Original subtitles

What's going on?

Remember that ghost trap from a few years ago that you got stuck in and then

almost eviscerated by?

Yeah, I recall.

Well, I have a theory that if I can get inside of it, Sam and Jay can carry me

off the property and I could finally get to Sheiky.

Assuming Jay can fix it. Well, it's the ghost trap from Latvia and he's a chef

with an all -in -one screwdriver. I'm not loving our odds.

And now he's blowing on it like it's a Nintendo cartridge, which honestly used

to work like 90 % of the time. Damn, it's still nothing.

Sweetie, let's call the repair line. Maybe they could send someone.

Babe, I got this.

Jay's got a lot of great qualities, but being handy is not one of them. Maybe if

we put it in right.

He's a loving husband, a good friend.

Not to make things awkward by stating them out loud, but that's also sort of a

fun thing to do.

Wasn't Pete trying to set you two up, and now you're going for Sheiky?

Sometimes the story wants to take a turn. Sure, it seemed like Sass and I

meant to be, but then we found out Sheiky still holds a torch for our boy.

And then Joan convinced me to be bold and go after Sheiky. A perilous trip in

ghost trap for love. I mean, that's what the people want to see.

That and a huge monkey in love with a beautiful woman.

Sass, how do you actually know that you can cross the ghost boundary in the

ghost trap?

Yeah, won't Shab just spit you out like when you try to cross a land ship?

Maybe, but unlike a... car the walls of the ghost trap are impenetrable to

ghosts so you're saying the ghost trap could override the boundary and then you

could get off the property and finally end centuries of torturous sexual

frustration we are rooting for you thanks damn it i think the circuit board

shorted out he doesn't know what any of those words mean oh oh that's true

probably extra

Set your watch, Flower.

Because in a mere three hours, I'm about to land something incredible on eBay.

I don't have a watch. I have a tattoo of a sundial, but I'm not sure that's

helpful here.

I'm about to be the proud owner of a piece of cinematic history.

The original ice skates worn by Moira Kelly in the figure skating rom -com,

Cutting Edge.

Seriously? Mm -hmm.

Trevor, you're the only ghost with a job. Why don't you try doing something

with all your money?

I am doing something good. I'm keeping these skates from the clutches of Moira

Kelly foot fetish freaks. By having them go to just a regular stalker?

I'm a cinephile.

Trevor, instead of being a capitalist pig, why don't you donate your money to

charity? You could save the narwhals.

If narwhals are real, which...

I think they are.

Look, you don't get it, because you don't have any money. It's easy for you

say, give it all away, when it doesn't cost you anything.

Fine. Go ahead.

Buy your ice skates. You can't do anything but look at.

That's not true. I can smell them.

Which I won't, because I'm not a creep, as we previously established.

Hi, I'm Jay. You must be the ghost trap repairman.

That's his wife, cold behind his back.

Yeah, I am Yanis.

Okay, well, FYI, it's like 80 % fixed already, so... Shh.

What's going on?

You have ghosts.

What? How would you even know that? You haven't even used any of your equipment

yet. Yanis can tell.

Yanis, no ghosts.

What is he doing? I take care for you.

Don't shoot!

I mean, we don't think that's necessary.

There's no charge.

Janice enjoyed the stray ghost.

Oh, well, we appreciate the offer, but we really just need the ghost trap fixed

today. I mean, it's just in the other room.

Yeah, you better run.

What the hell, Thor? You dug the heart? me when that guy pulled out the ghost

gun um don't not think so it was really quite pitiful sass you jumped right in

front of me oh it just seemed like the thing to do not the thing that everybody

was doing though trying to protect your backside from potential laser beam

ricochet unlike sass who cowardly jumped to protect himself from ricochet yeah

this is just sad

Do you think I'm a selfish capitalist pig? Of course.

It's one of your only redeeming qualities.

Why do you ask? Because Flowers said that I should be more charitable.

The poor are always suggesting that the rich be more charitable.

When the truth is, if they simply invested their money rather than wasting

frivolities like bread and kindling, they wouldn't need a handout.

Flowers said that I should be giving my money to good causes, like saving the

narwhals. Oh, a narwhal.

