Original subtitles

War!

Today the world's most popular team sport,

war started its career in petty fashion.

Guts spilled, heads rolled,

but people kept on fighting.

A few thousand years passed in local squabbles of no consequence.

Then with History came Progress: flint, projectiles,

and, finally, gun powder. ln other words artillery.

That's when things got serious.

Modern weapons were deadlier and shot farther.

Leaders could now declare war

yet keep their distance.

Which didn't help their understanding of events.

Those men there, Marshal... are they ours?

- Where, Sire? - ln red.

- Green silks? - Yellow silks.

Yellow Hanoverians.D4

- Enemy. - Of course.

So green silks are...

- Our lrish friends. - Of course. Friends from lreland.

Greeks!

Scots. The MacGregor clan. Enemy.

Ah yes, Gregor! Bad enemy.

So where are our colors? How are our colors?

- Flying, Sire. - Blue still dominant?

Yes, Sire. Royal blue on blue. Superior to Prussian blue.

Blue skies would help.

What now, Chaplain?

Would Your Majesty deign

- to bless my medals? - And His Grace's blessing?

- A king beats a bishop. - They'll sell for more,

you scoundrel.

Free, they'd have no value.

Our men!

l recognize them.

- Aquitaine! - Picardy.

Not bad, either.

And there? Don't tell me.

- Champagne? - Almost, Sire. Roussillon.

Have this cleaned. lt clouds everything.

And them?

l have no idea.

- What's this... - lt's nothing.

lt happens.

As Tacitus says: Victory has its share of mystery.

- Fine words. - Very fine

Can anyone remind me, in simple terms, how this war got started

Mr. de Chaville is our memory.

Good old Chaville. Summon him to my tent.

What graceful music.

l need a battle hymn. l've launched a contest.

Excellent! Our men mustn't die unaccompanied.

But this melody lacks muscle.

lndeed! Stop!

Find me something with muscle!

We mustn't keep Chaville waiting.

How it all began? lt's simple...

l've lost the thread a bit.

Family business. A succession!

lt started there.

Austria. The death of Charles...

Don't ask what number... He dies.

His daughter, Marie-something...

Marie-Therese?

What's it succeeds.

The neighbors howl Prussia, Bavaria, Saxony. Even Spain.

And we... l mean you,

Your Majesty...

We back Saxony.

Who are we backing?

- Bavaria? - That's it!

Bravo, dear Louis!

So we back Bavaria against Therese-what's it.

And, suddenly, those beastly English step in.

So the lrish come to our aid.

- Green silks? - Quite!

Fortunately,

Prussia joins the fray. Diversions, feints,

flanking moves.

We can relax!

- Who's there? - What next?

So that's where we stand.

That's where we stand.

- ls it clear now? - Totally.

l wouldn't mind a cup of chocolate. lt helps me concentrate.

One more thing, Marshal.

Their numbers?

My spies have precise information.

Last night, we were faced

with 50,77 4 combatants on foot and horseback.

Far too many!

How dare they! And ourselves?

46,962, Sire.

- Not bad. - Plus camp followers.

46,000, you say?

- And 962. - Round that off for me.

47,000.

A lucky number!

Our recruiters have worked months...

That makes 38 volunteers to find.

My purse!

That ought to buy you

38 breasts to bleed for their King.

Or must l offer my own?

Recruiters! Urgent!

The King offers you two extra pistoles per head...

lf you sign up by noon.

Only 28 vacancies! So make up your minds. But fast!

Aquitaine! The finest regiment in the army.

Admire this uniform!

Tricorne. Gaiters. Belt.

Shoulder belt. Epaulettes. Shoulder braids. Stripes.

There's your due: Uniform, room and board, and adventure!

- And danger! - That's the officers' lot.

You get the pleasure of forcing

the enemy's farms, their cellars, their women!

Come on now!

The first to raise a hand... 3 pistoles!

Him!

Off to glory with him!

lsn't this nice? Under God's roof?

We're doing no harm.

Are you mad? You almost killed your daughter!

Aren't you ashamed?

- Us? - He's not ashamed!

Why? She didn't know her own beauty. l taught her.

Enough tricks!

- Button up! - l'm sugar and honey with your women.

Women?

- Her mother? - Bastard!

- Her aunt... - My wife!

To each his duty: The army depopulates, l repopulate.

Catch him!

- We came for the sergeant's fianc�e. - Later.

Welcome!

Don't arrest them. lt's hot, they're drunk, l'm charming.

Wipe the slate clean.

He raped my daughter! Even if she consented!

- He'll marry her! - Never. lt's unfair to other women.

We'll run you through.

l neither marry nor fight.

And you won't run me through.

- Not much in your pants! - Too much or not enough?

Make him fight!

My fencing masters

taught me all their secrets.

We'll teach you ours!

