Original subtitles

Uh, poutine.

Gravy and cheese curds on fries.

Sounds nuts, but you can't argue with the smell.

I know you can't hear me, but I'm going to pretend you laughed affably.

Tomcat!

Tomcat! Uh, oh, is that 34?

Yes. Smoked meat.

Oh, I was hoping someone would get smoked meat. Let me get right in there.

Okay, could you not... You can see me?

Yes, I can see ghosts. Now, have a good day.

Oh, sure. I'm just going to let that drop. Are you kidding me? We're going to

talk about this.

Not if I leave the property.

Oh, I've got news for you, Smokey.

Because of your smoked meat. Hold on. Come back.

So we just sit here and wait for that branch to fall?

There have been some close calls over the last decade.

I think we're one fat squirrel away from that thing coming down.

That's cool.

I saw the parson on last week.

Oh, hey, look at you two lovebirds.

You guys do it yet?

Excuse me? Sorry, it's just we're betting on this in the basement. In

got a parlay going where if you guys boink and that branch falls before next

week, I get 10 ,000 back rubs. So, you know, think horny.

We'll keep that in mind. Thank you.

I'm so sorry about her. Well, her dialogue could use a little polish, but

she's got a point.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

I'm saying maybe tonight's the night.

Oh.

And just to be clear, you're not talking about the branch.

Oh, Seth.

You don't get to be a 500 -year -old virgin by picking up on clues, okay? I

things spelled out.

I just don't get it. Why aren't people coming back to the restaurant? Well,

there was a lot of bad publicity because of what happened.

That's crazy.

I mean, by lightning strike rules, there's no restaurant on Earth less

have a stripper crash through the roof now.

It's very rude to mention lightning.

Too soon, small man.

Hey, guys.

Uh, Sam. I was just outside, and there seems to be a living about to come in.

I don't know. Maybe he's a customer. I don't know anything about him.

Hi. I'm Kyle.

Hi, Kyle. Welcome to Woodstone.

Kyle's a dumb name.

Well, it matches his dumb back purse.

Yeah, well, at least I'm alive.

Sorry.

I... Pete wanted me to do this thing where I pretend like I can't see ghosts,

but... I can see ghosts. You can see ghosts.

Wait, what?

Seriously? Oh, yeah. I totally got you guys. You should see the look on your

faces. This is incredible.

Oh, it's another freak.

Like Sam, but bad.

Bad Sam.

I actually like your back purse. I was just piling on. There's a lot of

for me to maintain my reputation as the funny one.

I thought I was funny one.

Oh, raise your hand if you've been paid to do improv at a Sheraton. Oh, wait.

That's just me.

And when I woke up from my coma, I could see ghosts. How about you?

I was on a roller coaster, and a giant bird hit me in the face.

Oh, my God. You got Fabio'd.

What is Fabio? He's this model who was on the cover of a bunch of romance

novels, and he famously got hit in the face with a goose.

It is so nice to have somebody else who can answer ghost questions. I know. It's

so cool to meet somebody who actually knows what I'm going through.

I saw the ghost once.

That's cool, man. But then I didn't anymore.

It was just for an afternoon.

And then I became a zombie.

Oh, Jay.

He so desperately wants to be a part of this.

So, Peter, where does this scrumptious fellow live?

Oh, you can just talk directly to me.

What? Ghost thing.

Mad Sam and Sam Sam say same thing.

But to answer your question, Hattie, I kind of just bounce around.

It's really hard to hold on to a job when I have to keep pretending like I

see ghosts. Which is what he was doing during our famous meet cute, our smoked

meet cute.

When we met, I was smelling his meat.

Oh. He says a lot of stuff like that.

That's happening? He says a lot of stuff like that.

What is it? Why are you guys laughing?

See?

So,

Jones said tonight is the night.

Yep, and she wasn't talking about the branch. I clarified.

Oh, it's so on. Are you so excited, Seth?

I mean, yeah, I'm a little nervous.

Why? Just because you're the oldest virgin in human history?

Or is it because she's a roamer and has likely had her choice of history's

greatest lovers?

You guys are not helping. Look, Seth, you have nothing to worry about.

Joan's crazy about you.

And you're going to be, what, one of four or five people there? You don't

to do everything.

