Original subtitles

I didn't want to have to be this way.

But it's either you or me.

No, don't do it.

I'm sorry, but this town ain't big enough for the both of us.

What?

What's going on?

Sam's getting an update on the sales of our book. Well, her book, since the news

is bad.

So what does that mean, Sharon?

Well, it means we won't do a second printing unless things pick up

significantly. But I have a thought to drum up some publicity.

Here comes the playboy ask.

I think you just do it.

Honestly, while they're still asking.

You did a podcast with Todd Perlman, right?

No, but I did What's Too Acid with a Todd Rundgren. I'm sorry, do you think

you're on the Zoom?

She's talking about Creepy Todd.

Uh, yeah, the Alberta Haynes murder pod.

It was number 93 on Spotify on jazz -related murder pod. Not to brag.

Was that bragging? Well, as you're probably aware, Todd has become a huge

in the podcast space, and if you were able to book an appearance on the Todd

pod, it could be a game changer.

Dear God.

The thing is... The last time I saw him, we didn't exactly leave off on a great

note. Sam, card block him when Todd tried to put moves on Alberta's

The last author he had on the Todd pod tripled her book sales in one month.

Interesting. Let's huddle on our end, and we'll circle back.

But, like, what if he won't put me on the pod, Sharon?

Well, then I think perhaps we've reached the end of the line for your book.

Okay, I'll let you know what he says.

Thanks for hopping on.

We appreciate your time, and we look forward to next step. She can't hear

woman. We appreciate your time, and we look forward to next steps.

What the hell happened to Todd?

His skin glowed like belly of trout.

Oh, I'll tell you what happened to this man.

Money. It is the great cure -all. Todd, I just want to start by apologizing.

I know we didn't leave things on the best of terms.

Please. I didn't come all the way from Altoona to tell you that I was still

It's water under the bridge.

In fact, you guys were right to call me out. I was becoming way too obsessed

with Alberta.

He's not the first and he won't be the last.

Currently afflicted. I was spiraling. Truth is, I hit a wall with my research.

So strange. There's nothing in the historical record about Alberta Haynes

to 1923.

I know from interviews a bit about her early years, but there's no paper trail.

No record of her arriving in New York.

I mean, she had to live and work in the city. What was she doing? Who was she

with? Where did she go?

Yeah, he seemed over you.

But none of that matters now, because I've redirected that energy, and I put

all into the Todd pod.

Well, it's paying off for you. I mean, these guests you're getting, LeBron,

Chalamet, that economist whose episode I also totally listened to.

Enough with the chit -chat.

Inquire if that's a hair transplant, and then get to the book.

So, like I mentioned on the phone, I would love for you to consider having me

on. How about we grab lunch?

I need to know more about your process, your inspiration.

I mean, sure, there's a pod in you.

But is there a Todd pod in you?

Maybe it's the girl dad in me talking, but I would not go to a second location

alone with this man.

Um, why don't we have lunch at Jay's restaurant?

The food's amazing.

And Jay will be nearby with access to a lot of knives.

Alberta, you have a moment?

Sure, we'll shake him, Thor.

Earlier, Creepy Todd bring up that he unable to find information about you

to certain date. Well, that get Thor to remember something because Thor bring

good. Okay.

You once mentioned that Alberta, not your real name, was throwaway comic, but

Thor can't help but think that maybe two facts related.

So, what if they are?

So tell Thor a secret.

Why?

Because Thor put together pieces like Columbo or Steve from Blue's Clues,

Well, I ain't telling you nothing, Thor.

Then Thor will just remind other ghosts in house and out, but not your real name

and how that line up with what Todd say.

Don't you even think about getting everyone riled up. I don't want everyone

hounding me.

Well, then, you know what you must do.

Tell Thor everything.

Okay, fine.

The reason I changed my name is because... I killed a man.

And you're ashamed because it's just one person you killed? Just keep it to

yourself, okay?

Okay, fine.

You got it.

Alice? Uh -uh. I ain't telling you the real name. You get one secret, that's

you're getting. You have my word.

Beth. Stop!

You had Vince Vaughn on the Todd pod?

Great guy.

I'm actually using his decorator at my house. Nice.

