Original subtitles

Oh, hey, Fat.

How's it going with Joan?

Awesome. She had to go back to L .A. for a bit, but we had a great week. Yeah,

smelled some nice dinners. Oh, my God, did you two do it or not? Hey, first of

all, I respect women.

That's a big no.

Pinkus is here.

He just pulled up. I'm sorry, who or what is Pinkus? He's my old Lehman bro,

junior associate I heroically gave my pants to before I died. Hi, welcome to

Woodstone. I also gave him my boxers. A decision that haunts us to this very

day. He must be Mr. Pinkus. Please, call me Adam. This is my daughter, Abby.

Hi. Mazel, Pinkus.

I thought it might have been a young wife, which also would have earned a

but daughter's even better.

Daddy, you okay?

It's emotional to be here. Oh, my boys were clumped. That means getting choked

up. 25 years ago, a good friend of mine passed away on this property.

Trevor Lefkowitz.

Of course. We had his memorial here a couple years ago. After they fished his

skull out of the lake. I know I was away on business, so I couldn't make it, but

I wanted to come up and pay my respects.

Sam, tell him Tara Reid was at my memorial.

In case you're wondering if anyone famous was at the memorial.

Smooth.

Tara Reid was there. Wow, Tara Reid came?

Who's Tara Reid?

Pinkins. Seriously, what kind of parenting is this?

She's an actress. She was in American Pie.

It's a 90s comedy about a group of friends who try and lose their

Incredible movie. Sounds dumb.

Yeah? Hit a little too close to home?

Hmm? Hmm?

Hmm?

Sam had her phone make a slideshow of her and Jay's entire relationship.

She's forcing everyone to watch, and now it's Jay's turn to pretend he's

interested. Oh, the tiny balmy jeans.

Remember, after that, we got chicken.

It's a precious memory.

Oh, and there's the chicken.

And another angle of it.

And another.

Edit your photos, Sam.

It's too bad ghosts can't look back on their relationship like this.

I wish I had a montage of all my time with Donna.

I mean, before I found out she was a murderer.

Oh, right, your Caribbean girlfriend. I forgot about Donna.

How did it go when you finally ended things with her?

Um, well, we, uh, haven't actually completed the breakup process.

You're still seeing her?

No, no, I mean, I just, you know, we never officially had any kind of talk,

it's been a while now. I think she gets it. Oh, Peter, you coward.

You left a guy at the altar.

Yeah. To his face?

Pete, I know that she's a murderer, but you owe it to her to break up with her

in person.

Pete's ghosting his girlfriend Donna, the one who offed her husband with a

pitchfork. Oh, come on, Pete. That's bad form, my guy. I know she gutted her

hubs, but she's still a person.

Okay, fine.

If Jay thinks I should talk to her in person, that's what I'll do, because he

knows what he's talking about, and he's my best friend.

And yet you're the only ghost he hasn't met.

Hey, I was inside of him.

Why are we still seeing pictures of chicken?

And then Trevor literally gave me the pants off his legs so I wouldn't have to

run back to the city without any. Hero move for the ages.

What an amazing story that I'm only hearing just now for the first time.

Well, I didn't know it then, but those pants were about to change my life.

Dad, I don't think they want to hear our whole entire life story.

No, we would love to hear about it. Let them tell it, Abby.

Yes, respect your elders and their dead former co -worker.

In the pocket of those pants was a phone number.

That's right, Lori Goldstein. We dated for a couple weeks and went well, but

then I died.

Wow, you literally ghosted her.

And then after a few days when nobody had seen Trevor, my dad called the

to see if they had information.

And this incredible woman answered.

Her name was Lori Goldstein.

She looked like Yasmin, please.

Anyway, we got to talking, and one thing led to another, and... They started

dating, and then they got married, and then they had me.

Unbelievable. The pants just keep on giving.

I can still remember the night we met.

She looked like Yasmine Bleif.

Who's Yasmine Bleif?

Seriously? Pinkett, teach this girl.

You're breaking up with me?

It's not you. It's me.

I'm also slightly irked by the fact that you killed your husband, Gerald, in a

grisly pitchfork murder.

Oh, gosh.

You heard about that?

There's a whole TV special about you.

They call you the slaying mantis, which, as a pun aficionado, I appreciated, but

as your boyfriend, I did not.

Pete, I swear to you, I am innocent.

