Original subtitles

Park that carefully.

It's a precious relic. This is a travesty. You know not what you do.

Just let them rest in peace.

A curse on whoever is responsible for this.

A curse upon their descendants.

She's beautiful, isn't she?

The centerpiece of my new farm -to -table menu, the blue heirloom squash

from seed right here at Woodstone. Have you ever seen anything like her? Sam, do

not leave that man alone with this vegetable.

Jay is very excited about the fall menu. We really want to get the restaurant

back on track.

Yeah, and since we don't have Satan or any of his dark powers helping us, I had

to do something splashy.

Nothing more splashy than old squash.

Guess who just sold four more tickets to our first annual Halloween haunted

house? Bela, the answer is Bela. She's also forcing the kitchen staff to work

the event, which warmed my labor -exploiting heart.

I still think it's crazy you're resorting to a bunch of fake blood and

costumes when you've got the real deal right here, baby. We're ghosts.

Yeah, but your guy's stuff isn't exactly scary.

Excuse me?

Don't poke the ghost, Sam.

Hey. I can move a Dixie cup a little bit if I try real hard. And my humming can

be heard in the world of the living, if the room tone is quiet enough. And if

you wait until St. Patrick's Day, why do I even bother?

Thor have the power to harness electricity.

Strike fear into the hardest of hearts.

Now,

was that Thor?

See?

Made a terrified tremble before.

Cool. Hey, Bela, thanks so much for taking the lead with all the haunted

stuff. Yeah.

I just wish the house was a little spookier. I mean, it's derelict. That's

But I feel like we could use some more creepy decorations or something.

Well, there's a bunch of creepy stuff in the basement. We can bring some of that

crap up here.

Excuse you, sir. Crap?

Jay, it was a little insensitive to refer to Hedy's family heirlooms that

Insensitive? Her husband tried to kill me and drag me to hell. Come on, Sam.

You would never treat me like this.

I'm telling you, get rid of that thing, Sam. Puree it, chuck it, just get it out

of the damn house.

Gosh, I love a good haunted house.

The peeled grapes that are supposed to be eyeballs, the zombie brains that are

just cold spaghetti.

Zombies are a trip, man.

Can you imagine being dead, but still, like, walking around and stuff?

Yeah, that's really hard to picture. And no matter what they do, this home will

never be more frightening than the scariest house of all.

The U .S. House of Representatives.

Because of the dysfunction.

How wonderful it is to see you all.

Hi, Nigel. You're in a good mood.

Well, it is All Hallows' Eve, which means we can bring back a ghost who's

sucked off.

And I plan on bringing back Chris, the skydiving exotic dancer who stole my

heart. Right, because he was sucked off, as we all remember and lament. Right,

guys? That is the story that I heard and have no reason to question.

Although, here's the thing, and you might not have been aware of this,

but in order for a ghost to come back, the living who's doing the seance must

have an object that the ghost had on their person when they died.

Oh, dear.

No, I didn't realize that was necessary.

Yes, and we don't have such an object. I guess there's nothing we can do except

just go on with our afterlives and never think of this again.

But what about the penis straws the stripper died with?

Excuse me? He was going to pass them out to the bachelorette party, but then Sam

took them off his dead body and kept them.

Why would she do that?

I don't know. She's a secret freak. Stop shaming her, you square.

Well, this is outstanding news.

Yes, so great.

Oh, thank you, Flower.

I shall go talk to Samantha forthwith.

It's been a hard few months, but it appears my luck has started to turn.

Flower, what have you done?

You mean like ever?

That's a toughie.

Acid, quaaludes. I smoked a toad once. No, I was lying when I said that Chris

got sucked off. As you all know, he floated away on his own accord, and

will be crushed when he finds out.

And furious at me for deceiving him.

Oh, no.

Okay, I have to go find Samantha to get our story straight.

I'm sorry.

You smoked a toad? Yeah.

But if I didn't, he was going to smoke me.

At least that's what he told me after I smoked him.

What's this weird little clamp thing?

Huh? It's an elbow clip.

Well -bred children wore them during adolescence to ensure their elbows

nice and pointed. Oh, that's terrible.

The girl with a rounded baker's elbow?

I don't know what kind of theme Bela's working with here, but this Egyptian

stuff looks pretty real.