You moved out of your mom's house.

No, I bought the house from her. But now I live in my basement.

Why won't this man live above ground?

Jay, these samosas are incredible.

Am I tasting a hint of macadamia? Actually, I fry them in macadamia nut

What a palate, Todd.

But let's talk colonial vampire.

I am biased, but honestly, it was my favorite book of the year. Well, he's

read two, that and the unauthorized biography of Chewbacca.

Difficult childhood, but Chewbacca come out on top.

So, Sam, why was this the story you were dying to tell?

Well, uh, I like historical fiction.

The vampire thing was just sort of a gimmick to please the publisher.

Oh, I was actually responding to the vampire stuff.

That's not surprising for someone who lives in a cave.

Samantha, may I talk to you for a second?

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

Well,

speaking of books...

Have you read the new Chewbacca biography?

Wookie of the year? Yeah, I loved it.

Hey, Ayla, I'm going to stand near you to talk to a ghost. No problem.

Samantha, what is going on over there? That man wants passion. He wants

I know it's hard to wow in that outfit, but that is what the moment demands.

Wait. Is that Todd Perlman? Yeah. Ugh, that creep asked me out in college.

Oh, right. You went to Penn State Altoona campus.

It was a townie who lived with his mom.

Well, now he's a wildly successful podcaster.

His mom lives with him. Have you ever heard of the Todd Pod?

That's him?

He must be loaded.

Is he single?

I should have gone to Medieval Times with him when I had the chance.

And that's why I named the restaurant after my father, Mahesh. That's

incredible. Every step of the way, he fought you following your passion. But

was his risk -taking and moving here that inspired your own bold gamble.

That is a great way of putting that.

These two are really connecting.

It's nice when men can talk about their feelings, except for Gordon Lightfoot,

who never shut up about them.

Sorry about that. Now, where were we? Oh, that's right. A tale about bats and

blood, tea and taxation.

Razzle. Let me stop you right there.

I am going to do my next Todd Pod here.

Yes! That's amazing.

But not about you or your book.

What? This next Todd Pod is going to dive deep into Jay.

The razzle came too late.

Too late!

with that jay i'm so sorry sam there's no way i could have seen that coming

what's happening jay charmed the pants off of creepy todd and now it's about he

whom todd wants to pod there's a simple solution here babe i'm just going to

tell him i don't want to do his podcast he came here to feature you and that's

what's going to happen

There you go. Jay jumps on the grenade. Sam gets her pity pod. Everyone's happy.

Well, I don't want a pity pod. Yes, we do.

Need I remind you that without this podcast appearance, our book is

And with it, my story.

And with that, any chance of an eventual garish Broadway musical based on my

story.

Stakes couldn't be higher.

You know who would be really good for the musical version?

Hugh Jackman? No, we're not casting it with movie stars. I have integrity. Now,

let's suck up to that creepy toenail collector and secure that pity pod.

Hello there, Pete.

Thor have some interesting news that he just learned, but he promised Alberta he

not say.

Oh, okay. I respect that. Well, on the other hand, last promise Alberta make to

Thor she break.

I speak, of course, of the saga of the revenge bear.

Sorry, is this going to take a while? Because the queen bee just left the

and the worker bees are going nuts.

Peter, your girlfriend Alberta, is a murderer.

Thought of?

Of just one man.

What? Also her real name, not Alberta.

Or Alice.

Or Beth. So don't bother trying to guess those.

I can't believe this. She told you this?

Yeah. And then she told Thor not to tell anyone.

But Thor have other plans.

Revenge, Bill, revenge.

So this is where it happens.

This is the genius's lair.

That dude's gonna bang this kitchen.

Can I help you? Oh, hi.

Todd Perlman.

I'm gonna be featuring Jay on an upcoming episode of my Todd Pod.

No way, that's you? You had Colin Farrell on recently.

Colin Farrell?

I'd put that penguin on a leash.

Todd! Hey, we need to talk.

Oh, hi, Mark.

Great news on the pod, Jay?

Yeah, about that. While I am deeply flattered, I don't think I'm going to be

able to do it. What? Seriously?

Sounds like a huge opportunity.

Oh, hey.

I didn't know there'd be anyone in here.

