Original subtitles

APPLAUSE

Hello, everyone.

Hello, and welcome,

it's me, Big Daddy G, and things are about to get lit.

A wise man once said,

"If you want to find out what drives the human spirit

"get a person to eat weird flavoured ice cream

"or collect sand in a shopping trolley."

That man, none other than Nelson Mandela.

And before you start writing in,

I'm talking about the Nelson Mandela who owns

the launderette in my home town and he did say that,

and once I saw him eat 40 bags of Hula Hoops in one sitting.

Guy's a legend.

Who are the five whose spirits we look to test?

Well, please welcome Dara O Briain,

Fern Brady,

John Kearns,

Munya Chawawa,

and Sarah Millican.

And next to me, he's got a brain made for business

and a bod made for sin.

It's Little Alex Horne.

Are you in a good mood? I'm in a good mood.

Well, I'm in charge of health and safety concerns now,

I've got a new hard hat just in case.

Here it is. Here it is, it's...

you can see it's got straps there,

and there's a zip there.

I don't know how you put it on actually, it's such a hard...

That's it. That's the joke, is it? It's a hard hat.

It's a hard hat to put on? Such a hard hat to put on.

You know some of these people have travelled quite some distance to get here? Yeah.

Right, on with the prize task.

On we go and this time the category is...

the thing you would most like to have with you on

a car journey. Hmm.

A car would be pretty handy.

Get the hat out again, party time.

The item Greg agrees is best for a car journey

will get its owner five points and the winner of the show

will scoop up all five things

and have a ridiculously good drive home from studio.

Dara, what is the thing you would most like to have with you on a car journey?

I have gone for this case.

It's a console carrying case and here it is.

Oh, wow.

You can strap any gaming machine to it,

plug it in and play full-size video games,

or watch a movie if you want.

I mean they're not famously portable, are they?

But this makes them portable.

And that's why when you're on tour you only wear one outfit

cos you have to put all your energy into carrying this around.

Fern, can you beat a massively impractical games console holder?

Oh, yes, mine is very practical,

if you're a comedian, one of the things you need

other than resilience and being emotionally dead inside,

is the skill of holding in your piss

for long amounts of time on car journeys

so I've brought a she-wee.

I think there's, there's other brands available.

I think there's one called a Go Girl.

I asked for a bottle that was about two litres

so I can keep driving.

Oh, I don't think I fully understood the scenario here.

You're driving and wanting not to stop?

Yes.

Why?!

I haven't got the confidence to use mine and I've had it,

I've had it for a year.

You should try it just at home in the toilet, cos I've got one.

As soon as I got it I thought I'm having a go of this, so I had a little try

and I got a little bit on the seat like a real live boy.

John? Um, I brought in...

Oh, here we go.

A sailor's hat. Yep.

Picture it, yeah. I am picturing it.

You're driving along. Yeah.

You see a car beside you. Mm-hmm.

You look over at the driver, he's wearing that.

Everyone's honking.

Everyone loves him.

You're thinking, you know...

..is he late for his boat?

Kids banging on the window going, "Yeah!"

Are the kids these days

excited by a small bearded man in a sailor hat?

Just imagine Alex and I are in a car journey now,

I'm driving obviously, he's sitting there eating crisps. Yeah.

This is what I perceive to be my reaction.

OK.

Look at this prick.

Munya, what have you brought in?

I've brought in a co-ordination game.

Here it is.

Shit.

This device can measure human IQ

by how quickly you can line up the discs.

Now, if I...

..if I can do this in eight seconds on the show, Greg...

Yeah. ..are you gonna give me five points?

I don't know, possibly.

But you're not in a car.

We're in a car,

John's my passenger. Right, talk to me.

Um, have you seen the... Yep, OK.

Have you seen where I put my sailor's hat? Yeah.

Look out for the central reservation!

OK, slowly, slowly. OK, OK.

Yeah. So you failed and... No, no, hang on.

..there's a multiple car pile-up.

That is...that's gotta be the worst prize all series.

That is gonna get beaten by a fucking sailor's hat.

Imagine that.

Just for health and safety reasons.

So I watched a TV programme

where somebody drove, accidentally obviously,

into some water and they drowned.

It's drama, don't worry nobody died, it's just actors.