Since you insist,

l agree to give a lesson

for jackasses and gendarmes.

First control your temper. A hot head gets muddled.

A cool head sets things right.

A deep breath...

Chest out...

Then relax.

And step back. Again! And again!

Anger weakens, gentlemen!

You squint, falter, hate blinds you.

You rush forward.

Very poor!

Without a clear head,

no sense of distance.

You're too far...

or too near. Not to mention your inelegance.

No style. You're awful!

lf you want to die, do it gracefully.

A fencer is a dancer, a duelist, an artist.

Foot!

Nose!

Or ass!

My dear cuckolds,

l bid you good evening.

We have him.

- He jumps, he drowns. He doesn't... - We push him.

Poor fella. What a way to go!

To swallow that tasteless stuff!

You see what l see?

Make way! Coming through!

Move aside!

Will the bride soon be ready?

He's dried off.

Hurry! Before the priest gets too drunk.

There's no rush.

Don't waste your breath. You're getting married.

- The rites will be null. - They'll be valid, all right.

- You're engaged to me. - And me!

To all of you. Which exempts me from my word.

Had l kept my word to the first,

l wouldn't know you all.

No one will have you!

- Stop it, goose. - You see, she's weeping.

Weeping for joy.

You're mistaken. l'm an expert in female tears.

l've seen Lison weep for joy...

Get moving!

Only six more. 30 minutes to go.

You've taken cripples, drunks and simpletons.

Where will you get the rest?

lf the King exiles me, you're good for the galleys.

That won't do.

lt's better, but it won't do.

The King wants muscle. Give him muscle.

Saved, sir!

The noble Aquitaine regiment, pride of our invincible army!

Over here!

Where are you going?

19 minutes left, sergeant. 19 minutes to the galleys.

Father! lt's for a wedding!

l know where he is!

Later. There's a wedding.

But not like this.

We need banns and announcements.

No, just fianc�s and a priest.

- l can't! - Yes, you can!

Or else...

Lord! Where did that come from?

lt was left here. l never drink.

- And this? - Someone found it.

And l know on whom. The widow told me.

Righteous gossip!

Choose Marry my daughter or the bishop hears.

Since l have a choice...

Out of my sight!

Come back when you have a military ear.

- Where are they from? - The hospice.

- Honestly... - A brush, schnapps and forward march!

Welcome, children.

We have them all. Let's go home.

- We're one short. - How's that?

The 7 pilgrims made 27. The 3 deaf-mutes 30.

Plus the dwarf, the Belgian, the 5 centenarians...

We're one short.

The parish registry.

The cruets...

The missal... l don't have the missal!

So then...

We will proceed.

First the names.

Lison. Daughter of Guillaume du Moulin, myself,

and Perrine du Bois Crois�.

- Fanfan. - Fanfan what?

l don't know.

- Born where? - Don't remember.

- To whom? - lt's a mystery.

No where, when or who...

You're right null!

Yes, l think so!

A keg of plum brandy.

Raspberry liqueur!

Write down...

Fanfan. 5 ft. 6 in.

Born in Paris... Bells!

Not so fast!

You might at least ask if she and l consent.

That's a minumum.

But quick!

Lison, do you take as your husband

Fanfan no-name?

l do, of course.

You, Fanfan, do you take as your wife Lison?

Can't you speak up?

Never!

Don't let him get out!

Catch him!

You let him get away! Follow me!

What brings you?

- Father... - My child...

- l'm not your child. - Nor l, your father.

- Who are you? - Adeline.

Charming name. So?

lt's complicated.

- Go ahead. - They want to marry me off.

- You, too? And you refuse? - Yes. He's a drill sergeant.

So you're the one?

l won't be sold like some merchandise.

Who wants to sell you?

My father... My uncle.

Not even, but he raised me like a father.

What about you?

They want to force me into a marriage, too.

Whatever my future is, l'll stay free.

- Give me your hand. - No one gets my hand...

l read palms.

l can tell your future.

lf l have one.

Long life, wealth, love.

Really?

That's what l see.

Soft hand, idle hand.

But you'll be famous.

- Wealth? - Tremendous.

Some kind of general.

An officer, anyway. Powerful.

You sure you didn't skip a line?

Absolutely certain.

What now?

There's something else, much more important

than the rest.

- l can't... - Tell me! What can be more important?

Love line.

lt's a subject l have some notions about.

Not about what awaits you.

Marvelous...

The soldier meets

a lovely person he didn't know this morning his dream woman.

- Didn't know this morning? - Right.

l see happiness. Heaven. Flowers. Fleur-de-lis.

- Forests. Hunts. - Chateaux?

Lots of chateaux!

- Mine? - Your wife's.

- l'm not ready... - You will be. She's of royal blood.

- A queen for me? - A princess, at least.

The King's daughter?

The confessional...

