Original subtitles

Oh, look at that coat.

No, no, come on.

No more stops.

Let's go, come on.

You're no fun at all.

You're just figuring that out?

I never said I was fun.

I said I was in a hurry.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, wait a second, here.

I-I need something in this shop.

I'll be right back.

Watch jake.

Wait, watch jake?

Nobody needs to watch jake.

Great, 'cause I'm going to go look at that coat.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I didn't see you standing there.

It's okay. Excuse me.

Your voice sounds really familiar.

Do I know you?

I'm jane clayson from the early show.

I don't see much tv.

Have a nice day.

Uh, john?

Linda?

Okay.

This can't be good.

Okay, god, I know this is a mortal sin and all,

But I don't know what else to do, all right?

So, if you've got a plan for me, just give me sign.

Any kind of a sign.

Anything will do.

Oh, my god.

What's that?

W-who's there?

Hey, did you come from above?

Yeah.

So, you're here to help me?

Help you?

I'm the one who needs help.

Oh, you're just some guy.

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm lost.

Lost. Man, you don't know the meaning of the word.

Okay, how about I'm blind and I don't know where I am?

Well, how about I'm about to hang myself?

Okay, you win.

You can't kill yourself.

Let me help you.

Look, man, you want to help?

Tap your way over here

And kick this chair out from under me.

Man, this is crazy.

Don't do it.

Why not?

Because I don't want

To be stuck down here with a dead guy!

And, uh... There's a lot to live for?

Yeah, like what?

All right, you kind of caught me by surprise.

Just give me a minute.

What's your name?

Owen.

Owen, I-I'm jake.

Hey, jake, pleasure...

Aah!

W-w-what happened?

Nothing, nothing.

It's just, in addition to everything else,

It turns out I'm too stupid to live.

I-I don't know what your problems are,

But could you at least help me find my way home?

I-I'm kind of in the middle of trying to kill myself.

I promise you, the neighborhood we're going to,

There's a good chance you'll get killed anyway.

Linda, did jake call yet?

Yeah, but don't worry, I didn't talk to him.

What?

You've got a blind guy wandering aimlessly

Through the streets of new york,

He finally calls, you don't care enough to talk to him?

Well, he called collect

And you said, never accept a collect call.

Well, you know, at least, at least we know he's okay.

John, where is mr. Pollan's file?

I've been looking everywhere for it.

It's right where I said it was--

On top of my desk.

No, it isn't. Yes, it is.

No, it isn't. Yes, it is.

No, it isn't. Yes, it is.

I grew up in a family with seven kids.

I can do this all day.

Fine, fine, I'll get it.

It's right on top of the desk where I said...

Where the hell is it?

Margaret: Seems like if it was right on top of your desk,

You'd be out here with it already.

I'm on the phone, margaret.

Chocolate?

Oh, yeah, yeah...

(quacking)

I-I love, I love this thing.

John!

Where the hell is that?

I-it's right here.

You know, I don't know what your problem is.

It's right where I said it was all along.

(quacks)

What was that?

I didn't hear anything.

So, come on, who's up? Let's go.

Christopher hayes is in room one.

Thank you. (quacks)

Oh... Chocolate.

Well, maybe I'll just take one.

Chris. Hey.

What's the problem?

Well, uh...

It's kind of, um...

You know...

No, I don't.

Okay, but I want you to know that I played ball in college

And I can bench-press 250 pounds.

Got it, got it.

You're impotent.

No, no!

God, no!

I can get up to bat...

I just can't seem to hit one over the fence.

I'm sorry, uh...?

I can drive to the basket,

I just can't get it through the hoop.

Gee, you know, I'm usually pretty good at this.

I have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

I can't get my wife pregnant.

Well, of course you can't.

You're spending too much time playing sports.

You know, we,

We've been trying for a while and, uh...

I-I don't want to put my wife

Through a bunch of tests,

So I just thought I'd make sure it wasn't me.

That's simple enough.

I'm going to refer you to a fertility clinic.

You just give them a sample and they'll check it out.

Okay.

Hey, h-how exactly does that work?

You know, getting the sample and all?

Yeah, well, uh...

Just think of it as batting practice.

Reggie: Jake, where have you been?

I was starting to get worried about you.

(muffled): Yeah, we were worried sick.

Well, I got you here. Now, I got to go.

No, no, no, don't go.

At least sit down and have a cup of coffee.

Look, I may have mentioned, I got plans.

Wait, th-there are some people I want you to meet. I don't want to...

Reggie, bob, this is my good friend...

Owen.

Right, owen.

