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1
00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:03,742
Previously on
Two and a Half Men:
2
00:00:03,829 --> 00:00:05,179
Larry, where can
I put this poop?
3
00:00:05,266 --> 00:00:06,267
This is my sister Gretchen.
She just moved here.
4
00:00:06,354 --> 00:00:07,833
Gretchen, this is
Jeff Strongman.
5
00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:09,661
We have a half hour
till I have to go meet Larry.
6
00:00:09,748 --> 00:00:12,186
I really like Gretchen.
I'm-I'm not gonna cheat on her.
7
00:00:12,273 --> 00:00:13,796
Gretchen is coming over tonight.
8
00:00:13,883 --> 00:00:15,276
When I get back,
I don't want to see Gretchen.
9
00:00:15,363 --> 00:00:16,494
BARRY:
You know,
10
00:00:16,581 --> 00:00:17,713
if I had a place to sleep here,
11
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:19,454
my apartment would be free.
12
00:00:19,541 --> 00:00:21,543
You had me at "free."
13
00:00:21,630 --> 00:00:23,545
♪ Men.♪
14
00:00:23,632 --> 00:00:25,025
[phone rings]
15
00:00:25,112 --> 00:00:27,679
Oh, I'm sorry.
I have to take this.
16
00:00:27,766 --> 00:00:29,942
It's my partner from China.No problem.
17
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,379
Hello?
18
00:00:31,466 --> 00:00:35,035
Lan mao shi zai wuding shang.Wow.
19
00:00:35,122 --> 00:00:37,385
No, I'm on hold.
I'm just making stuff up.
20
00:00:38,342 --> 00:00:39,256
[harp playing]
21
00:00:39,343 --> 00:00:42,085
[theme music playing]
22
00:00:44,087 --> 00:00:46,046
Honey, I'm home!
23
00:00:54,793 --> 00:00:56,143
Hi, dear.
24
00:00:59,581 --> 00:01:00,930
How was your
day, darling?
25
00:01:01,017 --> 00:01:01,931
Did you write some
new commercials?
26
00:01:02,018 --> 00:01:05,065
I sure did, Mother.
27
00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:07,415
In six months,
everyone in America
28
00:01:07,502 --> 00:01:10,113
will be smoking
refreshing cigarettes.
29
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:11,810
Or, as I like
to call them,
30
00:01:11,897 --> 00:01:13,508
healthy flavor sticks.
31
00:01:13,595 --> 00:01:16,119
Kids, your
father's home!
32
00:01:16,206 --> 00:01:18,948
[children cheering]
33
00:01:19,035 --> 00:01:20,732
Look at all
my little Schmidts!
34
00:01:20,819 --> 00:01:24,649
And I pushed every one of
those Schmidts out of me.
35
00:01:24,736 --> 00:01:27,087
Hey, kids,
if you eat all your dinner,
36
00:01:27,174 --> 00:01:29,828
Daddy's gonna give
a healthy flavor stick
37
00:01:29,915 --> 00:01:32,179
to each and every one of you.
38
00:01:32,266 --> 00:01:34,224
[children cheering]
39
00:01:35,443 --> 00:01:38,272
Hi, Dad.
40
00:01:38,359 --> 00:01:41,884
I clogged
the toilet again.
41
00:01:41,971 --> 00:01:45,017
And I ain't cleanin' it up!
42
00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:47,759
Oh, Berta.
Oh, Berta.
Oh, Berta.
43
00:01:47,846 --> 00:01:50,414
KATE:
Walden.
44
00:01:50,501 --> 00:01:52,329
Walden.
45
00:01:52,416 --> 00:01:54,897
Walden?
Oh, s...
46
00:01:54,984 --> 00:01:57,378
Sorry. [clears throat]
I was daydreaming.
47
00:01:57,465 --> 00:02:00,381
We were married,
and we had seven kids,
48
00:02:00,468 --> 00:02:02,426
and they all loved cigarettes.
49
00:02:02,513 --> 00:02:05,125
Okay, that's the last margarita
for you.
50
00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:10,260
So, I have good news
and I have bad news.
51
00:02:10,347 --> 00:02:12,175
Oh. Is the good news
that we're gonna have sex
52
00:02:12,262 --> 00:02:15,352
and the bad news that we can
only do it five times?
53
00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:19,443
The bad news is I have to go
to San Francisco, like, now.
54
00:02:19,530 --> 00:02:20,531
Wow.
