Original subtitles

Reggie?

Come on, reg.

( knocking continues )

Reg!

All right, already, I'm coming.

Whoa, geez.

Whoa, in the morning, not so hotso.

Boy.

No kidding, reg.

Give me a break.

I'm running late.

You live upstairs.

What is it, like, a 20-foot commute?

Come on, I need coffee.

I need coffee.

And a shower.

( clattering )

( grunts )

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

Bob: So, uh...

Who did what this weekend?

Jake, you first.

Uh, guys, this is amanda.

I met her at a wedding in jersey this weekend.

Wow.

Usually they just let you take home a centerpiece.

She gave me a ride home and she wanted to see where I worked,

And, well, what can I say, she got a little excited.

By what, your extensive gum selection?

By everything.

( moaning )

Oh, please.

You know, I'd say, "get a room," but I think we're in it.

Reggie: Oh, wait a minute.

Did you guys have sex in here?

You just got that?

That's disgusting!

Hey, don't complain.

Your diner finally has a satisfied customer.

Well, sorry.

You know how people get carried away

When they're, uh, newlyweds.

Newlyweds?

Yeah, we got married. Yep, we got married.

What?

Married?

You heard us-- we're married.

Oh, my god, I don't know what to say.

Uh... Well, congratulations.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, congratulations, jake.

You got married?

Oh, yeah, it was just sort of this spontaneous thing.

We were both in the wedding party

And we were paired up to walk down the aisle together.

Yeah, and the minute she took my arm,

There was this connection, and it was amazing.

No, w-w-wait a minute, wait a minute.

You got married?

So, after the ceremony, you know,

We talked and danced all night.

Next thing I know, it's 4:00 in the morning,

I'm in her car, driving, all right,

Amanda's through the sunroof, with her top off, screaming!

( both laughing )

You were driving?

You were topless?

You got married?

So, Sunday morning, we got a minister

And, well, the rest is history.

Mm.

Driving?

Topless?

Married?

Uh, you know, we should probably go

Because we have a million things to do.

Yeah, listen, guys,

We're having a party tomorrow night to celebrate,

And we really want you to be there.

Okay, yeah, we'll be there. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Bye.

( chuckling )

Can you believe it? Jake's married.

I just wish we could've been there

To see the wedding.

If we'd gotten here five minutes earlier,

We could've seen the honeymoon.

Well, it's official--

Love's not only blind, it's deaf and dumb.

You're terrible.

Reggie already called me and told me everything.

I think it's great

That jake got married.

Yeah, why would you take a beautiful tradition

Like nailing a bridesmaid at a wedding and ruin it?

I think it's romantic.

Romantic?

They drove in from jersey

And they did it on the floor of a diner.

The last time louis and I were on the floor,

We were looking for the remote.

I mean, what was he thinking?

You know, marriage isn't supposed to come

At the beginning of a new relationship.

It's supposed to be a last-ditch effort

To save a dying relationship.

For god's sake, he doesn't even know the woman.

I almost married a guy I didn't know.

Really? Who was he?

I just told you-- I didn't know.

Actually, the story isn't

That interesting.

I was in turkey, there was a poker game,

It was holy week--

Well, you know the drill.

Anyway... Um...

We're all going in on the gift.

Oh, oh, great.

Now I'm being blackmailed into getting a gift.

Oh, right, blackmail--

That's the part of the story I forgot.

I mean, margaret, the marriage is a joke.

We can't be expected to get a gift.

We're not expected to get a gift, john.

We-we want to give a gift.

It's our way of sharing our joy.

Yeah, well, I can't spare any joy.

I'm running on fumes as it is.

Hey, guys.

Looks like you got yourself

A small fracture... Ricky.

What happened?

Well, he was moving some boxes.

We got this new shipment.

Imported merchandise. Great stuff.

Yeah, great stuff-- you know, watches... Rings...

Bracelets... Necklaces...

I got it.

And we got some great ricard-vanoux clocks.

Never heard of them.

You got to be kidding. He's got to be kidding.

No kidding, these things retail for at least 300 bucks.

Yeah, but we'll cut you a deal.

Oh, yeah? So, they're stolen?

He didn't say that. I didn't say that.

So, they're real?

He didn't say that.

They're reproductions.

You know... Vanoux-esque.

