Original subtitles

Hey, guys.

What are you doing?

Trying to guess what the date special will be based on the staff's prep work.

It's not exactly fun, but it's something.

Oh, hoping Jay finally takes a little suggestion and put rhymes testicles on

menu. And what is Gabe doing? Gabe is waiting to come down from whatever he

smoked on his break.

He says he's speaking telepathically to the cauliflower.

This man should not have access to knives.

Sorry I'm late.

Last night I took my date to that ice cream shop next to the animal shelter. I

teared up looking at those senior dogs in the window.

And then it was game on.

You're such a sleaze. An ice cream slash puppy cuddle doubleheader is exactly

the kind of move T -Money would have pulled in his prime.

The ice cream doesn't melt, but the panties do.

Why doesn't the ice cream melt? I don't know, Pete. Just let me have a

catchphrase. You get everything I requested for tonight's special? Sure

Cobra. Ooh, here we go.

Yes! Full rice, rams' testicles.

Diners eat well tonight.

Thorfinn, those are Brussels sprouts.

They're vegetables.

And people eat.

They're gonna be sick.

Sam. Remember how I have a daughter now?

Well, she came to visit, and while she was here, you texted her from my phone,

pretending to be me, and said that the man who raised her wasn't her real

father, and that you were, and then I had to take the blame. So, yeah, I

remember.

Well, great news. I saw on Instagram that she lost her job, so you can hire

here at the restaurant.

Oh, boy.

Trevor wants us to hire his daughter as a server at Mahesh.

Uh, too bad we spent all our money fixing the stripper -shaped hole in the

What? You know, it's not technically possible, but I swear that whole head

What if I pay her salary?

I have the money for my finance job. Trevor says he'll pay Abby's salary. He

just wants to be around her.

Actually, kind of sweet.

Yeah, okay.

I mean, it's a really good deal.

Yes.

You won't regret this.

Okay, well, we don't even know if she'll take the job.

I just appreciate that you're going to ask her.

And while he's saying yes to things, maybe we should hire her hot friend

as a hostess. Ew, Trevor, that's your daughter's friend.

I'm new to the whole girl -dad thing. I'm learning on the job.

Good note.

So how are things going with you and Pete?

I mean, good, but since we both have roommates, we don't have anywhere to

out. Oh, so you two are still just at the kissing stage.

Okay, well, FYI, there's more. I know all about it because, you know, I did it

with Joan.

Oh, and she was so satisfied he still hasn't come back.

That's impressive.

Attention, everyone.

Creepy Dirk has an announcement.

I'm running for re -election.

What's he talking about? You guys don't remember?

Four years ago, Dirk beat Isaac in Alberta and became ghost representative.

You had to resort to flimflammery to beat me, which is the ultimate

Anyways, Dirk's four -year term is up, and I'm running his re -election

campaign. And we're just up here to press the flesh, as they say in the

game.

Alberta, would you like to press my flesh?

I'm good.

Isn't the position just ceremonial? I know originally it was supposed to be

ghost that communicates with Sam, but now it's just an empty figurehead

position. I mean, who would even... Not to hig and toot my own horn,

but I believe destiny has chosen me for this moment.

If the upstairs ghost can line up behind me and we don't split our boat again, I

shall prevail.

So here I am, throwing my hat into the ring.

Ooh, that sounds... Fun.

What does?

Throwing hats into rings.

I'm in, too.

No, no, I literally just explained why we shouldn't both do that. It's self

-defeating. But on the other hand, throwing hats into rings rules.

Yes.

Dibs on Alberta's hat.

Look at my girl, Shana Putnam. I know I can't hug her, but would it be weird if

I poked her cheek?

We're so thrilled that you were able to fill the position, Abby. Yeah, you

caught me at a bit of a rough moment.

I broke up with my boyfriend, lost my job, and my roommate adopted a bunch of

ferrets. I had a bunch of ferrets once. Oh, that coat was the envy of East 61st

Street. Well, we're lucky to have you.

I'm a bit confused why you reached out to me, though, because waiters are very

easy to find, and I've never done it before.

I think she's delicately asking if you have a weird obsession with her, which,

honestly, the facts support.

