Original subtitles

How long has it been?

April 13th, 2009.

No way.

You sure?

Well, I can't be 100% sure, since I don't know what you're talking about.

Wanda, has it been that long?

Oh, at least.

We're talking about the last time we took a shower, right?

Oh, that was Tuesday.

No, Monday.

No, I was asking how long it's been since anything exciting has happened around here.

Well, that guy came through town a couple of months ago, wearing a tuxedo,

on his way to a wedding or funeral or something.

It's probably a wedding.

I mean, you don't wear a top hat to a funeral.

I don't know.

I mean, if you didn't like the guy, you might pull out all the stops.

I mean, nothing exciting ever happens around here.

Open that jail!

Put the money in the bag!

Money, now!

Okay, okay.

Did you bring your own bag?

Otherwise, I gotta charge you a nickel.

Well, how would it be I blow your head off and charge you 50 cents for the shell?

Well, that's not a fair comparison at all.

Whoa!

Money!

Money!

Money!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Where'd you learn how to do that?

I've only seen every Jean-Claude Van Damme movie like a hundred thousand times.

I'm more of a Jackie Chan kind of guy.

Never bring just one gun to a robbery.

Okay.

No more violence.

Wanda, are you okay?

I know it.

You should not have done that.

Yeah!

Wanda, I can't believe-Let's try it, Wanda!

Britt!

Wanda's a...

You're a robot too?

No, you idiot.

I'm just bionic.

Wolfman!

Finally get to see a robot fight a werewolf.

Baggage four, five, six, eight, seven.

Baggage four, five, six, eight, seven.

Will be dispensed on carousel two.

Baggage for flight six, eight, seven will be dispensed... Laser fur!

Are you Hank Yarbo?

Oh, uh, are you a newspaper lady?

Tina Fuller, the national star?

Hank Yarbo.

Yes, we established that.

Oh, yeah, right.

Shall we?

Oh, yeah.

Three days, I heard every joke.

I heard everything you say.

You think there's not a lot going on.

This must be pretty, uh, exciting for you.

Traveling around the country, judging the quaintest town in Canada contest.

It's my lifelong dream.

Yeah?

Well, none of them can be as quaint as Dog River.

I've been here my whole life.

It's awesome.

That's not a very welcoming sight.

Oh, that's neat.

You know, sometimes accidents happen.

This is insane.

I don't know what you people consider quaint, but this is... Who was that?

That was Brent LeRoy.

He used to be my best friend.

What the hell is going on here?

Well, it wasn't always like this.

It all started not so long ago.

Are you gonna tell me the story?

Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.

It all started not so long ago.

Why does it keep doing that?

I don't know.

It's not the bulbs.

Because electrically, I don't know.

Does anyone know why the power keeps going out?

It's complicated.

You don't know.

I don't know.

Or do I?

Hey, have you guys seen this article in the National Star?

Canada's quaintest community.

Don't you think Doug Rivers should be in this?

Yeah, maybe.

You should enter us.

Well, obviously, I can't enter us the way the town is now.

The grass hasn't been mowed, garbage is piling up.

So don't enter us.

Problem solved.

No, but it comes with a $75,000 prize.

And think about the tourist benefits.

You guys, this town is falling apart.

Nobody's doing anything about it.

Fitzy's gonna get an earful at the town meeting today.

Town meeting?

Honestly, can we go two minutes without some idiot doing anything?

An idiot calling a town meeting?

What is it this time?

Is it the triangle manhole covers again?

Because what does that even solve?

Stop complaining.

You and I are local business people.

We need to be there.

And you need to pay attention, Brent.

No comic books.

Fine.

Then you can't wear any stylish contemporary...

You're hard to insult.

Oscar.

What?

I'm watching Surviving with Ivan.

Surviving with Ivan.

After you sharpen branch and to raise a point, you

can harden it in the fire to make deadly weapon.

When do you get your butt off the couch and go fix something?

The water and the power broke all over town, and I fixed the car.

It broke again while I was fixing it.

We need a new one.

No, what we need is someone to fix the car who knows what they're doing.

That's a direct insult to my masculinity.

I know how to fix stuff.

I just learned how to make a deadly weapon out of a stick.

If that idiot already has a 10-inch booty, why does he need a pointy stick?

Okay, three, two, fire!

You were too low.

You didn't allow for droppage.

Droppage?

Droppage.

Gravity, whatever.

Yeah, I think gravity's the one that caught on.

Anyway, shouldn't we be out on patrol?

Nope.

Fitzy says we're using too much fuel.

I think it's to save the ozone.

Or is it polar bears?

Hey, guys.

Fitzy, how can we do our job if we can't patrol the town?

Watch out the window.

Listen.

I just popped in to say a quick congratulations to Davis.

25 years of service with the DRPD.

I wanted to get you a cake and champagne, but didn't.

Anyway, enjoy your retirement.

Thanks.

Whoa, Davis is retiring?

Who's retiring?

Yeah.

When you signed your last contract, you ticked the box for a 25-year term,

with the town having the option to renew it at the time.

Which is now.

Which is no.

So you're gonna just kick him to the curb after, like, a zillion years of hard work?

Not a zillion.

25.

And I don't want to retire.

I'd love to keep you on, but times are really tough.

Anyways, I gotta be somewhere.

Man, I cannot wait for this thing to be over.

Not me.

I love town meetings.

Full of opportunities.

You know, people debate.

Decisions get made.

New rules get...

made.

Sharp Guy can see the angles and make a few bucks.

Yeah, Sharp Guy, why don't you pay your tab?

Okay, let's just all pipe down, all right?

Don't draw attention.

No questions, no comments.

Everybody just zip up and lay low so this thing can wrap up ASAP.

ASAP?

What are you, from the 80s?

My formative years, yes.

Is it hot in here?

I'm always too hot.

Except when I'm too cold.

Sometimes I'm both.

Plus pukey.

Must be tough on your husband.

Window open, window closed, pukey, not pukey.

He's stationed on the coast of the Mediterranean.

I'm pregnant in Dog River, so it's tough on him.

Tough on one of us.

My seventh grandchild.

Good for you.

Isn't he adorable?

They grow up so fast.

Some more than others.

Don't worry.

You'll be a grandparent one day, too.

Brent will find someone sooner or later.

I mean, if his father could.

Hey, where's Fitzy?

I mean, he calls a town meeting and he doesn't show?

Yeah, we may as well wrap this up.

Good work, everybody.

Uh, Fitzy didn't call the meeting.

I did.

You did?

Oh, well, good.

It's about time somebody called one of these things.

I called this meeting today because I think I speak for everyone when I say

there are some major concerns with how this town is just falling apart.

That's for sure.

Absolutely.

The power, the water, garbage is just piling up.

You know, and Dog River could be really quaint.

I mean, maybe even one of the quaintest towns

in Canada, if we really pulled it together.

What do you think?

Oh, anyway, I have this idea.

Lacey's right.

Where's Fitzy?

Yeah, where's Fitzy?

There he is!

Hey!

Fitzy!

Let me get this straight.

You invested the town's money in real estate?

In Detroit?

It was really cheap.

I didn't think it could get any cheaper.

It can, by the way.

How much did we lose?

Somewhere in the neighborhood of all of it.

Everything?

That explains the water and the power, then.

I've been using the contingency fund to keep the power on, but that's all gone.

And the water pump is on its last legs.

So how much debt are we talking about?

Ballpark?

A hell of a lot.

