Original subtitles

The reason I left was because I had to go talk to Donna to tell her that I

see her anymore because there's something I have to do.

What? This.

Oh, my.

Something brought me from the dirt today.

A presence, no devil.

Although you know me as a hard -working publicist, I am in fact Elias Woodstone,

an emissary for the devil.

No. When you signed the contract to hire me, in exchange for making your dreams

come true, I secured your soul for Satan.

What's important for you is to relax and enjoy what little time you have left to

live. Look out!

Rats. Thought I'd get them on the first try. Oh, well.

See you soon.

I know Elias showed up and revealed that he had tricked Jay into selling his

soul and is now actively trying to kill him, but it was a lovely book launch

party. True.

It'll be pretty bitchin' as one of Jay's last memories. How is Jay doing today,

Samantha? Still on edge? Yes.

We're both on edge. An emissary if the devil is trying to kill my husband and

drag him to hell, so we're on high alert, okay?

It's DEFCON 5.

Well, actually, DEFCON 1 is the most dangerous.

Not now, Pete.

Sam?

Did the bubble wrap I ordered arrive?

I'm going to need you to wrap me up, babe. Poor Jay.

An eternity in hell. I know what that's like. I want to spend a weekend in

Boston.

Jay, I don't think this is going to cut it. We need a better solution than

hockey pads and some bubble wrap.

You're thinking I should put on my stormtrooper armor?

I wish I had mithril, which, as you know, protected Frodo from an orc spear

the Mines of Moria. Oh, I see.

Intentionally trying to shrivel your desire for him in order to make his

upcoming absence more bearable for you.

That's thoughtful.

I don't think the answer is that we just keep evading attempts on your life. We

need to figure out how to get you out of this deal.

How are Jay's fiddling skills?

Did people not get the reference, the devil went down to Georgia?

It's a phenomenal song.

What are you talking about? Oh, come on.

The devil went down to Georgia. He was looking for a soul to steal.

And he was in a bind because he was way behind and he was willing to make a

deal. When he came across a young man sawn on a fiddle and playing it hot. So

hopped up on a hickory stump and said, boy, let me tell you what.

What's going on? Are the ghosts concerned for me?

Uh -huh.

Fire of the mountain, run, boys, run.

Devil of the house and the rising sun.

Are you tapping your toe?

Why are you tapping your toe?

It's just a nervous tick.

We're all nervous, Jay.

Thank you, guys.

What's going on here?

Small man fixing ghost trap in quixotic bed to circumvent deal with devil.

If you're wondering about all the big words, Sam got a word of the day

and Thor's been following along.

Thor never skipped day. Thor very ambidextrous.

He doesn't always nail it.

Jay, I was thinking maybe we should start pureeing all your food. You know,

down on choking hazards while we're figuring out this whole Elias thing.

Wait, what are you doing?

Well, you know, I was thinking about what you said, and I can't keep worrying

about Elias trying to kill me, so I've come up with a plan. And it is nuts.

I got in touch with Giannis.

The Latvian ghost trap repairman. And he talked me through how to fix the ghost

trap. If I live, we're having pierogies with him and his mom next week.

Cool. Anyways, the plan is, if Elias kills me, in the few seconds I have

he drags my soul to hell, I'm just gonna touch the ghost trap and get sucked

right on in. So in this scenario, you're still dead, but instead of going to

hell, you're just stuck in a little box for eternity?

No, just until you guys figure out a way to extricate me from the devil's

bargain. Ask him about the tiny furniture.

It's crazy.

And the tiny doll furniture?

Well, I might be in there for a while, and I thought I might as well be

comfortable. It actually doesn't cost much to live a luxurious doll's life.

He's lost it.

Check this out.

Huh? You never let me have one of those in real big life.

I honestly can't tell what he's rooting for.

Jay, I've just got to be honest here. This seems like a terrible plan.

Well, it's the one to beat.

Sam Elias Woodstone is here in demon form, and he would like to talk to Jay.

Jay, Elias is here.

Okay, yeah.

It's just here what he has to say.

Wait, wait.

Now I'm ready.

And a turn of cookie.

That's genius.