Well, we saw some of your recent posts, and we noticed that you were having kind

of a tough run of it. And, to be totally honest, I still feel bad about...

How do I say this?

Almost destroying her family last time she here? How things went when you

visited. Well, yeah, I'm happy to work here. But there need to be some very

clear boundaries set.

Because last time things got very weird.

Understood. Sam, I promise I will not make you look like a freak again.

Thank you.

Is what you could have said in response to what I said, it's just sort of

polite. Yes, you're not a freak who can see ghosts. You're merely an annoying

etiquette hawk. Well played.

We off to good start.

Flower, listen.

I'm concerned that if we both run for ghost representative, we'll split the

upstairs vote, thus extending Creepy Dark's reign of ickiness.

Look. Isaac, when I first threw my hat in the ring, I'll admit, I thought it

literally about hats and rings and just checking we're sure it's not that. No,

sweetie, this is about running for elective office.

Which I dig. My whole vibe was about effecting change.

Us hippies, we weren't just doing acid and having orgies for fun. We were doing

those things to protest Nixon.

Why don't you two have a primary?

to pick which of you will run against Dirk in the general. That way you won't

have to split the upstairs ghost vote.

Interesting. And any primary would, of course, feature that grandest of

political traditions, the debate.

Flower, do you accept this challenge?

Okay. Then it's settled. It shall be I, someone who has committed the entire

works of Aristotle to memory, versus Flower, who is, whoop, currently staring

a lamp.

Oh. Oh.

I was wondering why this TV show had gotten so lamp -heavy.

Look at her. She's nailing it.

And she's only 298 months old.

Hey, girl.

The customers are loving you. Must be that famous Lefkowitz charm.

What do you mean?

Bela, that's going to be a tough one to explain.

Because you don't...

When they hosted your biological father's memorial here, a lot of people

about how charming he was. So that's how I know.

Not because he personally charmed me.

How could he? He's dead.

Yes, she pulled off.

What's up?

I'm Neil. I'm one of the cooks.

Uh -oh. What's this?

Could be innocent. We don't know.

You're new here, right?

No, I've been here for months. I'm just really good at blending in.

Funny and cute.

That's a dangerous combination.

Come on, this is flirtatious.

No, she's just being nice. He's too old for her.

She just took her idea.

It is on.

Well, I can show you around the town after work if you like, but only if you

answer one question correctly.

What's that?

Do you like ice cream?

Yeah.

Who doesn't like ice cream?

Great. Ice cream means sex.

In order to help you with your debate against Isaac, we'll ask questions that

could come up at the debate, and you just do your best.

Oh. Question one.

The shaft of light in the upstairs den.

It's always been first come, first served.

But do you think that's fair? Or should we have designated times like we do with

the TV?

Oh, I know this one.

Seven.

What's that?

Teen?

Seventeen. But those are just numbers.

Red. Child or girl's in trouble.

No, no, no. Oh.

Whoa.

How? Are you okay?

I'm more worried about Gabe.

Oh, I think I need to sit down.

The most stoned man in the world just got flowered. Is he going to be okay?

Hmm. You posit an interesting question, Sassafis. Based on his prodigious use of

mind -altering substances, I'd have to assume that he's an extreme outlier in

terms of his capacity to metabolize THC and psilocybin.

What the hell just happened?

I think Flower got smart.

But because Gabe walked through her? How does that work?

As I currently feel sober, I can only surmise that Gabe's impressive tolerance

has caused him to absorb the entirety of my intoxication.

Okay, so are you just going to be smart from now on? Based on what I've

witnessed in my time here, these metaphysical side effects are always

I have no reason to believe this will be any different.

Then let's get you to that debate.

What was in that Pop -Tart?

I'm just going to take a nap.

No. Pete, I'm sorry. I'm not going to have a dedicated room for the ghost to

make out in. Would it help if I told you we already have a name for the room?

It's Smooch City.

He told me, and now you have to know.

Sam,

I need you to fire Neil before the restaurant closes tonight.

He's going to take Abby out for ice cream. Ice cream, Sam!

That doesn't sound so bad.

That's his big move.

The guy is a dog.

