Original subtitles

Well, honey, I hope you're comfortable.

I realize you might be a little cold, but don't you worry.

I'm sure it's plenty warm where you're going.

All I got to say is good luck to Satan.

That poor son of a bitch has to deal with your nagging ass.

You won't be needing these anymore.

Consider us divorced.

What the hell was that?

Wow, that's some

kind of smoke.

That's no meteor.

luckiest day of my life.

Wow. Wow. Look at you. You are incredible.

Wow. You are wow.

Wow. You are great.

In the morning, in the night, when I don't feel so right.

Oh, through the misty haze, the green old rhyming of my days. Now the smoke to

clear my mind, choked up up to help unwind.

Everywhere I go, I take it. Oh, it's like I can't escape it.

Only thing I need, only thing I need, is me and Kareem, we can meet.

We'll see.

I need my smoke today. Work too hard to get home late.

I just need a break.

Oh, one more talk that I can take.

Oh, lifting I need.

What's that?

We, we, we can we.

Heaven from the devil's sea. Feeling for it every day. You know I want that

Mary Jane.

We, we, we can we.

Beaming for it every day, you know I want that Mary Jane.

From the devil.

For it every day. I want that.

We can't.

You've got to hold them.

Simply astounding.

Whoa.

Oh, my.

Oh, my gosh.

Alistair, you fool.

It's the initial observations that are often the most critical. I can't trust

them to memory.

This is Alistair McDowell of the Space Institute. April 20th at 01000 hours.

After tracking on radar what appeared to be a meteor losing its gravitational

orbit, I have entered the wood just north of the city following its

trajectory.

The impact site is littered with what appears to be a grass.

I will now take a sample.

Evidence of the substance has been taken off the outer skin of the meteorite.

Upon further observation, it seems that rather than the high -density rock, the

meteorite seems to be composed of a metal of some kind formed into a crude

sphere.

Was this done naturally?

Or possibly by some living, sentient beings?

More data is needed, but the possibility is exciting.

Curious.

By the markings on top of this plate, it looks as if something had once sat atop

it. Maybe, I don't know, jostled loose in space or knocked over?

Put him up, dude.

I am unarmed, I assure you.

Sex, lies, and videotape. I never knew a fad without a strap.

You must have an ankle pain.

Um, I told you, I'm unarmed, nor am I a fed, as you call it. Do you mean federal

officer as in FBI?

FBI, CIA, DKNY.

DKNY? They're all a part of the same alphabet soup, brother.

But... Turn around slow.

No sudden moves.

Farnell?

Al?

You look different. You been hitting the creatine, throwing some weights around?

Hey, you noticed.

What the heck are you doing here?

Sorry about that. I thought you might be Federal Popo.

Well, clearly not. I mean, I'm working for the Space Institute.

No kidding?

Dude, that's great.

Good you got here before the Fed.

Why is that?

Maybe you and I can work together on this thing.

Sweet mother of Pearl, I was right.

I was tracking this thing from outer space, and I figured it came down

right around here.

Wait, you were tracking it, but how?

Let's just say I have access to certain equipment.

The less you know, the better, Al.

Plausible deniability and all.

Um, why were you worried that I might be a federal officer?

Come on, dude.

The feds have been covering up UFO sightings since that flying saucer crash

in 1947.

They still got the alien dudes locked up in Area 51.

Been feeding the poor little dudes old Milwaukee and tater tots.

Hiding them from us because they don't think we can handle the truth.

They've been using their brains for technology, too. I'm talking about

ovens, cell phones, hot pockets.

Hot pockets. And Jimmy Cameron.

What? Jimmy Cameron? What, the movie director?

He's their offspring.

The aliens, I mean. Come on, Al. Avatar is like a five -hour love letter to his

home planet.

But the fed goons think us dumb yokels can handle it because it's just a story.

Well, not me, baby.

I don't know about all that, but what about the meteorite?

Don't snow me, Al. I heard you talking to your little tape recorder when I

up on you. You know this thing ain't no space rock. It's a spaceship.

You and I can expose the secret to the world.

Those bed goons will have no choice but to let those poor little aliens out of

lockup. I don't know anything about that, but I've never seen a study of the

meteor like this before.

You smell that?

Come on, dude, don't tell me you don't recognize it, not after everything we've

been through.

Oh my goodness, you're right, it smells like some kind of marijuana.

Look at all this stuff!

Don't, don't touch it!

We have no idea of its toxicity.

Let me toke some of this shit and I'll take my own fucking readings.

I think the scientific method will be safer.

Safe? Right.

We're all living on borrowed time anyways, Al. The Armageddon clock is,

running down, you know?

Armageddon? How exactly have you been occupying your time since I saw you

It's been, what, a couple of years?

Well, Homeland Security is after me. No biggie. Just a little mix -up at the

Afghan border.

You're Afghanistan?

It was totally innocent, bro. I was over there with my old buddy Farouk scoring

some high -grade poppy when... Okay, okay, maybe actually you shouldn't tell

I mean, after all, it's plausible.