Glorious creature.

And delicious with the hollandaise.

What does Flower even know?

She's never even had any money. Perhaps what you need to do is teach her a

lesson.

What do you mean? I'm saying you're right.

Flower has never had any money. It's easy for her to judge. But what if we

to put those morals to the test?

What are you cooking up? A plan in which two rich people show a poor the error

of her ways.

I like it.

You really ate a narwhal?

Just a tiny piece of one. It was a little...

Chewy. Though the horn made for a wonderful cocaine straw.

Waste not, want not.

Sam,

ask Yanis if he thinks the ghost trap can successfully transport a ghost

the boundary.

Uh, Yanis, can I ask you a question? No, I do not need to break for lunch.

Mother has made me many perugia, keep in pockets for snack.

Oh, okay.

That's nice.

No, let's say instead of using the trap to catch and destroy a ghost, you wanted

to use it to...

Transport a ghost across the ghost boundary. Ghost boundary? What is this

boundary? Oh, it's just a theory that we have that there might be a boundary at

the property line that confines ghosts to the property that they died at.

That sounds silly.

Okay.

Let's say, hypothetically, it exists.

Okay, I play along.

So, what do you say? Ghosts cannot cross property line.

Right. But also, walls of ghosts trap impenetrable to ghosts.

Uh -huh.

So then if you try to take ghost across property line inside ghost trap, Janice

think smush.

Excuse me?

Smush. We're going to need some clarification, Sam.

Sorry. When you say smush. Yes.

Smush. Immovable object meet irresistible force. Ghost, ghost, smush.

That sounds bad.

Not to Janice.

Janice hate ghosts.

Think it's very funny to see ghost, ghost, smush.

I don't like that.

So, yeah, we all thought there were just two possible outcomes to trying to

cross the ghost boundary. Either it works or you get spit out of the ghost

But apparently, there's a third possibility that we hadn't considered.

Smooshing. I don't follow.

I don't know, Joan. Giannis didn't elaborate, but it sounded like I could

crushed to goo, disintegrated.

Wow. All you wanted was a little smooching, and now you're facing

I'm sorry.

Look, obviously I don't want to see anything bad happen to you, but on the

hand, we don't even know if this Giannis fellow is right. I mean, you said it

yourself. He didn't know about the boundary.

That's true.

And he carries pierogies his mother made him in his pockets. I mean, that's

weird. Yeah, it doesn't bolster the case that he's an infallible expert.

Here's my two cents.

No great love story ever ends without fighting through some adversity, taking

chance.

You're saying love is worth the risk?

I'm saying that when you put her hand in yours and you stare into each other's

eyes and you feel that spark, that's when you know you're sitting across from

the one that was meant to be all along.

Jill. There you are.

Remember how I told you I was working on a screenplay, the Christmas rom -com?

Well, I'm in the second act, and I'm struggling to think of an obstacle to

in the way of the romantic lead.

Well, off the top of my head, you could have an annoying friend burst in and

ruin what could have been a very special moment.

Yes, that's so good.

Maybe we could just get something down while you're here.

I'm gonna step out.

Are you sure?

You're a storyteller. You could help.

I'm good.

Poor guy.

Probably felt like a bit of a third wheel.

Oh, flower.

Just the person I was looking for.

Oh, sorry.

Were we playing hide and seek? I forgot.

No, I was thinking about what you said earlier, and you were right. I should be

doing something good with my money. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm giving

you $5 ,000, and you use it however you want.

Really? What?

A magnanimous gesture with no obvious ulterior motive.

Trevor, this is so great. I can do so much with that money.

There's a cat shelter in town that's always sending flyers for donations.

And the previously mentioned narwhals, if they in fact exist.

Or you could keep the money for yourself. Get something you want.

If it makes you feel better, you can spend the money on me.

Maybe sort of a nice middle ground.

Oh, there's a spot on my wall that would be perfect for a life -size Momoa

poster. No, I am a charitable person. I need to do good with it.

That makes sense. Besides, what earthly possession could even improve the life

of a ghost?

I mean, except for the obvious choice, candles.

