Original subtitles

For God's sake, Dr.

Schmuck, will you hurry up?

Patience, Miss Beck.

You must have patience.

See how it boils?

How beautiful it looks?

This time I will not fail.

Well, hurry up, damn it. I can't wait much longer.

call that coffee?

What's wrong with it?

It's bitter.

Bitter.

It's always bitter.

Yes, it can be. I'm sure I have it right this time.

You must be mistaken.

I don't know what went wrong.

Must be that A &P. How can I be expected to make a decent cup of coffee with

that dreck they sell?

You see, they haven't heard the end of this.

I'll write a nasty letter.

Some scientists you are.

You try to save the whole world and you can't even make a decent cup of coffee.

Okay, Miss Smarty Pants. You want to see? I'll show you. I've been saving

for just such an occasion.

What now?

Never mind. I'll show you. In the icebox. Get me the chopped meat.

What

are

you going to play?

Galloping gourmet again?

What kind of galloping gourmet? You want to see? I'll show you.

Now, stand back. Couldn't get too close.

I think you've flipped.

Making coffee is not that important.

Einstein made lousy coffee.

Schweitzer couldn't even boil water.

It's really not that important.

For the last time, I'm warning you, stand back. This could be dangerous.

Hmm?

Okay.

Stand back.

What's that?

Preparation X.

Preparation X is for shrinking hemorrhoids. No, you dum -dum. That's H.

shrinking hemorrhoids. This is X.

With X, you're going to shrink a hamburger.

Just watch.

Do you think I should turn it first?

Well, how... How should I know? Haven't you done this before?

No.

Oh, my God, what a decision to make.

It's not ready yet.

It's not ready.

Oh, okay.

Well, here goes.

Oh, that's great. That's just great.

How long have you been working on this? It hasn't happened yet. Give it a

minute. Well...

What are we waiting for? You'll see. You'll see.

Oh, there.

Now, look.

Look at this. Oh, my God.

What have you done?

And you laughed, right, snotty pants? See?

I

think

you'd better turn it. I don't know if I can.

If you don't, it'll burn.

Okay. Okay.

Give me a hand.

Now,

look at that. Now, what do you think?

I think you're a nut.

What the hell are you going to do with that thing?

What am I going to do with it?

Stop it. What do you think I'm going to do with it? I'm going to eat it.

You have no visions.

You have no foresight.

You have just witnessed right here on this stage a miracle.

Boy, with this preparation X, I can feed the world.

Crazy! It's still alive!

No, no, no. The huffing and the puffing have stopped. It's done.

Help me carry it, and we will feast, you and I, the first...

How the hell are you going to get a bun big enough for that thing?

You don't need a bun, Valita. Aldante.

Aldante? Yeah, without a bun.

I don't know.

You start at that end there, and I'll start over here, okay?

Kind of scares me.

What's to be afraid of? He's a grade -A government inspector.

Sheesh.

But with all that huffing and puffing.

It's not a peep. It's done. It's

over.

You first.

One small step for man.

One giant step for chopped meat.

It's delicious.

It's a hamburger like you never ate.

Are you sure?

Good?

You know the quote?

What are you doing?

Eat, eat.

Eat your hamburger.

For one time you've done something in your life right.

Excuse me.

Open up.

What are we going to do when we're finished with it? We need some more.

Yeah. Make another one.

Open up. I

can't

believe it.

It's delicious.

Bill, what do you think now?

It was good.

But I don't know.

You don't know?

You don't know what's to know.

I take one hamburger, grade A choice, government inspected, and I make a meal

fit for a king here.

Everything you do has a way of getting screwed up.

What could happen?

I don't know.

You're the doctor.

After effects, maybe.

Hey, you know, the one hamburger I ate, sexier, sexier, you look on over there.

What?

Say, you're looking like a movie star.

Anita Iceberg, you know?

Anita Eckberg.

Oh, yeah, yeah. We're one of those guys.

Geez, I never realized how sexy you are, Miss Benton.

Call me Helen.

Oh, okay.

Hey, you know the hamburger with the huffing and the puffing?

Yes, it was kind of scary.

Yeah, well, I got a kind of a huffing and a puffing.

Yeah? Where?

Oh, doggie poo.

You never told me about that.

What's to tell? I never had it before.

What do you think we should do about it?

I don't know.

Some kind of experiment, maybe.

Of course.

Strictly scientific.

Of course.

120 over 90.

That's amazing.

Fantastic.

And five inches around.

Amazing. Fantastic.

11 inches long.

And the texture?

Firm but pliable.

Oh, amazing. Doctor, it seems to be growing.

Do you think I should measure it again? Oh, the hell with the size. Keep on with

the texture.

I wonder... What?

If it works as good as it looks.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

Do be my guest.

But remember, science comes first.

Not this time.