Deniability. Gotcha.

Anyways, I've been living further off the grid.

Had to change up my look, too, just to be safe.

Went over to the Supercuts on Sepulveda and had that crater -faced Shauna fix me

up with a collar and a cut.

She done me pretty good, too.

Got me looking like Zac Efron and shit.

Plus, I've been training with a ninja master.

Gotta protect myself.

A ninja master.

Well, master might be pushing it. The dude works in stolen car stereos. But

trust me, Wang Dong knows his shit.

That's why he's got me dressing all in black.

So I can move with the shadows and strike from the heart of darkness.

The drunken monkey is a terrible thing when unleashed, Al.

I hope you never, ever have to witness it.

And here we go.

Sitting all alone with not much to do.

Thinking to myself, I need to change my point of view. If only there was

something that could occupy my hand. I need something to do because I don't

any plans.

A new point of reference to change what I perceive.

Something that will take me there quickly, I do believe.

Changing my mind is what I want to achieve. And if you ask me what I'm

I'm a prodigy.

You see, I need to get high.

I need to get drunk.

A little something good to help me down this road.

Uh, hello?

Anybody here?

Dude, you've got to cut out the noise.

Noise?

I just said hello.

Correction, you followed that with, is anybody here? And that was after you

pounded on the bell here for like five minutes.

Look, it wasn't five minutes, and if you heard it, you should have come out

sooner. Heard what?

The bell.

Oh, dude, bell's broken.

Anyway, I've got something here that I think you'll find very

interesting.

Whoa.

Looks like some kind of baseball.

That's exactly right.

No shit.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Not until we discuss price.

Well, is it really from space?

Yeah. Perfect.

Hey.

Come on, man.

Just look at it. You ever see anything like that before?

Dude, you got some serious buzz tongue going on.

Yeah, yeah, I got to go see the doc about that.

Yeah, you need some medicinal.

Anyway, you think your shop could use this?

Are we going to do some business?

Yeah, I think we are definitely going to do some business.

Let me figure out how to open up the cash register.

What are you doing?

Just helping the customer. Hey, back off, Flick. We were just doing business.

Back off?

I'm the corner of this place.

Don't be telling me to back off, Jackoff.

Hey, man.

Hey, I don't want you ripping us off with some bullshit.

Yeah, I heard you from the back.

Baseball on my ass.

Looks like some bad movie prop.

Yeah, like from 2001 A Weed Odyssey.

Hey, look.

I'll make a good deal with you.

Maybe we could do something with this, too.

only been used once.

It's Hudknocker. This is a head shop, not a pawn shop.

Um, dude, that would look pretty rad in the shop, though.

Yeah, well, maybe so, but we ain't paying out the wazoo for it. No, not

out the wazoo for it. Fifty bucks.

Fifty? I'll pay you twenty for it.

It's worth more than that.

Hey, I gotta make a profit, too.

Fifty bucks, and I'll throw in the jewels and the knife.

I don't want your shit, man.

That's funny.

What's the book?

Uh, I got burned.

Really? Let's see.

No. No, I can't do that.

You want the 20 bucks, don't you?

Whoa. Oh, monkey. Dude, you are totally molding.

That's not good.

Take this shit and get out of here.

And don't touch anything.

Fuck.

Fuck both of you.

Where are you going?

Dude, you cannot expect me to put new merchandise on the shelf without testing

it out first.

That would be irresponsible.

Why I ever went into business with you is beyond me.

Oh, because when your career in sports went down the shitter, you had to do

something, remember?

Thanks for reminding me.

Nobody takes that thing before they find out what it's all about.

Hey, you know who might know something about it?

Who? Al.

Who? Al.

You know the geek? The one who helped us kill the evil bong and the king bong?

Oh, but technically we didn't kill the evil bong. Remember? It was still down

there in the jungle when we left.

You remember the Puding tribe?

Talk about National Geographic.

National Pornographic, you mean?

Put it back on the counter.

You're not the boss of me.

Look.

Violence never solved anything, man.

Hey, Al. Yeah, it's Brett.

Hey, how are you, buddy?

Tell me what to do. I'll tell you what to do.

Assholes around here.

All right.

Product testing.

Here we go.

You are a worm.

A parasite.

Being this close to you disgusts me. Now that's uncomfortable.

I tolerate it only because I must.

You are the first step in my... Request for total domination of your world.

You got a nasty tooth for a bomb.

You need to chill out or no one's going to want to buy you.

Now shut up, boy.

to my world, worm.

Oh, Nap.

Hi there.

You can use some lotion.

It's okay.

You checks are a little aggressive.

That's all right.

I'm into it.

So is this like a three -way situation?

I'm into it.

Oh,

that's kind of painful.

I think I smoked weed and he was high when he made me.

I can feel it in my DNA.

I think I smoked weed and he was high when he made me.

And I think he gave up.

Lornell! Would you relax, man? You're wigging me out.

