Original subtitles

[MUSIC]

VOICE (OFFSCREEN): Hello.

[CAR DOOR SLAMS]

[MUSIC]

DAVINA: I don't know what we're doing here.

KANE: Babe, we're doing this for us, remember.

KANE: For when we have a family one day.

DAVINA: I hate Christmas.

KANE: Oh, come on. It can't be that bad. It'll be fun.

KANE: Hey, babe.

DAVINA: Yeah?

KANE: You're doing that thing again...

DAVINA: What thing?

KANE: That thing where you go quiet and you pick your nails.

I'm not.

Till they bleed.

They bleeding yet?

[MUSIC]

PETER: So this is where you've been hiding out Jimmy, you little rat.

You got my 20K?

It's Christmas Day, for fuck's sake.

PETER: I don't care.

PETER: I want it today.

PETER: You fuck up my Christmas, I will fuck up yours.

LEIA: I love you, Leia.

You are enough.

Of course I am.

[MUSIC]

[PHONE RINGING]

VOICEMAIL: Hi, you've called Hunter...

you know what to do. [BEEP]

Hi, Hunter. Merry Christmas...

I was just wondering if the girls had received their presents

because I haven't spoken to them yet.

Where the fuck are you?

Sorry, sorry.

[GRUNTING]

Is this turkey from that crappy corner store James?

BRENDA: I can feel it in the muscle tone...

JAMES (LAPTOP): And he's going, he's going, and he's over.

JAMES (LAPTOP): Well done, that's my boy!

[CHUCKLING]

JAMES (LAPTOP): Gonna touch the fire, mate?

JAMES (LAPTOP): You gonna touch the fire?

JAMES (LAPTOP): You've got to go towards the fire!

[DOORBELL]

[MUSIC]

Merry Christmas.

Hi James.

Hey, mate.

Come in.

Hey, Brenda! The ah, guest of honour's arrived.

Hey, I'm ah, Kane, how you going?

Good, good. In you go...

Oh, Davey.

You're so pretty. Merry Christmas darling.

BRENDA: We've missed you.

- This is Kane. - Merry Christmas.

Ooh, love the name. Very biblical.

We love Jesus.

Do we?

Love your home, it's uh, very unique.

Quirky, isn't it? Heritage listed...

Yeah, built by a gay bushranger in the 1860's.

James...

[BRENDA LAUGHING]

We had a feature spread in Country Classic last year.

Wow. Look at that.

What's this?

This is Davina's Sri Lankan bestseller.

Sri Lankan? Wow...

That's a niche cuisine for a traditional Christmas lunch.

Yeah, it's actually my family's traditional recipe.

I just wanted to bring a little part of me

for our first Christmas together.

Well, how lovely.

Very nice.

Davina's actually been working really hard on the new book, hey.

I just wanted to give her a bit of a break.

BRENDA: Another book already?

Back when I was sous-chefing, we never revealed our secrets.

Davey, I've been watching your cooking show.

JAMES: And uh, yeah, it's good.

I wanted to give you a call, but well...

Oh, did you lose my number?

No. Did you lose ours?

[JAMES SCOFFS]

Brenda. I've heard about your turkey!

Oh, well, nobody does a Christmas bird quite like me.

I'm just going to have to have a bit of a think

how to work this in with the roast.

I'll just make sure I don't punch this later.

Ha! [BRENDA CHUCKLES]

Punch it?

JAMES: Oh, mate, it was barbaric.

It was nothing...

- That's not all he did. - Don't James.

- Floorboards. - Oh yes, yes.

BRENDA: Sorry to be a pain, but it's a shoes off policy here now.

We had to strip the carpets, polish up the boards,

which cost a fortune because, well, you know.

But you're both wearing shoes.

Oh, these are our inside shoes.

BRENDA: Aren't they fun?

A bit like your hair. Fun!

You can pop your shoes off in the entry.

JAMES: Beautiful. Here we go.

JAMES: Oh! You beauty!

James, what is that?

What is it?

I don't recognize anything.

It's a sea of brown.

KANE: I'm blown away.

This home is just so festive.

Oh, thank you.

We're big on traditions here.

BRENDA: When we adopted Davey and then Lei Lei...

we always wanted them to have a nice traditional home

and a nice traditional white Christmas.

BRENDA: Oh!

What a fun shirt.

Hilarious, James.

Wow, it's so bright.

[BRENDA CHUCKLES]

That champagne isn't going to pour itself?

James. Oh, yeah.

Ok.

Now um, we only drink the expensive French-oi stuff around here so ah...

Yeah, great. I'm easy.

Well, after a couple of glasses of this, I'm anyone's.

Never been funny, honey.

[JAMES CHUCKLES]

Well, here's to the most wonderful day of the year.

ALL: Cheers!

[DOORBELL]

That's Leia.

Hey.

JAMES: Jimmy! Bloody hell.

Merry fucking Christmas.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's going on?

Nothing!

Are you pissed?

Just getting into the Christmas spirits.

Jesus Christ.

Brenda, good to see you and all that.

- Shoes off. - Yeah.

- Okay, what have you done to your face? - I was born this way. Damaged.

We're going to need some Dettol on that.

Weren't you working a shift this morning?

I'm not in the force anymore.

They don't appreciate my creativity.

JAMES: You got sacked?

Don't worry about it!

Here she is...

Hey, Jimmy.

You look fucking, hot.

Can I say that? Was that weird?

Thanks...

It's true but.

Jimmy, is it? I'm Kane.

Oh, mate.

Are you sure you're not Bruno Mars's hotter brother?

JIMMY: Jesus...

Get it, short king.

I usually hate people who dress up for Christmas.

But that shirt is dope.

Yeah, I'm a bit of a Chrissy nut, actually.

Look, it's lit. Like literally lit.

JIMMY: I'm lit. You're lit.

JIMMY: But not as lit as you, sis.

Killing it.

New TV show, new book, read it, watched it,

subscribed it, killed it.

Oh, it didn't take you for a fan.

Well, just because you decided to leave

doesn't mean we stopped caring.

JIMMY: No, I'm kidding.

You know that I love to go walk about myself.

Maybe not for three years, but...

I've been known for a good three-day bender.

Yeah, well, it has been a while.

Have youse had the surgeries?

It's really good to see you, Jimmy.

Oh. Sorry, that was too much too soon, aye...

JIMMY: Yeah, my impulse control is fucked when I'm on the rums.

[DOG YAPPING]

Oh, piss off, Bubbles, you dipshit.

[DOG YAPPING]

BRENDA: Inside voice, Bubbles!

Inside voice...

Oh, such a good baby.

Such a good baby.

[DOORBELL]

That'll be Leia.

BRENDA: Lei Lei!

JAMES: Lei Lei!

Merry Christmas, mummy and daddy. Ho ho ho!

Sorry, I'm late.

BRENDA: Oh, Lei Lei, you look divine.

LEIA: I adore your outfit, Mummy.

And your hair, still Tony?

Oh, no. I've left him. Too arrogant.

Oh, no, darling, he's just being fabulous.

There's a difference. [BRENDA AND LEIA CHUCKLE]

[AIR KISSING]

Absolutely bloody stunning you are.

Oh, thanks Daddy.

Where is everyone?

Oh, um, Hunter and the girls are with his family this year.

I don't recall that.

JAMES: Oh, Lei Lei no...

JAMES: What's Christmas without the girls?

I'm sure I told you this.

You did not.

Anyway, it's not really about us this year, is it?

Oh, wow.

Hey, Leia.

This is Kane, my boyfriend.

Merry Christmas.

Do you like the t-shirt?

I actually wore it for the kids.

Oh, yeah, they would have loved it.

Well, call Hunter!

Tell him to come here. I want to see my little Grandbabies.

Yeah, I was so excited to see them.

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, yes, I'm fine.

It's fine, everything's fine.

So, you're now...

Davina.

I've always been, Davina.

I'm sorry, could you turn that off?

LEIA: It's just, it's kind of a lot.

[JIMMY SNICKERS]

Jimmy, Merry Christmas.

Oh.

What happened to your face?

Yeah, what happened to your face?

Right.

More champagne, shall we?

Hey hey, Savages are back.

