All language subtitles for Church Ball (2006)

MAN:
Church and basketball.

Basketball plays
an important role

in the church leagues
around the country,

as it very well should.

Basketball strengthens the body
and invigorates the mind.

And what better way
to strengthen muscle tissue

and circulate blood flow

than through an invigorating
game of basketball?

The physical benefits of
a healthy game of basketball

are plain to see,

but have you ever thought
of the spiritual benefits?

Basketball is the perfect forum
to create and cultivate

feelings of friendship,
unity, and brotherly love.

One would be hard-pressed

to find any activity
with more benefits

than a game of basketball.

It should come as no surprise
that basketball courts

are being constructed in many
churches across the land.

A house of learning,
a house of prayer,

and a house of basketball.

What better way to build
long-lasting relationships

than through
the wonderful sportsmanship

of church basketball?

[ Whistles blowing ]

Technical, number 11.

What?!

Oh!

SUSAN:
I once heard it said

that there are good Christians
and bad Christians,

but the one thing they all
have in common is basketball.

I'm not so sure about that.

But I've also heard it said

that church ball is the brawl
that begins with prayer,

and that I can agree with.

[ Whistle blows ]

Everyone,
bring it in here, please.

Bring it in, fellas.

-Would you like to try one?
-No, thanks.

No, thanks.

All right, gentlemen,
I'd like to thank you all

for participating
in tonight's event.

I'd like at this time
to ask you all

to remember who you are,
where we are, and who you are.

Do we have the Scriptures?

GENE:
"Oh, the depravity of my people.

They are without order
and without mercy."

Very appropriate.

The prayer.
Crystal Hills.

Father, bless us to play as true
sportsmen and true Christians.

And, Lord, may we,
thy best team, win.

-Amen.
-Hey.

Bracken, I wanted to add
one thing.

[Bleep] [Bleep]

[ Whistle blows ]

Frankly, I'm not sure
when church sports began,

but I have to wonder
if it was a good idea.

That's my husband, Dennis.

In any other situation,
he's a very sweet man.

He's a doting father
and husband.

By the way, that's me

and our kids,
Heather and Billy.

But, honestly, some strange
metamorphosis takes place

when he plays
church basketball.

That's Don Weaver, Dennis'
best friend since 3rd grade.

Don teaches Sunday school.

The kids love him

because he brings treats
from the bakery he owns.

I will finish you,
pizza breath!

That's Nader.

He and his wife, Duki,

defected from Uzbekistan
about two years ago.

MAN:
Taxi!

They're still adapting
to the culture.

Hey, you!

I am not taxicab.
Why you get in my car?

This is Gene Jensen,

our usually mild-mannered
church clerk.

He's always so polite.

Well, almost always.

I'll wipe the court
with all of you!

Come on!

You know who
I'm talking about!

You, get off the court!

Go sit down.

That's Mickey Morgan
and his wife, Maxine.

They aren't very active members
in the congregation,

but at least Church League

keeps them coming on Sundays
once a month.

Don't act like this, Mickey.

-Just go sit down.
-We're in church, okay?

Get that guy! That's the guy!
That's the troublemaker!

You ! You're the one
I'm talking about!

I should probably point out
the chapel.

This is where we worship.

Unless, of course,
it's Thursday night

and there's church ball.

Who's taking care of my cows?

That's Rodney Munch.

It's obvious he's used
to the court side antics.

Rodney has been the temporary
coach for the last decade.

It's no wonder our team
has never been that good.

RODNEY:
Threw me out of my skis.

I had to run partway
up the beach

before I could get my balance.

They thought that was
kind of funny, too, 'cause I...

-Ready.
-ALL: Break!

Anyway, it was a lot of fun,

but I kind of skinned up my skis
a little bit.

Hey, Munch !
Munch!

Munch, where the heck
are you going?

Get in there!

I'll tell you, you got
no commitment to this team!

I'm releasing you
here and now...

I'm fired.
I don't care.

Oh !
All right, that's it!

That's it.
Both teams forfeit!

Both teams -- Hey, I mean it.
Both teams forfeit.

The game, or whatever that mess
was, is now over.

Go home!

Hey, Buckstead.

Oh, yeah,
I guess I better point out

Bruce Bracken
and his brother, Blake.

Their team has dominated
the league

for as long
as anyone can remember.

They aren't such bad guys,

but in the male world,
where the alpha male rules,

I guess they're not easy
to like,

especially for Dennis,

who has had to deal with them
for most of his life.

[ Giggling ]

Guess this hurts you
more than it hurts us, huh?

Nice prayer, Bruce.

Hey, good luck next week,
though, huh?

You're gonna need it.

[ Giggling ]

So I guess this is where
it all begins.

And ends.

Dennis, we need your help.

Okay.

What are we talking about?

Do you know how long it's been
since Mud Lake

won the Church
Basketball Tournament?

Never?

In dog years, close.

It's been 20 years, Dennis.
Count them, 20 years.

With my artificial knee
and bad eye,

there hasn't been a dang thing
I can do about it.

And this is it.

The last year of church ball.

You're kidding me.

Word has come down from the top

that church ball
has drifted away

from what it was originally
intended to be.

They can't do that.

Did somebody at the top
pray about this?

Your concerns are not falling
on deaf ears, Dennis.

Well, maybe one.

Church tourney 1978.

That's a funny story
for another time.

No, Dennis, our congregation,

not unlike
many other congregations,

will be terminating play
after this season.

They can't.

They can, and they are.

That's why you're here.

We need you to lead Mud Lake
to victory.

But, Bishop, I'm a player,
not a coach. We need a coach.

We need a miracle.

You could coach.

Oh, they never lifted
my suspension.

Even after
the anger-management courses.

And that really
boils my potatoes.

But all is not lost.

Check this out,
you two-eyed devil.

Tithing receipts?

Tithing -- What?
Oh, no, never mind.

That's a mistake.
I'll handle those.

These are just our want lists,
anyway.

You didn't see a thing.

Here you go.
Read them and weep.

Those are plays, Dennis, in case
you don't recognize them.

Basketball plays.

The answer to our coach problem

and the answer to our quest
for victory.

Did you design these?

Well, I like to think I had
a little help from...

What do you think I've been
doing during our meetings?

Check out play number 12.
Goshfather.

Mom, Dad, dinner's ready.

Oh, no.

Not tonight.

Oh, I thought we threw them out.

Apparently not.

Wow, this is.. .fascinating.

What is it?

Tuna casserole.

It's supposed to have
a cornflake topping,

but we didn't have any,
so I improvised.

Salad looks good.

Yes, it really does.

Thanks, Mom.

Billy, why aren't you wearing
your fish hat?

Dad, it's --

Please put it on.

Everybody else has
their hats on.

So, your father has some
very interesting news.

Tell them, honey.

The bishop called me
into his office --

And told you they changed church
to once a month.

That would be so rad.

That's not what he said.

He said that this was gonna be
the last season of church ball.

No kidding.

Is it because that bite mark
on your arm never went away?

Well, not exactly,
but he has put me in charge

of leading the team
to the title this year.

Has he lost his mind?
We suck.

-Billy.
-Mom.

Well, unfortunately,
I can't really argue with that.

He's right.

But if it came from the bishop,
it must have come from God.

Is that what he said?

Not exactly, but --

With God, anything is possible.

Apparently,
he hasn't seen our team play.

