Original subtitles

Hope you enjoyed everything.

Come again soon.

Thanks, bob.

Not so fast.

You're eating other people's leftovers?

That's gross.

Hey, what's the big deal?

A piece of unbuttered toast, untouched eggs,

And a perfectly good strip of bacon.

It's a crime to waste food...

Although, in here, it's only a misdemeanor.

Why would you eat

Off a stranger's plate?

Because I didn't like what you ordered.

Besides, she's just going to throw it out anyway.

But I was going to keep the tip, so hand it over.

You know, you should at least split it with me.

I mean, I did bus the table.

On second thought,

Keep the tip, just lock the door.

Why would I lock the door?

Hi, everybody.

Hi, sara.

Oh, reggie, I'm so glad I caught you here.

Then again, where else would you be?

(laughs)

Anyway, as promised...

Here are my vacation pictures.

Richard, the kids, and I spent five glorious days

In bermuda.

That's an island.

Yes, filled with white people longing to be brown.

Everyone had such a wonderful time.

Oh, look, the baby whales come right up on the beach.

Those are my children.

No way.

I mean, cute kids.

So, anyway, now that I'm back,

We really should get together and go on a double date...

Whenever you find someone.

No rush.

Actually, I'm seeing someone now, sara.

All: Really?

Yes, really.

In fact, we're going to dinner tonight.

Oh, why don't we make it a foursome?

Well, I don't really...

Oh, I'll have richard make the reservations.

Oh, I'll call you.

I can't wait to meet your special someone.

Neither can I.

Neither can she.

Well, aren't you a gentleman?

Yeah, a gentleman who just found a quarter.

Becker, I need to ask you a favor.

Oh, god.

No.

Come on, you haven't even heard it yet.

I was taking jake's lead, there.

I need you to be my date tonight

To go to dinner with sara and her husband.

God, no.

Good call there, buddy.

Come on, becker, it's hard to get a date

On such short notice.

Check the back of the village voice.

You can get a date in an hour...

Or is that for an hour?

Look, reg,

If it was just you, I'd think about it--

I would still say no, but I'd think about it--

But sara is just a chirpy little snot

Who gets off on making you feel bad about yourself.

Look, becker, I'm grasping at straws here.

I'm dateless and I'm desperate.

You know, add "easy" and "lonely,"

Stick it in the village voice--

I'll bet you'll scare up someone.

You're late.

No, you're early,

And considering what you pay me,

You should be happy I'm here at all.

I hope there's somebody standing behind me

'cause you better not be talking to me.

It's my new attitude.

I just started taking

Assertiveness training classes.

Why? Back off, I'm getting to that.

I've been pushed around

Enough in my life.

So now I'm learning

To stand up for myself and get what I want,

And what I want is to leave early today

Because my class starts at 5:00.

So that's what I'm going to do.

No, you're not.

Okay.

Hi. Is becker here?

What's it to you?

Linda, knock it off.

Okay.

He's in his office.

Yes?

No!

Becker...

No way.

I'm not going out to dinner with you.

Come on, I called everyone I could think of,

Including some guy who wrote his number in the bathroom,

Claiming he could go all night.

Unfortunately, he can't go tonight.

Well, maybe he can go tomorrow night.

If I have to beg, I will.

All right.

Let's see what you got.

Come on, becker, please.

Oh, you know...

All right, fine, I'll go,

But we're going to establish some ground rules, here.

No kissing, no touching.

No cute little nicknames.

No affection of any kind.

Are we clear?

Thank you, becker.

What did I just say?

Oh, don't be such a hard-ass.

I said no nicknames!

Now that we know you're dating reggie,

It makes sense why you're always at the diner.

Well, he could have been going there

Just because he likes reggie's cooking.

(high-pitched giggle)

Richard's so funny.

Either laugh or go mad, right, richard?

So, do you two like kids?

We haven't really gotten

To the talking-about-kids point in our relationship.

Oh, well, don't wait too long.

Tick-tock.

Richard: Don't let sara rush you

Into having kids.

When it's time to end your life, you'll know.

(chuckles)

Reggie: So, um...