[MELANCHOLIC MUSIC]

Hey, you all good?

I think I'm going to have a panic attack.

You're okay. I've got you.

One of my favourite pictures of you, Davey boy.

JAMES: Geez, mate.

I reckon I've had no prouder moment...

then seeing you wear my jersey.

Did he tell you what a good footballer he was?

Did SHE tell me?

It's just a pronoun thing.

Miss Wilson tried to teach me about pronouns when I was at school...

but I was just too busy staring at her tits.

It's fine.

Just, it's Davina.

Not Davey, James.

Yeah, copy that, lads.

She didn't tell me about being a hot shot footballer, no.

Well, SHE definitely bloody was.

[TENSE MUSIC]

So, football...

Tell me more.

Ah, well, do you want the long or the short of it?

Short's fine.

JAMES: Trick question, mate. With me, it's always long.

JAMES: Know what I mean? [CHUCKLES]

JAMES: Now, you know, the thing about Davey...

JAMES: That separated him from other blokes is just his commitment.

[MELANCHOLIC MUSIC]

Youse didn't tell me you got a pimped out jet spa!

Oi, Leia!

[WATER BUBBLING]

It's German, folks.

200 microjets.

[JAMES WHISTLING]

That's the sort of curve a Supermodel would be proud of.

Damn, she's sexy, isn't she?

[LAUGHS]

What, so the pool wasn't enough?

The Spa's for bubbles, Jimmy.

Hydrotherapy.

BRENDA: His joints have really suffered

since we had to get floorboards.

It gets right up into every nook and cranny, I tell you.

Oh, Daddy, ew.

You come out clean as a bloody whistle.

HUNTER (VOICEMAIL): Oy, you've called Hunter.

Oy, how many chicks in bikinis you reckon we could fit in this?

Maybe like twenty? Why?

Well, it could be good for a music video, I'm just saying.

Oh, Jimmy, we can't go through this again.

No, it's different this time.

I've been working with this mad producer.

He's been working with Hilltop Hoods and all them sick pricks.

Language.

Language? You want to hear my language?

- Are you ready? - No...

JIMMY (RAPPING): Yeah, fuck the candy canes, [RAPPING] Bitch, you're making a mint,

[RAPPING] I put the cookies on the table,

[RAPPING] You've been taking it since.

[RAPPING] You think the tree is kind of big,

[RAPPING] Take a look at my dick!

- Ooh! - Come on mate, it's Christmas!

Yeah, and this is a Christmas rap.

Mate, I'm just giving the people what they want!

[BEAT BOXING]

[POWER FIZZLES] BRENDA: Oh, no.

BRENDA: The power!

The turkey!

KANE: Brenda, do you need a hand?

Don't, babe.

What would have tripped it?

I'll check the power box, Bren.

[MUSIC]

Yo, I'm loving the new vibe, sis.

No apologies, I'm just...

just loving it.

Are you high right now?

Just bourbon, blow and bitches, the usual.

I really hope you're looking after yourself, Jimmy.

You're looking at Australia's next up and coming rap talent.

Yeah, fuck the haters.

I'm living and breathing the cause, babe.

I know you believe in me.

JAMES: That power should be back on now, Bren.

All right, let's go. Tour continues.

Come on. Lei Lei.

[TECHNO MUSIC] Let's go.

Come through, come through.

Look at the lake.

I've introduced catfish into the lake there.

They're um, they're not bad eating.

There's Bubbles on his little blue pouf there. Hello Bubbsie...

Didn't think it was possible to love your own dog more than your own kids.

Well, it's because he loves us every day of the year Jimmy, not just at Christmas.

I love you every day, Daddy.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

Now, listen, Hunter's not even coming later this afternoon?

Because I need someone to kick the footy with.

Look, I've set up the posts in the backyard.

Oh and Kelly apologises too. She really wanted to meet you all.

Can Hunter even play football?

Yeah, no. Hunter's good. Did you hear me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Kelly.

We'll meet Kelly another time.

Yeah, you will.

All right? Yeah, yeah...

[RAPPING] He loves his putchy honeys,

[RAPPING] flaunting all his moneys,

[RAPPING] forget about the street, too much to eat.

[BEAT BOXING]

I need a drink.

Oh, not again, Jimmy.

Can you shut up?

Three years, hey?

Yeah.

It was pretty hard seeing you on TV and not being able to talk to you.

Yeah.

That was pretty shitty.

Very shitty.

[MUSIC]

Oh...

[BRENDA MOANS]

KANE: How are those thighs?

Excuse me?

Oh! Oh no no, the turkey's fine.

I might just turn it up a little.

Do you need a hand?

What a delightful offer.

Oh, wow.

That oven, that's pretty old.

Well, I'm, old school.

- Yeah, but that's... - You're a chef too are you?

No, I'm a vet actually.

A vet?

Yeah.

You know that Bubbles has an iron deficiency?

No one believes me.

But he's always licking rust off the front gate.

He's fed well. I just don't understand it.

Well, I could take a look if you like.

Oh, would you?

Oh, thank you, Kane.

Can I ask...

How long have you two been?

A couple.

Oh, about six months.

Oh.

Birds of a feather flock together. It's adorable...

Yeah, we're pretty happy.

Are you?

Happy?

Ah, no, no no, are you?

Trans?

Yeah.

Oh, amazing.

[BRENDA GIGGLING NERVOUSLY]

I just love how confident you all are these days.

You know, back when I was young, people like you didn't even exist.

Oh, no, we, we, we did.

Just not in front of folks like you.

Oh.

Did you want to uh, serve the platter before or after the roast?

Oh, yes.

Those curries.

Yum.

[BRENDA GIGGLES NERVOUSLY]

Ah...

[LIGHT TECHNO MUSIC]

What was that?

Santa's here...

[SINGING] Oh, Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.

[SINGING] Oh, what fun it is to ride, in a one horse open sleigh.

[LIGHT TECHNO MUSIC]

[SINGING] Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.

[SINGING] Oh, what fun it is to ride, in a one horse open sleigh.

[SPLUTTERING]

You've outdone yourself, Santa.

Well, come on, kids.

Don't be afraid.

Come in here and sit on Santa's knee.

Oopsie daisy.

What the bloody hell is that?

Sorry. What is it?

It's a snow machine.

Oh, I wanted to create a winter wonderland for Bren.

[LAUGHING]

The floorboards! Stop.

Oh, you want to dance, little lady?

Santa will oblige.

But that's what's been tripping the power

all throughout the house, Dick.

Turn it off!

[JIMMY LAUGHING]

DICK: Hey, sorry!

Oh, hey, hey, hey! Merry Christmas.

No one makes an entrance like Uncle Dick.

Have you been a good boy, Jimmy?

Yeah. [JIMMY SNORTING]

[GENTLE MUSIC]

DICK: Why won't you work?

BRENDA: Please leave it, Dick.

Yes, yes, Brenda, for you, anything.

You're absolutely right.

Okay, everyone, this is exciting, isn't it?

Well, my name is Santa Claus, of course, and I am from the North Pole.

And this little monkey is my elf.

Say hello, elf.

[MIMICKING DOG] Oh, hello!

[MIMICKING DOG] You're boring, Santa.

No, I'm not.

[MIMICKING DOG] Yes, you are.

DICK: Shut up. Be a team player.

And why does Santa owe everything to his elves?

DICK: Anyone? DICK: Come on.

DICK: Come on, don't all jump in.

DICK: You look like you want to jump in.

DICK: No.

Because he's an elf-made man.

[DICK CHUCKLING]

This suit is not breathing at all.

DICK: Right. Anyway...

Let's begin with proceedings, shall we?

The Savage Santa Swap.

Can we cut the crap and get to the envelopes?

Language, Jimmy.

I said crap, not shit, Brenda.

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

Do we still need to do this?

DAVINA: It doesn't end well.

It's a family tradition.

Ah...

JIMMY: Take it off, Dick. Woooh!

That thing is just so itchy.

DICK: Anyway, let's get on with things.

Number one goes first, as we remember.

Number two follows, and then they can force a swap with number one.

Then number three, going on down the line with them.

Anyone before them can, we all understand how this goes.

We do it every year.

Oh, Jesus, Dick.

You've got hives all over you!

