Original subtitles

Oh, Bodices and Barons is starting.

Oh, I've never seen Baron von Stubert in such a fancy cravat. Is that a cravat

or is that an ascot? It's a jabot.

Oh, I can't expect those of your social stature to understand the sartorial

preferences of the very rich.

You rich, but not exactly. Spend forfeit.

He king of Norway, once got a fork stuck in beard, but owned it with a clever

nickname. Well, Thorfinn, I don't like to brag, but it is rumored that the

Woodstones are actually related to the British royal family.

Whoa, we are?

The story goes that my grandfather, Bernard Woodstone, wooed a cousin of the

monarch and brought her back to America.

So I'm a royal.

This is just like one of those movies where a regular girl becomes a princess.

I was never a princess, but I was briefly the tenth wife to a sheik.

I don't have royal ancestry per se, but my uncle Sal owned a Burger King and a

Dairy Queen.

Also a Subway, but that's not really relevant here.

You know, we actually could confirm it. They have these ancestry websites now

where you can track your family tree.

Samantha, I think that would be wonderful.

The Baron and Lady Eliza are about to do it. Of course, you commoners are

enthused about something so big.

My God,

she ripped his chapeau right off.

So we're getting pretty close with the restaurant.

Are we sure we need that table in the middle of the dining room that no one is

allowed to sit at? The girl's table?

Uh, yes, Mark.

Yeah, that's a non -negotiable from our investor. He wants it open in case he

ever drops by.

Hey, I have an Amazon Prime package for Woodstone B &B.

Thank you.

This must be the new tile samples.

Ooh, those arrived quickly.

And if they're not to my liking, I will dispatch them with similar haste. Maybe

12 times the charm.

I'm pulling for you guys.

It's been a journey. It has.

Thank you for your support.

Okay.

This is it.

This is the one. I like it. I'm good with anything that doesn't have me look

more tiles.

It's going to be a no from me.

That particular shade of gray reminds me of Benjamin Franklin's dead tooth. And

while I know that's not a problem for everyone, I can't get past it. So we did

it? Actually, I just sent a picture to our investor, and he doesn't like them.

Sorry, Mark.

This is ridiculous.

Decisions are piling up. I want to talk to this guy. The thing is, the investor

is very private.

He's not a big talker. God, I wish that were true. That's not going to work for

me anymore. Either I meet the investor or I'm out. But he's pretty busy.

I don't care. Get him here or find a new partner.

Okay, Mark has never been hotter.

And that ball was hot to begin with.

Hey, what's going on, guys?

Sam just received an email from the Ancestry computer site.

We're about to find out if I am indeed royalty.

This could literally be my coronation. Okay, I have a lot going on today, so

let's just do this. Don't worry, everyone. No matter what the results

nothing will change. I have always been and will continue to be superior to you.

You may be royal, but I was voted prom king as a junior. It was unprecedented.

Kind of feels like you're grasping. Whatever. You probably went to prom by

yourself. I was a student chaperone, so technically I went with everyone.

So you went to prom with multiple partners, but you still won't sleep with

and Thor?

Oh, that stinks.

Okay, let me see. There is your grandfather, Bernard, and his wife,

the one you said was royal, right? Indeed.

All right, they have some birth records for her. Let me click.

I'm not saying everyone should curtsy, but if my grandeur moves you, don't

the instinct.

Okay. Huh.

It says here she was born Mary Shaughnessy.

What?

In County Cork, Ireland.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. And he's Irish.

What if we kill the investor? We tell Mark that the investor was heli -skiing

British Columbia and his chopper went down. He came up with that way too

This man has plans for someone, and I for one respect it. You will not kill

investor. The investor is my representative, my voice in this

we'll listen to you. You can trust us. You don't need a representative.

We never heard that before. Oh, that's right. King George III.

Isaac complained about monarchy. Must be day -ending and why.

This is going nowhere.

Samantha, don't try me. I will pull my funds and only I know the password to

account. And Trevor, who I had to loop in because he can touch buttons. Oh, you

know, Mark doesn't know what the investor looks like. Maybe you can get

to pretend to be them.

Alberta's suggesting we get someone to pretend to be the investor and introduce

them to Mark.

Seriously? Who would we even get?

I don't know. An actor?

A TaskRabbit? Maybe get one of the Hudson Valley players. Many of them are

actors and TaskRabbits. No, Mark's a fellow player. He knows all of them.

What about Mala? He's between projects and looking for new challenges,

to People magazine.

What about the guy who played Pete in Dumb Death? He was an actor. He's in

England. I saw on Instagram he booked the lead in Doctor Who.

Whoa, that's incredible.

