Original subtitles

i think we just got off the phone with the publisher they want to tell your

story provided your story involves you being a vampire you gotta take risks

every now and then oh maybe i'm just attracted to the danger i'm the most

pious among us who experiences less joy than i who is more severe hi

i'm kyle kyle's dumb name well at least i'm alive oh i can see he goes he goes

Sometimes I even get to come to Earth as a living human.

You have not seen the last of me!

All right, let's go to the zoo.

No, I made that up. I just wanted to have a private conversation without the

ghosts hearing us. So no zoo?

Oh, man, I really wanted some dippin' dots.

Okay, big news.

The publisher just told me they want to have a big, fancy launch party for my

vampire book about Isaac next week. That's awesome.

Here's the thing, though. The party's in New York, so Isaac can't go.

She's going to be so bummed, which I can relate to as a man who thought he was

going to see tigers today.

Which is why I'm thinking we just don't tell the ghost about it.

But we need a cover story for why we're out of town that night.

Got it. The Knicks are giving me a tryout because they uncovered some of my

high school tapes.

Swish.

Seriously? I'm low on blood sugar, okay? This is why I need my dots.

Please, we're out already.

We got our jackets on.

They got a new baby hippo.

Okay, fine.

What's going on here?

Oh, Bail is taking headshots of Jay. He wants to be ready in case anyone ever

wants to write an article about his restaurant.

Does someone want to write an article about the restaurant? No.

Sadly, he's putting the cart before the horse. But what he should do is put the

horse into the pie, and then the articles will surely follow.

Just got back from the Windy City.

Hey.

Kyle and I went on a sausage tour. I spent the whole weekend smelling his

kielbasa. Who's Kyle?

What's a kielbasa?

Kyle's that guy who can see ghosts.

He was just here last week.

And kielbasa is a Polish -tubed meat.

You're hanging out with Kyle after you did Jay so dirty?

What? He apologized.

And the number of livings who can see ghosts who I can hang out with is very

limited. Oh, Sam, congratulations, by the way. Kyle tells me the publisher is

throwing you a big fancy book launch party in Manhattan.

What?

Pretty sure you're mistaken, Beat.

What? No. Kyle talked to Bela, and she told him.

Is that why you're going to New York? I thought it was for Jay's tryout with the

Knickerbockers. Jay, you told Bela about the launch party, and she told Kyle.

I told her off -property. I thought that was okay.

Bela, why are you talking to Kyle? You have a boyfriend.

What? It never hurts to have someone waiting in the wings.

Eric could get hit by a bus.

Oh, my God. She gonna push Eric in front of a bus.

Will someone please tell me what's going on?

Isaac, the publishing company is throwing a big launch party for the

didn't say anything because it's out of town and you can't go.

I didn't want you to feel left out. And yet... Left out, I feel, like Peter from

numerous school dances growing up, I assume. Hey.

Am I wrong? No.

I'm sorry, Isaac.

That makes two of us.

Well, that was one heck of a House Hunters International episode.

Although the post -mortem about how it was filmed before the hurricane did put

damper on things.

Well, I'm off. I'll see you ladies later.

What was that? What?

Did you just ogle Peter's posterior?

You saw that?

If this were a cartoon, your tongue would currently be unspooling across the

floor. Okay, fine.

I'm hot for Pete.

Ever since that night, he and I almost kissed.

First poem to Peter's revenge.

It's what we've all been calling it. I can't stop thinking about him. He's a

dorky travel agent with knobby knees, but now all I can see is this globe

-trotting bad boy who ain't afraid to show some leg.

I mean, Peter?

Really? With those high socks and silly wordplay? I had a dirty dream about him.

I made him keep his socks on.

Birdie. Promise me, you won't say anything to anyone.

No, no, no, you can trust me, Albert.

My son murdered someone. I kept that secret for a hundred years. I know. It

me. Perhaps you aren't the best audience for that particular anecdote, but it

does prove my point.

Your shameful secret is safe with me.

