Original subtitles

Ah, and that was I Feel Pretty. Underrated Amy Schumer flick. What did

think?

Honestly, I don't know why I even asked. Hey, Jay, check out this cool Halloween

decoration I got.

Oh! She has made the gods speak!

She is a witch!

No, patience. It's motion activated.

Battery? Never mind.

Wait, does Patience not know about Halloween?

Oh, she is going to lose her Satan -hating mind.

Halloween? It's a holiday. There's candy, kids dress up. Women dress down.

It's like Purim, but hornier. We used to hate Halloween, but then Sam moved in,

started leading a seance every year, where she brings back a different dead

person for us to hang out with.

She summons the dead?

I must take leave from my evil presence.

Oh, my bad.

So... Patience doesn't seem like a huge fan of Halloween.

Babe, I don't think we should do Halloween this year.

What?

Three years ago, our gazebo burned down. Two years ago, you almost died. Last

year, a woman did die.

Talk about a witch.

A little ex -wife humor.

And now we got a Puritan ghost who spurts blood out of the walls when she's

angry. How do you think she's going to react to seeing a bunch of kids dressed

up like demons and zombies?

But Jay, I love Halloween. Don't you think you're overreacting a little bit?

wanted to wear my Atari shirt today.

Do you know why I'm not wearing my Atari shirt today, Sam?

Because the wall blood wouldn't come out of it. The man makes a fair point.

Fine. I guess we'll just have the most boring Halloween ever.

Happy, Jay?

I won't be happy until this Halloween has passed and no one has died.

Love a man who sets a low bar.

That's my guy.

This is outrageous.

Someone stop this maniac. He has plans...

Sell my treasures? What's going on?

Well, in lieu of anything fun this year, Jay and Samantha are planning a

Halloween yard sale.

Oh, no. If they sell the yard, where will we chase butterflies?

Oh, yeah. This stuffed raven should get at least five bucks.

Are you mad? We paid six in 1880. Do you have any idea what that's worth in

today's dollars?

That is a genuine question. As a woman, I wasn't allowed to study math.

Attention, everyone.

Patience wishes to address you all.

You have the floor.

Evil walks among us.

The one you call Samantha, who can summon the dead and predict the weather.

Well, the weather one is literally just an app on her phone. She must be held to

account. Hence, we will try her as a witch.

A witch trial? I mean, how Halloween is that?

I think, why are you encouraging this?

Because, as an acute observer of the political winds, I am trying to stay on

good side.

Obviously, I don't believe in all this witch business, but she's powerful,

scary, and I, for one, support her.

What sayeth you all?

Well, we literally have nothing else to do since Sam and Jay canceled Halloween.

Seems like a harmless enough diversion, and I do love judging people.

Oh, there's the accused now.

Looking unusually feminine.

Is that my old dress?

Oh, is it? I found it when we were clearing out the ballroom. It's kind of

Halloween -y.

Unless Jay said something, and then it's just a dress.

Samantha, some news.

You are hereby on trial for witchcraft.

It was Patience's idea, and I, for one, think it's brilliant.

How does that plead?

Oh. Patience. Things have changed in the past 400 years. Instead of turning on

each other, women should be lifting each other up.

She speaks of levitation.

She's a witch.

I'm sorry. It's politics.

Okay, my point is, women don't need to tear each other down anymore.

We are no longer second -class citizens.

We can do anything that men can do.

Sam, you said you wanted a couple guys to help lift the heavy stuff for the

sale?

Yes. Thank you, Mark.

But just because there's a lot of stuff, not because I'm a woman.

Okay.

So, does an afternoon trial work for you? We're pretty open. Yeah, I'm not

participating in this. Then you shall be tried in absentia. Cool.

Someone let me know if I'm a witch.

I'm going to go say goodbye to the yard.

Hey, Jay, there's another one.

Wow, there's so much stuff in that creepy old ballroom. Where we hosted

presidents and royalty and ate what we were told was the last Chinese river

dolphin. Turns out we were wrong, swindled. Some people have no ethics.

Flower, what are you doing?

Saying goodbye to individual blades of grass.

I'll miss you, Larry.

Goodbye, Steve.

Hi, babe. How's the art sale going?

Whoa, whoa, what is all this?