Thank you for your vote
of confidence, Billy,

but regardless, the bishop
has put his trust in me,

and it's gonna take faith
and hard work to get this done,

and I need to know that all
of you are with me as a team.

You make it sound like there's
something riding on this.

I mean, seriously.

Susan.

Heather has a point.

But try explaining that
to a bunch of old guys

who are in some way
trying to relive

their high-school glory days.

Not to mention
the coveted trophy

that is virtually held in the
same regard as the Holy Grail.

The bleeding stopped,
and Nader's wife set it.

Downtown, you still with us?

I can't feel my legs, man.

How many fingers
am I holding up?

One thumb.

-I'm fine, man.
-He's improving.

It was four last time.

All right, guys, we got them
right where we want them.

If you haven't noticed,
we're down two,

thanks to his
unsportsmanlike technical.

How about your [bleep]
air balls, man?

Bad language, Mr. Poopy Mouth.

Guys, please,
let's keep it together.

It's "potty mouth," okay?

Well, potty mouth,
you Poopy pants.

Let's play.

We've got 16 seconds.

You guys remember
Brigham Young/Notre Dame?

Danny Ainge?

You want me to bite someone.

'Cause I will.

No, I don't want you
to bite someone.

He went coast-to-coast
for the victory.

-But none of us can dribble.
-I'll second that.

Dennis!
Oh, Dennis!

The playbook!

Okay, guys.

I didn't want to
have to resort to this

'cause, frankly, some of
these concepts scare me.

But I think it's time to go
to the bishop's playbook.

That's what he's always writing
in on Sunday.

I thought
he was underlining Scripture.

Dennis!

Statue of Liberty!

Okay.

Looks like we're gonna go
with Statue of Liberty.

All right, let's go, man.

I'll fake to Nader.

And it looks like
I say something.

In French?

He'll pass to Don.
Don, you get it to Downtown.

Both teams back in the game.
Back in the game!

Nader, you inbound.

Everybody in.

-Ready.
-ALL: Break!

[ Whistle blows ]

Come on, dude!
Come on!

Come on, go!

No! No! No!

Come on, ref!
Keep an eye out there!

[ Buzzer ]

REFEREE:
Game over.

MICKEY:
Hold on a second.

Got a problem with this call?

Did you see the trucker
bowl my boy over?

He was set.
What's the call?

The call's good.
Game over, baby. Go home.

Why don't you get [bleep]

That's a "T" right there.
You want another one?

Want three and four right now?

Three and four.

You want unh!

Thanks for the pain meds,
Bishop.

See you.

Here you go, sweetie.

Thanks, hon.

Hey, Buckstead.

Heard about your bumstead.

Hope it's nothing serious.

[ Giggling ]

Thanks for your concern, Bruce.

I guess that just leaves you
with a four-man team, huh?

Be a shame if you have to
forfeit the rest of the season.

Yeah, I'm sure it would.

Hey, well, don't rush it, huh?

Don't want you to aggravate
that injury.

Yeah, there's nothing worse
than an ornery bumstead.

[ Giggling ]

That's pretty good, Dad.

Well, listen, if you ever think
about suing anybody,

give us a call.

Winning ! It's what we do!
Later.

Can we go, hon, please,
right now?

Hey, Dennis, how's the caboose?

Fine, thanks, Gene.

Gonna watch some game footage?

Is always a good time.

No. The bishop had me
into his office last week,

and there's something I should
have told you, but I haven't.

You're the next prophet?

No, Mick,
that's not exactly how it works.

They're gonna cancel church
during football season.

-Sweet!
-Guys.

This is the last season
of church ball.

-No!
-No way.

They say it's too violent.

Oh.

The bishop asked me to take
our team to the championship.

And?

I told him I would.

What?

Are you serious?

We're terrible.

NADER:
Do you do drugs?

Dennis, you didn't.

I did.

Have you forgotten
about Crystal Hills?

They've dominated the league
since Church League began.

And that's exactly why
we have to get...

serious.

We cannot end church ball
forever as losers.

Come on.

Is that what we are?

Uh, apparently.

Got to get back
to the fundamentals, guys.

Okay.

It's gonna take conditioning,
basic skills, teamwork.

Prayer?

Hey, and we need a center.

I combed the member directory.
What about Whitey?

Oh, no, no, no.
Whitey lost his arms.

But he's tall, Gene.

I'm just throwing ideas
out here. Please.

Hey, what about Thurman,
the janitor?

Yeah, I don't think
he's athletically inclined.

Since when was that
a requirement?

The last I heard,
Thurman has a bad heart.

I don't know about you,
but I am not gonna be interested

in giving Thurman
mouth-to-mouth.

We got to draw the line
somewhere.

I think Gene has a good point.
Anybody else have anything?

Does he have to be a member
of the church?

No, he just has to come
once a month.

Listen, guys, the point is
I think we can do it.

What do you say?

If we win, does the trophy
go in the display case?

It's going right next
to the '81 plaque

when Mud Lake won
for best uniforms.

All right.

I'm in.

All right, there you go.

Who else?

Gene?

Me too.

Yes!

If he has to be a member,
he has to go to the service?

Just once a month.

That's it.

USA! USA!

Mud Lake.

How about a fresh one?

Ooh, doughnuts!

No, thanks.

Don has brought sugar.

This is what makes church ball
what it is.

We've all heard the stories.

Everybody seems to have one.

I have to wonder
if the churches

have more injuries within
its walls than conversions.

Luckily, Dennis'
isn't life-threatening.

There we go.
Mm-hmm.

Why don't you have a seat,
Dennis?

I'm gonna stand.
It's more comfortable.

Okeydokey.

Well, looks like
you've sustained

a contusion to the coccyx.

Is it a contagious thing?

No. You've got a hairline
fracture in your tailbone.

That doesn't sound good at all.

Well, it can be bad at times.

Yeah.

Can you fuse something?

No, no.

We don't fuse anything
down there.

But you will have to
take care of it.

What do you have in mind?

-Morning.
-Hey.

-Cute baby.
-Thanks.

[ Air hisses ]

[ Farting sound ]

Charming.

Have a nice day.

You people are looking at me
like nuns at a Penthouse shoot.

I want original ideas.

Dennis, can I get you anything,
like a watch, maybe?

Where you been,
swimming lessons?

Believe it or not,

he plays basketball as part
of his worship services.

I'm gonna look into that

'cause I want one of those
little floaties.

They look comfy.

Now, let's talk teeth.

Who's got what?

You with the bangs.

What about a toothpaste

that tastes so good
that you could eat it?

And then what,
minty-fresh colons?

Uh, no.

Who else?
Hillary.

Why don't we try
a pressurized-water toothpick?

That'll never work.

Come on, people.

What else?

Mr. Punctuality.

What if we started pushing
flavored floss?

Yeah, keep going.

And then after we get --

We don't sell it to adults.
We sell it to children.

And we sell it
in flavors they like,

like bubble gum or French fries.

That's almost exactly right,
Roy,

except for
the French-fries part.

Mmm, sneaky.

Get the kids.

Okay, team, everybody's pulling
overtime on this one.

Nice work, Roy.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.

Roy is smart.

[ Truck horn honks ]

You okay, man?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You got a really nice
outside shot.

Thanks. I've been working on it
all my life.

I can tell.

Come on, Mosey.
I got to be home by 6:00, man.

Hey, I got to go.
Sure you're okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.
Maybe I'll see you around.

You got it.

[ Latin music plays ]

Bueno.