That because it is real. There are actual mummy in there.

We were the first in the colony to have one, which was very important as the

Vanderbilts had just acquired the skull of a pig boy.

Yeah, you can't be out pig boyed. Jay, apparently that's a real mummy in that

sarcophagus that Hedy somehow acquired.

That doesn't sound like something we should have.

Still very cool, though.

We bought it from an unscrupulous antiquities dealer in the early 1890s.

then, mummies were all the rage.

Their wrapping's a popular cure -all.

She eats his toe.

Poor watch. It was gross.

People ate mummies? Oh, yes.

Never did much for my insomnia, though, to be fair, at the time I was consuming

cocaine by the hillock. Oh, it comes with a manual.

Ooh, are these hieroglyphics? I got an app for this.

He pays $29 a month for that, and this is the first time he's used it. The

Egyptian Book of the Dead?

Dope. O thou only one who shinest from the moon, when Tuat is opened to the

gods, let me come forth to do his pleasure upon earth amidst the living.

Greetings.

I am Amenhotep, son of Horemheb and Meresank. Oh, my God.

What happened to his toe?

Althar, what just happened?

Uh, Jay, when I just read that thing, an Egyptian ghost came out of the mummy.

What? How?

Perhaps I could shed some light on the matter?

The mummy's going to explain.

Sorry, I'm Sam. I'm a living, but I can see and talk to ghosts. My husband, Jay,

can't. Pretty hard to see on that cant there, Sam. Felt aggressive.

Three thousand years ago, when I died, the priest who was supposed to oversee

mummification rituals was waylaid, and his replacement was...

Not what you would call experience.

You got it, second string. Priest, continue.

The rituals were performed incorrectly, and as such, my spirit was confined to

my mummified corpse.

Jay, you better fire up the ghost notes. This one is a doozy. Much later, I was

stolen from my tomb in Egypt and transported to a strange land.

A despicable family known as the Woodstones paraded me around like a

their parties, and even ate my toe.

Thor, sir, was gross.

Who is Thor?

Thor, Thor.

Uh, how did you learn English?

I was unable to see my surroundings, but from inside my wrappings, I could hear

what was going on. Slowly, I learned the language of this land.

So if you were to ever hear the voice of a wood star, I would recognize it

instantly.

Their evil cadence is burned into my brain.

If I were ever to encounter a Woodstone, I would take revenge by raining

pestilence and death down upon them.

Well, good thing there are no Woodstones here anymore.

What?

There aren't, Jay. They're all gone, right?

Yep, no more Woodstones. That is good.

Forgive me. I have not asked your names. Oh, well, you've already met the

Livings here, and Thor, and Trevor, and I'm Alberta.

And, um, this is... Oh, hi.

Hiya. I'm Marge, don't you know? I died at a costume party in 1995.

So nice to meet ya.

Wait, why were you doing an impression of the cop lady from Fargo? It was the

first thing that came to mind. I don't know why. When you encounter a man whose

digits you've consumed, you panic.

Okay, wait, so this mummy ghost, if he finds out that Hedy's the one who

his remains over from Egypt and that you're one of her descendants, he's

gonna... I'm sorry, what was the quote?

Uh, rain, pestilence, and death down upon us? That's hard to misinterpret.

Where the hell did he come from? I hate this haunted house.

Gabe? We're not haunted house customers.

It's Sam and Jay, your employers.

Oh, my bad.

In my defense, I'm pretty baked.

That's not the best defense.

This isn't good. It's only a matter of time before Amenhotep figures out that

Hedy and I are woodstones and then... Then what?

I don't know.

But we watched The Mummy. It wasn't good, man.

Wasn't good?

It was some of Brendan Fraser's best work. Plus Rachel's wife.

You want to give that review another run, Pete?

It was fine. It wasn't really my thing. Okay, let's just talk this out. It was a

scroll spell that unleashed him. So maybe if we do a counter spell, that'll

him back into his bandages. That's worth a shot.

Pete and Alberta, you guys distract Amenhotep, take him on a tour of the

or whatever, while we figure out how to try to get him back in. On it. Pete,

let's go. Are you mad?

Oh, Pete, I was just messing with you. Okay, because I don't even think she's

pretty. More like Rachel Yikes.