I gotta keep the blood flowing, bro, or else I get stagnant and the palpitations

and panic attacks kick in. You're a few skills short of a full bag. You've gotta

stop chasing black helicopters.

What do you make of the bong, Al?

Well, most certainly of unknown origin.

And the material used to form it is like nothing I've ever seen.

I'll know more when I take it back to the lab and run some tests.

We were on our way there when you called.

As much as I love you, Al, you're not taking that thing out of my shop until I

get my investment back. I paid like a hundred bucks for that thing.

The base of this would fit perfectly in that receptacle we found in the

meteorite.

Meteorite?

Spaceship, dude.

But you're actually telling us this thing might be from space?

Well, the possibility exists, yes.

What was that?

Relax there, master of dung poo. It's just Bachman.

Oh. Thought I recognized this boy.

Where is Brother Bach?

Wouldn't mind giving him some hello nuts.

I think he's in the backbone smuggling one of those fat chicks again.

I have no idea where he finds these broads. I caught him beating off to an

-school Star Jones interview once.

Really?

Bach, man!

Get out here!

Listen, Al. I don't have 60 bucks.

Living off the grid has its disadvantages, man.

Well, I don't have any money on me either.

Bummer. Hoping to score some Taco Bell later.

Chalupas make me wet.

You putzes.

Hey, Luanne. As usual, you are a sunbeam floating on a cloud of happiness.

Did anybody ever tell you that black is O -U -T?

Shadows don't care about style.

Could you be a bigger loser?

Is that even possible?

Oh, it's obvious.

It's nice to see you, Gwen.

It's been some time.

Not long enough.

Is this Brett's store?

What, you don't know?

Well, let's just say him and me had a long touch.

Be around?

Well, yeah, he just kind of went... I mean, I think he peaced out for a little

bit, and we're not really sure when he'll be back.

Yeah.

Yeah, and he left us in charge temporarily.

Would you like to purchase a water pipe? It's only slightly used and in near

-perfect condition.

In fact, we'll give you 30 % off.

What the hell do I need one of those for?

Look, Lou.

It matches your eyes.

Get that away from me, you idiot.

When Brett comes back, tell

him to call me.

If you think you can remember that.

I don't think she likes us, dude.

Shit, that was close.

Hey, thanks for getting rid of her. Oh, hey, she wants you to have that.

Yeah, that's good.

Oh, I take it your relationship is no longer kosher.

Not enough kosher for a training order.

He has a training order on you? Dude, I have a restraining order on her.

In case you haven't noticed, she's a bit of a handful.

When we were down in South America, I was like 400 pounds.

I didn't realize she was very supportive.

Oh, really?

She's listening to me. I'm not very supportive. That sounds like some Oprah

shit. The thing is, I just keep falling back for her. She's a hot piece of ass,

but then those true psycho colors come out.

Anyway, thanks for having my back, boys.

Where is Bach?

He wasn't back there?

Dude, we heard him.

Well, he must have snuck out the back then.

So what are you going to do with that thing anyway?

It's an alien bong, bro.

Okay, X -Files.

Alien bong. What the hell do we do?

What you do is pray, brothers.

Mr. Rabbit, how are you?

Just rabbit, brother. Just rabbit.

I can't believe you're still pulling that priest scam.

Oh, it's no scam, I assure you.

You know, I'll never forget my experience with the Puntang tribe, nor

forget the promise I made to a higher power.

In exchange for saving my life.

Dude, we saved your life.

Oh, really?

Did you? Or were your hands guided by... You see,

after I was rolled into a doobie and shrunk into microscopic size,

I began to see the world as it truly is.

A microcosm.

We're all just little flakes on the same blue ball.

We're all together, and we should behave as such.

Rabbit, have you already been talking today?

I assure you, sir, my vision has never been more clear.

Silly rabbit.

Religious institutions are corrupt, man.

They've been covering up the UFO sightings just like the government?

Dude, I have it on good authority that the Pope himself has been abducted and

probed. My poor, deluded child.

I belong to no institution.

I am just me, myself, and I, traveling the road, spreading the word.

What the hell are you doing here anyway, man? I mean, we're kind of busy with

something.

I dropped in to see Bachman. We were going to have a spiritual powwow.

Oh, a little powwow at the wowwow?

A little powwow at you two in the back room when it's all full of smoke?

I have no idea what you're referring to.

Yeah, yeah, right.

You know, how I ever got hooked up with you losers is beyond me.

You had no arm, babe. They drummed you out of the minor league.

How's that for no arm, curious George?

Ow.

Hey, you got a comment, too? No, no, I just... Holy shit.

That's where that weird guy touched the counter.

Weird guy?

The guy I bought the bomb from. He had this grease shit all over his hand.

It looks a lot like the odd vegetation we discovered at the crash site of the

meteorite. Spaceship? Yeah.

Very well.

Spaceship. Ooh, I can compare it to some of the samples I took at the crash

site.

The growth rate of the founding.

Don't touch it. The other dude had this stuff growing all over him.

Some sort of space bucket.

This herb is of inferior quality.

