All language subtitles for Ghosts 04x22 The Devil Went Down to Woodstone [2025-05-08 20-31] uswcbs HQ

i think we just got off the phone with
the publisher they want to tell your

story provided your story involves you
being a vampire you gotta take risks

every now and then oh maybe i'm just
attracted to the danger i'm the most

pious among us who experiences less joy
than i who is more severe hi

i'm kyle kyle's dumb name well at least
i'm alive oh i can see he goes he goes

Sometimes I even get to come to Earth as
a living human.

You have not seen the last of me!

All right, let's go to the zoo.

No, I made that up. I just wanted to
have a private conversation without the

ghosts hearing us. So no zoo?

Oh, man, I really wanted some dippin'
dots.

Okay, big news.

The publisher just told me they want to
have a big, fancy launch party for my

vampire book about Isaac next week.
That's awesome.

Here's the thing, though. The party's in
New York, so Isaac can't go.

She's going to be so bummed, which I can
relate to as a man who thought he was

going to see tigers today.

Which is why I'm thinking we just don't
tell the ghost about it.

But we need a cover story for why we're
out of town that night.

Got it. The Knicks are giving me a
tryout because they uncovered some of my

high school tapes.

Swish.

Seriously? I'm low on blood sugar, okay?
This is why I need my dots.

Please, we're out already.

We got our jackets on.

They got a new baby hippo.

Okay, fine.

What's going on here?

Oh, Bail is taking headshots of Jay. He
wants to be ready in case anyone ever

wants to write an article about his
restaurant.

Does someone want to write an article
about the restaurant? No.

Sadly, he's putting the cart before the
horse. But what he should do is put the

horse into the pie, and then the
articles will surely follow.

Just got back from the Windy City.

Hey.

Kyle and I went on a sausage tour. I
spent the whole weekend smelling his

kielbasa. Who's Kyle?

What's a kielbasa?

Kyle's that guy who can see ghosts.

He was just here last week.

And kielbasa is a Polish -tubed meat.

You're hanging out with Kyle after you
did Jay so dirty?

What? He apologized.

And the number of livings who can see
ghosts who I can hang out with is very

limited. Oh, Sam, congratulations, by
the way. Kyle tells me the publisher is

throwing you a big fancy book launch
party in Manhattan.

What?

Pretty sure you're mistaken, Beat.

What? No. Kyle talked to Bela, and she
told him.

Is that why you're going to New York? I
thought it was for Jay's tryout with the

Knickerbockers. Jay, you told Bela about
the launch party, and she told Kyle.

I told her off -property. I thought that
was okay.

Bela, why are you talking to Kyle? You
have a boyfriend.

What? It never hurts to have someone
waiting in the wings.

Eric could get hit by a bus.

Oh, my God. She gonna push Eric in front
of a bus.

Will someone please tell me what's going
on?

Isaac, the publishing company is
throwing a big launch party for the

didn't say anything because it's out of
town and you can't go.

I didn't want you to feel left out. And
yet... Left out, I feel, like Peter from

numerous school dances growing up, I
assume. Hey.

Am I wrong? No.

I'm sorry, Isaac.

That makes two of us.

Well, that was one heck of a House
Hunters International episode.

Although the post -mortem about how it
was filmed before the hurricane did put

damper on things.

Well, I'm off. I'll see you ladies
later.

What was that? What?

Did you just ogle Peter's posterior?

You saw that?

If this were a cartoon, your tongue
would currently be unspooling across the

floor. Okay, fine.

I'm hot for Pete.

Ever since that night, he and I almost
kissed.

First poem to Peter's revenge.

It's what we've all been calling it. I
can't stop thinking about him. He's a

dorky travel agent with knobby knees,
but now all I can see is this globe

-trotting bad boy who ain't afraid to
show some leg.

I mean, Peter?

Really? With those high socks and silly
wordplay? I had a dirty dream about him.

I made him keep his socks on.

Birdie. Promise me, you won't say
anything to anyone.

No, no, no, you can trust me, Albert.

My son murdered someone. I kept that
secret for a hundred years. I know. It

me. Perhaps you aren't the best audience
for that particular anecdote, but it

does prove my point.