It shouldn't be that much for a stupid ballpark.

Oh, sit down and play with your stick.

This is insane.

We didn't even have the money to begin with.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

So what happens now?

Well, we really only have two choices here.

One, we unincorporate the town and Dog River basically disappears.

Or...

Three dusty boots in a row and we're back in business.

I got a couple of dusty boots for you.

You wonder why I don't like town meetings.

This isn't good.

That's what you get for ordering clam chowder in the prairies.

Not the soup.

The situation.

If we have to leave, it'll be far away from our only

son and his future wife and our beautiful grandchildren.

What grandchildren?

We're not going anywhere.

We're staying here and living off the land like our ancestors.

You're grandmothers.

My grandfather died in a go-kart accident.

Oh, Brent, talk some sense into your father.

I don't think there's enough words.

We might have to move and sell the house while there's still value in it.

He wants to stay, do nothing.

Not do nothing.

Fish with a spear.

Well, for what it's worth...

What's the matter?

It's just a shock to the system whenever I agree with Dad.

Okay, listen, everyone.

I just got off the phone with Brian Rainville.

He's a plumber in the city.

He gave me a quote to fix the water problem.

Now, it isn't cheap, but if we all pitch in, then...

A few hundred dollars each to have clean running water is too much to ask?

Listen, people, this town is going to be nonexistent if we don't do something.

You know, I think we'll probably be okay.

The key is not to panic and overreact.

Ah, screw hiring someone.

We have to learn to fend for ourselves.

I'm pretty handy with a wrench.

Unless he tries to use it as a wrench.

Are you questioning my abilities?

No, Dad.

When it comes to your abilities, none of us has any question.

Sure, laugh it up.

You won't be so smart when the four Norsemen

of the apocalypse come riding down Main Street.

Oh, come on.

We all have to pull together, people.

Anybody like to volunteer to mow public spaces?

Unbelievable, these people.

Davis, I don't know if anyone explained to you what

retired means, but you get to not be here anymore.

I just came by to pick up a few of my things.

Besides, I'm not really retired with no pension.

Now I gotta find another job.

Like what?

Well, I don't know.

I thought maybe we could, uh, put our feet up and

kick back and you can help me think this through.

Sorry, I've got a family to support now.

If Dog River shuts down, I'm gonna have to get a cop job somewhere else.

And no one is gonna hire me if my ticket quotas are so low.

So no more games, naps, or matinee movie days.

Here it is.

But I brought ice cream.

I can't stand around here eating ice cream.

Now,

what are they feeding you?

Man, people are losing their marvels after that town meeting.

Well, people fear what they don't understand.

You must be perpetually terrified.

We entrepreneurs always say that when a door opens, it's time to close the window,

uh, of opportunity.

I got a ton of ideas on how to capitalize on this.

And with my brains and your money, we can't miss.

Yeah, but you don't have my money or much of the other stuff.

Wheels are turning.

Like, uh, we could set up a pipeline.

You know, like, for oil, but for water.

From a place with water.

And so then we would have the water and we'd be the ones charging for that water.

That's just one idea.

That's not an idea.

That's just you saying the word water 12 times.

Now I gotta pee.

Wait, so you're telling me you're not gonna invest in my ideas?

You come up with an actual idea, I'm all over it.

Hey, here's an idea.

Why don't you fix the leak in your truck?

Then you won't have to keep buying this oil.

Oh, uh, I'll get you.

Hey.

I hope you don't mind me taking these boxes.

I'm taking them anyways.

Just hope you don't mind.

What do you need all these for?

To pack for my move.

Move?

Don't tell me you're buying into this Dog River's Dying Crap.

Well, I didn't make this decision lightly.

I gotta think about my kid and scrounging up the deposit for his tuition.

My cousin says I can stay with her for a while, and she'll help.

She'll even get me a job at a dry-cleaning shop.

Well, look, I'll give you a raise.

25, no, 30 cents an hour.

Every hour.

Oh, that's a generous offer.

Actually, it's pathetic.

But it's heartfelt.

Well... Well, you can't have these.

They have red licorice in the city.

Maybe, maybe not.

Soup, sandwich, and a coffee?

Every day?

Oh, come on, Mike.

You're hauling garbage, not plutonium.

Lookit, we all have to do our... Oh, is that the way it works?

You think it's gonna be?

Fine!

You suck, Mike!

What about you?

You wanna haul garbage?

Oh, no, I've been there, done that.

I'm focusing my energies on money-making ideas.

You know, big ideas, like a...

petting zoo.

Or a...dude ranch.

Or maybe a zoo where you pet dudes.

You know, I think that that's more of a big city idea.

Oh, come on.

No.

I'd like to help you out, but I can't house-fit for you.

Especially with the power out.

Power is out, isn't it?

You're not...

coming out of me, are you?

I need to get out of town.

Clear my head.

And don't worry about the power being out.

I got a couple gas generators out back.

One of them's already juicing my garage.

Watch this.

This is a garage?

It's like Frank Sinatra's Rumpus Room.

It's my man cave.

Did all the work myself.

I even sound-proofed it.

Watch this.

Ah!

Zombies are up!

Impressive.

And freaky.

Oh.

Well, I would really like to help you out, but it's just...

That's just, uh... I'll pay you.

There you go.

You know, it's like pulling teeth to get anybody to help out.

The power's out, and then some lunatic vandalizes the house.

I don't know how to utilize the water pump.

Stupid wrench!

At least it sort of worked before.

Now it's completely ruined.

Well, maybe things aren't as bad as they seem.

Nope.

They're bad.

Real bad.

I mean, sure, the town will flop around gasping for

air like a fish on a flat rock, but eventually...

Thanks, little Miss Sunshine.

Whoa.

What the hell?

This is a... Uh... A joke, right?

Phil's probably hiding and laughing somewhere, right, Phil?

Phil?

We can do without power and water.

But booze?

This just got real.

That's it.

That's the last straw.

Lacey.

Lacey, wait.

Hang on!

I know a place we can drink.

One Orion winter, four bucks.

There's five?

Keep the change.

Unintentive.

Hey.

Hey.

Uh... Look, I know things seem kind of bad right now, but everything will work out.

It always does.

No.

It doesn't, Brent.

I know you have this Zen, Buddhist, Winnie the Pooh, kind of

look-the-other-way-and-Freddy-Kruger-can't-hurt-you

type of philosophy.

And it is really very charming.

But sometimes charming isn't enough.

You know, no one is lifting a finger to save this town.

And I don't know what to do.

And I feel like I just don't have any other choice but to start looking in other

places to open a diner.

You mean like other towns?

You mean move?

What choice is there?

Lookit, can you, um, just blow out the candles when you leave?

What are you doing?

Looks like trespassing.

At ease, Copzilla.

I'm just cleaning off the steps of my bar.

What the hell are you talking about?

Your bar?

Be quiet.

Let him explain.

What the hell are you talking about?

Your bar?

This old hotel bar has been part of Dog River since long before I was born.

Doesn't seem right to just let it die now, so I bought it.

But... You usually... I usually sit these things out, I know.

Mainly because I spent my entire life watching

you people turn molehills into mountains.

And I was hoping that this was just another one of those things, but it's not.

And sometimes, in this life, you have to pull

yourself up off your can and do what needs to be done.

Especially once you realize what's really important.

Well, Brent, I think we're all, uh, deeply

touched by, uh, how important booze is to you.

No, the bar is a metaphor.

You're missing the...

