Original subtitles

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Don Knotts.

Oh, look at our Deputy Sheriff,

sleeping like a baby.

Let him be.

I wouldn't think of disturbing him.

Oh, uh, Aunt Bee.

Have you got any lipstick in your purse?

Yes, why?

Oh, could I borrow it?

What do you want it for?

Oh, nothing, just let me borrow it.

Hey, Barney.

Barney? Barney? Barney? Barney?

I believe Joe Waters has got his truck parked

a little too close to that fire hydrant.

You want to tell him to move it?

Uh, yeah, yeah, I'll tell him.

Hey, Joe?

You got your truck right up here to that fire hydrant.

Move it out of here.

Sure, Barney.

Sure.

Hey, Barney?

What's with that Joe Waters?

Why?

He just threw me a kiss.

Well, I don't blame him, Barney.

With that lipstick all over your face,

you do look kind of sweet.

Oh, boy, you're just full of fun today, aren't ya?

Why don't we go up to the old people's home and wax the steps?

Well, I'll be dogged.

Andy, Andy, Andy. Howdy, Bert.

Hi, Andy.

Bert, I ain't seen ya in a while.

How ya been?

Yeah? Well, I don't know.

I'm middlin', middlin'. Middlin'?

Yeah, my feet been troublin' me a lot lately,

and I got the bursitis in my shoulder

from carrying that suitcase around.

Got so I can't stand the sound of them doorbells

but I'm middlin', middlin'.

Middlin', that's a good way to be, middlin'.

You know, Andy... Hi, Bert.

Hiya, Barney.

How are ya?

Middlin'.

He's middlin', he's middlin'.

What are ya sellin' these days, Bert, anything?

Oh, this and that.

Like what?

Oh, first one thing, then another.

Well, what's in the suitcase?

Different things.

For Pete's sake, Bert, open it up.

We might buy somethin' off of ya.

Oh, you probably don't need nothin' no way

and I don't wanna appear pushy.

Nobody'll ever accuse ya of that, Bert.

Now-now, what's in the suitcase? Show us.

Well, all right, you want me to show ya?

Ah! See, that's what I mean

about that bursitis in my shoulder.

I been tellin' Andy,

from liftin' this suitcase all the time,

I got bursitis in my shoulder. Shame.

My feet been troublin' me a lot lately, too.

Oh, that's too bad. Tell him 'bout the doorbells, Bert.

Them doorbells, ringin' those doorbells drove me crazy.

Ringin' them... Yeah.

Just like I told you fellas... A little bit of this

and a little bit of that and the next thing

and that's about the whole kit and caboodle.

Well, let us look in there one time, Bert.

You got any razor blades?

Razor blades? Yeah.

Why?

Well, I'd like to buy some.

You sure? I mean don't buy 'em lessin' you need 'em.

I'm sure, I'm sure.

Well, now, look, Andy...

If it's a shave ya want, I'll lend ya my razor.

No, Bert. Don't look to me like you need a shave.

Bert, I'd like to get some blades.

Well, all right, all right.

I just don't wanna push myself on ya.

Ya got any socks, Bert?

Socks?

Size ten and a half.

Yeah, but I'm gonna give ya a size 11.

They're just as cheap

and they wear a little bit longer.

Could be you're still growin'.

That's good, Bert.

Yeah. Heard that from a fella in Raleigh... he's a character.

Still growin'. Yeah!

Well, hello there, Bert.

Oh, uh, hi, Aunt Bee.

You haven't been by our house lately.

Well, no, ma'am, I was tellin' the fellas here

I have trouble with my feet lately.

Oh! Tell her about your bursitis.

In the shoulder, ma'am...

Yeah, and the doorbells bother him, too.

The doorbells drive me crazy. Oh, well, I'm sorry.

What have you got in your suitcase? Well...

Oh, he's got first one thing,

then another in there, Aunt Bee.

What about different things?

Oh, I forgot different things.

And a whole lotta this and that.

Oh, I don't know.

I think Aunt Bee'd like

one thing and another.

Hard to tell... Either that or different things.

Yeah. What are you talking about?

Now look here, Aunt Bee. It's either gonna be

socks, razor blades or first one thing and then another.