Your shameful secret is safe with me.

Isaac, I really do feel bad about the
book launch party, so I convinced them

do the party here instead.

Surprise!

What? No one's ever surprised me before.

Except the British at White Plains,
which I definitely repelled with a

surrender. But never anything like this.

I just called the publisher and
explained that I had crippling

which I was able to back up with a note
from my therapist. Thank you, Thor.

You're welcome. Glad that Thor eating
best friend.

Some small way to help you move party.

But Samantha, it will still be well
attended up here, yes?

I mean, I'm thrilled to participate, but
I wouldn't want to change a venue to

compromise the success of the event.

Don't worry, Isaac. Everyone is still
coming. All the tastemakers, all the

buyers from the big booksellers. Trust
me, it's going to be awesome. Of course

it is. I mean, the place is looking
great.

It's going to be fun. And who doesn't
like fun?

Uh, guys?

We got company.

Oh, hey, Patience.

I smell the devil's presence.

Okay.

Yes. Yes.

Evil is near.

I shall snuff it out.

Patience!

Nice to see you, too.

Who is this lady?

Our editor.

She's the best.

Most of her notes concern things
Samantha insisted upon. She generally

my stuff.

Are you sure you don't want us to throw
up some cobwebs or some spooky stuff? I

mean, it is a vampire novel.

Yeah, but this isn't Comic -Con. Yeah,
Jay, it isn't Comic -Con. It may be a YA

genre novel, but we're hosting New
York's literary elite tonight, and they

respond well to gimmicks. That's the
tone Sharon uses when she's called

for a stray comma, and she uses a lot of
them.

Check out this poster.

Isaac wishes.

That vampire would certainly clean up
with the ladies. Kind of like this guy

recently. Oh, jeez, I hope it goes well
tonight. I mean, all these VIPs that

could make or break the book.

Apparently, there's a lady coming who
has three million followers.

Wow. Bruce only had 32 followers.

How big is her yurt?

The evil is close. Oh, my God. I can
sense it.

Patience. So good to see you.

How are things in the dirt?

What's going on here?

Oh, they're setting up for a book launch
party. Isaac and Sam wrote a vampire

novel. What is a vampire?

It's an undead creature that sucks blood
and drains the life force out of

people. This party is to celebrate the
undead?

That sounds demonic.

I mean, we're ghosts, so maybe don't
throw stones.

Hey, guys!

What's she doing here?

What's going on?

I'm talking to the ghosts, and I brought
you over so I don't look crazy. But

there's a Puritan here who lives in the
dirt and has a history of ruining

events. Something brought me from the
dirt today.

A presence, most evil.

And now that I'm here, I fear it is this
most unholy event for which you are

preparing. Oh, no, this is just a book
party.

There's not going to be anything unholy
happening here. You guys got to try

these deviled eggs.

And no, they're sprinkled with the blood
of the innocent.

Pretty sure that's just paprika.

Listen, Patience... Patience is here?
She's not going to do the wall blood

thing, is she?

Wall blood thing? That is exactly what I
intend to do.

This occult gathering shall not occur.

Wait, no.

You're right.

The party totally has satanic undertones
that I just didn't see. But thank you

for bringing them to our attention. We
are going to call the whole thing off

right now. Wait, we are?

Yes. Patience is heartened that you have
canceled your event, and yet I still

sense a strong force of evil about.

Perhaps I shall remain, lest the evil
show itself.

Uh, you know, maybe the evil you're
sensing is back at the house.

Really? Yeah, yeah, I've been getting
strong evil vibes from the mansion

You know, it would be great to have an
expert come check it out, maybe do a

sweep. I suppose I could investigate.

Thank you.

You're a lifesaver.

Patience will not fail you. Cool.

Hey, I... Oh, yes. That woman's about to
eat the devil's egg. She will carry his

spong.

What the... Sorry, I saw some shell in
there.

Another soul saved.

Was he making puns in the dirty dream? I
said I don't want to discuss it

anymore. But yes, there was a lot of
talk about his arrow.

Greetings. Oh, God, what's she doing
here?