Oh, uh, the rake, I just thought I'd tidy up out here. No, no, no. I mean,

Bridgerton costume, which, objectively, wow, but it's a costume.

Okay, fine.

So what? I like Halloween.

We're not having a party. We're not bringing anyone back from the dead.

Just let us know if you need any help. So, just let me have this. How much is

this lizard bat thing?

How did that get out here? Uh, I'm so sorry. That's actually not for sale.

And just for the record, it's called a closet. Thank you for clearing that up,

Jay. But can I interest you in, um, you know, like a mummy -looking thing? Just

right over there?

That's got to be fake, right? As far as the Egyptian government is concerned?

Samantha, are you sure you don't want to participate in your witch trial? I

mean, you're kind of the star.

No. Isaac, the whole thing's a joke. What's a joke?

Patience accused me of being a witch. So now, because we canceled Halloween and

they have nothing else to do, they're hosting a witch trial. What?

Why didn't you tell me this? This is bad.

It's just dumb ghost stuff.

So what? They decide I'm a witch? Then what?

Babe, it's Patience, okay? It's not another ghost like Alberta with a lame

humming power.

Watch it. Or Hattie, who doesn't even have a power. That we know of.

Oh, he is roasting you two.

Oh! Okay, founding farter.

My point is, patience is not to be trifled with. And I'll just leave you

this. Historically, witch trials, they don't end well for the witches.

You should really refer to her as the accused.

I mean, it's not looking good, but still.

No! You stepped on Derek, murderer!

Oh, Miss Farnsby, hi.

Hey, Sam, could you tell me more about this beautiful antique table you've got

over here? Do you think it could support two or more adults?

Ooh, those swingers are going to do it on that table.

And lastly, what about her ability to speaketh to all of ye?

She walketh amongst the living, yet speaketh to the dead.

She's making some good points. And also the toast thing, where she warmeth the

bread with the devil's tongue.

Although some arguments are stronger than others. Okay, first of all, that

great closing statement. I began the day a skeptic, but after that eloquent

summary, I'm voting witch.

What say the rest of you?

Obviously, Sam is not a witch. Not guilty.

Well, she did cancel Halloween and didn't bring back the hot maid, so I'm

go witch. She's selling my penguin leashes.

She's a witch. I just don't think Sam killed that vagrant.

The issue is whether or not Sam is a witch.

Oh, well, then, yeah, she's probably a witch.

Oh, this is crazy. That woman buys Mama Moe a... Not guilty. Fun fact, Vikings

believed in witches. We called them Volva. Who are they fun for?

Guess not. People who wear small, ugly hats.

We need an answer.

Fine. Sam Volva.

Sam Volva.

There we have it. The group has spoken.

Sam is a witch. And Patience, once again, thank you for a delightful

This was fun. She has been convicted now for the punishment.

Oh. Okay, there's a part two.

For the crime of witchcraft, Samantha is hereby sentenced to petrification.

She shall be turned to stone.

Well, I guess Jay better get used to some stiff conversation.

Why does that tortle that patient?

Sorry, sorry, we shouldn't have laughed.

Also, we shouldn't have taken Sam for granted.

Laugh, but you will see.

Her flesh and bone will harden with the swift judgment from above.

Isn't bone already hard? Shut it!

I am so sorry about them. Bone is soft if you say it is.

Sam? Sam, where... Hey, Mark, have you seen Sam?

She was just here. Hey, how much for this dragon trophy?

How did... That's not for sale.

Uh, God, does that statue look like damn to you?

That's funny. I guess it kind of does.

Wait.

The dress.

The Bridgerton hair? That's the ring she was holding.

Oh, my God.

Patience turned Sam into stone.

What the hell is a penguin leash?

Hey, Jase, this made for penguins or made out of penguins? Both. Now put that

down.

Are you sure? You've never seen this statue before. I have never seen this

in my life or since.

Okay, we just got to talk to Patience. Maybe she can undo it.

If you can hear me, Sam, I voted not guilty.

Patience, this is insane. You have to turn Sam back.

Patience, more powerful than Thor ever imagined.

Man, have I hitched my wagon to the right pony.

Of course, I will miss flesh Samantha, as she will heretofore be known. Come

Patience. Is there a way to fix Sam?