Candles? Mmm, the sweet, sweet smell. Something even a ghost can enjoy. And

come in so many different fragrances now. Vanilla bean, sandalwood,

Patchouli? Good, I digress.

You stick to your guns. Do good for others you will never meet, despite the

that a magical world of candles is but a push of Samantha's finger on a computer

button away.

Ah, damn it. I can feel my mower slipping away.

Hey, guys. Can I talk to you?

It's about Shiki.

Um, do you think I'm rushing into things?

Well, it's been 500 years, so if we're gonna go with, no.

Yeah, but now people are talking about smushing, and the truth is, in some

I don't even know Shiki that well. Because the extent of your relationship

consisted of a dozen hellos.

It was 13.

Sazabi, you've been carrying a torch for this woman for half a millennia.

Where is this hesitancy coming from?

Okay, the truth is, I think I had a moment with Joan.

And honestly, I don't know. It felt kind of right.

Well, maybe you should listen to that feeling.

Yeah, there's a lot of strong arguments to be made for you and Joan. She's

already here on the property. You and she have spoken in the past five

centuries. You wouldn't have to risk being smushed into goo.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe the whole thing is in my head, but I need to find out.

I need to talk to Joan. Yes.

Go to her. Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid.

That's Goethe.

But I know it from Samantha showing us Almost Famous during that Kate Hudson

movie night.

Good luck, sir.

It can be hard to be vulnerable with someone, but take it from here or we'll

protect Alberta's backside.

You can do this.

Hey, Joan.

What's going on?

Oh, it's just... Sitting here feeling like a damn fool.

Pete, I think I'm falling for Sass.

I knew you would like him. Man, am I the greatest matchmaker of all time?

You know, there is a cavewoman with a unibrow that I think Trevor would like

he just got to know her. No, Pete, this is bad.

Sass is going to see that cheeky woman, and I'm just yesterday's news.

Or maybe you're who he's meant to be with.

You'll never know unless you tell him how you feel.

I just don't know what I'd say.

Well, we could workshop it, do a little improv. You pretend I'm sass, I'll

pretend you're you, and just for fun, we're on a pirate ship. So I just... I'm

sass. Shoot your shot.

Okay.

Listen, I came here with low expectations, but somehow in this short

it seems I've fallen for you.

So I guess what I'm saying is...

Do you think there's a world where you might be interested in a girl like me?

I think there's a world like that, yeah.

Oh, you're right. Not that bad. I can do that.

Unfortunately, the world I speak of is in shark -infested waters.

The same sharks who got me hand.

Pretend that there's a hook. I'm not going to do that.

Fair enough, matey. Please, stop. I can't.

Did me curse.

Okay, ghost trap all fixed.

Thanks so much again for coming out. We really appreciate it. It's no problem.

Capturing and killing ghosts is passion for Giannis. This man is not grown on

me. Also, Giannis upgrade capacitor.

No extra charge.

What does that mean? It means trap can now hold 100 ghosts without overloading.

Also, Giannis glue on little googly eyes because not everything need to be so

serious.

I'll show you out.

I can't believe you're really going through with this, Thass.

You are a brave man.

What's that supposed to mean?

You say Thor not brave?

No. Thor brave!

Vikings, man.

Touchy. They don't show you that in the documentaries.

Hey, Thass.

You a moment to chat?

Well, anything you want to say to me, you can say in front of my friends.

It's just... It's important.

You know what else is important?

Me crossing the ghost boundary to get to the love of my life.

Got it.

Okay, well, um... I just wanted to say, uh, good luck.

So, Flower, have you donated all your money to charity yet?

Nope.

Yeah.

I heard you might have gotten a little distracted.

In fact...

Sam mentioned she helped you make a purchase.

Don't feel bad, Flower.

Materialism is a powerful seductress. No one will think less of you for

literally burning all your money on candles.

But I didn't buy candles.

I bought movie memorabilia.

Sam helped me outbid you on eBay for Moira Kelly's ice skates.

Wait, what?

You outbid me? What are you going to do with the skates?

Sell them back to you.

For $10 ,000, which will help me save twice as many narwhals if they in fact

exist. I'm not giving you a penny.

Fine. Then I'll just have Thor zap them with electricity till they catch on

fire. We were always burning things in the 60s.