Jay, Trevor is worried because Neil asked Abby out, and I guess he's a bit

playboy? He carries five condoms in his wallet. From the outside, it looks like

the Olympic rings.

Abby's a grown woman, and a restaurant's not like normal workplaces. Chefs work

hard, they got to play hard. I got some stories for you about other people in a

third party very distant.

Don't companies today have policies against dating in the workplace?

Yes! My investment firm certainly does. I know because I got reprimanded for

posting that hot or not list on the company Slack.

The ghosts are suggesting we institute a policy about dating in the workplace.

Sam, please. I just, I don't want to get her heartbroken by some jerk.

He's really worried about Abby. Come on, it's his daughter.

Okay, ah, jeez. Okay, fine.

Well, maybe we can tell everyone there's a mandatory meeting about HR stuff and

we can sneak the new policy in. In my day, HR referred to Heath Rutherford,

was in charge of dumping cold water on young factory workers asleep at the

That is the downside of employing children. They are always napping.

Okay, welcome to the first Upstairs Ghosts primary debate. We'll begin with

opening statements. Isaac, you have the floor. Thank you, everyone, for

attending. Democracy works best when all participate.

White male landowners and others.

Okay, that felt like an applause line, but no matter.

Now, Flower, which style of debate would you like to engage in?

A debate.

is a sort of formalized exchange of ideas.

Thank you, Isaac.

I'm equally comfortable in Lincoln Douglas, British Parliamentary, or

style.

You can choose.

Uh... No, you're speaking gibberish. We need to stop this.

Okay, now it's time for our first question.

Yes, I have one. Who are you and what in the hell have you done with Flower? I

maintain that all of us have within us the ability to rise and meet the moment.

If elected, I would follow the words of Cicero.

The welfare of the people shall be the supreme law.

What's happening?

Why is she so cogent?

Okay, our next question comes from Sasapi.

Let's say a ghost wanted to smell pizza, but Sam refused to order one. How would

you, as ghost representative, handle that?

I'll take this one.

As a ghost, I would be powerless to help.

Therefore, I would advise you... to surrender.

Which, not to brag, I am incredible at.

Thank you.

Uh, Flower, same question?

Scratch and sniff stickers employ a process known as microencapsulation to

capture various scents, including pizza, in two -dimensional objects.

I would convince Sam to keep a number of these on hand, and then Trevor could

activate them using his ghost power.

This isn't fair.

Slim Flabber, are you put?

It's Lynn's memory, I say.

Okay, well, thanks, everyone, for gathering.

I'll try and keep this brief. It's just a quick update on our new dating in the

workplace policy.

I'm sorry, we have a dating in the workplace policy?

We do now.

And I support it 100%, whatever it is, because of my respect for women.

Thank you, Mark.

What are you doing here?

I heard there was a seminar on sexual harassment, and that is a subject I am

always looking to improve on. And by improve on, I mean get better at doing

Great tush, by the way.

Is this new policy because of me and the linens lady?

No. Then is it because of me and Gabe?

Did we hook up?

You met my parents.

Look, this isn't about anyone in particular. Just going forward, the new

is we don't allow for workplace relationships.

Did you hear that Neil and I are supposed to get ice cream tonight?

No. That was not on my radar.

But it would be prohibited under the new policy.

So there was no policy, and now there is a policy just a few hours before Neil

and I are supposed to hang out, and you're telling us now in an emergency HR

meeting. That's just a series of coincidences.

Ooh, this is a damning fact pattern.

This is very weird and very messed up, Sam, but honestly, I'm not surprised at

all. Abby, wait.

I think people should be allowed to date who they want.

She's a woman, too. I'm supporting women.

Do you want a kiss? Oh, my God.

We just came back from the vote, and you won in a landslide.

That's incredible.

What did I win?

Was it best smile?

In the commune, I won three years in a row, but then I got high and chipped my

tooth on a rock that looked like an apple but tasted like a rock.

Welcome back, Flower.

It's actually really good to see you again. Oh, we missed you, you

So do you remember anything from when you were smart?

I just remember this overwhelming feeling of futility. Like I was hyper

of how powerless we are and how we're trapped here forever with absolutely no

idea why.

