Original subtitles

And having successfully stalled the bill on procedural grounds, Captain

Higgintooth left the State House in Albany, turned into a bat, and flew

Give us your honest thoughts.

I think it's weird that in Isaac's biography, he's a vampire.

Again, that ship has sailed.

What about the writings? That's your storyteller. Why do you feel Samantha

too many commas?

Hey, guys.

Sash, I have incredible news. You remember how I promised you I was going

search far and wide to find you a lovely dead lady? Well, I met another roamer,

and she can't wait to meet you. What do you mean?

She's here? She sure is, buddy. Right in the living room. Her name is Joan. And

does she know about his situation?

It's not a situation. I just haven't done it in the 500 -plus years of my

existence. Agreed. It's nothing to be ashamed about.

But maybe don't leave with it.

Seriously, Pete?

Man, you really find out what people think of you with these setups.

Hey, Joan.

Joan, hello?

Joan? Did she die without her hearing aid?

She's not dead yet, champ, but give her a few minutes.

You're Joan?

The one and only.

And you're Sassapis, I presume.

I used to work with the Sassapis at Paramount Pictures back in the 40s.

No.

Well, cute and gullible, just my type.

So. Pete says you're a storyteller.

Yeah, well, I was going to be, but then I died the week before my first

storytelling thing.

Well, you really got away with words, kid.

What? No.

I didn't know if you were talking still. You said something. Okay, sorry.

Sam.

Did you know that Greg and Lydia had reservations for our restaurant last

and just didn't show?

Seriously? That's rude.

They're friends of ours from the city. Which city? Is there only one city now?

What's happening out there?

They didn't even send a text.

I bet this is because we didn't go to their New Year's party.

But we had guests. We were working.

You know what this is?

It's a revenge bail.

They revenge bailed. This is like when Gordon Lightfoot didn't come to my

threesome because I didn't go to his orgy. Oh, we're sure something didn't

happen. Perhaps they ate a bad ostrich egg. As you know, they're currently out

of season. Are we sure they're okay, Jay? Oh, they're okay.

Lydia Instagrammed from Hudson Yards. They were hitting golf balls all night.

Greg fixed his slice, and I can't even feel good for him. This revenge bale.

Very interesting concept.

Remember when Alberta missed Thor's thousandth birthday party?

Wasn't that, like, 50 years ago?

Thor very angry.

But now her plan...

Thor going to Revenge Bale on Albertistown's birthday party had made

furious.

Well, yeah, but you know that's not for another 900 years, right?

Maybe Thor will find a way to Revenge Bale sooner.

But no one must speak of this.

Must keep most totally guarded secret.

Revenge Bale!

Yes.

Mom's the word.

Man, it must be so cool being a roamer.

Not much exciting happens around here.

Although, one time, Thor almost got eviscerated in a ghost trap.

Sounds like my riverboat rom -com. That got eviscerated in variety.

Abel Green said my script was dead in the water.

Anyway, tell me, how did you help your friend escape from that trap?

I'm actually a little foggy on the detail.

I was in the driveway. I was dating a car ghost at the time. She left me for

roast beef.

That's right.

Talk about town is that you're unlucky in love.

How can that be?

Witty, great hair.

A girl could do worse.

I don't know. Maybe I just haven't met the right girl yet. Or maybe the right

girl's actually been here all along.

Or at least since 10 o 'clock this morning.

Oh, hey.

I'm Trevor. This is my room. Got a TV, and I can press the buttons.

No big deal.

I'm sorry.

Where are your pants?

I gave them to a protege.

Sort of a hero move.

Tell me about it. With twigs like those, you must be the bravest man I've ever

met. What the hell?

Oh, she burned you.

Hey, I was tug -of -war anchor at Camp Ramah.

Well, that sounds like an exit line to me. Thanks for stopping by.

Unbelievable.

Wow. You are awesome.

Well, thank you, sir.

So, how long are you in town?

I know Pete has to go home, you know, every few days to recharge once he

to disappear.

Yes, I used to have that problem. But the longer you roam, the more you sort

build up your tolerance. You don't have to go back as much.

Really? Yes, it's kind of like when you're eight years old and you have your

first martini. You get drunk right away, but then by the time you're 13, a girl

can really hold her liquor.

So you can just stay here for as long as you choose, basically?

I guess that's true, yes.

Huh.

Do you really think my legs were skinny?

Oh, you can...

