Original subtitles

Oh, what's going on?

Sam and Jay are on high alert for another Christmas possession, so they're

planning it safe and not going near any electronics this year. Which I'm trying

not to take personally.

I'm the reason your mother -in -law likes you now, you ingrate.

So you just want me to plug this Christmas village in?

Uh -huh.

That's right. Better safe than sorry. This puppy draws a lot of current.

You know I'm going to have to charge you my regular rate, plus the holiday

surcharge. Yes, we are aware of that.

Alberta, what are you doing? I'm getting behind Mark in case he gets shocked and

thrown back.

You're trying to possess him, but this is our first Christmas together as a

couple. Oh, we'll be together.

I'll just be in Mark.

Man, it would be so cool to possess someone.

I've had the munchies for, like, half a century.

I'm a pacifist, but I'd murder somebody for a Pringle.

Okay. There goes nothing.

Huh?

Mama wanted a Sazerac.

Okay, so I'll send you guys a bill.

Merry Christmas, Mark.

Look, Trevor, way in the back, the orthodontist has a little menorah in the

window. I want to say that's an offensive stereotype, but he looks a lot

Dr. Rosenblatt.

This dope, seriously buying gifts on December 23rd that can be here by

It's like this every year. When's he gonna learn?

Okay, you are not going to believe this. I just got off the phone with a

publisher, and apparently a booker on All Day USA listened to my Todd Pod

interview, and he wants to include my book in a segment on last -minute gift

ideas.

It's crazy how long some people wait.

He didn't get you the Jenny Kane sweater because it was already sold out. Hope

you enjoy your Best Buy gift card.

Samantha, this is huge for our book.

Me, a stocking stuffer.

This is incredible, babe. I'm so proud of you. And we go, she'll be able to

witness the interview in person, for it shall take place here in the mansion

that I built. I mean, you didn't actually do any of the labor.

I married the man that signed the checks that paid for the gruel that fueled

those young child workers.

Sort of a sad little nursery rhyme.

I'm so nervous and so excited. I mean, national television.

What am I going to wear?

Maybe see what they have at the women's department at Best Buy.

cozy. Everyone has hot cocoa in Christmastown. Even that baby. That

safe. We all have questions about gifts for flower.

What the hell?

Did I do that?

Step back for a second, Thor. I want to see something.

Okay, now come closer again.

It's wild.

Thor, your ghost power must be interacting with the electrical grid in

Christmastown. Yes.

Thor feel power surging through body.

Ow.

Okay, let's get you away from this thing before you burn down the whole house.

Yeah.

Wait, what were you asking? Something about a Christmas gift for Flower?

Yeah, I really want to wow her, but not know what to get.

Well, what you gonna last here?

Coupon for intercourse.

And candle, so yeah.

Boss said pretty high.

Okay. Has Flower mentioned anything in particular that she wants?

World peace and also food. She often mentioned how she had munchies for many

years. Well, unfortunately, there's no way to enjoy food or Sazerac short of

possessing a living.

Interesting. So you're saying Thor should help Flower possess living for

Christmas? I mean, if you could pull that off, that'd be a pretty amazing

Yes! Then it is decided.

Thor will get Flower and living for Christmas.

And sex coupon, because tradition.

Hello, all.

Hi. You have got to learn how to enter a room, woman.

I see it's not just the downstairs.

This room also reeks of Christmas.

What are you so upset about?

Uh, the tree, the decorations, the general merriment that is so clearly

Wait, the merriment is afoot?

Huh, so Stephen Stoltz had a merriment fetish.

I'm confused.

Don't Puritans love Christmas?

Puritans love Christmas.

Oh, I would laugh were that not a trick the devil uses to enter thine body. No,

there is only one proper way to celebrate Christmas, which is not at

You see, Puritans believed that to revel was a gateway to sin. Buckle up. It's

time for another depressing history lesson.

So, on Christmas, there was no mirth in sight.

