Original subtitles

Bye, bitch!

Hi, bitch!

Actually? Cute.

Yes!

Four minutes, nine seconds. An agency record.

Like I said, he's the best of the best. My baby's about to hunt the Taliban.

The American Intelligence Agency is proud to announce

the addition of 30 new cadets

who are about to enter the field as covert operatives,

including an all-time record two women.

One hot and one... funny.

But enough about diversity. Our 2011 valedictorian,

Agent Steve Maryweather!

Wow, just wow. Thank you so much.

I'm very fortunate to be receiving this award

the same year "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was repealed.

Because now I can stand before you and accept this honor as my true self.

None of you asked, but I'm sure as hell gonna tell.

I, Steve Maryweather,

the valedictorian of your class, and the future of the Agency,

am a gay man!

And I look forward to serving my country with all of my big gay heart.

I'd like to thank the AIA, Céline Dion, and those Marky Mark Calvin Klein ads

for making me the man I am...

Will you look at this, there was a mistake.

We just, uh, re-crunched the numbers,

and Maryweather isn't the valedictorian after all. It's actually, uh...

Agent Buck, who happens to be straight.

But that's not what's going on. It's legit. Okay, Agent Buck.

Tough break, Maryweather.

Or should I say Agent Mary?

Give it up for Agent Mary, everybody.

- Mary! - Oh, my God.

Agent Mary!

You're young, just hang in there.

In ten years, you'll be running this place.

Of course I respect your decision, Director Chunley.

At the very least, I hope this little incident won't affect my posting.

Don't get your panties in a wad, Mary.

I have the perfect assignment for you. You'll be running your own division.

What? That's amazing. Where? Moscow? Beijing?

Got it.

Thirty terrorists were captured in a raid outside Kinshasa last night.

Details about the mission are classified,

but the White House expressed their admiration

for those agents on the frontline.

Hey, dildo! Just met the president. Again. He's, like, obsessed with me.

Ten years in the field, three Medals of Honor...

Remind me, who's head of the class now?

Ow!

Yoo-hoo.

- Mr. Air-B-B man. - Oh, there you are.

We are looking everywhere for you, Air-B-B man.

Well, you found me. Uh, you might wanna cover up, though.

Public nudity is a no-no in America.

We are not ashamed. We are vacation.

So, here's the thing. We need more towel, bad.

Ja, we used them all. The towel.

Oh, absolutely. I'll have fresh towels for you after work.

Wow, wow, wow. You are so strong. What is your job?

Are you a rough guard at one of your famous American prisons?

No, I'm... I'm actually an interior designer.

Uh, and I'm actually late. I'll see you later.

- All right, squad, assemble! - Sup, Mar?

I'll tell you what's up. It's the best day of the month

for the best spies in the world.

That's right, people, I'm talking Check-In Day!

Up first, standing five-foot-eight, weighing in at...

I wanna say a strong 165?

Bitch, I'm a dense 198, and I worked hard for every pound.

- Take it away, Agent Deb. - Thank you very much.

So, I've been thinking. Should our squad ever work a mission...

Which we will, 'cause we're the best.

Which we will, 'cause we're the best.

How are we gonna get there? If you ask me, what this scrappy little spy squad needs

is a super high-tech,

blow-your-fucking-mind-out-your-ass spy car!

Oh, my God, yes!

Wow! That looks... sturdy.

Because it fucking is.

The body is a 2006 Subaru Outback.

And on the inside, it can drive, it can fly...

Whoa.

...plus, it's pre-loaded with Tracy Chapman's entire discography,

so you know it's a "Fast Car."

- Who's Tracy Chapman? - I think he's a senator.

Deb, you're a fucking genius. And I'm a fucking genius for recruiting you.

- Say it again. - No time, too excited.

Genius number two, you're up. It's the Duchess of the Hack-Pack.

Ew.

- Our very own Dongle-Goblin. - That one's fine.

I'm talking about Agent Stat, people. Show me what you got.

I found that Malaysian plane everyone was looking for way back when.

What? Oh, my God, what are you saying? How did you even think to look there?

Now, it's check-in time for our Master of Disguises.

Wait, has anyone seen Twink?

Would you like some chamomile, love?

For your nerves.

Thank you, Grandma Rose.

Wait a minute, Grandma Rose is dead! Trampled to death ten Black Fridays ago!