Donna, he was killed with a pitchfork, and in the documentary, they have a

picture of you posing with that pitchfork. It was for Halloween.

Gerald and I went as that old farmer couple from the American Gothic

If you're innocent, why did you run off to the Caribbean?

All the evidence pointed to me.

The police weren't even looking at other suspects. I didn't know what to do.

And my miles were about to expire. You know what that's like.

Well, if you didn't do it, who did? I don't know. I wasn't there.

Wait a minute.

I have an idea.

Gerald was murdered at our house.

Maybe he's a ghost.

Or there's another ghost who saw it happen. You could go and investigate.

Like Columbo.

That's a great idea.

Donna?

I'm gonna clear your name.

Oh, and, uh, just one more thing.

Yeah? No, I was doing Columbo's catchphrase.

That was pretty good.

Now I gotta get out of here before my wiener starts to disappear.

That's kind of my catchphrase.

We talk a lot about the pants, but little known fact, Trevor also gave me

underwear. Oh. So your boys wouldn't rub up against his new suit.

My beautiful words.

This is the part where I dip out. That's fair. Night, sweetie.

Dad, let's go on a hike in the morning. Sam said there's a really nice creek.

Oh, yeah.

It's... There we go.

Magical. I have thesaurus, woman.

I'll text you directions, Abby.

Sam, ask if the mom ever still talks about me.

Because that's not aggressively weird.

Just steer the conversation in that direction.

So, Adam, what's your wife up to this weekend?

Lori...

actually passed away a couple years ago.

Oh, no.

We're sorry, Adam. That's awful.

Quick, Samantha, ask him if his grandmother will be joining us or maybe

childhood pet.

Yeah, it's been really hard. That's actually one of the reasons I brought

up here this weekend.

This is gonna sound crazy.

On her deathbed, Lori told me something, something that I didn't know and which

I've been trying to work up the courage to share with Abby.

I am not Abby's biological father.

Why is he telling us this?

Her real father was Trevor Lefkowitz.

What? Oh, my God.

No pants?

Is what the guy who is the biological father was wearing the night he died, it

seems like? Well, so I guess my boys can swim.

That's your first reaction?

I'm in shock.

Here you go, pastrami on rye with Russian dressing. Thank you so much.

No way. I love pastrami on rye. She must get that from me.

You think there's a pastrami gene that you pass down to her? Yes, I do. It's

called being Jewish.

Well, let me know if you need anything else.

Wait, could you ask her some questions?

Please, Sam, help me get to know my daughter.

Actually, have a sec if you want to do a little girl talk, Gab Sash.

Oof, that was a tough start.

Um, sure.

Uh, where did she go to school? Well, who was her first crush? Has she seen

cutting edge? All the big questions.

So, uh, where did you go to school?

University of Pennsylvania.

Yes, Penn!

Falling in my footsteps.

Nice. What did you study?

I majored in history with a minor in French poetry.

Okay, sounds like she's going to be living with pinkies for a while.

So, are you dating anyone?

You ask a lot of questions.

It's just, uh, here at Woodstone, we like to take the time to get to know our

guests. It's sort of what sets us apart.

In a good way.

All right.

Who's ready for that hike?

Yes, I'm just gonna get my jacket, which I got at REI with a gift card a friend

gave me for my birthday, just in case you were wondering.

Oh, she burned you. I like her. Hey, Adam.

Are you gonna have to talk with her about Trevor on this hike?

Yeah, actually, I don't know if I'm gonna do it this weekend.

Come on, Pincus. We're just having such a good trip.

I, uh... I'll tell her another time.

Uh, Sam, you gotta talk some sense into him.

Of course. I'm sure you know what's best.

Sam, you gotta talk to Pincus. Convince him to tell her. Abby has a right to

know the truth.

I don't think it's my place to tell Pincus how to parent his daughter.

Well, she's my daughter, too.

And it would mean the world to me to be able to see her learn that I'm her dad.

Sam, please.

I missed out on every major life moment.

Give me that.

Sorry, Trevor. I can't.

Unbelievable.

So, fair warning. I'm going to sniff this pastrami sandwich pretty seriously.

You can watch or you can go.

Hello? Anyone here a ghost?

I'm a ghost.

Whoa, did you just cross a property line? Yeah, I'm a non -geographically

ghost. It's very rare and amazing.

But you have a Walkman. That is cool.

It would be if I didn't have to listen to the same album for all of eternity.

Even Purple Rain gets old after the millionth listen.