Shops remained open.

Work continued unabated. And you would be fined for doing anything even close

celebrating. It was wonderful.

Well, you've given us all a lot to think about. And then came the tinsel. Oh,

it's still going.

Fun!

How are you feeling, babe?

You ready?

Today's a big day. I'm freaking out, Jay. You should be nervous. This

is huge for both of us.

National television.

Thousands of people could be watching.

It could be millions.

My God.

The 13 colonies must be bursting at the seams.

Hey, you got this, babe. You can put the toothbrush down. The mayor's car is

clean.

Why do you think he drives such a fancy car? You think he's taking bribes for

permits?

Peppermint?

Is this helping, Sam?

No. I'm sorry, Jay. I just really need to collect my thoughts. All right. But

you're going to do great, babe.

You think?

I know it.

Oh, have permits. That's good.

Yeah, I get it.

Sam, you got the moment?

She's kind of in a mood. I'm a little busy, Thor. Just need a little help with

flower gift.

Wanted to ask your opinion.

I'm sure whatever you have in mind is perfect.

Okay, but Thor wants to tell you and then have extensive conversation where

tell Thor how you feel about the idea. You know what, Thor? Why don't you just

let us all be surprised so we can experience the gift, whatever it is,

with Flower?

Yes. Great idea, Isaac.

Surprise Flower, surprise me, and have a Merry Christmas.

Okay. And, um... Flower!

Come in here!

Oh, it's happening right now.

Hey, Thor. What's up?

Stand there by Samantha.

Okay.

What's going on?

Thor? Merry Christmas, Thor!

Oh, dear.

Whoa.

Am I wearing a bra?

Hey, who shaved my piss, man?

Okay, something very weird is going on.

Is it less pink in here?

Flower, you are inside of Sam.

This giant animal used his ghost power to channel electricity from the

village and hurled Sam's body through you, thus resulting in yet another

Christmas possession.

Thor, you did that for me?

Aw. No, not aw. Samantha has a very important interview about her book, and

need you out of her body post -haste. Interview?

Who will not know about it?

Thor,

what did you do?

Sir. Samantha?

Yeah, it's me, and you're in big trouble.

But you tell Thor to surprise you. Yes, because I didn't think you meant this.

Okay, so you were surprised. Sort of seemed like a mission accomplished. Now

that that misunderstanding is cleared up, we can take care of this. Right.

Okay, Flower, I'm going to drive you over the boundary and get you out of my

body. Wait, Flower have munchies for many years. Please just let her eat one

thing. Make Thor's Christmas gift complete.

Fine.

Flower, you can have one thing, but then I want my body back, and I can't keep

saying this every Christmas.

Okay, Flower.

It's your time to shine.

Did it used to be more pink in here?

Take a bite of cookie and satisfy munchies. Okay.

I'll possess them. What a very generous Christmas gift from Thor.

Okay, Flower, you've had your fun, but it's time to go. How long have you been

in there? A couple of minutes.

What? That's not long enough.

Samantha has a very important interview in an hour, and she needs to focus.

An hour? That's plenty of time. Flower, listen to me. Run to the light and shut

the door behind you. No, no, there's not time.

Excuse my hairless piss.

Okay, Nancy, you're not being helpful right now.

I'm just looking after my girl. When you possessed that workman back in the

1800s, you were in that dude for days.

What I do inside of a dude is none of your business.

Everyone stop!

This is not a problem.

Flower can have her fun. Then before interview, she leaves Sam's body. Right,

Flower?

Wait.

Where'd she go?

Flower has absconded with Sam's body. Hell yeah!

You disgust me, fat man.

Oh, hey, Patience. Oh, you left just in time. They're upstairs singing the 12

Days of Christmas. I had to get out of there. Trevor, also have disdain for the

vile celebration of this holiday?

I didn't want to say anything in front of the others. I'd prefer to let you

corner the wet blanket market.