I just lent this suit to Trevor.

He lives with lots of animals.

Who the fuck is Trevor?

[DICK GRUNTING]

Woooh!

That's better.

This Santa ain't no quitter.

DICK: Let's get on with it, people.

DICK: Number one. Oh, it's me.

Whee!

DICK: Right.

Whoop.

Piano music CD.

Number two, Davina.

Oh, yes!

Number three, James Sr.

JAMES: Oh, God, what have we got here?

Ah, a beard and hair trimmer set.

Um...

There we go.

[FAST MUSIC]

Number four, oh, the beautiful Brenda.

Magic rocks.

Let me guess, Leia?

They're expensive.

Number five, Leia.

I hate shortbread.

Number six. Who's Kane?

Kane.

Kittens. Cute.

[BRENDA GIGGLING]

Could you guys get more boring?

Number seven, Jimmy Junior.

[BRENDA CHUCKLING] [JAMES SCOFFING]

Yeah, makes sense.

JAMES: You couldn't play footy, but you could always drink.

Number eight is Hunter.

DICK: Where is Hunter?

Don't.

Sorry.

Well, I'll open Hunter's.

Woohoo.

Yep. Fuck.

Whoa.

Oh it's some dick on dick action.

[DICK CHUCKLING]

Jimmy, that's my favourite root vegetable.

It took me ages to get the head right.

BRENDA: Inappropriate, Jimmy.

JIMMY: What? It's just a sweet potato.

Phalluses have no place at Christmas.

Oh, youse all have a dirty mind.

The sweet potato can't help it.

It was born this way.

[DICK GASPING] JIMMY: Davina gets it.

BRENDA: Put it away, Jimmy.

JIMMY: It's a work of art.

- Give it to me. - No.

- Let go! - No!

JAMES: Drop the cock! You...

Give it to me!

[GLASS BREAKING]

[BRENDA GASPING]

Baby Jesus, not again!

[BRENDA SOBBING]

Baby Jesus got pounded by a potato penis.

Oh, this is a bad omen.

[JIMMING SNORTING]

[DICK GASPING]

Are you okay, Dick?

I just need my puffer.

Where is it. Ah. Ouch.

DICK: Here it is. [GRUNTS].

[SPRAYING PUFFER]

Thanks for caring, Davidina.

It's Davina.

There we go. Oh!

Okay, can we get the envelopes now so we can all get the fuck out of here?

I agree.

Envelopes?

[MUSIC]

A Scratchie?

Scratchies?

Is this a joke?

No.

Been a bit of a tough year.

Has it?

Tough enough to buy a luxury spa?

It's called being asset rich and cash poor.

Is it?

Anyway, we've given you kids heaps over the years.

What's wrong with a Scratchie? You could win a hundred grand.

I know what you're doing.

No one actually wins on these.

Actually, the psychology behind a Scratchie is actually incredibly cruel.

They make a fool out of anyone who tries to

win big while crushing a person's self-worth.

You sound like a spoiled brat.

Such a tight arse.

[MUSIC]

Thanks, guys. It's very thoughtful.

You're welcome.

[DOORBELL]

What now?

Is there an envelope for me?

Are you okay?

Lotion's working a treat.

No, it's power play bullshit. I'm with Jimmy on this one.

I mean, we normally get a cheque for ten grand, so yeah.

Wait, what? Ten grand?

You can have mine, Dick. I don't want it.

Great.

LEIA: I need to meditate. I need to vape.

[CAROLERS SINGING]

[SINGING] Deck the halls with boughs of holly,

That's...

[CAROLERS SINGING]

Tis the season to be jolly

Fa la la la, la la la la.

Good on you.

Woo!

Lovely singing.

Can you spare a Christmas donation?

So you want money from me now, too, do ya?

We like to think of it,

don't we gang, as a little bit of belief from you.

Makes a lot of dreams come true. Hey, Sam?

Yeah.

We're broke.

Oh, right. We get it, yeah. No, you hate us.

- What? - No... Let's go, we're out, gang.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Sorry.

The singing was great.

- Yeah, mate, come on. - Just, we...

See you, guys. Yeah.

SINGER: Back down the long fucking driveway.

Look, I've been meaning to talk to you about the money side...

Are we in trouble, James?

No, no, we're, we'll be fine, we'll be fine, Bren.

[DOWNBEAT MUSIC]

JIMMY: Um.

Yeah, I just need a bit more time, aye.

PETER (OFFSCREEN): You get me that fucking money Jimmy,

PETER (OFFSCREEN): or you're dead. You hear me?

I'm like... I've got it. I do have it.

Um, I just need to get it.

PETER (OFFSCREEN): I'm coming for you.

[DISCONNECTED] Hello?

[EASY MUSIC]

Two pine cones. That never happens.

What about this one.

It's three. Oh!

Oh, sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Yee-haa!

Thank you, baby Jesus.

Hey, everyone, hey, everyone.

No, actually, no one.

DICK: Hey, Brenda.

Can't talk, I'm on turkey time.

Yeah, you show that turkey who's boss.

We have the rest of our lives to talk.

Just get out of here. Go and enjoy yourselves.

- Well, we just thought we're happy to... - Please just get out, I said.

Okay, calm down.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

I've got everything under control.

Why don't you just go and relax?

Awe.

You hungry baby?

I don't even know why she cooks.

She can't cook.

Just leave it to her then, aye?

No, she's just jealous of my success.

And she doesn't get to be rude to you like that either.

- Don't. - No.

Oh, no.

That's it, yum yums.

Good baby.

[GASPS]

[FAST MUSIC]

Bubbles, no.

BRENDA: How did you get up there?

This took Kane hours to prepare.

Bubbles, very naughty.

Jumped all that way? A Pomeranian?

He's very agile.

BRENDA: Oh, what a shame.

I was really looking forward to trying it all.

DAVINA: Unbelievable.

I was.

BRENDA: I like curries.

Hey, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Okay, good, because I'm going to lose it.

Just take a breath.

You're okay. We're in this together.

No. What she just did in there isn't cool, okay?

DAVINA: Like, she's a monster.

Yeah, look, it wasn't great, but she's hurting.

KANE: You all are.

I just...

Like, I want them to like...

I don't even know what I want.

Or what I'm even doing here.

You're here for us, remember?

KANE: And the family we want to have.

What's with all the weird Jesus babies everywhere?

Yeah. It's pretty weird.

I need another drink.

Do you, though?

Um, what is that supposed to mean?

Look I just, I don't want you doing anything you're going to regret.

Okay, well, this entire family is built on regret.

DAVINA: And if I don't drink, I'll cry.

It's okay. Come here.

Ugh.

Stop that.

You need mistletoe to kiss.

Oh.

It's, so lovely having you back here with us.

Davina, I've missed you.

Aw, thanks, Uncle Dick.

You too.

Yep.

No, I'm good.

DICK: Yeah.

Off you go. [CHUCKLES]

Go on. Just pretend I'm not here.

Um...

[DICK GRUNTS]

- We'll probably just save it for later. - Later.

Yeah? I didn't make that weird, did I?

[GLASS CLINKING]

[CHRISTMAS MUSIC]

So...

Bubbles ate the entrees that Kane so lovingly prepared.

With a little bit of help.

And the oven's playing up, so the turkey will be a while longer.

So I've decided, as something fun and fresh,

that we'd have desserts first.

- Hmm. - Well, that's not very traditional.

My house, my rules.

BRENDA: Cheers, everyone.

Richard, can you put some clothes on please,

You're making me feel nauseous.

I'm letting my hives breathe.

Oh, Jesus.

BRENDA: So the,

BRENDA: twins, going to be with Hunter...

all day? Just seems a bit unfair...

Yeah, I mean, it's his family's turn this year, so...

LEIA: I said that, remember?

Turns? You've never done turns, sweetie. You always go to both.

Your poker face sucks, Leia.

It's okay, sweetie, but it just feels a bit weird

without the, you know, the next generation of Savages.

Mmm, dessert look amazing, Mummy?

Awe.

[CHRISTMAS MUSIC]

Anorexo again, are ya?

Been sugar free for years, dickhead.

You could do with some manners, Jimmy.

Maybe get yourself a nice girlfriend.