Do you guys ever think about that?

Constantly. It was bleak, man.

Oh, yeah, it's incredibly depressing.

What is?

Oh, that TV show about the lamp is on again.

Oh, I've seen this episode. It's a classic.

So she just bummed us out, and now she's back in the happy land.

Yeah.

I can vault. She's packing salmon.

Hey,

Abby, have you got a sec? Oh, wait, is there another boundary you want to

or do you want some blood so you can map my DNA?

Look, I'm sorry that I meddled again. It's just that the thing is... The thing

is... Just tell her.

Seriously? What do you have to lose?

What are you talking about?

Do it.

Your father is a ghost who haunts this mansion.

And I know that because I can see ghosts.

That really sounds nuts what you said out loud.

She just blurts it out. Meanwhile, my mother was institutionalized for

cramps. You people are crazy.

Please never contact me again.

I'm leaving now.

Abby, wait.

Look, I had the same reaction when they told me. But then Sam proved it by

having one of the ghosts tell her everything that was in my purse.

Sam, are there any ghosts in here right now?

Hedy, Thorfinn, and Trevor, your father.

Oh, hi, Trevor.

We have history.

He catfished me. It's a long story, but basically I was almost your stepmother.

Bayla, please stop talking.

Hedy, do you mind?

Makeup! Nail file!

a book of crossword puzzles, and a string cheese out of its wrapper.

Makeup, nail file, crossword puzzles, and unwrapped string cheese. All that

proves is that you've been snooping through my things, which is very on

for you. This is not a trick. You can take the bag out of the room and fill

Wait, she's my daughter. I'll prove it to her.

Sam, tell her to look at the pen on the table. Trevor wants you to look at the

pen on the table. He has the ability to move things.

Okay, yeah, and I bet you haven't tied dental floss to that or anything.

Okay, then you pick the object.

I mean, there's no way that we could have rigged everything in this room.

All right.

My water bottle, which I've had with me all day.

So I know you didn't mess with it. What? No!

This thing is huge! Why do girls carry around so much water these days?

The thing is, that's a little heavy for Trevor. Could you possibly pick

something lighter? I knew you were full of it. Okay, okay, fine. If that's what

she wants, fine.

He's trying.

It's impossible.

Come on, Trevor.

I can do it.

For my daughter.

How are you doing that?

It's Trevor.

He's really strong for a ghost. And funny.

And sensitive.

Is this real?

Yes. I'm here.

I'm here.

He's here.

This is a lot to take in.

I told you he was strong.

Is he pumped right now? Do they get all, like, pumped?

You need to either get or fire a therapist.

He says if you'll stay, he promises not to be overprotective. He just wants to

get to know you.

This is insane.

And also, he understands if you want to go out with Neil, but he says he's not

good enough for you. Oh, no, I know that. I was using him for free food.

His contact in my phone is literally Neil the meal.

Oh, she was going to play the player.

I have never been so proud.

Alone at last.

I thought it would never happen.

Sorry,

didn't realize you two were in here.

But you're staying.

Okay. It's just so unfair.

She was off drugs. How is that legal?

I just got so excited about the idea of finally holding office.

It's what I've wanted for over 200 years, but I couldn't even beat Flower.

You know, Isaac, if this is what you want, maybe they're still away.

I grew up in the South. Do you know what carpetbag is all?

Of course.

But explain it for Pete's benefit.

Copper baggers are politicians from the north who move to the south to run for

office. Are you suggesting that I take a presidency in the basement and primary

creepy dark?

Yeah, maybe that's just too crazy.

Someone would have to be incredibly charming to defeat a popular incumbent

outsider.

Incredibly charming?

But that's me. I shall move to the basement and ingratiate myself with

hideous ghouls, and I shan't return until they've chosen me to run against

Flower in the general election.

What was that?

I thought you didn't want him to be the ghost representative.

I don't, but I just got my roommate to move to the basement, which means you

I finally have that make -out space we've been looking for.

Well, in that case, welcome to Smooch City. This is your mayor speaking.

Unless you want to be mayor, in which case, this is your deputy mayor

Yes, madam mayor.

Hello, besties.

What's that smell?

Because I love it.