Now, we ain't got time to stand around here while you

make up your mind... we're busy. I want an apron.

You want an apron, you get an apron.

All you have to do is speak up. Where's the aprons?

Under the spoons. Under the spoons.

There's your apron,

and here's a pair of socks.

Socks? What's she want with socks?

She's got some real long garters.

Oh, stop it.

How much for the apron, Bert?

87 cents.

Oh, well, you pay for it, Andy.

You see to it that you come by our house.

Bye, boys.

Bye, Aunt Bee. Bye, Aunt Bee.

87 cents. Ooh! Watch the hat.

Don't wanna squash the hat, no.

With the bursitis and the sore feet

we don't wanna give him a head cold.

Is that all the high sheriff got to do, just sit?

Why, howdy, Ben. Is there somethin' I ought to be doin'?

Yeah, you ought to be tendin' to your job, is what.

Huh? Come on over here.

You know they don't allow peddlin'

on the streets of Mayberry. Why don't you stop him?

Bert? Well, he ain't really peddlin'.

Well, it sure looks like it to me.

What if he is, Ben?

Now, look...

I'm a legitimate tax-payin' merchant

and I say get him off the street.

Oh, he'll be movin' along pretty soon.

Anything else?

No, there's nothing more.

Just stop him selling on the street.

If you want to keep on bein' sheriff

get him off the street.

Well, of all the gall.

Why'd you let him talk to you like that, Andy?

Boy, I sure wouldn't.

You wouldn't?

No. You know what I'd have said

if he'd have jumped on me like that?

What?

I'd have said

"Who died and left you the boss?

"Why don't you go set in a grocery store

so we can all know you're the big cheese?"

"Know you're the big cheese"?

Yeah. That's good.

Yeah, big cheese.

Hey, uh...

Hey, Barn? Huh?

We ain't got much to do

right here in the middle of the week, have we?

No.

Wanna have some fun?

How?

Let's pick at ol' Ben a little bit.

He says he don't want Bert sellin' on the street.

Let's move that bench

over here in the vacant lot and put Bert's suitcase on it

and set him up a little temporary store, huh?

Yeah, let's do that.

Come on, come on, come on.

Hey, uh, hey, Bert?

Yeah. Say your feet been botherin' ya?

Oh, yeah, my feet been givin' me a rough time.

And your shoulder's hurtin' you? Bursitis.

Bursi... and the doorbells bother ya?

Well, you know I can't stand them doorbells.

Well, I believe we got a cure for that.

Huh?

Why don't you move your suitcase over here to Crowley's vacant lot

and set you up a little temporary store?

Oh, no, no, I couldn't do that.

Well, why not?

Well, folks might get the idea I's bein' pushy.

Why would they do that?

All you'd be doing would be settin' and sellin'...

No walkin', no carryin' the suitcase

no ringin' doorbells.

Don't that sound good?

Yeah, it does.

Well, do it, then.

Well, now, are you sure

that they won't 'spect I was bein' pushy?

I'm sure.

'Cause anything I hate's a pushy salesman.

I know.

Come on, let's move it.

Get the end of it.

Ah... Okay, got it?

♪ You get a line and I'll get a pole, my honey ♪

♪ You get a line and I'll get a pole, my babe ♪

♪ You get a line and I'll get a pole ♪

♪ And we'll go down to the crawdad hole, ♪

♪ Honey, baby, mine ♪

♪ What you gonna do when the well runs dry, my honey? ♪

♪ What you gonna do when the well runs dry, my babe? ♪

♪ What you gonna do when the well runs dry? ♪

♪ Set on the bank and cry, cry, cry ♪

♪ Honey, baby, mine. ♪

Yeah, yeah? Andy?

Yeah? Here comes Ben.

I think we got to him. Oh, good, good.

Hey, let's be singin'.

Yeah. "Sunshine," "Sunshine."

♪ Spread a little sunshine every day ♪

♪ Spread a little sunshine every day ♪

♪ Help someone... ♪ Sheriff, I want...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...

♪ Help someone along life's way ♪

♪ Spread a little sunshine every day. ♪

Ain't that purty?

I didn't come here for a concert.