I mean... Hey, girl.

So, guys, Patience showed up at the book
launch and helpfully identified the

proceedings as evil. So, with that taken
care of, we thought maybe Patience

could help expose and clean up any evil
here in the house, away from the

barn. Oh, yeah.

You know, now that you mention it, that,
uh, face seems pretty evil. Oh, yeah,

yeah, yeah.

Now... No, I'm not sensing the devil's
hand at play in that vase.

Okay, yeah, but that, oh, yeah, that
thing screams evil. I mean, look at it.

No, it is just a toy.

It seems nothing in this house requires
my righteous intervention.

Perhaps I should return to the barn to
ensure the devilish mirth has fully

ceased.

Alberta's been having impure thoughts
about Peter. What the hell, Eddie? Wait,

what? What?

He's been obsessed since she tried to
kiss him and he facepalmed her. And it

just, it seems really sinful and perhaps
something that you could help smite.

He facepalmed you?

Oh, my God, this is a nightmare.

There is something we can do that shall
rid you of this evil.

I'm good.

Alberta, patience is willing to help you
here in the house, no matter how long

that may take.

Fine. Hallelujah!

But not too excited, for to be so is a
sin.

I can't believe patience.

What did I ever do to her?

Well, you did sneeze and let go of her
hand, abandoning her to the dirt for

a century. That feral Puritan almost
ruined my book's chances of becoming a

bestseller and, with the grace of God, a
lavish Broadway musical.

I wonder if Samantha could get the Tonys
relocated to this barn.

Patience crazy.

She'd find evil in things as innocent as
picnic or orgy.

Point is, sometimes things just good,
clean fun.

Right? There's nothing evil going on
here.

So, what part of the city do you live
in?

Hell's Kitchen.

Alberta,

are you ready to confess in detail all
your most impure thoughts regarding

Peter? Yep, let's get this over with.

But do these two really need to be here?
It's not a day of humiliation without

witnesses. A day of what?

Come in, everyone. It's time.

Come in. That's it. That's it. Make sure
you can see. She can't feel your

judgment if she can't see you.
Seriously?

You want me to spill my guts in front of
Creepy Dark?

Why am I being singled out?

He's actually quite an empathetic
listener.

In the Puritan community, we believed
that the surest way to rid oneself of

impure urges was to declare them
publicly.

All right, let's do it.

Let her rip.

Okay, um... Ah, Scrooge, what the hell?

I've had lustful thoughts about Pete.

And I can't seem to stop them.

I thought it started a couple weeks ago
when I saw this different side of him.

This bad boy side.

But the truth is, maybe these feelings
have always been there, and I just

want to see them.

When I first met him, I thought he was
nice.

But maybe too nice.

Never the top guy I would ever go for,
so I kept him at arm's length.

But maybe all I was really denying was
myself.

Because I'm starting to think a guy like
Pete is exactly what I need.

But I blew it.

I waited until he had a girlfriend
before I took my shot, so I guess shame

me.

Shame on you.

Shame!

Shame!

Everyone?

Shame!

Shame!

Shame!

Oh, my God, Kyle, get this. The ghost
brought this, like, Puritan lady back to

the house to distract her so she won't
ruin the book launch party.

I just came by the house to grab
something, but I'm heading back there

No, no, no, they told her they canceled
the party for them. They just, like,

went ahead with it.

hath been tricked.

Uh -oh.

Patience will not stand for this.

Patience!

Wait!

I've had impure thoughts about
Catherine.

Don't do this, Stuart.

Keep going, Samantha.

They're loving this excerpt you're
reading.

Isaac and his fellow patriots crept onto
the vessel under cover of darkness.

The Boston Blood Party was about to
begin.

No exsanguination without
representation, shouted Captain

Redcoats, who howled impotently at the
moon.

So we're the werewolves? I'm having
trouble following.

Oh, crap.

Said... Captain Higgintooth, he heaved
his barrel into the bay.

We tried to stop her, Samantha.

If you won't put an end to this demonic
gathering, then I shall.

where does the blood come from? Don't
ask that question.

There are no good answers.

Huzzah!

Yes, Ben!

Thank you!