Isaac, I really do feel bad about the book launch party, so I convinced them

do the party here instead.

Surprise!

What? No one's ever surprised me before.

Except the British at White Plains, which I definitely repelled with a

surrender. But never anything like this.

I just called the publisher and explained that I had crippling

which I was able to back up with a note from my therapist. Thank you, Thor.

You're welcome. Glad that Thor eating best friend.

Some small way to help you move party.

But Samantha, it will still be well attended up here, yes?

I mean, I'm thrilled to participate, but I wouldn't want to change a venue to

compromise the success of the event.

Don't worry, Isaac. Everyone is still coming. All the tastemakers, all the

buyers from the big booksellers. Trust me, it's going to be awesome. Of course

it is. I mean, the place is looking great.

It's going to be fun. And who doesn't like fun?

Uh, guys?

We got company.

Oh, hey, Patience.

I smell the devil's presence.

Okay.

Yes. Yes.

Evil is near.

I shall snuff it out.

Patience!

Nice to see you, too.

Who is this lady?

Our editor.

She's the best.

Most of her notes concern things Samantha insisted upon. She generally

my stuff.

Are you sure you don't want us to throw up some cobwebs or some spooky stuff? I

mean, it is a vampire novel.

Yeah, but this isn't Comic -Con. Yeah, Jay, it isn't Comic -Con. It may be a YA

genre novel, but we're hosting New York's literary elite tonight, and they

respond well to gimmicks. That's the tone Sharon uses when she's called

for a stray comma, and she uses a lot of them.

Check out this poster.

Isaac wishes.

That vampire would certainly clean up with the ladies. Kind of like this guy

recently. Oh, jeez, I hope it goes well tonight. I mean, all these VIPs that

could make or break the book.

Apparently, there's a lady coming who has three million followers.

Wow. Bruce only had 32 followers.

How big is her yurt?

The evil is close. Oh, my God. I can sense it.

Patience. So good to see you.

How are things in the dirt?

What's going on here?

Oh, they're setting up for a book launch party. Isaac and Sam wrote a vampire

novel. What is a vampire?

It's an undead creature that sucks blood and drains the life force out of

people. This party is to celebrate the undead?

That sounds demonic.

I mean, we're ghosts, so maybe don't throw stones.

Hey, guys!

What's she doing here?

What's going on?

I'm talking to the ghosts, and I brought you over so I don't look crazy. But

there's a Puritan here who lives in the dirt and has a history of ruining

events. Something brought me from the dirt today.

A presence, most evil.

And now that I'm here, I fear it is this most unholy event for which you are

preparing. Oh, no, this is just a book party.

There's not going to be anything unholy happening here. You guys got to try

these deviled eggs.

And no, they're sprinkled with the blood of the innocent.

Pretty sure that's just paprika.

Listen, Patience... Patience is here? She's not going to do the wall blood

thing, is she?

Wall blood thing? That is exactly what I intend to do.

This occult gathering shall not occur.

Wait, no.

You're right.

The party totally has satanic undertones that I just didn't see. But thank you

for bringing them to our attention. We are going to call the whole thing off

right now. Wait, we are?

Yes. Patience is heartened that you have canceled your event, and yet I still

sense a strong force of evil about.

Perhaps I shall remain, lest the evil show itself.

Uh, you know, maybe the evil you're sensing is back at the house.

Really? Yeah, yeah, I've been getting strong evil vibes from the mansion

You know, it would be great to have an expert come check it out, maybe do a

sweep. I suppose I could investigate.

Thank you.

You're a lifesaver.

Patience will not fail you. Cool.

Hey, I... Oh, yes. That woman's about to eat the devil's egg. She will carry his

spong.

What the... Sorry, I saw some shell in there.

Another soul saved.

Was he making puns in the dirty dream? I said I don't want to discuss it

anymore. But yes, there was a lot of talk about his arrow.

Greetings. Oh, God, what's she doing here?

I mean... Hey, girl.