55
00:02:20,618 --> 00:02:21,793
And the good news is,
56
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,273
once I take care
of this business,
57
00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:25,319
I can stay here
for a few more days.
58
00:02:25,406 --> 00:02:28,496
Hmm, then I can take care
of your bidness.
59
00:02:28,583 --> 00:02:31,629
Oh, hey, Kate.
60
00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:33,153
I see you're still
as beautiful as ever.
61
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,329
Alan.
62
00:02:35,416 --> 00:02:38,462
I see you're still as...
here as ever.
63
00:02:38,549 --> 00:02:40,899
So we're both doing well.
64
00:02:40,986 --> 00:02:43,641
Okay, I got to go pack my stuff
so I can leave.
Mmm.
65
00:02:43,728 --> 00:02:48,342
I'll take "phrases Alan Harper
will never say" for $500.
66
00:02:48,429 --> 00:02:49,908
She's leaving already?
67
00:02:49,995 --> 00:02:51,214
Oh, I hope she doesn't
use that bathroom.
68
00:02:51,301 --> 00:02:53,085
I clogged the
toilet again.
69
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,349
No, she's only gone
for a couple days.Mmm.
70
00:02:55,436 --> 00:02:57,612
And then I'm gonna ask her
to marry me.
71
00:02:57,699 --> 00:02:58,961
Wait, married?
72
00:02:59,048 --> 00:03:00,354
Well, isn't that
a little fast?
73
00:03:00,441 --> 00:03:01,703
[groans]
Walden, you're always jumping
74
00:03:01,790 --> 00:03:03,052
into these kind of things,
75
00:03:03,139 --> 00:03:04,053
and you...You can still live here.
76
00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:06,055
Mazel tov!
77
00:03:06,142 --> 00:03:08,057
♪ Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men ♪
78
00:03:08,144 --> 00:03:11,887
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
79
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:17,893
♪ Men.♪
80
00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:19,851
Hey.
Hey.
Hi.
81
00:03:19,938 --> 00:03:20,983
What you guys doing?
82
00:03:21,070 --> 00:03:22,463
I am taking Jenny to the movies.
83
00:03:22,550 --> 00:03:24,029
Okay, you're
not taking me.
84
00:03:24,116 --> 00:03:26,510
Taking me implies
we're going on a date.
85
00:03:26,597 --> 00:03:28,338
I'm a lesbian. If
anything, I'm taking you
86
00:03:28,425 --> 00:03:31,123
'cause you can't get into an
R-rated movie by yourself.
87
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,256
Hey. Hold on.
Uh, before you go,
88
00:03:33,343 --> 00:03:35,171
which one
of these engagement rings
89
00:03:35,258 --> 00:03:36,433
do you think Kate would like?
90
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,348
W... what?
91
00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:39,741
You're gonna ask her
to marry you?
92
00:03:39,828 --> 00:03:41,482
She's only been back
for one day.
93
00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:43,397
Yeah. She's the one.
94
00:03:43,484 --> 00:03:46,835
[chuckles] Do you know how rare
it is to meet the one?
95
00:03:46,922 --> 00:03:50,404
Let alone have it happen
every six months?
96
00:03:50,491 --> 00:03:51,709
No, no. This is...
this is different.
97
00:03:51,796 --> 00:03:54,364
I-I am... really in love
with Kate.
98
00:03:54,451 --> 00:03:56,932
Okay, I really love
my life-size anime doll,
99
00:03:57,019 --> 00:03:58,890
but it would be a little weird
if I married it.
100
00:03:59,891 --> 00:04:01,893
Right?
101
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:07,812
Look, Walden, you're in love
with being in love.
102
00:04:07,899 --> 00:04:10,075
You live like you're
in a romantic comedy.
103
00:04:10,162 --> 00:04:12,426
You know who's gonna play you
in the movie about your life?
104
00:04:12,513 --> 00:04:15,733
Julia Roberts.
105
00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:19,215
Just... do what my dad did.
Don't buy the cow if you can get
106
00:04:19,302 --> 00:04:23,132
the lactating stripper to
give you the milk for free.
107
00:04:24,307 --> 00:04:25,961
Come on, Barry,
let's go.
108
00:04:26,048 --> 00:04:27,136
You know who would play me
and you in the movie?
109
00:04:27,223 --> 00:04:29,660
Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.
110
00:04:29,747 --> 00:04:32,272
I'll be either one.