Yeah, yeah, let me ask you something.

Would something like that make a good wedding gift?

Well, when you care enough to almost make it look like

You've sent the very best. Ah.

How much?

We were going to sell them for $50.

But for you, $35.

$30.

Done.

$20.

Whoa, you just agreed on $30.

I didn't agree.

You said, "$30." I said, "done."

I wasn't done.

Trust me...

You're done. You're done.

Coffee, reg.

Oh, good. I'm glad you're here.

We need to talk about jake's gift.

It's 50 bucks a person.

Not for this person.

You're not getting them a gift?

I swear, becker, you're not only the least romantic man I've ever met,

But you're the cheapest.

Really?

Would you call... This cheap?

Oh, my god, becker, it's a ricard-vanoux.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I always wanted one.

Well, I'll tell you what.

When you get married,

If time is still measured on a clock, I'll get you one.

Oh, please, like you won't be dead by then.

Oh, come on, by then we'll all be dead.

Why'd you get them a present anyway?

I thought you said their marriage was a joke.

Well, it is a joke,

But jake's my best friend

And, well, margaret guilted me into it.

What are you getting them?

You'll see. Bob should be here any minute.

You let bob pick out your gift?

He's not picking it out; he's picking it up.

Oh, my god, what did I do?

Greetings, all!

Bob, why aren't you carrying

Two crystal champagne flutes

With a matching ice bucket?

Done to death.

Change of plans.

What did you do?

I bought them the one gift that every newlywed wants

More than anything else in the world.

That's right, you guessed it, beef.

Beef?

Yeah, think about it, reg.

Not everybody drinks champagne, but everybody loves beef.

Not vegetarians.

You know what?

You didn't chip in, so you don't get to talk, okay?

Anyway, this isn't just any beef.

This is montana beef--

So fresh, they kill it in the truck

On the way to your house.

Bob, you're taking it back.

Nobody wants meat for their wedding.

How do you know? You've never been married.

Well, by the time I get married, you'll be dead.

Reg...

Oh, shut up.

Hey, everybody.

Hope you all can make it to the party tonight.

Yeah, yeah, I'll see you tonight.

I got to go call montana

And get them to turn a truck around.

Did we invite him?

Doesn't matter. He'll show up anyway.

So, what time you want us there tonight?

Oh, yeah, the party kicks off about 7:30.

Oh, actually, it's 8:00.

Well, 7:30, 8:00, whatever.

No, not "whatever."

8:00.

Did we or did we not agree on 8:00?

Well, I-I told them 7:30, figuring they'd be a half hour late.

This way, they'll be on time.

I have an idea.

Why don't you tell them 8:00 and have them show up at 8:00?

Jake: You know what, don't take it out on me

Just because none of your friends want to come.

My friends don't live here, jake!

And besides, they have real jobs.

They can't just drop things on a moment's notice.

You know, making wind chimes out of soup cans is hardly a job!

Oh, but selling combs and candy is?!

Hey-hey, don't you yell at me!

Don't you yell at me!

Well, how else am I supposed to get anything

Through that thick skull of yours?!

Oh, oh, oh, so now I'm stupid?

You know what? You just drive me crazy.

You drive me crazy!

Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

No, baby, I'm sorry. No, I'm-I'm sorry.

Oh, great, now we're all sorry.

Jake, let's go home.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

What the hell was that?

The shortest production

Of virginia woolf I've ever seen.

( jazz music playing )

Okay, can I have your attention, please?

A bunch of us down at the diner

Chipped in for a wedding gift.

Well, except for becker, who, as we all know, is a cheap bastard.

Hear, hear.

Hey, that was not the toast.

So, if you'd all step over to the window,

Bob will show you what, in his humble opinion,

Is a pretty amazing gift.

Bob, what's going on?

I thought you were supposed to get champagne flutes.

That's what I kicked in for.

Change of plan, girls. Go with it.

Come on, jake, you're not even looking out the window.

What difference does it make?

What are we supposed to be looking at?

You just look out there, you'll see it.

That party over there that's better than this one?

No. Look up.

You see the big dipper?

Others: No.

Well, if you could, you'd look 18 stars over

And see the newest star in the galaxy.

It's inspired by the love of jake and amanda

And it's called "ja-manda."

You are so dead.