Let's go crazy.

It's too late.

Okay, well, anyways, I'm here investigating a murder that took place

in 1982.

Oh, you're talking about Gerald.

Yeah, that was a shame.

You were here.

My girlfriend Donna was blamed for it, and I'm trying to prove her innocence.

Did you see anything?

Actually, I saw the whole thing from my second floor window.

I was already a ghost, though, so I couldn't do anything or call anyone.

But you saw who did it. This is amazing.

Well, I have some bad news for you.

It was Donna.

She stabbed him with a pitchfork over and over. It was pretty gruesome.

I think she was shouting something, too. What was it? It was, uh... Oh, yeah.

Die, cheater! Die!

Anyway, she always seemed great. Other than that, how long have you guys been

dating?

About a year.

What are you doing?

Since Sam refuses to talk some sense into Pinkett's over there, I'm doing it

her. What do you mean? I'm texting him from her phone. Sam is going to tell

Pincus that Abby deserves to know who her real father is.

Trevor, I don't know about this, but while you're in there, do you see the

John's app?

Send.

Did he get it? He doesn't seem to be reacting to an overreaching text from an

annoying acquaintance.

It went through. It says delivered.

Oh, no.

What is it? I thought I sent it to Adam Pincus, but I sent it to Abby Pincus.

What? Why did you do that?

I don't know. Their names are so close.

Okay, quick. Throw in some cinnamon breadsticks before Sam changes the

again. Hey, guys.

You seem suspiciously clumped. Trevor texted Abby that he's her real father.

What? Then he was going to order cinnamon breadsticks, which you can

you want as an apology to the Pinkuses. Trevor, why?

It was an accident. I meant to text Pinkus.

I'll hit unsend. Maybe she hasn't read it yet.

There's an unsend? What are we even sweating here?

Oh, you just ha -ha'd it. Oh, why did you ha -ha it?

the wrong thing. She's not good under pressure.

What the hell, Sam?

Doesn't seem like Abby thought that was funny, despite the ha -ha. I think you

meant to text this to my dad.

I can explain.

Can you?

What's going on?

Sam just sent me this text, which I think was meant for you, saying that she

wants you to tell me Trevor Lefkowitz is my real dad, and then she psychotically

ha -ha'd it.

What is wrong with you?

I told you that in confidence.

Oh, wait.

It was a mistake.

I'm sorry.

Wait.

Is it true?

I didn't want you to find out like this.

I didn't either.

I just could never find the right time to tell you.

I can't. I can't believe this. No.

Abby, wait.

Wait.

I mean, I want to go upstairs and watch that fight, but then I also want to stay

down here and watch Sam yell at Trevor.

This is a toughie.

Please, honey, open the door. I just want to make sure you're okay.

I don't want to talk to you right now.

Oh, I really screwed this one up.

What's happening? Did they make up?

No. Trevor's folly, as we are calling the errant text, seems to have broken

family irreparably.

Sam, I'm sorry. I know I made you look like a total idiot.

Thank you, Trevor.

And fair warning, I changed my passcode.

Is it Jay's birthday?

Not even close.

Jay's birthday backwards?

Damn it. The worst part is I hurt my daughter. And the man who did such an

amazing job raising her.

Well, maybe she just needs a reminder of that.

What do you say?

Remember that super lame photo montage Sam did of her and Jay?

Oh, yes. So cloying. So much poultry. Okay. I'm saying maybe we do one of

montages for Abby and Pincus so she can remember all their great moments.

And there's only one ghost I know who has the power to physically touch a

and make that happen.

Talking about Magic Fingers McKee? No.

That nickname makes one long for the days of tea money.

It's full circle. This thing started with a hero move back when I gave him my

pants, and I'm gonna end it with another hero move right now.

Is it a hero move if you're just cleaning up the mess you made?

It's a hero move.

So this Richard ghost, he said that Donna did do it? That's what Pete's

I feel like such a fool. I really believe Donna.

Well, don't be so hard on yourself. Of course you're gonna believe anything she

says. She was way, way out of your league.

Thank you. Well, I... I guess that it's good a ghost witnessed the crime. At

least now you know the truth and you can have some closure.

It's too bad that guy's ghost power wasn't stopping someone from being

with a pitchfork.

I know, right?

I actually didn't catch what his ghost power was.

He did have something cool, though. Richard died with a Walkman, and it

works. Jay, something for your ghost note.