I've already got a girlfriend, actually. And she's really hot.

Pfft.

So, Kane, are you named after Cane and Abel in the Bible?

Uh, no. My family's Sri Lankan muslim, actually.

Interesting. So what did you all do on a Sunday?

Oh, hung out. Ate. Connected. Listened to each other.

You know, I gave David a strong biblical name.

BRENDA: He doesn't go to Church either.

BRENDA: I couldn't live without Jesus.

That's not my name anymore.

David is my dead name, and it's offensive that you keep using it.

Oh, well give us a break. We're trying.

Are you trying, though? My name is Davina.

Leia took Hunter's last name, and no one bats an eye.

I own my truth, and you all lose your minds. It's unreal.

[CHRISTMAS MUSIC]

I get you, sis.

Can I call you sis?

Yeah, you can.

Kane, can I call you brother?

Yeah. Sure.

My brother.

It's just it's the name we gave you.

I mean, you've been David for thirty years.

You literally just said it again.

Oh, don't be so sensitive. I never could say anything to you,

Can't I just take a minute to adjust?

What your mother is trying to,

explain mate is it takes a while for a parent to accept this kind of situation.

Oh, so I'm a situation now.

We're trying, but that's the bloody name we gave you, okay?

JAMES: We need time.

Three years not long enough?

Davina, can you just go easy on them? I mean,

you're not a parent. It's really hard for us.

Oh, hard for you, is it? Wow, Leia.

What, has that Botox got to your brain, Leia?

Oh, shut up, Jimmy.

I've got it. Thanks, Jimmy.

Sorry, boundary.

JIMMY: Well, I guess I'll, you know,

shut this chat up and rap that shit down...

[RAPPING]: You know, spark an evolution, or maybe a revolution.

We're trans and non-binary. Take the pride,

philosophy of the free and present tribe.

That's how I identify.

Wooh...

God, again?

Really?

Yeah, this family is so,

you know, boring. I can't stop my snoring,

You know, we're fighting back dogs and eating food like wogs.

My mum and my sister have got fucked up fish lips.

My dad thinks he's broke, but he lives in the Ritz.

Put the thing down.

Yeah, I'll put this thing down once I get my Christmas cash.

I've got bills to pay, and I ain't got no stash.

That's because you're an unemployed bum now, mate.

JAMES: Now put the bloody thing away.

It's remarkable how you freestyle that stuff, Jimmy.

Seriously, mate, what have you done with all

the money that I've given you over the years?

Have you just gambled it and pissed it away?

It's a learned behaviour.

Stay out of it, mate.

Or what? Are you gonna say that I don't exist like last time I was here?

Mate.

That is a bullshit statement.

We all did things we regretted that Christmas.

I think you had quite the list, Davina.

Yeah, I've never seen anyone slash a piss

like you missed all over the carpet.

[CHUCKLING]

You pissed on the carpet?

I was really drunk, okay?

And then you punched my pudding.

Bang!

And then you broke my grandmother's nativity set.

Baby Jesus loves getting smashed.

Oh, and it was all entirely unprompted, was it?

Okay, enough!

We are finally back together.

And I have spent days on this lunch, as any good chef does,

and I will not tolerate this behaviour.

We've a guest, in case you all forgot.

It's baby Jesus, and it's his birthday, for goodness sake.

[GIGGLING]

Oh. How far off is the turkey?

I don't know! I've turned the oven up so high I hope it burns!

[SOOTHING MUSIC]

What the fuck was that?

They're relentless.

Can you see now why I hate Christmas?

Yeah, well, they're pretty cooked.

But I tell you what.

Jimmy's raps, they're pretty entertaining.

Please, do not encourage him.

Yeah, nah.

Okay, they're all fucked.

You know, I've done so much work on myself,

and it's hard to come back here and see how much hurt there is in everyone.

Yeah, but you're still hurting too, babe.

I'm just supposed to be broken forever, then?

You know, I really opened up to James when I came out,

and he made me feel so unsafe and so unseen.

And don't even get me started on Brenda.

At least with James, I thought I could get somewhere today.

There's still time.

Is there?

Yeah.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Daz, Daz, yeah um,

Hey, sorry to call you like this, um,

I need that twenty bucks, you owe me.

No, it was three months ago.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I just need it today.

Yeah. Do you have it?

Yeah yeah can you, yeah, I need it.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Fuck.

[DOG BARKING]

Piss off Bubbles.

[DOG BARKING]

What, you want some? You want some?

[DOG BARKING] Huh? Fuck off!

Jimmy? Jimmy, what the hell are you doing?

[DOG BARKING]

Ah, nothing. Just chilling by the pool.

Was that a gun?

Well, Bubbles was attacking me. It was self-defense.

Oh buy me a drink first, you sex pest.

- Where is it, Jimmy? - Ah, where's what?

Jimmy brought a gun to Christmas.

A gun? What do you mean?

Yeah, why do you still have a gun if you got fired?

I didn't get fired. I quit. The sneaky stitches, bunch of freaky bitches.

Doesn't matter. You brought a gun to Christmas, Jimmy.

That's fucked up even for you.

And you brought an eye-brooch...

[MUSIC]

Get off my back.

What the fuck is wrong with him?

I don't know but he's proper fucked.

[MUSIC]

James.

[JAMES CLEARING THROAT]

You okay?

Aye? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Anyway um, under 17's or 15's?

No, under 17s. State team, that one.

The scouts were there that day, and they were sure that he was going to the Boars.

That SHE was going to the Boars. The Wild Boars.

- Your team, wasn't it? - Yeah!

- Yeah.

Gives me a lot of joy, that photo.

Now, you need a top-up.

- Love one! - Yep?

LEIA: For fuck's sake, Hunter. It's one day.

I mean, please just call me back.

God.

Hunter's family have always been wankers.

I've never liked them.

Yeah, well, they definitely don't like me.

Hey, what's really going on here?

Nothing.

Come on, Lei. It's me. Talk to me.

I mean, he cheated on me. I cheated on him, the usual. It's,

it's whatever.

It's fine. I's our thing...

Lately, I guess I've been going a bit hard on the pills and the booze.

I haven't been a good mother. I know that.

And then he came home and found me passed out

with the girls and called Child Protective Services so,

he won.

Oh my God. Lei.

- Um, that's all fucked. - Yeah.

But I've got you.

Okay, after everything we've grown up with, I'm not surprised.

It's just... it's all learned behaviour.

Okay, I mean, that's part of why I'm here.

To break this intergenerational shit and...

Just don't have kids, okay, because you'll ruin them no matter what.

Kids scare the shit out of me.

[MELANCHOLIC MUSIC]

You know, she used to cry in here?

When you would give her the silent treatment.

A lot of people cried in here.

You could be brutal. Like Dad.

You know, I really wanted to be you sometimes.

You always seemed so sure of yourself, even in your silence.

I guess that's why when I reached out and heard nothing back, it,

kinda broke me a bit.

We're all little broken, aren't we?

Yeah but, I'd be happy to be broken with you.

[CHUCKLING]

Please don't tell anyone about the kids.

Hey, I've got you.

I'm gonna clean myself up and get them back, I promise. I just,

need to get through this fucking Christmas.

You and me both, sis.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

Oh! I feel nine pound lighter.

[DICK SINGING] In the deep midwinter,

where frost has made it's home,

worshipping beloved's kiss long, long ago...

This family is just...

Did he just take a massive shit?

DICK: Oh, cologne.

[MUSIC]

Mmm, me too.

It's uncanny.

I can see it in your eyes.

You still want,

Dick.

[SNEAKY MUSIC]

[KEYPAD BEEPING]

Shit.

[SNEAKY MUSIC]

[DOG BARKING]

Piss off.

[DOG BARKING]

Piss off Bubbles.

[DOG BARKING]

BRENDA: Bubbles, where are you?

Shit.

[MELANCHOLIC MUSIC]

BRENDA: David...

JIMMY: You drug fucker!

Are they Xannies? Is that why you're so fucked up?

LEIA: You creep. What are you doing in here?

JIMMY: Has Hunter moved out again?

What? Shut up and get out.

No. He's actually divorcing ya.

Am I right?

I am, aye.

