Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Marty DiPolo, also known as Teen Angel.

My job is to watch over my best friend, Steve Beauchamp.

Hi, Steve. Hey, Marty.

Steve's the only human who can see or hear me.

Hi, Jordan.

Bye, Jordan.

As a guardian angel, I set my own rules and make my own hours.

Basically, I'm my own boss.

Actually, that's my boss.

There's more.

I think it could best be described in a song.

There's a song about a boy named Marty.

He had great hair and he loved to party. Thank you very much.

Marty, Marty, Marty.

This is my good health angel.

And this is my safe driving angel.

Oh, and this angel protects me from all harm.

Shoots out pepper spray.

Oh, Aunt Pam, you know a lot of angels. We all do, Katie.

Beautiful angels that watch over us and are devoted to making us happy.

Hey, my chips.

Shoot me, I'm hungry.

And Aunt Louise is an angel now, and so is Grandpa Joe.

He must be the fall asleep with his hands in his pants angel.

I'll bet Marty is an angel.

If Marty is in heaven, he's trained to a bunch of other guys picking up trash.

Heaven is a very special place, and all your loved ones go there.

Even my sea monkeys?

Even your sea monkeys.

So everything that flushes down the toilet goes to heaven.

Well, not everything.

I'm afraid your mom has no idea what heaven's like.

Oh, and the clouds? They're made of delicious cotton candy.

Cotton candy?

That's the craziest... Hmm.

Hey, she's got one right.

Hey, so who would you die of?

Join the chess club?

Join the chess club?

Join the chess... Join the chess club?

Sure, why not?

Oh, boy. Now I have somebody to play against.

Chess club.

Nerd alert.

Nerd alert.

But in case you haven't noticed, girls aren't exactly falling all over each

other to go out with me.

Thanks, Steve.

You're welcome, Jessica.

Jessica Fishman just said thanks, Steve, to you.

It's even better than the time she said hi, Dave, to me.

This is a golden opportunity.

Ask around.

I don't know.

I can't talk to girls the way I talk to you.

You can't go out with me.

It's A, I'm a boy, and B, I'm dead.

Cheerleaders are untouchable.

A mystery wrapped in an enigma stuffed into a tight sweater.

You're right. I'm gonna do it.

Uh... Hi, Jessica.

Hi, Steve.

So, um... Hi, Jessica.

Hi, Steve.

Tick -tock, tick... Tick tock, tick tock.

Time's running out. Act now. Supplies are limited.

Offer not valid in Missouri.

You know, Jessica, I really like your poster.

The design, I mean.

You do?

Yeah, it shows the sophisticated use of color, composition, and

smiley faces.

Wow. No one's ever noticed my artwork before. They just see me as a cute face

a cheerleading uniform.

Oh, yeah.

I was wondering, maybe if you're not busy sometime...

I better get to home, Mac.

Well, can I take you out sometime?

Call me later.

You hear that, Marty? She wants me to call her.

Steve, Steve, he's on top.

Now he's late for metal shop.

All right.

You guys want to play bridge?

Sounds good. Why not?

I want to be east. I want to be east.

So thanks to me, Steve's going to ask out a cheerleader.

Nice shot.

Now, all this sounds very promising, Marty, but teen romance is a minefield

fraught with obstacles.

Remember what happened to Romeo and Juliet?

What?

Romeo and Juliet.

You read it in English last year.

You got a B+. Oh, yeah, Romeo and Juliet.

They went down to Mississippi on a raft.

No, that was Huckleberry Finn.

Who now?

Oh, for goodness sake.

Hold on. I have head waiting.

How many times do I have to tell them I don't want the daily news?

Now, where were we?

You were telling me about that guy that went down the Mississippi.

Huckleberry Hound.

Can I be transferred to accounting?

Oh, Mac.

Wasting valuable time and ingredients for over half a century.

Now it's time to see what Jessica really thinks.

So, anyway, Dee Beauchamp asked me for a date and...

I think I might say yes.

Yes. I feel like I've died and gone to heaven.

Again.

Steve Beauchamp?

Ew.

Not the reaction I was hoping for.

Hey, Steve -o.

Nice neck brace.

Thanks, Jordan.

But it's a tirac.

Oh. Huh? Cool.

Thought you were talking to Jessica before.

Excellent. You asked out a cheerleader?

Nice opening gambit.

She just told me to call her, but I think she likes me.