So I went online and thought

there's gotta be something that would help you in that situation

and I brought an escape hammer.

The red part is the hammer itself. Yep.

The bit at the end slices through your seatbelt,

cos that's a problem, you get locked in.

And the bit at the end can tap out your windscreen. You are welcome.

It's a fairly pessimistic thing to take with you, isn't it?

It's not, I think it's positive. If it was pessimistic,

I would just be like, "Ah well, dead now."

Oh, Christ. Yeah, difficult to judge.

Well, one of them isn't difficult.

Giving Munya one point and obviously Captain Ahoy two,

two points.

I must give Dara three points.

Right. Fern the four points. OK.

Sarah Millican five points.

There we go, Sarah Millican wins.

Let's have a task proper then, shall we?

OK. We begin this one in the garage.

Yo. Is that Alex Horne on my lawn eating corn at the crack of dawn?

Oi, oi, oi.

Oh.

Whoa.

Bloody hell.

Choose a room.

And a weapon.

Then await further instructions.

Choose a room in the Taskmaster house.

And a weapon.

Right, let's have a look.

Shed, lab, kitchen, living room, loo, caravan.

The weapons are a frying pan.

- Belt. - A high-heeled shoe.

A staple gun.

Cactus.

I'm gonna go for the traditional frying pan.

In the lab.

Oh, there's no hiding places. In the living room.

And I'm gonna go with the frying pan in

the warmest room in the house, the living room.

I'll go frying pan, it's got a good swing on it,

and I'm going the living room please, Alex.

I choose kitchen and cactus.

Can I ask you why?

I like being in the kitchen

and then I picked the cactus instead of

the frying pan cos I wanted to be unpredictable.

I'll go with the belt. Mm-hmm.

And I think I'm gonna go in,

uh, well, again, if I'm being attacked,

I have to, uh,

you know really maim whoever's attacking me.

I need to be like contained. I'm gonna go in the caravan.

OK.

Good, so most people opting for a frying pan in the living room.

Mm-hmm. But John Kearns being the only person who seems

to think that this task might involve, and I quote,

maiming someone.

I did think we'd be maiming someone to be fair though.

Yes.

Let's see if there's any maiming involved.

OK, well first up we're gonna start with

the lounge lizards, it's Munya, Sarah and Dara.

Ha-ha.

What dangers await?

Oh, no.

Oh!

OK. This was a bad choice.

Alex, I've got a fear of balloons popping.

I'm either supposed to burst them all or not burst any,

so let's assume not burst any till we get to it.

BALLOON POPS Ah!

Oh, wow, there you go. Pop 99 red balloons.

You must use your weapon to pop your 99 red balloons.

Shout "Stop it" when you think

you've popped precisely 99 red balloons.

Fastest - fastest! - wins.

Your time starts now.

If I shout out the number,

will you do a five-bar gate for me?

I'd like... Is that OK? ..I love doing five-bar gates.

I can see that about you. Yeah, I did that when I was in prison.

OK.

Oh no!

Oh, jeez.

Jesus!

There we go.

One, two, three.

Ah.. .

11, 12...

Do you want earplugs, Munya? Huh? Do you want earplugs?

I can't hear you. OK.

Oh, you made me lose count!

Am I 60? I think I'm 60? Yes, I'm doing the gates.

I know there's exactly 99 in here.

85, 86, 87, 88, 80...

Come on! 88, 89, 90.

SHOUTING: Stop it!

That was full-on, Dara.

You're meant to do something at the end.

Oh.

Oh, stop it.

I've stopped the clock. Thank you, Sarah.

Stop it.

I think I did really well.

Yeah.

Munya, when I was at school

there was always a kid at school, when you played army,

was just playing it on his own really.

He was playing like the storming forces,

and the victims, so he's going...

That's you, Munya.

He's got a genuine balloon popping phobia though, so he did... Yeah.

..surmount that for this challenge.

Have you really? Yeah. I was like, do you know what,

this isn't just a task anymore, this is personal development.

Yeah, and he burst all the balloons in that room.

Did he? Yeah.

There were 99 though. There were 111 in that room.

Oh.

By stark contrast, Sarah,

you made a conscious decision that you were

going to do this physical task whilst not leaving

the comfort of the sofa.