Tell me the rest.

l've lost the thread. Later...

But remember soldier, first. Then the princess.

- He's in there! - Tramp!

Catch him!

And for last recruit: the bonus, plus 5 pistoles!

Plus 3 weeks of double rations!

Plus special leave at Christmas, Easter,

and St. Louis's Day!

Plus a summer uniform and embroidered hankies!

l can't do better...

20 seconds...

20 seconds more...

Could l read in bed at night, sir?

All night long! 10 seconds...

9, 8,

7, 6, 5...

Last and final place...

Count me in!

Your hand! That does it!

There's always the waiting list.

- He's ours! - My fianc�!

- What's this... - Beware, they're angry.

l'll break your neck!

lnsulting a King's soldier?

lsn't a king's soldier like the King himself?

That nitwit has to marry my daughter.

After the Seven Years War. 4 down, 3 to go.

lf Lison stays a maiden, l'll geld you!

Don't worry, Lison.

You'll find a suitor.

Hands up, candidates!

Your father scares them. You gave me pleasure.

l'll give you a dowry.

Whoever gets the purse gets the girl!

Go on!

ls that the suit?

That color?

Sorry, sergeant. My colors are yellow and orange.

Another time!

No, you don't!

My future's the King's army,

but somewhere else. Picardy, maybe. l'll see.

But Aquitaine, forget it!

- Aren't you ashamed? - A little, not much.

Help me. l'll give you absolution.

You, first.

Be nice. lt hurts.

l hate that!

- They're so rude! - l agree. Untie me.

l love hands.

She promises the moon.

Exactly. The moon's very good for you.

lt protects you

from keeping bad company.

Her uncle pays her.

- A pistole per recruit. - l'm different.

The army's the start for me.

l don't see anything.

That fool distracted me.

Tell me the rest.

The spell's broken.

l'll tell you the rest.

After some heroism, you become general.

Then you meet a pretty girl,

whom you marry.

Then you find out she's the King's daughter.

The King's daughter!

Then take her to the chapel. The rest on delivery.

She must be intact. No blood.

What if they resist?

Kill them all. No witnesses.

Here they come!

- What is it? - Trouble.

Don't worry. Our men will chase them away.

Any of you for a cuddle?

Don't be vulgar. Some dedication, Wanda!

You're not paid to suck candies.

Hear that?

A woman's being attacked! Untie me quick!

- To get yourself killed? - Untie me!

- Still don't hear anything? - Nothing.

Not a thing.

Maybe children playing cops and robbers.

Let me go!

Forgive their rudeness, madam.

No need to stand on ceremony.

Name your price. l have jewels.

That one will do.

You cads!

Attacking defenseless women!

l'll teach you about life...

and death!

You're all worthless!

You, l know, but them?

A pack of cowards!

The best decisions are those long pondered.

We watch and listen. Like at a play.

Be right back!

l know all the tricks!

All the thrusts.

Complete catalogue:

The Athos thrust!

The Aramis thrust!

The Porthos thrust!

No bravery?

There's bravery, rashness, subterfuge, strategy,

and military stupidity.

The nuances are infinite.

Get up! You killed 3 of my men, wounded 6.

l did my best.

Shall we?

- Fine blade! - So are you.

Let's band together.

- Quarter of the take for you, pal. - Too bad.

l was about to accept, and you get familiar.

That's something l hate,

like bandits, thieves and pompous asses.

That wasn't nice!

l'm not with them.

l was picking mushrooms. The screams scared me.

lt's worth a fortune.

The gun just went off.

- What more do you want? - To know...

You shouldn't have.

l had faith in the boy.

l couldn't deprive him of some glory.

Let her get away and it's the clink!

lt's over, child. This young man saved us.

Button up, Wanda!

People are looking.

You were admirable, sir.

Your men are as cowardly as our valets.

Our poor coach!

- Such a vulgar sight! - You're forgiven.

Aren't those fleurs-de-lis?

Yes, the motif is quite fashionable.

- We haven't met before? - We hadn't this honor.

This is incredible!

lt was foretold: the meeting, the flowers...

Own a chateau?

The child's nanny. A Pole.

- Can l see? - We took a vow. We're expected.

What's her name?

- The child must have a name? - Certainly. And your own?

- Fanfan what? - Just plain Fanfan.

Charming. l'll remember it.

lf l can ever be of help...

Kindly step up.

Sergeant La Franchise.

lf you have contacts...

Honesty and courage don't get you far without a recommendation.

Monsieur Fanfan, come here.

A reward for your courage.

- Fleur-de-lys? - A tulip, to baptize you.

Fanfan becomes Fanfan-la-Tulipe.

One pile for the dead, one for the dying!

lt all came true the soldiers, the meeting, the fleur-de-lis!

But it's just a yarn l spin.

At markets, in fairs.

My uncle has me seduce the na��ve.