Relax, booboo! It's me! Check-In Day realness, bitch.

I mean "boss." But also "bitch," 'cause I love you, bitch.

Twink. That was amazing and very triggering.

As always, you guys have blown me away with your check-ins.

Now to close out Check-In Day with a bang, your boss who'd never forget to floss,

the best damn spy in the whole frickin' world,

give it up... for me!

I added 3.6 centimeters to my vertical leap.

That was my check-in.

Why is that paper-towel dispenser texting us?

Oh, my God, this is it! The Agency's taken notice of our progress,

and we're about to get our first case.

They're actually cutting our budget again, another 15%.

And now they're saying I have to reimburse them for this paper.

"Kill me"?

Oh, I forgot to tell you, I taught the printer how to feel.

That was gonna be next month's check-in.

Guys, remember, every week that we don't get a case,

we are one week closer to getting a case.

I'm worried. I'm sure you can tell, but just in case you can't,

the squad's morale is lower than my wife's singing voice.

Wait, really? But that was such a killer check-in.

It was, but we've been busting our humps out here, and for nothing.

We need to work a real case already.

Do you remember what you said when you recruited each of us?

That one day, we'd save the world. And I still believe that.

But it's time for a reality check.

Now, I wasn't going to tell you this,

but Pep Boys offered me Assistant Manager again.

And I'm thinking about taking it.

Deb, you'd leave? You're so much more than a mechanic, though.

Dude, this whole thing is turning out to be more like a little club

than a life of action and adventure.

We won't be on the sidelines forever. We're too good.

Something's gotta change, or you're gonna lose the rest of us real soon.

Deb doesn't know what she's talking about.

Wait, what the fuck? Is that... a gray hair?

You're young, just hang in there.

In ten years, you'll be running this place.

Ooh.

Oh, God. Oh. Don't mind me. Yeah.

Hope you enjoyed all your towels last night.

Ja, we did. And we used them all.

I gotta get to work.

Ah, and how is your designing of the interior going?

Terribly, actually. It's going terribly.

I mean, can you believe I haven't had a single...

design mission in ten years?

I'm the best of the best. I've surrounded myself with the greatest team of super...

designers in the world,

but the powers that be don't see us as valuable just because we're queer!

Oh? Is there a lot of anti-LGBTQ discrimination

in the world of West Hollywood interior design?

Yeah. There is. And I'm sick of it.

- We got your text. Everything okay? - Does this look okay?

Is that a toenail?

No, it's a gray hair. Because I'm old.

Our lives are passing us by. And it's time to do something about it.

Botox? Tummy tuck? Squirt your ass-fat into your head?

Better. Stat, fire up the Command Center,

initiate a secure video conference with West Coast HQ.

I'm gonna demand that we be assigned a case.

Ten years I've waited.

And you've all stood by me.

This ends today...

Hey, girl!

Steve. It's great to hear from you.

How's my favorite tragic-story-of-wasted-potential doing?

Good! So good. And may I say, Deputy Director V,

you're positively radiant today, but also still very young-looking.

- Do I look like a pancake to you? - No, ma'am, you do not.

Then stop buttering me up.

You're funny. You're always funny. I've always liked that about you.

I tell my team this all the time. "You know who's funny? Deputy Director V."

So I've been thinking, you know what might be so neat? If we got a case.

You know I love you, but I can't make any promises. I'll see what I can do.

V. It's me. You know me.

Ten years ago, you told me I'd be running this agency by now.

But now I can't even get a case? I mean, look at this team I put together.

They're amazing. And you should be an ally.

You think I have it any easier?

I'm the only woman in this entire agency with any power.

The next highest-ranking woman is Joanie, the pasta chef in the cafeteria,

and her pasta sucks, and everybody hates her.

I know you're frustrated. But it's just a matter of time.

Opportunities don't come on a schedule.

Oops! But interrogations do.

Okay, I'll say it. She looked good.

She has gray hairs, too.

You just can't see them because all our screens suck.

You know what? Enough waiting to see what they can do for us.

Let's show them what we can do for them, huh? Today, we go rogue!

Wait, what?

You heard me. I'm going rogue! Who's with me?

Are you guys ready to live this freaking dream already?

The Navy had me in an office, pushing pencils,

and you saw what I could really be.

And when you showed up in my life, I was at rock bottom.