Salad looks good.

Yeah.

Honey,
the music is a wonderful touch.

Thanks, Mom.

How was your day?

Roy had another one
of his good ideas.

Oh, really?

I'm sure he did.

How's the team?

[ Snorts ]

I've got big plans for the team,
actually.

"Team, this is a basketball."

All right, Billy.

All right, Mom.

Will you put your ridiculous hat
on like everybody else?

Yeah, Billy.

Well, the good news is I think
we found our missing link.

It's this incredible player

that coaches a rec league
downtown for kids.

That's great.
Do you think he'll want to play?

Until he finds out nobody can.

Billy.

Drink your salsa.

Moses, or Mosey, as the fans
affectionately call him,

was twice named
the league's MVP

but feels
his greatest accomplishment

is running an inner-city
basketball program.

Suze.

Susan, come here.
Check this out.

What?

It's that guy
I was telling you about.

I suppose we all have a reason
for God putting us here,

and I guess this is mine.

You see that?

He'll definitely play.

Even the best players
have to rely on a team.

Well, there you have it.
Back to you, Bill.

He's right.

Can't win anything
until we pull the team together.

Well, maybe
you can pull it together

by starting
with some new uniforms

so you can at least
look like a team.

Excuse me, do you have
any shorts in bigger sizes?

What makes you think
I work here?

Well, I --

You walk into a thrift store,
find the guy in the wheelchair,

automatically assume
he works here?

I could be a fireman, checking
out fire-code violations.

I could be on stakeout.

That's a bit of a stretch,
but...

I didn't mean to offend you.

I'm just toying with you.
They're right this way.

Hey, man, what's with the 65/75?

Is that percent?

No. That means everything
is on sale from 1965 to 1975.

Okay?

Thanks.

You guys need to realize
your potential.

Every single one of you has
the ability to be a superstar.

Get on home
and get your homework done.

I'll see you guys.

See you, Mosey.

[ Chuckles ]

It's the guy with
the neck thing. How you doing?

It's not a neck thing.

I'm doing good.
Thanks.

Sure you're all right?
You can call those guys.

They can probably help you out.

Yeah.

So, you're Moses Mahoney.

That ain't no baloney.

I used to love
to watch you play.

Thanks, man.
That was a long ago.

It's just me and the kids now.

Yeah.

So, what can Mosey do for you?

Well,
I've got a basketball team.

You want Mosey to step in
and help, huh?

Yes.

Where'd you say you play?

Church League.

Man, you know how many times

I've been asked to play
Church League basketball?

I've seen you guys play.

You guys are crazy, man.

It's like playing
a pickup game in Baghdad.

Moses, it's really not that bad.

So, tell me about
your butt doughnut.

Uh-huh, right.

It's our last year

the congregation's gonna play
church ball.

It's gonna be outlawed
after this.

Maybe God
does love his children.

I need you to play
'cause I've only got five guys.

Plus, I can't play
for another week.

And we're terrible.

I'm really flattered that
you come all the way down here

and ask old Mosey for some help.

God knows we all need it.

But maybe you need
a little more faith.

Maybe your team isn't so bad
after all.

I've thought of everything.
We're terrible.

Maybe there's someone
you're overlooking

'cause everybody's got
a star in them.

You just kind of have
to bring it out of them.

Don't you think?

I don't know.

That's what Mosey thinks.

Listen, why don't you come
to my clinic?

I'll show you a few things,

and you can take that
back to your team?

Okay.

Faith, Dennis.

Faith, baby.

BISHOP:
What about Siegfried?

I talked to him, Bishop.

He's even less coach able
than Don.

Are you sure there's not
somebody I'm overlooking?

Dennis,
I want to tell you a story.

Years ago, there was a young man
by the name of Jeremiah Jones.

He was the youngest on our team,

built like a tree,
fast as lightning.

The boy could shoot the ball
from anyplace on the court.

I recruited him
into our neighborhood

for the sole purpose
of playing church ball.

[ Chuckles ]

As it turns out,
Mr. Jones blew a free throw

in the final seconds
of the championship game.

Almost lost a spleen
during that one.

That's another funny story
I'll tell you sometime.

Anyway,
everyone was pretty upset.

Blame was cast.
Tempers flared.

Long story short,
sadly, Jeremiah never came back.

To make matters worse, the house
we talked him into buying

was overpriced,
had mold problems, termites.

The roof leaked.

He could never unload the thing.

Think he might still live here?

Yes, yes, he does.
Why?

I try to contact him
from time to time.

He's very quick to turn me away.

Say, listen,
you might give him a try.

Great coup
to get him back on our squad.

It could be the difference
between victory and defeat.

It could make you a hero,
Dennis.

It could make us all winners.

Just.. .don't get your hopes up.

All right, keep in touch.

You don't know anything
about Rubik Cubes, do you?

-What?
-Rubik Cubes?

Who?

Never mind.

It turns out Moses was right.

They were overlooking someone.

Now they had to convince him

to let bygones be bygones
and come to church once a month

so he can play
Church League again.

Well, guys,
this is the right address.

Well, then, knock.

[ Knock on door ]

MICKEY: All right,
what are we saying to this guy?

I don't know.

What do you think, Dennis?

I don't know, either.

You don't go to church.
Maybe you can reason with him.

Let's play some ball.

I hear walking feet.

Okay, one of us lost a pet.
We think it may be here.

Yeah?

Yes, hello.

Can we eat your dog?

What he means
is that one of us lost a dog.

Do you have a German...

Poodle?

A German poodle.

No.

Okay, well, that's okay.

Is this the Jones residence?

Yeah.

We're from the
Mud Lake basketball team.

We're trying
to put together a team.

Forget it.

Smooth.

That was great.

Poodle?

Yeah.

My mom had a German poodle.

Guys?

Thanks for coming.

You're welcome.

Should we ask a neighbor
if they see dog?

No, Nader.

-Hi.
-BISHOP: Hello, Chuck.

It's Bishop Linderman.
How are you?

-Oh, Mrs. Schlappi. Yes.
-You thought I was Chuck.

-I didn't think you were Chuck.
-Yes, you did.

-No, you have a lovely voice.
-You think I'm ugly!

-Is Chuck in?
-No, he's not in!

-Just tell him I called. Thanks.
-No, I won't do it, Bishop.

She could do better than "hi."

Don, my man.
Thanks for coming.

We got reinforcements
on the way.

-Hi, Bonnie?
-Yes?

It's Bishop Linderman.
ls your husband in?

-No, he's not.
-Oh, I see.

-What about your son?
-Rehab.

In rehab.
Congratulations.

He was always wanting to fight
the good fight.

Just tell him I called.
Right.

He must be getting good at that.
That's his 12th time in rehab.

I'll play.

Thurman, you scared me.
Thanks.

I've actually got a couple more
guys that I promised I'd call.

Plus, the bishop's making some
calls, so I think we're all set.

Game's almost starting.
I could fill in.

Thanks, Thurman.

That would be awesome.
But...

But you heard my ticker couldn't
handle the physical activity.

They been telling me that since
I was 10, and I'm almost 40 now.

It's been a long time.
Do you think it's okay?

I wouldn't have asked
if I thought it wasn't.

Do you play ball?

Does it matter?

That's a good point.

You're in.

-Hello?
-Oh, hi, Stu.

It's Bishop Linderman.

Listen, we could really use
an extra player tonight.