That's how l live, off fables and dreams.

Fables, dreams. Thank you, Adeline.

And here's a gift for you.

What now?

lf they're asking for it!

Don't take on everybody just because you swallowed my twaddle.

Where are the ladies?

Saved. By him.

Alone?

Arrest him, and the girl!

They stole this jewel.

We saw it all. She speaks the truth.

He saved them. That's why the Marquise gave him

that brooch.

ln that case...

Did you say Marquise?

La Pompadour and the King's daughter.

- Mme. la Pompadour! - The King's daughter!

- What bliss! - What woe!

Just say, l won't marry you, Sergeant.

And you don't marry.

But l remain a maiden.

With your beauty, you have your pick of men.

Would you marry me, a gypsy orphan,

without schooling or dowry?

Yes, but you know l'm engaged to someone.

The King's daughter! Not that twaddle again!

l made it up, l said!

Sure. Maybe you did.

But it's all come true. You just triggered it.

Your gift! Give me your hand.

That fellow gave it to me to save his hide.

- Their chief. - No, just a stroller picking mushrooms.

- The fool took me for a brigand. - You really are blind!

The man in black arranged the attack. l'm sure of it!

You read his palm?

Take it, war booty! You can't refuse.

l'll keep it.

ln memory of you.

Sell it to pay back your fianc�.

What fianc�?

He's not my fianc�!

The wench!

Too religious!

lt smells of myrrh, incense! lt smells of tea!

l'm not pleased!

You hate the army and Aquitaine.

And maybe even music?

Auditions tonight, after grub!

Where are my new recruits?

Right behind me, sir!

But what an adventure!

The forest, bandits...

30 of them... 50!

l cut them all down to size!

Tell me all about it!

l started with their leader because...

- A bugle call for my men's dinner? - Grub, Sire.

Grub, of course.

As commander, l'll have my grub with them. My eggs!

The King's eggs!

l'm itching for a fight. Have you found a good location?

A Great Battle needs a name that will go down in History.

- Strategic points are under study. - Strategic, indeed.

l suggest a site the enemy agreed on. lt has a nice ring.

Waterloo?

Flat. Dismal. Dreary. A dreary plain.

We'll find it eventually. Set the day, too.

- Lower, Sire. - Lower, where?

l fear a leak.

Leak?

A traitor. ln our midst.

- You? - Sire...

- Don't frighten me. - The King's eggs! Make way!

Make way! His Majesty's eggs!

This one.

That one.

And this one... No, that one!

Then again, no. Take them away.

That traitor killed my appetite. l detest traitors. l want him!

Mr. Corsini, you know my suite best.

- lnvestigate. - Very well, Sire.

- One clever move is to... - Enough! l'm worn out.

But l want my battle by Thursday, Wednesday morning would be perfect.

Another bugle? Dessert time?

Assembly, Sire. At the Aquitaine camp.

The new recruits, bringing our army to 47,000 men, as Your Majesty wished.

Fine! That's fine! 47,000, that's perfect.

Recall my eggs, my appetite's back.

The King's eggs!

l'm your colonel.

Aim�-Bonaventure-Clodion-Dominique de La Houlette.

A colonel is a regiment's father...

who loves his children: He doesn't spare the rod.

Buttocks out!

Sergeant Fier-a-Bras will drill you.

So you're the one!

Be nice to Adeline, sir, or else...

Who said that?

Who spoke out?

- You're gauche with her. - Step out!

Excuse me.

- Name? Number? - One moment.

So it was you Sgt. La Franchise rescued?

l shan't deign to punish the prot�g�

of my best recruiter.

Sir, he lacked respect...

Just some friendly advice.

Show some kindness.

My suggestion, exactly.

A rookie! l won't let a yardbird step on my toes!

Kind words and flowers.

lt won't help your looks, but...

- Silence! - Yes, silence. Set an example.

Step forward. Smile.

Fine teeth.

Healthy gums. Well-set ears.

Turn.

Lovely neck. l like it.

l'm a neck man.

Soldiers, we must buckle down. The battle is near.

A battle means corpses.

l want faultless corpses:

well-groomed, clean-shaven, boots polished!

Corpses that honor the regiment.

With a smile!

Sergeant, over to you!

At attention, chin up, eyes front, chest and shoulders like mine!

Left turn, march!

- ls this it, Papa? - Yes, pup.

Basic exercise the march! Ready left foot,

bend,

point, step.

Bend, point, step!

Point, flapjaw!

Step it up!

Show some spirit!

You milksops!

Watch the leaves!

So, flapjaw! Keeping it shut now?

The bigger, the limper!

When you enlist, you persist!

On guard! Attack!

On guard! Attack!

So, flapjaw, nothing to say?

About face!

What a bunch of yardbirds!

Speed up!

Close the circle!

The sword is your friend. Keep it polished and honed.