Damn it.

If you want the shaft of light, I got another 15 minutes.

Actually, Thor come because Thor have idea.

Oh, that's new.

Did someone give it to you or... Original Thor idea, not that unusual.

Anyway, Thor feel like things around house not that interesting anymore.

Maybe it's time for Alberta to...

Host one of her beloved concerts.

Are you asking for a classic Alberta Haynes one night only? An exhilarating

night of music and mingling?

Exactly. Thor would love to attend.

Well, you don't have to ask me twice. I'll host one tonight.

And Thor invited?

Uh, yeah, Thor, you're invited.

Thor, shut up!

Okay, great.

I'll see you there.

No, you won't.

What's that?

Nothing.

Ah, child.

So, Cass, it seemed like you and Joan were hitting it off. Yeah, she's cool,

we have a lot in common, and, you know, we get along great, but I don't know.

I think she's incredible.

What a trailblazer. I mean, one of the first female screenwriters, and the

she has. I mean, most of them are about handsy guys, but the other ones, wow.

I just don't want to rush into anything.

Oh, I don't think anyone could ever accuse you of that.

Because you're a 537 -year -old virgin.

Wait, Thor, didn't you once tell us that you watched Seth having sex? That you

watched him when he was alive and you were a ghost?

Thor lied to protect Fran, because Thor could friend all ghosts in house.

Like Alberta, whose party Thor definitely attending tonight.

Seth. Joan is perfect for you. She's attractive, she's funny, and I hate to

on this, but she's an option.

So what's the problem?

Did you know that she barely ever has to go home to recharge?

She can roam for like a year at a time. Wow.

I can only be gone for three days. That's impressive.

Interesting. Maybe that's what's... What's bothering you about Joan Sassopis

that she would be able to stick around for a long time?

What does that mean?

I'm saying you have a predilection for the unavailable.

Consider your relationship history thin, as though it may be.

A car goes with Wanderlust, another woman who existed entirely in Jay's

and then there's Sheiky who lives on another property?

Hold on, Sheiky's different.

I loved her when I was alive.

She was available then.

And, yeah, I still think about her. And, oh, my God, maybe that's why I go for

unavailable ghosts.

Because deep down, I'm still hung up on Sheiky. Well, then, if you could get

over Sheiky, maybe you'd be open to something real with someone like Joe.

I mean, maybe, yeah.

Yes. What if I were to go talk to Sheiky and find out once and for all if she

has any interest in you? I guess if I knew, there was no chance it would help

move on. There's no chance. She's on another property and sort of famously

doesn't like you. Not famously.

And we've never actually asked her point blank, are you into sasapis?

Well, hopefully she says no.

I'm not trying to be mean. I just, I want you to be freed from this grip that

she has on you. Well, don't worry. If we want to secure a rejection from a

woman, I'm just the cuckold to do it.

It's nice how he's embracing it.

So I guess what I'm trying to do is find out once and for all, do you have any

interest in sasapis? You know, romantically.

And I'm supposed to ignore the fact that I can never see him and we're bound to

separate properties?

Yep, setting that aside.

If I can be totally honest, I'm not interested in sasapis.

Okay. Well, thank you for your time.

Nothing against us.

I just want a guy who puts himself out there. Understood. Honestly, I think

for the best.

I will report back.

I mean, you say that he has this eternal crush on me, but when we were alive, he

never even made a move.

Well, there was the 13 hellos.

Exactly. And the deer?

What do you mean?

Well, he killed the deer and put it outside your family's home, which I

was the courting ritual of the time. That was the sappy?

I didn't know that was him.

It's quite the gesture.

It changes everything.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God. This is huge news.

What? What is it? Pete went to talk to Sheiky to find out if she has any real

feelings whatsoever for Sass. That's kind of a desperate question.

Hard to agree.

Okay, well, what did Sheiky say?

She said she likes him. I'm confused. It doesn't seem like she's ever expressed

interest in him in the past.

Well, that's because she didn't realize Sass was the one who had left the dead

deer at her home.

Sheiky didn't know that Sass was the one who left the dead deer at her home.

Whoa. What if she knew that way back when?

This is sort of tragic.

Right? And... Now it complicates things with Joan, the female screenwriter ghost

from Hollywood's Golden Age who's kind of taken me under her wing. Under her

wing is strong.

She nodded politely after Samantha pitched a Christmas rom -com set at the

Pole. Cast Tiffany Ambritheson as a hot Mrs. Claus? I could be into that.