But look at me now. I'm in a garage!

Technically, I have to do everything you tell me to,

or I'll go back to prison.

Yes! Oh, this is going to be amazing.

We're gonna prove how great we are once and for all.

Now, step one of finding a case, find a case. So who's got one?

Counterfeit Crocs are flooding the market.

I believe a foreign power is trying to undermine the integrity of our insoles.

Mmm. Seems like a big leap. Anyone else?

Before I can give you my pitch, what is your definition of treason?

- Betraying your country or government. - Yeah, I got nothing.

Okay, I have two things.

One is, I met this guy last night who I suspect is a terrorist.

And the other idea is, okay, did you guys all know that raisins are grapes?

What was the first one?

- They're grapes first, and then... - The terrorist!

Oh, yes. He was a little suspicious.

It was my eleven o'clock show,

and I was doing something groundbreaking with my hair...

Red!

All of a sudden, a man in the audience caught my eye.

The first thing I noticed is that he'd covered up some pretty nasty bruises

on his face and neck with makeup,

and let's just say he's no me with the concealer.

And I saw a metal briefcase cuffed to his wrist,

and tattoos on his chest written in Kazakh.

I'm a little rusty, but I'm pretty sure they said,

"Anarchy will grow from the blood of the uninitiated."

- But I could be wrong. - This actually sounds like something.

We could tail him, figure out what's in the briefcase.

If he's actually planning anarchy or terrorism, he needs to be stopped.

But we need a lead.

A way to find this one gay guy hiding somewhere in Southern California.

Grindo!

Yup. Should be easy. I bet he hit me up already.

Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling...

Sorry, I'm, like, extremely popular on here.

- Twink. - Respect my work-life balance.

I'm trying to have it all. Ah! Here he is.

Alert HQ that WeHo is on a case!

We need your decisions on all these missions.

Yes, yes, no, abort.

Tell this one to go fuck itself, but in Russian.

Yes, ma'am.

What the hell were you thinking? You know I don't want Q-Force in the field.

- They're a liability. - What the hell is Q-Force?

The queers! Your fucking Lollipop Brigade in West Hollywood.

I didn't assign them a case.

Sounds like two of your heart meds are fighting with each other again.

Watch your mouth, little lady.

Need I remind you that they're too soft for active duty?

What if somebody sprains their pronoun?

I just spoke to Maryweather today. This has to be a misunderstanding.

I don't misunderstand shit! Never have, never will.

Fix this, or there will be hell to pay!

Damn it!

- JJ! Call me so I can hang up on you. - Right away, ma'am.

Damn it, JJ! Want it less!

Ignore the call. Once we solve the case, which we will, spectacularly,

she won't even care about the missed call. You can't argue with results.

I'm in. I hacked his phone through Grindo.

- Who else is he communicating with? - He's only received two texts.

Both from a blocked number. The first one's a photo.

Avert your eyes. This might be an enormous...

It's a location.

Phew. Okay. The second one's only one character long, the church emoji.

"Abbey" is a church term, right? Where the monks and nuns live.

Maybe it's a meetup at The Abbey, the gay bar.

Oh, my God, you guys, we solved it! Should we go out for drinks?

We did not solve the case. That was the very first hint.

Now, for my plan to work, we may need a distraction.

Say no more.

Ariana Grande ought to cause quite a stir in The Abbey.

The gays love me, and I love them.

Shout-out to my gay brother Frankie, who is gay.

Deb, fire up the Mary-mobile.

Please, her name is Subaru McClanahan.

WeHo Sunset, no OJ, extra grenadine,

two lime wedges, splash of soda, sugar-free cola,

grapefruit bitters, 12 cherries, two frozen grapes, metal straw.

Excuse me, can I buy you a drink?

I already have one, but thank you forever.

What a hot accent you have.

Do not move one inch. I will make you pregnant so soon.

Just have to urine. I love you.

K. Sounds great. I'll be right here.

Ariana Grande! Oh, my God!

Ariana, can I get a selfie? I'm gay like your brother!

Get in line, bitch!

A present? For me? You shouldn't have.

My love? How could you?

Choke him!

- He's on the move! - I'm right outside.

Tracker's online.

He's on San Vicente, heading west by south-north.

West by south-north?

It's San Vicente, nothing about that street makes sense.