The blade should slice paper by its weight alone.

The musket is the dragoon's friend. Be good to it.

At 40 toises it should hit...

...A leaf falling in a gentle breeze.

Who said to laugh?

l'll whip you wimps into shape!

Present arms!

Shoulder arms!

Order arms!

Down on one knee!

Raise the knee. Down.

Kneeling position. Prone position.

Up! Kneel!

Prone!

Up!

Sit! Stand! Prone!

Just as l expected! What are you doing, you?

l'm leaving.

Sorry.

l've tried, but l dislike your game.

l don't like your voice, your ears, or your manners.

ln fact, l don't like any of this. So why go on?

Back into line!

My poor fellow, l just got out.

You refuse to obey orders?

Mutiny! Abandoning post!

- lnsulting an officer! - Beware l have witnesses!

Father-in-law will know.

- Who? - The King. l marry his daughter.

The King's daughter?

Adeline's prediction!

Tranche-Montagne,

lock him up!

You call that music?

Out of my sight and hearing!

You, to the kitchens!

All the way from the Mississippi,

and they just think of having fun!

What a neck!

Put yourself in my shoes.

Personally, l'd decorate you. But he wants you in jail.

- l have a long arm. - He has a strong arm, to kill!

And l have a family to feed.

A fine brood.

The finest this regiment or any other has ever seen!

The place is yours.

La Franchise runs the mess-chest.

You can buy tobacco, wine, meats.

Or else it's scraps.

The stench makes even the pigs puke!

Buy me the best you have.

Keep the change.

- You act like a prince. - l'm practicing.

lt's on the way.

Practical exercise fording a river.

Muskets over head!

First and second ranks forward!

On one leg!

The other!

So you found her!

l was worried.

- Release! Shut up! - Which is it?

Shut up, you! Release, her!

4 days in the stir!

Fall out!

l said Fall out!

Take this to the prisoner.

Why not?

l have to make dinner and warm the baby's bottle.

- l'm not the maid. - And me? lt's not fair.

Too bad for the prisoner. He's clean-cut,

pleasant, witty... A handsome fellow, to boot.

- What's his name? - You don't know him.

He claims to be a prince,

and defied guess-who.

Leave it.

Go warm that bottle.

Magnificent.

She's magnificent.

- l've been offered a fortune. - Mine!

That was a reservation fee.

- l'll reimburse you. - Not a cent!

- A grand gesture! l'll tell her. - We shook on it.

l gave you 50 pistoles. Adeline's mine!

You take me for a horse-trader?

lf only you listened, and tried charm, manners,

flowers.

- Flowers? - l can do flowers.

The rest is beyond me. But flowers l can.

- Had a good night? - And a lovely wake-up call.

- Hello, lovely wake-up call. - lf you want anything...

l have all l want, solitude, silence.

- Freedom, in fact. - ln prison?

Prison is the ideal place.

You float motionless on a pillow of dreams.

l'm even hungry. A mind at rest is more inventive.

You're mad!

Prison is off-bounds.

lf you want to chat,

l'm your man.

- Here! - Onions, how nice!

- Tulips! - My flower! By what right?

Here...

l don't like flowers, but women do.

- As you're a woman... - They like wooing.

A good opening flowers... women... How poetic! Keep it up!

l find you...

Truly...

You're beautiful.

Clean, too. Strong. lndustrious. Seen her laundering?

- And dish-washing! - l bet she can cook.

And sew! Such nimble fingers.

Just imagine...

For only 50 pistoles, he gets the whole line of Adelines:

a fabulous washing machine,

a wonderful dishwasher,

a sewing machine, an iron,

and a 4-burner stove that heats the house!

What're you saying, smart-aleck?

Nothing but the truth.

You're more than lovely,

you're dazzling. Your soul shines in your eyes.

You're a lively young creature,

pure as spring water,

free as a bird.

The man you love, of all your suitors, will be the happiest of men.

So choose well.

No sycophant, priest or army man!

Show your face, songbird!

Playing pranks?

Shot! Quartered, hung, cut down, hung again!

Burnt alive, raw, cooked, roasted!

Tranche-Montagne, you fly turd! On the double!

Find me the guard! Assembly!

And get a move on!

That was very nice what you said.

And very sweet.

l know it was to enrage him, but it did me good to hear.

You shouldn't provoke him. He has no imagination,

so killing leaves him cold.

Last year he slaughtered two recruits who winked at me.

You listening?

lf you want to sulk, suit yourself. But l warned you.

Escape! Alert!

Alarm!

Fix bayonets! Charge!

Sound the tocsin!

l'll cut him down!

Attack!

General alert!

- Hide before he sees you. - l'm fine here.

Charming bosom!

l'd love to explore, but...

You fool!

- What're you doing? - Throw me my sword?

Yours, no! But mine!