I come here with a complaint, Sheriff.

Well, what would that be, Ben?

Oh, you know what it is.

I told you I didn't want that drummer

peddlin' in the street.

Oh, Bert? Oh, Bert ain't on the street.

He's on Crowley's vacant lot.

I'd say that's a good seven, eight feet

off the street, wouldn't you, Barn?

Oh, you know what I'm talkin' about.

And besides, the law says

that a business establishment

is not a business unless it's got a roof over.

Now, what Bert Miller's doin' is against the law.

He's peddlin' in the street.

Now, you do somethin' about it.

Now, Ben, you're gettin' yourself

all worked up over nothin'.

Now-now just listen

to this song... like they say

"Music hath charms to soothe the savage beast."

♪ Help someone along life's way ♪

♪ Spread a little sunshine every day. ♪

Ain't that purty?

Ahh!

We got him goin' good, good. Yeah.

Hey, you know, Ben's right, though.

You mean about gettin' Bert off the street?

No, about a roof.

A business establishment

ain't a business unless it's got a roof.

You got an idea?

Yeah, and it'll make Ben so happy.

Come on.

Sheriff.

Oh, howdy, Ben.

Well, what's the matter?

You look like you're about to have a spell.

You think you're pretty smart, don't ya, Sheriff?

What are you talkin' 'bout, Ben?

You know doggone well what I'm talkin' about...

Bert Miller sellin' on the street.

He's still at it.

Ben, you said a business ain't a business

unless it's got a roof on it.

Well, he's got one.

I'd say that's a roof wouldn't you, Barney?

Well, yeah, I'd say it is.

I didn't ask you.

Now, Ben, if that's a roof

the man's got a legitimate business.

I'll see ya.

Yeah, bu... now, look here, Sheriff...

That is not a legitimate...

Just a minute, Sher... Oh-oh, howdy, Ben.

You lookin' for us?

By roof, I mean a proper structure.

A bench and an umbrella is not a proper structure.

Well, I'd say a bench and a umbrella's

a proper structure, wouldn't you, Barn?

Certainly looks...

I am talking to the sheriff.

Now, look here, Sheriff,

I've been running a store in this town

for goin' on 25 years

and I ain't about to let any fly-by-night peddler

take the play away from that store.

You understand?

Now, Ben, you don't honestly believe

that Bert Miller's any competition to you.

All he sells... I'm talkin' to the Sheriff.

Say, you seem to be mighty interested

in tryin' to help this fella out. Why?

Well, because of a sayin' you might have heard of, Ben...

"Live and let live." Now the man's just tryin'

to make a honest livin', and he ain't takin' nary

a bit of business away from you, and you know it.

That's certainly the way I feel about it all.

You stay out of this.

Just the same, I'm tellin' you for the last time...

You get that man off the street, you hear?

I'm givin' you a warning.

I want it stopped, and you better see to it

because I can get it done.

You know it.

Really wanna get Ben goin'? Yeah. How?

He says Bert needs a structure.

Let's build him a structure.

I know where we can get some lumber.

Yeah? Yeah, and I'll call Raleigh

and get some merchandise sent down on consignment.

Oh, good. Oh, we'll build Bert

one outstandin' sellin' place.

We'll build him a sellin' place

that looks like a sellin' place.

Oh, that's great. Huh? You like that?

Yeah. You don't think

I'm getting too pushy, do you?

Oh, no. If there's one thing

I can't stand, it's a pushy sheriff.

You character. Come on.

That oughta make Ben happy.

He said he needed a proper structure.

Bert's got a proper structure.

Oh, hi there, Miss Palmer.

Hi. How's Doug?

Oh, he's fine, Bert, fine. Good.

This is a real nice scarf, Bert.

How much?

Well, I tell you, Miss Palmer, I'd be right glad

to sell it to you if you think you need it.

Of course I need it.

Well, I mean I don't wanna force nothin' on you.

If you think you really need it...

I need it.

Yeah, and really like it.

I like it.

I love it, Bert.

Well, if you get it home

and start hatin' it

you bring it back, you hear?

I will.

You do that.

Don't care for it much myself.

I'll get you a fancy box.

Well, howdy, Bert.