Look, I bought the bar because I love this stupid town.

And I love the life we have here.

And I, for one, think it's worth fighting for.

Attaboy, Brent!

Also

entered us into the Quaintest Town in Canada contest.

What the hell is that?

It's a contest to find the quaintest town in Canada.

It's pretty self-explanatory.

Plus, it has a $75,000 cash award.

We need that money to pay off our debt and to fix the water pump.

Lacey, we could really use your help to quainterize the town, if that's a word.

And if you're still willing to help us.

No.

No?

Quainterize isn't a word.

But, yes, I still want to save this town.

Okay.

Okay, everybody, we only have two weeks to pull this off, so I'm going to need a lot

of people to volunteer to form a quaintification committee.

I don't think that's a word.

Oh, wait a minute.

Yesterday, you were all doom and gloom, and now you're joining some committee?

Well, look at him.

Yes.

Brent is taking responsibility for the first time in his life.

We have to support him.

We?

Yes, we.

There is serious money to be made in this town-going-to-hell business.

It's a waste of time.

Our chances are slim.

Slim's better than none.

Thanks to this man right here.

Why?

What did Slim do?

He stepped up and bought the bar.

What the f... Whoa.

That's a little bit hasty, don't you think?

What do you care?

I thought you were planning on leaving.

What kind of person would I be if I just up and abandoned this town when it is

ripe, rife with troubles?

You're sticking around?

Well, Wanda, this is awesome.

This place wouldn't be the same without you.

Hey, could you clean the coolers?

What?

I'm going to need you to run things around here if I'm going to fix up the bar.

Now we're going to need a lot of materials.

Paint, brushes, garden supplies.

Whatever we can't find, we'll have to buy.

First the politicians rob us blind with their Fonzie schemes, then you come up

with some harebrained idea that has us throwing good money after bad.

Oscar, what bad money?

No one's put any money in.

Oscar, if we're not going to help God, we're

going to have to go away and sharpen a stick.

Oh, I'll do more than sharpen a stick.

I've got survival prepping to do.

Oh, dear.

Emma, are you going to be okay without Oscar here?

Sorry.

I couldn't resist.

That's a good one.

Okay, let's get Quentin.

Yes, yes, I know we owe the power company money, and we have a detailed plan to pay

you back, but our plan requires us to have the power on first.

Yep, that's what we in the business call a real pickle.

Okay, well, I'm just wondering if we can apply for a stay

from our debt just long enough for us to implement our plan?

Can't apply for a stay over the phone application.

It has to be in writing.

Then there's the review process and blah, blah, blah.

Whoa, did you actually just say blah, blah, blah?

Not very professional.

And not paying your power bill list.

Thanks for calling.

You know, for a guy on vacation, you don't look very happy.

Weren't getting you down?

I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but shut your face.

Will.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that.

I'm just going through stuff.

So I just came out here to catch the biggest fish on Lake Kalawanka.

That's Katatonka.

Whatever.

Katatonka was a legendary warrior who died on the shores of this lake in 1817.

No one knows how he died because no one was with him.

There was no wounds on his body.

Some say the spirit bear came and devoured his soul.

Others say a great eagle swooped down, and with his mighty talons he...

Probably had a heart attack.

Jeez, you might be on to something there.

Legend also has it that he ate a lot of red meat.

Huh, we never thought of that.

Say, you're pretty good at solving mysteries.

What is it you say you did back home?

It's not what I did.

It's what I'm gonna do.

Can you take me back in the shore, please?

Uh, gladly.

I hereby declare the bar officially reopened.

Hey!

Candles are a nice touch.

Classy.

Well, the power's out.

Classy and practical.

I got some big news, too, but I'll tell you later.

Don't want to steal your thunder.

Hey, Mr. Big Shot Bar Owner.

The place looks great.

Thanks.

It was a lot of work.

Mostly cleaning up mouse poop.

An alarming amount of it, actually.

You know, I never really mentioned this earlier, but I think

it is really amazing how you manned up and bought this place.

Well, thank you.

Even though I do find the term manned up to be a tad sexist.

Deal with it, dollface.

Cheeky.

It's so obvious.

Of course it is.

What is?

Brent and Lacey.

They should be a couple.

If Brent wasn't so thick, he'd see that Lacey wants

to meet someone, get married, have grandchildren.

Or children.

I mean, children.

You really seem to be enjoying this.

Yeah, I am.

Owning a bar is kind of fun.

It's just like Ted Danson always led me to believe.

Well, I kind of thought there'd be more people here tonight.

Hey, I like your T-shirt.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, I'm my own iron-on kid at home, so I can make all kinds of custom shirts.

You know, whatever you guys want for a price.

He was just saying it's a cool shirt.

Yeah, well, my eyes are up here, you pervo.

Is the game on?

Sorry I'm late, boys.

Hey, nice T-shirt.

Oh, you boys.

Oh, everyone, drink up.

The night is young.

Hey, hey, hey.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were on a fashion trip.

I came back early.

What's going on?

It's a surprise welcome home party.

Really?

Surprise welcome home.

Oh, you guys.

I cut my trip short.

How did you... So, did you catch any fish?

Better yet.

I caught an epiphany.

Is that some kind of trope?

No, it's my new job.

See, I take the skills I learned as a cop, and I become a private detective.

Good for you.

Yeah, I'm gonna sell the house, and I'm gonna move to the city.

Whoa, whoa!

You don't want to do that.

There's plenty of detectiving to do right here.

In Dog River?

There's no secrets here.

Everyone knows everyone's business.

There's a million mysteries.

Like...

Where's Phil?

You need to find him.

My first case.

Go now!

Before the trail gets cold!

All right.

Okay, so the cleanup is finished, and now we

are going to move on to the decorating stage.

Emma's out buying some plants, and as you can see, I've made some sketches here.

I think that we should...

Maybe we could put up some of those funny plywood silhouettes.

Oh, like the ones that look like someone's bum bending over in the garden.

What is with you people and plywood?

Bums?

Cowboys?

Butterflies?

No.

I'm sorry.

No plywood.

I think they're cute.

Well, you're mistaken.

Lookit.

All of the design sketches are here.

The flow chart is here.

We have a very short window to pull this off, and I hate to say it, but it just has

to be my way or the highway.

That doesn't sound like you hate saying it.

Hey, you want to doodle, do it in a notebook.

Napkins cost money.

Lacey, Lacey, Lacey.

Always worrying about the pennies.

And that is why I have more pennies than you.

Yeah, well, not for long.

I'm in the, uh, meeting phase and my get-rich-idea

is gonna pull this town out of the dumps.

I happen to have set up a little meeting with a rep from Cough Nuts.

Cough Nuts?

No.

The Cough Nuts?

We got coffee, we got doughnuts, sugar and caffeine.

Let's all go nuts!

Yeah, I'm gonna open a franchise.

Hank, are you insane?

In case you hadn't noticed, I sell coffee and doughnuts.

You sell more sandwiches and soups.

We got soup, sandwiches for your whole group.

Mind you, so do they.

Oh, well, competition's healthy.

I saw that on Biz Week.

You'll do well.

Me and Brent will do well.

Brent?

Brent's just the silent investor.

Oh, he is, is he?

Brent, listen, Hank just told me all about you two opening a Cough Nuts.

How could you, Brent?

You think this is funny?

Well, I think it's funny that after all the years of knowing Hank, you'd still get

upset about something that tumbled out of his head.

Oh.

Oh, God.