- Why? - l need it. Like a bull needs horns.

- There he is! - lt's rude to point, Mr. Fool.

He's mocking you.

No, you. Which is very brave.

- Permission, sir... - To?

- Disembowel him! Emasculate him! - Not that!

Though l'd love to see him in action. But spare his neck.

Ladder!

Too short!

- 3 on Fier-a-Bras! - 5 on Fanfan!

Begad! Begosh!

And why not begum!

And to you, be gone!

Behind!

- The sergeant's a bastard. - He's a sergeant.

Think l have all day?

- Raise you 3. - l'm in.

- A hand? - Don't touch me!

On second thought...

Let go of me!

ls that fair play?

- But at court we'd laugh it off. - Let's laugh, then.

- Or the other way around. - Better yet.

- They might kill each other. - He's too young to know what death is.

You all right?

Beg your pardon?

See where your meanness gets you?

- ln ruins. - Pardon?

How can Adeline marry a man so churlish?

Beg your pardon?

You forget Adeline, l forget you. A deal?

- lt's a draw. - A draw?

- They're both alive. - Mine's more... l demand arbitration.

Granted. l'll arbitrate a draw.

Teaching Fier-a-Bras a lesson and saving Adeline, hats off!

Plus entertaining the children.

l love a worthy cause!

You act like a prince, and you've won a friend.

For life!

Colonel A.B.C.D. de la Houlette?

Here l am!

We, Louis, declare the following order to our troops:

The Aquitaine regiment, - that's us -

is assigned to ensure Our Majesty's protection.

lt will therefore set out immediately

for Chateau Villelune,

where we have decided to establish our headquarters.

Children, en route!

Beg you pardon?

That's better.

But it smells of garlic.

l want a smell of gunpowder!

A royal-blessed cure

for frostbite, blisters,

even venereal disease.

Make way!

My fianc�e! l recognized her.

- You've never seen her face! - Love has eyes, comrade.

- l didn't have all my wits. - A blow can restore them.

- You being a wit? - Pardon?

Beg your pardon?

Making light of my temporary disability?

Very well!

Villelune! The King's daughter awaits me.

At last! The King and l were anxious!

We were attacked.

ln broad daylight. Your roads are no longer safe.

All the money is in the war chest.

- But no harm done? - Thanks to a charming savior Fanfan.

How he took care of those bandits!

lt was quite a sight!

Tell the King we're exhausted.

Return this equipage to my cousin.

Henriette! To bed!

Who does she think l am!

Looking for your star?

lt's that one.

- How do you know? - lt's mine.

Be my guest.

At my wedding, too.

- Your wedding? - l said yes to the sergeant.

lt's absurd! He's a brute.

He doesn't scare me. l'll have his pay, respect,

my own pew in church on Sundays...

- A name... - Madam Fier-a-Bras?

Children...

How awful!

He's like a dog. l'll train him.

lf your fate is training mad dogs...

Mine lies behind one of those windows.

You deserve better.

Keep looking. Believe me.

l flitted about. Then suddenly it came to me. Thanks to you.

lt's all there, Sire.

But this map reveals all our plans.

What if our traitor sees it? What news?

We're making progress. His code name: Man in Black, Schwartz-something...

lnteresting.

Dig deeper, l want results.

Enough! Always underfoot!

Scram!

He loves my teasing!

Let us hear your plans, Marshal.

lt's a standard tactic, but with a certain strategic whim.

l adore strategic whims. Take note of that, gentlemen!

The right flank l place on the left.

- The left flank l place... - On the right!

ln the center, Sire. For even greater effect.

We've got 'em... You've got 'em... l mean, l've got 'em.

And the red line?

The immunity line. A novelty.

A half-toise behind this line puts us out of artillery range.

You sure?

16-pounders. PPP powder.

Primahaupt Pulverboom Pulvermagazines. Our supplier.

A level ladleful,

a 16-lb. ball, a 15-ft. bore, maximum range 300 toises.

Their artillery, here!

The line at toise 301 . Behind it, we're immune!

Before l bid you goodnight, let us pray

to the god of armies for his aid tomorrow.

Wake up!

- Come on! - l'm sleeping.

Not any more. C'mon!

- l had the wildest dreams. - Let's hurry!

Halt! There they are!

Don't be afraid, it's me.

Why scream?

l won't harm you. lt's me, Fanfan-la-Tulipe.

l saved you from bandits in the woods.

Screaming gives you wrinkles.

What a letdown!

l don't understand a word.

We had to get acquainted some time.

Squealing like a guinea hen!

You were so adorable...

Very well, you win!

Your ardent suitor lost his ardor!

Me no want you now!

Nothing stops this goose!

You here?

What's going on?

l came calling, as fianc�s do. She went wild.

- She's just scared. - l don't usually scare them.

- lt's the other way around. - You don't just walk in.