Wait a second.

Todd from Altoona?

Bela Orendaker.

That's my maiden name, which I still have.

Single.

Oh, she's good.

Oh, yeah, Bela's my sister, and she also works here.

Anyway, I really appreciate the offer, but I think you should stick with the

original plan to interview Sam.

Okay, there was no promise to interview Sam.

I came here with an open mind, but I wasn't moved.

You moved me, Jay.

He'll do the part. What?

What is there to even think about?

This could be huge for the restaurant.

And that's good for Sam, too.

It's actually good for all of us.

Oh, Mark is making some really strong points. I mean, yeah, I guess that's

Great. Then it's settled.

Awesome.

I'll have my guys come in and set up the equipment.

Bela, it was nice to see you on this side of the horseshoe curve.

Oh, my God. God, Todd, that was a hilarious Altoona reference.

You should be a stand -up comedian.

The way she debases herself to land a rich husband.

I respect the hell out of it.

So, I had a sort of interesting conversation with Thor.

I don't know how else to say this.

He said that you killed a man?

Damn it, Thor.

Revenge, bear, revenge!

Petty bitch!

What's going on?

I don't want to talk about this, Pete. Look, I know you lived a colorful life

and that you hung around with some no -good nicks, but you're not a murderer.

Are you? Pete, you're missing a lot of context.

So then share it. I don't want to.

Can't we just move on?

Alberta, look.

My marriage was riddled with secrets.

I was a cuckold. I was an unknowing front for the mob.

I can't be in another relationship where someone's keeping secrets from me. If I

tell you, it's going to change the way you see me forever.

I just want the truth.

Fine.

I'll tell you the story about how I became... Alberta Haynes.

I'm a little nervous, but I love the dramatic pause.

What's all this?

Todd's got to set this stuff up to record the pod.

Jay's talk with Todd must have worked.

You know what? I'm coming around on Jackman. The greatest showman? Maybe

But he's solid, and he puts butts in seats.

Hey.

Didn't love the sound of that, hey?

How'd it go with Todd?

Well, I told him I didn't want to be on this show, but he wouldn't take no for

an answer.

Seriously, Jay?

I was trapped.

Mark was there, and he insisted that I do it because of the publicity.

I can't believe this.

All slipping away.

At this rate, we'll be lucky to get Kevin Kline.

Do you think I want to spend four hours recording with Creepy Todd? He was

centrally stroking my kitchen counter. It was unnerving.

Ugh, Todd is the worst. I hate that we need this freak's help.

Hello?

Hey, Todd. I was just talking about my favorite kind of ice cream, which is

vanilla. Okay, so this is why I wrote and she typed.

Save it.

I heard everything.

Hot mic.

Todd, we can explain.

No need. You think I'm creepy.

Obviously, the podcast is off. Furthermore, I will be instructing the

That's what he called the fans.

To take you down with an avalanche of one -star reviews.

Oh, an avalanche once, but of snow.

They'll destroy your book, your restaurant, your B &B, your hopes, your

and your Uber rating.

Todd, please, can we just talk?

You had your chance to talk on the pod, but now that chance is gone.

And don't even think about using my code to get a discount on a mattress.

He's going full scorched earth.

Does anyone want to split this Altoona -style pizza with me? Oh, my God, Todd.

I didn't even know you were here.

Complete debasement to live in his basement.

So good.

All right, here we go. Hold on to your arrow, Pete, as you know.

I came to New York to pursue my dream of being a famous jazz singer.

But I wasn't an overnight success.

And I still had to pay the bills.

So you cleaned houses, you waited tables?

No, Pete.

My real name is Esther Green.

And I was a ventriloquist.

What? You have to understand, at that time, ventriloquism was all the rage.

Every day, buses from all over the country arrived in New York full of

with a dummy and a dream.

Did you have to book a second seat for the dummy, or was it like a lap child?

Sorry, travel agent brain, continue. So when singing wasn't panning out, I gave

ventriloquism a shot.

Turns out, I was a natural.

Okay, Murray, if you're so smart, Tell me what you see in the future.

Well, in about 15 minutes, I see a bunch of people asking for a refund.

Murray, you're terrible.