This reminds me of when I was a little boy in Vienna.

I went to the circus and saw this sword swallowing act.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Oh, Miss Baird.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Ah.

Oh.

Oh. Yeah, just like it. Oh.

Miss Baird, you have talents I did not know about.

Talents you what?

when I applied for the job.

My goodness.

I was very talented in linguistics.

Oh.

I speak many languages. Very good. You have marvelous hands there.

Doctor. My goodness.

You know, I could get to like this. 11 inches.

Can you get it all in there? No.

Let me see.

Oh. More.

More.

Let me see what you're doing there. Yeah.

Okay. Oh, it just feels so good. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, Miss Ben.

Helen.

Oh.

Miss Iceberg.

Edward, darling.

Can you talk to it, maybe to make it go away or whatever?

Oh, no, I don't want it to go away.

We're going to play with it for long.

Well? There it goes again.

Every hour on the hour.

Hoffing and puffing.

Look, doctor, I know science comes first.

But that thing is ridiculous.

For six hours straight.

Every hour on the hour.

I need an assistant.

Pish posh, Miss Ben.

Where would we be today if Madame Curie said that?

Madame Curie never had to put up with the hard -on with a built -in clock.

Okay, okay.

Keep your pants off and get you an assistant.

Where are you going to find an assistant to fill a job like this?

Simple in my backwards forged disintegration machine.

For five years you've been working on this damn thing and you haven't gotten

to work yet.

What makes you think...

I just forgot to plug it in.

You fill

out the card there, and I'll go warm up the machine, okay?

What should I ask for?

Should I know the other one who needs the assistance?

Okay.

How about a bull dyke?

No, no animals, please.

How's this?

Young, pretty.

Yeah, right.

Leap in.

Must be ready for...

Anything.

What about the kids?

I thought we were going to keep this scientific.

You can be scientific and still have good kids.

Kids? Oh.

Only good kids need applause.

Yeah, good.

Hey, the pot.

Stand back. You shouldn't get hurt here.

What is it?

How should I know? Go take a look.

Tommy, girl, Friday, she asks for, not fried rice.

Last time they gave us cold pastrami.

You're getting better.

You're starting again, Miss Schmarrie.

Just a few minor adjustments.

concentrate.

There now.

I think it's ready.

Shmuck up another one for the amazing Dr. Shmuck.

How are you, boy? A carriage.

Missed carriage.

You must be Schmuck.

Schmuck, Schmuck.

Okay, Schmuck, Schmuck. Who gets the mustard?

Over there.

Here, take a bag.

Hi. You wanted mustard?

Yeah, thanks.

Oh, one stomach. Delicious.

Oh, no thanks. I'm just after eating.

By the way... What kind of a guy is Schmock to work for?

Oh, he's okay.

A little wacky.

He's okay.

Just as soon as he gets that damn thing of his fixed.

Yes, I heard. Every hour on the hour?

It keeps popping and popping.

To tell you the truth, I hope you can handle it.

Because I'm brushed.

No sweat, love.

My last gig.

Just three weeks on massage powder.

I can handle it.

I hope so.

We need another assistant.

I'll drink to that.

I'll drink to anything, but another assistant, no.

It's me who needs the assistant.

You? We spend 24 hours, every hour on the hour, trying to

get that damn dingle of yours to stop huffing and puffing. It's simple.

There's another way.

There is?

What?

I don't know.

Listen, when I build something, it's built to last. You're not going to wear

out. I'll drink to that.

Cheers.

Oh, up the latch.

How much time do we have?

Fifteen minutes.

Don't worry. Give me a chance, hmm?

I'll think of something here.

What are you doing an antidote mixing an antidote?

I needed that.

No, no.

Your dingle.

I mean your dingle.

Oh, that. It's hard to tell.

It's not time yet. We'll have to wait.

While we're waiting, why don't we throw a party?

I'll make the order.

And I'll hang the balloons and streamers.

Listen, no need, kiddies. You two sit here, and I'll go over to my backwards,

forwards disintegrator machine, and we'll come up with something, yeah?

Football. Football.

My ass.

The pound.

The pocket.

The pocket.

I know if I turn around real quick, my head will fall off.

Oh. Both ankles are broken. I'm sure of it.

I'll say one thing, Ducky Poo.

You sure know how to throw a party.

Have a good time.

Oh, you had a great time, you old cocker, you.

Oh, that's good.

I'd hate to feel this bad and not have a good time.

Oh. Hey, what about my, uh... Uh, like clockwork. Every hour on the

hour. We can't slow it down.

What a way to die, ejaculating myself to death.

It was you that started it.

That damned Preparation X.

Must have left something out of the antidote.

Yeah, the kitchen sink.

No, no, no. You know, when they mix a drink, they put a twist in it.

I must have left a twist out.