That's no good.

You're full of shit.

Anyway, who brings a gun to Christmas?

Oh, who's after you now?

No one. Just need the code to this.

JIMMY: Oh, yes.

Really, Jimmy? Unbelievable.

I guess I'll tell everyone the real reason

why Hunter and the kids aren't coming to lunch then, yeah?

You're a maniac.

You know nothing about anything.

You don't even know how to look after yourself.

Well, says the person who's never had a career.

You lived off in your entire adult life, now what?

How long are you gonna keep playing the victim, Jimmy?

Just I need the code to this, Leia, please.

Oh, my God. Just stop being the same old fucked up Jimmy for once.

LEIA: I'm honestly done with you.

I have nothing else to give you.

You're a complete failure.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Leia, Leia, Leia.

I'm in trouble.

And not just with the cops, um.

I went undercover.

Yeah, I wasn't supposed to and I got caught up in it.

I thought I could make some money.

Like, real money. So people would start taking me seriously,

but, I completely fucked it, Leia.

- How much do you owe? - Twenty grand.

I've been at the pokies for days trying to win it all back, but...

These are serious guys, Lei.

They did that to your face?

Please. I don't want to die, Lei. Help me?

Do people really kill for twenty grand these days?

Since COVID, yeah.

Knowing Dad, there's probably a shit ton of cash in there.

He just said he had no cash.

And why the fuck would there be cash

in a safe you can pick up and walk away with?

Trust me. There has to be cash in there.

How do you think these fuckers stay rich?

If I do this, you really need to get some help, Jimmy.

Like, real help. Do you understand me?

Of course. Real help. I promise.

And you have to stop rapping.

You're shit.

It's just your asshole opinion.

Come on.

I'm the favourite.

I've got so much to lose.

For fuck's sake, Leia. It's a loan. We'll put it back.

Fine. Okay.

But you pay it back before they notice. I swear to God, Jimmy.

[KEYPAD BEEPING] - Piss off, Bubbles.

[KEYPAD SUCCESS]

JIMMY: Cheques?

Letters.

Oh he's back on the dope again. Sweet.

Oy, how much do you reckon we could get for Dad's medal?

Yeah, because your gangster's really gonna take a medal of some

washed-up footy player over twenty grand.

Yeah, nah.

[TENSE BEAT]

[SOBBING]

Lei, what's it say?

[SOBBING]

Lei, I'm sorry.

JIMMY: Lei...

You broke into their safe?

Of course you did.

Leia, what happened?

[SPARK SOUND]

Oh, Jesus.

Come on. [SPARK SOUND]

What?

[SPARK]

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

- Bloody Iceworld! - Just turn it off!

Geez, you're a liability.

Uh, don't you worry. I'm gonna take it back and get an upgrade.

No one cares, Richard.

DICK: I will. Hopefully Iceworld's still open.

Sorry about that. Um...

Where were we?

Uh, under 14. Yeah, under 15's.

Oh, mate, that was a big year.

The two P's. Puberty and pussy.

[DOG YELPS] Oh, shit!

Bubbles, you little shit.

Bubbles?

[SLOW MUSIC BEAT]

Bubbles?

Wake up.

Wake up!

Oh...

[DICK GASPS]

Oh God.

[LONG SIGH]

[SIGH]

Ah...

[DICK GROANING]

Let's just get another drink and we'll take a moment and we'll figure this out.

Jesus!

What are you doing?

Oh, um

Nothing, I was...

I was going for a swim.

What's that?

It's my towel. For my swim.

Right.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Is he?

I don't know.

I stood on him and stuff came out.

I'm way too blazed for this.

No, no, no, no, no.

Brenda's gonna have my balls.

Jimmy, you gotta help me here.

I'll give you anything.

Please just, please help me. Jimmy, please

- Please. - Okay just chill the fuck out!

I'm sorry.

Cash. Cash. You need cash? You always need cash.

Well, if you give me twenty grand, I'll help.

Done.

When I was playing, coaches, they were just

big blokes and they just bellow at ya!

You know and these days, oh, it's all sort of tippy-toe around and all that stuff.

And eventually I took the coach aside

and I said, you've gotta inspire a player like Dav.

You know, you are not gonna get the performances.

Eh, I'm boring you am I?

Oh, no. No, not at all. I love hearing about this stuff.

Honestly, I do, but

I think this time's better spent with Dav...

She just wants to kick the footy with you, mate, like old times. You know?

She said that? Yeah!

I mean a lot's changed but

a lot hasn't.

Well, bloody hell.

It'd be good to see her crash-tackle the shit out of Jimmy, wouldn't it?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Savage Christmas footy is on!

Oi, oi, oi, no, no, no. You gotta stop wearing my clothes.

Oh.

- What's that smell? - It's your cologne.

Really? It smells like shit on you.

Hey, Jimmy, guess what mate? Savage Christmas footy is on.

You ready to kiss the dirt? You fucking loser.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

All right, warm up done, suckers. Let's get into it.

Who's ready to repeat the glory days of 1995?

You are.

Okay, Davey, you're... Sorry, Davina you're with me.

No, no, no, no. It's me and Uncle Dick and Kane. Yeah?

Oh, no, no, no. I'll sit this one out.

Ok, it's just me and Uncle Dick versus father and son.

Oh and Leia.

Uh, yeah, okay. Jim, Lei Lei, come on let's go.

Over on this side. Oh, ah...

Watch the blind side. Don't kick on the third tackle.

You know, sliding defense, any of that ring a bell?

Yeah, yeah, no, I was really frickin' good at this, remember?

- You were. - Yeah. Prepare to lose.

[BRENDA CHEERING]

You ready to get fucked up, bro?

I'm already fucked up. Wooh!

Here we go!

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

JAMES: Oh... damn it!

[LAUGHING AND SQUEALING]

Very nice, Davina. Go Dick.

DAVID: Hey, this one's for you, Bren.

Oh, fuck!

[GROANING] Jesus.

Yes!

- Get off me, you bastard! - Nice Davina.

Come on, Uncle Dick.

I doubted you mate, but that was great.

[CHUCKLING]

Run, run, run, run, run!

Go you!

- Where the... - Where were you, mate?

Lei Lei, come on mate, you've got to get into the game.

Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!

What the fuck.

Jesus, Jimmy!

It was coming right for me.

It was mine mate. I called it.

- Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine! - Shit!

Come on, Jimmy, get up! Quick sticks!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Where am I going? Where am I going?

- Where, where?

- What the fuck. - Oh...

Dav!

- Gimme it, gimme it. - Yours, Dick.

Yes!

- Well done, James. - Oh...

You okay, mate?

Yeah, that hurt.

Come on, come on.

Why'd he do that?

It's nice, isn't it? You touching my head?

Tenderly. Ow.

Think you might be a bit concussed, Dick.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

You run across, I'll run around behind.

Okay, and you take it and go down the right side.

Okay!

Fuck. JAMES: Ready Lei Lei?

Go!

Leia, catch!

Oh, come on, Lei Lei. Try a bit harder.

I don't want to play a bullshit game!

Okay, all right, take five.

Oh, honestly.

You're all fucked.

Are you okay? Do you need anything?

New family, maybe?

[VOMITING]

Is she okay? Has she eaten?

She's been lied to about her whole life.

[VOMITING]

What does that mean?

Oh fuck! Okay, help me get her in the spa.

Come on.

You know what? I'm just gonna fucking carry her.

Oooh. Oh!

Yeah, I'll um, get her stuff.

- You're a powerful woman. - You're so sloshed.

[ETHEREAL MUSIC]

Nothing matters anymore.

Nothing.

We need to have it out with them.

No! I'm not ready to...

Unlike you, I don't need to ruin Christmas because I'm hurting.

This is serious, Leia.

They can't keep lying.

KANE: Whatever's going on is her truth, Dav.

KANE: She's gotta confront it alone.

KANE: Please, promise me you won't get involved, babe?

BRENDA: Kids, turkey time!

LEIA: How did I get in here?

Ta-da!

The turkey has landed.

[BACKGROUND CHRISTMAS MUSIC]

That's...

a turkey...

I'm sure it's tender on the inside.

Stupid snow machine tripped the power and

turned the over up so blame Dick.