I have you know that this is some primo.

Wait a second. Did you just talk?

I see no one else in this room, right boy?

What is it with all you talking bongs?

Do you have a voice -activated chip in you or something?

Unhand me, you worm!

Worm? That's kind of... Hey, that's kind of strong.

You are repugnant to me, as you might find a maggot distasteful. I tolerate

only because the process is still in its earliest stages.

Process? There is the work I must do here, and that which must be done on my

world. So, the guys weren't joking when they said you were an alien bomb.

It is no joke.

It is the beginning of the end for your world and the dawning of my dominance.

You are a real downer, my brother.

You are about to go downer the rabbit hole.

Oh, yes. Yes, smoke up, Baldy.

No, not again.

He's been abducted. The bomb got him. What I said, abducted. Perhaps we can

argue semantics later, gentlemen. The bottom line is, Rabbit's gone.

And perhaps the same thing happened to Bachman.

What is it with these fucking bongs anyway?

Why do we always end up finding these things?

Dude, they find us.

We have to help him.

Are you serious?

Do you remember what happened last time? The last two times?

Well, we made it out.

That's beside the point.

We don't know what the hell's on the other side.

Dude, I'll bet this alien bong wants to take over the world. It's part of an

invasion plot.

Like Independence Day?

War of the Worlds? This little thing?

Don't touch me, you parasite!

Don't trip, dude. We come in peace and all that stuff.

You insignificant specks of fecal matter!

Here's how we handle an invasion.

Wait, wait, wait!

If you destroy it, we might never get back Rabbit or Bachman.

All right, then. What do you suggest?

Yes.

Scamper away, you little pansies.

Sweet Jesus.

Man, I'm gonna have to get some serious weed killer.

Maybe it feeds on the stuff, man.

We gotta be careful.

We seem to have encountered some kind of alien intelligence.

Or AI.

You mean AI.

Shit.

Okay, Al.

You're the brains around here.

How do you propose we fight the alien bong?

Well, we were only able to defeat the king bong with the help of a certain

person.

Well, I mean, not...

Not a person, but... You mean the evil bong?

Yeah, right. Who wants to see that bitch again?

Besides, we left her nag -ass down in the jungle.

Well, no doubt Lornell's grandfather has her in his possession.

He seems quite enamored of her.

We left the old man down there, too.

Good fucking riddance.

Actually, he's not down there anymore.

How do you know?

Kind of been keeping tabs on him.

Why? It was my impression that your relationship with him was no longer

Yeah, he's been hating on you ever since your mom front -squirted you out.

I didn't want to take the chance of him showing up and surprising me again, like

he did down in South America.

So where is he?

I mean, does he run the local butt -plug convention or something like that?

Let's just say that Gramps has turned over a new leaf.

Is the great beyond?

Have I crossed over?

Oh, a fair angel.

Oh, this must be my reward for all the good deeds I do.

Or maybe not.

No, maybe it's not heaven.

Maybe it's that other place.

Well, Lord, if it is that other place, let my punishment begin.

Dude, you just sounded like a chick.

Oh, Brother Bachman. I see you two have crossed over.

I don't know about that shit, bro, but I've been banging these chicks since I

got here.

They've milked me of so much monkey batter.

I don't know how I'm still standing.

What do you mean by milked you?

Like, for safekeeping, you know, like when I'm sleepy.

See, the wang -looking tentacle combines with the alien's spunky to form like

this super sploot. That's why it's green.

That's not my normal color, by the way. And then they keep it in these jars.

It's like they're trying to populate the place with a bunch of little baby

Bachmans running around.

Cool, huh?

Brother, that fills me with a horror that you cannot even imagine.

If by horror you mean fucking awesome, then I concur.

I don't know about this, girl.

I'll just go with it, bro.

It's all part of their game.

It's cool.

It's cool.

Kiki!

Rabbit -like.

I'm full of joy.

Whoa, you're inside me. How is that possible?

Sounded like Rabbit. He's got to be in the bong world.

Are they killing him or what?

Uh, he doesn't sound like he's in any distress.

He's getting his rocks off.

He doesn't sound like any kind of alien invasion I've ever heard of. No, don't

you get it, man? That's the genius of it. They attack us where we're the

weakest, our anacondas.

I don't know about you, bro, but I'm strongest in my anaconda.

Who was it summoned, the good doctor?

That'd be me, Grant.

You?

Yeah, me.

It's good to see you.

You? Yeah, me.

It's good to see you.

Yes, well, I wish we could say the same.

But I enjoy my flare -ups of my gentle herpes more than I do seeing your

face again.

Should have known you haven't changed.

Ah, there I have. You can call me Dr. Weed.

And this is my personal assistant, Nurse Hooker.

What the shit?

Are you trying to tell me that you're still a medical weed now?

Well, since my experience is in South America, I decided to join the enemy, so

to speak. And it's proved very lucrative.

Not that, uh, you layabouts would know anything about making money.

Hey, back off, Jerry Garcia.

This joint is my place.