You're a cheerleader?

He's chess club? Hello.

That's like mating a donkey with a cheerleader.

That's silly. If I like a guy, I should just go out with him.

You go, girl.

But not with Steve Beauchamp.

He'll probably want to take you someplace really embarrassing, like Putt

Golf. You gotta take her to Putt -Putt Golf. It's a real hot make -out place.

So I hear.

For my friends in the Babylon 5 chat room.

Okay, okay. I won't go out with him. Oh, no.

Steve's gonna be crushed.

Good. Now, when he calls, don't be mean.

Just do what I do.

Laugh and hang out.

Even for a cheerleader, you're evil.

But you are hot.

Boy, that Jessica Fishman is hot.

Yeah. Calm down, Kenny.

I need to get back to my tie rack.

How's yours coming, Jordan?

Well, it's not what I had in my head.

Hello, Jessica.

This is Steve Beauchamp.

Jessica, hi, it's Steve.

Jessica, Esteban here. Que pasa, baby?

Steve, look at this dog I made.

Isn't he cute?

Yeah, that's nice, Katie. Look, I'm trying to do something. He likes you.

Give him a kiss.

Okay, Katie.

That's his bottom.

Now, if you get Katie out of here, I'm going to call a girl for a date, and I'd

like some privacy.

Oh, honey, let me give you some advice about dating.

Whatever you do, don't listen to me.

Thanks, Pam. I'll do that. No, don't do that.

That's the point.

Get out of here.

These Poppins are a lot harder than they look on Bewitched.

It's okay.

Look, I'm glad you're here. Now you can help me practice for this phone call.

Steve, about that.

I'm not sure calling Jessica is such a great idea.

Come on, look. I'll be me, you be Jessica, okay?

All right, here we go.

Ring, ring, ring.

Ring, ring, ring.

Hello?

Jessica, hi, it's Steve Beauchamp.

Oh, hi, Steve.

I was just thinking about you as I put ointment on my enormous canker sore.

Ring, ring, ring.

Joe's Pizzeria. Joe no hair.

Marty. I didn't know hair either. I got orders.

I guess we're done practicing.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta make a call to the real girl.

Fine. I'm outta here. Okay.

Where's your body?

I don't know.

Last time this happened, it wound up in a dumpster.

All right, here goes.

Just relax.

Hello, Jessica.

Hello, Jessica.

Hello, Jessica.

Hello. Jessica.

Jessica, hi. This is Steve.

Steve, I had a feeling you were going to call.

You did?

Call it women's intuition.

Coming from a girl, which is what I am.

Yeah, right.

Listen, I was wondering, maybe we could get together this weekend and... Ooh,

sorry, I'm not good enough for you. Bye.

No, wait, wait, wait.

Please don't say that.

Um, how about Friday?

Friday? Are you okay?

Oh, yes.

Fine, fine.

Everything's fine.

Great. I'll pick you up at 7 .30. 7 .30?

Uh, I mean, um, okay.

Yes, thanks, Jessica.

Bye.

Yeah! I've got a date with Jessica Fishman. Oh, no.

I have a date with Steve Beauchamp.

couldn't bear to see my bud get hurt.

Spoken like a true guardian angel.

To feel the pain of others is a sign of pure grace.

So I agreed to go out with them on Friday night.

You have a tape of steam.

The other heads are going to roll when they hear this.

Are you done?

Almost.

All right.

As I see it, you have two choices.

Tell Steve the truth.

Or there's the quick and dirty way.

Quick and dirty. Quick and dirty.

Why am I not surprised?

All right, Marty.

For the purpose of this date, I will give you the power to become Jessica

Fishman. Really?

But hands off the merchandise.

No fair.

It is done.

Now, becoming someone else isn't an easy power to master. You'll need to work on

it. Piece of cake.

Watch this.

Jessica Fishman.

So handsome.

Oh, my little boy's first date.

It's not my first date.

Your first date outside the family.

Mom.

Steve, I made you a croissant to give to Jessica.

Thanks, Katie, but I don't think Jessica... I killed my dog to make you

Thank you, Katie.

Smile, honey.

Mom. Have fun.

Come on, Katie.

Oh, hey, Marty. Hey.

Just came to give you some last -minute advice.

Don't touch her, don't kiss her, and remember, no means no.

Here goes nothing.

Hmm. Suddenly I really want to listen to a Linus Morissette.