I am sorry, Brenda.

I truly am.

You know what? You will have your white Christmas.

[SINGING] From long, long ago...

Save me some of that crispy, crispy skin.

What's happened to you, Lei Lei? You'll catch a cold.

I'd rather catch a cold and die than be like you.

[SIGHS]

Kane, why don't you say grace?

Oh, um...

Sure.

Kain isn't Christian.

He was pretty clear about that earlier.

Grace is for all sinners. God knows you two have sinned.

You know, I think it's pretty rich of you to ask Kane to say grace

when you let Bubbles eat his platter.

What, too third world for you, was it?

Dav.

I'm happy to do grace, honestly.

We don't need the God bullshit, Brenda.

Okay?

Having us here is a privilege, not a right.

What gives you the right to be so indignant

after being a ghost for three years?

I spent my whole childhood as a ghost.

Told to be grateful that you saved me?

All this white saviour complex bullshit.

We all deserve an apology.

Actually, mate, we're the ones who deserve the apology.

Apologise to you? Mm-hmm.

You've lied to us about our whole entire existence.

No wonder we struggle to know who the fuck we are.

- Shut up! - No!

I exist now, don't I?

I mean, you see me now, right?

No, I see a spoiled brat.

You want to know where all my money went?

On giving you kids a good life.

A good life built on deception.

[SCOFFS]

You told Leia her birth mother was dead.

DAVINA: We found the letters.

Is my story a lie, too?

You broke into my safe?

Back on the dope, too. Thanks, mate. Good shit.

Are you back on the marijuana, James?

Don't change the subject, Brenda.

Davina, I found the letters. Don't speak for me.

I'm standing up for you, Leia.

- Lei Lei, darling. - No!

Brenda. You don't get to talk right now.

- What are you doing, Davina? - Let the grown ups talk Jimmy.

Enough!

Enough. I'm happy to do grace, Brenda. Okay?

Whatever gets his shit show over so I can leave.

KANE: Okay.

Thank you, God.

Jesus.

Mohammed.

Whoever.

For everyone here today.

We've all got our history.

We're all different.

And God knows we've all made mistakes.

But we're here with this...

Turkey.

It's still Christmas.

And we're still family.

KANE: So let's forgive.

And when discussing the past...

Amen.

I'm not finished, Brenda.

And when we're discussing the past,

let's stop blaming each other.

Now, for this next part,

I really want all of your commitment, okay?

Take a deep breath.

Close your eyes, and let's take each other's hands.

Come on, you too.

Here's, to letting go of what's been done.

Here's to reconciling and...

moving forward and accepting.

I'm sorry, Hunter?

You should pick up your phone, champ.

Bloody hell. Who are you?

- I'm a friend of Jimmy's. - Peter.

Who are you?

I'm his dad.

That was a rhetorical question.

What have you done, Jimmy?

Jimmy owes me twenty grand.

PETER: You see, young Jimmy here likes to gamble with other people's money.

In this case, my money.

Which he lost.

And now I've come to collect my cash, today.

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jesus.

All right, mate. Listen, we don't have any money okay? So how do we fix this?

- Really? You don't have any money? - We don't!

Apparently.

I mean, look at this cheap turkey.

But I have slaved over this, and it is getting eaten. Now,

You can wait outside, Peter,

or you're welcome to join us,

But Christmas lunch is happening now, okay?

What's your name?

Brenda. Brenda?

That's a lovely name.

PETER: That was my third wife's name,

may she rest in peace.

Only joking.

Ah Brenda, I will eat the veggies, but I'm not eating that bird

because you have cooked it to the point of cremation.

Oh, I'm sorry. Have youse finished with your prayers yet?

Oh, yeah. Good.

Cos prayers are for losers.

That might be where you've gone wrong, Peter.

[BRENDA SIGHS]

Eat something, Lei Lei.

Leave me alone, Brenda.

- You really should eat something, Leia. - Stop speaking for me.

I'm trying to help you.

I don't need you to. None of us do. You left.

You don't get to come back and start fighting everyone's battles.

This is not about me leaving.

This is your issue. It's not on me.

Babe.

Stay out of it Kane, please.

No. It is about you leaving.

Mate, we all were upset that night.

We all said things we regret,

but that doesn't mean you just go off and,

leave us for dead for three years.

You made it impossible for me to stay.

Because, you're all so toxic.

Actually, I think the most toxic thing here is your self-righteousness.

- Actually, I'm pretty sure Jimmy is. - Oh!

I don't know why we bothered, Bren.

Bothered with what?

Hmm? Adopting us?

Good question. Cos,

I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed me to be for your ego, James.

I don't have an ego, mate.

[SCOFFS]

JAMES: How bloody ungrateful.

I've been nothing but honest with all of you.

Oh... honest are we, James?

Do you want to tell them all why we had to adopt after Jimmy?

It's cos you wouldn't sleep with me, only with everybody else.

Well there's a twist.

Because you wouldn't put out Brenda.

- That is complete bullshit, James. - Language, Brenda.

I was completely up for it.

I mean, look at me.

How could you not go for this?

BRENDA: Thank you, Peter.

BRENDA: Instead, you were always off on those

footy trips and you left me all alone with Jimmy.

[JAMES CHUCKLING]

You hear that, Jim? She regrets having you.

What, you blame me for being born?

That's not fair, James.

You know Jimmy

I'm starting to understand where your self-destructive tendencies come from.

You know, if I'd known you were gonna blow our money, I'd never have stuck around.

Oh, what bullshit. You couldn't wait to get married.

You practically forced me.

After I met you when you were working in that shitty kitchen.

Still got a shitty kitchen.

You couldn't wait to be Brenda Savage, wag number one.

And I know why you got the big fat spa too, James.

It's for all your little sluts.

Fuck me sideways.

You're James Savage.

PETER: I never put that together.

'95 MVP in Premiership, Legend of the Wild Boars.

Yep, mate, that's me.

Well, this is wild. I'm a life member.

- Yeah, good on you. - You were great.

Til you turned into a fatso and got old and they dropped you in' 01.

No, no, no, I got old and injured.

Just about ripped the bicep off the bone. You see that lump there?

- No. - You see that?

Well, you must have come back way too early, mate,

because when you came back, you looked like you'd eaten a lot of cream buns.

Oh see, that's bullshit. I couldn't train. You read that in the club magazine.

Really?

You're going to talk about the glory days with a guy that's hear to knock Jimmy off.

Actually, I think it might be helping the situation,

so why don't you stay out of it?

I'll stay out of things once you stop spewing your guts out

and losing control of your life.

- Oh. - Hunter's definitely divorcing you, hey?

Oh, yeah, Jimmy, and who wanted to open their safe?

Hmm, there's nothing in there, so who cares anyway?

You know, I wish I had three of Bubbles instead of all this hate.

There, I said it.

Well, Dick killed your precious dog, okay?

He stood on him, some shit came out, and that's why he really left.

JIMMY: And he left him in the study.

Wait, what?

Yeah.

That sick prick.

Oh, no.

Where's my baby boy?

[GUNSHOT] [BRENDA SCREAMS]

JAMES: Oh, shit!

Sit. Back. Down.

Fuck me.

What a shit show.

My turn.

Now, I got my kids waiting in the car for me,

so I'm leaving here, in twenty minutes with 20k

or...

Uh, excuse me, Peter, um

do people really kill for twenty grand? It just doesn't...

I've killed for a carton of cigarettes, mate.

Yep, okay.

Oh, man.

Surely we have got something in the safe.

Uh, no, it's just the medal, and that's it.

But we did have money in there.

You really don't. It's just the medal.

The MVP medal?

Well, that'd be worth a bit.

How did you piss it all away, James?

From gambling and women.

From trying to keep you happy, Bren.

The '95 MVP medal...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's not for sale.

Oh, everything's for sale, mate.

Or would you rather keep it and see him dead?

Fuck you.

I'll take it. Show me the safe.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Mate, I could just blow his head off now and take the medal anyway.

I don't want to do that, but I will.

No, I'm not giving it up.

You are a sad man.

You don't get to call the shots anymore, James.

No one is dying today.

Peter, come through. I will take you to the safe.

Right. That means everybody.