There is. But she was convicted. This is your doing. We didn't know it was real.

We thought it was a joke. Like, where does a general hide his armies? In his

sleevies? That kind of thing.

Who's chortling now?

Not me.

For laughter is forbidden.

Guys,

Jay's selling Sam.

What? That's not good. Trevor, you text Jay from the iPad.

We'll go outside and yell at Jay impotently.

I'll give you six bucks for it. I don't know, man.

Okay, Jay may not know that's the love of his life, but he must know that

stone's worth way more than seven bucks.

Sold. Oh, come on!

Someone do something!

Perhaps, finally, in this most urgent moment of need, my heretofore dormant

ghost power will emerge.

I like your humming things so cool.

Goodbye, Samantha.

Enjoy a new home.

Get in there.

We're trying to help, Sam.

I'll see you.

The statue is Sam?

What does that even mean?

Come on!

I'll get Chase.

Because I can leave the property.

Patience turned to stone with a witch emoji.

Nice touch.

Oh, my God! I sold my wife!

Get out!

My eyes! The devil box is alight.

Yes, sometimes they leave it on for us. I don't usually partake.

Oh, but this is a good episode.

K .L. confronts Veronica for blowing up her co -listing in Laguna.

Well, we must depart forthwith, lest we be corrupted.

Absolutely.

Or we stay here.

And bear witness to the sin so that we may warn others and stuff.

And is she Kaylee L.? Yes.

And keep an eye on her mojito because, little hint, Veronica will soon be

wearing it.

Oh, and that's not all. You will not believe who shows up to the Twilight

house. Is it the devil?

Kind of.

It's Kaylee's ex, Fletcher.

To bear witness.

To bear witness.

So this man bought your statue, and I'm sorry, what do you want us to do? I just

need to get it back, and I need his home address now. I know you guys run

plates. I watch TV.

Right, but we only do that when there's a crime.

Because we're the police.

Okay, Jane's getting the whale.

Pete, what happened?

He got on the highway, and I lost him. I don't know if it's helpful, but there

was a bumper sticker.

It said, Captain Kaboom, period, come.

Wait, CaptainKaboom .com? What does that mean?

It's our website. It's the Internet.

That's the Internet?

What's the thing with the cat videos? Everyone just... Hang on.

Watch.

This feels like a stalker situation.

Sir, be honest.

Did this individual break your heart? What? No, I just want my statue back.

What do you mean?

Ahoy, I'm Captain Kaboom.

Welcome to Kaboom World.

Today, we're going to see what happens when we put an M -80 inside an old

microwave.

Surely he knows what'll happen.

It was amazing.

Back in my day, there was a guy who used to blow stuff up. His name was LBJ.

But then we got high and saw a bunch of bands play on a farm, and I think that

helped. Oh, no.

I think I know why this man bought that statue.

Oh, my God.

He's going to blow up Sam.

Click on bowling ball video.

Okay, fine.

What if I were to say that the statue is really a person, and that person is my

wife?

Well, in that case, we'd probably contact mental health services.

Okay, so then I'm not saying that.

Good day, sir.

Now we just have to click on the link.

Text from my iPad?

Trevor, did you send me this? I don't have time to watch a vid... Wait, that's

the guy I sold the statue to.

Watch Watermelon One. It's so good.

Hey there, Kaboom fam.

Got something really special in today.

You've been asking for limestone.

I'm giving you limestone.

Oh, that's the Sam statue.

Yes! At 1 ,700 hours today, this thing's going kaboom.

Don't forget to like and subscribe.

I know that house.

How do I know that house? He's doing the finger pinch thing! He's doing the

finger pinch thing! That's to zoomin .com.

Wait, isn't that a Sonic sign?

Oh, that's ironic.

Samantha's always saying that Sonic is going to kill Jay, but he may just be

thing that saves her.

Ironic Sonic.

I think there was a band that I dated back in 67.

I know where this is. Pete, let's ride!

Because I can.

Shut up, girl! Let go! Save our girl!

Okay!

So... You want the statue back?

Yeah, I wasn't supposed to sell it, and it got put out by accident. And my wife

is really attached to it. Sorry, man. I got big plans for that thing.