Samantha, where have you been?

I've been looking for you. I need your help.

Nigel's going to ask you to summon Chris the Stripper using the penis straws you

kept for some reason after his demise. I did not keep the penis straws. Wait,

what's happening?

Chris the Stripper had this package of...

novelty drinking straws on him when he perished, and I held on to them,

maybe they could be used as evidence.

And when the cops left, I thought about returning them to his family.

That's a hard call to make. Sorry your son died. I got his penis straws if you

want something to remember him by.

Samantha, please, just tell Nigel that you don't have the straws.

Okay. I can see this is important to you.

There's more to life than a couple of penis straws, don't you know?

Oh, just so you're aware, I'm not Hetty. I am Marge Gunderson, a small -town

policewoman whose husband paints pictures of birds. Okay, Marge, this is

You look just like my friend Hetty.

And that is Manchin.

Before Manchin, Thor lived here for many centuries alone.

I have been trapped in my mummified corpse for 3 ,000 years.

They took my brain out through my nose with a hook.

Okay, yes.

Not competition.

You know who else looks like her brain was sucked out through her nose? Rachel

Weisz. Yuck.

I was just messing with you. Move on, Pete.

If I could give you two a little advice.

Don't waste your time fighting, because you never know when fate will rip you

apart. What do you mean, friend?

It is a sad tale, Thor.

My wife and I were entombed together, but then the Woodstones stole me from

resting place.

Too rich to leave me alone, too poor to buy the both of us.

Oh, that's so sad.

So it's true. There is a new hunky ghost.

I am Amin Hotep. Amin Hotep.

More like, I'ma tap that.

What is that?

Why is there a painting of that woman, Marge, who died at a costume party in

1995? It's not...

I don't think that looks like her. Marge, what are you talking about?

Hetty Woodstone, the lady that built the house?

She doesn't know what she's talking about. Yes, I do. It's Hetty. Am I

That is Hetty Woodstone?

Okay,

this one might work.

But it says that we need an amulet blessed by a priest. Is there any chance

we have an amulet blessed by a priest around here?

I don't, but I do have a stuffed albino alligator. Is that anything?

No amulet, sorry, Jay.

Okay, I'll keep looking.

Well, well, well.

Oh, hey there, young stranger.

The jig is up. He knows everything.

Oh, Jay, Almanhotep knows about Eddie.

What? Does he know that you're a Woodstone, too? What? He's also in the

Well, you gotta lead with that.

You shall pay.

You shall all pay.

A curse upon you.

What was that?

Three thousand -year -old mummy curse descending upon us.

Seriously? Oh, gee.

Is that?

Yeah. It's a cloud of locusts approaching.

Almanhotep cursed us.

They're heading straight for the garden, Sam. The entire farm -to -table menu

hangs in the balance.

You know, part of me can't help but feel responsible.

Oh, really?

Well, I know I'm being silly.

Uh, Sam?

I know you've got a lot on your plate right now, but, um, Almanhotep has

reanimated his mummified corpse and pented to kill you.

We could source the squash from elsewhere. I mean, it's a farm to a

Jay, there's actually bigger fish.

Oh, I'm sorry. Bigger fish than my heirloom squash?

Amanda,

is that you?

Great costume.

No, that's not the line cook, Jay. That's the real mummy reanimated. He's

to kill me.

I hate this. Why do we live here?

Oh, good.

There you are, Samantha. I have a rather indelicate question.

A little busy right now, Nigel.

Oh, God.

Right. Well, my thing is rather urgent, too. It's come to my attention that

you're in the possession of some novelty penis straw.

Oh, for God's sake. Chris didn't get sucked off, okay? He flew away. Isaac

to you.

What? Damn, Samantha.

Ice cold. I'm sorry, Nigel.

I see.

Okay, next Halloween, we're going on vacation.

Oh, poor Nigel. God, brokenhearted.

Wait a minute.

Brokenheart? Maybe that's how we can get Amenhotep to cease this reign of

terror. What do you mean, Pete? Oh, that's right. He said when he was taken

Egypt, his mummy got separated from his wife's mummy. They had been entombed

together. Oh, jeez, Hattie. You couldn't spring for the pair?

It was just very expensive to bring both. And I mean, two mummies?