And you're in big trouble.

Wow, guys, that is an amazing gift.

Thank you, everybody.

And so original.

I mean, most gifts are so stupid.

Like, who needs another blender or champagne flute.

Yes, we thought it would be the perfect gift.

( laughing )

We did?

The train's leaving; I'm getting on it.

Yeah, well, I got something for you, too,

And it's something you can actually see, hold

And know for sure exists.

Yeah, that's for you.

Huh?

Oh, my gosh!

It's a clock, jake, a ricard-vanoux.

This is so beautiful.

Wow, j-john, for a normal person this is a generous gift,

But for you, it's... It's a miracle.

You know, I know just where to put it.

Over here on the credenza. Oh, no, no, no, honey.

I think it would look much better over here on the table.

Yeah, but you know, I want to put it over here.

This is the perfect place for it.

Trust me, it's better on the table.

Oh, what, because I'm blind,

You think I don't know what looks good?

No, I think I have better taste.

Oh, so, now I have bad taste?

From the looks of this place, you've always had bad taste!

Well, maybe I do! I married you, didn't I?!

Fine! Fine, why don't you take back your stupid ring

And your stupid friends and their stupid gifts?!

( crashing )

Amanda! Amanda!

Don't you yell at me!

Amanda: Don't you yell at me!

Jake: I mean, what is your problem

Starting a fight...

You know, I just love giving gifts.

It's how we share our joy.

Well, say what you want,

But they'll always have ja-manda.

Amanda: Listen close, so you can hear me walking out the door!

Jake: Well, great! Here's 20 bucks for cab fare!

Amanda: Keep it! I don't want to take all your money!

Jake: Don't you ever get tired of embarrassing yourself?

Amanda: I guess not. I hooked up with you.

This is awkward.

Well, I think that party's still going on

Across the street.

Jake: I'm sorry.

Amanda: Oh, come here.

( moaning ): Oh, jake.

I don't think they're fighting anymore.

Amanda: Oh, jake!

This is even more awkward.

Amanda ( moaning ): Oh... Oh, jake.

Jake ( moaning ): Oh, amanda.

Oh, crab puffs!

( amanda and jake moaning erotically )

Amanda: Oh... Oh...

Oh, jake!

( moaning stops )

Oh, thank god.

( moaning begins )

I'm telling you, I think we should leave.

No, that would be rude!

As opposed to what they're doing in there?

Yeah, I feel dirty.

Really? How dirty?

Come on, let's leave.

John, sorry about your clock.

Hey, I did my part.

Lunatics want to smash my wedding present, that's their problem.

Well, they can get it fixed.

All they have to do is take it back

To the store where you bought it.

Yeah, whatever.

Ooh, yeah, store.

Uh... You know what?

Maybe I should take it back for them and, uh...

Get it fixed, you know?

Look, before we leave, I got to get my coat.

You didn't have a coat.

All right, all right, I'm coming!

Margaret, look over there.

He is so hot.

Which one?

The hot one.

Hey, fellas, come on back.

Hello. Hello.

Hi.

Now do you know which one I'm talking about?

No.

'cause I live here on planet earth.

Thanks for coming in... Ricky.

Is everything okay with my x-rays?

Oh, no, oh, everything's fine.

No, no, no, I just, uh...

I need another one of those clocks, you know?

My friend broke it,

And I told him I'd "take it back to the store"

And, you know, "fix it."

You can't take it back to the store. There is no store.

You got it from our van. Yeah, our van.

I know that. I know that.

That's why I need another one.

Well, we don't have any more.

Well, can't you go back to your supplier?

( both laughing )

You hear that? I heard that.

Yeah, no.

Our supplier's out of town.

For the next three to five years.

Wh-what are you telling me,

That I'm going to have to go to a real store

And buy a real clock? 'cause I can't afford that.

You can take another look in the van.

We got lots of other stuff.

Good stuff. Great stuff.

How about a george foreman grill? 150 bucks.

I thought those were, like, 30.

Yeah, but this is really george foreman's grill.

Look, I went online to the star store

And I bought them a star.

Are you calling me a liar?

I mean, I would never lie to you, reg.

What do I have to do to make you believe me?

Show me a receipt.

Okay, look, on my way to get them a gift,

I happened to pass by otb,

And there was a horse running called "wedding cake."

