Original subtitles

And here are your tickets to Acapulco. You guys are going to have one heck of a

honeymoon. We can't wait.

And these are non -smoking. Yeah, I've pulled two rows behind the smoking

section, so you should be all good.

Oh, the resort is incredible, too. Make sure you bring lots of coins for the

payphone in case you want to...

Have you seen it? You've got to see it. I wept.

Hey, Vinny, I'm just helping out these two lovebirds. I'll be right with you.

Just swing them by to grab those travelers' checks, Pete. Totally. Got

right here.

Hey, you guys have so much fun, okay? And send me a postcard. Now, beat it!

Oh!

Have you listened? You've got to listen.

Talented artist, better man.

And now you add your cup of Dr. Pepper.

Pete says to add the Dr. Pepper now, Jay.

It feels wrong, but it smells all right.

What's going on?

Jay's making Pete's legendary arrabbiata sauce.

Fun fact, arrabbiata actually comes from the Italian word for angry, which is

what people would get when we ran out of it at Sunday night dinner, partly

because they loved my sauce so much and partly because they were all tanked on

riuniti. Okay, that's amazing. I wish I could put this on the menu.

Well, why can't you? What about some sort of Italian -Indian fusion thing?

Yeah, like a garlic naan with an arbiata dipping sauce.

Ooh, I could do different dishes to honor each ghost, like a samosa knish

Trevor or collard greens paneer for Alberta.

Uh -huh.

What? What is it? Thor's pitching Ram's testicle masala.

His obvious and winning combination.

Okay, well, that's an idea.

Sam, I don't know about putting my sauce on the menu.

Pete's not sure about you using his sauce on the menu.

Oh, man.

It's just that it's actually an old family recipe of Carol's. When we got

married, she made me promise never to share it with anyone.

And did she keep all her wedding day promises?

Fair point.

Objection withdrawn.

Pete says now he's cool with you using the sauce because of Carol sleeping with

Jerry. Okay, I feel like I missed some context, but I'll take the W. Thanks,

Pete. Carol also lay with Thor, but that more of a hero move on Thor's part.

You're welcome.

Trevor, I think we should discuss next steps for our new power friends

Right, the thing where we team up to manipulate the others for our mutual

benefit. I had a thought about what our first project could be.

Getting Flower to move out of my room.

And then on day two, the Grateful Dead played.

They were late to come on stage because their sound guy, whose nickname

ironically was Bear, wanted to make sure everything was good with the electrical

because of all the rains, which you never even hear about.

I do.

I hear it quite a bit.

I get not wanting a room with flour, but that seems more like a you thing than a

we thing. And what are you two talking about?

The ladies have tried dealt.

What? Nothing.

We're just catching up. More importantly, how are you two?

Enjoying the 21st century.

Lately, you two seem to be lurking in a lot of corners and having some very

hushed conversations.

We don't want to jump to any conclusions, but...

You two romantically entangled again?

What? No.

We're just friends. Normal friends.

And what concern is it of yours?

We just remember what it was like. The sneaking around, the breaking up, the

getting back together, the big public blow -up. And then we'd get dragged into

all the exhausting fallout.

Treb would come whining to me whenever you do something thoughtless.

It was a lot. And I like drama. Me too.

But not all this drama. Well, there's nothing going on.

I pray you're telling the truth, because you two getting back together would be

a disaster on the scale of the Sugar Act, which was very bad.

Oh, did they make you pay tax on sugar?

And molasses, which were used in many products. It was a grave injustice.

Yes, the 18th century was very difficult for white male landowners.

Oh, thank you.

Peter, this Arabiata fusion dish is a smash. I'm just glad I could help Sam

Jay. I know how important this restaurant is to them. Speaking of

nice things for friends, here come Carol.

Pete, we need to talk.

Did you really give Jay my family's sauce recipe?

Yes, Carol, I posthumously shared a sauce recipe. Big whoop. Excuse me,

I'd like to speak with the chef.

Yes, sir.

Oh, God.

Why does that guy look so familiar?

Pete, that's my cousin Anthony.

Little Anthony?

I haven't seen him since he was 10.

Hi, I'm Chef Jay.

Welcome to Mahesh.

It's very good.

It's also very familiar.

Well, thank you. Yeah, it's supposed to be like home cooking. That's what we're

going for. I don't think you're following me. I'm saying you stole my

Excuse me? My name is Anthony Randuzzo.

I'm the proprietor of Anthony's Trattoria.

Look, sir, I've never been to your restaurant.

Jay, just apologize. Go back in the kitchen. You do not want to cross with

man. What? He was always such a sweetie pie. Easily bribe -able with a lollipop.