Bras, draft cards.

Governor Reagan's Cadillac? I don't understand. Why are you doing this?

it was obvious you two were conspiring to teach me a lesson. We were outsmarted

by a half -wit, which makes us not even quarter -wits.

It's these moments of self -doubt when one could really use a narwhal tuck full

of cocaine.

Flower, this isn't fair.

Capitalism isn't fair, Trevor.

And now you know that.

This is where you don't give money to the poor.

Okay, Sass, after I drop you off at Cheeky's, I gotta go pick up Sam's dry

cleaning, and they close at 6, so I guess it's time.

You're combining Sass's possible smushing with an errand.

I don't have any clean sweaters. That checks out. She's clearly at the end of

the laundry cycle.

We're in the cardigan reserves.

Sass, before you go, I want you to know that you've been... good friend.

Oh, thanks, man. You too.

I've always had my back.

Exactly.

Back.

Most important part to protect.

Seriously, Thor.

Listen, everyone.

If things go badly today, I just want you to know that I love you all.

It feels the same.

But if the unthinkable should happen, I just want to say, I call dibs on

this back rubs. Oh, damn it. Shoot, I forgot the dry cleaning ticket.

Better get that. They don't play it happy clean. Be right back.

Okay. I'm going in.

Good luck, Seth.

Sorry that I can't watch. It's too scary.

But I know it's going to go well.

What's going on here?

Oh, Seth is in the trap.

Jay's about to take him across the ghost boundary to see Sheiky bar and

flushing. What?

Seth, can you hear me?

What is it, Pete?

Did Joan talk to you? She didn't need to. I heard you guys talking in the den,

and I know you both like each other, and it makes sense because, you know, both

are roamers and both like wordplay.

What? No, Seth, she was practicing what she wanted to say to you. It was improv,

incredibly well -acted improv.

Wait, Joan likes me?

Where is she? I saw her leaving the property.

She looked upset. I assumed per our conversation you told her how you felt

she rejected you. It's a reality I accepted without question.

No, no, no. I never told her how I felt.

I have to get out of this trap and find her.

All right.

I got the ticket.

Let's hit it.

No, no, no.

Maybe you two should get into the trap. Three ghosts overloaded it last time.

I'll stand watch and shout encouragement.

That ain't gonna work this time. That guy gone has upgraded the capacitor.

Holds more ghosts now.

Oh, no.

What Thor need to do?

Be hero.

Don't worry, Stine.

Thor's here.

Thor?

What are you doing?

Thor think can short our trap.

What if it doesn't work? Then we could both be goo.

Huzzah! Thor did it. Oh, that truly was heroic.

Oh, man, Thor's gonna be insufferable.

Dude, you risked your life to save me.

You really do have my back.

Oh, I have your front, too.

And top.

And bottom.

Okay.

That! Are you okay? How did you get out of the trap?

Thor risked his existence for me.

Maybe he might have actually just prevented us from discovering once and

a way off of this property, but it was still brave.

Just did what need be done.

Are you all right, Sopis? You look kind of down for someone who just escaped

possible liquification.

Doesn't change the fact that I completely blew it with Joan.

I mean, how could I have thought that she's into Pete?

I'm so stupid.

I think there probably was a nicer way to say that.

No, she's gone, and...

She could be anywhere. Well, doesn't she live in L .A.? Can't Pete go look for

her? Yes, but L .A. is massive from what I've seen on Selling Sunset.

Well, maybe there's a chance that we could catch her at the airport.

Yes. Oh, my God, that's so romantic.

I almost got caught at the airport once, but I smartly ate all my lewds before

the dog sniffed my bag.

You can chase her down and stop her from getting on the plane and tell her it's

her.

She's the one I want to be with.

Sounds like you've got yourself an act three right there.

Joan, I thought you left.

Oh, I did.

But I decided to come back and give you a piece of my mind. Tell you what a

dummy you've been.

Thankfully, you seem to have figured it out all on your own.

Well, now's your chance.

You have 30 seconds.

Win me over.

Okay. Um, Joan... I'm kidding.

Shut up and kiss me, you fool.

Have sex now.

Please. Just end this.