I mean, can you believe it?

I mean, it was hundred-to-one shot.

What are the chances?

A hundred-to-one?

I don't know, maybe.

Anyway, the horse broke his leg in the first furlong

And they took it out back and shot it.

Long story short, he didn't finish.

I want my 50 bucks back.

Okay, look, jake and amanda think they have a star,

And margaret and linda think they got it for them.

Let's keep this between us.

Bob, you're despicable.

You're totally dishonest, you take our money

And then you lie about it.

Make it a hundred, we'll call it even. Deal.

Hey, doc, what's in the bag?

The big dipper; you want to buy it?

See that? Don't touch it.

As a matter of fact, don't even look at it.

I don't want to take any chances.

I'll be damned if I'm going to spend another 300 bucks.

You spent $300 getting that clock fixed?

No, I... No, I meant, you know

The original $300 that I spent, you know, at the-the store...

Where I bought it, you know, originally.

Hey, guys.

Oh, good. Yeah, you're here.

Here's your stupid clock, all right?

Congratulations.

I don't know if "congratulations"

Is the right word.

Amanda and I just got an annulment.

An annulment?!

Oh, I'm sorry. What happened?

Well, we both realized that marriage is a big step

And that we rushed into it.

Yeah, you sure as hell did.

You know, not to mention the fact

That you two were terrible together.

I mean, come on, let's face it:

This is not a girl you marry,

It's just some easy girl you pick up at a wedding,

Sleep with and dump the next day.

Believe me, you did the right thing.

I mean, she's insane!

You just, you just got yourself

A free pass out of crazytown, my friend.

What I was going to say

Is that amanda and I are staying together.

( weakly ): Oh...

Because we happen to still love each other very much.

We're just not going to be married.

Hey, man, I-I'm so...

Hey, haven't you said enough?

Real nice, becker.

Every single day, you tell me to shut my mouth.

Today, when I needed you the most,

Where the hell were you?

Let me ask you something:

You know, when two people get married

And you give them a very expensive clock,

Then they get unmarried,

Doesn't that clock revert back to you?

I mean, isn't that the law?

What is wrong with you?

Jake is going through a very difficult time right now,

And all you care about is that stupid clock.

It happens to be...

Look, jake is not only your best friend,

He may be your only friend.

Oh, please. Come on.

W-what about...?

Or, uh... Or, uh...

Boy, I better go talk to him.

( knocking )

Hi.

Oh. Hi.

Look...

I know.

I mean it.

Me, too.

So, we okay?

Yeah. We're cool.

Hey, you know, had to be said.

( chuckles ): Yeah.

Uh, actually, you know, I better take off.

I'll see you tomorrow, my friend.

You know what, john?

There's something else.

You know about that clock?

What clock?

You know the clock you gave us for our wedding?

I wouldn't feel right keeping it,

And I want you to have it.

Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

That-that wouldn't be right. Y-you keep it.

It'll just be a reminder of a big mistake.

Well, that's what marriages are all about.

You keep it.

You want this clock, don't you?

Very much. Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry, man. ( laughs )

Oh, hi.

Oh, hey.

Hi, baby. Hi.

You know what, I'm going to take off, jake.

I'll see you later.

Why is he taking our clock?

Well, technically, we're not married anymore, so...

So he came back to reclaim his wedding gift?

Boy, that bob guy was right.

He really is a cheap bastard.

I'm standing right here.

You know what, john is my friend.

Don't insult him like that, all right?

Don't you have any tact?

I say what I feel,

And if you can't deal with that, maybe that's your problem.

You know what, john was right: You are crazy.

I must be crazy to get involved with you!

Hey, you want to leave, leave!!

Fine! Just give me five minutes to pack and I'm out of here!

Hell, you know where the door is!

You'll never see me again!

I never saw you in the first place!

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm...

( moaning erotically )

Wait, now, wait... A second.

Could I... Could I at least get the...?

Amanda: Oh, baby, I'm sorry.

Jake: No, I'm sorry, babe.

Oh, for...

I'm a bad man.

You've been bad.

I'm so bad. Bad, bad!

They're not married, and I'm out 300 bucks.

Oh... Right there?

You know, the hell I am.

( amanda screams )

It's all right, it's all right, I'm a doctor.