That's why I got no results. There was no twist in it.

You need more than a twist.

I think we ought to wring its neck.

Yeah.

Maybe we should amputate.

That's a great idea.

What have you got to lose?

What have I got to lose?

What have I got to lose, you stinking poop?

My whole personality, that's what.

Where do you think I get my ideas from?

Your balls.

Of course.

It was the great Dr.

Fungus who once said, the difference between men and women is men have balls

and women don't.

Was it Fungus who said that?

Of course.

1903.

I always wondered who said that.

This is not getting us anywhere.

Let's amputate.

Off with his head.

Quiet. Sir.

How can I be expected to think with all this gibberish going on?

is reverse the formula.

Let's throw another party.

No, no, no, no. This has got to be strictly scientific.

I'll see you later.

Playing cards while history is being made.

I'll show those smarties.

Okay.

I wonder if I should put a twist in it here.

Ah, perfect, just the way it is here.

Well, here's looking at me.

Disgusting.

I still think we should throw another party.

No.

Once it goes off like that, there's no stopping them.

Hi, girls. Can I play?

Schmuck. You've really done it this time.

This takes the cake. Oh, don't be so ghost, darling.

Carriage, dear, love your hair.

Oh, but that outfit, tacky, tacky.

Well, who's deal? What are we playing?

Odd man out.

Funny. Oh, that's funny.

Well, dear darling, you're holding up the game.

Well, dear, I don't think we have time for another hand. Oh, pity.

You're fixed.

It's time for your fix.

You know, the huffing and the puffing.

Don't be absurd. We'll do no such thing.

With a cheek on some people. I'm pure and I'm staying pure.

I like him the other way better.

Me too.

Me too, me too.

Oh, is that all you ever think of is sex?

Everybody wants my body, and I'm so tired of it.

I'm going for a swim.

I think I'll go create.

Darling, don't sneak up on me like that.

Where did you get the telescope?

Telescope? Telescope?

Darling, you're looking at my latest creation.

Can you look into the future with it? Darling, better than that.

The past. The past. Can you see the past?

Darling, anyone can look in and see the future or the past.

But this... All right.

What do you see when you look into the telescope?

Darling, you see the present.

You see what's going on right now?

Well, is there much call for that?

Darling, it'll make millions. Oh, really?

Have a look.

Well, what now?

I don't know. Let me think a minute.

It was bad before, but this is absurd.

There must be something.

I know.

Maybe... if we shove him into that backwards -forwards disintegrator of

think you can work it?

I don't know. I think so.

What would that accomplish?

Hey, wait a minute.

Maybe you're right.

We'll send him back to where he was before he took that damn drink and bring

back again.

It might work.

It's worth a try.

Suppose he doesn't want to go.

Leave it to me. He'll go. Call him.

Oh, sweetie.

Dr. Schmock.

Dr. Pooh.

You called, darling?

Now, don't try to make up, Helena. I'm too upset.

I don't even know if I can go on with my experiments and all.

Well, here goes nothing. Right.

We'll never see him again.

But I had to send him away in order to bring him back.

That makes sense.

It does?

I mean, it does.

Well, bring him back. Bring him back. I'm so nervous.

Okay.

Here goes.

Chalk another one up for Helen Baird.

How do you feel? Are you all right?

How should I feel after that nosh that gave me on the head?

That was strictly scientific.

By the way, how's your dingle?

Who's next?

That didn't work, and we still have the dingo problem to solve.

Yeah, it's a stumper, all right.

Hey, wait a minute.

If we can't beat them, why don't we join them?

That's not a bad idea.

You know, I ate just as much hamburger as you did, and it didn't do anything

me.

Puddin' head.

Hamburgers are for men.

It was the great Dr. Fungus who once said... You mean... Of course.

If you want to get a woman's tingle up every hour on the hour, you got to put a

little of my Preparation X on meatballs.

Meatballs? Yes, meatballs.

You really made these?

Yeah, why not? Oh, just a bite.

It's so good.

Here's a little for you.

Here's a little for you.

Here's a little for me. Here's a little for you.

Here's a little for you.

Here's a little for you. Here's a little for you.

Here's a little for you. Here's a little for you. Here's a little for you.

Here's a little for you. Here's a little for you. Here's a little for you.

Here's a little for you. Here's a little for you. Here's a little for you.

Here's a little for you. Here's a little for you. Here's a little for you.

Here's a little for you. Here's a little for you. Here's a little for you.

Here's a little for you. Here's a little for you. Here's a little for you.

Here's a little for you. Here's a little for you. Here's a little for you.

Here's a little for you. Here's a little for you.

Here's a little for you.

Here's Oh, meatballs.

Tastes really hot.

Hey. I'm for your dingles.

Wait a minute. I got an idea.

Let's throw another party.

Meatballs.

Wow.

What do you see?