Up we go.

Oh...

[TENSE MUSIC]

Oh!

Bubbles.

Oh. My baby's alive.

I thought I'd lost you forever.

What's it doing on the floor?

He's chewed the ribbon.

Well, where's the medal?

Where's the medal?

Oh.

Oh, Jesus. He didn't. He hasn't.

I think he's eaten it. He's eaten the bloody medal.

- Why would he eat the bloody medal? - He's got an iron deficiency. Don't.

Well we're going to have to cut him open.

Oh. Ah...

Okay.

What? No!

I wouldn't move him around that much. It might actually be lodged...

- Shut up. - Yep. Yep.

Go, go.

Where's the dog?

Brenda.

[BRENDA SOBBING]

You better get that dog back in here.

Please, Mum, I don't want to die.

BRENDA: Please don't do this, Peter.

Oh. It's okay. He's out on the lawn.

He's probably thrown it up.

Well, let's go. Move it.

- Ok. Yep, yep, yep. Go, go, go, go. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[BASS MUSIC]

I don't know if this is poo or spew.

I don't think there's anything else out here, Jimmy.

Just keep looking. We've got to buy time.

So, Brenda...

What's your take on the 2,000-year-old wizard?

Do you mean God, Peter?

Yeah. God, Jesus.

Oh, well, I just... I think all of it's lovely.

I could talk you through it someday, you know, if you've got the time.

Actually, one thing.

Did you know that you were named after a saint?

St Peter.

Is that right? What was he the saint of?

I don't know. I don't know what he was the saint of.

Probably had lovely blue eyes like you, though.

Jimmy don't act weird, okay, but Dick's back.

- Where? - Behind me.

[TENSE MUSIC]

What are you doing?

It's actually just a... a massaging technique.

Cos if he hasn't vomited, it's going to have to come out the other end.

I'm a vet.

Where's your gun, did you put it somewhere?

It's over the fence, next to the palm tree.

Hey Bren, what did he have for breakfast?

Just some organic ribeye and a chat potato.

- Right. - Yeah, and curries.

PETER: That dog's got a better diet than I have.

Happy to cook for you, Peter, any time.

Be little kinda, brownie maroon colour, chunks.

BRENDA: Look for a sea of brown.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, that's it. Time's up. Let's go.

Oy, Savage.

I've got a little job for you while we wait.

PETER: Come on now. Chop, chop.

We're almost there. I can feel it.

Well, what's this breathing labour?

Is he dying or something?

Well, he did just swallow a medal.

He's got an iron defficiency.

Well, let's cut him open.

[WHIMPER]

You could, but I wouldn't recommend it,

cos then you've got rigor mortis swelling and...

Don't talk to me about rigor mortis mate.

I'm all over rigor mortis.

Put the gun down.

Oh, who the fuck are you?

I'm Santa Claus.

And you better leave this house or,

I'm gonna yippee-ki-yay, you mother...

Richard! Just please put the gun down.

What do you want?

I came here to collect 20K that Jimmy owes me.

But no-one in this house has gotten any cash.

PETER: Which I still find very difficult to believe.

So I was just gonna shoot him, instead.

No, no, you can't shoot Jimmy.

Well, I'm a big fan of Savage here,

so then I was gonna take his footy medal from the '95 season.

But then the dog ate the medal, won't shit it out,

and now I have to shoot the fuckin dog to get the fuckin medal.

You don't have to fucking shoot the fucking anything, all right?

Because I have your money!

Is that a Scratchie?

Yep.

That's my Scratchie.

I'm so glad I could save you, Jimmy.

You mean the world to me.

Really?

Why?

Dick don't.

Well, seeing we're all living in the do or die,

I may as well come clean.

I'm Jimmy's son.

- What?

I mean, Jimmy is my son.

JIMMY: What?

JAMES: What are you talking about,

JAMES: you fuckin moron?

I'm Jimmy's dad.

- Oh... - Tell him, Brenda.

Dick, you promised me.

DICK: I should have done this years ago.

DICK: I met her first.

DICK: You remember?

I bought her a Brandy Alexander at the snow that time,

and you cut my lunch.

She only went with you because you had money.

Well, now I'm rich.

Wait, you haven't won nothing.

Haha. Yes, I have. Three pine cones.

Come here.

You got two pine cones and one pudding.

You mixed up your pine cones with your pudding, you great pillock.

Shit.

You fucked my brother?

Come on.

You fucked my wife!

I'm sorry.

No!

I'm not sorry.

I'm gonna kill you, you bastard.

Brenda, help.

You fucked my wife!

James, stop!

She was lonely, all right?

And then I just sort of fell in.

Go on, you mother...

[STRUGGLE]

[GUNSHOT]

[FAST PACED MUSIC]

I should have done this hours ago.

[GUN COCKS]

Any last words, Savages?

BRENDA: No, please don't!

JAMES: No, no, no, no, mate. No, no, no, no.

[WHACK] PETER: Ugh.

[BODY HITTING FLOOR]

JIMMY: Holy shit, Davina.

Get back, get back, get back!

Look.

DAVID: He's bloody out cold.

Don't do it, James.

LEIA: Daddy, don't!

Well, how about I just shoot his dick off, then?

James, it was one time.

One time, Brenda. And a bullseye.

And I lose another son.

BRENDA: I've stood by you all these years, James.

That must mean something.

James Savage, I made a mistake.

I did, but how many mistakes did you make?

He's my brother, Brenda. He's Richard!

Jesus Christ, all I've done my whole bloody life is provide for all of you.

And this is the thanks I get.

Stop it!

Maybe you deserve this.

What?

Maybe it's all over for us as a family.

Maybe this should be our last Christmas together.

Well I tell you what, it's going to be your last Christmas, mate.

Come out from behind her, you piece of shit!

DAVINA: Or...

Or maybe this is our first Christmas...

finally being real with each other.

Owning our shit and owning our hurt.

Davina's right. We all need to accept that we have all made mistakes.

Every single one of us.

James.

Drop the guns.

- Please. - Dad, put down the guns, please.

Listen to my son. Drop the g...

[HEADBUT. SQUEAL]

- Oh! - No, no, no.

[GRUNTING] [GUNSHOT]

- Oh! - Get out of it.

[GUNSHOT]

[BRENDA YELLS] [JAMES YELLS]

Oh, my God! Mum?

- Brenda! - Oh, Mum!

DICK: Brenda!

JAMES: Oh...

She's not moving. Call an ambulance.

Yep.

KANE: Hello? Yeah, we need an ambulance.

Hey, you okay, Dick?

Call me Dad.

KANE: Well, there was an incident.

KANE: Yeah, there was like a penis,

- A gun, - Tell them we got three down.

Three down? Got it. I feel sick.

[THUD]

Make it four down.

KANE: Four, yeah. Maybe one dead. I don't know about the rest.

It's just... It's fucked. Just send someone.

Anyone!

Are you coming in?

Yeah, I'm not coming in, Dav.

What?

Look, I'm sorry about today, okay?

Today was the worst.

Well, I did warn you.

It's not them. It's you.

Today's got me thinking. I just, don't know the real you anymore.

Everyone's family makes them crazy.

Don't shrug it off like that.

Okay. I'm really sorry.

I just don't think you want what I want, Dav.

Yeah.

I'm not sure I want to be a parent.

Okay.

Wow.

DAVINA: Not yet, at least.

And you're right.

I might be more broken than I've realised.

DAVINA: Kane, I love you.

DAVINA: But I need time.

Obviously, I need to heal.

I would love it if you could be there when I do.

Please.

Okay.

I can't believe you hit Peter in the head with a potato penis.

[DAVINA CHUCKLES]

And that's not even the weirdest thing that's happened today.

KANE: At all. Now we've got to go.

Oh, my God. For the hundredth time, sit down.

Does Peter leave you in the car on all his jobs?

If we don't see anything, we can't be accessories.

Yeah.

Did Dad kill anyone today?

He has done a number on you kids, honestly.

DOCTOR: I'll get back to you on that. Brenda Savage.

DOCTOR: Ah, yes. So we're looking at a cerebral edema.

Right. What's that?

Is she? Sorry, is she okay?

Ah, well, that's hard to say.