No, thank you. Just kind of my thing.

But if I'm being honest, I'm not the biggest fan of Christmas either.

Really? I was like the only Jewish kid in my town growing up. And so when the

holidays rolled around, I always felt a little like I didn't belong.

And in elementary school, every Christmas pageant, they made me stand up

and sing dreidel, dreidel, dreidel.

Patience understands.

It's like that winter when I was spared from the great pox, but all of my

siblings perished.

Why not me?

Yeah. Um, not exactly the same.

Thank you for talking with me, Trevor.

Patience is enjoying herself.

Ah, but not too much, right?

Val gets it.

So, yeah, flowers running around in a brand -new Sam suit.

Oh, that lucky son of a bitch.

Mark, that could have been us.

Oh, hi, Mark.

Hey, David.

Is that... Woodstone? That looks amazing.

I helped build it.

We've been working on it for the last few weeks.

My kid wants to be a contractor, so we started with the gingerbread house.

What did we pay afterwards on?

Well, I'll send you an invoice.

That is so cute.

But you're not really charging me, right?

No, it's a gift. Merry Christmas.

Hi. Gary from All Day USA. We're here to introduce Sam Arendaker. That's gonna

be difficult.

Great. Well, I'm Jay.

I'm Sam's husband. Uh, yeah, she was around here. Sam!

Sam!

I'll just go look for her. Follow the smell of burning bras.

You'll find her.

Amanda, you're an amazing person.

And the love that you put out into the universe is going to come back to you

tenfold.

Well, thank you.

I had no idea you were so spiritual.

Yeah, I once slept with the Dalai Lama's brother.

What is happening right now? I'd say Samantha got into my laudanum, but I

think it has that kind of shelf life.

Oh, hey, Gabe.

How's it going, man?

Good. Say, listen, do you know anywhere that someone could score around here?

I just cook.

Oh, come on, Gabe. I'm cool.

I heard pot's a lot stronger these days. I haven't smoked any since the 60s. How

old are you? Oh, my God. Crazy bastard did it.

Flower, is that you?

Yeah, it's me. Hey, guys.

What? Oh, sorry. I was just talking to my friend who used to be a virgin. But

he's invisible to you.

Okay. I want what you have.

Why is the virgin thing, Jermaine?

What is going on?

Thor wanted to help Flower possess someone for Christmas, and I guess he

So, can you hook it up or not?

Look, I have something, but it might be a little intense.

Dude, I used to party with Bobby and Jerry.

I hugged a bear after Woodstock and lived to talk about it. No, no, you

The point is, I can handle it.

Okay.

It's called mistletoe.

Whoa. You just put this under your tongue, and when you see God, tell him

said, What's up?

Flower, here comes Jay.

Who? Um, God, our Heavenly Father.

There you are. We gotta get you back to the house, Sam. What are you doing back

here? Oh, I... I was just getting drugs from Gabe.

That's hilarious.

Come on, let's go.

We should probably go watch that. Oh, hell yeah.

So then I said to Goody Mather that I could finish the quilt by sunrise.

Oh, my candle did burn low that night.

I love it. You've got that grind mentality.

You know it did?

I've got to say, patience, even though this is not my favorite season, I'm

having a pretty good time.

I guess it's true what they say.

Misery loves company.

Oh, indeed.

She also loved making little corn husk dolls and saying the Lord's Prayer.

Misery was a woman of many hobbies.

You're mischievous.

What's that?

Oh, it's a Yiddish word.

Yiddish is sort of like Hebrew.

I always had an interest in Hebrew.

You know, the language he spoke.

Well, I don't really know that much Hebrew. I can count to ten.

Oh, I would very much like to hear that sometime.

It's cool that you're so interested in Jewish stuff.

I know a little about Puritan stuff. I went on a field trip to a colonial

village in the fifth grade. My favorite part, the butter churning. But I could

never quite get it.

Oh,

you're not going to get butter like that.