Although, that info may be dated.

I'm going to make this simple.

You're going to take this sauce off the menu, or else.

Or else what?

Or else I'm not going to be very happy.

Okay, well, you know what? That's what Yelp's for. Although, I will warn you,

sister personally responds to all negative reviews, and she studied

writing at Penn.

State Altoona campus.

Did not graduate.

Come on, Angie, we're leaving.

Let's just go on, Angie.

What is going on?

Pete, get with it.

Anthony's in the mafia.

You don't really think he's going to write a bad review, do you? That's the

of thing that can kneecap a new business.

That's not the kind of kneecapping you should be worried about.

So, you know how that sauce recipe you got from Pete was actually an old family

recipe of Carol's? No.

Well, it is, and the problem with that is it got so popular and it's so

that word got back to Carol's cousin Anthony.

The guy who Jay told to get lost?

And Anthony, in addition to being a restaurateur, is apparently high up in

local mafia.

How high?

He's head of it. And if Jay doesn't get that sauce off the menu, he's going to

be sleeping with the fishes.

He's the head guy, Jay.

Seriously? I'm going to have to go under witness protection.

All I did was make a sauce.

Just take the dish off the menu. Man, nothing ever goes right with this ghost

stuff.

Sounds like someone rethinking not going with Rams Tescos Masola.

Not too late. I just don't understand. How did Anthony get mixed up with the

mob? You really don't know any of this?

He was born into it. He's head of the Randuzzo crime family.

What do you mean? Randuzzo's your family. They weren't in the mob. They

travel agency. I worked there. The travel agency was up front, Pete.

It's where they clean the money.

What?

No.

Been a little bit of a hurry here, Pete.

Yeah, no problem. How much you looking to do this week in traveler's checks?

30 large.

Oh, great.

Vinny, we all good with that thing? Yeah, the thing is good. What thing?

Oh, wait a minute. Are you guys planning a surprise party for me? Can't get

nothing by you, Pete.

I'll take it in the back to come.

You know, I'm happy to help you bring stuff back there, Carmen. You don't go

the back, Petey.

Gabiche.

All right. All right, I'm the front man.

But I booked trips for people. Was none of that real?

It was a functioning travel agency.

But you were the only one doing any travel agent work.

So you're telling me that Vinny and Carmine and Fat Sal and Little Sal,

guys were in the mafia?

I mean, yeah, those names scream travel agent. I am sorry, Pete. I just assumed

you'd figured it out and never wanted to talk about it. So I was just a useful

idiot.

Oh, all good operations need one.

It's a vital position.

Day three of the festival opened with canned heat.

Interestingly, their lead singer was nicknamed the Bear, not to be confused

the Grateful Dead sound guy or the animal that devoured my corpse in return

hugging it. You know, Flower, I've been thinking.

Right on.

I do that too sometimes.

I want to preface this by saying I adore having you as a roommate.

But I'm starting to fear I'm being selfish.

What do you mean?

You're in a wonderful relationship with Thor, but it's being stunted by the fact

that you're living with me when you should be moving in with your beloved.

Thor has actually mentioned that he wants that, but I don't know. Moving in

together? It's a big step.

Flower, our relationship is like a shark. It must move forward or it dies.

That's from Annie Hall, which is a Jewish movie that Trevor once showed me.

mean, I don't want our relationship to die.

I died once. It wasn't great.

Then give it a shot.

And I will bravely carry on here alone.

Oh, and maybe don't mention to anyone that this is my idea.

It'll seem more special if it came from you.

It's already forgotten.

I believe you.

So, how did it go?

I went to Anthony's Trattoria. I talked to Anthony. I profusely apologized. I

told him we were going to take the dish off the menu, and I think we're good

now. This whole situation is so scary.

Oh, don't worry. If they really wanted to whack him, he'd be dead already.

That's comforting, right?

I just feel terrible. I mean, the last thing I want is for Jay to be whacked

by a bunch of mobsters.

Hi, Jay.

How are you doing?

This is Paulie. Yo. And Joey.

Nice place.

They're back.

This is not a good sign. The good news is, typically, the wives are off limits.

Hey, gentlemen, what can I help you with? Well, there was something I just

couldn't get my head wrapped around, and that was how it is exactly you came up

with the Arabiata.

Oh, I just came up with it.

Because there's this interesting coincidence. My cousin Carol... May she

peace. ...died here on your property not too long ago, and I was thinking, is it

possible that someone...

Went through her purse, found her recipe book.

Anthony, sir, we would never. We knew Carol. We were very sad about the donut

hole -related tragedy.

Yeah, look, guys, I just came up with the same sauce, okay? People come up

the same great idea all the time.