The ghost that Pete met, who saw Donna kill her husband, he had a Walkman.

Cool.

Although one album for all of eternity.

Hope it was something solid.

It was the classic Prince Purple Rain.

It was Purple Rain.

Oh, good one.

Hold up.

What year did you say the murder was?

Uh, 1982.

Purple Rain didn't come out till 84.

Which means Richard wasn't a ghost in 1982.

Richard wasn't a ghost when Donna's husband was murdered.

He was lying.

Oh, really?

Once again, your collective failure to recognize something as gas -worthy truly

boggled the mind.

Hurry up and send it.

It worked.

This is really moving.

That's right. I pulled out the big gun.

Green Day.

I wish I could have been there for those moments.

But Pincus did a really good job.

Those braces.

What are those, military grade?

That was an awkward face.

Hey. What?

She turned out lovely. We can laugh about it now.

Can we talk?

Of course.

I've had some time to think about it, and I understand that you're in a hard

position.

It was just really difficult for me to process.

But I love you.

Liar!

Excuse me?

You weren't a ghost when Gerald got murdered. You couldn't have been. You're

listening to an album that came out in 1984, two years after the crime

What? No. I'm pretty sure Prince released Purple Rain in 1980.

No way, Jose. Prince released Dirty Mind in 1980. I know because my wife

attended the tour with my best friend. They bought matching T -shirts.

That feels fishy.

I see that now.

But what's even fishier is that you lied about Gerald's murder.

Donna wasn't the murderer, was she?

Why did you lie, Richard?

Huh? Why?

Why? Because my wife was the murderer.

She hated Gerald, okay? He was always parking his car in front of our house.

drove Linda crazy.

Why? You don't own the curb outside your house.

It's an unwritten rule, Pete.

One night, she got home after a long day, and there it was.

Gerald's K car parked right in front of Linda's begonias. She lost it. She

marched right into his yard and stabbed him in the chest.

With Donna's pitchfork? No, we planted that on the body.

Everyone always suspects the spouse.

And people had seen Donna with the pitchfork on Halloween. She was the

fall guy.

What was the real murder weapon?

One of Linda's garden tools.

We buried it under the fountain.

I'm sorry, I lied.

It's nothing personal against Donna, but I didn't want my wife to go to prison.

I loved her.

I still do.

The old lady?

That's Linda?

She's the murderer.

Abby, I just wanted to apologize again.

I was trying to be helpful, but it wasn't my place.

Yeah, it was pretty weird.

But it actually led to a conversation that I needed to have with my dad.

They made up.

It was beautiful.

I'm happy to hear that.

I wish I could find out more about Trevor.

My dad just has that one pants story. They didn't really know each other for

long, and there's not a ton about Trevor online.

Something about them finding his skull.

But look at that bone structure.

You're welcome.

You know, I was at the memorial.

Definitely learned a lot about Trevor, if there's anything you wanted to know.

Oh, my God, yeah.

So much.

What was he into when he was my age?

I loved jam bands, designer drugs, and my dog, Bucky.

He loved jam bands and his dog, Bucky.

Bucky.

Okay, I don't think that this came up, but did he want kids?

More than anything, I always wanted a family.

But, like, after I sowed a lot of wild oats.

He always wanted a family.

Ask her, has she ever seen The Cutting Edge?

Uh, what else? I remember someone said his favorite movie was The

Cutting Edge. What?

I love that movie.

Yes! Oh, my baby girl.

Okay, back to Jan Vance. Does she like the disco biscuits? I want smoked pot

with brownie in their basis.

Try to work that in.

This cold case heated up after an anonymous tip from a Hudson Valley

And now the octogenarian murderer slash gardening enthusiast will find herself

planted behind bars.

Well, it all worked out. I cleared my girlfriend's good name and a dangerous

woman is off the streets.

Hey, Sam, this whole thing got me thinking.

What if you and I were out there visiting crime scenes and trying to

murders? Ooh, it's true, Samantha. You have a traveling ghost investigator at

your disposal.

And yet here you are running a middling B &B.

I'm kind of a homebody. I like to be cozy.

Cozy? You could solve all sorts of cold cases, bringing comfort to thousands. I

mean, how could you be so selfish?

I guess I could do what you're saying.

Although then I'd have less time to be here making pizzas for you guys to smell

or authoring your vampire biographies.

You know what? Never mind. Let's just drop the whole thing.

Sam is busy.