The desire's gone.

This way!

There he is!

Come down!

Help me, Marquise.

So, spying?

Not at all, Majesty.

Who pays you?

l never knew you or La Houlette?

But since you mention it, how about a little raise?

- He's not much of a man in black. - lnside, Sire.

His soul is probably very dark.

What now?

He seems blacker.

- Who can explain? - l can, Sire!

Contrary to appearances, l'm as white as snow.

He's amusing.

- l rescued your daughter. - Which one?

- The King's daughter. - From what?

From bandits in the woods, the other day.

Henriette, my little girl?

No one tells me anything!

My thanks. This deserves a reward.

As a matter of fact...

- l came here to ask for her hand. - What?

- You want to marry my daughter? - Not any more.

Sorry, but the screams, Poland - not for me.

- You reject my daughter? - Sorry.

l'm not well born, l hate hunting...

l made a mistake.

Put it down to youth. No hard feelings?

See you!

lf he's no son-in-law, then he's a spy!

Him and his ally, hang them.

That's it!

They got him! The spy, the Man in Black. By the balls!

Guess who? The Parisian!

The famous Fanfan! Tomorrow...

snap goes the tulip!

- Sir... - Beg your pardon?

Sir, l'm a man of honor.

l'd be honored to have the honor

of executing him!

For the pleasure and...

- The honor? - Exactly.

l come from a long line of hangmen.

ln that case, granted.

Reluctantly...

For a hanging, violins!

Violins only!

l'm demoralized. Life was smiling on me:

A home, a family, a trade, a wife... then nothing!

They don't breathe the same air we do.

Mess-chest. Get your money out!

lf she's not my dream woman, who is?

You? Why, sure!

So that was my path!

l didn't want to tell you, for fear of losing you.

Now l lose you as l tell you...

Tell me?

l've never loved,

so l don't know if this thing that makes me

so happy and so unhappy is called love.

l've used the word too often,

and it was nothing like what l feel.

l thank this flash of lightning for all this radiance.

The rule is two minutes. One minute more makes two minutes.

l knew your whoring mother. l may even have got you started.

So stick your rules somewhere else. Drink...

Set your head straight.

Why didn't l see you then as l just saw you?

As l see you now?

Maybe it took the darkness, prison, fear.

We should age earlier,

turn 50 at 20. We'd know what's essential.

About what?

Life. Good, evil, truth, falsehood,

women,

and my own,

my only, Adeline. My Adeline.

My Fanfan.

Leaving life before living it!

You read my palm.

Now read my heart: your face is engraved forever.

Forever is almost over, my love.

A few hours for a lifetime, while others sleep.

Not everyone's asleep.

The show's not till tomorrow.

But we came to see the murderer.

What murderer?

Beat it, you little snots!

Murderer...

They can't part us without proof or trial!

- What do you want to do? - Live happy with you alive.

We have so little time.

Exactly. l want time,

seasons, years...

l'll go see the King and beg. This very night!

He cares only about glory.

l'll make amends for my fault.

- Can't l sleep in peace? - Tomorrow. For eternity!

- We have to catch Adeline. - Which key?

He won't wait.

Which is it?

Don't scream, please!

- l must save the man l love. - Who?

You know him. The one you christened Fanfan...

La-Tulipe? Tell me all.

My poor child, even if l believe you,

Louis... His Majesty won't change his mind.

Wake him, take me to his chamber.

Not the King!

No one disturbs His Majesty's sleep.

Unless...

Someone... Come!

- You, Madam? - At this hour, it can only be urgent.

You're in good hands. l'll repay you some day.

- A pardon? - An audience.

Even so, a lot to ask. At night.

And from the King!

- Why should the King free this spy? - He's not the spy!

- l can prove it. - How?

l know the real traitor.

He gave Fanfan a jewel

to spare him. Fanfan gave it to me. A ring.

My... A ring?

May l see it?

- l'll take it to the King. - No, l will.

l'll buy it. Name your price.

lt's not for sale.

Everything's for sale! The ring, you, me...

- l'm already sold... The price? - lt's a gift.

- 10,000! - A keepsake.

- 20,000. - l'm fond of it.

You drive a hard bargain.

l love to haggle.

The King's chamber!

- Knock first. - l intend to.

- Where's my wife? - Three doors down.

- Shut up, Poland! - And France?

The man in the woods. The traitor!

Explain this fuss and this accusation. l'm in a foul mood.

- l caught this thief... - l brought her!

Yes, but she tried to steal this ring.

You gave it to me in the woods.

What woods? l hate woods!

Poor child!

l gave you that gem two years ago.

For my name day. His Majesty remembers.

How did you come by it?

- The Man in Black's mask. - This defies belief.

Why?

- Florins, sterling... - We need a single currency.

Traitors adore gold, Sire.