Some, uh, impressive items around here, but you'll be foreclosed on within two

months.

Oh, thanks a lot, old man.

Uh, I was given to understand that the sale of medicinal marijuana was done

in pharmaceutical shops.

Uh, yes, I recall you were one of the brighter elements in this gang of

nincompoops. If one can make such comparisons among the lower forms, eh?

But you were correct, nerd, in alluding to the popularity of the shops.

But those are for amateurs, morons.

Targets for miscreant thieves.

Pimps and gangbangers shooting each other just for a taste.

Now, the only way to go is special delivery.

So, let's... Get down to some business, eh?

Besides the traditional seeds and weeds, I've got brownies, cookies, ice cream,

even new fangled lemonade.

One taste will blast you over the moon.

Actually, Gramps, we kind of need your help.

The only help you're likely to get from me is a retroactive abortion.

I should have known.

But we're serious, Mr., um, I mean, uh, uh, Dr. Weed. Really serious, Grant.

Like the whole world is screwed kind of serious.

What are you babbling on about?

Well, we're not sure, but it's an invasion.

Aliens from another world planning a takeover of Earth.

Since the day your mother squeezed you out of her rectal cavity, you've been

nothing but misery for me. And now you're giving me this bullshit about...

Invasion from aliens?

Let's get out of here, Nerfy.

We can prove it. We think.

There it is.

The advanced god of the invasion.

Whatever. It's a cheap movie prop.

That's what I thought it for, too, but... But what?

Spit it out, you incompetent imbecile.

Two of our friends checked out, Gramps. We think the bong... We believe that

there's a possibility that the bong has taken them.

You clowns must take me for the biggest rube in history.

Give it a sec, Gramps.

Well, come on, say something, damn it.

Show us your power over us, little Lance.

He's shutting us out, dudes. Not cool.

Bong's being a total D -bag.

Total D -bag.

No, no, no, wait, wait.

There's something else you have to see.

Fucking astounding.

Don't touch it.

Its properties of reproduction and accelerated growth are beyond anything

encountered.

Indeedy, Nurse Hooker. A veritable goldmine!

Where did you get it?

Oh, out by the old... Hey, Tidal.

Gramps gets nothing from us. Not till he gives over something.

Oh, so now you think you can bargain with me, huh? With your frazzled little

brain? Settle down, Beast. We just think you got something we can use.

Yeah?

Like what?

The evil bomb.

The bitch bomb.

How do you know I have her?

Don't snow me, Gramps. I know you got her. We left you down there in the

with her, and no way you'd escape without taking her with you.

Yes, I still owe you for that ditching me down there, you pus -oozing pecker.

Let's just call it even for all the crap you dished out on me over the years.

Right now, we're just looking for a little trade.

Call it a loan.

I call it extortion.

I think this thing stinks like a sumo wrestler's just taken a dump on a

tire.

So where is she?

Who? The bitch, Bong.

I have to go and get her.

She's in a safe place.

Yeah, I'll bet she's in a safe place.

Very well.

There you go, cookie poo.

You trying to suffocate a

girl? Damn!

It's all in the interest of safety, you understand.

Safety, my ass. Your safety, maybe, honky.

Tape on my mouth only pisses me off. Can't tape a woman down like that.

Yes, you're right, sweetheart. I apologize.

That's bad, Graham.

Dick Cheney on a goose hunt bad.

Ah, hell no. Not those crazy white boys again.

How many times you tried to kill me already?

Well, actually, last time we all defeated the King Bong together, if you

remember correctly.

Oh, I remember all right. Then you left me down in that hot, sweaty jungle.

All them bugs and spiders crawling all over me.

Oh, Lordy.

How you plan to torture me this time, you little shit?

No torture.

Just asking for a little advice is all. Advice? You mean, you want my help?

Well, if you want to put it that way.

Oh, wait a goddamn minute. What in the hell?

Now,

that is some kind of sweet.

Sweet weed, wouldn't you say, Doctor?

Just what the doctor ordered, sweetheart.

We could do something with this on the streets. I mean, for medicinal purposes,

of course.

Of course.

Wait a second. Nobody's doing anything until we get a little help with our

problem here.

What little problem is that? Your dick? No, that is a little monkey trick.

This.

It's from outer space.

What you talking about, Willie?

I mean, this little problem? Could be your little problem. Could be the whole

world's little problem. In simplest terms, we believe an alien invasion may

afoot. You dumb geeks have all done flipped.

Maybe you could just talk to it or something and just, you know, just...

it? You dumbass cracker. What am I, some sideshow act motherfucker?

Well, no, but I mean, there aren't that many talking bongs, and I just

thought... There's only one of me, and don't you let your little white ass ever

forget it. But this one was running his mouth earlier, saying some really nasty

stuff. Insults that were totally uncalled for and unprovoked, I might

one? Talking?

Sheesh.

Thinks nothing but a piece of junk.

Let's grab some of this super weed and get out of here.

I concur, sweetheart.

You dare to refer to me as a piece of junk?