Yeah, um, we can't come
to the phone right now.

We're not at home.

Wait a minute.
Hello, Stu?

Stu!

What's with "um"?

Beep!

Thanks.

-Call me back, Stu.
-Okay, bye.

Hi.

Hello, Bertha.

Hi, Thurman.

Hi.

Hi.

You doing okay?
Are you comfortable?

I can turn up the thermostat
in the chapel.

Oh, no, it's fine.

-Good.
-Yeah.

Are you sure you want to play?

-In the game?
-Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, the team needs me.

Well, I mean,
it's just church ball.

Yeah.

I mean...

I want you to be safe.

You do?

Mm-hmm.

I want you to be safe.

I mean, you know --

I know.

Keep on trucking.

"Keep on trucking"?

You didn't tell me

we were playing
the Polynesian congregation.

I needed you to show up.

All right, plan on playing
an outside game.

By the look of it,

things are gonna get a little
bit crowded in the lane.

Thurman,
it's gonna be a heavy night.

You cherry-pick with Don
if you have to.

Gene, you look to pass.

Downtown, you do what you do.

[ Speaking native language ]

Oh ! Whoo!

Yahoo!

-This is gonna get ugly.
-Holy crap.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Indistinct shouting ]

[ Whistle blows ]

Oh, come on, ref.
That's terrible.

Give me a break.

[ Whistle blows ]

Yeah, in your face, boy!

Who's got that guy?

Got to be [bleep] [bleep]
[bleep] kidding.

Technical.

Guy number one, white mesh.
Language.

Give him a break.
He's not a member.

You got to admit, that
was pretty frickin' amazing.

Watch it, pal.
Your language isn't much better.

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Red ball, right here!
Red ball.

Come on.

Little zone!

[ Groaning ]

Way to be, baby.

Hey! Oh ! Hey!

Come on!

-Me, Nader.
-No, sir, I cannot.

You must rest.

Watch it! Watch!

Hey, that was three seconds!

[ Buzzer ]

Okay, guys, bring it in.

-Okay. I could use a breather.
-I got nobody on the bench, Don.

Downtown,
you're in foul trouble.

One more technical,
and you're gone.

You need to take it easy
a little bit.

You ever tried a swear jar?

-Yeah, once.
-And?

My wife bought a gazebo
and a bunch of other [bleep]

Anytime you feel like swearing,

think of something
you're thankful for.

Let's try that.

Thank you.

Everybody in here.
Let's go.

Ready?

ALL: Break!

Let's go.
Come on!

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Laughter ]

I'm not the only one
who just saw that, right?

Come on, Mud Lake!
Come on!

Dennis.

Dennis!

-Okay, guys.
-[ Whistle blows ]

Steady, Don.

Steady.

ALL: Oh!

Don, are you okay?

Yeah.
No problem.

Yeah.
That's right.

That's what I'm talking about.

[ Buzzer ]

Whoo!

Good game.
I'm proud of you.

-Sorry we lost.
-It's okay.

You can count me in next week's
game, sore butt or not.

Okay?
Let's go.

♫ He calls her Princess ♫

♫ She likes pretty things ♫

♫ And she sounds like a choir
of angels when she sings ♫

♫ She dances like a doll
without any strings ♫

♫ And he would give it all
to be her anything ♫

Dennis! Dennis!

What's up?

What are you doing?

Just looking for today's paper.

Come on, man.
We got to go.

The answer to our prayers
just moved in three doors down.

-You serious?
-Come on.

You got to see these guys.

If their dad is anything
like them, hello, championship.

-Tall?
-Better than tall.

Better than tall?

-See that?
-Yeah.

Blessed are the weak,
for they shall be strong.

And tall.

Can shoot from the outside.

Hi.
Can I help you?

We were wondering
the same thing.

My name's Dennis.
This is Don.

Don lives around the corner,
I'm up the street,

and we're the neighborhood
welcoming committee.

I'm Penny Higgins,
and these are my boys.

Hey, boys,
why don't you come on over here?

This is my oldest son, Julius.
He's 17.

These are the twins,
Trey and MJ.

MJ, Trey, as in three-pointer.

That's right, brother.

Oh, that is so right, brother.

Well, my husband should be
pulling up any minute.

In the meantime,
if you guys want to grab a box

and help me out,
I'm not gonna mind.

Be glad to.

Boys, put the ball down.

Oh, here's my husband now.

Hmm.

Big man.

Yeah, big truck.

-Hey, boys.
-Hey, Dad.

Hi, fellas.

Charles,
these are our neighbors.

-Dennis.
-How are you?

-And Don.
-Weaver.

How you doing?

I'm right around the corner.
Don's up the street.

They've come to help us move in.

Fantastic.

I knew I had a feeling
about this place.

Yeah, I think you're really
gonna like the neighborhood.

Anyway, you've got a lot
of boxes here.

And it's full
of basketball players.

Oh, yes,
the boys are gonna eat that up.

How about you?
Are you a hoopster?

Hoopster, come on.
Do I look like a hoopster?

Exactly, Don.

Well, of course I'm a hoopster.
I love basketball.

-Spud Webb was my man.
-All right.

Manute Bol.

Don?
Can you grab the couch, please?

Not exactly
what they had hoped for,

but another player
is another player,

and beggars can't be choosers.

Yeah, have you had a chance to
look over the playbook, Dennis?

Yeah, I'm going through them
right now.

Have you seen Fat Lady Sings?

No, I haven't seen that one.

That's a winner.

It's like a good wife.
A lot of trouble, but worth it.

Listen, Dennis,
now that you got a full bench,

I think we're on our way.

-Let's do it.
-Go get 'em.

♫ Embrace ♫

♫ Block it out, erase ♫

♫ you shut out ♫

♫ Maybe the weary mind
you carry ♫

♫ Thinks if you throw it,
you were meant for real ♫

♫ It's where ♫

♫ your tired face ♫

♫ Gathers some light up
you can carry ♫

♫ Plays like a record
you can finally hear ♫

♫ you're okay ♫

♫ Things will be fine ♫

♫ Every day ♫

♫ Falls in line ♫

♫ All the things
you knew you wanted ♫

♫ Things you knew you wanted ♫

♫ Just keep a pace ♫

♫ Shatter the broken heart,
you're ready ♫

♫ Cover the deepest holes
you think and feel ♫

♫ you're okay ♫

♫ Things will be fine ♫

♫ Every day ♫

♫ Falls in line ♫

♫ All the things
you knew you wanted ♫

♫ Things you knew you wanted ♫

♫ you're okay ♫

♫ Things will be fine ♫

♫ Every day ♫

♫ Falls in line ♫

♫ All the things
you knew you wanted ♫

♫ Things you knew you wanted ♫

[ Piano playing ]

♫ Spiritual, spiritual,
spiritual ♫

♫ Got to get
spiritual, spiritual ♫

We scrimmaging the [bleep] drama
club today there, Sundance?

Watch your mouth, Mickey.

You knew it would happen
sooner or later.

It always does.

This is the face-off
of them all.

It's church ball meets
church ball for thespians.

Sorry, gentlemen.

We have the gym scheduled
for the next nine hours.

If you had only checked
the schedule,

you would know that.

Now go away.

Go ahead, Christopher.
Continue.