So he's not... Rational?

No.

I think I may have said something like, if you have a good idea, I'll get behind it.

But, Brent, he said that a rep from the company's coming here today.

He also says he's building a rocket in his garage.

Right.

Relax.

I will never, ever, ever invest in the Cough Nuts.

And to show your gratitude, you can finish up for me here.

I got a ton of stuff I gotta do at the bar.

Can you check the oil?

Huh?

No.

Can you?

I'm glad you called, Hank.

I can see a lot of community pride here.

It's a cute little town.

Oh, thanks.

Uh, we were shooting for Quaint, so I guess we're not quite there yet.

Or did we overshoot?

Is cute better than quaint?

All I know is it's a good pit for the Cough Nuts family.

So, really, all we need to discuss now is the, uh, the franchise fee.

The franchise fee?

I thought we just opened up and sold donuts.

No, fee is standard.

Is that a problem?

Oh, no.

I got my financial guy all lined up.

Good.

Cute, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Maybe I should talk to somebody about that.

We might be going in the wrong direction.

Oh, hello, my pet!

Or should I say one of my pets?

What the hell have you done now?

I had a little chat with Jeff Collins at the bar, and we swung a deal.

Go back and unswing it, and get rid of that horse.

Not likely.

That's the deal of the century, maybe even the decade.

Who trades a healthy horse for a broken-down car?

You traded the car?

Horses don't break down.

They run on grass and poop out fertilizer.

To make more grass, it's the circle of life.

It's survival 101.

How am I gonna get around and buy groceries?

Don't you see what's hooked up to his ass?

You may as well accept that, Emma.

You can't stand in the way of progress.

Only you would think that buying a horse and buggy was progress.

A private investigator in Dog River.

There are no secrets in small towns.

There are a million mysteries out there.

There's 500 people in town.

That's 2,000 mysteries per person.

I'm not a mathematician.

I'm a private eye.

And you, you're jealous.

Jealous?

Yeah.

Because I get to solve crimes, too.

And I'm not bound by any rules.

And I don't have to wear some dorky uniform.

What do you think?

Too much?

Depends.

Trying to look stupid?

Why rent an office in the basement of the police station?

Because a detective's office has to be dark and dingy to add credibility.

That's why I can't work at home.

Why don't you explain it all to me?

Whatever.

Oh, um, by the way, you're parked illegally.

There's a ticket on your windshield.

Oh, you should have seen this guy.

Hey, Brent, can we get another round of beer here, please?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll be right there.

Thank you, sir.

It was.

It was crazy.

Hey.

Sorry.

I overreacted to him.

I had to do the Hank's thing earlier.

I want to make it up to you.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

Oh, unless you want to run and get me a chili cheese dog?

Because I've been so busy around here doing everything, I haven't had a chance to...

Whoa.

How did you know?

Seriously?

Oh, you are awesome.

I've been so busy trying to fix up this dump, I haven't had a chance to eat.

There's loose floorboards.

There's torn carpet.

There's busted hinges.

Did I mention the mouse poop?

Yeah.

I'm starting to see why Phil sold this place.

Whatever happened to Phil, anyway?

I'll tell you what happened to Phil.

Since when do you smoke?

And since when do you think you can do it in here?

Detectives always have a...

Ah, fine.

I was able to track Phil down.

It wasn't easy.

But when you've been at this as long as I

have, you develop a nose like a bloodhound.

You pick up things others would miss.

Hey!

Gord said you're looking for me.

He figured the town was toast.

So he's pursuing his lifelong dream of being a lifeguard.

Like on Baywatch?

Exactly.

If Baywatch took place at a public pool in Moose Jaw.

Anyway, case solved.

Now there's just a small matter of my fee.

But we didn't hire you.

Did anyone hire you?

Not as such, no.

That would be the biz part of the detective biz.

Oh, it's food and market.

I never picked up on that.

I'm attaching all the letters so it looks quaint.

I still think food mart is cooler.

Anyway, here's your ticket.

Your, uh, K is blocking the sidewalk.

Pretty horse.

You have a horse.

I love horses.

When I was a little girl, I always wanted

one so I could brush it and feed it carrots.

Well, Scope's no little Sally handbag he can play dress-up with.

Scope?

May as well call him Listerine.

You should name him Socks or Snowflake.

All cool horses are named after gun parts.

There's, uh, there's Trigger and, uh, others.

Whose farm are you keeping him at?

I'm keeping him in our garage.

What are you feeding him?

Uh, table scraps, mostly.

That could make him sick.

But he eats grass, too.

That's like mowing, which we need to do for this quaint business.

What you're doing is illegal.

Oh, that's just nature.

You can't give a ticket to Mother Nature.

You're right.

No ticket.

I'm confiscating him.

What?

Come on, Socks.

Let's go get you a parrot.

You can't... You can't take my horse!

I have rights!

He has rights!

If the government outlaws horses, only outlaws will have horses!

His name is Scope!

Lacey.

Oh, hi, Emma.

I just want to let you know...

What a great job you're doing on the Quainting Committee.

Why don't you come to dinner on Tuesday night?

Aw, Emma, that would be nice.

Brent'll be there.

It'll be a family dinner.

Why did you put little quotation marks around the word family?

Because you are family.

Will seven be all right?

Well, seven o'clock is fine.

All right, I'll see you then.

Thank you, sir.

Yeah, no problem.

Hey, barkeep.

Your lunch is on the counter.

And, uh, dinner over.

We'll be at seven o'clock on Tuesday.

And wear something nice.

Lunch?

Double lunch day!

You know that big news I was gonna tell you about?

You want to bring a cough-nuts to Dog River.

I want to bring a...

Oh, word's out, huh?

Damn WikiLeaks.

Anyway, I'm gonna need that cash you promised for the franchise fee.

Well, first of all, I never promised you any cash.

Second of all, no.

Thirdly, uh, you're living in a dream world.

And fourthly, no.

You said you'd invest if I had an idea.

And now, just like that, you come up with four reasons not to?

Well, you gotta tell me what the idea is first.

I'm not gonna invest in something that's gonna jeopardize Lacey's business.

It's competition!

It's good... Doesn't anyone watch Biz Week?

I need this money, Brett.

I made plans because you said I could have it.

Forget it.

It's not gonna happen.

You know what this is?

Betrayal.

A broken vow amongst friends.

Former friends.

Here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, Brett Leroy and I are no longer friends.

I will never set foot in here again.

There's nowhere else to drink.

Who ordered the nachos?

She's a real beauty, eh?

Yeah.

Is she with anyone?

No, she's with me now.

Got her at a garage sale for two bucks.

I believe this is what you're looking for.

Nineteen dollars?

And an I.O.U.

for the rest.

Is this a joke?

I just figured, you know, we're almost family now.

And family lends money to family, right?

Sorry.

No fee, no deal.

Oh, come on.

I was counting on this Coughnuts franchise to bring money back into Dog River.

And it will.

We're so confident in this community, we're

planning on opening a franchise with or without you.

What?

Geez, have I got betray me written across my forehead?

Sorry.

It's just business.

Hank, he's right.

It's just business.

Yeah.

Although I am...

I'm surprised with your confidence in our little town, considering we're bankrupt.

Bankrupt?

No power, no water.

I thought you just blew a breaker.

This place is practically dead.

That changes everything.

Thanks for the info.

I will, uh... I'll see you later.

Oh, look it, Hank.

I know you were just trying to help.