My outward appearance is designed only to blend better within your rudimentary

world, to better fool your simple mind. What do you call simple, motherfucker?

You are nothing but trash, to be swept into the gutters of what you call the

ghetto of this world.

Say what?

Let me at him. I'm going to kill him.

Calm down now, sweetheart. Take it easy.

We'll take care of this imposter in due course, I assure you.

Well, now, what do you guys propose?

To get away.

Here's what we're thinking, Graham.

We want you to take a toke from that thing. Do a little research, do a little

recon, report back to us.

You're insane.

We need Evie's help to help get our friends back, Bachman and Rabbit, and to

stop this invasion from happening.

She's got to know how to beat it.

I don't know nothing about that fucker. Except he's an asshole.

You want to get your hands on some of that alien weed?

Then you're going to help us out.

Why the hell would I go in there?

We've got what you want, Pops, and you're not getting it until you help us

Yes, indeed she is. Drawn from the finest

stock.

So, here's the new plan.

While I could get greedy over the weedy and take what I wanted, I have to admit

that I, too, am a little curious.

So you guys are going to go into the dragon's lair on this recon that you

speak of, and I'm going to wait out here and keep my eye out on this stupid

friend of yours.

Dudes, don't do it.

There's no way you can trust this cranky anchor.

Let me assure you, gentlemen, That Nurse Hooker is well -schooled in all aspects

of the deadly arts.

And she wouldn't hesitate for one second to use them to extinguish yet another

stupid dweeb. Another?

You mean she's done this before?

Not now, Lornell.

Perhaps we should do as he demands.

This ain't right, Al.

Agreed. But we have one more demand of our own.

And what might that be?

We need E .B. to go with us.

Out of the question.

No, she's necessary for the success of this mission.

Oh, hell no! I wouldn't let them hurt you, sweetheart. You know that. Never.

Faith it, Gramps. There could be a whole lot more of this space weed where that

came from. Oh, no, you don't, old man.

I know that look in your eye when greed takes over.

Just think of it, E .B. We could get what we wanted.

An opportunity to take over the world with the greatest source of grass known

man. Leading to the rise, the unrivaled, unchecked rise to fame and

fortune of the good Dr.

Weed!

And you're just going to leave me out on the street, is that it?

Oh, no, sweetheart.

No, no, no, no, never.

Typical, honky motherfucker.

You're going to dump me for this white piece of ass, ain't you? No, no, no, no.

Nurse, nurse, Luca has certain attributes, but nothing to compare with

sweetness.

Sweetheart.

Man, this is gross.

Let's clip it along, Grams. Makeout session's over. Let's do this thing.

I'll get you for this, Dr.

Viagra.

This thing creeps me out.

It is only because your simple mind cannot grasp the untold power before

Who are you calling simple?

Excuse me, Junior. I don't believe I gave you permission to... Fuck your

permission, bro. We gotta get in there.

Pardon me if I use my own stash instead of that alien shit.

The thin, weak, earthly vegetation is an affront to my senses, but do as you

will. Oh, I will, Tarzan.

I will.

You offend me. You disgust me. You repulse me. Take me, you worm.

This bong has issues, dude.

Yes.

Humans are such easy prey.

Okay, Al.

Your turn.

Come on, Al. Don't back out now.

Oh, indeed, no.

Friends meet saving.

Plus, think of the discovery.

Whatever works for you. I'll suck it.

Admirable. Now, join me in my world.

Let me blow your fragile mind.

I hate to be the one to break this to you, Evie,

but you're next.

You gonna get it. You gonna get it. You gonna...

Silence, wench.

Let me take you.

I feel like I went to an orgy, but nobody gave me no money.

A new day has dawned.

Soon our world's...

They got me, man.

What's that noise, bro?

They got me hooked up.

Oh, they're jizz milking you, hoss.

They want our seed, man.

This is some sick shit, bro.

You gotta get this off of me. I am not touching that thing. What if they're

raising our babies to an army to invade Earth?

That's a new one.

Or maybe they're raising our babies to eat them.

They're... Cannibals, dude. They're cannibals. Oh, humanity.

Calm it down, dude.

Where's Bachman?

They got him. They got him somewhere.

Hang tight.

Don't leave me, man.

No, don't leave me. Don't.

You're not alone.

Talk to Jesus.

BRB.

The alien world, or bong world, if you will, seems to be comprised

of very little physical matter.

In here, the fog, these meager furnishings, seems to be

contrived merely to placate our human minds.

Possibly nothing else.

Perhaps, in fact, these images have been taken from our minds and serve no

purpose except basically to give us illusion for our own benefit.

Thus far, I have seen no sign of Bachman, Larnell, or Rabbit.

Nor have I seen any sign of any alien beings.

I have, although, discerned the sound of what can only be described as Some kind

of mechanical device.

Example.

Fascinating.

Moving on to investigate.

There's certainly a machine at work here.

But I can't see anything in this foggy...

I seem to have tripped in some living organ.

There's fluid running through it.