No, it is less of a circular motion and more like this.

One, two, three. It is important to keep a rhythm.

One, two, three.

Perhaps count with me.

In the language of your people.

If that's what you want.

Slower.

I think this butter is firming.

Oh, yeah, it is.

You know, makeup is just a tool the patriarchy uses to keep women down, man.

Are you okay, babe?

Oh, wow.

You're... Your beard is so soft.

Okay. Oh, very happy you like Christmas present, but time to let Sam do

interview now, Flower.

And she's asleep.

Babe? They're ready for you, Sam.

Sam!

You ready?

Yeah, man. Groovy.

This is gonna be a train wreck.

All right, here we are. Walter, this is Sam. Hey, Walter Storm, All Day USA.

Very nice to meet you.

I had them set us up here in front of this gingerbread house. Pretty cool,

Cool.

Okay, babe, you got this.

Can someone get him out of the shot?

Jay,

the fire's inside me. Do something.

Oh, hey, actually, can we just have five more minutes?

Nope. We're live in five, four, three.

And we're live here with author Samantha Arendekar to talk to her about her

historical fiction book about vampires. Oh, no!

Not vampires.

They're scary.

What kind of historical research did you do for the novel?

Um, seven.

What? Teen.

Seventeen. I'm sorry? Tell him you unearthed... previously undiscovered

source documents.

I found something in the earth.

Was that good?

Uh, moving on to theme.

What was it about vampires that piqued your interest?

Whoa. Is that a giant cookie house?

What is she doing to the gingerbread house?

I don't know.

Okay, sweetie, I think that's enough. Hey, get your own cookie house, man.

It's like watching Godzilla trample Candyland.

Okay. The book is Isaac Higgintooth's Colonial Vampire. Available online and

bookstores now.

Pick up yours today.

Impressive composure under difficult circumstances.

He's a pro.

You made out with patience? There was Hebrew and churning. Things got out of

hand. We just couldn't stop ourselves.

This is a wild turn of events.

And now I'm freaking out because, you know, it's patience.

Puritans don't do casual hookups. She probably thinks we're engaged now.

Trevor, we need to speak.

I wanted to talk about what happened earlier.

About our sensual union.

I should go.

Please stay. I have prayed on it, and I have come to the conclusion that we

cannot be together.

Oh, I mean, oh, no, why not? I do not want to hurt you, but we come from

two different worlds. I do not think it could ever work out.

Well, I was hoping for something serious, but if that's how you feel... I

there was some other way, for I am sad as well.

Goodbye, Trevor.

No harm, no foul.

Yeah, except you just got dumped by patients.

Any chance that stays between us? Well, would it be embarrassing for you if it

got out?

A little.

Then no.

Okay, Sam. I mean, Flower.

Here we go.

I don't want to hear it, Flower. And you, I can't believe you, Thor.

That was not cool, big guy.

Oh, very sorry, but maybe somehow this help book sales maybe now seem sort of

hot to a girl of books.

You guys knew today was a big deal for me. Why didn't anyone do anything to

help? Oh, but Samantha, what could we do?

We're ghosts. You know we love you, Sam. We screwed up. But can't we just get to

the part where you forgive us and we can all have a Merry Christmas?

No. Not this time.

Because that interview aired.

And just like you guys, it'll be around forever.

Don't know why we need to drag our immortality into this.

Babe, let's just go to sleep and calm down and tomorrow's another day.

Exactly. It's another day of living with this curse.

Another chance for a ghost to ruin something that's important to me.

God, I wish I had never gotten this power.

I wish I had never been able to see ghosts.

Dude, flower at least like Christmas gift.

What'd you get me?

You don't remember possessing Sam?

What?

No. Oh, but that would have been amazing. I have had the munchies for

years.

Jay?

Hey, guys.

Oh. Okay, I see.

Giving me the silent treatment.

Don't mind Thor for not sitting there.