Here's a napkin on the house.

Doodle up another idea.

Maybe think a little more about that dude zoo.

So now you can tell everyone how you feel about Dog

River with a snazzy new Ain't We Quaint T-shirt.

This quaintness stuff is stupid.

Well, then why don't you tell the world how you

feel with your very own Quaint We Ain't T-shirt?

Now you're talking.

I said hang the flowers five feet, seven inches off the ground.

Why'd you hang them so high?

I thought someone might bump their head.

Well, now no one can smell the flowers unless they're Shaquille O'Neal.

Who's Sha'Neal?

Oh, I think she won American Idol last year.

Tall girl.

Oh, she loved flowers.

We've been through this.

We don't have time for anyone to have ideas.

Just do it my way.

Emma understands.

Right, Emma?

Where's Emma?

I'll get you a horse back in no time.

Money well spent.

Money?

You mean I have to pay you?

Hello, scooter.

Or should I say one of my scooters?

Where the hell did you get that contraption?

Pat Gallagher's new and used cars and trucks.

You're a fool, Emma.

Falling right into Big Oil's trap.

It's electric, you idiot.

Maybe you should get a scooter, too.

You could call it Scope.

Electro-scope.

Giddy up.

Hey, Scope.

That's a boy.

Come on.

Good boy.

Okay, jump the fence.

Come on.

Here's another one.

Come on.

Jump the fence.

Ahh.

You lazy horse.

DRPD...

There's a prowler in my barn.

I didn't know... I'll be right there.

I'll be right behind him.

All right, what's your address?

Davis, what are you doing here?

Well, I got wind of a beanie.

How?

I keep my ear to the ground.

More like ear to the vent.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You got grill marks on your cheek.

You can't run around interfering in police business.

You're not a cop.

I used to be.

And now I'm doing something way better.

And people like me.

You're saying people don't like me?

Ticket Witch isn't a very flattering nickname.

And they don't use the word witch.

I'm just doing my job.

Like a real cop.

Which I never was under your command.

All we did was nap and play games.

Why are you in my barn?

You called the police.

Um, no.

Come on.

There we go.

Up your bows.

Go.

Oscar, get back here!

I don't know what to do!

I don't!

Need a lift?

Yes.

Well, good luck with that.

You want to buy our house?

I represent a client who does.

Even though the town is a broken water pump?

No power?

No money?

Yes.

Your client, is he a drinker?

Oh, so there's an offer price on the back of this card.

Just think it over.

And I'll give it to you.

That's what you are for.

All right.

I wouldn't say so, no.

It's time we Wow.

You know.

That's a wet Kanye.

That's it?

All right, all right.

It's my bus stop состо йо, I'm close.

That's it.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Whoa!

I'm sorry, you guys, but I thought I said the meeting was at 4.

It was.

We had an emergency meeting at 3.

We took a vote.

And you're out.

What?

You're too bossy.

Because I'm the boss?

You can't kick me out.

Quantification is my thing.

Actually, it's the town's thing.

It's going to happen without you.

That's fine.

If that's the way you feel.

Good luck with your plywood bums.

Lacey, I hope you know that had nothing to do with me.

I fought hard for you.

I nominate Emma for committee leader.

That could not have come at a worse time.

We still on for dinner?

I'm out there busting my brains out trying to

manage two businesses, all so I can save this town.

And you're pulling drinkers away from me.

No.

I'm just pulling a few... Okay.

Yes, I am.

But that wasn't my intent.

I'm just desperate to make Tanner's tuition.

I'm sorry.

Well, alright.

Apology accepted.

But you gotta promise me no more booze box.

I promise.

Welcome everybody to the Silver Dollar Casino.

Uh, you spelled dollar wrong.

That's my last name, Dorcas.

Listen up.

There's no more booze.

I'm sorry, but I made a promise.

But on the plus side, coffee and pop is only five bucks.

House rake is ten percent.

Let's shovel up and deal.

Hi.

You must be the owner here.

Well, I should be, yes.

Well, I'm Sasha.

And I was wondering if you are interested in maybe selling your home.

My company would make it worth your while.

Oh, nah.

I'm kind of attached to my man, woman, cave, so...

Second of all, you called it a casino.

I'll do that.

Well, I'm really not interested in selling.

And this is a private party.

So, uh... Hit the bricks, toots.

Gentlemen, start your wagers and somebody crank the music!

Um, there's more of that good green stuff.

Just step in the loopy thing.

This is your lucky day, Bugsy.

Sounds like I got bigger fish to fry.

Jumpin'!

Judy, I thought you were a bear!

A Care Bear, judging by the look of that bow.

Hunger Games.

Starter set.

I suppose you're wondering what I'm doing.

Not really.

I'm just gonna assume it's something brilliant and move on.

I just came by to see if I could borrow some of your tools.

I need to do some repairs at the bar.

Help yourself.

I'm good with my Dutch Army knife.

Twenty-three tools.

Right here.

I count twenty-four.

Do the Dutch even have an army?

Who cares?

This baby does the job and it's way cheaper than that Swiss thing.

Greedy Swiss.

Well, as fun as this is, I gotta get going.

Oh, by the way, uh, Karen wanted me to tell you... that she took your horse.

I don't even know why you have a horse.

I'm just gonna lump it in with all this other magic.

Took my horse!

That...

Was that so hard?

Oh, hey, Mom.

I'm with Dad.

Just hangin'.

That would be really funny if you were here because he's act...

Yeah?

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Later, Rambo.

Mom says it's urgent.

Hey, hey, I could use a little help here!

Use your Norwegian Navy knife.

It's Dutch!

The Norwegians are useless!

So, are you getting any takers?

Not yet, but they'll come around.

First one to panic will sell and start an avalanche.

It's a shame, really.

Nice little town.

Well, yeah, but we're in the donut business, not the savor town business.

These people would have to be total idiots not to see this place as doomed.

It's just too bad there wasn't some other place to monopolize.

Coffee shop lady's cute.

So offer her a job.

Let's go see if we can get ahold of the town plans.

C.N.

Holdings?

Why would the railroad want to buy your house?

I don't know.

I don't want to sell, but there may never be another buyer.

Can we afford to miss this chance?

Just don't do anything yet.

Are you sure?

I mean, you might have to move.

Someplace nice with a special someone.

Did I mention Lacey's coming for dinner?

Just don't sell the house, okay?

If everything goes wrong, I'll buy it.

I'll match their offer.

Turnhole's closed.

Something I can help you with?

Yeah, we were hoping we could get a look at the town plans.

I could get you in there for a fee.

I'm a detective.

Hey, Jerome!

Come here.

Oh, look, if this is about the franchise fee, I really can't help you.

No, that's all good.

I just thought you might be interested in looking at another place to set up shop.

I mean, an even better place.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

I mean, if there was ever a place that deserved you guys, it's this one.

Our idiot son left me hanging in a tree.

And Karen stole my horse.

Thanks.

It's nice to hear some good news.

Please?

Look, you have to reconsider.

Without power, our town doesn't stand a chance.

Your town's a bad risk.

You have to pay outstanding debt first.

Isn't there something that you can do?

We have these nifty 3D magnets I can send you.

You turn them at an angle, and the light bulb goes on and off.

How would that even... Oh, God.

Bunch of red tape and bureaucratic bull crap.

Oh, my God, I'm starting to sound like Oscar.

What's this?

There are other ways to get power from the grid.

Other ways to get power from the grid dot com.

Is that even legal?