Armageddon and deep impact, a bug's life, an ant's. It happens.

Well, actually, ants was a ripoff of a bug's life. Streamworks rushed it into

production after they caught wind of what Pixar was doing.

That actually makes a lot of sense. Ants felt rushed. Be that as it may, I

didn't steal the sauce.

You sure about that?

Sam, it's going to be okay. You're young. You'll find somebody else.

We're just messing with you. No, no. We're good. We're good.

Yeah, totally.

Let's find a table. I'm starving.

Is it just the three of you?

Actually, we're expecting some friends.

We need a table for ten.

Oh, well, we can definitely accommodate you. It's just going to be a little bit

of a wait. I don't understand.

Does this man want to wear concrete shoes?

We don't do wait.

Okay, we'd like to sit down now.

How about that table over there?

Oh, well, they just sat down.

It's their 40th birthday party.

And?

And we'll move them.

Oh, gee, that's great. She gets it. I like this. She gets it.

All right, let's do it.

Out of the way.

Perfect timing. They're just about to decide which house they're going to buy,

the fixture in the good school district or the turnkey across from the drug

-ridden park. Oh, you've got to go drug -ridden park. I mean, that's just added

convenience.

Speaking of big real estate moves, we still have news.

Flower moving in to our room.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't just move Flower in here. For one, we don't

have room for three people. Are you kidding?

In the summer of 66, I lived in a Volkswagen with five other roommates.

And not the bus, the bug.

So, it's decided. We shall now fornicate in celebration.

No, no, no. You can't just make this decision on your own. That's a fair

Let's take a vote.

Yes, voting is bad.

Vikings have early form of democracy, which we call the thing or folk moot.

But we also like pillaging. Vikings very well -rounded.

All those in favor of me moving in?

Why now? Why is this happening all of a sudden?

I actually can't tell you whose idea it was because I promised Teddy I wouldn't

say. Flower very discreet.

Teddy.

This is a disaster.

They've gone through like 12 bottles of wine already. One of the gumas said she

wanted 10 racks of lamb to go.

Apparently they're hosting a fundraiser at Anthony Jr.'s school, which, you

know, is kind of sweet as far as extortion goes.

And they keep saying, put it on my tab.

Sam, I don't think they're going to pay their tab. He doesn't think the mobsters

are going to pay their tab.

Right, kid?

They ate Joanna Feinberg's 40th birthday cake.

And I believe she brought that from home.

Anthony blew out the candles, which frankly just seemed mean.

Well, they finally left. They did grab some art off the wall, told the waiter

put it on their tab.

Okay, well, at least they're gone and we made it through the night. Yeah, about

that. I heard them talking. They're planning on coming back tomorrow and the

next night. I was afraid of this.

This is just the beginning. This is how they do it.

This is how they do what, Carol?

They're going to bleed you dry until you need a loan.

They'll give it to you, and you'll have to take it.

Eventually, they'll own the place. And after they've squeezed every dollar out

of it, and there's nothing left to steal, they'll burn the place down for

insurance money.

Hmm. If only Peter hadn't shared that recipe.

I was just trying to help.

Oh, God. This isn't good.

What isn't good?

Sam? This is the beginning of the end.

Kiss your restaurant goodbye.

Oh, no!

Sam?

Carol, isn't there any way out of this mess? You know these people. Please, I

don't want to burn down my restaurant for insurance money, no matter how many

times I said I love good fellas.

It was a little violent for my taste.

Paw Patrol violence is your taste.

I don't like how they glorify the police, but I do love puppies, and they

that town safe.

Carol, please, can't you help us?

Well, there is one thing that might help you get out of this mess. But I can't

do it.

Sorry, Jay. Carol says she won't help. You never go against the family.

Enough. I'm your family, too, Carol.

And you lied to me for my entire adult life about our marriage. And apparently

my joke of a job.

No, it wasn't a joke. Let me finish, okay?

Because while we're on the subject, Sam and Jay are my family.

And I got them into this mess. And I need to get them out of it. But I need

help, Carol.

So please, for once, just be there for me.

I guess we could go on the run.

One of the cooks makes fake IDs for high school kids.

You're right, Pete.

This won't make up for everything I've done, but I owe this to you.

Now Carol says she will help.

I kept the books for all the family businesses, and just like the travel

they were basically fronts for laundering money.

Carol was a mob accountant. She kept evidence in a storage facility in case

things ever went south.

Like Charles Grodin in Midnight Run.

Totally. I was thinking the same thing.

How have you not seen that movie, Sam? It's a classic. I've been busy, Jay.

You've watched White Chicks three times in the past week. Sam, I'm going to give

you the address and the combination to the lock.