Oh, sorry. Who, H -O -O?

It's a web series about an owl that teaches kids math.

Either way, he's not available.

You can't just get any old actor. You need someone who is willing to con your

friend.

What about the lady who pretended to be your cousin? The one who tried to steal

your house?

She's fun.

The ghosts are pitching Kelsey.

The scammer who our shady lawyer hired to con us out of the mansion?

On the upside, she might actually do it, and she owes us for not turning her in.

Why didn't you turn her in? She was sort of my cousin for a minute.

No, baby, that was the scam.

I don't have a lot of family.

I think we sometimes forget that Samantha once hit her head really hard.

it's either this or we tell Mark the truth.

that we made up an investor because we borrowed money from a goat.

But, Kelsey, are we really that desperate?

Kelsey, hey!

Hey! Come on in.

Oh, did you hurt yourself?

Oh, this? No. I just can't be photographed outside without it for the

days. She's a pro. I think this is gonna work.

Do either of you work for State Farm?

If you do, you have to tell me.

Call me crazy, I like her.

So what's the play here? What are we doing to this Mark guy? Is it a sting?

A shakedown? No. A classic Nashville hustle?

Don't know what that is.

I dated the guy who came up with that.

Ironically invented in Chattanooga. All you need to know is we made up a fake

investor, and now Mark wants to meet them, so that's who you're pretending to

be. Look, I feel bad for the way things went down last time with the whole me

trying to steal your house thing.

Wow. You need a big truck to steal a house. So I'm gonna help you out, but

you're gonna have to sweeten the pot.

How about $1 ,000?

Okay, uh, I've got $7 and whatever's left on

this Chipotle gift card. Deal!

I died before the Constitutional Convention, but I am glad to be here to

these historic negotiations.

So, yeah, I guess, bottom line, going to space is kind of boring.

Really? I think it would be incredible.

I mean, we hit a duck on the way up. That was kind of exciting.

I hit a turkey in a carriage once.

But we were going so slowly, the turkey barely noticed.

Not everything needs to be a story.

All right. Mark, if you have any other questions about Andrea's business or

biography, it's all on that website I sent you. Jay stayed up all night

fake websites for Andrea and her company.

Yeah, I didn't get a chance to look. Well, I can resend you the link.

It's pretty extensive.

Someone obviously put a lot of work into it. Well, I'm just glad we finally got

to meet.

Although it's weird. I could have sworn Jay and Sam always referred to you as a

he.

Maybe you just heard rich investor and you assumed it was a man.

Oh, they're about to get a fight the hell out of Mark.

It's called internalized misogyny.

I'm so sorry. It's okay, Mark. We all have work to do.

I'm a huge proponent of equal rights, which is why I slept with every member

Fleetwood Mac.

Should we get down to business?

Mark, you said you wanted to talk to Andrea about streamlining the decision

-making process.

Yeah. The restaurant's going to open soon, and we're starting to get behind.

can't keep putting off decisions, like with the tiles.

Even very particular.

Because they've particularly sucked.

You know what? You're right. I have been micromanaging, and that is not how I

like to run a company.

You know, I think there's a page on our website that explains our management

style. Why don't I pull it up and we can look at it together?

Then it's settled.

Andrea will be more sensitive to our schedule.

Speaking of which, I think you said you had a plane to catch.

Right. I'm going to go visit one of my many properties. I have homes in Monte

Carlo, Fiji.

No way. I just got back from Fiji.

Stayed at the Four Seasons, courtesy of Sam and Jay's new roof. And our

fountain. We basically just send all our money straight to Mark.

You know what?

Actually, while I'm here, I might as well go check out the restaurant.

Oh, your plane.

Remember, Andrea, your plane?

Well, you know, the best part about having your own plane is you get to

when it leaves.

Great. Let me show you the way.

Kelsey. What are you doing? The longer you stay here, the more likely it is we

get caught.

Sam, how weird would it be if I didn't want to see the restaurant?

I know what I'm doing.

You can trust me.

I'm a con woman.

Don't love the sound of that.

I mean, it just doesn't even make any sense.

Me? Irish.

Can you see it?

A flaming redhead with alabaster skin being Irish?

Nope, doesn't add up. How do we even know that this ancestry web thing is

correct? Internet not always true. Remember, we take sex and city quiz and

say I am Miranda when we all know Thor total Samantha.

Eddie, this is no big deal. Being Irish is awesome. It's a proud culture with

rich traditions.

This prejudice is just a product of your time. It's like Thor hating Danes and

Trevor hating Dartmouth.

Someone talking about the most expensive ski school in the country? No!

Peter, I simply cannot accept it. There just must be some mistake.