Hey, thanks for driving us, Aunt Pam.

Tonight I am not your Aunt Pam. I am your limo driver.

Jessica? Hi, Steve. I was so excited, I thought, why not come early?

Well, let's go.

You okay?

No problem. No problem.

I'm just not used to high heels.

So, where am I driving you?

Well, I was thinking we could start off at the mall.

Keep her away from the pottery barn.

Jessica, you look great.

Jessica?

That's me, Jessica.

I'm Jessica.

Great. She talks just like she walks.

After the movie, where do you want to go eat?

Some place with salad.

We women love salad.

That and that jerk from Lord of the Dance. We love salad.

Yeah. That man moves like pure poetry.

You idiot!

You're a fuzz guy!

Oh.

I had to stop time.

Sorry.

Oh, dear.

No, so you really like the Van Damme movie?

Oh, yeah, especially when he hit the guy with the two -by -four and said, Oh,

getting bored.

Nice.

Man, is she hot.

A woman can appreciate another woman.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, you're the prettiest girl here.

Did I say something wrong?

No.

Jordan.

Jordan LaBelle.

What a surprise to see you here.

So, Jessica.

Look, I'm sure that you guys have a lot to talk about, so I'm just going to

leave and never come back.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, it's not my style to interfere with another guy's date.

Interfere all you want. Please.

Sorry.

God. Why do you give me this power over women?

Is everything okay, Jessica?

Sure. Sure.

I just have to go to the bathroom.

This darn bra is so tight.

It's on backward.

Oh, well.

La -di -da.

Those pumps are torture.

I just gotta let down Steve gently and go home before this thing gets any more

complicated.

Ah! The real Jessica.

Hi, honey.

You changed clothes in the middle of a date?

Do I know you?

Gotta get her out of here.

I know.

I'll set off her car alarm.

Ooh, your powers are great, too.

Can't let her get to Steve.

Gotta think fast.

Mental

note.

Practice thinking fast.

Stick to the plan.

I'm almost out of the woods.

Hey, is everything okay?

Fine, fine.

Everything is fine.

How

did

it go?

Great. I found a hair in my potato skin and got a free dessert.

I missed the date.

Oh, that.

Still going on? Out there on the porch?

Young love.

Boy, girl, and the moon.

Just like I remember it.

Look, Jessica, I'm not very good at this, but could I give you a goodnight

A kiss?

On the lips?

With me?

Now that's the way I remember it. remember it. I

guess this means you won't be taking me to the homecoming dance.

What did you do with my date?

Don't you get it?

There was no date.

Well, there was with me, and I had a wonderful time.

But you didn't go out with Jessica.

I didn't?

No. I found out she was going to blow you off when you called, so I took her

place. That way you wouldn't feel so bad.

It didn't work.

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Yes. But at least you'll be throwing up a lovely dinner.

Marty, why didn't you just tell me the truth?

Of course, the truth.

If only someone had mentioned that earlier, this whole ugly mess could have

avoided.

Point taken.

Man, I thought I was doing so well on this date.

Turns out that's because I was dating you.

Hey, man, any girl would have had a great time tonight. You were funny,

charming, a little cheap.

I notice I'm not holding a box of chocolates.

You really think I'm a good date?

Yeah, because you're being yourself.

It goes like that.

Besides, you are cute.

Shut up.

Oh,

you've got a young Conan O 'Brien thing going on.

And you have great eyes.

I said shut up.

Robert speaking.

Will the student who stole the letters C and L from the class of 96 plaque

please return them? That is all.

Steve. Oh, hi, Jessica.

Hey, I thought you were going to call me the other night. What happened?

Yeah, I was, but... Was it something I did?

I hope it wasn't something I did.

Oh, I get it. By not calling her, you made her insecure.

Now she wants you.

Just like I planned.

All right.

I lucked out.

Oh, is it okay if I call you sometime?

Yeah, sure. Yeah, that'd be great. Great.

I'll talk to you soon.

Okay.

Steve Beauchamp!

You just had the cutest girl in school ask you out on a date.

What are you going to do now?

I'm going to the chess club.

After dinner, I was thinking we could go see the Bette Midler movie.

Bette Midler?

That cow?

Let's see some Van Damme.

Marty? Did you just tell me, Marty?

Will you relax?

It's not me this time.

I would never wear those shoes with that blouse.

Hello?

Got a pair of threes.

I will raise you a dollar.