What the hell?

Jay? Surprise!

Carol!

What are you doing here? You got sucked off. You're right. And I've been having

a blast up there. I can't say too much.

But they have pickleball.

That's it. That's all I'll say.

Carol, what is happening?

I'm your little Christmas Carol.

You see, around Christmas, we Carols are given special powers, including the

ability to grant wishes.

Oh. Also, we can give out candy canes.

I think there's been some sort of misunderstanding. I didn't make a wish.

Oh, yes, you did. You said, and I quote, I wish I had never been able to see

ghosts.

Okay, so why are you here? I'm here to show you what your life would be like if

you'd never tripped on that vase, if you had never fallen down the stairs.

if you had never gained the ability to see ghosts.

Wow. So let's get this started. Sam, you're coming with me.

Well, that was supposed to whoosh us away, but it's my first time. Hey, I

to get some steps in anyway. Let's go.

You know, Carol, I'm actually feeling a little silly about this whole wishing

not to see ghosts thing.

Holy crap, am I day drinking with Sasha and Libby?

Sam, this eggnog is delicious.

And these gingerbread men you made.

So cute.

Not to brag, but I think this one is flirting with me.

Look at you, just enjoying a little Christmas Eve tipple with two of your

closest gal pals.

But I don't get it. Sasha thinks I'm crazy.

No, Sasha thought you were crazy because she caught you performing a seance for

the ghosts. And she thought you and Jay were murderers. But that was because of

the ghosts. In this world, none of that happened.

So she thinks I'm sane.

Yep, and not just sane.

Funny. Short, bald, and covered in crumbs. I'm sorry, is this the

man or the guy I dated before Jay?

Sam, you are hilarious.

Without the goats interrupting you all the time, you're actually a much better

conversationalist. Man, I love to see these ladies in bikinis. How does this

place not have a hot tub?

Disgusting. Bright.

But you can't hear him, so you don't care. I hate to say it, but we've got to

run. Next time at my place?

Uh, do you have wine?

Of course. Then, yeah, I think I'll be there.

So, what am I doing now?

Oh, just sitting there.

Since you're not always taking care of the ghosts, you actually have time to

yourself. Whoa.

I can't remember the last time I just sat and read a book.

And look at me. I don't even mind that Trevor's reading over my shoulder.

I'm pretty sure he's trying to look down your dress, but hey, you don't know, so

who cares?

Stupid camisole. I'm getting nothing.

So, if I have all this free time, I guess that means the B &B still isn't

very well.

Are you kidding?

Without the ghost to worry about, you've really been able to throw yourself into

making this place a success.

The B &B is thriving.

Woodstone B &B, how may I help you?

Freddy. He used to work here. He was incredible, but he... Quit? He quit

of the ghosts. But now he's all in on Woodstone. I'm so sorry. We don't have

availability until January 17th. Hold on. The B &B is sold out?

Great. We'll see you then.

Who keeps searching Girls Gone Wild on this thing?

I should have gone to Arizona State.

I'm home!

Hey, Freddie.

Jay, I missed you. I missed you, too.

Uh -oh.

Mistletoe.

She could do so much better.

I gotta admit, this life looks pretty great.

And Trevor seems pretty much the same.

How are the other ghosts doing?

Well, why don't we find out?

Huh, still not working.

Looks like we're up in it again.

And that concludes my lecture on different kinds of knots.

Tomorrow, Thorfinn will be giving a talk on trout.

Will be similar to Herring's lecture, but more trout -focused.

I'm in hell.

Okay, so this all seems pretty standard. I guess the ghosts are just doing the

same kind of stuff they did before I met them.

So, Alberta, are you excited for our upcoming wedding?

Aw, Alberta and Pete are getting married. That's sweet.

Yeah, I mean, I get to sing, which will be a nice little treat for everybody.

Although I may be a little surprised they're finally going through with it.

Oh, so it's not Pete and Alberta.