I mean, if you really wanted an answer, you could have Sam send in a DNA sample.

You would have a definitive answer in about a week.

Man, the Internet is amazing. Literally no downside.

Well, then I shall speak with Samantha.

Oh, you don't find out for sure. At least now you have hope that there is

mistake. No, if there is a chance that I can find out that I'm not Irish, I must

take it.

Wait!

No need to test DNA.

For Thor, already no results.

Your blood run green.

What are you saying?

As ghosts, Thor watched Woodstones for years. I hear Mary speak about growing

in Ireland.

Those very shameful secrets she and Bernard decide to keep from children.

Thor hear everything.

You've known this whole time and you've kept this from me?

Did you two know about this?

If it makes you feel any better, I've always loved St. Patrick's Day. It's one

of the top three drunk girl holidays along with Halloween and Purim.

For not tell anyone till just now.

For sorry, Hedy. I can't believe you.

Hedy, please.

And what am I supposed to do now? I can't even drown my sorrows in whiskey.

Yes, there's an instinct I suddenly have.

Do you have any other secrets about anyone else you've been holding on to?

Yes.

Okay. The idea was to complement the rustic with the modern in much the same

the food is a blend of old and new. It's really all about supporting Jay's

vision. Who's Jay?

Me. I'm Jay. I was also wondering that.

Andrea deals mostly with me, not Jay.

You have a problem with that, Mark? Two women working together?

I didn't say anything.

Your silence is complicity. What are they doing to this man?

You know, Mark, I have a place in my coma that could use your attention.

Really? Wow.

Yeah, I mean, that would be incredible.

I'm sorry, is she offering Mark a fake job?

You gotta get Kelsey out of here, Sam. She's a loose cannon.

We had a loose cannon at the Battle of White Plains. It backfired and took out

three of our horses.

Tragedy, but we ate well that night.

Jay, didn't you want to show Mark something with the walk -in freezer?

Right, the walk -in freezer. Yeah, Mark, you got a sec?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Be right back.

I'll be right back.

That's what I said to Dusty after I tied him to the post next to that loose

cannon. You have to leave.

What? You're offering Mark work on a villa that doesn't exist.

Whatever. Things happen.

My villa was destroyed in a pasta spill. Who knows? That's tomorrow's problem.

David Crosby's favorite shirt was destroyed in a pasta spill. Look.

We really appreciate you helping us out, but I don't think we want to continue

to press our luck with Mark.

Okay, you're right. I'm sorry.

I start improvising and I just get lost in the story, but I don't want to blow

up your spot.

Spot with Dusty's best friend.

Should I say goodbye to Mark?

Just go.

All right, I'll take off.

That Chipotle cart is burning a hole in my pocket anyway.

She's been standing there for ten minutes. What is she waiting for? Maybe

figured why she's standing there.

Happens to flower all the time.

Oh, hey, guys.

Mark and I were just out for a little stroll, unbeknownst to him.

Hey, Andrea.

Thought you had to take off. Still waiting on my limo, unfortunately.

I almost rode in a limo once.

Caesar's Palace was trying to butter up a group of us travel agents, but Pete

Martino is not for sale.

I just hope I don't miss this meeting. It's a big investment opportunity.

I can't really talk about it.

It's okay.

No problem. It's this startup, big AI VR play. I think it's going to be huge.

Actually looking for a couple more investors.

Really? Oh, I see what's going on here.

Oh, also understand, but maybe you've explained to Pete.

Why am I even telling you about this? You wouldn't be interested.

Well, I don't know. Could you tell me more about it? There's not even a point.

mean, they're closing the round today. You'd have to literally write me a check

right now.

It is a Nashville hustle, which really should have been called a Chattanooga

cheat, but that's a debate I've already had too many times.

Sam, we got big problem. What is it? Your con woman just conned your

out of 15 grand.

Kelty. I'm just saying, Momoa will never.

I can't believe Kelty would con Mark.

Really? She did arrive wearing a neck brace after she tried to steal your home

during a previous visit. Feels in character.

You have to tell Mark that he's the Mark.

Get it?

But also, do you understand? Because this is a very serious situation.

Okay, but then he'll find out that Kelsey's a con woman and we've been

him for months.

There he is.

Oh, do something, Sam. He needs that money for his muffin business.

Uh, Mark?

Can I have a word?

What's up?

Did you just give Andrea some money to invest in something? Yeah, I wrote her a

check. Did she tell you?

Are you guys getting in on it, too? Listen, you need to cancel that check

immediately. Why?

Boy, Samantha, how did they get themselves in these predicaments?