All right, well, let me know where all this lands. I'm going to go give this

softer meal option to the old lady standing in the maple suite.

Hospitality. We don't do it for the glamour.

Isn't this bad?

The Sheiky information?

He said he wouldn't pursue things with Joan if he thought there was a chance

with Sheiky. I know, and he and Joan are so cute together.

I'm a great matchmaker.

I mean, I have complicated feelings about it, but I did introduce Carol and

Jerry. Poor Seth.

He deserves happiness.

And it doesn't even matter that Sheiky actually likes him. They can literally

never be in the same room.

What if we simply don't tell this obvious the truth? I don't know about

Don't we all agree that it would be far healthier for him to have some closure

and be able to move on?

Well, yeah.

But lying to Seth about Cheeky? Sometimes a lie is the far kinder way to

Speaking of which, that's a lovely blouse.

Hey, big guy. I'm heading over to Alberta's party. You coming?

No.

Okay. Why not?

Because that's exactly what Alberta expecting.

Well... Yeah, wasn't the whole party your idea?

Yes, Thor is mastermind, but party is just one facet in grand plan.

Okay. Trevor, listen.

Alberta going to be very upset when she realized Thor not at party. Please take

mental picture of her agony and report back to Thor.

Sure thing, buddy.

And now we wait.

I'm sorry, did you die with alcohol on your ghost person?

That's right.

Wish I'd died with a cigarette, but I'd already finished my four packs for the

day. Tobacco is huge in the colonies.

Isn't it great when something's fun and good for you?

Just out of curiosity, if you gave another ghost a sip, would they feel

anything? It only takes a second or two for it to zap back into the bottle, but

sure, there's a momentary buzz.

Sign me up.

Oh, there's that sweet...

Sweet burn, Mama Miss.

I mean, thank you.

So, Seth, how are you doing?

Well, at first, I was definitely a little thrown to hear that Sheiky

really have any feelings for me.

Yeah, but that is what she said, loud and clear.

But then I was kind of like, wow, maybe I can finally move on. Okay, so I guess

we did the right thing by asking her and getting a genuine answer and then

reporting that answer on to you.

Are you okay, Pete? Have you been hitting Joan Flask?

Seth, I'm really glad to hear it. I mean, I'm sorry, of course, about

but now maybe you can see where things go with Joan. And maybe finally end our

long national nightmare, a .k .a. your virginity. Thank you, Flower. Your

support means the world.

Oh, when does the entertainment start, right? I mean, this party's deader than

we are.

Hey, Joan.

Deader than we are. That's so funny.

Hey, I made some changes to the North Pole rom -com script based on your

thoughts. after the man turns into a reindeer at the top of the second hour.

Honey, honey, honey, listen to me, okay?

Just call it polar opposites, okay? And make sure the guy gets the girl. What

are we talking about? This isn't airplane science.

Polar opposites? That's really good.

One more structural question, if I could. Joan, have you seen the other

the room? It's sort of like this, but Sam's not there. Oh, lead the way,

handsome.

Wow, Sam, that was so amazing how you drove her right into his arms by

pretending to be lame and insufferable.

Thank you.

Trevor, do not report back.

Did our brother mention me not being at party?

It hasn't come up.

Thor, you are at the party. No, Thor not. Oh, hey, Thor.

Thor not here.

Man, that lightning really knocked something loose.

That boy ain't right.

Oh, look at Sass flirting up a storm.

Yeah, you go, Sass. He's so money and he doesn't even know it.

Swingers, I'm down.

Pete? How was the party, Sam?

Oh, good. Yeah, you just walked through Pete, but other than that, we've been

having fun.

Uh, worth it, though, to have my main man Jay here.

Is Sass in here?

Does he know the good news, that Sheiky likes him?

What did he say?

Uh... I think you misheard.

Misheard? You clearly said Sheiky likes Sass because she didn't know about the

deer, but now she does, so she's into him.

Did you all lie to me?

Yeah, but it was for your own good.

Also, Hattie told us to do it.

What is going on?

Hey, has the new ghost heard Beyonce yet? Jay, just one second. Yes, Sass,

true. Sheiky did say she was interested in you, but since you can never be with

her, we thought it might be kinder to just let you think she didn't like you.

We're sorry.

Okay, I hadn't received that update because you didn't tell me, and I cannot

the ghost, Sam.