111
00:04:33,316 --> 00:04:35,405
[sighs]
112
00:04:36,363 --> 00:04:39,279
Hey, Charlie.
113
00:04:39,366 --> 00:04:42,543
It's me, Walden.
114
00:04:42,630 --> 00:04:47,896
We... never met, but I'm the guy
who took your place.
115
00:04:50,246 --> 00:04:53,293
Thanks for giving up your house.
116
00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:57,384
I guess you didn't really
give it up-- you died.
117
00:04:57,471 --> 00:05:01,257
You'd have to be on crack
to give up all this.
118
00:05:05,914 --> 00:05:07,872
Anyway, I...
119
00:05:07,959 --> 00:05:09,221
Is Jenny right?
120
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:13,878
I mean, do I fall in love
too fast?
121
00:05:13,965 --> 00:05:15,619
Come on, Charlie,
122
00:05:15,706 --> 00:05:17,186
talk to me.
123
00:05:17,273 --> 00:05:20,058
At least show me a sign.
124
00:05:20,145 --> 00:05:21,277
[chuckles]
Yeah.
125
00:05:21,364 --> 00:05:23,323
That's what I thought.
126
00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:24,324
[knocking][yelps]
127
00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:26,413
[thunder rumbles]
128
00:05:32,288 --> 00:05:35,422
♪ Men.♪
129
00:05:35,509 --> 00:05:37,859
Here, try my
famous guacamole.
130
00:05:37,946 --> 00:05:39,077
Oh, what makes it famous?
131
00:05:39,164 --> 00:05:40,557
I don't know. It's...
132
00:05:40,644 --> 00:05:42,167
really good
and everybody likes it.
133
00:05:42,254 --> 00:05:43,430
I didn't think
you'd actually call me on it.
134
00:05:43,517 --> 00:05:45,388
Do you have any
famous recipes?
135
00:05:45,475 --> 00:05:48,739
Well, there's the-the Strongman
family meatloaf.
136
00:05:48,826 --> 00:05:50,306
You'll have to make that for me.
137
00:05:50,393 --> 00:05:52,482
Uh, the recipe died
with my grandmother.
Oh.
138
00:05:52,569 --> 00:05:54,571
We'd always say,
"Write it down, write it down."
139
00:05:54,658 --> 00:05:56,878
And she'd say...
[European accent]: "Tomorrow."
140
00:05:56,965 --> 00:05:59,881
One day, your tomorrows
run out.
141
00:05:59,968 --> 00:06:02,274
Oh, Nana Strongman.
Aw.
142
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:05,103
Every day, I learn something new
about my Jeff.
143
00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:06,757
[chuckles]
You and me both.
144
00:06:06,844 --> 00:06:08,977
I wish we could be
together every day.
145
00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:10,239
Oh, what would that be like?
146
00:06:10,326 --> 00:06:11,893
Well, let's put it this way:
147
00:06:11,980 --> 00:06:14,896
The Strongman meat
would not be loafing.
148
00:06:14,983 --> 00:06:15,636
Move in with me.
149
00:06:15,723 --> 00:06:17,507
Seriously?
150
00:06:17,594 --> 00:06:19,117
You make this place a home.
151
00:06:19,204 --> 00:06:20,467
When you're not here,
this apartment feels
152
00:06:20,554 --> 00:06:22,991
like it belongs
to somebody else.
153
00:06:24,862 --> 00:06:25,515
So what do you say?
154
00:06:25,602 --> 00:06:27,256
I say yes.
155
00:06:27,343 --> 00:06:28,649
Oh, my God, that's great!
156
00:06:28,736 --> 00:06:31,434
But I insist
on paying half the rent.
157
00:06:31,521 --> 00:06:32,479
I love you.
158
00:06:33,741 --> 00:06:34,916
Cash only.
159
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:39,224
♪ Men.♪
160
00:06:40,356 --> 00:06:41,444
Can I help you?
161
00:06:41,531 --> 00:06:43,446
Hey, sorry to bother you. I...
162
00:06:43,533 --> 00:06:45,230
I've been hiking all day, and
I saw you had a hose out here,
163
00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:47,276
and I was wondering if I could
fill up my water bottle.
164
00:06:47,363 --> 00:06:49,931
I have a hose?
165
00:06:50,975 --> 00:06:52,150
Yeah.
166
00:06:52,237 --> 00:06:53,369
Bottom of the stairs.