You made them do it. this this is all your fault asked and answered andrea's a

con woman her real name is kelsey i know because i hired her what are you

talking about hired her for what i needed someone to pretend to be the

i'm confused why would you do that that's a good question just run leave

change your name you think my real name's alberta what nothing hey guys

know about this know about what that andrea's a con woman that sam hired to

pretend to be the investor

That's going to destroy Jay Mark friendship.

Well, Jay?

Jay doesn't know anything about it. I did it all on my own. Oh, say, in fact,

did it because of Jay.

In fact, I did it because of Jay.

Where are you going with this? Wherever the improv takes us, dead ringers, our

time is now.

That's the all -ghost improv team I keep trying to start.

I can explain.

Maybe someone Jay didn't want to invest invested, and Sam hid it from Jay.

Oh, like a mob ball. Or a bear.

Or, going off of that, Jay's dad.

The real investor is Jay's dad.

What? I don't understand.

Jay was too proud to take money from his father.

Jay was too proud to take money from his father, so Mahesh and I came up with

this madcap scheme.

Hold up.

The guy we named the restaurant after?

Wait a minute. Did you incept me into naming my restaurant after my own

Jay getting on board with improv.

We're zipping, she's zapping, he's zopping. This is fun. This is messed up,

I can't believe both my wife and my father betrayed me. I put my heart and

into this restaurant because I believed in Jay and his vision.

Not some guy who thinks he should be listened to just because he put in some

money.

I'm sure we can figure out a way to all work together.

I think it might be Mahesh or me.

Okay, normally I'd suggest we end things on a joke, but maybe we just go out on

the emotion this time.

Yeah, this feels right.

There you are.

Though I feel bad about the way we leave things, but wanted to give time for

famous Irish temper to cool down.

All those years when I would mock the Irish for their sloth or suggest that

their pockets were lined with corned beef, you were quietly mocking me.

No.

Four wasn't. Then why?

Why would you keep this from me?

Remember when you were a child and you thought that I was imaginary friend

Gordon? Yes.

Gordon always look after Hetty, always protect her. And even after you grow

older and no longer see imaginary friend, I still want to protect you.

You knew learning this would hurt me and you didn't want to see me get hurt.

Yeah.

Gordon love Hattie.

Thank you.

Now you say it back.

Hattie love Gordon.

You know, Thor been around a thousand years and seen many groups of people

other groups of people for silly reasons. But what Thor learned is that

all basically the same.

Except for Danes who...

Brains are rumored to be mostly cabbage.

Samantha, do you and Jay have a minute?

Isaac just came in.

He wants to talk.

I'm listening. Or, you know, doing that thing where Sam listens and then conveys

to me. Just go.

I've been thinking about my role in the restaurant, and I believe that the most

helpful thing I can do right now is step back.

What do you mean?

I'm saying you can keep my money, but I'm no longer going to be holding up the

works. Mark was right. This restaurant should live and die with Jay's vision,

even if that vision includes styles that would look more at home in a Canadian

high school locker room. We're watching Degrassi.

They put milk in bags.

Strange culture, Canada.

Jay, Isaac's saying that we can keep the money, no strings attached, because he

also believes in your vision.

Really?

Thank you, Isaac.

Although, I would like there to still be a ghost table.

That's not for me.

That's for my friend.

Oh, that's unusually nice.

Well, just so you know, Isaac, we couldn't have gotten this far without

owe you, buddy.

You know what? The signers of the Declaration of Independence were

and crapping yourself is a fine way to go.

You're too kind, Jay.

All right, well, I guess I should call Mark and tell him we worked it out. I

told my dad to take a hike and gave you a piece of my mind for going behind my

back. Jay!

Seriously, it wasn't cool what you did. If I had any self -respect, you'd be

sleeping on the couch tonight.

My man is improv -ing his tush -off. He would make a great dead ringer if he

would just die already.

In a long, long time.

I hope it's soon.

So, as you can see, the Irish actually have a pretty neat history and culture.

We've covered James Joyce, Oscar Wilde, Bram Stoker.

We went down a pretty deep Colin Farrell rabbit hole.

I'd like to go deeper.

Okay, well, that brings us to our musical portion of the presentation.

Now, people love to sing the praises of U2 and the Pogues and Sinead O 'Connor,

but they don't hold a candle to my personal favorite.

Hit it, Trevor.

What is this, Peter?

This is Enya. It came out a couple years after my death, actually. But

apparently the 80s got even more rad.

This song reminds me of abandonment trauma.

Like what shipmates do.

Sail away, sail away, sail away.

Wait for the key change.

Ah, there it is.

This is lovely.

But maybe we go back to Colin Farrell.