- Damn it! We're gonna lose him! - No, we're not.

Outback, Jet Mode!

Are you sure this can fly?

I haven't tested it yet. And I made the jet engines out of parts

from my air conditioner. My wife's gonna kill me for that.

It's flying, though. I'm a genius!

There he is.

Careful, or you'll fall for me all over again.

You guys missed it! After you left, Ariana debuted a brand new song

called "Gimme Some Space, Homos, Geez." It's kinda great.

Where's Stat?

There you are. We need to decrypt...

- Deputy Director V! - Perfect timing.

The way you just stepped out of those shadows? I mean, iconic.

Your clearance is revoked. You're no longer agents of the AIA.

What? But we...

Let me put this in terms you'll understand.

Sashay away, agents.

Oh! Got it. That's bad.

Mary, what the hell were you thinking?

I was thinking that the time had come

for us to actually do something with our lives.

I told you what to do.

Sit around and wait?

I did that for ten years and I don't want to do it for another ten.

This job came before everything. My family, my friends, my dating life.

I have too much to offer, and so does the rest of my squad.

You don't get it. People like us can't break the rules.

We have to work twice as hard and wait twice as long to get our shot.

I thought you were smart, Steve.

But you just threw away everything I gave you.

Your whole career. Your future, damn it! For nothing.

Actually, not nothing.

The thumb drive contains top-secret schematics for some uranium mine.

Plus a whole lot of other stuff behind some major encryption.

The guy who handed it off left prints, though.

He's currently an intern in the Senate.

I'm sorry, what? You all foiled a possible black-market nuclear deal

with a tie to the federal government?

Sounds like it. Guess we better... "pack up our fag shit" and head out.

All we ever wanted was the chance to do our jobs. Just like anyone else.

Get me Chunley.

What part of "shit-canned" do you not understand?

Sir, if you'll just listen...

I don't have to listen to you, Deputy Director.

Yes, motherfucker, you absolutely do.

Excuse me?

You're excused, but your behavior isn't.

Those agents deserve your attention, because they're damn good.

This squad just uncovered an illegal nuclear arms deal

that your pimply red ass didn't even know was in the works.

Now, unless you want a nuclear bomb in a terrorist's hands,

reinstate these agents' credentials immediately.

Why would I do that?

Because if they ever fuck up again, you can fire me.

That's a tasty offer. I like it. All right, fine.

Then Q-Force is back online. Sorry, that's what everybody calls you.

Q for "queer." I'll make 'em stop.

I actually kind of like it.

Welcome back, Q-Force. And welcome to the chopping block, V. This is fun.

Thank you so...

Save it. I put my neck on the line for you this time, and I don't have another neck.

So from now on, you do what I say.

And don't screen my fucking calls!

The Subaru of people.

She'd be such a gay icon if only her identity wasn't top secret.

Ah. Uh, hey, you must be the new neighbor. This got delivered to us by mistake.

Oh, my God, yes. That thing is a... lamp.

Really? It's a really heavy lamp.

That's how you know it's good.

- I'm Steve, by the way. - Hey, I'm Benji.

I'll see you around, Benji.

Agent Maryweather, are you ready to see our brand-new headquarters?

Oh, my God, it's beautiful!

The Agency's already sent us all sorts of high-tech gear.

I can't wait to get my crumbs and smudges all over it.

And I can stop hooking up with the coroner for free hair!

Now it can just be about the sex.

I couldn't have done it without you guys.

Or you, lil guy.

Oh, my God, our first actual assignment from HQ!

We're officially on the case of the stolen uranium.

Hey, dildo. Nice office. Looks like a shitty garage in here.

- What are you doing here? - Chunley sent me.

My orders were, "Go babysit the sodomites,

and make sure they don't fuck up the entire world."

I guess that makes me... your new boss.

We don't need you to babysit us, Buck.

Although,

I do think lots of people would pay $7.99 a month to watch him be my babysitter.

Why don't you just get the hell out of here

and let us get on with saving the world?

I don't wanna be here any more than you want me to be here,

but you brought this on yourself.

You and the rest of the Spice Girls only have yourselves to blame.

Who the hell are you calling a Spice Girl, bitch?

Deb, let me handle this.

Spice is hot, hot is a temperature, temperature is climate,

climate is change, and change is good. So thanks for the compliment.

I think you should have just let Deb hit him.