- Not only gold, cousin. - Cousin?

- Aren't all kings cousins? - You're no king.

l was promised a crown.

lf you lose, Austria grants me Liberbidarunstein.

And you will lose.

l've sold it all: maps, times, passwords, plans!

Arrest the rogue!

No one moves!

No love lost between us!

Guards! Encircle the chateau!

He'll be long gone!

Lucky there's water.

l never noticed.

lt can't be!

To horse!

To horse!

- Where are you taking me? - You'll be my queen!

Faster!

ln the King's service!

A sick woman!

- What will you do? - Make you my queen.

- lf l refuse? - The Austrians get you!

- To shoot me? - They hang women.

Shut up and move!

Free me and l'll tell you

the Aquitaine password.

l know it God help us.

- Picardy? - God be with us.

- Burgundy? - Glory to God. l know them all.

Franche-Comt� God bless.

Champagne God wills it, etc.

l'm a professional!

Keep moving!

lt's me, Corsini! Von Gorzini!

Fetch Koenigseck!

He's not worthy of your distress.

Not a man called tulip!

Pick, sniff and discard!

Stick to real values. Look for a man with a future.

There's no man but him, no future but with him.

So much for your tulip!

Don't, you fool!

You won't survive the fall.

l won't live without him.

Love is blind!

What if it is?

Why live without the sight of my beloved?

Why touch if l haven't him to caress,

or hold in my arms?

lf his scent is no longer in the air, why continue to breathe?

Without love, you lose, Corsini.

So far, l'm ahead.

All you win are my tears!

That's enough!

Calm down! You can always die later.

l'll kill you myself, my word of honor! My word, anyway.

Von Gorzini! Bear hug mit madmazelle?

Not at all.

She's just a spy in training.

Danke sh�n-good-thanks fur treason!

Grosse hankee-pankee iz delikatessen fur us.

What did he say?

Congratulations on your good work.

Komen zee battle map looken. Big konfrontazhun.

lz Cumberland English.

lngoldsby Scottish.

And all around Koenigseck!

And iz what?

Give the battle signal.

Blue Attack postponed.

Yellow Epidemic.

Red Forward, attack!

And white?

Surrender. He won't hear of it.

He'll have to.

Hands up, everybody!

- Me, prisoner? - The lot of you!

Throw down your swords!

Disarm them, tie them up. l love you.

l love saying l love you.

l love hearing it. My love.

l'm taking you to Paris.

We'll set up house.

Paris real estate costs a fortune.

- Who asked you? - l know where their treasure is.

We'll open an inn The Golden Tulip.

No, The Hemp Collar!

Mein chateau iz nicht a barn!

l'll make you my captain!

l nabbed the traitor.

- You're done for! - Pardon?

He's the traitor!

Sorry! He gambled,

he lost.

- At my signal... - Poor fool!

Think for once! Why are you here?

Because you pursued him. Why?

You saw him pass.

- Who went before? - Don't listen!

l did! As prisoner of this traitor!

- She's right. - So who was chasing whom, jackass?

The right to error. Geneva convention!

Dragoons to the rescue!

- Where's the enemy? - Everywhere it shouldn't be.

The work of that Corsini traitor!

The Scots, Sire.

Nothing for us! We needed a hymn!

l fear we're lost.

- There's another word... - Done for?

Screwed?

Cooked! That's it. We're cooked.

Marshal...

Let us attack. We shall perish with panache!

The enemy must send a signal from Ziggenkrawczyk Tower.

Protocol of 1028 revised in 1477 and modified last week.

l recognize the fellow!

Our dear Fanfan.

The attack flag!

Get the flag down!

Your shirt. l need your shirt!

lt's the end, Mr. Tulip:

for your romance, your king,

your army!

At the count of 3, you die!

What's that white thing? A flag?

l'd say it was a shirt. Even...

a white shirt!

- A good sign? - Better yet, Sire. You win!

Just like that? Without a battle?

Not even a casualty.

- lt counts? - An unmatchable triumph!

lt'll go down in History!

But isn't victory without risk like triumph without glory?

Say, not bad! Jot that down.

Monsieur,

you shall be our guest until this tedious war is over...

Our guest, as you won't be one of us.

- What flair! - What a son!

- What a neck! - What a shame!

You and your Polish airs!

Young friend, be my private general, with chateau, carriages, and pensions.

You won't turn me down again?

Your young friend is honored. But l must be master of my own fate.

This woman, though no king's daughter, will be my queen.

She'll reign over a few acres,

my heart, and a few children, God willing.

How lucky you are, to indulge your whims!

Music!

My hymn!

That's what l call muscle!

lt swings.

With the end of this story came a period of peace for Europe

that lasted 18 months. Or 18 days, no one remembers.

But we all know peace never lasts.

Except for Adeline and Fanfan, who lived happily ever after.