Original subtitles

The host will let you in soon.

Okay. Oh, what's going on here?

Samantha and I have a Zoom meeting. Our editor is giving us feedback.

Sorry for the industry jargon. I'm in publishing now.

Hello? Hi, Sharon. Good to see you. Oh, this is on camera. I just assumed it was

an audio call given Samantha's choice of blow.

All right, let's talk about the other founding father, the Isaac Higgintooth

story. I read the manuscript.

That means book.

And I have to tell you, I didn't like it.

Oh, it was your fault, Samantha.

I loved it. I did it. Me.

That's amazing. I'm so excited.

Not as excited as I am. I can tell you this now. I had to fight for this one.

usually do trashy schlock like vampire novels.

Dreadful. And beach reads for horned up housewives.

I'm listening.

But this.

This is a real book. In fact, I got several interested nods from David

at a dinner party at Belsar last night.

These fancy -pants New Yorkers. Give me a twice -baked at Tony Roma's and I'm a

happy pappy. So, what are the next steps?

Oh, well, we're looking at a spring launch, probably do a little book tour,

maybe some morning TV.

Oh, my God. You're going to meet Hoda. But in the meantime, we'll need to have

one of our people verify your primary sources.

But I'm your primary source. I was sort of hoping that the copious notes I took

would suffice. The actual primary source documents are incredibly old. I

wouldn't want to risk sending them. Don't worry. We'll come to you. Our

authenticator is a pro. He will handle them with care.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a Zoom about an erotic vampire novel called

Bitten and Smitten.

What about appliance erotica?

Is that a genre?

Could that be a genre? They shouldn't need verification.

Everything I told you was true. Yeah, it's shocking that they won't take a

ghost's word for it. The Maytag Chronicles.

Writes itself.

What's Jay doing in a land ship?

Shame -eating Sonic.

Oh, he has a whole system.

He eats in his car so Sam doesn't see.

Then three pumps of spray to mask the onion rings. Then he gets out, leaving

windows open, of course, to air out the mint. What about the bag? She's going to

see the bag.

Oh, don't you worry about the bag. He puts it in the outside trash bin. But

on top. Like the true sociopath he is, he lifts the top layer of garbage,

tucking said sonic beneath.

All for naught, because we're going to tell Sam he had fast food.

Damn it. You've got to love the effort.

Jay, look out!

What? He's about to...

Hopefully fine.

But his foot went right through it.

Oh, my God. Thor can touch it.

Does that mean that that... Yes!

Go snail!

What are we going to do?

They're going to pull the plug on the book. I'm going to be the laughingstock

the publishing world.

Hey, babe. Just getting back from the gym. I worked the traps and the lats.

And the tots and the onion rings. I love this guy, but who does he think he's

kidding? Jay, we have a big problem. The publisher wants to see our primary

source documents and is sending someone here to verify them. But your primary

source is a ghost. And he's accurately diagnosed the problem.

Wait a minute.

There might be a solution.

It's a long shot, but when I was alive, I kept a diary.

Isaac says he kept a diary. Oh, good gasp.

Where is it? I hid it at Fort Ticonderoga, the site of my legendary

surrender to the British. I know exactly where I bought it. This is incredible.

But there's no guarantee it's still there. And even if it is, it could have

degraded by now.

But there's a chance. If I had listened to that kind of naysaying, I never would

have successfully surrendered that fort, nor led the brave retreat of Bunker

Hill. This guy was unrivaled when it came to running away.

Thank you, Sam.

Isaac says it's at Fort Ticonderoga. I used to go there with my pinecone troop.

Oh, the cobblestone can be uneven. It's a little dangerous, although not as

dangerous as some of our other field trips. Fort Ticonderoga's only like

hours away, babe. Let's go get that diary.

I'll come. Pete's in, too. I'll drive.

Shotgun, shotgun.

Sorry, Pete called it first.

Well, I was joking. He's a ghost.

Sam, go sit in the back.

Whoa.

Ugly. Oh, a ghost animal.

It's been a while since we've had one of those around here.

I didn't even know that was a thing.

Very rare. Most animals go right up because hot's so pure.

He must be one bad snail. What did you do, little guy?