♫ you're okay ♫

♫ Things will be fine ♫

♫ Every day ♫

♫ Falls in line ♫

♫ All the things
you knew you wanted ♫

♫ Things you knew you wanted ♫

♫ you're okay ♫

♫ Things will be fine ♫

♫ Every day ♫

♫ Falls in line ♫

♫ All the things
you knew you wanted ♫

♫ Things you knew you wanted ♫

[ Thud ]

SUSAN:
So, how was practice?

We almost lost Thurman.

Oh, no! His heart?

No, he fell off the roof.

Kind of a long story.

Yeah, I bet.

So, is the team shaping up?

I don't know.

We really need a center.

We've got no height at all.

Well, how about
the church directory?

Several times.

And what do you think?

Oh, boy.

You think I could get
Donna Lipschitz to play for us?

She's what, like 6'4", 240?

Um, I suppose I could ask her.

Maybe it's not such a good idea.

Yeah, probably not.

Anyone else?

Yeah. Maybe.

Yeah ! Face!

[ Whistle blows ]

Hey, nice job, guys.

You guys take two.

Dennis, can I have a minute?

What's up?

I think you might need to
tone it down just a little bit.

What do you mean?

Man, they're just kids.

Kids that could teach you a lot,

maybe even a little bit about
yourself if you let them shine.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I've learned in this world

you can probably catch
more flies with cake

than you can with a club.

What's your favorite kind
of cake?

Still need a ballplayer?

We need some height.
We're in big trouble.

Well, listen.

Mosey can't help you with that,

but maybe Mosey knows someone
who can.

Hey, guys, I want you to meet
our new center.

Guy's got mad ups.

Goes by the name of Carlos.

All right, Carlos.

Carlos?

What is it with men and sports?

Imagine if women

took their church activities
this serious.

I have the lesson.

I don't think so.
I have the lesson.

No, I don't think so.

Aah!

It's like a blood feud,
except with basketballs.

Nice pants.

I thought about wearing those.

Seen this guy before?

No, never seen him before
in my life.

Look at him. I guarantee
he's never stepped in a church.

I think we got a ringer.

He's a member.

Baptism is Saturday,
possibly next Saturday.

Play your game.

All right, come on, Mud!

All right, ball is live, boys.

All right, all right!

Go, go!

Alley-oop!

Yeah!

Whoo!

Oh, boy.

Hey, I can see why
y'all don't dunk.

Hey, Dennis, don't call.

I'm out.

A lot of excitement
out there tonight, Dennis.

It wasn't a very good idea,
but it sure was fun.

I liked your strategy.

It demonstrated
a commitment to the team.

However...

Sit down, Dennis.

I am sitting down, Bishop.

Huh?

Oh, so you are.

This is very important, Dennis.

I think you did it
for the wrong reason.

You had no interest
in fellow shipping that player.

You were only interested
in winning.

As difficult as it is
for me to say,

I have found, over the years,

that winning is not always
the most important thing,

especially after
a herniated disk.

Usually it is, but not always.

Remember Jeremiah?

Yeah, I remember Jeremiah.

All right, well,

the team still needs
some height, so keep looking.

Oh, and, Dennis,

of course the team needs to pay
for the backboard,

so I've contacted
the Welfare Farm

to have the team
sell its meat overstock.

We're gonna be selling meat?

Guys, let's look alive
out there.

You know what they say.

If you can sell the sizzle,
you can sell the steak.

Not so much.

Where did we get the [bleep]
[bleep] [bleep] [bleep] getup?

Mouth, Mick.

Guys, it's Saturday out there.

Everyone's home.
This shouldn't take long.

God said that man
should not live by bread alone.

I think we should take that
very seriously. Don't you?

What a lot of people do

is they'll just buy
the whole half-cow.

I think they include knuckles.

People make soup out of those.

You want to sell me meat based
on pictures I can't taste?

You must taste the meat ads
in newspaper?

You can taste.

Where's the beef?

Hey, knock it off with the hat.

You knock it off with the ball.

Now, honey, how much of
this meat are we gonna want?

I can throw in a couple
of dozen doughnuts!

[ Doorbell rings ]

Here. Here's another.
No charge.

Thanks.

They're real good.
Bye.

Bye.

Hi. My name's Dennis
from the Welfare Meat Farm.

What are you selling?

Meat.

Sure you're not looking
for a dog?

Yeah.

Not interested.

Jeremiah, I'm selling meat

because I brought in a ringer
to last week's game

and he shattered the backboard.

We need to pay for it.

He shattered the backboard?

Yeah.
There was glass everywhere.

I thought I was doing
the right thing.

I was at my wit's end.
I didn't know what was going on.

We really need a center.

Mosey said he wouldn't play
but he knew a guy that would

and this was the guy
and he brought the rim down.

I knew I should have brought
cake instead of a club

so I wouldn't have to hit you
over the head with it.

I missed that last part.

Just once heard

that it was easier to catch
flies with cake than a club.

Should have brought the cake.

Look, Jeremiah, I heard about

your bad experience in church
basketball, and I'm sorry.

I can't promise you
it's gonna get any better.

But we really need you.

And I'm really not interested.

What if we help you
fix up your house

so you can sell it
and get out of here?

See that sign out there?

That went up eight years ago
after my last church ball game.

What makes you think
you can sell it?

What do you have to lose?

Look, thanks.

I'm really not interested.

Best of luck to you guys.

I knew Dennis wanted to win,
but, honestly,

if he attacked his day job
this way,

we would be sipping
virgin margaritas

on a beach somewhere right now.

He is no interested.

Why you want pepper him?

It's "pester," and whether
he decides to play or not,

it's the right thing to do.

Since when?

Guys, church ball isn't about
driving people away.

It's about creating bonds
of friendship and love.

I'm with you, Dennis.

You know how long
this is gonna take?

I can think of better ways
to spend my [bleep] Saturday.

What's this?

That's in case the yard doesn't
work. Just put it up there.

♫ Heading down
the homestretch ♫

♫ Harnessing the blues
on a slow ride ♫

♫ Tracing back the footsteps ♫

♫ Working through the knots
till they're untied ♫

♫ It's been awhile
since you felt love ♫

♫ And now it's sitting
at your porch ♫

♫ From feeling lonely
to complete now ♫

♫ It's time
to light up the torch ♫

♫ And you finally can see it ♫

♫ Stepping out to get
the feeling ♫

♫ you got to want it ♫

♫ Just lending a hand ♫

♫ It'll be okay ♫

♫ you got to want it ♫

♫ Don't give it away ♫

♫ Hey, yeah ♫

♫ you got to want it ♫

♫ Just lending a hand ♫

♫ It'll be okay ♫

♫ you got to want it ♫

♫ Don't give it away ♫

♫ Hey, don't give it away ♫

Looks pretty good.

Charles Higgins.

I'm your new Realtor.

We'll have this place sold
in no time.

Guys, what you've done,
it's really great.

But, honest, I'm just not
interested in playing.

I'll do your taxes.

We also brought cake.

I can't take your cake.

In my country, a man would not
refuse another man's cake.

This is getting kind of weird.

What is it with you guys?

What do you think?

I think they want you
pretty bad.

You any good?

Okay.

What do I got to do
to get ready?

Yes!

All right!

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Thank you.