Hey, there's my partner in crime.

If kissing were a crime, which it's not, although arson is, and we did almost

burn this place down.

You're damn right we did.

So, how are we planning to tell everyone about us?

Oh, I'd like to maximize jealousy, and ideally, it should involve me singing.

Well, I mean, I know it's not the same, but when Carol and I got engaged, we

announced it in the Kiwanis newsletter.

There'd been a float collision at the Rhubarb Days Parade, so most of the

announcements were pretty somber.

Oh, well, maybe we should just go downstairs and tell everyone the good

We could.

Although... Is it a little insensitive to put our happiness on display with all

Sam and Jay are going through?

That's partly based on some feedback I got after the rhubarb tragedy.

Sure, I get that. It's just, as far as everyone in the house is concerned, I

profess my love to you in front of everyone, and then you immediately fled

property. Oh, boy. Yeah, I didn't think about it that way.

Although, I mean, with all this Jay stuff going on, I doubt that's on

radar. Yeah, I guess you're right.

Leave the man alone, Alberta.

He's not interested.

I filled her in on the whole day of humiliation thing. We're friends now. We

walk. Well, Carol, if you must know, I can't take a hand.

Can't blame a girl for trying.

Is there anyone for her in the basement?

Creepy Dirk is newly single, but he's pretty picky.

I'll do a temp check.

I'm here to talk about the timeline of your death. Wait, what is that?

It's an air fryer. I'm looking for healthier ways to eat chicken nuggets.

Ah, at last we come face to face, Hellspawn.

Who is this little freak?

Patience just came in and is confronting Elias.

Seriously? I knew I was right when I sensed the devil's presence in this

And now it is my destiny to smite thee.

Oh, damn. It's about to go down.

She says she's going to smite him, Jay.

Say goodbye, demon.

What's happening?

Is she shooting lasers out of her eyes?

Are there flames?

Not exactly.

Smite! Smite! Smite!

Smite! Smite!

Is this your whole plan?

Just to yell smite? I mean, it does leave one wanting.

Patience, have you ever done this before?

Well, not exactly, but I just assumed on account of my holiness and his

wickedness. Patience, no need to feel ashamed. Very ambidextrous effort.

It didn't work, Jay.

Damn it.

I mean, yay, my publicist is saved.

That doesn't make any sense.

Patience! Patience!

Now, where were we?

Ah, yes. I am not here to kill you.

Okay. Could be trick.

I often tell Dane, not going to kill you. But then I do kill.

Very funny. I realized it was unsporting of me to take your soul before I made

good on my end of the bargain. I mean, you made a deal with the devil. You

should get something in return.

So, in exchange for Jay's soul, I promised to take him to new heights of

success, to put him and his restaurant on the map.

So how long exactly do I have left to live?

Gosh, I mean, a rise from obscurity to the top of the culinary heap could take

decades. Decades?

Okay, I can work with decades.

No, I was saying it could take decades if I were a less incredible publicist.

But I pulled some strings and worked my connections.

I secured you an appearance on...

Good Hang with Amy Poehler. Oh, that's actually a really big podcast.

Yeah. So what does this mean?

It means that I fulfilled my end of the deal. Oh, one more thing. It tapes

tomorrow, after which you die.

So make it a good hang, for it shall be your last hang.

I can't believe you married this guy.

cousins to choose from.

And the other one had weird teeth.

Big ol' bag of corp. This is bad.

We gotta come up with a plan to save Jay's life.

And three clever anecdotes for Jay to talk about on the podcast.

We've all heard the pasta story. That's not gonna cut it. Okay, here's what I'm

thinking. I fill a Ziploc bag full of water, put it in the ghost trap, and now

little Jay has a waterbed. Wait a minute. The ghost trap.

Yes, sweetie, that's what it's called.

No, I'm saying, what if we trick Elias into going inside it and hold him

until he lets Jay out of the deal? It's like what the cult did to get that radio

DJ to read Bruce's manifesto on air.

A good idea undermined by a disturbing example.

The ghosts are saying we should try to trap Elias in the ghost trap.

Interesting. Either he lets me out of the deal or we use the evisceration

function to destroy him.