I shall call you the Escargot. Oh, I get it. Because he's a ghost and he was by

the car.

He's so cute. I think I'm going to keep him as a pet.

Why would I be? your pet.

Maybe I want it to be my pet.

And let's not bring up the whole my son killing you thing again. It's getting

played out.

What if we all took turns with a snail? Like me and the other groupies did with

David Crosby, who wasn't a pet, but he had a lot of back hair.

Count me out. I don't want him.

I honestly don't get the whole pet thing. Pet is animals that live in your

until one day you eat.

Like Balda, my loyal and delicious goat.

How many animal friends did this guy eat?

No, I understand what a pet is. I'm just not interested in having one.

It's done.

Wasn't your obituary photo of you and your dog?

That was my parents' dog, and honestly, I wasn't that into him. You have to walk

them and pick up their crap.

That was also the downside to David Crosby. Okay, fine. Let's just go with

Thomas, share the snail plan.

Yes, very fair. We all get turned, and Thor promised not to eat it.

Even though snail look delicious, and Thor not eat food in a thousand years.

See, it's that second part.

It's just not as reassuring as maybe you're intending.

But I say not eat.

Even though Thor won't do.

Mm -mm, that second part.

Vinny? The name Ticonderoga was derived from an Iroquois word meaning between

two waters or where the waters meet.

Just saying the whole concept of shotgun is sort of dependent on the fact that

everyone can hear each other. You'll get it on the way back. Stop complaining.

If he calls it first when we're headed to the car, the rules are very simple.

Now, if you'll all follow me, I'll show you a revolutionary Aratello candle that

still has a wick in it.

Hang back.

But the wick.

Jay, we need to find the northeast gate. Isaac says he hid his diary under a

loose stone three paces from the end of the wall. I feel like I'm a national

treasure. I freaking love this.

Oh, here's a ghost. I got this.

Hey, I'm Sam. Yes, I can see you. I fell down a flight of stairs two weeks in a

coma, woke up with the ability to see ghosts. Sam, I can see this guy. Hi.

Hey. Oh. I think he's a reenactor. You see the Nikes? Dead giveaway.

We're looking for the northeast gate.

It's right over there. And he's got an energy drink. That's another clue.

So, here's the end of the wall.

Okay. One, two, three. It should be right here, unless Isaac's got really

steps. How tall is he? I don't really know him. Try to find the loot stone.

Hurry up. The next tour is going to be by any second. I think I found it.

Honestly, I was hoping it would be a little bit harder, like a puzzle to

Oh, my God.

We found it.

Okay, let's go. Shotgun, shotgun.

Sorry, Jay. Oh, come on.

This is ridiculous.

Say it faster next time. You snooze, you lose.

Uh, Jay, we have a problem.

There is absolutely nothing useful in this diary.

What? That can't be true.

Jay?

Monday, April 4th, 1775. I had something called a sandwich today. Apparently,

they're all the rage back in England. Don't think they're going to catch on

here. Okay, not prescient, but no one can say Isaac Higgins was afraid of

a bold step.

The next entry is four weeks later.

The sandwich is not growing on me. Huh, so nothing about the war or the birth of

the nation? I swear, I wrote something about George Washington.

Oh, you did. I saw Washington eating a sandwich today.

He seemed to enjoy it. Damn it, Isaac. This is all sandwich talk and mutton pie

recipes. Where's the stuff in the book, Isaac? Where's all the stuff you told

me? This is crazy. I thought I wrote it all down.

How do you not like a Sandy?

Did you try turkey or roast beef? Oh, don't say roast beef in front of the

staff. His girlfriend left him to smell Arby's. Thank you for rallying to my

defense. You know...

It's possible I was trying to limit the revolution talk in case the British won.

You just don't want to leave a paper trail. We literally need a paper trail.

That was the whole point of us going to get this diary.

What's in here won't help us at all.

Yet. Ooh, Jay's cooking something up.

We have a 250 -year -old diary with mostly blank spaces.

What if we just...

Fill in the blanks. You mean forge the diary? That doesn't seem ethical.

What ethical?

We got the real guy here. I mean, maybe he's here based on what you've told me

and what I've chosen to believe.

Jay's right.

It's all stuff that happened to me, and it will be my words.