The reason I chose the living room was cos it was lovely and warm and comfy,

I'm not gonna not sit on the sofa for a bit of it.

It was absolutely joyous.

You looked like you were having a lovely time.

Dara, I think, took it a bit more seriously.

Oh, I went hell for leather.

Fuck those balloons.

At the very end,

there's a sill of you where you look like

a Roman warrior who's just come from the battle.

In a hundred years there's gonna be a statue of that somewhere.

Oh, he was so quick,

he did it in three minutes 20

compared to five minutes two for Sarah, not terribly slow,

but nine minutes 25 for Munya.

What?

Unfortunately, Munya didn't do what we asked him to do.

Can I show you something else?

This doesn't sound good.

Come on. 88...

89, 90.

You were supposed to be counting with me!

I, yeah... Traitor!

Yes. You did tell me to do the five-bar gates and I did it,

and then that happened and I didn't know what to do

and I panicked and you didn't do it right.

Looks like, er...

we've found our victim.

OK, time to close the curtains on part one.

Why not go onto social media

and pretend you're living your best life instead of doing

a big trump through your already compromised pyjamas.

See you back here soon.

Hello. Welcome back to part two of Taskmaster.

I'm gonna hand straight over now to my little assistant,

Little Alex Horne.

The current task involves popping 99 balloons in the fastest time

in the room of their choice with the weapon of their choice.

Dara, Sarah and Munya did it in the living room with a frying pan.

Only two people left,

it's Fern with a cactus in the kitchen,

which is lovely to say,

and John in the caravan with a belt. Yuck.

Here's how they got on.

The clock has started, Fern.

Well, I'll just get going then.

OK.

Good luck.

Oh, that's not gonna work, is it?

That was more powerful than I thought.

I'll tell you how I'll count it, by their little bums.

One, two, three,

four, five, six, seven...

Eight, nine. ten...

11, 12, 13, 14.

15, 16.

17, eight, eight, eight, eighteen...

96, 97, 98, 99.

Stop it.

Oh. 81...

Stop it. I've stopped the clock.

Fern, I think I've written this down correctly.

You were holding the balloons by their little bums.

The sort of anus part of the balloon.

The bit we put our lips to?

Yeah, yeah.

You were trying to count as you went along

but you went up, down, you went all over the place.

So, yeah, you did, unfortunately like Munya and Sarah,

burst way too many balloons. Oh.

John, I feel like with you we changed genre

from Dara's epic film about a Roman warrior

to just a horror film of a,

just an awful lunatic in a caravan.

Yeah.

There was one where a balloon,

rolled to the window and you came into shot

and grabbed it and I found myself muttering,

"That poor balloon."

What hope did it have?

What a contrast in the two players as well,

cos they both said stop it at the end,

but I think their two stop its

speak of the two individuals concerned.

Here are the two stop its.

FLATLY: Stop it.

HYSTERICALLY: Stop it!

No doubt about where most of the victims are gonna be.

Yeah. Now that was a man who's been bursting

one balloon every one and a half seconds.

Did he hit the target?

He hit the target as did Dara so it's all about speed.

Dara, three minutes 20 to burst 99 balloons.

John, two minutes 29,

you get five points!

Wow.

Just to summarise, there's five points to John,

four to Dara, but unfortunately zero to everyone else.

I'm so sorry, Sarah.

Can I see a scoreboard, please?

We have joint leaders on seven points, it's Dara and John.

Poor old Munya.

Do you have a team task waiting in the wings?

Oh, yes, I do, but shut up please.

Yo, yo. Oof. Hello, Alex.

What does it smell of in here? Yo, Sarah, can you smell that?

Smells a bit mad in here. What's it smell of?

Is it a bit pumpy?

A bit pump... A bit farty. Pumpy?

It smells in here cos one of the contestants did something bad in here.

Hmm, I can tell. Did a little pumpy.

No. We can't talk about it. No. But you'll find out.

Oof, god damn.

God damn.

- Hello, Dara. - Oh, Alex, hi.

Hello, Fern. Hi.

And hello, John.

Hi, Alex.

So we've got a feather and we've got a pillow.

Get this feather into the bath.

You must not touch the feather

and the feather must not touch the ground.