167
00:06:53,456 --> 00:06:55,197
Good for me.
168
00:06:55,284 --> 00:06:58,505
Uh, I... actually, I have
filtered water in the kitchen.
169
00:06:58,592 --> 00:07:00,898
Oh, I kind of had my heart set
on dirty hose water,
170
00:07:00,985 --> 00:07:02,596
but if you insist.
171
00:07:07,078 --> 00:07:09,994
[angelic choir singing]
172
00:07:11,953 --> 00:07:13,563
Should I...
173
00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:16,305
I'm sorry, what?
174
00:07:16,392 --> 00:07:17,915
[chuckles]
Sh-Should I wipe my feet?
175
00:07:18,002 --> 00:07:19,047
I-I don't want
176
00:07:19,134 --> 00:07:20,570
to track beach sand into your...
177
00:07:23,138 --> 00:07:24,313
...house sand?
178
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,097
Oh, no. That's-that's not sand.
179
00:07:26,184 --> 00:07:30,406
That's the remains of the guy
who used to live here.
180
00:07:30,493 --> 00:07:34,062
You know what, maybe I'll just
use the hose outside. It's fine.No, no, no, no.
181
00:07:34,149 --> 00:07:36,064
No, it's not like that.
He gets spilled all the time.
182
00:07:36,151 --> 00:07:38,893
At this point, he's mostly lint.
I'm Walden.
183
00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:40,416
Vivian.
184
00:07:40,503 --> 00:07:43,245
That's a beautiful name.
185
00:07:43,332 --> 00:07:45,900
Thank you. My parents got it
from that '70s show.
186
00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:50,252
What was it called? Maude.
187
00:07:50,339 --> 00:07:51,427
Ah.
Yeah.
188
00:07:51,514 --> 00:07:53,647
Wow, this is...
189
00:07:53,734 --> 00:07:56,258
this is quite a place.[chuckles]
190
00:07:56,345 --> 00:07:58,042
Your desk is backwards.
191
00:07:58,129 --> 00:07:59,957
Excuse me?
192
00:08:00,044 --> 00:08:02,351
Well, you have this
beautiful view of the ocean,
193
00:08:02,438 --> 00:08:05,093
and yet your desk
is facing the wall with...
194
00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:07,399
a picture of the ocean on it.
195
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:10,838
Yeah. It's... actually,
it's-it's the Atlantic.
196
00:08:11,882 --> 00:08:12,448
[chuckles]
197
00:08:17,801 --> 00:08:18,454
It's an inside joke.
198
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,458
For myself.
199
00:08:24,242 --> 00:08:25,983
[thunder rumbles]
200
00:08:26,070 --> 00:08:28,029
Uh, you know what,
I better fill up and get going.
201
00:08:28,116 --> 00:08:29,639
But it's, like... it's really
starting to come down out there.
202
00:08:29,726 --> 00:08:32,816
It's just a little water.
I'm not gonna melt.
203
00:08:32,903 --> 00:08:35,950
It's not like I'm
the Wicked Witch of the West.
204
00:08:36,037 --> 00:08:38,300
I mean, you could wait it out
here if you want.
205
00:08:38,387 --> 00:08:39,693
We could have dinner together.
206
00:08:39,780 --> 00:08:41,825
I'll-I'll order delivery.
207
00:08:41,912 --> 00:08:43,087
Really?
208
00:08:43,174 --> 00:08:45,046
Wow. Uh, yeah.
209
00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:46,047
That'd be great.
210
00:08:46,134 --> 00:08:47,657
Great.
Okay.
211
00:08:47,744 --> 00:08:50,486
[chuckles]
Thank you.
212
00:08:50,573 --> 00:08:52,662
You know, I-I got to ask,
do you always invite strangers
213
00:08:52,749 --> 00:08:54,229
into your home?
214
00:08:54,316 --> 00:08:56,405
Oh, no.
Usually they invite themselves.
215
00:08:56,492 --> 00:08:59,016
♪ Men.♪
216
00:08:59,103 --> 00:09:01,715
I am so excited to
move in with you.
217
00:09:01,802 --> 00:09:03,194
Hey, on top of paying
half the rent,
218
00:09:03,281 --> 00:09:04,979
I insist on paying
half the utilities.
219
00:09:05,066 --> 00:09:06,546
Thank you. By the way,
there's also a security deposit,
220
00:09:06,633 --> 00:09:09,070
a cleaning deposit
and the groceries
221
00:09:09,157 --> 00:09:11,725
you've already eaten half of.