♫ Lace up your shoes,
listen up now ♫

♫ Are you picking up
what I'm laying down? ♫

♫ Back on the streets,
we're on the road ♫

♫ Ain't gonna quit
till the battle is won ♫

♫ The Crystal is trying
to take away our souls ♫

♫ With fiery dunks,
we're taking hot to the hole ♫

♫ Gonna break that Crystal,
shatter the glass ♫

♫ Gonna take you back
to Sunday-school class ♫

♫ Better watch your back ♫

♫ Watch your back ♫

♫ Feet of fire ♫

♫ Soul of steel ♫

♫ I'm coming out
at your faith ♫

♫ I'm gonna make you kneel ♫

♫ We'll bring a hailstorm
of pain ♫

♫ We've been foreordained ♫

♫ If you think you're tough,
better think again ♫

♫ If the Reaper comes knocking,
you think I'll let him play? ♫

♫ you must be mad,
'cause it's for Jesus' day ♫

♫ One of the demons drive
a stake through your heart ♫

♫ It's time for the slaughter
to start ♫

♫ Better watch your back ♫

♫ you better watch your back ♫

♫ you better watch your back ♫

♫ Better watch your back ♫

♫ Gear on up,
we're on the gym floor ♫

♫ Trying to get the one ♫

♫ When the trumpet sounds,
watch your back ♫

♫ Hear this triumph sound ♫

♫ Gonna take your breath
'cause it's a triple threat ♫

♫ Shut your mouth, don't make
a move you'll regret ♫

♫ Gonna send you packing ♫

♫ Go work on your tan ♫

[ Buzzer ]

♫ Mud Lake will conquer ♫

♫ It's the juju man ♫

The team was beginning
to take shape,

and an interesting thing
began to happen.

Maybe it was what the Church
intended with church sports

from the beginning.

Feelings of resentment

were replaced with feelings
of contentment.

And the small inconveniences
of life were overlooked.

-What's going on?
-It's an office move.

I'm sorry, man.
I fought for you, but...

[ Snickers ]

Pushover.

[ Toilet flushes ]

[ Air freshener hisses ]

That's gonna need to stay
off-limits for a while.

Nice desk.

Yeah, thanks.

Roy. Roy.

Come here.

Just a second.

Yeah?

Listen, keep this on the D. L. ,

but I've got a little concept
that I'm working on.

I'm calling it the Tongue Quake.

And?

And it actually vibrates
the germs off your tongue

that cause bad breath.

Really?

Really.

Do you have a Proto?

Oh, yeah.

-Can I see it?
-Sure.

This looks like a crimping iron.

It's something like that,

but it has a little
electric charge here

and you put your tongue there
and then you just plug it in.

No, no, not yet.

And also, don't tell Snead,

because I haven't worked
the bugs out yet.

I tell you what.
I'll hang on to this.

It'll be like our little secret.

Thank you.

Hey, Snead, come here.

I got something I think
you'll be very happy with.

It's my latest invention.

Put it under your tongue.

I'm gonna plug it in the wall.

[ Electricity crackles,
Snead groaning ]

Oh. That's not right.

That's -- That's burned.

SUSAN:
So, tell me about your new digs.

It's not so bad, actually.

I got the only cubicle
with a bathroom.

Wow.

And I think Roy got demoted.

About time.

Yeah.

And the team?

Well, it turns out
Mosey was right.

Everyone's a star

if you just give them
a little room to shine.

Hmm.

Yeah, well, you are my star.

Thanks, Suze.

So, the tournament
starts Thursday.

It's single elimination,

so that means we have to win
two games

before we get to the finals.

You'll be ready.

I hope so.

I'd love to beat Crystal Hills,
and I've got my reasons.

But, you know,
it's really mostly for Jeremiah.

He deserves to have a good
experience this time around.

Well, isn't that
against the rules?

I'm kidding.

Think you can get Moses to come?

Well, I hope so.

He's a spiritual man.

He told me
he hadn't set foot in a church

since he was a little kid.

Well, does he know that
this is nothing like church?

DENNIS:
All right, this is it.

Hurry, Don.

I want you to know
I love you guys.

You got to be [bleep] kidding.

Flush your Poopy mouth.

Well, it's good that
you got that out of the way

before the first air ball.

No matter what happens tonight,
it's been a great couple weeks.

[ Toilet flushes ]

I'm totally with you, Dennis.

Yeah, we're with you.

-Let's go win this.
-Dominate.

We're starting to play
like a team.

We might as well
look like a team.

Adam, what do you got for us?

Guess what, guys.

I worked an employee discount
for you. Huh?

-Hey, yes.
-Those are sharp.

Thank you.

I got him !
I got him!

No, no, no, no, no!

Thanks for the turnover,
pastry chef!

Crap!

Ay!

Why you not get him?

Come on, chubs,
let's see what you got.

Come on!

Didn't think I could reach
back there, did you?

That's it.

[ Whistle blows ]

Foul, 83!

Illegal wheel removal.

Sorry. I never dismantled
anybody before.

Whoo-hoo!

Okay, guys,
we got two seconds left.

Dennis. Dennis.

Oh, no. Just pretend like
you don't see him.

Dennis!

Hi, honey!

Red-headed stepchild!

-Okay, Thurman, you okay?
-Yeah.

I'll inbound the rock to Don.

Don, kick it to Charles
at the top of the key.

Everybody else crash the boards,
then pray.

Everybody in.

-Ready.
-ALL: Break!

[ Whistle blows ]

Give to me!

[ Buzzer ]

Yes!

Yeah!

Great shot!

Guys, beers on me!

Hey, Charles,

apparently you're not aware
of our stand on alcohol.

I'll tell you about it later.

I'm in.

-Hey, Bruce.
-Yeah?

-What time is it?
-I think it's Bracken time.

Burn, baby, burn!

I'm tired.
Just kidding.

[ Giggles ]

Hey, hey, Blake, right here.

Here we go.
Statue of Liberty.

Wow.

Brackens got a wake-up call
coming in the very near future.

Next. You're next.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Buzzer ]

Ow!

Oh, come on!

Crap!

Hey! Ugh!

Foul!

On who?

On hairy guy.
One-and-one.

Come on!

Zip it, Sasquatch.

All right, here we go,
one-and-one.

Sorry.

It's all right.
Here we go.

[ Whistle blows ]

Reset.

Thank you.

All right, orange,
maybe this is a little easier.

-[ Whistle blows ]
-Here we go.

That was beautiful.

Thank you.

I like football much better.

Here I am.

Wait, stop it!
I don't have the ball anymore!

Ow, stop it!

[ Buzzer ]

Cut me, Mick.
Cut me.

Move your leg, man.

[Bleep] Let's get this guy
out of the game.

He'll be fine, Downtown.

Nader, I need you to try
to revive him, okay?

Listen, we're playing great.
Come on.

Are we participating
in the same game?

Gene, all I need from you
is to help Jeremiah

on the double-team with Don.
Let's go.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Buzzer ]

The two teams
competing in the finals

will be Crystal Hills,
the defending champion,

and Mud Lake.

Game begins in one hour.

Hey, Thurman.

-Oh, hi.
-Hi.

I watched a few minutes
of your game.

You did?

You were awesome.

You too.

I mean, thank you.

We're in the finals.

Congratulations.

Boy, that was.. .
What a game.

Teammates are so good and stuff.

-I guess I better go.
-Yeah.

Hey, Bertha.

I don't want you worrying
about me dying

'cause I'm really feeling
pretty good.

I hope so.

You too.

You're nice.

Thank you.

At some point,
church ball ceases to be a game

and becomes something so.. .
different.

Think about game night
in your own town.

Is it just me, or is it like
family night for Neanderthals?

Moses, it's Dennis!