Howdy, Miss Mason.

Hi, Andy.

Good morning, Sheriff, Barney.

How's it going?

Oh, everything's going fine, Andy.

Just fine. Thanks to you. Good.

Oh, don't you mention it.

I tell you, it beats tramping around lugging a suitcase

and ringing them doorbells. Good.

Yeah, oh, this is all right.

I want these cups, Bert.

How much?

Six of them?

Uh-huh, how much are they?

Oh, you don't need six of 'em.

Oh, yes I do. I can use them.

All six of them?

Well, the children keep breaking them.

Well, why don't you take three of them and a tube of glue?

Andy, did it ever occur to you that that bird

ain't exactly what you might call a cracker jack salesman?

Yeah, it don't matter, though.

Folks will buy from Bert 'cause they like him.

That's as good as being a cracker jack, ain't it?

Yeah. Yeah.

I want all six.

Well, all right.

I just don't want to push nothin' on nobody.

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

He-here he comes.

What is this? What is...?

Wha-wha-what is this?

Well, Ben, what in the world are you complaining about now?

You said the man needed a roof. He got a roof.

You said he needed a proper structure.

He's got his self a proper structure.

What else, Ben?

All right.

All right.

I tried to get you to stop him.

I gave you the proper reasons

and I tried to be nice about it.

Oh, you've been nice. You've been nice.

Hasn't he been nice, Barney?

Oh, he's been a real sweetheart.

He sure has.

Would you say he was nicer

about the stand than the umbrella

or was he nicer about the umbrella than the stand?

Oh, I don't know. I'd say he was nicer about the stand.

Yeah. 'Cause it's bigger. Yeah.

Ben, you know you're smart.

You're smart to make people believe

that you're a skinflint

and a mean old tightwad.

'Cause if they ever found out

how sweet and kind you really are,

they'd take advantage of you.

You'll be sorry.

Hi, Paw.

Oh, hi, Ope. You sure are up kinda late.

How come?

I've been over at Weaver's shopping.

What at where?

At Weaver's.

Well, I got two questions

and I'll ask the second one first.

What did you use for money?

Didn't need any money.

He's giving stuff away.

That takes care of my first question, too.

Now what's this about Weaver giving stuff away?

It ain't just stuff, Paw.

It's valuable.

I'll show you. Huh.

See?

Balloons.

And gum.

Every kid in town's over there.

Weaver's sure doing a lot of business.

With the young'uns?

Mm-mmm.

With their folks.

With their folks?

He's giving stuff to their folks?

Not exactly, but I heard them say

Mr. Weaver's sure selling things cheap.

Sellin' things cheap, huh?

Did you notice if anybody was over at Bert Miller's stand?

Never mind.

I'll be back in a minute.

Howdy, Bert.

Oh, hi, Andy.

Things are a little quiet today.

Yeah, I expect so.

Yeah, well, folks bought a lot of stuff yesterday.

Oughta last 'em for a good, long while.

That's why I figured it's kinda slow today.

Don't you reckon?

Well, Bert, the fact is

you're being squeezed out of business.

Wha-what, Andy?

Ben Weaver's sellin' stuff a whole lot cheaper

over at his store than you can

so folks are buyin' from him.

Oh.

Uh... Bert, uh...

maybe there's somethin' you oughta know.

You see, uh... this-this...

this whole thing started as a joke.

I was tryin' to irritate Ben a little bit, and...

well, I... I guess it got out of hand.

I'm sorry about that.

Oh, gee, tha-that's all right, Andy.

Don't matter at all.

See, I never expected to stay in this spot too long no how...

Just long enough to kinda rest my feet for a while...

get over the bursitis in my shoulder

and, you know, get away from them ringin' doorbells

for a while.

Well, we, uh...

we-we did get one thing done, though.

We got old Ben Weaver

to sell things a little bit cheaper.

We... we did that.

Well, I'll, uh...

I'll get, uh, Jim Stevens, uh...

He runs a department store over at Mt. Pilot,

and he-he owes me a favor.

I'll, uh, I'll, uh...

I'll get him to loan me one of his trucks

and we'll get this stuff back to Raleigh.