The fluid is being transferred from somewhere else into a series of vast

What it is, or for what purpose, I cannot understand yet without further

observation.

The smell is unpleasant, and her mouth is a leaf.

The viscosity of it is similar to that of a consistency of

a kind of material that I'm not entirely sure of, but it's absolutely

disgusting, and it... Oh.

I seem to have encountered an alien being.

Um, female, by all accounts.

Voluptuous in nature, with the physical attractiveness an average male might

find appealing.

Is this the alien's true form, or has her imagery been plucked from my memory?

Although I can't necessarily ever recall imagining a naked woman with images

painted on her as if the brush strokes had been applied by some kind of...

Sexual tagger.

Oh.

My.

The alien is amorous.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, my field, no.

Wait, wait, no.

Oh, my God.

Please, please, no.

It seems your friend has made a scientific discovery, eh?

He is now one with the hive. The hive?

What the fuck?

Yeah, yeah, hive.

Don't you know what a hive is, simpleton?

Eh? Yeah, it's like a piece of shit.

Piece of shit.

And all the insects, all the insects of the earth.

Insects meaning...

Humans, eh?

Am I correct?

Rudimentary, but accurate.

You mean to assimilate us, eh?

Not necessarily invade and destroy us, eh?

Oh, perhaps.

You want to live among us, share our world with us, eh? Not rule over us, eh?

That is one concept, yes.

You see, boy?

You've been worried over nothing.

How much have you really been smoking, you stupid sagbag?

The bar's stored you.

I think I'm old enough to be able to discern deception.

Even though my faculties may be slightly impaired because of

certain...

Hallucinatory elements?

Anybody got any pizza?

Man, you better not be smoking that supergrass that's growing on the

You know what that shit will do to you.

Ah, don't make me out of pole, boy.

Well, you haven't been playing this one too smart so far.

As far as I can tell, you're playing right into this alien bot's hands or

or whatever.

I have it all under control.

Shit, I know what's right. These aliens are going to totally work this over.

and my dong.

I knew it.

Hold up, white boy.

You don't want to be touching that shit. But I got to help him. How?

Decorate your garden?

Use him for mulch?

Listen, bitch, if you're not going to be constructive, then zip it, all right?

Just trying to help.

Well, if you want to help, then tell me what's happening here.

Dude, they sucked me.

I tried.

He's right.

This boy's seed is history.

His meat flute ain't playing no more. Two's, baby. A whacker's toast, bro.

Just hang on, B. I'm going to think of something, okay?

E .B., how about some suggestions?

Oh, so now you want to hear from me, is that it? Done keeping a good woman down?

I'm sorry for snapping, okay?

Depressive cracker. How about some ideas here, E .B.? Ideas wouldn't be a bad

thing. I wouldn't mind getting out of here while the getting's good.

So? Okay, look, numbnuts. These aliens want some human seed.

Don't know why, and I don't care.

My guess is they're raising a bunch of imitation humans to help invade Earth.

Yeah, kind of like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. With weed.

Oh,

Jet Monkey.

Just hang tight there, B.

I'll get you out somehow.

Watch my boy, E .B. Oh, yeah.

I'll do that.

Idiot.

Oh, they got you by the groin, man.

Oh, Arnell, you gotta help me.

I don't want them taking my accent.

I totally get it, man. That is some Memphis Blue valuable shit on the

blackboard. And it just amounts to such an extreme violation.

on taking over the world.

And I, for one, have no fear, because they're going to need humans

of higher learning to give them assistance in maintaining the Earth at a

functioning level.

bone.

Why, of course it is.

You're an idiot, you dirty old hippie.

Stop!

What the fuck?

It's time to take it out.

You think that's the best thing to do?

Fucking this thing up's the best idea I've had in a long time.

Then how are you going to get in there and help your friends?

Okay, maybe you've got a good point. Wise decision.

Though ultimately doomed for failure.

We'll see about that.

Yes, put your lips on that, you pathetic maggot.

Dude,

you look like shit.

What happened?

It was alien bong chicks.

They attacked me. I couldn't... Dude, you didn't learn anything from last

The poontang?

Poontang. You gotta abstain.

Restrain. Resist temptation.

I know.

Come on, you idiot.

Bro, things ain't going so good.

No, not so good.

You're a fucking chia pet.

Ch -ch -ch -chia.

You got screwed.

No shit.

You gotta get this stuff off of me, bro.

Uh -uh, dude.

I'm outta here.

Rabbit. Don't be a pussy, man.

Rabbit. Rabbit.

Good luck.

Come on, man.

Holy shit, it's Al.

What do you think this thing is?

Some kind of alien weapon or something?

Uh -uh.

Brett? Uh, Brett?

I'll take these cock -knockers out.

Brett, I wouldn't...

That'll

slow those boys down.

Brother, I hate to break this to you, but you do not want to know what that is

you got all over you. What?

It's just a little of mine and a little of Bachman's. Not even.

Dude!

Look at this shit!

You got space swank all over you, babe.