Come on ! We made the finals.
You got to be there!

Come on, man.
We really need your help.

MOSES: Guys, remember,
it's important to know

that losing is a big part
of winning.

We all lose sometimes.

Not this time.

[ Giggling ]

Hey.

We're gonna be late
for the game.

What's the point?
We're just gonna lose anyway.

Oh.

So that's it.

Pretty much.

Am I missing something?

It is a game, right?

Yeah.

Any money on it?

No.

Although I think maybe
the bishop placed a bet.

Any future
in professional sports?

Not that I'm aware of.

In professional coaching?

No, honey, there's not.

So, is it too much to ask

just to go out there
and have a good time?

Honey, I'm not sure
you understand the game.

What we're trying to do
out there --

Dennis, you've already won.

You helped Charles
and his family

feel welcome
in the neighborhood.

You've patched up
the relationship

between the bishop and Jeremiah.

And you took a group
of not-very-good players

and you made them a team.

Right?

You think Mosey's listed
in the phone book?

Why?

-Kids!
-Honey.

It's time to go.

Please.
What?

Just a second.

You guys will be great.

They're ready.

Yeah, good luck, Dad. Sure you
don't want some lemon bars?

They look great,
but I think I'm gonna pass.

Hello, Dennis.

You guys live three blocks away.
Why do you need a bus?

Well, we had a little
left over in the budget.

Plus, the scouts can use it
on their overnighters.

Best of luck to you, Dennis.

You're gonna need it.

Excuse me.

[ Organ plays ]

Hi, again, everybody.

I'm "Hot" Rod Hundley
along with Mark Eaton,

and we welcome you
to Church League basketball.

This is a first for me, and,
Mark, I'm sure a first for you.

It is, Hot Rod.

It's one of the most unusual
games I've been involved in.

I was watching these guys
warm up.

We could be in
for a long evening.

Okay, guys.

This is it.

Let's party!

He's gonna party.

The rest of you guys are gonna
give me the ball, right?

"Mud Lake" on one.

-Ready.
-ALL: Mud Lake!

Let's go.
Let's go, guys.

Hey, Jeremiah.

Yeah?

I just wanted to tell you again
how glad I am that you're here.

Thanks.
I'm glad I'm here, too.

And anything
that happens tonight

isn't exactly a reflection
of church members in general.

-Right on.
-Let's go.

[ Organ plays "Charge" ]

-Ready for a good game?
-Yeah.

Let's hope so.

[ Cheers and applause ]

HOT ROD: Well, looks like
Mud Lake has taken the court,

and unbelievable.

What is that they're wearing?

Hot Rod, those are the ugliest
uniforms I have ever seen.

I can't believe it.

It's gonna get uglier, too,
before this game is over.

Three!

Wow, Hot Rod,
that's a first for me.

I think we'll be seeing
a lot of firsts tonight,

the way this game's going.

Kids, don't throw the goodies!

Looks to me
like every Christian is here.

That's not exactly what
I've heard, either, Hot Rod.

[ Rock music plays ]

Every time
they come on the court,

we have to go through
this song-and-dance.

HOT ROD: The Crystal Hills
basketball team,

really an unbelievable
ball club.

They have won church basketball
12 consecutive years.

I don't know. They look like
a bunch of showboats to me.

All the smoke and these lights
and everything like that.

This is church ball, after all.

They look like a bunch of prima
Donnas, no question about that.

Hot Rod, they've got matching
uniforms and nice socks.

But Mud Lake, you never know.

They're not a lot to look at,

but they could give
Crystal Hills a bit of a run.

HOT ROD:
They are nothing to look at.

They have seven different shades
of orange in their uniforms.

And not one pair of shoes match.

Dad.

Can we have the ball back?

Yeah.

Sweet, man, let's go.

Sorry, guys.

Maybe they'll let us borrow
one of their balls.

Get the ball back, Don.

Bring it on in, gentlemen.
Bring it on in, please.

First of all,
congratulations to both teams

for making it into
the championships this year.

A reminder.

As in past years,
there will be two awards given.

Trophy goes to the winner

and a plaque to the team
with the best uniform.

I think we're gonna
take home both.

All right, before we begin,

I want to emphasize
the importance

of good team sportsmanship.

I would hate for the last game
of the last season

to mar all
of the great sportsmanship

we've enjoyed in past seasons.

Okay, Mud Lake,
I think you got the Scriptures.

[ Clears throat ]

"And it came to pass the voice
of the Lord said unto him,

'Look upon the ball.

Behold the things
which are written."'

Talking about this ball
right here?

Come on, Eileen. Let's do this.
Right now. Me and you.

Just like the newsreel said
in the beginning,

the perfect forum
to create and cultivate

feelings of friendship, unity,
and brotherly love.

The game eventually started.

And, believe it or not, they
even got a quick prayer in.

But I honestly have to wonder
if it made it past the ceiling.

Give me the ball, Nader.

Looking good, Quickstead.

HOT ROD:
From outside with a gentle push.

Feeling loose, Bruce.

Sweetness!

And Crystal Hills
takes the lead.

Here's Mud Lake with the ball.

Not here! Not here!

Having trouble keeping up.
Here he comes again.

Guys are playing for real.
What a game.

Where's Crystal Hills?
Right behind.

Wow.

Nobody open. He'll try to get
to the front court.

What?!

They get a lay-up.

Come on, ref.

I thought I got bumped,
but I love the no-call. [Bleep]

I love your shoes.

That's a "T," 97.

HOT ROD:
That's a "T," 97.

He pointed his finger
right back at the referee.

And Crystal Hills with the ball.

Hey, Nader, what time is it?

I no wearing a watch.

I'll tell you what time it is.

Showtime.

NADER:
Why you cheat?

HOT ROD: And now,
quickly, Morgan with the ball,

number 97, Mud Lake, shot, no.

He claims he was fouled.

5:52 left.

You're going down, cowboy.

Giddyup!

Ha!
Face! Face!

Blake.
He's in the game.

Here, watch Morris.

Spin move, fall away shot.

That won't go.
Rebounded by Blake.

[ Whistle blows ]

Traveling.

Come on!

Just 'cause you've never seen it
doesn't mean it's traveling.

Unlike this.

Mickey, what are you doing?

[Bleep] call and
[bleep] headband. [Bleep]

Strike three.
Hit the bench.

Come on, ref! Don't be a pansy!
Let him play!

[Bleep]

I've come to believe
that the swearing issue

is gonna be a big mountain
for you to climb.

My bad, man.
Get in the game. Let's go.

HOT ROD: Well, Jensen
checks in now for Morgan.

Swearing is a part of his game.

It's unbelievable.

Here's the technical free throw.

3: 17 left.

Gonna wipe the floor
with your face, little man.

He got me with that one
last week.

HOT ROD: And the little guy
moving, over-the-back flip.

He got it!

Whoo! Yeah!

HOT ROD:
Now they break the huddle

following that time-out
after that incredible shot.

The fade away.

Crystal Hills right back.
Slammed out of there.

Shoot it! Shoot it, Nader!
Shoot it!

Yeah!

Oh, what are we doing?
He put him in the penalty box.

This isn't hockey.
It's church ball.

Yes.

Terrible!
That's terrible!

HOT ROD: Now we're down
to 3:03 left in the half.

Alley-oop underneath,
and two for Crystal Hills.

They love it.

I got it. I got it.

Sorry. My bad.

Yes!

My bad.