Unbelievable. What is wrong with you guys? I'm so sorry, Joan.

I gotta go.

Sass. Well, that's a twist.

Sass, sorry. Trust me, the last thing I want to do is hurt a ghost.

Ah, that hurts. Son of a bitch!

Hey there.

How you doing, slugger?

Sorry I left like that. I just needed to clear my head.

So, this Shiki, what's her story?

Well, I've been in love with her for 500 years, but she lives at an old

newspaper office.

Extra, extra. The headlines read heartbreak.

I'm sorry. You're having a real moment. I fall back on shtick when I'm nervous.

Why are you nervous?

Well, I thought maybe there was something here between us, but...

It appears this Sheiky is the leading lady, and I'm just some cute girl with a

flask. Well, maybe my friends were right to lie to me. It's not like Sheiky and

I can ever be together.

It appears you're at your all -is -lost moment.

But I don't need to tell a storyteller that that's exactly when everything's

about to turn around.

What do you mean?

Well, it's sort of like my steamship comedy, Choppy Waters.

Darla thinks all is lost when the hero, Frank Waters, falls overboard. But do

you know what happens at the end of the picture?

No, what?

No idea. Before I finished the draft, Lucille Ball punched me at El Coyote and

killed the project. The point is, now is not when you give up. Now is when you

go get the girl.

Okay, but how?

Just think outside the box. And whatever you do, don't tell Lucille Ball she's

had too many tamales.

Huh.

Think outside the box.

So, how was party?

Though not, no, because...

Thor not there.

What are you talking about? You were there.

We spoke.

No, no. Thor only briefly popped in to see people's reaction to Thor's glaring

absence. What?

Thor revenge bell on you!

Boom! Revenge bell? Thor, what the hell is going on?

What's going on is you missed Thor's thousandth birthday party, so now you

suffer consequences.

Wait, you're mad at me about some party that took place 50 years ago?

Yes! You missed the biggest party of Thor's life.

And it's hard to say but easier because Thor do much work at therapy, but it

hurt Thor's feelings.

Wow, big guy.

You've been stewing on this for decades.

I had no idea.

Is this why you always make fun of my hat? No, that unrelated fashion opinion.

But tell me, why you skipped Thor's party?

The truth is...

I was a young ghost.

I was still getting used to this crazy situation we're in.

And going to a thousand -year birthday party, it just felt like a difficult

reminder that I could be stuck here for a very long time.

So I bailed.

I'm sorry, Thor.

A thousand years is a long time, but it better with friends.

Very true.

You know what?

I have an idea.

Thor has those, too, sometimes.

Look at us.

Much in common.

How about you and me go on a friend date, just the two of us?

You can meet me at the fountain later and tell me about everything I missed at

your birthday party.

Thor -like.

And you could tell me everything I missed at your party.

But again, you were at my party.

Only briefly, so round down, too. Not at party.

All right.

You win this one, big guy.

Yes!

The wind in Alberta's face.

But also excited for our fountain friendship hang later on.

Seth, we just wanted to say again how sorry we are. We were trying to help,

it wasn't right. And again, no one brought me up to speed, and I can't see

hear ghosts. Moving forward, I will try not to enter a room while talking. The

thing is, we just want you to be happy.

Look, everyone, it was messed up what you did, but I get why you did it, and

it's all gonna be okay because I am gonna get to Sheiky. What are you

about? Joan gave me a little bit of inspiration.

Oh, I just gave him the setup.

Sass had the payoff.

You just need to think outside the box, or rather, inside the box.

And the box I'm talking about is the ghost trap.

Will that work?

Huh. Jay, Sass thinks that he could use the ghost trap to get to Sheiky?

Interesting, because the ghost can't cross the boundary.

Well, shut up, Peter. But once inside the trap, maybe that overrides the

boundary somehow.

So it's settled.

I'm going to try to cross the boundary in the ghost trap.

Will it work? I don't know.

Could things go wrong?

They could. Does this man desperately need to get some?

He does.

Talk about a cliffhanger. You're going to love it out there. I swear to God,

Peter.

Okay, Sam said I'm supposed to come out here and give Thor a message from

Alberta. You don't revenge bail on me.

That's the message.

Alberta? I don't totally understand the context. Again, I feel like I'm

operating with sort of incomplete information.

This is not over.

The battle of wits rages on.

Anyway, I'm gonna go watch some basketball.