I was downtown earlier

And I kind of ran into owen.

Hey, look, you know,

Jake, jake here is being nice, all right?

He wandered in on me as I was about to hang myself.

Well, I got to go.

Hang yourself?

No, no, no, no, no...

Please sit down.

Maybe I can help.

I'm only six credits shy of being halfway through

My junior college psychology degree.

So you're in good hands.

Bob, this is serious.

The man is talking about killing himself.

Yeah, take notes.

Listen, you know, it's very nice of you,

But you're not going to be able to help me, all right?

This is something I...

You know, I struggle with every day of my life.

You could never understand the kind of pain I'm in.

Oh, yeah?

This morning I had a zipper accident.

You don't forget those in a hurry.

Jake: Anyway...

I'm sorry about him, go on.

No, it-it's all right.

I mean, y-you know, who am I to say

My problems are any worse than anybody else's?

I mean, after all,

You're blind and...

There's obviously something deeply wrong with this guy.

But my problems are not going to go away, you know.

Maybe it would help to talk about them.

No, I-I... I can't, I can't see as talking

Would change anything, you know,

But if you really want me to, sure, I'll tell you about it.

I mean, there was this-this girl.

Uh... Her name, name is valerie and, uh...

You know, I fell in love with her

When we were, like, six years old, you know.

W-we, uh, you know, we dated all through school,

Went to the prom together, and, uh, you know,

A month ago we were, uh, we were supposed to get married.

So, what happened?

She go lesbo on you?

Right?

No. No, no, she didn't go... "lesbo" on me.

No, the day before our wedding, she, uh...

Well, valerie ran off with a guy she'd always been in love with.

Not you, right?

Psychology.

You know, then, to make things worse,

I got fired from the family business.

Ouch.

Yeah, well, you know... To be fair,

My dad didn't really want me hanging around

After he hooked up with valerie.

But, uh, things kind of went downhill from there.

There's more hill?

Look, owen, don't give up.

Your luck's bound to change.

After all, you're, you're still young,

You're interesting,

And you're a good-looking guy.

Hey, I-I'm flattered,

But this is a really bad time for me

To start a new relationship.

Great.

Guy would rather hang himself than go out with me.

They say eating chocolate

Produces the same chemical reaction in your body

As having sex.

You know what?

Eat from your side of the box.

Hey, you know that box of chocolates

Mr. Gordon gave me for helping his cousin?

Have you guys seen it around?

Both: Uh-uh.

Are you sure?

Both: Mm-hmm.

Dr. Becker, hey.

Guess what.

I'm not going to need the results

Of that fertility test after all.

Yeah, we're pregnant.

Wonderful news.

Congratulations.

Well, just wanted to tell you the good news.

Come on, honey.

Let's go look at baby furniture.

Nothing but net.

John, I know you don't like children,

But you could have at least said, "congratulations."

Yeah, well, I got the results back

On his fertility test this morning,

And let's just say that someone hit a home run,

But mr. Hayes was not the batter.

You know, john, I can't believe

That his wife would cheat on him.

Maybe we should call the lab

And double-check on mr. Hayes' results.

No, I already did.

Let's put it this way.

You have a higher sperm count.

Dr. Becker, mrs. Hayes is here to see you.

No, no, no, no, I-I don't want to see...

Tell her I'm busy. Tell her I'm out

Of the office. Hi, dr. Becker.

I told my husband I forgot something

In our apartment so I could come back here and talk to you.

Oh, all right.

The doctor will see you now.

Oh, could we speak privately?

Oh, of course.

(whispering): Tell me everything.

I just need to know if...

Excuse me.

Ow!

I just need to know

If you got the results of my husband's fertility test.

Yes, I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to share

That information with anyone except my patient.

Well, dr. Becker, I've shared a bed with the man

For the last seven years.

I'm, I-I'm pretty sure I know the results.

Well, what do you want from me?

Well, you saw how happy he was.

Isn't there any way you could just...? Well, I'm,

I'm sorry, the best I can do

Is give you a head start so you can talk to him first.

Where would I begin?

Well, maybe it would help

If you saw a therapist or your clergyman.

Oh, I've seen them both...

...A-and there's a very good chance

That one of them might be part of the problem.

You slept with both of them?

I mean...

I see, I see.

Okay, I've made some mistakes,

But I promise you, that's all behind me.

I'm going crazy trying to think of some way to explain it.

Well...

All right, how about this?

Could it be possible that, uh

Because you suspected that your husband was infertile,

You, you made a huge sacrifice

And, uh, allowed yourself to be impregnated

By some other donor,

You know, just so...