So, guys, Patience showed up at the book launch and helpfully identified the

proceedings as evil. So, with that taken care of, we thought maybe Patience

could help expose and clean up any evil here in the house, away from the

barn. Oh, yeah.

You know, now that you mention it, that, uh, face seems pretty evil. Oh, yeah,

yeah, yeah.

Now... No, I'm not sensing the devil's hand at play in that vase.

Okay, yeah, but that, oh, yeah, that thing screams evil. I mean, look at it.

No, it is just a toy.

It seems nothing in this house requires my righteous intervention.

Perhaps I should return to the barn to ensure the devilish mirth has fully

ceased.

Alberta's been having impure thoughts about Peter. What the hell, Eddie? Wait,

what? What?

He's been obsessed since she tried to kiss him and he facepalmed her. And it

just, it seems really sinful and perhaps something that you could help smite.

He facepalmed you?

Oh, my God, this is a nightmare.

There is something we can do that shall rid you of this evil.

I'm good.

Alberta, patience is willing to help you here in the house, no matter how long

that may take.

Fine. Hallelujah!

But not too excited, for to be so is a sin.

I can't believe patience.

What did I ever do to her?

Well, you did sneeze and let go of her hand, abandoning her to the dirt for

a century. That feral Puritan almost ruined my book's chances of becoming a

bestseller and, with the grace of God, a lavish Broadway musical.

I wonder if Samantha could get the Tonys relocated to this barn.

Patience crazy.

She'd find evil in things as innocent as picnic or orgy.

Point is, sometimes things just good, clean fun.

Right? There's nothing evil going on here.

So, what part of the city do you live in?

Hell's Kitchen.

Alberta,

are you ready to confess in detail all your most impure thoughts regarding

Peter? Yep, let's get this over with.

But do these two really need to be here? It's not a day of humiliation without

witnesses. A day of what?

Come in, everyone. It's time.

Come in. That's it. That's it. Make sure you can see. She can't feel your

judgment if she can't see you. Seriously?

You want me to spill my guts in front of Creepy Dark?

Why am I being singled out?

He's actually quite an empathetic listener.

In the Puritan community, we believed that the surest way to rid oneself of

impure urges was to declare them publicly.

All right, let's do it.

Let her rip.

Okay, um... Ah, Scrooge, what the hell?

I've had lustful thoughts about Pete.

And I can't seem to stop them.

I thought it started a couple weeks ago when I saw this different side of him.

This bad boy side.

But the truth is, maybe these feelings have always been there, and I just

want to see them.

When I first met him, I thought he was nice.

But maybe too nice.

Never the top guy I would ever go for, so I kept him at arm's length.

But maybe all I was really denying was myself.

Because I'm starting to think a guy like Pete is exactly what I need.

But I blew it.

I waited until he had a girlfriend before I took my shot, so I guess shame

me.

Shame on you.

Shame!

Shame!

Everyone?

Shame!

Shame!

Shame!

Oh, my God, Kyle, get this. The ghost brought this, like, Puritan lady back to

the house to distract her so she won't ruin the book launch party.

I just came by the house to grab something, but I'm heading back there

No, no, no, they told her they canceled the party for them. They just, like,

went ahead with it.

hath been tricked.

Uh -oh.

Patience will not stand for this.

Patience!

Wait!

I've had impure thoughts about Catherine.

Don't do this, Stuart.

Keep going, Samantha.

They're loving this excerpt you're reading.

Isaac and his fellow patriots crept onto the vessel under cover of darkness.

The Boston Blood Party was about to begin.

No exsanguination without representation, shouted Captain

Redcoats, who howled impotently at the moon.

So we're the werewolves? I'm having trouble following.

Oh, crap.

Said... Captain Higgintooth, he heaved his barrel into the bay.

We tried to stop her, Samantha.

If you won't put an end to this demonic gathering, then I shall.

where does the blood come from? Don't ask that question.

There are no good answers.

Huzzah!

Yes, Ben!

Thank you!

Thank you so much!