Ummm, layman's terms, big ass swelling on the brain.

DOCTOR: So we might have to put her into a drug-induced coma, which would suck.

DOCTOR: But we need to wait to see if that bloated brain of hers calms down.

Now, it was a chandelier, yeah? Mm.

Yeah, those things are brutal. They splinter into a thousand shards of glass

so very low survival rate there.

Sorry.

Oh, God.

DOCTOR: Anyway, ah, we will keep that monitored, but, um,

Yeah. Wouldn't want to be her.

And Christmas, so that's really particularly quite tragic.

- Is anyone here for Jeffrey Summers? - No, no, no.

This is the chandelier...

Oh, fuck. DOCTOR: The brain.

Smoke?

Yeah.

Meanwhile, just, uh, patience, yeah?

Thoughts and prayers.

NURSE: Oh, menthols!

[TENSE MUSIC]

[DAVID GROANS]

Do you realise that, Mum could die because of me?

It's not your fault.

I tell you what I learned today, that I,

I could have done a hell of a lot better by both of ya.

Look.

You might have been selfish, arrogant and egotistical.

Petty.

Controlling.

Oh, all right, all right. I get it.

But we do love you.

Listen, um,

I should have said this earlier today, but I'm,

actually really proud of who you've both become.

You were a footy star, turned chef.

And you were a bloody policeman, turned, um,

rapper.

You know, it's...

very proud.

[BIG SIGH]

I don't think I'll ever get over today.

But I, um,

I just hope that, um...

that you'll both still see me as your dad.

Of course you're our dad.

We just wanted to be loved for who we were.

You know, not what we did.

Exactly.

Right.

Hey, it'll be all right, Dad.

[DAVID GRUNTS] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[PASSING TIME MUSIC]

Kids. She's gone.

[GASP] What? Oh my God.

No, upstairs. Sorry, she's gone upstairs.

Then why say gone, mate? DOCTOR: Sorry.

- Don't say gone. - Sorry.

It's a country hospital. It's my second triple shift

so I've just done a double triple.

You know, I've got no kids, so here I am.

Now, the brain swelling has subsided.

All she needed was some butterfly stitches

so no operation, and remarkably,

no brain damage.

She might seem a bit slow, so you might think there's a bit but,

she is okay.

- So we can see her? - No.

No, she's asked for, um...

Oh, fuck...

Lila!

Uh, Leia?

Leia. That's what I said. Come through.

More coffee?

Ah, yeah, babe. Thank you.

Coffee?

Ah, no thanks, Kane. I'm good.

What?

It's just the first time that you've used his name.

It's sweet. Oh.

Listen, um...

I never meant that you didn't exist.

I... I just that I, um...

I couldn't handle it.

I just... I kept thinking I was losing you.

Losing my best mate.

My boy.

I was so desperate to be what you wanted me to be.

And it broke my heart.

I couldn't give that anymore.

JAMES: Can I ask,

When did you stop feeling like David?

I never was David.

I know that that hurt you.

But it hurt me more.

I'm so sorry, Davina.

Me too.

I'm getting make-up on your footy jersey.

Oh, stop it, I'm hugging my daughter.

Well, if you were gonna go, death by chandelier is certainly en-vogue.

LEIA: But I'm glad you didn't die.

[SIGH]

BRENDA: I only kept the good letters, Lei Lei.

The others weren't pretty.

We tried to support your birth mum as much as we could,

but she just kept wanting more.

BRENDA: We had to cut her off.

BRENDA: And then when she wanted you back,

you were my baby, I couldn't give you up.

You are always going to be my mum.

- But I deserved the truth. - You did.

I have kept so many secrets for so long, they've eaten me alive.

Hunter and I separated, Mum.

I messed up really bad this time.

BRENDA: I figured.

You and I cut from the same cloth, aren't we?

I don't know who I am anymore.

I don't know if I ever did.

Well go and find out.

Before you're too far gone like me.

Hey, nobody's too far gone.

We could find ourselves together?

PETER: Oh, stop. You're breaking my heart.

PETER: Shall I start playing a violin for you's?

LEIA: Oh, he's in your room?

Peter?!

Has that dog taking a shit yet?

I would think your first question would be, how are my kids?

Oh, yeah. How are my kids?

Fine, Peter.

DICK: Brenda Savage, the love of my life.

Oh, Dick.

Leia, wheel me over to Brenda.

Oh, look, you're fine where you are, Dick.

DICK (SINGING): In the bleak mid-winter, long, long ago.

Oh, it was one time, okay?

She's just not that into you, mate. Get over it.

Thank you, Peter.

No.

Oy, do you reckon it'll be soon, Kane?

Yeah, I'd say so.

You can't give up the medal, Dad. It's a part of you, your legacy.

Well, I appreciate that, Davina, I do. But he's a dangerous man, and it's,

going back on a deal is not a good idea.

100%.

Why don't you give him the spa? There's at least fifty grand in that, yeah?

The spa? Oh, well I don't know about that.

You guys can go and visit her now.

Oh.

Good luck.

Oh, um, sorry, you can't take the dog in there.

Well, he's going to do a poo soon.

Ugh.

- Well I can't leave him. - Well take him outside then.

Well. Can you take him outside?

Please?

Okay...

Oh, Bren, Bren, I'm so happy you're okay.

PETER'S SON: Hey, Dad. Hello son.

PETER'S SON: Dad, did you kill anyone?

Plenty of time for that, son.

How's my medal coming along?

The medal isn't happening.

What, so I'm back to knocking Jimmy then?

We're going to give you a brand new spa instead.

Final offer.

A spa? What am I going to do with a spa?

We had a deal.

Or, we could make a deal that I call Child Protective Services.

How about that, Peter?

The spa got all them mods and that?

It's imported. Hand-crafted.

If I can't get 20K for this alleged spa,

I'm going to come back and bust all your kneecaps. Alright, Jimmy?

You'll get more than 20K, pal. It's German.

And it's the only thing you're getting today, besides a concussion.

Thanks for that, sis.

Love you.

I love you, too.

I love you, too, Jimmy.

[CHUCKLES]

Come to Daddy. [CHUCKLES]

You okay?

Yeah. I am now my big baby boy.

[CHUCKLES]

Ho, ho, ho, hey? All's well that ends well.

The only sad thing is that we didn't get to enjoy Brenda's delicious turkey.

Hey.

Shut up.

I would have eaten it.

You're right, Dad. I got ya.

Am I in your crew?

Yeah.

[RAPPING] Here we are in the hospital.

[RAPPING] It's impossible.

[RAPPING]

- Yeah, nice. - You like it?

Yeah, it's good. It's just umm, you know,

you're a beginner. It just takes a bit longer.

My brother.

JIMMY: I'll come back and pick you up, okay?

DAVINA: To family.

Grudges aside.

- Yay. - Cheers!

Kelly. What are you doing here?

Well I tried calling you, but your phone was off.

- Oh. - Umm, hi all.

Sorry babe, I was on my burner.

- Oh. - Sorry.

Merry Christmas.

So, sorry, you're Kelly?

Oh, yes, sorry. I had family dramas yesterday.

- What happened to your face? - Well, it's a long story.

You missed quite the day yesterday.

- Oh, what did I miss? - Oh shit, I

I forgot to get Dick from the hospital.

Can you take me?

Who's Dick?

Oh, he's my uncle and he dressed up as Santa Claus,

and then we found out that my mum and him...

Um... What?

Let's get out of here.

Oh, okay.

See ya. Um, bye.

She's hot.

She is...

Do you think she's, Ukrainian?

Oh, oh, oh! I've got it! I've got it!

Oh, you bloody beauty, come to Daddy.

Yes!

Your beauty! It's like 1995 all over again!

[ALL CHEERING]

Come on Bubbles. Too slow. Come on.

JAMES: Oh he's passed ya. He's passsed ya!

Yes! [CHUCKLING]

[MUSIC]

I actually don't mind Christmas now.

I absolutely hate it now, thanks.

Davina! Wait!

These should be yours, darling.

[SOFT MUSIC]

Thanks, Mum.

We should, uh, we should get going.

Yeah.

Hey.

Ah, don't be strangers.

We can't be.

We're family.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[RAP SONG]