You know what? If they're happy, I'm happy. Well, one of them is definitely

happy. Carol, who are they talking about?

Hello.

I look forward to seeing you at our nuptials this afternoon.

Isaac and Hedy? But that is impossible.

And yet in this world, it's happening.

Your wish.

We just wanted to remind you that the ceremony is to begin promptly at 2 o

'clock. Weather permitting, of course.

The wedding is indoors, my love?

Right, right, right.

Could be a tornado.

No, no.

The only tornado should be tonight.

In our marriage.

Wait, Carol, what is going on? Isaac can't marry Hedy? He's gay.

Why did you whisper that?

I don't know. It seemed like a weird thing to shout.

Here's the thing. Isaac only came out because you were there to support him.

Without you, he still hasn't figured out who he truly is.

Huh. I guess I did have kind of a big effect on him. You've had a big effect

all of them.

Without you, Alberta never found out who killed her.

Thor's still having his night terrors, and Pete never learned he could leave

property. He never even tried?

He was told he couldn't, and the man loves rules. He won a goldfish at the

fair once and reported it on our taxes.

Let me guess. He also tried to report a free sample from the grocery store?

It's actually the other Sam that's funny. Come on, I have a lot to show

Christmas is always one of the toughest times to be dead, wondering about my

family.

Are they doing okay?

Do they even think about me?

They do.

Your daughter, Laura, named her son after you.

Pete doesn't know that.

In this world, you never invited me here to dedicate that weird bench.

Pete never watched Laura get married.

He doesn't even know little Pete.

Oh, also, Mrs. Family, leave behind young son.

We'll never get to know what he like as man.

No, Thor, your son is like 100 yards away.

Tragic. I hope he grew up to be.

Great warrior.

Kill many Danes and never eat best friend.

What? Nothing.

Random example not taken from Thor's life.

The nice thing about the holidays is that the girls on the dating apps are

lonely as hell.

I'm talking like six separate livings right now. One may fly in from Miami to

meet up. And what do you hope happens when she gets here? I don't know. Maybe

she'll choke on something and die. It happens.

I get it. Sex with women. Nothing like it.

Which I know because of the 43 times.

Oh, that's right. Sass is still hiding the fact that he's a virgin.

This is painful.

Has anyone found love? What about Thor and Flower?

Not even close.

Flower fell into the well two years ago.

Flower's in the well?

Well, she was until you filled it with cement.

So now she's lost in the dirt, a fact she keeps forgetting and then quickly

rediscovers in an endless cycle of horror.

Okay, so is that it? Or do you have more bad news to show me?

More bad news.

The basement ghosts are really upset about your shiny new water heater.

Wait.

Everyone shut up. I think I heard a gurgle.

Oh, there it is again.

Sorry, that was my tummy.

Oh, damn it, Stuart.

You got our hopes up for nothing, you toad's ass. This newfangled water heater

hasn't made a peep since that blonde witch put it in.

God, I hate her. She's very rude.

Last week I saw her drop a piece of pizza on the ground and pick it up and

it. And it fell cheese side down.

I think we can move on.

What's going on here?

Hattie, I need to talk to you about the wedding.

Are you still waffling on a best man? I do agree, slim pickings, but Sassonis

probably presents the most handsome stage picture.

No, it's...

It's more than that. Oh, my gosh. Is he going to tell her? Could you just watch?

You'd be a very annoying person to go see a movie with.

Maybe we push it.

What? Why rush a wedding in the dead of winter when spring is just around the

corner? We were supposed to get married in spring.

Last spring. And you wanted to push till summer, citing the April racket of the

birds. But then summer was too hot, and then fall came around, and you started

whining about how it's the season when you're most sleepy.

I've always been very sleepy in the fall. Everyone knows that. Isaac, what's

wrong?

If there is something else going on, just tell me.

Well, actually... Come on.

Isaac, tell her.

She's your dearest friend. You can trust her.