Oh. Yeah, uh, Andy...

that's-that's-that's a good idea.

Get the truck

see, and I'll get this stuff all packed up here, huh?

Yeah.

Mean old buzzard.

What did it hurt him

havin' Bert run his little old stand there?

Well, we've been all through that.

Uh-oh. Looks like we're gonna have company.

Here comes Ben.

Probably wants to crow a little.

What's this Stevens truck doing here?

Well, Ben, if you have to know...

Jim Stevens has just been itchin'

to open a store in Mayberry.

Now what's going on, Andy? Well...

Did Stevens make some kind of a deal with Bert?

It ain't fair, Andy.

It just ain't fair.

What?

I didn't think you'd go this far, Andy.

I've been in business here in Mayberry for 25 years.

Now you're letting an outsider in.

No, no, Mr. Weaver... Uh, Ben, we-we didn't

know you was that interested.

Come on, Barney, we got a lot of work to do.

Let's get this shipment unloaded.

Andy, we just...

Let's get the shipment unloaded.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, le-let's get it unloaded.

Now, look here. Are you just gonna stand by

and let Stevens get a toehold on Mayberry?

Wait a minute. Where's your loyalty

to the citizens of your own hometown?

Well, Ben, you shoulda said something.

I didn't know you wanted to build another store here.

I don't wanna start another store here.

I just don't want Stevens in.

Now you can do something about that.

Well, uh, yeah, I guess I could,

but, uh... what happens to Bert?

Well, if Stevens can set him up,

I reckon I can, too.

He can go to work in my store.

Well, I'll have to ask him.

Bert, how'd you like to go to work for Ben Weaver?

Huh?

No more walkin', no carryin' a suitcase,

no ringin' doorbells... Just a nice job in a store.

You said you liked it.

Yeah, well, it sounds fine and all... and, and...

Oh, yeah, I-I'd be glad to, if you think he needs me...

I mean if he really needs me.

Oh... just a minute.

Uh... He, uh...

he said that, uh, he might go to work for you,

but he is wonderin' somethin'.

He is wonderin', uh, who needed him more...

Uh, Stevens or, uh... Oh, for...

I'll pay him as much as Stevens'll give him,

and more than that.

Just a minute.

He needs you, Bert.

He needs you.

Oh, that's fine.

I can start anytime,

as soon as I get this merchandise returned

and kind of clean up around here a little.

Uh, wait, wait, wait.

Wait just a minute.

Uh...

he'll come to work for you, on one condition.

What's that?

That you buy out his stand, lock stock and barrel,

and move it off the lot.

I've got no use for that stand.

Well, somebody else might have.

I guess I just bought myself a stand.

Okay.

When can you go to work?

Tomorrow morning, Mr. Weaver.

I hope you're gonna like the way I do my job.

I can sell,

but I just don't push myself on anybody.

I'll tell you one thing... you're gettin'

the best salesman in Mayberry.

Uh-uh.

Second best.

Huh? Who's the best?

You oughta know.

You're workin' for him.

Oh, howdy, Ben. How's everythin'?

How's Bert workin' out over at the store?

Oh, he's all right.

You know, the main thing I was interested in

was seeing that lot get cleaned up...

Keepin' the new business from startin' up in there.

Wouldn't look good, you know.

Oh, about that, Ben... I'm-I'm afraid I got some bad news.

Huh? Did you pass the lot on the way over here?

No. You would have seen it.

I'm afraid there's a... there's a new business over there.

What?! Now, wait a minute, Ben.

No, you wait a minute!

You promised me that you'd keep that lot clean.

Now you're going back on your promise.

You ain't dealin' fair, Sheriff.

Now, Ben, the-the least you could do

is to go talk with the fella...

have a look at his place and-and talk to him.

I don't wanna talk to anybody.

Now, Ben, this new fella

just started his business this morning.

He's a nice fella. Now, if you will talk to him, I'm...

I'm not buying out any more businesses,

and I'm quit hiring any more salesmen.

You've got to get him out of here, Andy, do you hear?

Now, now, now, Ben...

Now... you can't do this to me.

You and me made a deal.

Now you wanna double-cross me

by settin' up another business.

I tell you I won't... I...