You and your husband could finally have a family?

Let's say that I did.

All right, owen, we've been at this

For a long time now

And we still can't find anything

To convince you that your life is worth living.

Doesn't that tell you something?

But think of all the great things you'll miss.

Like what?

Like the simple pleasures...

Like playing with your dog in the park.

My dog was hit by a bus.

What about...

Warm summer nights, huh?

Summer was my dog's name.

Should've named him spring.

Then maybe he could've jumped out of the way.

Okay, so you're not ready to laugh yet.

Chocolate is just like sex.

I've had too much, and I still want more.

I can't believe we ate the whole box.

What kind of people are we?

We're not people, we're pigs.

True.

There's one piece left.

Yeah, milk chocolate with coconut cream.

Oh, I love that one.

Yeah, well, it's mine.

No, it isn't.

Is, too.

Is not. Is, too.

Listen, linda.

I grew up in a family with seven kids...

Yeah, yeah, you can do this all day.

Meanwhile, I'm taking the chocolate.

Okay.

Fine.

You want it?

Take it.

No, no, margaret, I insist.

You have it.

Hey,

When chris hayes gets here, tell him

I want to see him straightaway, will you?

Oh...

I've been looking for these chocolates.

You know, oh, that's great. What, there's one left?

Yeah, well, this one's mine.

Milk chocolate, creamy coconut...

And something else.

Whatever it is, it's delicious.

(quacking)

Dr. Becker?

(quacks) what? Oh.

Yeah, come on in.

Linda said to come on back.

Yeah, please, please.

So, can you believe we're having a baby?

I've never been so surprised in my whole life.

Well, the day's young.

Uh... So have you...

Have you talked to your wife?

Are you kidding?

We're making plans like crazy.

We're picking out names, colors for the nursery.

I just can't wait to see who it's going to look like.

Yeah, about that, um...

You know, I think you...

I think you should hear

The results of your fertility test.

I think I know the results.

My wife's pregnant.

(chuckles)

You know, let's, uh...

Let me put this in sports terms, all right?

Uh, see, you're a, you're a baseball player...

Who's sterile.

But that's impossible.

I mean, if I'm sterile,

The only way my wife could be pregnant is...

Wow.

You know what this means?

Yeah, I think I do.

It's a miracle.

Excuse me?

Well, after all these years of trying and trying,

The lord has finally reached out and blessed us with a child.

You really believe that?

Let's say that I do.

Wait a minute, owen.

I've got a great reason for you to live.

Nah, forget it.

Look, I don't know why I'm wasting my time here.

Look, there's no way

You people would ever understand what I'm going through.

I mean, you lead lives of privilege and happiness.

Privilege?

Happiness?

Lives?

Look, hangman, let me set you straight, all right?

You think you're the only one

Whose life is a flaming bowl of crap, huh?

Yeah, I used to be a successful model,

But I lost every dime I made

And then my father died and left me this hellhole.

Yeah, but...

I live upstairs.

Bob: And what about bob?

I'm broke, I got no friends,

And I haven't had sex in three years.

But what about that one...?

Look, I lied about that one time, okay?

And then on top of that,

My wife ran off with my business partner

And now I eke out a living

Sticking my hands up strangers' toilets.

By the way, I, I'm a super in a building.

And what about me?

I grew up in this crappy neighborhood

And I never left.

I run a failing newsstand, and I have no future.

And don't forget, you're blind.

Yes! Yes!

Thank you, I forgot about that.

So, you see?

You're not the only one

In the world with problems.

So if you really want to go

Kill yourself, go right ahead.

Wow, uh...

I got to admit, after hearing your stories,

I feel kind of silly complaining about my life.

But really, I mean,

You guys didn't really have to pour it on quite so thick...

As if anyone could live

The horrible lives you guys described...

But, you know,

Thanks for lying to me and making me feel better.

Yeah...

That's what we did.

So I can go now, right?

Yeah, you know,

As long as you promise not to kill yourself.

Oh, yeah, you know, look, I, I got my problems,

But, you know, I think until I'm a blind ex-model

With my hand stuck up someone's toilet,

I'll muddle through.

Whoo...

Boy, is it my imagination

Or is the stench of failure hanging on the air

A little thicker than usual?

That guy you just passed?

We stopped him from killing himself.

That's a good thing, though, right?

Yeah, for him.

The only way we could make him feel better

Was to tell him what losers we are.

And we were very convincing.

Yeah, well, I don't care what you say.

You saved a man's life.

You know, as far as I'm concerned,

That makes you anything but losers.

You really believe that?

Let's say that I do.