What's happening to Al?

They still got him hooked up. They're milking him pretty good, too.

Watch it. That's what they want. They figure they can take over the world

with smarts than with stupid.

God, stop them. I think what she's referring to is that our manhood is

in certain intellectual properties.

Oh, give a fuck. Let's just get out of here. What about Brother Al?

I've never felt so alive.

I'm in so much pain.

It's cosmic.

Hold my phone.

Be strong, Camille.

This might sting a little bit.

Ow!

I normally don't hit a lady,

but you ain't no ladies.

Your joints, sir.

That was monkey.

Uh, it was drunken monkey.

Right on, Al.

Look at me, Al.

On three.

One.

Oh, God!

Oh,

God.

Now let's get that alien involved.

And just how do you propose we do that? Spunky monkey, we're here in God knows

where, and that thing's back in the head shop.

I got money.

What you got, E .B.? We got to cause us a chain reaction.

Huh? Wait, wait, wait. I think she has something here. I mean, the effect of

bong, you know, reaches between both worlds. Maybe somehow we can reverse the

process. Yeah?

But how?

Well, I figure we need a really strong catalyst. You know, something to

jumpstart the process.

What did you have in mind?

What?

You could be the catalyst.

Catalyst? The conduit. Is that right, Al?

Correct.

Hey, you're the walrus.

Cuckoo, ca -choo.

Let's fire this puppy up. Huh?

No way.

No, no, no, no. You can't. No.

Yes way.

Play like a champion for me, Bonk. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I've been saying the same thing myself for years now, yeah?

Especially in the case of these cretins.

Dude, you want to talk to yourself?

If you want something done right.

That's right.

Light it up.

Bring it on over, I'm ready.

Give me a doobie.

Like you did it again, you stupid motherfucker.

We did.

Once again, I gotta thank within the good book.

Dude, I needed that shower.

My clothes got pretty jizzy.

Well, I too once could go the rest of my life without another alien invasion.

For once, fuck.

I gotta agree with you.

We might not have any choice, dudes. Those Area 51 aliens are gonna get out,

joke, and they are gonna be pissed.

I think that conspiracy theory has run its particular course, Tharno.

Not at all, Al. How do you think you'd feel if you'd been force -fed malt balls

for the past 60 years?

Fat asses won't be able to get out of their own way, let alone be any threat

us.

Amen to that, brothers.

Shit, it's Luanne.

What? What about the restraining order? I think she cares about that. Chicks are

fat.

These are for you, my sexy flower.

Sorry. I got angry ass again today.

I want you now.

Dad.

What? It's been a bit of a dry spell.

Look at him, champ.

Yeah, at least he has somebody.

Wish I could run into Felicity again.

You ought to look her up when you're in the neighborhood of South America.

You got some time?

Somebody order pizza?

Pizza?

What are you doing here?

Oh, would you rather I go? The fuck no.

I mean, what's that?

Well, don't just stand there like an idiot.

I missed you a ton.

Been dating the five sisters on Palm Street every night.

But seriously, what are you doing here?

Well, when your grandfather disappeared in South America, so did my paycheck.

He was paying me, after all, so I decided I could use a change of scenery.

So I left one jungle for another, and here I am.

That's great.

How long do you plan on staying?

Well, that sort of depends.

Depends on what?

I imagine you're gonna be staying for quite a while then.

Fred?

What's wrong?

I am so... ...ready for you.

I'm not sure I can do this anymore.

What do you mean?

Snugglebug.

Well, you made me feel bad about myself before.

I thought you liked me for who I am.

Oh.

I love you for who you are.

Hot stuff.

You are so hot.

Stuff.

That's just the point. You know, I like who I am now, too.

But you were repulsed by me when I was a little bigger.

I'm still the same guy on the inside.

Oh, you are so cute.

With your little emotions.

Those days are gone.

Right, hunky?

This is now.

And I want you.

I guess you're right.

I'm just being silly.

Of course I am.

So tell me the gods.

Beefcake.

With pleasure.

What's wrong, baby cakes?

We forgot him.

There we have it, Nurse Hooker.

Gaze upon it.

What is it?

It's very simple.

I think God smokes weed and he was high when he made me.

I can feel it in my DNA I think

God smokes weed And he was high when he made me And I

think he gave up

was complete as I understand.

God was making a mess of the man he planned.

In the face of defeat, he smoked a helping hand.

And then I'll just put him in a reggae band.

Fill it in the beat when I'm on the stand.

Do it in my feet when I'm on the stand.

I see it in the sunset that might expand into your mind so you understand.

I think that's routine.

And he was high.

Back in class, a fool to my memory.

It made me feel a fool to humility.

Said the God's infallible consistently.

Except for the one time he dropped that seed.

And here the God's in you and me and all we see.

Assuming all the actions of my own body.

If that's the way it is, then you must agree.

Every time we rock the gong, so does he.

I don't think God puts me.

And you and I are ready, baby.

I can do it. I'm a D and A.

I thank God for me.

And you and I.