Well, it depends how you define legal, but... no.

Otherwise?

Anyway, where in town are they setting up the new cough nuts?

Oh, that's dead.

I killed it.

Huh?

Mm-hmm.

Well, then how come that Jerome guy wanted to look at the town plants?

He did?

Mm-hmm.

And then Hank showed up, and then they drove off somewhere.

Where?

Will you find him for me?

I'll pay you.

All right.

And so begins the case of where did Hank take that guy?

Great.

Can it begin now?

Mm-hmm.

Now?

Okay, okay.

Bossy.

What?

I am not.

Okay.

Woolerton?

Are you sure?

Yep.

Hank bought some oil, and then off they went.

Good to know.

Good to know.

Hey, Wanda.

Detective.

Officer.

Can I help you with something?

Maybe.

I'm hearing rumors about illegal gambling in New York.

You know anything about that?

No, but I am shocked and disgusted that this is happening.

I mean, if it's happening.

These are rumors, right?

Yeah, rumors.

Detective, it's a word on the vent.

Seriously.

If there was a sniff of a wager in this town, I would know.

My friends would tell me.

Well, that's good enough for me.

I trust this man's instincts 100%.

Okay.

Either of you know anything about where Oscar took my horse?

He took your horse again?

Yeah.

Just now, apparently.

Mr. Senate, bring me a treat.

So, uh, here it is.

Amazing, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's got everything, right?

You know, shops, uh, you know, trees over there.

Oh, look at that church-looking thing there.

Yep.

Everything but a cough nut.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

No, yeah, yeah.

No, I'm...

I'm just, uh, sickened by how much better this town is than ours.

Excuse me.

Hi.

I don't mean to interrupt, but we're putting on a

choir recital fundraiser, and we have two tickets left.

It would be so great to sell it out.

Well, we're not interested in it.

There you go.

Glad we could help.

It's starting soon.

We'll get you seated.

Here.

Oh, here.

Go ahead.

I'm right behind you.

Recital and... Yeah.

This dark hall is surrounded by pure evil.

Hello, stranger.

Davis!

What are you doing here?

You smoke?

Ha!

I was gonna ask you the same thing.

Not the smoke thing.

The other thing.

I'm trying to get Jerome to open up a cough nut's

here so he wrecks this place instead of Dark River.

Do you know what they want with the town plans?

The town plans?

No.

But I heard Jerome and that lady talking, and it didn't sound good.

I heard a...

I mean, I should probably go in there and try to find out, but I'm scared, Davis.

That place is full of...

People from Woolerton.

And they're singing.

Let's get the hell out of here and figure this out at home.

Yeah.

CN Transport.

CN Tower.

CNC Music Factory.

Aw, come on!

Give me a break!

Oh.

Thanks.

Okay, CN Holdings.

Oh.

Hello.

Oh, for the love of each!

I can't believe you missed dinner.

Huh?

Oh.

Oh, my God, I missed a dinner.

What have I become?

I know you're under stress, but this meal was important to me.

I'm sorry, Mom.

My mind is a million different places.

I'm up to my keister in debt.

Maybe even more.

My keister's pretty low.

And look at this place.

It's dead.

Yet you can sit around playing with your computer.

Well, this isn't Angry Candy or Birds With Friends.

I'm doing research on CN Holdings.

Hey, guys.

Whoa.

The power's back on.

What is up with that?

And just where the hell were you?

Nowhere near there.

Oh, Emma.

Dinner.

I'm so sorry.

I forgot.

I was, um...

Oh, man.

You know what?

I can't tell you where I was.

But the power's on.

And isn't that great?

You two are unbelievable.

I hope you have a good life.

And don't even try to stop by the Leroy's for leftovers.

There aren't any.

Oh, leftovers.

Damn it.

Brent, the lights are back on.

The power's on.

I made it happen.

And I did it.

Illegally.

Ooh.

I'm a criminal now.

And you're whispering because you think the place might be bugged?

Hey, listen.

Speaking of criminal activity, there's something weird going on around town.

There's a company named CN Holdings that's going

door-to-door offering to buy people's houses.

Who's CN Holdings?

They're a subsidiary of Coughnuts Incorporated.

They handle all the real estate transactions for the Coughnuts franchise.

Why would they be buying houses?

This is unbelievable.

What are you thinking?

If it was just my mom, how can there be no leftovers?

Focus.

Would you like some lemonade, sirs?

We're raising money for the less fortunate.

Oh, right, right.

Let me guess.

Your name's Les, and your name's Fortunate.

Seriously.

It's for a good cause.

Oh, sure.

Because you want the money.

You two sure are good at wordplay.

Is there a problem here?

Let's get the hell out of here.

More like, let's get out of the hell... here.

Enough of the wordplay.

Let's go.

Fitzy?

Hey!

Hey, I think I just saw Fitzy!

Davis!

Holy hell, what happened to your face?

I'm a gumshoe.

Danger comes with the territory.

What do you want?

Karen stole my horse again.

I want to hire you to follow her and get my horse back.

Oscar, we've already been through this.

I'm willing to pay you this time.

But I want a senior's discount.

I'll give you ten bucks now.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I think I saw Fitzy.

What was Fitzy doing there?

I don't know.

I mean, I was pretty focused on saving the ruby in Dog River.

Which you almost destroyed in the first place.

Lacey, could you please tell Brent that I refuse to speak to

him until he apologizes for screwing over his once best friend?

Apologize for what?

Your lousy memory or your delusions of grandeur?

Lacey, could you please ask Brent to leave my grandeur out of this?

All right, you know what?

Just stop it.

Both of you, we need to focus on what Coffnuts and C.N.

Holdings are planning for Dog River.

To turn it into a western divisional depot.

I just got a ride home from some very friendly people from Woolerton.

Very kind of creepy friendly.

They are creepy, aren't they?

Yeah.

What happened to your face?

Never mind his face.

What's going on?

Dog River just happens to be a nice geographical hub for western Canada.

C.N.

Holdings plans to buy up the town and use the

infrastructure for a huge factory and storage facility.

What?

That's like cartoon evil.

You weasel in the grass.

I knew that you were up to no good the first time I met you.

Wait a minute.

The only reason I'm here is because Hank called me.

I'm not scheming to ruin your little town.

Lacey told me Dog River was dead.

That's the only reason I call my bosses.

I like you people.

Personally, I hope you win this whole quaint town contest.

Survive.

Good for you.

Well, we're not going down without a fight.

Now, I've just had a very creepy and stressful ride back.

I could really use a drink.

Look, I'm here to support your bar.

In fact, I'll buy all the drinks tonight if you open up a tab for me.

What that?

All right, I'll open up a tab.

Only because I need the money.

And I like free drinks.

But I don't like you.

So I'm going to be serving you with this face.

Hey, Sandy.

Roll this.

It's risky.

Oh, hey.

At the Copa.

Copa Havana.

The hottest spot here to Kelowna.

Woo!

Music and fashion and guys with mustaches at the Copa.

That's not how it goes.

DRPD.

I'm shutting this place down, people.

Hit the bricks.

DRPD.

I'm shutting this place down, people.

Hit the bricks.

Hit the bricks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where do you think you're going?

Home.

That was my fourth show tonight.

My heels are killing me.

Illegal gambling is a serious crime.

Well, break me up for a parking infraction and we'll call it a day.

Wanda, don't push it.

Don't push it.

Pretty tough talk when your backup's a baby.

You know what really hurts?