Wedding prank.

I'm sorry, what?

You've been wedding pranked.

Score one for Higgintoot. You should have seen the look on your face. You

freaking out. Indeed.

We don't want to have this talk again.

Oh, sounds like the show's about to start. Come on. It's Christmas Eve. You

can't go back into the city already. You just got home.

I don't know what you want me to tell you. I have to work.

These two back at it.

Classic Sam and Jay fight. It's like this between Whoopi and Megan, but they

can't cut the commercial.

We get to see everything.

Wait, why is Jay working in the city?

Jay never wanted to move out here, remember?

He only stayed because of your accident.

But in this world, you were just pulling him away from his cooking and his

friends and his career.

Didn't he open his own restaurant at the B &B?

Without the ghost, the idea for Mahesh never came up. So Jay's resentment built

until he finally took a job back in the city.

Ooh, Sam's mad.

There goes the pain.

Can't you just call in sick or something?

I don't want to call in sick. I love my job. Yeah, but you're never here.

I never wanted to be here.

You dragged me here.

Not nice to drag people places.

Skin on back of head wear way quicker than you think.

There's one time. I don't want to hear it, though.

We seemed so happy together this morning.

A performance for your assistant, Freddie.

He's seen so many of your fights, so now you guys overcompensate in front of

him. Okay, let's give this one more shot.

Isaac Higgintoot and Henrietta Woodstone. Holy crap, it worked. It's so

to be gathered here today with you and all of your closest friends.

Fun. My sincere hope is that the two of you enjoy a marriage as loving and as

loyal as what I had with Carol.

What's he?

Now, if anyone here sees any reason why these two should not wed, then now would

be a great time to pipe up.

Nothing?

Really?

Captain Higgintooth.

Lieutenant Colonel Jessup. You've come.

Yes, I know we've had our differences, but I couldn't let you get married

without saying.

Come on, Nigel, you got this.

Congratulations.

Okay.

Well, I guess there's nothing left to do, except continue.

Unless... Going once?

Anyone?

Look at me. I'm 15 feet away from this train wreck, and there's nothing I can

do.

Why do I look so happy?

Jay and I just had a huge fight.

Well, you're not going to want to hear this one, but with you and Jay growing

apart, you started an emotional affair with someone you met online.

What? Who?

No. No, no, no.

No!

Okay, I'll call you when I get to the city.

No, Jane, don't go!

Okay. Hedy, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

You've got to stop this. None of this is right.

I'm sorry, Sam, it's too late.

What do you mean?

Isaac, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Well, you made a wish, and I was sent here to grant it.

I do.

But this isn't what I want.

Eddie and Isaac, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Isaac, you may kiss

bride.

That's it. The tour's over. This is now your life.

Merry Christmas, Sam.

Oh, great.

Come on up, Jax.

I mean, I love you. Oh.

Carol?

Carol! Come back!

What's wrong with Sam?

I want things to go back to the way they were.

I want Pete and Alberta to be dating again.

Me and Pete?

How does she know our names?

That shouldn't be hiding the fact that he's a virgin.

Virgin? Okay, yeah, tell that to all my satisfied customers.

And I want to... I live in a world where Isaac is proud to be gay.

Gay? A red -blooded billy goat like me?

You jest.

Most of all, I want Jay back.

I don't care if things aren't perfect or if our life is complicated sometimes. I

just want to face it all with him.

I wish things could go back to how they were.

I wish I could see ghosts again.

That's... It's my girl.

Welcome back, Sam.

I can see you.

Eddie, can you hear me?

Alberta, can you see me?

What's with Sam? She sounds like Yentl. Oh, thank God.

I made a terrible wish that I couldn't see ghosts, and then Carol granted it.

Carol? Yes, but she was Christmas Carol, and everything was messed up.

You were there, Isaac, but...

You were marrying Hedy.

And you were there, Thor, but you didn't know your son.