Lancer? Oh, Alberta, hey!

I was just smelling a block of cheese.

How'd you know it was me? I recognize one of your foot sores.

Oh, yeah. That's a distinctive one. Thank you. Have you seen Pete anywhere?

Yeah. I think he fled the property.

What? It was right after your day of humiliation speech. He said something

having to get out of here, and then he just booked it. Those little twigs can

move fast.

Oh, my God.

I scared him away.

It was pretty intense.

Not defending the guy, but you laid a lot on him.

I'm such an idiot.

This is what you get for being vulnerable.

Okay.

There, there.

Sorry, I'm not the greatest in situations like these.

You know who you should talk to.

Creepy Dirk.

He's a very empathetic listener.

To Isaac Higgintooth, colonial vampire.

May the sales of this book begin to remotely offset the amount of money

lost on ghosts.

Proud of you, babe.

Thank you, sweetie.

And thank you, Samantha.

Let the world be the crowd reacting to our words.

Mostly my words, but you did type them.

Jay, can you believe we're here in your restaurant celebrating my book?

We have come a long way. I know, like we've had our ups and downs, but it's

feeling like everything's starting to click for us.

Hi. Just wanted to say great party.

The book looks really fun. Thank you. I'm Sam. This is my husband, Jay. He's

actually the man I came over here to talk to. Jillian Klein, food editor, New

York mag.

Just wanted to say the food tonight was outstanding.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

We've actually been talking about Mahesh in some of our internals.

Anyway, we'd love to do a cover story on you and the restaurant, if you're

interested. That's amazing.

This is literally like my dream. How do you even know about the restaurant?

Well, to be honest, it wasn't really on our radar, being all the way out here.

But your publicist, he made a really persuasive case.

And he was right.

Let's be in touch.

Okay.

Did you sign with a publicist? Yeah, I didn't want to tell you because I was

embarrassed. But then I thought, what the hell?

Hello, Jay.

Oh!

Speak of the devil, here he is now.

Oh, my God.

What's wrong, babe? This is Elias Woodstone.

What? No, this is Brent, my publicist.

No, this is... This is Hedy's husband, who was also a ghost that went to hell,

but now apparently has taken human form?

He got a promotion in hell, and now he composes a living to reap souls.

He told us a few weeks ago when he popped by.

In retrospect, we probably should have.

Mention something.

You think?

What is going on? Your wife is correct, actually. Although you know me as Brent

McAfee, a hard -working publicist, I am, in fact, Elias Woodstone, an emissary

for the devil.

No. When you signed the contract to hire me, in exchange for making your dreams

come true, I secured your soul for Satan.

Seriously? Jay, you have to read the fine print.

I told you all I would not rest until I reaped a soul from this house.

Oh, I wonder if this is the evil Patience was sensing.

The little dirt troll was right all along.

So what does this mean, Elias? When Jay dies, is he going to hell?

Exactly. By the way, you're welcome for the cover story. And it's looking good

for an appearance on Kelly Clarkson.

What? No, I want out. Forget the cover story. I want my soul.

Hmm. Unfortunately, what's done is done.

What's important for you is to relax and enjoy what little time you have left to

live. What do you mean, little time? I'm still young.

I'm in good shape.

Not sure that's true. I'm mostly sonic at this point.

Well, you are young, but we have ways of speeding things along.

Look out!

Rats. Thought I'd get them on the first try.

Oh, well.

See you soon.

I'll get you a quote on that.

Alberta.

Pete, uh -uh. I'm gonna stop you right there.

All that stuff I said before, I was just going along with it to distract

patients. I didn't really mean any of it, so we could just forget it. I don't

want to forget it.

I want to talk about it.

Pete, you literally fled the property.

You've been gone for two days.

So let's just move on. The reason I left was because I had to go talk to Donna.

To tell her that I can't see her anymore because there's something I have to do.

What?

This.

Oh, my.

Lip strength.

That's from my oboe days.

So, what did I miss while I was gone?

Well, a couple things.