Just follow their lead.

What? No, it's just going to be Joan and me.

Yikes.

You better bring it, man.

Oh, Alberta. Hi.

Got back from the old trip.

Nice hat.

Don't make it weird, Pete.

Are you referring to how you tried to kiss him and he facepalmed you? Yes,

Eddie. Which must be especially painful given that not long ago you were the one

doing the facepalming and Peter was the sad recipient.

I don't think Alberta has anything to be embarrassed about, okay? I'm just

dating someone now. But I think you are a swell gal and a neat friend who any

guy would be lucky to... Oh, please, God. Take me up, take me down. Just get

the hell out of here.

I just met that Kyle guy.

Pretty crazy, but he can see ghosts, too.

Yeah. And you're cool with him being around?

Yeah, I mean, what do you mean?

Well, you know, hot guy.

You think he's hot?

Jay, don't be dumb. You cannot deny that those are stable boy cheekbones.

Yeah, he's attractive. But more importantly, he and your wife have this

connection that seems pretty rare.

So? Look, I don't think Sam would ever cheat on you, but none of my boyfriends

ever thought I would cheat on them. And yet I did.

This story ain't helping.

Look, Bela, I trust Sam. Yes, they have a unique connection, and his hair's

cool, but you know what truth is? I'm just happy that she has someone else to

talk to who has this ability.

See, my guy Jay is a sweetie.

I think it's good for her, and I don't want to come off like some jealous

husband. Besides, he's only here for one night. And then Kyle and I are off to

Chicago, where he has promised to let me inhale his kielbasa.

Gee.

Faith palmed you.

That's a really healthy attitude, Jay.

Hey, you guys, you remember how our last assistant got scared and ran away

because he thought we had ghosts? I remember how he was correct and the gas

him to hell.

Well, you know who wouldn't have had that problem?

Kyle!

So I've hired him as our new assistant.

Oh, neat.

I mean, it's great. Not only will he be helpful with things around the hotel,

but he can also help out with, like, ghost stuff.

We are a handful.

I'm really excited.

Thank you.

So you can make him do anything.

Ask him to rub down a horse.

Again, I can hear and see you.

Well, then it's all out on the table, Kyle.

So go grab a brush and get horsing.

And that is our reservation system.

Seems pretty straightforward.

What makes it really easy is they almost never have guests.

Anyway, next let's talk about your ghost -related duties.

Right. They've been filling me in a little.

Turning on the TV, opening the shouting window so that Thor can yell at his son.

Also, going to the supermarket to buy magazines with Momoa content.

That's the stuff Samantha's been doing in her spare time.

But now that we have a dedicated servant, we have other demands.

The special projects.

You're not getting a puppy. But Kyle will take care of it. He works for us.

also have an idea for an aroma we would like you to maintain.

Yes, right.

What do you mean maintain? Like a candle?

A perpetually just out of the microwave hot pocket? Some are calling it the

Eterna Pocket.

But how would it constantly be just out of the microwave?

Because, Kyle, every five minutes you shall prepare a fresh one. We, the

demand pepperoni. Or, if it's sold out, broccoli chicken cheddar.

Good luck, Kyle.

You must be the... new living who could see ghosts. Yeah, hi, Kyle. I'm Nancy. I

died of cholera. Oh, but the open sores, those aren't usually a symptom. I've

come across a few cholera ghosts before.

Oh.

Sweet of you to notice, Kyle.

Oh, is that a basement ghost?

You talking to a basement ghost?

I know about that. Yeah, Nancy walked in.

What we think happened was that there was a concurrent outbreak of a flesh

-eating bacteria.

See, the pest house was sort of a melange of disease.

It does have colorful anecdotes. Have you ever noticed how the goats are,

obsessed with their death? Oh, my God. I know, right?

Constantly working it in. It's like, how was your morning? Let me tell you about

the Spanish flu.

Wasn't that funny. And ghosts are always asking you to look up their relatives.

Uh, yeah. I'm just here to see a movie. I don't want to go to Toledo to find out

if your nephew became a doctor.

It's so good to have somebody else to talk about this stuff with. Yeah, it is.

The ghost boundary.

That's weird, huh?

Yeah, like some ghost deaths predate the house, but they all have the same

boundary. You know what's weird about the boundary?