Welcome back, everybody.

I'm "Hot" Rod Hundley
along with Mark Eaton,

and you're watching
church ball championship game.

We need to stick together, okay?

We need divine intervention.

What are you thinking?

I'm not sure.

I guess we can always
go to this.

Pudding in a Cloud.

What?

Page 43, Pudding in a Cloud.

Are you sure?

I'm surrounded by Christians.

What's the worst
that could happen?

This will be fun.

We should be killing
these losers.

Put your purses down
and start playing.

Pudding in a Cloud.

-Ready.
-ALL: Break!

Go, Mud Lake!
Whoo! Yeah!

Here we go.

Play man ! Play man !
No, zone! Zone!

All right, team.

Oh !
Whoops!

BISHOP: Sorry, Charlie.
I'll rethink that play.

Don, go get some ice
from the kitchen, quick.

Oh, my head.

Charles, you okay?

Charles, are you crazy?

Grandma Betty?

You didn't
just call me "Grandma Betty."

No, it's Penny and Dennis.

I couldn't find ice,
but I found raspberry sherbet.

Charles,
do you know where you are?

4:00?

Close enough. He's okay.
Let's get him off the court.

Julius, pick up your dad.
Get him to the bench, please.

Get up.
You're okay.

HOT ROD: Got to bring
the little guy out of the game.

The clock is still running.

But Mud Lake is still
very much in this game,

and they're out there
on a breakaway score.

Come on !
I was open!

SUSAN:
Yes!

No. No call.

A technical.

[ Whistle blows ]

Time-out, orange.

Okay, guys, we're down by three.
Got any ideas?

-Downtown, you got anything?
-I got nothing.

Okay, we can do this.
It's on us.

We're gonna dump it underneath
to Jeremiah,

see if we can get an easy two,
maybe draw the foul.

-Ready.
-ALL: Break!

Focus!
Put it in here.

-1 , 2, 3.
-ALL: Crystal Hills!

-Come on, ref!
-Watch it, Bishop.

You heard me!

[ Whistle blows ]

Gene! Gene!

Gene! Gene!

[ Heartbeats ]

Oh, I hate to see that.

Thurman? Thurman?

Is he all right?

Guys, I barely tapped him
on the arm.

He had a bad heart.

He had a wonderful heart.

What did I tell you
about mouth-to-mouth?

Come on, Thurm!

Come on, Thurman,
stay with us, buddy.

Thurman.

Thurman.
Thurman, come on!

Oh, no.

Oh, Thurman.

Huh?

[ Echoing ]
Echo!

[ Echoing ]
Echo!

BERTHA:
Thurman. Over here!

It's you.

Come back.

Huh?

[ Echoing ]
Come back. Come back.

Thurman. Thurman.

Come on, man, wake up.

Is this hell?

No, it's church ball.

Good.
For a minute there,

I thought I'd joined
the wrong church.

Let's get you up, buddy.

-You got any more sherbet, Don?
-Yeah.

Thatababy!

Thurman.

I love you.

You do?

Mm-hmm.

I'm glad.

[ Whistle blows ]

Orange, you have a foul shot.

You have a player
who's incapacitated.

Who's gonna take it?

-I'll take that.
-Make it quick.

Hey, Jeremiah.

I think we owe you this
from last time.

No, thanks, Dennis.

I don't want to go through
that again.

Things are gonna be different
this time

'cause you're gonna make it.

What if I don't make it?

Things will still be different.

Oh, yeah, and one other thing,
Jeremiah.

Don't miss.

[ Humming ]

You know what this guy is from
the free-throw line this season?

HOT ROD: And the big fella
is on the free-throw line,

and he could throw a brick
up there, Mark.

You got to take a stand for
the big guys once in a while.

I'm feeling this.
I think this one's good.

Hey, Jeremiah, final seconds,
game-winning shot.

No pressure, huh?

HOT ROD:
Well, his knees are shaking.

Here he goes.

MAN:
Sorry, people.

Hey, what is this?
This ain't funny!

Sorry.
You got to leave.

I got to shut this building
down.

Come on.
Let's go, people.

Hey, you, partner.

Yeah, I'm talking to you,
Buckowski.

Come on, people, come on.

This is the final second
of the biggest game of the year.

He shoots like my grandma!

Hey, Buck, I understand

you installed
a new security system out back.

Yeah, I did.

-Can I take a look at it?
-Sure.

-Is there a camera there?
-Yeah.

Go, Jeremiah.

Giddyup, cowboy.

Come on, buddy.

Come on.

He made it!
Unbelievable!

Yes!

Crystal Hills goes home
with their backs to the wall,

and Mud Lake has won for
the first time in a long time.

You made a great call.

Needless to say,

Mud Lake now has two awards
in the trophy case.

A plaque for best uniforms,
1981,

and a trophy from the last game
of the last season

of church ball.

[ Cheering ]

Play ball!

Strike!

Come on, ump, you blind?

That ball was inside!

You couldn't see water
if you fell out of a boat.

Watch it, Bishop.

You watch it, Stevie Wonder!

You watch it, Stevie Bishop.

Hey, Bruce,
how's that arm feeling?

You're distracting the batter.

You seem a little soft.

[ Bat cracks ]

-Yes!
-It's no good.

Oh, come on, ump.
That's foul. It's clearly foul.

High 10! High 10!
You're too slow.

Come on!

Bracken.

Winning.
It's what we do.

Oh, really?

[ Laughs mockingly ]

-Everybody be cool.
-Calm down, guys.

Calm down!

Back up!

If I didn't have a bad knee,
I'd be over there!

You want a piece of me?

Charlie, watch yourself.
Go get the big guy!

I got it. I got it.

Come on!

♫ There must be love ♫

♫ There must be love ♫

♫ There must be love ♫

♫ There must be love ♫

♫ Like this ♫

♫ I've been making a list,
I've been checking it twice ♫

♫ 'Cause I wanna be certain ♫

♫ That my baby not creeping
on the night, y'all ♫

♫ Or if she out flirting ♫

♫ 'Cause there
one thing missing ♫

♫ There one thing missing,
and I don't mean maybe ♫

♫ If you want some loving ♫

♫ If you want some loving,
you gotta be my baby ♫

♫ There must be love ♫

♫ There must be love ♫

♫ There must be love ♫

♫ There must be love ♫

♫ Ooh, tickle my back
or the top of my neck ♫

♫ And call me your baby ♫

♫ Act real sweet,
baby, so complete ♫

♫ To think that maybe ♫

♫ I might take you home ♫

♫ I might do the thing that
I do when I get a bit crazy ♫

♫ But there one thing missing ♫

♫ There one thing missing,
you gotta be my baby ♫

♫ There must be love ♫

♫ There must be love ♫

♫ There must be love ♫

♫ There must be love ♫

♫ There must be love ♫

♫ There must be love ♫

♫ There must be love ♫

♫ There must be love ♫ ♫

♫ Watch your back ♫

♫ you better watch your back ♫

♫ Watch your back ♫

♫ you better watch your back ♫

♫ Watch your back ♫

♫ Watch your back ♫

♫ Watch your back ♫

♫ Watch your back ♫

♫ Watch your back ♫

♫ Watch your back ♫

It was kind of towards the end.

I picked my feet up,

and they wanted to sit down
the same place I picked them up.

It got a little tiresome.

And we made it to the top.

I couldn't keep up
with the scout.

Thank God
for the side of the lake...