Well, to be honest about being dishonest, hold for laughs.

I think it's a good plan. I mean, the diary itself is already old, and that

would be the hardest part to fake. Okay, but who's going to do all the old

-timey handwriting?

Oh, Jay's actually really good at calligraphy. He took a class to do our

invites. Aw, thanks, babe. Anything for you.

Jay's a wife guy.

I was a wife guy, but my wife was a Jerry gal.

So what do you think, babe?

Are we going to rewrite history?

It looks that way.

To the inkwell.

We have fun.

Torpid!

It's my turn with the snail.

Okay, everyone, stay calm, but fall might have lost

Escargost. Thor, did you eat the Escargost?

No, and you must believe me. Thor will not eat delicious -looking snail.

It's just not as persuasive as you want it to be.

Thor, I don't think... I can be with someone who would do something like this

one of God's creatures.

I mean, the man's probably murdered thousands of people. Snail is where you

the line? Exactly.

Well said, Trevor.

Flower, please.

As sure as Heimdall.

God's the bifrost.

Thor, not do this.

I am buying it. This is low, even for you. That snail was our pet, Thor. And

took him, you stole him, and you ate him raw. Okay,

I took him. I took the Escargot. What?

You did?

He's right here.

Safe as sound.

But why did you take him?

Well, Thor was talking about eating him, and I didn't want the little guy to get

hurt.

Look at that little pun of him. You just said you didn't even like animals. I

was lying.

What kind of a person doesn't like animals?

I freaking love them.

Then why did you lie?

It doesn't matter. What matters is I'm not letting anything happen to this

little guy. And the fact that none of you knew where he was for the past hour

just proves that he's better off with me.

This is exactly what happened with David Crosby. Marla got super possessive, and

then suddenly the rest of us were fighting for Steven Stills' scraps.

It was dark, man.

All right, guys, this might be an all -nighter. Sharon said The Authenticator

will be here in the morning.

The Authenticator? Sounds like a WWF wrestler.

Live from Madison Square Garden, it's Macho Man Randy Savage versus The

Authenticator! Hey, it's just very loud.

Okay, what am I writing?

Okay, let's start with Lexington and Concord. We have a whole chapter about

in the book.

April 19, 1775.

Okay, have him write this.

As I survey the battlefield, I am aware of the smell of gunpowder and the moans

of agony from my fallen comrades.

Okay. As I survey the battlefield, I am aware of the smell of gunpowder and the

moans of agony of my fallen comrades. Let's go. The authenticator will be here

soon to verify your ass.

Maybe this is why your wife is a Jerry gal. Jay, why have you only written,

like, two words?

Calligraphy is hard. This is why Penelope Adelman Huffnagle didn't make

for our wedding.

Ugh! What's going on up here?

We're forging Isaac's diary from the Revolutionary War.

Oh, that sounds even more interesting than watching the water heater. I'm in.

Now get this down. The British had us surrounded on both sides like two slices

of red coat bread on a rebel sandwich. And we're back on sandwiches.

And as I lay there dying, a profound thought occurs to me.

Perhaps I should have washed my hands.

Relatable.

Relatable.

Hey, Sharon.

Yeah. I just got to the house.

I'll call you once I test the higgie tooth materials.

Hello? And that does it.

Nicely done, Jay.

This guy's good.

That looks amazing.

I can't believe we did it. Did what?

Geez, how many times do you people need this repeated?

We forged Isaac's diary because the original was useless and there's an

authenticator on his way here right now. But this looks legit. I bet we get away

with it. Why are you... Telling me this?

Ah, damn.

You don't look familiar.

Do they hide you behind the water tank or something?

He's not one of us. He's a living.

Yeah, he's got shoes.

Must be nice.

Sharon sent me.

I'm the authenticator.

The authenticator from the top rope!

Sorry, it's a bad situation.

Humor's how I deal with things.

All right, Trev. What's going on?

Just giving him some time in the shaft of light.

Then we're watching the cutting edge.

Shelly loves a rom -com.

You obviously have a deep connection to animals. What was it all about? Why are

you acting so weird?

At first, I didn't want to get close to the snail. I didn't want to bond with

him. Because I didn't want to let him down.

