Original subtitles

Okay. Cindy Crawford or Claudia Schiffer? Claudia Schiffer.

Claudia Schiffer or Pamela Anderson?

Pamela Anderson.

Okay.

Pamela Anderson or Pamela Lee?

They're the same person.

Oh.

With a different name. Like ketchup and catsup.

Yeah.

Can't even eat, man.

There's some cold spaghetti in the refrigerator.

Too far.

I think there's some corn chips underneath the bed.

I'm there.

Ah, this is disgusting.

You really should clean under here once in a while.

Ooh, a burger.

How old do you think it is?

Well, it's June, and that's the Halloween wrapper.

That's a rank.

I dare you to take a bite.

No, no, no way. The last time you dared me, we both got kicked out of Santa's

village. I thought that elf was plastic.

Poor little guy.

But I still dare you.

No, no, wait a second. You always dare me. And I always do it. So this time, I

dare you to eat the burger.

All right?

I will.

It's not like it's going to kill me.

Good choice.

So which one of you angels is Farrah?

First floor, therapist.

Second floor, cherubim.

Third floor, Starbucks.

Starbucks? They're everywhere, honey.

I don't get it. What's going on here?

I'm afraid you're dead.

I'm dead?

No fair. All I did was eat a skanky burger.

Oh, Marty, Marty.

Oh, I've been doing this a long time, hon. I know what you must be feeling,

don't you worry.

The good have nothing to fear.

Uh -oh.

Oh, here we are, top floor.

The court of eternal judgment.

Oh, I don't like the sound of that.

Check out.

Cosmic.

Wait.

Whoa.

Marty DiPolo, come forward.

Don't eat me.

I'm not going to eat you.

Marty, you have a good soul, but you could never stay out of trouble.

I know.

It is only because of your extreme youth that we are considering your admission

into heaven.

All right, try it as a minor.

If you don't settle down, I just might eat you.

Sorry.

However, you still must prove yourself worthy.

We have a mission that only you can accomplish.

Me? Your friend, Steve Beauchamp, is going through the worst time of his

My death.

No, his puberty.

Just see for yourself.

Katie? What are you doing?

Playing with my brother.

Steve, I thought we could all go out for some ice cream.

No, I think I'll stay here.

Oh, Steve, sweetie.

Summer is almost over and you've barely left this room.

Is there anything I can do?

No, I've had a lot of fun right here.

I sleep.

Of course, I have my soap.

And I've been playing Battleship by myself.

Can you do this?

No, no, you really can't.

Oh, my poor bud.

This is a very vulnerable time in Steve's life.

His parents are divorced, his family struggling to make ends meet, and now

lost his best friend.

Marty, we want you to be his guardian angel.

Me? I'm sorry, you're making a big mistake.

Hey, we don't make mistakes.

Well, there was the bubonic plague.

Oh, and that awful Chevy Chase show.

But this is not a mistake.

Right now, Steve needs someone to talk to, and that someone is you.

All right.

I'll give it a shot.

You'll give it a shot.

Boy, if you screw this up, you will go directly to the other plate.

The Mitchell Corn Palace in Mitchell, South Dakota?

No. Why would I send you to... I'm talking about the other plate.

Oh, no. Not that.

You might like it.

There are lots of rock stars there.

No, I want to help Steve. He's my friend. Please, Mr.

Head.

As Steve's guardian angel, you will have many powers.

You will be invisible to all but Steve.

You will have the ability to walk through any wall.

Any wall?

Well, not thick walls, but certainly through any apartment built after 1957.

Now, go forth and help your friend.

I'll do my best, God.

You are God, aren't you?

Well, no.

I'm God's cousin, Rod.

But I got this job on my own merits.

You're an angel? Not just any angel. I'm your guardian angel. I'm board

certified in all 50 states.

And Puerto Rico.

No, wait a minute. This isn't happening to me. No, no, it's true. Check it out.

I've got retractable wings.

Come on, let's feel it.

No, God doesn't feel another guy's wings, man.

Come on.

Get with the times.

Yeah, okay.

Oh, my gosh.

No, no, no. Wait a second. If you really are Marty, then what did you nominate

for class motto?

It is you.

I missed you, man. You've been gone all summer.

I have? Yeah.

How are my mom and dad?

They're great. They sued Burger World for poisoning you. Collected $11

I am a great son.

And thanks to you.

Every Burger World bag. Now, Terry, good morning.

Burgers may not be safe to eat after six months.

Wow. My life was not in vain. So why are you here? The forces of heaven sent me

here to set you on the path to a good and noble life.

How are you going to do that? I don't know.

Good morning, Pam.

Says you look better first thing in the morning than I did at my prom.

Well, I tried.

Well, I don't.

Morning, one and all.

Hey, good mood today?

Check his pupil.

Look, I know I've been bummed out all summer about Marty, but I realize he's

gone to a better place.

Whoa!

Your mom's hot.

Relax. Relax?

Yeah, except for you.

No human can see me or hear me.

But I can be reached on the Internet.

www .angel .marty .cooldude .com Oh, this poor

plant. I guess your father was the gardener around here.

Steve, could you throw this in the trash on your way out?

This looks like a job for Teen Angel.

Behold. I just saved your mom a dollar ninety -five.

Hi!

Hey, good morning. It's great to be here.

Hey, nice haircut.

Not!

Hi, Steve.

Looks like the Olsen twins let themselves go.

Oh, no. Kyle Bergstrom, man.

Poor Kyle.

Too dumb to graduate, too old to join the Marines.

You know, somebody ought to teach that punk a lesson.

Not me, of course.

Ew, that felt greasy.