It's that you and Davis lied right to my face.

Hell about Davis.

I hope you have a search warrant because...

Hey, there's a casino in my garage.

You seriously had no idea this was happening.

Oh, if there was a sniff of a wager in town, I'd know about it.

Man, doesn't get stupider than that.

Ah-ha!

Keeping my horse in a casino, eh?

Holy hell.

We got a casino.

Where the hell's my horse?

What are we gonna do now?

Drink as much booze as we can and run up Jerome's tab.

What?

No.

I mean, it's a casino.

What about the town?

Lacey, could you tell the bartender that I would like another drink?

Oh, tell him yourself.

Well, now you're just being rude.

Yes, that is a bottle.

You want two bottles?

You want to put sand in?

I don't know what you're saying.

Is little Timmy stuck in the well?

Oh, easy there.

You know what I've been thinking?

Uh-huh?

What is a girl from Toronto doing in a small town like this?

Well, I... You're smart.

You're pretty.

You deserve better than this.

You do.

From the first moment that I saw you, very first, I really thought you and I,

we clicked.

No.

No.

No.

Come on.

Sorry.

No click.

Or crackle.

Not even a pop.

It's more of a...

Oh.

Well, that's just because you're not giving me a chance.

Well...

Well, why can't you be more friendly?

I mean, why can't you be more like the people from Woolerton?

I think I'm in love.

Wow.

You're like a biker chick.

All right, buddy.

Here's your tab.

Time to go.

I'm not ready to go.

Well, I'm ready for you to go.

You're getting a little sloppy, so vamoose.

Or?

Or skedaddle.

Skurry.

Scoot.

I'll go when I'm good and ready.

As it turns out, I'm ready now.

It's a good thing he left when he did.

Yeah.

The last thing you need now is legal troubles.

That wasn't the sound of a door slamming, was it?

I'm a court temple, you're a Maserati You're the great one, I'm Marty McSorley

Hey, sorry, I don't think I can help you.

The pumps won't work when the power's out.

You're Brent Leroy?

Yeah.

Who's asking?

You're being sued?

I'm more surprised I got served like that.

I thought that only happened in movies.

So I guess you're gonna need a lawyer.

I can help you.

I think you've done enough.

But I have studied a ton of law cases.

Uh, Cohen versus Wojtowicz.

Barker versus Tunney.

I've seen Kramer versus Kramer like ten times.

Come on.

Let me make this up to you.

I think I'll stick with a professional.

We are going to submit the following evidence.

Contractor's quote showing that the hotel bar was in dire need of repair.

Photos of the location where the incident occurred.

A doctor's statement listing injuries sustained

as well as a psychological examination.

For undue stress caused by the resulting incidents.

Whoa.

Is this all from this case?

It is.

Yikes.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I just get the sweats.

Nerves.

I, um, I mostly handle pet-related law.

Bites, fecal damage.

Your ferret ate my canary.

Stuff like that.

You're wearing a tie.

Smart.

May I borrow it?

All right.

You're my lawyer.

Really?

Yes.

Let's do this.

Not guilty.

Okay.

Our case is up next.

Guilty.

Damn it.

I'm really sorry, Brent.

I really thought I could do this.

I just thought that if I could make this all disappear, then

maybe you'd forgive me for screwing up your bar business.

There's nothing to forgive.

You were doing it for your kid.

We're good.

Really?

Wow.

All the years I've known you, I don't think we've ever hugged.

Well, now you just made it weird.

Everything in my life, good or bad, has happened around this gas station.

That's all I know.

It's okay.

You're not just four walls and some pups.

There's a lot more to you than that.

Is that a fat joke?

Look, I'm sorry I disappointed you both.

I screwed up the sale of the house and now the gas station.

Generations of Leroy's have built this business from the ground up.

Actually, your great uncle won it in a card game.

It used to be a bakery.

The most important thing is we still have each other.

Friends and family are all that counts.

And money helps, too.

I called that realtor woman.

She's coming tomorrow to look at the house again.

What?

I got a family to take care of.

Wow, Dad, that is the most reasonable thing I've ever heard you say.

Besides, I can trap squirrels in the city.

Then there's the crazy.

Well, I guess it's just time to move on.

Or...

Jeez, Fitzy, where the hell did you come from?

I was crouching over there on the tall grass.

I didn't want to interrupt.

What were you doing in Woolerton?

I figured out a way to erase the debt, repair

the water pump, and get Dog River back to normal.

It doesn't involve the lottery?

No, no.

We can have our town back to normal if we...

agree to be annexed by Woolerton.

Annexed?

Annexed?

What does annex mean?

Oh, it's Latin for... Fitzy's an idiot!

Nobody's annexing anything, buddy boy!

I agree with Dad.

Oh, dear.

Did you see what those vicious bastards did to Hank and I?

Oh, wow!

Is there a problem here?

Ugh.

Ow!

Ow!

Were you two giving those nice men trouble?

What do you people want?

If we don't let them annex us, Koffnauts is going to bulldoze the town

and put up a big warehouse!

Never got my bulldozer first!

Okay, everybody, shut the hell up!

Stop!

We've forgotten about the contest.

It's not too late.

I mean, obviously our town isn't quaint, but it doesn't have to be.

All we have to do is fool that national star woman into thinking it is.

She arrives in six hours.

We can do it.

We can clean up this mess, run her down Main Street, have some pie and coffee,

and sweet-talk her big city hiney into giving us the title.

We just need to get along for one afternoon.

Lacey's right.

We may not be quaint, but we're tremendous liars.

I say we give this one last shot.

Who's with us?

In

state, Lacey, as chairman of the committee.

And Myrtle seconds it.

I do?

Yes, you do.

All right, then let's do this!

We already said we were going to do it.

All righty, then.

Someone threw a paintbrush on the ground That's how I learned about you Painting

the town when her mama said her job ain't her late I had a good time and it was her

mistake I got my head down sticking to the track I got no plan B cause that'll hold

me back I don't know Come make my house your home Come make my house your home

When this is over, you and I are going to square things away.

With my horse.

I legally confiscated that horse, so bring him back.

Back from where?

You stole him out in the woods.

Yeah, and then you took him back outside Corner Gas.

What the hell are...

Oh, I get it.

This is some dirty mind cop game.

I think you mean dirty cop mind game.

I think.

Why don't you get your own horse?

Like this one.

What the goose?

Emma!

Emma!

I'm sick and tired of you two sneaking around.

So I took Big Slick and made him my own.

And he's gonna be up front and center when that newspaper lady gets here.

Isn't that right, Slick?

His name is Socks.

Okay.

Just make sure Socks doesn't leave any donations on the street.

Something I can help you with?

Just, uh, got a spot of rust there.

You might want to keep an eye on it.

Will do.

What's with the shredded paper in the back seat?

Oh, I finally cleaned out the files in the back storeroom.

I always meant to do that.

I'm sorry what I said before.

You're a damn good police officer.

I'm sorry for what I said, too.

I missed nap time.

Lisey wants me to escort the National Star Woman with full lights and siren.

You should suit up and ride along.

Really?

Could be our last chance to be partners.

All right!

Okay, Davis, this isn't very cop-like.

I don't like this.

You got Scope all dolled up like some kind of glacier girl.

What are you doing?

He's a war horse.

He should march down Main Street all proud like.

But we need him to pull the wagon.

Get some of your flower cronies to pull the stupid wagon.

Honest to God, Dad, you're gonna get that horse or somebody else killed.