But we'll figure that out later.
222
00:09:11,812 --> 00:09:14,423
We're gonna have
so much fun.[chuckles]
223
00:09:14,510 --> 00:09:16,338
Oh. Oh. If this is gonna get
any more physical,
224
00:09:16,425 --> 00:09:17,513
I got to go freshen up.
225
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:18,949
You mean poop?
226
00:09:19,036 --> 00:09:20,777
I love you so much.
227
00:09:23,650 --> 00:09:25,434
Oh, hey, if, uh,
the pizza guy shows up,
228
00:09:25,521 --> 00:09:26,696
I don't have any money.
229
00:09:26,783 --> 00:09:28,393
Hey, that's my line!
230
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:32,136
My wallet's
on the counter.Thanks.
231
00:09:34,182 --> 00:09:40,362
[slow motion]:
Wait...!
232
00:09:40,449 --> 00:09:42,930
Who's Alan Harper?
233
00:09:43,017 --> 00:09:46,107
A guy who no longer has to poop.
234
00:09:47,195 --> 00:09:48,500
♪ Men.♪
235
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:49,980
So, what's your deal,
Walden?
236
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:55,203
Good-looking guy, rich,
Malibu beach house.
237
00:09:55,290 --> 00:09:58,162
I bet you only date
hot actresses.
238
00:09:58,249 --> 00:10:01,383
God, no.
I'd never date an actress.
239
00:10:02,776 --> 00:10:03,994
They're all crazy.
240
00:10:04,081 --> 00:10:06,736
I'm sure they're not all crazy.
241
00:10:06,823 --> 00:10:09,347
Trust me. They are.
242
00:10:09,434 --> 00:10:11,001
I don't get
this whole fascination
243
00:10:11,088 --> 00:10:12,612
with celebrities anyway.
244
00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:15,266
I mean, who cares
who's dating whom
245
00:10:15,353 --> 00:10:17,051
or who's engaged to who
246
00:10:17,138 --> 00:10:21,708
or who has a sex tape
that no one will ever, ever see?
247
00:10:23,144 --> 00:10:25,320
I know. But I have to say
248
00:10:25,407 --> 00:10:26,713
I am a sucker for anything
having to do
249
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,498
with Brangelina or Kimye.
250
00:10:29,585 --> 00:10:31,239
Yeah, I have no idea
what that means.
251
00:10:31,326 --> 00:10:33,589
I thought we were eating Kimye.
252
00:10:33,676 --> 00:10:36,070
What, have you been hiding under
a rock for the last few years?
253
00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:37,985
No, but I have climbed a few.
254
00:10:38,072 --> 00:10:39,769
I was a Sherpa in Nepal.
255
00:10:39,856 --> 00:10:41,118
Yeah.
And I...
256
00:10:41,205 --> 00:10:43,033
I drove cattle in Argentina.
257
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,470
And I, uh... Oh, I used
to give safari tours in Africa.
258
00:10:45,557 --> 00:10:48,865
And, once, I was an assistant
manager at a Hot Dog on a Stick
259
00:10:48,952 --> 00:10:49,910
in Pittsburgh.
260
00:10:49,997 --> 00:10:51,346
I love hot dogs.
261
00:10:51,433 --> 00:10:53,217
[laughs]
262
00:10:53,304 --> 00:10:54,697
I've never even thought
about doing stuff like that.
263
00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:56,699
I mean, although I did
264
00:10:56,786 --> 00:10:59,746
once sit in the splash section
at SeaWorld without a poncho.
265
00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:03,837
Well, then you'd be perfect
for my next adventure.
266
00:11:03,924 --> 00:11:06,274
Crewing on a sailboat
to Polynesia.
267
00:11:06,361 --> 00:11:08,015
Wow.
268
00:11:08,102 --> 00:11:10,060
A sailboat to Polynesia.
269
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:18,678
So what island do you
want to hit first?
270
00:11:18,765 --> 00:11:20,505
As long as we're together,
271
00:11:20,592 --> 00:11:22,290
it doesn't matter.
272
00:11:24,205 --> 00:11:26,511
[gasping]
273
00:11:28,078 --> 00:11:28,992
That was a close one.
274
00:11:29,079 --> 00:11:31,516
I barely caught you guys.
275
00:11:31,603 --> 00:11:33,693
I'm still living
with you, right?