After the feather has left its cushion it must not touch

a single thing for more than five seconds in total.

It must not touch a single thing

for more than five seconds in total.

The cushion must not leave the lab.

If you make any mistake at all Alex will blow his whistle

and you must start all over again.

Fastest wins.

Finally, you must not say any words at any point from now on.

New to my vocabulary, pumpy. Pumpy, yeah, me too.

Do you know pumpy? No, I didn't but I do now.

We say pumping in Scotland.

Yeah, yeah, I think it's northern and Scotland.

It has two meanings,

it means farts but it also means shagging.

It means shagging and farting?

So if you said to a friend "What did you get up to last night?"

And they went, "Hoo-hoo-hoo, I had a pumpy night,"

it could be tragic or glorious.

Let's go.

OK, well let's start with the team of three,

it's my mates Daz, Joz and Fez, here we go.

WHISTLE BLOWS Please put it back on the cushion on the table please, John.

WHISTLE BLOWS That was six seconds on there,

please put it back on the cushion.

WHISTLE BLOWS I'm sorry but that feather has been in the dustpan

more than five seconds.

FERN SIGHS Back we come.

Oh, hi, Fern. Where have your teammates gone?

Here they come.

Ah, lots of plates.

Have you lost the feather, Fern?

That's a chicken.

It nearly has feathers.

WHISTLE BLOWS Please go again.

Congratulations.

You have got the feather in the bath.

Let's talk about feather-loss-gate.

How you think you as a team coped with the loss of the feather.

I think we coped really well, there was a lot of resilience.

I don't know who lost it.

Was it, it might've been me. Was it me?

Was it me?

It was one of us anyway.

It's mad. You could feel Dara's anger radiating out of him.

I could feel it through the screen, Dara.

I remember thinking I'd come up with quite a good system,

the system of endless plates and that kept us going.

What?

It wasn't a system of endless plates, there were 12 plates.

So grand!

That's when I introduced the system of endless plates.

OK, break time, but before we go,

here's a video to solve the riddle

what waves and wets the bed every night?

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Let's finish off the current team task shall we, Alex?

It's a double thumbs up from me.

They're trying to get a feather in the bath

but they can't touch it, the feather can't touch the ground,

they have to take it in turns moving it,

and nothing can hold it for more than five seconds.

Also, they can't talk.

Peace at last.

Only the team of two left, it's...

With an action, Sarah, why does it smell so bad in here?

What did you do?

Were you looking for something, Munya?

Oh, a leaf blower.

Did you look in the shed?

It's probably in there. Mm-mm.

Yeah, you go.

Ah. Bit of music.

WHISTLE BLOWS

He said build pipes leading to bath, question mark.

It's on its way, is it?

Is it in the bath?

I've stopped the clock.

Well, it got there.

Did you enjoy Sarah finding the leaf blower?

I was about to say it was absolutely my highlight of the whole attempt.

Look at her little face.

What I wrote down is,

anyone who thinks that that leaf blower is

going to be good in this task is mad.

I thought that it was gonna be hovering around and,

you know, Sarah would be using the guitar to direct it.

That's what the guitar was for,

for Sarah to just bat it in the right direction?

Yes. I was chief wafter.

That's why I brought the plates in cos I had

a similar idea to these guys

but then Munya came in with the drain pipe

and an excited expression on his face

and it's just like, you know,

it's like having a bairn, I imagine. Yeah.

Where you're just like, look at his little face,

OK we'll play with the tubes.

So they did achieve the task.

They did achieve the task

but did they do it faster than these three clowns?

Well, the three clowns

got the feather in the bath in seven minutes 45.

Really? Yep.

What about the elaborate pipe system?

Oh, 24 minutes and 25 seconds.

Hey, yours was more impressive though.

24 minutes?

Oh, my god.

How did it take that long?!

If you hadn't brought in those stupid plates,

we wouldn't have had this problem.

I'll give them two points and I'll give the mighty team five.

Whoa, OK, so it's two points to the team of two,

five points to the team of three.

What's next, Horne?

Oh, it's a bouncy-bouncy fun location task.

Yo. What the hell.

Hello.

This is enticing.

Make an exercise ball touch Bernard.

Bernard can't move. Who's Bernard?