But we can't trap a demon in a ghost trap. We need to get him back to ghost

form. Right.

How are we going to do that?

Jay, the Good Hang folks want to know what you'd like for lunch in the green

room tomorrow.

I don't know.

Big deal double Sonic Smasher, I guess. You're a chef, man.

What if I just refuse to go to the podcast?

Is that some kind of loophole?

Sadly, it's not. And honestly, it's just rude to pull her. Who is Lovely?

Speaking of Lovely, nice to see you again, Alberta.

Well, that must feel like a nice shot in the arm after the brutal public

rejection from Peter.

Still think you're a super lady.

Hey, Elias seems like he's really into Alberta.

Maybe we could use that to lure him in the ghost form.

What do you mean?

I'm just saying, if Elias were made to think he's got a shot with Bertie here,

he'd have to turn into a ghost to make a move.

You're suggesting a classic Hoboken honeypot.

And before anything happens, we make him come into contact with the ghost trap,

and boom, in he goes.

Sounds exciting. I'm in. Oh, Bertie's about to get flirty.

The ghosts are suggesting we have Alberta hit on Elias to get him back

ghost form.

Interesting. And her confidence isn't shot from that whole Pete debacle.

it. Send this man to hell.

She can do it, Jay. I certainly believe in her. Shut up, Pete.

Well, I've come to bid thee farewell.

Following my failed smiting, I am returning to the dirt where I shall live

eternity in shame.

Okay, bye. Nice seeing you.

Wait, wait, patience.

Are you okay?

I don't know.

For centuries, I've wondered why God hath abandoned me to this purgatory.

And then Elias came, and it all made sense.

I was kept here to defeat the devil.

I think I'm here to entertain others with my story.

I've ever told you about the time I found a weird apple?

make no sense.

A good and pure soul should be able to vanquish evil.

Well, maybe, and don't take this the wrong way, it's possible that your soul

isn't so pure.

Patience? It's true.

Patience spent much time saying others bad, but not much time doing good.

Oh, so you're saying patience talketh the talk, but don't walketh the walk.

Yes, yes.

Patience know what she need do.

Patience.

Now back to the Apple story.

It was a red, but it was a weird red.

No, he doesn't want something better. He wants Sonic.

A man who goes after what he wants.

I wonder if there's anything else he has his eyes on.

Excuse me?

It's just...

We don't get a lot of handsome strangers around here.

I'm sorry.

Is it hot in here?

I'm not the best judge. My condo is in the fiery pits of hell.

Ooh, a homeowner.

That's right.

When you're a demon, I can't touch you.

Oh, there's an easy fix for that.

Hello. Oh, my.

So you in ghost form now?

Indeed. I believe you were about to touch something.

No, you're about to touch something.

He's in, Jay.

What's going on?

You're in a ghost trap, Elias. And I just hit the evisceration button.

You have five minutes to release me from our deal or you're toast.

Now I'm going to wait for you to say something and have Sam tell me what you

said. Why is everyone screaming?

Who is that?

Who are you?

Oh, no.

Uh, Jay, I think we have a problem.

It seems as if Carol is also in the ghost trap.

Oh, crap.

Carol, what are you doing in there?

Well, I was in the kitchen sniffing baked goods, and Jay walked in with this

strange little box.

I tried to poke my head in to see what was inside.

Next thing you know, I'm in this weird little room.

Carol, I was holding the ghost trap for the last 20 minutes. Why didn't you yell

for help?

I must have fallen asleep.

There's this really comfortable chair in here.

Bark -a -lounger. Great. She would have been rescued, but she fell asleep in

your doll chair.

I would have been comfortable.

This is rich.

You thought you had me. Threatening to eviscerate me unless I release Jay's

soul? But you can't destroy me unless you destroy your precious Carol.

Well, I don't know about precious.

It's three minutes until evisceration. Can we stop the clock? Maybe we can just

hold them hostage for a while. The only way to stop the countdown is to let them

out. Or let them both, you know, poof.

Hedy. I am just talking it out. I mean, it would save Jay.

And it's Elias and Carol.

If we had to choose two ghosts to be eviscerated, would we be anywhere

right now, really?