That's a little show -off -y.

You...

Jay, I think I know how we can write things with Amenhotep. Wait, do you hear

that?

Silence.

I think the mummy gave up.

Oh, yes, it's gone!

Isn't that scary?

Well, just you wait.

I'm sorry. Did you scream?

It was scary.

You knew it was coming, man. I think so.

I spoke with Samantha about the straws. Oh. Oh. What did she say? She has the

straws and will perform the seance straight away.

What? Did that surprise you? You knave. She told me the truth. Chris wasn't

sucked off. He was blown.

Sorry? By the wind.

The parachute.

Why did you lie to me?

Okay, well, Samantha wasn't supposed to say that part, but yes, it's true. I

lied. Unbelievable.

After all you've done to me, you couldn't help but put your finger in my

hole and wiggle it around.

Oh, trying to be fly on wall, but must point out that it seemed Isaac only do

what he do to Nigel to be nice so that you not think Chris just leave you.

Is that true, Isaac?

Well... At the time, you were still reeling from being left at the altar.

Doesn't matter by whom.

You were just trying to spare my feelings.

That's a bit of a surprise.

Well, it shouldn't be.

I care about you, Nigel.

I always have.

And your happiness is important to me.

Thank you, Isaac.

Although it does bring into focus the stark reality that the man I thought I

shared a spark with couldn't even care enough about me to say goodbye.

I'm a sad, sad little man.

You know, now that I think back, you know, Chris did mention something about

return date.

Really? Mm -hmm.

When?

Christmas Eve.

For real?

No,

I don't know why I said that. I just don't like the uncomfortable moments.

course -corrected in real time, and that is growth.

You need help.

I know.

The mansion was actually built in the ruins of a cholera pest house.

I'm just happy our story's getting out there.

So fake.

Open hotel.

Please, call off the curtain.

Why would I do that?

Because we, the Woodstones, have learned the error of our ways.

I should have never separated you from your beloved.

My husband and I were products of our time, but...

That doesn't excuse us disrespecting your remains the way we did.

Though, not to toot my own horn, there were nine toes I did not eat. Eddie. The

point is, I'm sorry, and we might be able to help right this wrong.

Amanhotep, we can reunite you with your wife. Tell him, Jay. We did some

research. There's this thing called the Internet.

Turns out you were quite a notable fellow. So notable, in fact, that we

your wife's mummy.

Where is she? She's in a museum in Egypt. And you can join her along with

remains if you want.

I'm going home. That's right, buddy. And I'm going to go with you. And when we

get there, I can recite the incantation and free her from her mummy as well. You

and your wife can finally be together.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

What's he saying, babe? Is he happy? He's very pleased, Jay.

Okay, so he's going to call off the locusts and the mummy?

And the herd of rats headed your way.

Oh, didn't know about the rat.

They were going to eat the locusts and then prove to be a much bigger problem.

had this whole thing planned.

Now, Peter, are you sure you will be able to memorize this incantation?

talking to a guy who does a word -perfect version of Bill Murray's It

Doesn't Matter monologue from Meatballs.

What is Meatballs? Oh, buddy.

We got a whole plane ride to Cairo. We're going to get into Rudy, the sad

We'll talk about Marty, the camp director, whose bed they hilariously put

middle of the lake. Oh, and when we're done with Meatballs, we'll move on to

extended Ivan Reitman universe.

Can I ride in my book?

Nope.

So, it all starts in a parking lot full of buses where a bunch of ragtag

hormonal teenagers are about to have the summer of their lives. Yeah.

It was really lovely, you guys. I did the spell, and sure enough, Amenhotep's

wife came out of the mummy.

Oh, the moment when they first saw each other tingles.

Pete says it was really sweet reuniting Amenhotep and his wife. I love that.

Hey, Jay, do you hope we spend eternity together?

This is a must -say -yes situation.

Yes.

There you go.

It was a layup, but you still got to make those.

Oh, I will be sorry to retire, Marge Gunderson.

But okie -dokie.

Say, you happen to do a Philly accent?

Well, that depends on whether or not you can move that glass of water.

Say more.

I saw on the boob tube that eagles are going to be good to share.

Yeah. Let's go through batteries at Santa Claus.

You like that?

Mm -hmm.