You may launch an exercise ball from behind the line,

that line there,

and may not touch any balls after each launch.

Most balls actively involved in a successful launch wins.

Your task ends when a ball touches Bernard

or 15 minutes have elapsed.

I hope Bernard's a puppy or something.

Your time starts...

Your time...

..starts...

I don't know who Bernard is. Who is Bernard?

Uh. Ah.

Oh, damn.

Oh, it's a, a pretend man.

Do I get one attempt to release a ball?

As many as you want until you hit Bernard or 15 minutes is up.

Whatever ball hits him

the more balls it's hit on the way, the better.

So I can move all the balls

so that when I hit one ball it da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da...

..poo.

I'm not sure why I've written this down

but I found Fern's description

of Bernard as a pretend man fascinating.

Yes. It's what they put clothes on in shops, innit, pretend men.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, course.

Get the assistant to put some pretend men out

to display our clothes.

Anyway, I think it's clear what we've got here. Hmm.

We've got a game of,

Bernard snooker,

and anyone who doesn't understand it should just remember...

da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da...

poo.

OK, we're gonna kick off with Fern, Sarah and Dara.

We're gonna have the green as the launch ball.

Lovely. And I'm gonna move the rest down.

Surely you just wanna get all the balls going

and hope for the best.

I think that's not a bad strategy. OK.

I think if I line them all up here

one of them's gonna touch him, right?

Sounds good to me.

See the trick shot?

I'm genuinely really, really excited about this.

He looks quite worse for wear.

What's happened to him in other tasks?

Why won't this...

oh, it's cos it's nowhere near the middle, idiot.

Ooh, ooh.

Oh, come on.

Oop. Come on!

Aw.

No, that didn't hit Bernard.

That didn't work.

Ooh, shit, shit.

Ooh, no!

Did you see that?

No, see that oh, gone too far the other way.

Gone too far the other way. Hit off that,

no, not...

oh, oh, oh, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Finished!

Take that, Bernard.

Got a chance.

Here it goes.

You've got two on the go. This is it.

Ooh...

I did it!

Go on! Oh!

Whoa!

You've struck Bernard.

Thank you.

Increasingly I live to hear

the victory noises that Dara O Briain makes,

during any of our tasks

but I think the snooker one's my favourite so far.

Finished!

Have you got some stats that you wanna share?

Yeah, well you saw Sarah involve five balls,

Dara eight balls, so they've both got scores on the board.

Fern, I'm gonna ask you what your strategy was here?

I'm gonna need you to tell me what that task was

cos I don't know what that was.

Right, OK, so there was no strategy.

It was entirely haphazard what she did but she did it.

Fern did get points then.

Yeah, yeah she got four balls involved,

it hit Bernard within the 15 minutes. Everything's fine.

Fine.

End of part three.

Not long until someone increases their chances

of survival by owning Sarah Millican's escape hammer.

See you soon.

Hello!

Hello, you're joining us for the final part of the show

and we're in the middle of a task which involves gym balls.

I went to school with gym balls,

but that wasn't his real name,

it was his nickname because he had massive testicles.

So, this task is like a giant snooker trick shot,

they've got to try and hit Bernard Mannequin with one of 15 balls,

launching just one of them from behind the start line.

You can't touch the ball again once it's been released

and the most balls actively involved in

a successful launch wins.

Two people left and their names are Munya and John.

OK, question.

Could you be a human shield?

You can place me somewhere. I don't think I can be actively involved.

OK, I can place you somewhere, yeah? Mm-hmm.

All right, then.

Can you lie there on your side like you're spooning?

Like you're a big spoon. Papa Spoon Alex.

All right.

Boom.

Good, just stay like that.

Oh...Oh.

Two minutes, John.

Yeah.

Look at that ball control.

Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

Bang, bang.

Bang.

Er...

John Virgo.

It really is just 40 seconds now, John. Yep.

Good luck.

Thank you, John.

Here we go, here we go, here we go.

OK, it's on its way.

That's a good throw. That is a very good throw.

Right, Alex, get ready.

OK, release.

Yes!

Look at all those hits. Yes.

It's the planning from me.

I grew up in the '70s where we weren't allowed

to have self-confidence.

And I really enjoy watching Munya always,

because he absolutely believes in himself

and by stark contrast what I wrote down for John was,

shambles.