Pete Martino, non -geographically bound ghost.

Sergeant John Duffy, retired.

Served two tours in Nam.

Moved upstate for some peace and quiet. Forty years later, I'm dead, and this

little maniac moves in.

Come on, man. Give me a number.

How much do you want for it? It's not about the money.

It's about the boom, bro.

Gotta give the people what they want.

It's just, this statue means a lot to me. I really need it back.

His wife is the statue.

Damn straight. I fought for this man's right to marry a statue.

I'll tell you what.

You give me that weird monster thing I was looking at earlier, and I'll give

your statue back.

Quazit? Jay, are we really driving a hard bargain here?

Fine, deal. But can I take the statue now? I promise I'll come back with the

Quazit. Sure, man.

I trust you.

Plus, I know where you live, and I have a lot of dynamite.

Guys, we're back!

We got the Sam statue!

Ghosts, if you're here, get the Puritan to undo the stone thing.

And please hurry. This morning I was yelling at her about wearing a Halloween

costume. I don't want that to be the last conversation we had. Patience. You

turn Stone Sam back into regular Sam right now or else.

T 'was not me who made her that.

All of ye convicted her. Patience, I am going to say something to you that I

have only ever told two other people in my life, both of whom I wish to procure

me cocaine.

Please. The Lord's judgment is final.

Once one strayeth from the path of piety, one is lost.

It's so interesting you say that, Patience, because earlier I believe you

bit of path -straying yourself.

I know not of what you speak.

Oh, you don't want me to speak of Laguna.

I was bearing witness.

You said you would never tell.

What's going on here?

I will tell them everything, including how you moved your body to that diabetes

medicine commercial.

Fine. So you'll turn her back?

The power rests not with me. It rests with ye.

If you wish to reverse the sentence, simply vote again and find Samantha

innocent.

Yay! It's going to be okay, man.

Oh, he's hot.

No!

Sam!

Sam!

What?

What are you guys doing? Oh, my God, you're okay.

We thought you were stone, and then Jay sold you, and then the Kaboom man was

gonna blow you up?

That really cool watermelon video you need to see.

Of course I'm okay.

But what happened? Where have you been?

I sold Mrs. Farnsby a desk, and I was helping her take it over to their place.

At first, she wanted it in a study, and then in the living room, and then she

made me put it in a room that I don't want to talk about.

But the statue was holding the rake.

What? No, I just leaned the rake against the statue before I left.

I thought patients turned you to stone after the ghost convicted you at the

witch trial. You guys convicted me?

Well, we were mad about Halloween.

I urged you to testify on your behalf. I told them you didn't kill that vagrant.

Wait, well, we're...

Where did the statue come from? Hattie said she didn't recognize it. It was in

crate in the ballroom.

Ah, I guess that is possible.

We were so rich, sometimes we would just buy things at auction because we liked

waving the little paddle.

Well, patience. I guess your spell didn't work after all.

No matter.

I've still got the blood thing.

Why don't you go hum about it?

That was devastating insult.

Oh, right.

Everyone just needs to back off. It's a good power.

I think it's a neat power.

I swear to God, Pete.

So you traded your weird monster statue so this guy wouldn't blow me up? Of

course I did. And he did not hesitate. He agreed to it like that. And we

definitely didn't stop at Sonic on the way home. Too much detail, Pete.

Sam, I thought I lost you.

And it was the worst feeling in the world. I'm so sorry that I yelled at you

wanting to celebrate Halloween.

I love that you're excited about that stuff. And I love that you decorate our

mantel for different seasons and holidays.

It's like we live in a Starbucks, in a good way.

Ah, Jay.

It is touching.

Small man shall derive many benefits sexually from those kind words.

Everyone, patience hath arrived at a decision.

After much praying, it has become clear that I need to return to the dirt.

Oh, no.

It's not here.

Patience is returning to the dirt.

Hell, yeah.

I don't care. She tried to turn you into stone, and she cost me my closet.

I was tested, and I failed.

The above -ground world has far too much temptation.

There's not a place for the pious.

Well, as I said, women should support women, so I fully support your decision

leave and possibly never come back. It was good to know you.

Now I must return to the others.

I'm sorry, did she say others?

That. Not good.

Oh I don't like that at all.