What? What is it? No, it's just heady. It's hard to explain.

Oh!

Totally! Peanut butter!

I can't do this. I'm gonna tell Joan that tonight's off.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down, buddy. You guys totally freaked me out. I mean, I

have no idea what I'm doing. No one knows what they're doing the first time.

First times are awkward.

We'll help you. Talk to us. What's your plan with Joan?

Well, I figured we'd go to my room.

No offense, but your room is half virgin, half peat. The vibes are

best. I'm going to let you use my room, a .k .a.

the Boneyard.

No one calls it that.

They will if you do your job.

See, now this is what I'm nervous about. Like, how do you even, like, start the

whole process?

As old as the most experienced ghost, Thor will share a move that has never

failed. Women like it when home take control.

He's not wrong about that.

In heat of moment, pick Joan up and throw her on bed.

Yeah? Trust Thor, I will demonstrate with flour.

But just so you know, once this fuse gets lit, there will be an explosion.

You guys are welcome to stay.

Yeah, we prefer.

Okay, on that note, I'm going to go, but thank you. This has actually been

really helpful.

I got nothing else to do.

I mean, I get it. If I met another D &D player who was a level 9 chain warlock,

we'd have a lot to talk about.

How this nerd has any wife to worry about is beyond me.

But it's the talking and the laughing and the inside jokes. I mean, it's

excessive, right?

Especially given how hot he is.

What? I'm a great... with you this is all pete's fault he's not wrong how am i

supposed to not introduce two livings who share this rare gift i connect

that's why i was social chair at the kiwanis club kiwanis are those guys with

the hats and the little cars no that's those friggin shriners you know what I

can't. I don't like this one bit.

And now the guy's working here?

Yeah, this is not good.

I mean, look at his abs.

You looked him up online and turned off safe search.

Whatever that means.

I mean, I just wanted to get a full picture of what we're dealing with.

Wait, is that a mugshot?

This is interesting.

It says here Kyle was convicted of breaking and entering.

He robbed a house. He spent six months in prison.

That doesn't sound like someone Sam would want working here.

Exactly. Oh, these two are cooking something up. You're saying I tell Sam

Kyle's criminal past.

And she sends him packing.

No! Do not deny us our butler. Not when the dream of the perpetual hot pocket is

finally within reach.

All right, let's do it. Let's get rid of Kyle.

Yes. And then Sam will have no choice but to just settle for the old, can't

-ghost Jay.

I'm back in, baby.

So, here we are.

Indeed.

Here we are.

Look, Sass, if this is all moving too fast for you, we could just have Sam, or

man Sam, put on a movie for us to watch.

No, no, no, no, no. I really want to do this.

You're sure?

I'll show you sure.

Joan, get over here.

This is a different side of you.

Oh, my.

Take me fast.

Oh.

Oh, boy.

Hey, Kyle, how's it going? Great. Just got back from the market. We basically

cleaned them out of hot pockets. Oh, you know, I was thinking, maybe sometime I

could scoop the filling out of one of these things and put in some baked cod,

and then you got yourself a cod pocket.

Don't de -thaw unless you plan on fall through.

Oh, good.

Everyone's here. Well, you two, and I'm guessing some invisible people.

Just so you know, I fought for you.

What? Is everything okay, Jay?

Actually, it's not.

Turns out your little friend Kyle here is hiding a deep, dark secret.

He's a convicted felon.

What are you talking about? I'm talking about him doing six months in prison for

breaking into some poor family's home.

I brought a criminal into the house. I'm sorry. But also, it's kind of on you to

do background checks. I'm just a ghost.

Kyle, is this true?

I didn't want it to come out like this.

There was this ghost, Marion, who intended on her deathbed to give her

a locket.

But a winter storm delayed her daughter's arrival, and so Marion died

being able to pass on that family heirloom.

Years passed, a new family moved into the house, and ghost Marion begged me to

get the locket, which was hidden in the house, and track down her daughter.

So I tried to talk my way into the house at first, but to no avail. And so one

night, I broke in.

And I got the locket to Marion's daughter, but I got caught on the

ring cam.

So, yeah, I did some time.

But it was worth it to give an old ghost some closure.

Aha!

So he admits it.