Ah, said the woman with her hand up my tongue.

But the more successful Esther Green and the magnificent Murray got, the further

away I was from getting my dream. I tried to pivot, but the public doesn't

a pivot.

All right.

something a little different, I, Esther Green, will be singing my rendition of A

Good Man is Hard to Find.

My heart is sad because I'm all alone.

I knew if I didn't do something drastic, I'd be known as one half of Esther and

the Magnificent Murray for the rest of my life. I never get to sing. I never

to live my dream.

I knew I had to make a clean break.

I didn't want to have to be this way.

But it's either you or me.

No, don't do it.

From that day on, I left Murray and Esther behind.

I took on the name Alberta Haynes, and I never looked back.

Alberta, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

You threw away a successful career to go after what you really wanted. That

takes guts.

I appreciate that.

But promise me you'll take this to your grave.

You know what I mean. I'm proud of Alberta Haynes, and I never want

jeopardize her legacy.

Okay. I promise.

So, last question on this.

Are you open to any ventriloquist dummy role play?

I don't think so.

Cheerfully withdrawn.

Todd, please, can we just discuss this?

Why would you want to discuss anything with a creepy freak?

I mean, if you don't want to be painted with that brush, maybe don't collect

toenails. Todd, you thought those were insults?

Creep and freak?

No, those are just terms of endearment.

Yeah, like, hey, let's get French, you creepy freak. Yeah, yeah, meet you there

at noon, you terrifying psycho.

Just stop it. The podcast is off. And my followers are going to ruin all that

you two hold sacred. What's going on here?

They called Todd creepy, now he vowed to exact revenge.

Todd, please, there has to be something we can do. There's nothing you two have

that I want.

Oh, Samantha and Jay, their business is ruined, their dream shattered.

Sam? Tell him you know my real name.

Are you sure?

No, but if it will help Simon J., I'll do it. Also sort of help Isaac.

Don't talk me out of it.

I'm out of here.

Todd, wait. I know Alberta's real name.

What are you talking about?

That's why he can't find any record of me before 1923.

I'll change my name. The reason you can't find any record of her before 1923

because she changed her name.

Why? Why would she do such a thing? Oh, we will be happy to tell you.

If you call off the Todd mob.

And you do the podcast about Sam.

No. About both of us. That's right. The couple that bribes together thrives

together. No.

After Jada and Will, I promised I would never do another couples episode.

Besides, I'm over Alberta.

I'm no longer obsessed with learning every juicy detail of her fascinating

and legacy.

Are you sure?

Because it's a doozy.

I don't like how he's twitching like that.

Okay, tell me! I gotta know!

Oh, there's that creepy Alberta obsessive we all know and love.

I'm a powerful drug.

And that's how Esther Green became Alberta Haynes.

Well, where's Alberta Haynes now?

That's the real mystery.

What a brave choice by Alberta.

Giving up the safety and stability of ventriloquism to test the unknown waters

of jazz singing.

See, I told you it was brave.

Look, I found an old picture of Esther Green.

Hey, that's Alberta.

I know from the tattoo on Todd's back, which is not creepy.

Wow, incredible.

Wait, Alberta, is that your current hat on the dummy?

Yeah, I took it from Murray's splintered corpse after the attack.

Even though I wanted to bury my past, I couldn't totally let go.

The truth is, Murray will always be a part of me.

That's really sweet, Alberta.

So, wait, your hat, literal hat for dummy?

Okay, sorry.

This is best day of the whole afterlife.

Okay, get out your system. What dumber, the tiny dumb hat.

Literal hat for dummy.

Thank you, Alberta.

It's an incredible gift.

For absolutely one night only, I present Esther Green and her

little pal, Pinecone Pete.

I'll get second billing. Cook you the dummy, dummy.

This is deeply weird.

Wait, Pete's voice sounds different.

Yeah, that's because Alberta's doing the voice.

But her lip's not moving.

Looks like we got a second dummy here tonight.

Watch your words, pinecone Pete.

Meet me.

I will.

Come at me. I dare you.

Alberta, what are you doing?

And now Thor is chopping Pete in half repeatedly.

Ouch.

Huh, that sounds like a tough watch.

Not so funny now, Python Pete!