Hello, Bo -Chunk. You know, I hear you're dropping algebra.

You know, the joke's on him.

That's my biology book.

Stand up for yourself, man.

Don't worry.

I'm here to help you.

You've been touched by an angel.

Thanks, man.

Here's the beginning. Soon as I start working my angel magic on you, you're

going to be hanging out with that crowd.

What, the janitors?

No, them over there.

Jordan LaBelle and his buds.

The cool kids.

Sure, they're cool now, but what will they be in 20 years?

Well, let's see.

I'm going to be a supermodel and marry an 80 -year -old billionaire.

I'm going to be vice president of the United States.

I am going to sell shoes to the vice president of the United States.

Wow, they are cool, except for shoe boy.

Good morning, boys and girls.

My name is Mr.

Nitsky.

And this is American History 101.

Now, since we can't afford flashy new textbooks, whenever you see the word

Indian, think Native American.

And don't be alarmed when they refer to 1976 as the future.

Well, well.

Steve Beauchamp.

I guess the old adage is correct. Those who fail history are doomed to repeat

it.

You have to take that, man. Stand up for yourself.

I didn't fail.

Excuse me?

I said I didn't fail the course, Mr. Nitsky. I missed the final.

Because I had some personal problems.

Well...

I'm your personal problem now.

All right, that's it.

Let's get ready to rumble!

Our journey begins here.

Jamestown, Virginia.

As I was saying... I fail to see the humor in this.

geniuses is responsible for this.

Me. I did it.

Me.

All right. I am just going to sit here and wait until the guilty party comes

forward.

I can wait as long as you can.

Oh, you think this is funny?

No. No, I don't. Who do you think this is funny?

That's it.

You are all getting a test tomorrow.

Chapter six, the Monroe Doctrine.

It'll count as half your grade, and you have Mr.

Beauchamp here to thank for it.

Thanks a lot, man. Hey, Mitch, don't worry about it.

Man, I had three dates lined up for tonight, and now I have to cancel two.

Nice place, Shakespeare.

Smooth move, Exlax.

I just thought you should know.

You are a dead man.

Duh. Oh, you mean him.

Look, you're supposed to be my guardian angel.

You're ruining my life. I'm just having fun, man.

Somehow every time you have fun, I get in trouble. But I can fix it. No, don't

fix anything.

Just leave me alone.

Marty DiPolo, I'll see you in my office.

Now. You look great.

Did you lose weight?

Office. You.

Now!

Making fun of the history teacher.

Do you think that's your mission from God?

Look, I'm really sorry. I know I screwed up.

But I think I could be a pretty fine guardian angel.

Well, you could help Kelsey Grammer.

You know, he's gone through four guardian angels in the last week, and I

one of them's in rehab.

Oh, I want to help Steve. He's my bud.

And isn't this the place where everybody gets a second chance?

No, you're thinking of the Arkansas bar exam, fool.

So I can't help Steve?

Look, Marty.

I think you have potential.

But it's not me you have to convince. It's Steve.

Gotcha. I will not let you down.

Or if I do let you down, I'll have a very good excuse.

Just get out.

Steve, can you believe it? Look at how this thing has grown.

That's great, Ma.

Rough day, kiddo?

Oh, worse than you could possibly imagine.

I work at the post office. I can imagine pretty bad.

You were in such a good mood this morning. What happened?

I really can't tell you.

I wish I knew what to do.

You know, Marty always used to cheer you up at times like this.

Yeah, he used to.

Well, whatever he is now, I'm sure he's looking out for you.

If you ask me, wherever Marty is now, it's very hot and he's being poked by a

pitchfork.

Help! Help!

Katie!

Oh, my God!

Mom, look out. I got it.

Oh, my nose!

Hey, Yogi.

Sorry I made a boo -boo.

Just leave me alone.

I'm trying to study.

Look, I'm really, really sorry for everything that's happened, but I know I

help. No, I don't want your help.

Oh, come on. We've been in some jams before, but everything's always come out

okay.

Except for the time I ate the hamburger and crow.

I've been giving this a lot of thought, and I think I've got the answer. Please

give me one more shot.

Okay.

Thanks, buddy.

Up, up and away.

Stupid ceiling fan.

Mr. Nitsky.

Mr. Nitsky.

Wake up.

President of the United States.

I can't believe this.

I understand you're giving a test on my Monroe Doctrine tomorrow.

Well, yes. The students were acting up, so I... Silence!

My doctrine was meant to help America.

Not terrorize innocent schoolchildren!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Call off the test.

Or answer to me.

But I've already written it up.

No, no, wait a second, Mr. Nitsky. I don't think that's fair.

What are you doing, man?

Down and up for myself.

We all studied really hard for that test.

And I think we deserve the credit for the work we did.

Fine.

Everybody gets an A.

Yes! All right,

yes!

Now, if anybody needs me, I'll be in the teacher's lounge watching the fish

tank.

Can you stop calling me names like Bo Chimp and Bo Chump or Blow Chunks?

Blow Chunks? That's a good one.

Do you mind if I use it?

No, it's yours.

Nice place, Shakespeare.

Smooth move, ex -lax.

Nicely done.

Thank you, Mr. Vice President.

Huh?

You'll find out later.

Hey.

I don't know how you did it, but you did it. So am I back on the team?

Absolutely.

Hey,

are you stuck in those same clothes forever?

Yeah. I'm just like Gilligan.

Hey. Thanks for everything, Mr. President. Glad to be of service, son.

Say hi to your wife, Dolly, for me.

I'm not James Madison.

Oh, right, sure.

Weren't you on a coin or something?

No.

I was briefly on the three -cent stamp.

Well, hey, that's great.

Loser.