276
00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:35,738
Whoa...
277
00:11:42,484 --> 00:11:44,268
VIVIAN [distant]:
Walden.
278
00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:45,792
Walden.Huh?
279
00:11:45,879 --> 00:11:48,533
Which one do you want?
280
00:11:48,620 --> 00:11:49,709
Right now I want both.
281
00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:52,755
Oh, here. [laughs]
282
00:11:53,843 --> 00:11:55,758
Oh.
283
00:11:55,845 --> 00:11:58,805
"A new love awaits you."
284
00:12:01,546 --> 00:12:01,677
Wow.
285
00:12:03,853 --> 00:12:06,769
Mine says,
"Try our gluten-free wontons."
286
00:12:08,684 --> 00:12:10,251
♪ Men.♪
287
00:12:10,338 --> 00:12:13,645
Okay, uh, you asked, uh,
"Who is Alan Harper?"
288
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:16,736
And you deserve
the truth.
289
00:12:16,823 --> 00:12:18,563
My real name is Alan Harper.
290
00:12:18,650 --> 00:12:21,392
I-I used to date Lyndsey,
but when she broke up with me,
291
00:12:21,479 --> 00:12:23,090
I wanted to meet
her new boyfriend, Larry,
292
00:12:23,177 --> 00:12:24,787
but I didn't want him
to know that it was me,
293
00:12:24,874 --> 00:12:26,267
so I created a fake persona,
Jeff Strongman,
294
00:12:26,354 --> 00:12:27,921
but then Larry and I
became real friends,
295
00:12:28,008 --> 00:12:29,792
and then you came along,
and I really liked you,
296
00:12:29,879 --> 00:12:31,576
and everything was perfect
until you picked up my wallet
297
00:12:31,663 --> 00:12:33,883
to pay for the pizza,
which reinforces my one rule:
298
00:12:33,970 --> 00:12:37,713
"Never offer
to pay for anything!"
299
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:42,283
Wow. So nothing I know
about you is real?
300
00:12:42,370 --> 00:12:43,850
My-my feelings for you are real.
301
00:12:43,937 --> 00:12:45,242
And I was telling the truth
when I said
302
00:12:45,329 --> 00:12:46,591
I wanted you to live with me.
303
00:12:46,678 --> 00:12:48,071
What about your son?
304
00:12:48,158 --> 00:12:49,856
Oh, oh, that-that wasn't a lie.
305
00:12:49,943 --> 00:12:52,119
I have a son,
just not the guy you met.
306
00:12:52,206 --> 00:12:54,338
M.I.T.?
307
00:12:54,425 --> 00:12:55,252
L.I.E.
308
00:12:55,339 --> 00:12:57,211
Anything else?
309
00:12:57,298 --> 00:13:00,823
I take regular condoms, and I
put them in the Magnum box.
310
00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:03,739
Yeah, I kind of figured that.
311
00:13:05,393 --> 00:13:06,698
All right, good-bye, Jeff.
312
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,439
Alan. Whatever your name is.
313
00:13:08,526 --> 00:13:10,093
Please, Gretchen, Gretchen,
don't go, don't go.
314
00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:11,616
I really do care
for you. Oh!
315
00:13:11,703 --> 00:13:13,923
Gretchen, come back!
316
00:13:14,010 --> 00:13:16,447
You have the pizza coupon!
317
00:13:16,534 --> 00:13:17,971
♪ Men.♪
318
00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:22,889
♪ Men.♪
319
00:13:25,282 --> 00:13:27,154
Wow, look at you.
320
00:13:27,241 --> 00:13:31,027
Now you can look at the ocean
and watch porn at the same time.
321
00:13:31,114 --> 00:13:34,726
Oh, I don't like looking
at naked women.
322
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,816
That didn't
come out right.
323
00:13:36,903 --> 00:13:40,210
I use this computer
for work.
324
00:13:40,297 --> 00:13:42,343
In fact, it's what paid
for this view.
325
00:13:42,430 --> 00:13:43,866
This view is free.
326
00:13:43,953 --> 00:13:47,261
Everything you say
is like a bumper sticker.
327
00:13:49,132 --> 00:13:51,961
Well, I'm just gonna
keep on truckin', then!
328
00:13:52,048 --> 00:13:55,747
Hey, don't forget to coexist.
329
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:58,228
You know, it's with all
the religious symbols?