Anyway, richard, I haven't been seeing you

At the bakery very much.

Oh, well, I should-- well...

Oh, that's because I'm running it now.

I guess you could say

That I'm the breadwinner in the family.

I make lots of dough.

(high-pitched giggle)

You get it?

Yes, it works on so many levels.

Actually, I've always wanted to teach english,

So I got a job at the high school.

Oh, that must be really rewarding.

Oh, yeah, oh, it's great.

Although, if I wanted to have stuff thrown at me

And be called a dork, I could have stayed at home.

(chuckles)

(both chuckle)

John hasn't seen our pictures

From our vacation yet.

Oh, lucky for you,

I happen to have them right here.

(beeping)

Oh, thank god.

I mean, uh, a patient of mine

Is having a bad reaction to some medication I gave him.

I'm sorry, I-I got to go.

Oh, too bad.

We were having so much fun.

Hmm? Oh, yeah, no, right...

Yeah, uh...

Anyway, I got to go, sorry.

I hope your patient's okay.

Thank you. Um, don't wait up.

Will you excuse me?

John.

John.

Becker!

What?

Did you beep yourself?

No, I actually have a sick patient.

Isn't that great?

Yeah, for you, but I'm still stuck here.

I need your credit card.

Forget it.

Come on, becker, I didn't bring any money.

I couldn't find a purse that goes with this dress.

Those shoes don't go with the dress. You brought them.

Fine, fine.

But just remember, I had salad and iced tea, that's all,

And don't go nuts with the tip; 11% is more than enough.

Thanks, and, uh, I really hate

To ask you for anything else, but sara's watching.

So could you just kiss me good-bye?

I thought we had a rule.

Come on, becker, just one.

Geez.

High school kids have changed.

First day, they stuck a sign on my back.

I thought it said, "kick me."

Turns out it said, "kill me."

Lucky for me, they can't read.

Oh, my gosh, look how late it is.

You were supposed to just walk me home,

Not stay here and entertain me.

I hope sara won't be mad.

Oh, she's fine.

She's with the kids.

Actually, that's why she left early.

She is convinced that if she doesn't

Read the kids a bedtime story,

They won't be able to sleep,

And I guarantee you, she woke them up to do that.

(laughing)

I'm sorry, I'm talking again.

If you want me to stop, just tell me.

No, no, no. No.

I like listening to you.

Wow.

You know, I was dreading tonight,

But I had a great time.

Me, too.

Oh, and your boyfriend's very nice.

Oh, he's not...

Not what? Not nice?

Or your boyfriend?

Well, neither, actually.

What do you mean?

Well, I couldn't admit to sara that I wasn't seeing anyone,

So I asked becker to do me a favor.

Please, don't tell her.

I am surprised.

I know.

I really should have just told her the truth.

No, no, no, no.

I'm surprised that you're not dating anybody.

Oh, yeah.

Who could resist all this?

Yeah, well, I think you're amazing.

I mean, you know, you run a business,

You're going back to school, you're pretty.

Any man would be lucky to have you.

Wow, talk about things you don't hear very often.

Well, I should get going.

Oh, right.

Well, gee, thanks a lot

For walking me home, again. Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry. That was inappropriate.

It... No.

No, no, no.

I mean, we're friends, right?

Where is it, reg? Where's my credit card?

I couldn't sleep knowing you had it.

You miss the feeling of it in your pajama pocket?

So you're a pajama man, huh?

Bob likes to sleep à la mode.

I think he got that wrong.

I hope he got that wrong.

Hey, I'm not going to ask again for my card.

Okay.

Now, look... Don't go crazy.

Our half of the bill was $120, so here's my $60.

Our half?

The bill was $240?

All I had was salad and iced tea!

After you left,

Sara ordered a dinner to go for her babysitter

And a whole bunch of desserts for her kids.

You let her get away with that?

Well, what was I supposed to do?

You pull out your calculator

And you play "who had the chicken salad?"

Damn it! This always happens.

Whoever orders the most food

Always wants to split the check.

Aw, 60 bucks for salad and iced tea!