Wasn't I there?

I don't really remember.

The point is, I regret what he said. I'm sorry.

I'm so happy I can see you guys.

I was just upset.

Hey, uh, I was just talking to that guy, babe, and I'm... Whoa.

What was that for?

For everything.

I love you, Jay.

Whoa.

I'll sleep for a few minutes.

But then the smooching woke me up.

Hey, man, it's Flower.

What? What's happening?

Jay, it's me.

Flower possessed me. Thor did it as a gift to her. Next year, we'll only give

sex coupon.

It's enough.

What? Okay, well, we gotta get Flower out of you before this interview.

What interview? I thought I blew the interview.

What are you talking about? The interview hasn't happened yet. You were

getting your makeup done.

There she is.

It's showtime.

Hey, man.

Aren't you that guy from TV?

You know, I was on TV once.

I flashed the second basement of the San Francisco Giants game.

Cool. Maybe we don't mention stuff like that on the air, huh?

This way, please.

Flower. Sam.

Flower, Sam.

Okay, this is right over here. Cool.

Uh, guys, you know what?

Um... Actually, I think Sam needs to go outside for just a minute. Sorry, we're

about to go live.

We need to buy Sam some time to regain control and get to the boundary.

I got this.

Walter,

just a minute. I'm picking up a weird room tone. Guys, can we fix this now?

Tiny camera.

Feel Odin's wrath!

We lost picture.

Unbelievable. All right, we need a battery change on camera one.

This is incredible teamwork.

And if it were St. Patrick's Day, I'd be jumping in with a contribution of my

own.

Whoa, what the?

Hey, hold the roll. Let's get this cleaned up. All right, we're taking a

two, and we're going live.

Take control, Sam.

This is your moment.

I'm back. No, go.

Get to the boundary.

The jingles were good.

Sorry about all that possession stuff, Sam. All good.

She's back.

I think we're good to go.

Camera's ready.

You good, babe?

We're live in three.

That's right, Jill.

I'm here in New York's Hudson Valley with author of Isaac Higgintooth,

Vampire. Hey, Sam, thanks for being here.

Thank you so much for having me.

And so this is a book where you can have a laugh, maybe a cry, and hopefully

learn something about the origins of our nation.

Well, I certainly enjoyed when George Washington turned into a bat.

Did that really happen?

I'm kidding, of course.

Well, anyhow, thanks, Sam.

Jill, back to you.

Oh, you crushed it, Sam!

And if I had money and the ability to turn pages, I would buy your book for

sure. Babe, you were amazing.

Thanks, Jay. I couldn't have done it without you.

Without any of you.

I just feel so lucky to have all of you in my life.

Even Thor?

Yes, Thor. Even you.

And not to relitigate, but you did sort of say to surprise you.

We leave it at that.

I know the possession wasn't ideal, but it was a really groovy gift.

I mean, I got to take drugs for the first time in 60 years.

I'm sorry, what do you mean you took drugs?

The mistletoe. The drug I got from Gabe. I took it, well...

We took it on my way back from the restaurant.

Wow, look at that. You were high as a kite.

I suppose that explains this whole visit from Carol nonsense.

I guess it does.

Okay, I can't help it. I gotta watch it again.

So proud of you, babe.

Hey, Trevor, help me out with this scratch and sniff Sam got me for

Come on, come on, come on.

Wow.

For a piece of paper with cartoon eyes and a pepperoni bow tie, that's pretty

good. Great job.

Every time.

Patience.

What's up? I come with good news.

Your disappointment at our parting gave me pause.

What? What are you saying?

I'm saying that I now believe that we should be together.

Yeah, but different worlds.

Oh. Sometimes that first thought is the best thought. Oh, but that can be

remedied. I have met your friends, and you can meet my people.

Where's this going?

Trevor Lefkowitz, dweller of the overground, son of Abraham, holder of my

Allow me to introduce you to the others.

Oh, holy night.