This is not a good color on you, Jay.

I wanted to come here because I thought that it would be neat to meet somebody

else who has the same curse.

Curse? With those cheekbones, I'll allow it. But I can see now that me being

here has caused some sort of trouble, so I, uh... I think I should probably go.

What was that about, Jay?

Huh? What's going on? Are you jealous of Kyle or something? No, but I do think

it's a little weird that he took this entry -level job at the drop of a hat.

is very jealous.

His being here was going to be good for us. You know all the ghost stuff I spend

so much time doing? He was taking that off my plate.

And putting card pocket on floor plate.

Yeah, we were connecting.

But it wasn't him trying to steal me away. It was somebody else who was

with the same thing that I'm dealing with, which is pretty rare.

Yeah, we only know of Sam, Kyle, maybe Fabio.

Whatever. You don't understand.

Oh, Joan.

How'd it go with Sam?

Well, he threw me out the side of the house.

Oh, is that an old -timey expression?

No, it is not.

Hey, Kyle, sorry about all that in the kitchen.

No, I should have disclosed that I have a record. It's just an awkward thing to

bring up.

Of course.

Geez.

What was prison like with this ability?

Not great, Sam.

There's not a lot of people dying peacefully in their sleep in prisons.

Also, the livings were kind of scary, and the salad bar had limited options.

Well, it was nice to finally meet someone else who can see ghosts.

It was.

You know, I spend so much time trying to hide who I am.

It's such a relief to finally meet somebody that I can be myself around.

I know exactly what you mean.

Oh. Oh, God.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I think I must have misread something.

Kyle, what the hell?

I thought we were connecting. Yeah, we were connecting about being gone.

Yeah, no, I know. I'm sorry. I just... You don't know what it's like out there

trying to meet people with this weird thing.

You know, I try to hide it, and they think I'm insane. Or I tell them, and

think I'm insane. Or they're not Jewish.

Look, you'll find someone.

I don't know that that's true.

There's not a lot of people out there that are willing to put up with this.

I was with someone when I first got this power.

Somebody I thought was really special, but she just couldn't handle it.

That sounds hard.

So do you just want to Venmo me for the four hours of work? You know what? No,

it's fine. Goodbye, Kyle. Yeah.

There you are, slugger. Joan, I'm so embarrassed.

Oh, come on.

I'm head over heels for you. Literally. I landed face down in a family of

woodchucks. Thor said I should take control, and I feel like such a fool.

Your problem is you're trying to be somebody else. Some cool guy I've never

He's not the guy I'm crazy about.

So you're saying I should...

Just be myself?

Yes. I should trust my own instinct?

Except for the one that's telling you to keep talking right now. Right, I keep

making that mistake. I gotta remember there's time for talking.

Shut up, you damn fool.

Hey, guys. Not sure when the perfect time to announce that I was sleeping on

floor was, but now seems better than later.

You know, for a rumor, you sure are around a lot.

That's probably true.

But I did catch the tail end of what you were saying, and I have to agree with

Joan. Seth, you are a wonderful... Pete, get the hell out of here. Absolutely.

Jay, listen. Wait. Let me go first.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have gotten jealous.

I trust you.

Kyle seems like a really great guy.

He made a pass at me.

I knew it! I was right. Oh, I am so angry, but also vindicated, so I'm a

happy about that. How far did you let it go?

Blink twice, we're all the way. I facepalmed him immediately.

Okay, why is that everyone's move suddenly?

You started.

Oh, right.

That's true.

Alberta Haynes, trendsetter.

Let's just put this all behind us and pretend it never happened. No, Jay,

listen, I don't want to do that, because this whole thing has just reminded me

how lucky I am to have you.

I know it's not easy to be married to somebody who has my abilities, and

patient and understanding, and I don't tell you that enough.

Small man about to be thrown outside a house, ignore fool me.

I love you, Jay.

I know.

Who is Han Solo, Empire?

Is Pete in the room?

No. Oh, well then, I love you too.

Sass and Joan are still up there?

Something's wrong. It's been too long.

Calm down, Jay. This isn't helping anyone. That's it. I'm going in there.

Flower, no!

They might need help. This isn't something two people should do by

Wait!

There he is.

Well?

Oh, yeah.