I may never get over this.

Yeah, especially if we keep reminding him.

Well, it sounds like you and john had a magical night.

Yeah. It wasn't all bad.

Did you ever find yourself attracted to someone

You never thought you'd be attracted to in a million years?

Oh, my god, you and becker?

No, not becker-- I was out with sara...

Wait a minute-- you and sara?

Let me picture this.

Why is that not as hot as I want it to be?

Not sara.

Richard, sara's husband.

Oh, reg, no.

Oh, reg, yes.

This throws a whole new light on things.

Looks like sara will soon be available.

She's not available because nothing is going on.

Besides, she hates you.

Yeah? All married and snooty, I had no shot,

But single and desperate with two fat kids?

She, my friend, is on her way to the bottom,

And bob is the mayor of the bottom.

Reg, I know you hate sara, but I can't believe

You'd make a move on her husband.

I didn't. Nothing happened.

We were just sitting here talking.

Just talking, huh?

Okay, well, we might have shared one kiss--

Oh, one really great kiss--

But believe me, nothing is going on.

You keep telling yourself that.

Oh, but nothing is going on.

We're just meeting for a friendly lunch...

At 4:00 while sara picks up her kids from dance class.

Totally innocent.

Reg, you know that after eating,

You'll want to stretch your legs,

Which leads to taking a walk,

Which leads to your apartment, which leads to sex.

Fine, maybe I'll just meet him for dessert.

Bad idea--

You'll eat too much, which leads to feeling fat,

Which leads to changing clothes, which leads to sex.

Coffee? Coffee, coffee breath.

Mints, drugstore, aisle 12, sex!

Can we meet for water?

Water?!

Why don't you just do it in the street?!

Linda: What do you mean, you peed at home?

You came here for a physical.

What do you think the plastic cups are for, refreshments?

Now go out, get a beer, and when you get back here,

Damn well better be tinkle time!

Linda.

Okay, you, sign in,

You, I want naked and waiting in room one,

And you, get me a soda.

Linda.

Oh, right, get margaret a soda, too.

Linda,

You have got to quit these assertiveness classes.

You are spinning out of control.

Go home-- take the day off and come back

When you are you again.

Don't you tell me what to do.

Go.

Okay.

Becker: She can't just leave in the middle of day.

Why do we even pay her if she's not going to work?

Don't you question the way I run things around here.

Mind your own business and let me handle it.

Okay.

Jake, I'm back.

Oh, so how was your lunch with richard?

It was fine.

We had lunch, we talked.

Did you talk about the fact that he's married?

Every relationship has obstacles.

So now it's a relationship?

Look, we didn't do anything.

What do you mean you didn't do anything?

Where does that leave sara and bob?

Nowhere. She hates you.

Always has, always will.

Yeah? Don't be so sure, my friend.

You ever go to the pound

And see those dogs who are about to get put down?

They'll go home with anybody.

Reg, coffee to go, please.

What is that, like, 150 bucks?

Oh, look who's here, the lovebirds.

Can't keep you two apart.

Yeah, unlike a check, you can't split us up.

Sara... Ever be interested

In going out with a guy like bob?

I'm married.

I'll check back with you next week.

So, reggie, I just stopped by

To say I'm sorry for rushing off last night.

I just really like to be there to put my kids to bed.

We have a whole routine--

They take a bath, I read them a story...

They have five desserts.

Well, they did polish off

The crème brûlée and the éclairs.

Little dumplings-- they may be on their way to fat camp.

Well, I got to go,

But we really should try to get together again soon.

Oh, you know, I don't think...

That's a great idea.

How about tonight?

Tonight? Well...

Isn't he spontaneous and fun?

Uh, look, sara, I really...

Sara: Oh, come on, reggie.

No one cares if you wear the same dress-- it's just us.

I'll let richard know.

Same time, same place okay? Good. See you.

Wasn't last night embarrassing enough?

Why would you want to have dinner with them again?

To get even.

Last night she fed herself

And her two fat kids on my dime.

Tonight I'm the fatty, and she's buying.

But if you order a whole bunch of food,

You're still going to have to pay for it.