Thank you so much!

Lancer? Oh, Alberta, hey!

I was just smelling a block of cheese.

How'd you know it was me? I recognize
one of your foot sores.

Oh, yeah. That's a distinctive one.
Thank you. Have you seen Pete anywhere?

Yeah. I think he fled the property.

What? It was right after your day of
humiliation speech. He said something

having to get out of here, and then he
just booked it. Those little twigs can

move fast.

Oh, my God.

I scared him away.

It was pretty intense.

Not defending the guy, but you laid a
lot on him.

I'm such an idiot.

This is what you get for being
vulnerable.

Okay.

There, there.

Sorry, I'm not the greatest in
situations like these.

You know who you should talk to.

Creepy Dirk.

He's a very empathetic listener.

To Isaac Higgintooth, colonial vampire.

May the sales of this book begin to
remotely offset the amount of money

lost on ghosts.

Proud of you, babe.

Thank you, sweetie.

And thank you, Samantha.

Let the world be the crowd reacting to
our words.

Mostly my words, but you did type them.

Jay, can you believe we're here in your
restaurant celebrating my book?

We have come a long way. I know, like
we've had our ups and downs, but it's

feeling like everything's starting to
click for us.

Hi. Just wanted to say great party.

The book looks really fun. Thank you.
I'm Sam. This is my husband, Jay. He's

actually the man I came over here to
talk to. Jillian Klein, food editor, New

York mag.

Just wanted to say the food tonight was
outstanding.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

We've actually been talking about Mahesh
in some of our internals.

Anyway, we'd love to do a cover story on
you and the restaurant, if you're

interested. That's amazing.

This is literally like my dream. How do
you even know about the restaurant?

Well, to be honest, it wasn't really on
our radar, being all the way out here.

But your publicist, he made a really
persuasive case.

And he was right.

Let's be in touch.

Okay.

Did you sign with a publicist? Yeah, I
didn't want to tell you because I was

embarrassed. But then I thought, what
the hell?

Hello, Jay.

Oh!

Speak of the devil, here he is now.

Oh, my God.

What's wrong, babe? This is Elias
Woodstone.

What? No, this is Brent, my publicist.

No, this is... This is Hedy's husband,
who was also a ghost that went to hell,

but now apparently has taken human form?

He got a promotion in hell, and now he
composes a living to reap souls.

He told us a few weeks ago when he
popped by.

In retrospect, we probably should have.

Mention something.

You think?

What is going on? Your wife is correct,
actually. Although you know me as Brent

McAfee, a hard -working publicist, I am,
in fact, Elias Woodstone, an emissary

for the devil.

No. When you signed the contract to hire
me, in exchange for making your dreams

come true, I secured your soul for
Satan.

Seriously? Jay, you have to read the
fine print.

I told you all I would not rest until I
reaped a soul from this house.

Oh, I wonder if this is the evil
Patience was sensing.

The little dirt troll was right all
along.

So what does this mean, Elias? When Jay
dies, is he going to hell?

Exactly. By the way, you're welcome for
the cover story. And it's looking good

for an appearance on Kelly Clarkson.

What? No, I want out. Forget the cover
story. I want my soul.

Hmm. Unfortunately, what's done is done.

What's important for you is to relax and
enjoy what little time you have left to

live. What do you mean, little time? I'm
still young.

I'm in good shape.

Not sure that's true. I'm mostly sonic
at this point.

Well, you are young, but we have ways of
speeding things along.

Look out!

Rats. Thought I'd get them on the first
try.

Oh, well.

See you soon.

I'll get you a quote on that.

Alberta.

Pete, uh -uh. I'm gonna stop you right
there.

All that stuff I said before, I was just
going along with it to distract

patients. I didn't really mean any of
it, so we could just forget it. I don't

want to forget it.

I want to talk about it.

Pete, you literally fled the property.

You've been gone for two days.

So let's just move on. The reason I left
was because I had to go talk to Donna.

To tell her that I can't see her anymore
because there's something I have to do.

What?

This.

Oh, my.

Lip strength.

That's from my oboe days.

So, what did I miss while I was gone?

Well, a couple things.