All right, so Carol's not quite the bargaining chip I thought I'd lucked

but we all know you don't have it in you to eviscerate an innocent ghost.

Innocent is strong. She cuckolded Pete for years with his best friend. And then

she lied to him about his entire career, leaving him to believe he was a

legitimate travel agent when he was actually an unwitting front for the mob.

Some of those trips were real.

Although some, in retrospect, appear to have been assassinations.

You can also just kind of tell she voted for Nixon.

When you put it all together, she is kind of a bad person.

Jay, the ghosts are sort of implying that maybe it's okay if we sacrifice

Not all the ghosts.

Look, I know Carol is far from perfect, but deep down, way, way down, I know

there's good inside her.

I don't want to go to hell, but I signed that deal.

I can't do that to somebody else.

Even Carol.

You tricked me, Jay.

Not cool.

He went back down.

Okay, so maybe the danger's past?

Yes, I'm sure that's it.

Whoa! Jay's life ends now.

Elias, please, just... Silence!

Oh, my God!

He's got the Force!

Oh, my God, was that the Force? Not important right now, but did Pete say

something about the Force? Yes, Jay.

My man.

Look out!

Is Jay making light vapor sound?

It helps him focus. He's practiced this in the mirror. You're ready, Jay!

You've got this!

Your soul will soon be mine, Jay, and with it... My promotion from vice

president to senior vice president with shared assistant.

Just stop, Elias. Say goodbye, Samantha. Wait.

Would you accept another soul in his stead?

What happened, babe? Why did you stop trying to kill me?

I think Patience is volunteering to take your spot. No way. It's about time

Patience walketh the walk.

Cool. Let's make it official.

Oh, wow.

Wow, you can really feel the heat.

Um, it's, it's pretty toasty.

Patience. I'm so touched.

Yeah, I'm out.

This is just beyond generous of you. Seriously, I don't know how I'm ever

to reach you. Jay, she bailed.

Damn it, that feral little dirtball.

All right, Jay.

Time to die.

I'm scared, Sam.

I'm sorry I signed that contract. I give you my blessing to remarry after a

respectful seven years, as long as it's not to Kyle.

I hate Kyle.

I love you, Sam.

I love you, Jay.

Not as much as I do.

Elias, take me instead.

No!

Jay's my best friend. He's got his whole life to live.

Works for me.

Carol, what did you just do? Something I should have done a long time ago.

Done right by you.

Carol just sacrificed herself to save Pete, who also stepped up.

Oh, my God.

All right, I haven't had one since high school, but I need a cigarette.

Carol, you didn't have to do this.

You weren't a bad person.

We were just different.

Like donuts and donut holes.

How do you mean?

You know, because they come from different machines.

But it's all donut material.

No, I don't think so.

Okay, time to go.

Ta -ta.

Jay, you are officially free.

I was going to do it.

Some could say I sort of got the ball rolling.

Well, this is new.

No, no, no, no.

What's happening?

She was going down, but now she's getting sucked off.

This is incredible.

Bye, Pete.

Bye, everyone.

Tell Baxter I'll wait for him.

Yeah, right.

Thank you, Carol.

Her sacrifice must have been enough to cancel out going down.

Amazing. Wow, this must suck for you.

You were so close.

Kleiner, I love it.

This is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. Multiple ghosts just

to go to hell for you, sir.

Well, you had a tough week. I thought you deserved some relaxation.

I'm so glad I didn't lose you.

I'm glad Jay didn't go to hell, but I'll miss Isaac.

I'm right here.

Okay, well, if you're Isaac, then who's Doug?

There is no Doug.

We lost Doug?

No! Doug!

Everyone, we have an announcement.

Now that the danger has passed, we'd like to let you all know that Pete and I

finally mooched last week.

Oh, sick.

It's just like the doll version.

That is amazing.

It is amazing.

No, I'm talking to Pete in Alberta.

Apparently they kissed last week. Let me get this straight. You kissed Peter and

then he immediately volunteered to go to hell. No, that's not.

The two are unconnected.

I don't like this narrative.

Real Big Life is fixing to be a -okay.