It's a T-shirt cannon, but I want to modify it to shoot confetti.

A T-shirt cannon?

Check this out.

Hey, Marvin, you want a T-shirt?

Better dial that back a titch.

Along the front bed, okay?

Hurry!

Oh, you guys!

I said wear band uniforms.

These are our band uniforms.

We do a John Denver medley.

Oh, well, I guess it's too late to change now.

Is that why you're wearing that?

Okay.

Listen, as soon as Hank gets here with the judge, start playing.

When the truck passes, fall in behind and finish at the Ruby.

Chop-chop.

I don't have any confetti.

Would rice work?

Couldn't hurt to try.

They're coming!

Here they come!

Just a few more.

Hurry!

Hurry!

I think we may have pulled this off.

I think we may have pulled this off.

Bag of rice was your idea.

I hope you're happy.

Scope is missing.

I can't deal with this right now.

I have to finish planting flowers.

My horse is missing, and all you can worry about is your stupid flowers.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Okay, buddy.

Let's you and me go for a walk.

Go!

Just turn on the light!

Remember this moment, Karen.

Today's the day that we save Dog River.

What are you doing?

You're smoking?

Well, hasn't anyone seen a detective movie?

Davis, I'm pregnant.

What?

Pregnant women can't watch detective movies?

What were you thinking?

Me?

You're the one that said you was right.

This is for shirts only.

See?

Whoa!

Whoa!

Throw the stupid cigarette out the window!

You okay, partner?

You hurt?

Where's that cigarette?

Do you feel dizzy?

Yes.

I know.

I'm sick.

I have a T-shirt.

Put it in the back of the window.

That's it.

On behalf of Dog River, I extend a hearty prairie welcome.

Oh, give it a rest, Fitzy.

I think it's safe to say we didn't pull this off.

Hi, um... Tina.

Tina.

I'm sorry that you had to come all the way here and see this.

Okay, so the quaint thing is out the window.

And our town is probably gonna be bulldozed and turned into a donut depot.

Or annexed by Woolerton.

Oh, that's our thing we do.

But however this plays out, we still have to be there for each other.

The person who has tried the hardest and most difficult...

can fall in the farthest is Brent.

So I think the least we can do is help him get back on his feet.

Because honestly, you guys, if Corner Gas can't survive, then none of us can.

The town would love to help, but the coffers are bone dry.

You sure about that, Fitzy?

Karen's been writing an awful lot of tickets.

She has?

Yes!

How many ticket books did you go through?

Only five.

Five?

Again, with the napkins.

With the average ticket price?

I score the eleven.

Holy crap.

Um, I think we can help a little.

Good work, Officer Pelly.

Just did my job.

Well, as some of you may or may not know, I have sort of been running a sort of

casino out of, uh, some place.

So, um, here you go, pouty puss.

Whoa, this is a lot of money.

Well, just don't make a big whoop-de-doo about it, all right?

You know, just, I saw that you needed help, and shut up.

You are a good and loyal... I said shut up.

Okay, look, Brent, I can't stay mad at you.

So, uh, I've decided to sell shares in my new venture capital project, uh,

to donate to Brent.

Now, I can't say too much about the project

itself, except that it might involve a rocket.

It's, uh, pretty awesome.

Or you know what?

You could all buy shares in Brent's bar.

You mean we could be bar owners?

Absolutely.

Brent has been telling me what a blast he's been having.

Isn't that right, Brent?

He's like his own Ted Danson over there.

Ooh, I like that Ted Danson.

This could work.

This could really work.

Wait, hang on, everybody, hold up.

Anything that I get is just gonna go to Koffnuts or C.N.

Holdings because of the lawsuit.

This money should really go to save the town.

I wish those corporate eggheads were here right now.

We could launch a counter suit.

Right, but we didn't do so well last time we went to court.

But you might do better in the court of public opinion.

I don't follow you.

No offense, but the Quainus contest is a lousy assignment.

But this?

This is pure gold.

Do me a favor.

Everyone squish in and smile.

Except you.

Try to look confused.

Well, why are we... Perfect!

So we just dropped everything?

The lawsuit?

The plans for the depot?

We had to.

Would have been a PR nightmare steamrolling the quaintest town in Canada.

But they weren't named the quaintest town in Canada.

No, but they were mentioned.

I guess any press is good press.

I don't know.

Did you see the Howler headline?

That dirty hoe kind of stings a bit.

You know what really stings?

The fact those Woolerton weirdos bailed us out

by doing all that fundraising for Dog River.

Yeah, I know.

Choir recitals, lemonade stands.

Those self-serving bastards.

The important thing is that you apologized and I accepted.

Neither of those things happened.

Oh.

How about I buy you lunch?

We call it even.

Hey, don't be cheap.

You better not have checked any boxes on your new contract.

No.

I circled a few things, though.

Is that okay?

Guess we'll see you in 25 years, rookie.

More bursary applications?

Nope.

Cruises.

Tanner's grades weren't good enough to get into university.

Oh.

Well, he got a job up north and he's making so

much money that he is sending me on a vacation.

Wow.

Good kid.

Thick as a walnut.

So, you're not upset you sold the bar?

I'm anything but upset.

Thank you, by the way, for your great idea of selling shares.

You're welcome.

Hey, do I get a hug for my great idea?

I suppose you better do.

What?

They did a lippy kissy thing.

Brent, you just kissed an actual human female.

She likes you.

Ask her out, you jackass.

Yeah, I did ask her out.

Like, two years ago.

I said yes, if this still isn't clear.

You guys have been a couple for two years?

How can you not know this?

We go to the bar together, we go to movies together, shopping together.

So much for everyone knowing everyone's business.

Oh, my God.

This is incredible news.

I can finally have grandchildren.

Oh, no, we've discussed it.

We're not gonna have kids.

I'm not sharing my comic books with some grubby little jam hands.

Son of a...

I don't know the same things you don't know

I don't know I just don't know

and I forget the same things you forget

But you'll predict that surely it hasn't happened yet.

I was pretty focused on trying to save the ruby in Dog River.

Oh, somebody's got to put something in the tip jar.

Whose bag is that?

I don't know what that is.

God.

How embarrassing.

Welcome to the 90s.

Everybody say hi to my mom.

Hi, Mom!

I'm shooting and I should have had my phone off, Mama.

She just cost me $28,000.

I love you.

Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, take one.

Oh, that was very good.

I like that one.

Chicken for Beef, take five.

Chicken for Chicken, take two.

That looks great.

Okay, here we go.

You can tell me that you dog ran away.

Then you tell me that it took three days.

I've heard every joke.

I've heard everyone just say.

You think that's funny?

It's not like going on.

When I'm not close, I think you are so wrong.

And that's why you can stay so long.

When it's not like going on.

1-12, take six.

Wow, we're f***ing terrible.

Hang on!

That's just acting, kids.

Acting?

Hi, there.

Hi.

Karen, it's the best.

Karen, hi.

I, you know, that just threw me off.

I'm gonna, sorry.

I'll be right back.

You can tell me that you dog ran away.

Oh,

for the love of Pete!

Whoops!

Oh, it's you.

Well, good.

It's about time somebody called one of these things.

No, just kidding.

Okay, we'll start over.

Sorry.

You're doing great, buddy.

You are making my career.

This horse is making my career.

Gentlemen, start your wagers!

Oh, no!

Pfft!

Gentlemen, start your wages!

No!

God!

Oh, be back.