Thank you, Carol.

But promise me you will not look in the box that is labeled Tasteful Nudes.

You have my word.

Eddie, did you tell Flower to move in with me and Thor?

All I said was that she and Thor deserve to be together.

Okay, well, if you're so invested in their relationship, why don't you let

move in with you?

What? My room has but one bed. How would three people possibly share one bed?

Well, in the cult. Nope. Okay, then in the commune. Not relevant.

When I was dating Fleetwood Mac? It's not happening. I am not sharing a bed

a couple.

Well, I'm not sharing my room with Flower and Thor, and I'm not letting you

your own room as a result of all this, Mishigas. So here's what's gonna happen.

I'm moving in with you. What?

I suppose that is the most fair solution given the current dilemma. Uh -uh.

If you two start sharing a room together, it's only a matter of time

you're back together.

Alberta, we are more than capable of avoiding that particular pitfall. There

shall be no hanky. Nor pinky.

See, now, that's exactly what they say in a romantic comedy right before they

get back together. Well, it's happening.

Unless anyone else has a better idea.

It's moments like this that a hero must emerge, and I shall be that hero for the

sake of House Harmony. I surrender my private quarters to Thor and Flower.

And I shall move in with Alberta.

I don't love the idea of not getting my own room, but anything's better than

these two shagging up.

Can't get dragged into all this drama again.

So, we're getting Isaac's ring?

Who can live with that?

We'll miss performing in front of audience, but it's a small sacrifice to

for House Harmony.

What is this?

You're interrupting my meal. We just want to talk with you for one second,

Anthony. Ooh, that is a nice pot.

Yeah, I think I'm going to take that. Put that on my tab.

Actually, I don't think we'll be putting anything on your tab anymore.

Ooh, great line, Jay.

Anthony doesn't know it yet, but you'll see. What is that supposed to mean?

You'll see.

We have something else that we thought might be of interest to you.

These are the books for the Randuzzo family businesses, detailing decades'

of money laundering, enough to put you away for a long, long time.

Where did you get these?

We will be asking the questions.

We don't have any at this time, but when we do, we'll be asking them.

Not so tough now, are you, big guy?

He can't hear you, Pete.

That's why I feel comfortable yelling at him. We can ruin you with these books,

or you can leave us alone starting now. And we have photocopies of everything,

FYI, and if anything happens to us, the police will be notified.

Well, I don't know where you got them from. And I'm not admitting to anything.

But you got a deal.

So you'll leave us alone?

Yeah, well, get out of your hair.

But seriously, though, where did you get the pot? Because Angie's birthday is

coming up, and all I got is so far is that art off your wall. It's from

Sonoma, and I'll send you a link. Now, scram!

All right, sheesh.

Oh,

thank God it's over.

Well, I'm glad it all worked out, and I'm glad your business will survive,

if my life's work was a joke.

About that, we actually found something else while we were in the storage

facility.

What's that?

Jay?

Dear Pete, greetings from Morocco.

This was such a great trip.

You were right about that little tagine place around the corner from the hotel.

Thank you for going above and beyond.

These are postcards from your many, many satisfied and real clients.

There are hundreds of them.

Travel agency may have been in front, but you brought actual joy to people's

lives. You were a great travel agent.

Thank you, Sam.

Oh, God, we got a nude.

Oh, it's a nude.

Oh, that is tasteful. Beautiful bare -skin rug.

Oh, it's incredible having my own room. I can stay up all night watching reruns

of MTV Spring Break.

Man, to die in Daytona, that's the dream.

I haven't heard a single Grateful Dead story in days. I am in heaven.

Power friends.

What was that?

Nothing. It's strange.

It's almost like you guys are up to something.

Oh, no.

The wheels are slow and wobbly, but they are turning.

Let's stay very still. She can't put it together without our help.

Oh, my God. I know what happened. You two orchestrated this whole roommate

reshuffle so you'd end up with your own room.

That's absurd. That's not even a word.

Well, what I'm thinking is...

Hedy convinced me to move in with Thor to initiate a fake fight with Trevor

led to the threat that you two would move in together, thereby filling the

with your unbearable romantic toxicity, which you knew Isaac and Alberta would

do anything to avoid, up to and including moving in together to free up

room for Thor and Flower, a .k .a. me, thereby leaving each of you with your

rooms. A perfect plan executed seamlessly, and you almost got away with

except... Wait.

What were we talking about?

Woodstock.

Oh, right on. Yeah. Jefferson Airplane had this dog that was so shaggy, they

called him the Bear.

Now, keep in mind, this is completely unrelated to the sound guy for The

Grateful Dead, or the lead singer of Canteen, or the Beast of Maltby to