do I have to tell you

I want her to be
in the wedding?

Yes, and she made it
abundantly clear

that she does not want
to be in the wedding

if Uncle Mickey
is involved,

and your uncle Mickey deserves
to be in the wedding, right?

Do you want me
to start drinking again?

Is that
what you guys want?

No.
I never asked for anything,

and now Sheila
wants to help.

I don't understand--
I can't afford

the kind of wedding
you want.

We can't even afford
the dress.
Unh!

Tommy, tell her.

I don't want Colleen
to drink anymore.

No one's gonna drink anymore.
Okay, Sheila,

I can handle
my own kids.

Okay?
Okay.

No one is gonna
drink anymore.

Oh, wow. That was
So much better.

Watch your mouth!
Hey!

What--?
You know what?

I need a drink.

[ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

JANET: Absolutely not.
TOMMY: Hey! Hey!

Hey!

What the hell?

You gotta be
shitting me.

Nobody's gonna drink, okay?

Everybody calm down.

How much money
we talking about?

Eight grand.

For the wedding?

BOTH:
For the dress.

Tsk. I need a whiskey.

JANET:
No!

[ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

[WYATT SCREAMS]

What's he trying
to tell us?

Probably that he wants to be
put up for adoption.

[CRYING]

All right.

Katy, Colleen,
take him into his room.

Let's go.
Hurry up.

JANET:
And clean up that mess.

TOMMY:
You two, sit down.
I wanna talk to you right now.

Hurry up, girls.

Really? Okay.

I am sick and tired

of being treated like
a ghost around here, okay?

You wanna start talking
about, you know,

uh, father figures?

Well, I ain't no figure.

I'm the real deal,

and I'm gonna lay some, uh,

new laws down around here,
okay?

First of all, Sheila is gonna be
a part of that wedding.

Wha--?
Uh-uh!

Done deal.
And she's gonna need somebody

to walk her down the aisle,

because God knows
Damian ain't gonna do it.

Listen to me.

You've been sold
a bill of goods

by a series of snake oll
salesmen, okay?

Nobody's had the balls
to say this to you,

but I just got my balls back,
so I'm gonna say it.

Mickey was right.

The kid is as is, all right?

He ain't ever getting
out of that wheelchair.

So-- Uh-uh! Sit down.

You're in that wedding,

and Mickey's gonna be
in that wedding.

[SCOFFS]

And you can wipe that little
smirk off your face, sweetheart,

because I got some news
for you too.

Sheila is paying
for that wedding.

Wha--?
And we're-- Uh-uh!

Listen, you wanna
see Colleen

passed-out shitfaced again,
on a beach somewhere? Huh?

Can you put a price tag
on her, sobriety?

I don't think so.

So we're taking
Sheila's money,

and Colleen's gonna have
the greatest day

in the history of all the days
that she's ever gonna have.

That's what we're doing.

And I'm gonna pay back all that
money, every single penny of it.

You can bet your pretty
little asses on that.

COLLEEN:
Yay.

Oh. Oh, come on in, girls.
Join the party.

Maybe you'll learn
a thing or two.

All right, this is
a dysfunctional family.

I know. Call the newspapers.
There's a headline for you.

It's a family
full of drunks

and drug addicts
and liars...

and cheaters and...

s-stealers.

Okay?

We've lied and cheated

and stole our way around each
other for God knows how long,

and where did we end up?

Where'd it get us?
Nowhere.

Yeah, that's right.
Nowhere.

Right back here
where we started.

That's where we ended up,
where we all belong.

Now, some people would say that
the truth will set you free.

The truth is, you know...

The truth will cleanse
you and--

And elevate your spirit.

I say that the truth

can kiss our lying
Irish asses,

because I'll tell you something:

the truth will be used
by the enemy,

the outside world,
as ammunition against us.

And believe me, they're getting
ready to do exactly that,

but I have a secret evil plan
that plays to our strengths.

A plan that involves lying
and cheating and stealing.

You know,
they're always saying--

The media's always
talking about,

on TV and in the magazines
and everything, that sex sells.

Well, we are gonna sell them
right down the goddamn river.

Listen.

Please believe me when I say
that you need to accept the fact

that Damian is never
getting out of that wheelchair,

and I'm telling you this...
because I love you.

And as much as I love her,
I love you even more.

All right, girls.
I want this place cleaned up

by the time I get back,
spic and span.

Sheila, outside. I'm gonna
give you your assignment now.

I'm gonna go pick up
my godson

from that God-awful
aromatherapy bullshit class.

Till then, toodles.

Hold it up. Up.

Oh. Move it.

Hi, I am so glad
that you decided
to do this.

It'll give you
a chance to--

To tell your side
of the story,

to give us--
Let us experience

the emotional side of 9/11
and its aftermath.