I didn't want to let him down like I did Bucky.

Bucky? You know that dog, the one from my obituary photo?

Oh.

Well, he wasn't my parents' dog. He was my dog.

And he was my best friend.

Not much of a competition. I mean, your other friend dumped your body in a lake,

but go on.

Every day when I would get home from work, Bucky would be right there at the

door waiting for me. He would jump up on me, and I would tell him he was a good

boy.

But then one day, the day I died, I never came home.

I just feel so guilty.

He was never anything but loyal to me, and I let him down.

It's not like you went on vacation, Trevor.

You died.

And that's not your fault. Dying's not any of our fault.

In my case, it was Hedy's son's fault. There it is. She worked it in. You not

coming home that night, that was one time in a lifetime of you being there

him.

Thanks, guys.

Poor Bucky.

I still wish I could just tell him that he was a good boy one last time.

Try to remember all the good times you two had. Because I'll tell you this,

that's what Bucky remembers.

Or remembered.

He's doubtlessly worm food by now.

Oh, I'm sorry. No, your dog is 35 years old.

My bad.

Sharon, I don't know what to say. What were you thinking?

I put myself on the line for you. My boss is going to be furious.

The truth is, I had a real primary source, but there was a flood in the

and it got destroyed.

The ease with which the lies just fly out of her mouth.

Whatever. We can't publish a non -fiction book without sources. I'm

book is dead.

And with it, my legacy.

Isn't there anything we can do?

You like the book, Sharon. Could we repackage it as historical fiction? You

you guys mostly do fiction anyway.

This is not the kind of fiction that we do. Our audience needs something juicy

they can sink their teeth into.

And that gives me an idea.

The Storyteller to the Rescue.

The Storyteller! Body slamming illiteracy!

That was my best one.

And that was the cutting edge.

Pretty good, huh?

Hey, listen.

I was carrying around that stuff for a long time.

Thank you for helping me face it head on.

Maybe I can't say it to Bucky, but I can say it to you.

You're a good boy.

Oh, my God.

It's happening.

Guys, get in here.

I think I am.

Last one in, first one out. Boom, team money. What about Carol?

I think he's just talking about me, Nate. I'm going to miss you all.

What's happening to me right now? I want this for every single one of you.

Shouldn't Trevor be mid -air by now?

Look, the snail.

It's floating.

Oh, damn it. He's moving so slowly.

Sorry, Trev.

Hey, Isaac, we just got off the phone with the publisher.

I heard.

The book is dead.

Well, it might be undead.

What do you mean? What she means is they want to tell your story.

Provided your story involves you being a vampire.

I'm sorry?

Look, here's the deal. Because we lack the proper primary sources, the only way

they're going to publish this book is if it has some sort of YA twist.

So I'm a vampire?

My idea. You're welcome. But everything else is the same?

tweaks like the reason for the revolutionary war wasn't taxes and

it was that there was too much garlic around what vampires don't like garlic

i know that this just isn't my story you'd still be there doing all the same

things you'd still be outside the signing of the declaration of

might have to adjust that because of isaac's vulnerability to sunlight i

want to be a vampire i don't blame you they suck sam can you tell jay i said

that but include isaac's setup otherwise it won't make sense does he love it

He's processing.

Look, Isaac, the cool thing about fantasy is it's a digestible way to tell

really complex stories.

Vampires hide in the shadows because they're afraid of what people will think

them. Hmm?

Well, I suppose I can relate to that.

Plus, a book about a delegate to the Second Continental Congress?

Is anyone going to read that?

But a book about a delegate to the Second Continental Congress who can turn

a bat and terrorize the Freemasons?

No.

Because they wouldn't let me into their club.

I like that.

Could I also drain the blood from Alexander Hamilton while he begs for

We're the ones writing it. And this is the only way they're going to publish

Yes.

Let's give it a try. Let's educate the masses in the only way they can

He's in, Jay.

It's all systems go on colonial vampire Isaac Higgintooth.

I'm sorry, did you say Isaac Higgintooth?

It's a working title.

Well, I don't like it.

I love it.

You did a Sharon.

Hey,

buddy, sorry. This is taking a very long time, and I gotta head out. But you,

you got this.