Don't bother me with logic; I'm working off of spite here.

Wear something roomy.

Oh, hi, you two.

Game time.

Waiter?

Nice to see you again.

You, too. Hi, I'm paul.

I'll give you some time to look over the menus...

Don't need time. Ready now. Let's go.

All right now.

Oh, I'm still hungry from the other night.

You know, 'cause all I had was a salad?

And an iced tea...

Which actually sounds

Pretty good.

I'll have a salad and an iced tea.

Yes, a caesar salad.

I'll have a caesar salad, too.

No, no, no... With chicken.

I'll have the same.

All right then, paul,

Uh, I'll have the caesar salad with chicken as well...

To start.

Then I would like

A steak.

May I recommend the filet?

No, you can't, too small.

What else you got?

Well, there's the chateaubriand but that's for two.

I'll take it.

Okay, how would you like that cooked?

Quickly. Very good.

Oh, paul...

I didn't realize how hungry I was until I heard him order.

Oh, it's too bad

I don't eat meat.

What do you have in the way of... Lobster?

(under breath): Damn it.

Actually, we just had some lobsters flown in from maine.

Oh, what a shame-- their first night in the big city

And they have to end up on my plate.

(laughs)

Bring me the biggest one.

Very good.

Oh, paul?

I'll be right back. I have to go to the men's room.

Me, too.

Uh, what do you got

In the way of side dishes?

Well, we have a wide variety of vegetables

And our chef prepares potatoes in six different ways.

Prove it.

I'm so sorry. This wasn't my idea.

I know, I tried to talk her out of it, but...

God, you look great.

So do you.

I had a really nice time at lunch today.

I love talking to you.

I wanted to call you the second I got back.

I wish you had.

Oh, god, richard, we shouldn't be doing this.

We should go back to the table.

Yeah, we should.

In a minute.

The jumbo shrimp are the biggest ones we have.

Well, I'll take it.

Me, too. Paul: Very well.

Yeah. Oh, paul?

It just occurred to me.

I may need something to wash all this down.

A hose, sir?

I-I feel so guilty.

I mean, I don't know why.

We're just talking; we're not doing anything.

I know, but if we keep doing this...

I know.

I don't... Well, I could never do anything to hurt sara.

Oh, that's right, you'd have to consider that.

I mean, of course you couldn't.

But we can still be friends, right?

I mean, friends... Who meet for coffee?

Oh, uh...

I don't think we can.

Yeah, I don't think so either.

Let, let me see if I got this--

Jumbo shrimp cocktail,

Caesar salad with chicken, chateaubriand... For two,

One two-and-a-half-pound lobster, stuffed...

With lobster,

Asparagus, a bottle of the '94 mouton rothschild,

And a chocolate soufflé...

And for the lady...

Same thing,

No asparagus.

Excuse me.

Everything okay?

Everything's fine.

You know, I think I'm a little hungry after all.

Oh, paul?

I can't believe you didn't tell me

What was going on between you and richard.

Well, nothing happened.

Well, it could've happened, but it didn't.

Well, it did just a little bit, but...

Yeah, reg, not everything I ate tonight

Really likes everything else I ate tonight.

So could you come to the point, please?

Sorry.

It's just so unfair.

I really liked him and he really liked me.

Reg, he's married.

Everybody looks good.

Oh, that makes me feel so much better.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Look, I... You should feel proud

You didn't mess around in someone else's marriage.

You know, I've been on both sides.

Believe me,

Either way, you feel like crap.

I know.

I felt bad enough after one kiss.

I couldn't have let it go any further.

You did the right thing.

Good for me.

I get to curl up with my conscience tonight.

Hey...

Listen.

You're terrific.

You know, someday you will find someone special who...

Someone who will make...

Someone... Oh.

Thanks, becker.

That was such a nice thing to say.

(chuckles)

(sighs)

Oh, my gosh.

So I almost had an affair and you paid $300 for dinner.

That's kind of a first in both of our lives.

All I know is, we split the check and I ate more, so I won.

Now, if this...

Meal will just stay down, I'm going to be one happy man.