Mm-hm.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Thank you.

Are you ready?

I think I need some water.

Yes. Water!
Water, please.

I changed my mind.

[SIGHS]

Okay.
Rolling.

So after
your husband's death,

after they found
only his finger

in the wreckage and rubble
at Ground Zero,

did you find yourself turning
to certain family members

for healing

to deal with the grief
and the anguish?

Do you mean Tommy?

Yes. Uh...

Did you find yourself turning
to his brother in arms,

his best friend,
and his cousin,
Tommy Gavin?

Hell, yeah.

Baby, I banged
his brains out.

We had mad, insane,
explosive sex

almost every single time

we put our hands
on each other,

and you wanna know why?

Because we could.

Sometimes we had angry sex,
sometimes we had happy sex,

and sometimes we had "atom bomb
going off in the apartment" sex,

but one thing
was always certain,

and that was,
every single time
Tommy was inside of me,

I never thought
about my dead hero husband.

I just enjoyed the ride.

I even have some video.

Uh--
You know,

because when Tommy
and I had sex,

we did it because
we really--

We needed it
desperately.

You know,
we hungered for it.

And it was a pretty
honest transaction,

because we got
what we wanted

out of each other,
you know.

Kind of just like...

[SNIFFS]

...this.

LARRY:
Yeah, Pam. Aw, suck it.

Suck it. Yeah.

Ahh!
Oh!

Sit down, big mouth.

And when I say
"big mouth,"

I think we all know how big
it is now, don't we?

Sit down.

You drop that story,

or I swear to Christ that'll
end up on YouTube. Yeah?

What's that
you guys say now?

That's a wrap?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Bye.

WOMAN:
Let's pack it up.

MAN 1: Let's break it down.
MAN 2: Yeah.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[BUZZER BUZZES]

Hello.

Uh, I have an appointment,

uh, with Supervisor Balsbaugh

in Lt. Hanrahan's office.
I'm a little late.

They're waiting for you.

Sorry.

JOEY: Sheil.
Joey.

Come onin.
Mwah!

This is Supervisor
Balsbaugh.

Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

Lt. Hanrahan is, uh,
two seconds away.

Okay.
How you doing?

You know, Joey,
I've been better.

We thought
we saw you

talking to that
news station.

You know, it's a terrible mess
they started here.

I'm sorry about all this, and
I hope you told her what's what.

Let's cut to the chase here,
Mrs. Keefe.

I didn't know your husband
personally,

but I know who he was,

what he did for his country
on that fateful day.

His record is the reason

we agreed to sit
and talk to you.

We owe him that. We owe you
that anytime you desire it.

But let's be clear here.

This whole business
ain't about your husband.

It's about your boyfriend.

He's a scourge,
a stain on this department,

and if you think coming
down and pleading his case
is gonna change anything,

guess again.
He's out for 30 days,

and if I had my way,
maybe forever.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm dead serious,
Mrs. Keefe.

Soam I.

Oh, Lt. Hanrahan.

Robert D. Hanrahan?

Yes.

Welcome, Mrs. Keefe.
II...

I saw you on the TV.

Oh, I know.

Your friends call
you Doug, right?

Uh, that's right.
Feel free to do the same.

Okay, Dougie boy.
Dougie Doug. Heh, heh.

Wow.
It's hot in here.

[, um...
I need a drink.

Um, those flowers there

are from Mike Silletti
at 62 truck.

You remember him,
right?

He has a little birthmark,
a little brown birthmark,

kind of like the one
that you have on your cheek,

except that his is on his ass.

Ooh.

Sexy.

[MOANS]

Do you guys--? I'm sorry.

No?

Phew.

Yeah!

[CHUCKLING]

Bouncy.
Good for you.

Isn't having booze in here

against department regulations?

But then again, so is having
sex in here after hours. Yeah?

Mike said something about...

Wait a minute.

You're not a policeman,
are you?

[SHEILA CHUCKLES]

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Hey. What happened?

Operation oral sex
is officially over.

Balsbaugh told Dougie Doug
to clean out his desk

once he saw the cuffs
and the bar,

and Keppler has left me
two messages,

offering me cash
to burn the video.

You, my dear,
are back on duty.

Wow.

You know,
we should be, uh...

We should be working
for, um, TMZ.

Right. Secrets
and lies. Ha, ha.

Good old-fashioned
American way.

How's my kid?
He's good.

And he smells good,
which is one of the, uh,

few benefits we're getting
from that aromatherapy class.

Smells like pizza.

Actually, that's me.

I-- I smell like pizza.

Hey, uh, Sheil?
Yes.

Um, you know,
I owe you bigtime for this.

No. No, I did
this for us.

I did this
for all of us.

For the brotherhood?

No, silly.

For the Gavins.

[PHONE BEEPS]

[♪♪]