But...

..how wrong I was.

Yeah. He only had one attempt.

He took 14 minutes 20 to set it up.

Honestly. When you believe in a system,

you had to do it within the quarter of an hour and he did it, first time. Yeah.

He set it up and it worked an absolute treat.

But Munya, as you saw, 15 balls.

He laid them all out, it was wonderful.

Wanna see it one more time? Yeah, I do. Incredible.

It's a good throw. That's a very good throw.

Right, Alex, get ready.

OK, release.

Release...Release.

Yes!

What you don't know can't hurt you.

Get your thing out!

Oh, no!

I don't know what to believe anymore.

OK, what does that do to the scores?

Well, it means that John gets the five points. Yeah.

Dara four,

Sarah three, Fern two...

..and then Munya. Yeah.

What are you gonna do to him, Greg?

Give him no points, that's what I'm gonna do. No points!

But five points goes to John Kearns.

OK, let's see a scoreboard please, Alex.

OK, they're all on double figures except

for Munya who's only got three points.

John is in the lead with 17.

OK everyone, please make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show.

Who will read the final task?

Sarah Millican.

Begin.

OK.

Blow an item the furthest on The Knappett.

If your item falls from The Knappett you are disqualified.

The person who blows something the least far each round

is eliminated unless someone is disqualified.

You must all select your blowers

and items for each round before any blowing commences

and you must not use the same blower or item twice.

Last player standing wins.

They each have a whiteboard, so on the whiteboard

you need to write down the four things you want to blow

and the four things you wanna blow them with.

You've got five items to blow and that is a beach ball,

an air ball, a golf ball, a ping pong ball and a pea.

You have five items to blow with.

You've got some bellows, a recorder,

a whoopee cushion, a straw,

and just for you, Sarah Millican,

a leaf blower.

Woo-woo.

All right, are we ready? It's Dara first.

Oh, champion. Let's see if he's still got it.

Ooh, that was lovely.

Textbook!

Fern, you're up next.

RECORDER WHISTLES

VERY SHRILL WHISTLE

There we go. Well done, Fern.

John.

Oh, shit.

Kearns is gone. Munya.

Oh, that's pea. Lovely. That is pea.

Sarah Millican.

I'm trying to cover the air hole so it doesn't...

It'd be awful if you choke on a recorder.

Yes.

Well done. Yes.

The peas have all made it through. Kearns is out.

OK, round two.

Ooh.

Oh, he legislated for the banks, I think.

Oh...Oh.

Oh, shit!

OK.

Fern.

Oh, yes, there's a...

Oh, that is actually all right.

Is it?

FERN: Is it though? That's tilting to the side.

That tilts!

Sorry, Fern.

OK, Munya.

Do you want to just kick it like you did the ball the other time, do you?

Power of a thousand ancestors.

Maybe try a few more ancestors.

Oh. It's off. It's off.

Oh. Oh, hello.

Right then, Sarah.

Sick of blowing on balls.

That's it. That's it.

And it's off.

Oh.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Ahh.

So Dara is the only one left standing.

Come down let's see how that affects the final scores.

The boy with points, the boy with answers.

Yes, well Dara was the last player standing

and I think we can see his final puff one more time.

Ooh, lovely.

What?

What was that thing you said about the...

Well cos the ball obviously went cos I'm blowing air at it.

I'm afraid, Dara, that all evidence points to the fact

that you did make contact with the ball, that's the end of it.

So because Dara has also failed round two,

John gets one point, everyone else gets five points.

Wow. Yes. I really needed them.

John Kearns was in the lead in this episode

but he came last in that task.

Oh, ahoy.

Yes, he's lost his sailor's hat.

Dara O Briain wins the episode with 21 points. There it is!

Dara O Briain has won show seven.

Please race up to the stage and collect your worthy prizes.

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that if we're going to survive as a species

we need to put all of our faith in the younger generation,

and we can because of great people like Greta Thunberg

and Malala inspiring so many people around the globe.

And Munya Chawawa, of course,

who drives around with one hand on the wheel

with a balance game in the other

and who cheated at a bouncy ball gym task

with a pretend man called Bernard.

That's all for seven but not all for tonight's winner,

of course, it's Dara O Briain.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media