330
00:13:58,315 --> 00:14:00,622
The star of David
and the fish.
331
00:14:00,709 --> 00:14:02,493
It's a bumper sticker.
Never mind.
332
00:14:02,580 --> 00:14:04,495
All right, where-where...
where you headed?
333
00:14:04,582 --> 00:14:06,367
Carbon Canyon tonight,
and then the...
334
00:14:06,454 --> 00:14:08,891
the road is open,
and so is my mind.
335
00:14:08,978 --> 00:14:12,590
[gasps] Ooh, that could be
a bumper sticker.
336
00:14:12,677 --> 00:14:15,028
Hey, uh, why don't you give me
your number?
337
00:14:15,115 --> 00:14:16,638
We'll have to stay in touch.
338
00:14:16,725 --> 00:14:18,945
I don't have a phone.
339
00:14:19,032 --> 00:14:20,033
That is awesome.
340
00:14:22,557 --> 00:14:25,952
So I guess this is good-bye.
341
00:14:26,039 --> 00:14:27,692
I-I guess so.
342
00:14:27,779 --> 00:14:30,217
Hey, thanks for letting me
crash on your couch
343
00:14:30,304 --> 00:14:31,653
and for the hot shower.
344
00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:33,916
By the way, your staff
is so attentive.
345
00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:36,527
I mean, that Barry kid
checked up on me,
346
00:14:36,614 --> 00:14:39,008
like, five times
during the night.
347
00:14:42,794 --> 00:14:44,666
All right, you know,
348
00:14:44,753 --> 00:14:48,670
I-I don't usually say this
to people in this house, but...
349
00:14:48,757 --> 00:14:51,499
if you want,
you can stay longer.
350
00:14:53,022 --> 00:14:54,850
You're very sweet, Walden,
351
00:14:54,937 --> 00:14:56,983
but, uh, I gotta get going.
352
00:14:57,070 --> 00:14:59,159
Enjoy your view.
353
00:14:59,246 --> 00:15:00,421
[chuckles]
354
00:15:02,031 --> 00:15:03,032
Hey, Vivian.
355
00:15:03,119 --> 00:15:04,033
Yeah?
356
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:06,383
Are you gonna be okay?
357
00:15:06,470 --> 00:15:08,342
Yeah, I'll be fine.
358
00:15:08,429 --> 00:15:10,344
I mean, this is...
this is what I do.
359
00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:12,085
Okay.
360
00:15:13,434 --> 00:15:14,826
Walden?
361
00:15:17,394 --> 00:15:18,395
Yeah?
362
00:15:18,482 --> 00:15:19,701
Are you gonna be okay?
363
00:15:19,788 --> 00:15:22,617
I do...
364
00:15:22,704 --> 00:15:25,359
think I'm gonna be okay.
365
00:15:25,446 --> 00:15:28,797
♪ Men.♪
366
00:15:28,884 --> 00:15:32,801
Okay, I think I, uh,
got all my stuff.
367
00:15:32,888 --> 00:15:34,542
Okay, that is my lamp.
368
00:15:34,629 --> 00:15:37,110
Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah,
but I put a new bulb in it.
369
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,635
So, you know, I'll just wait
till this one blows out,
370
00:15:40,722 --> 00:15:41,418
then I'll shoot it
right back to you.
371
00:15:41,505 --> 00:15:43,507
Okay. Or...
372
00:15:50,601 --> 00:15:52,168
[doorbell rings]
373
00:15:55,128 --> 00:15:57,043
I'll be back for you.
374
00:16:00,002 --> 00:16:01,047
Gretchen?
375
00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:03,049
I'm glad you're here.
376
00:16:03,136 --> 00:16:04,789
I realized the only thing
377
00:16:04,876 --> 00:16:07,357
I actually know about you
is where you live.
378
00:16:07,444 --> 00:16:08,793
Well...
379
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:11,318
Oh, my God, is everything
about you a lie?
380
00:16:11,405 --> 00:16:12,710
Are you even cheap?
381
00:16:12,797 --> 00:16:14,538
I am cheap.
382
00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:16,584
Two of the four windows
in my car are garbage bags.
383
00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:18,194
Look... look, I know
384
00:16:18,281 --> 00:16:20,196
I was an idiot,
but-but what I said before
385
00:16:20,283 --> 00:16:22,459
about how much I care about you,
I-I meant that.
386
00:16:22,546 --> 00:16:24,200
But... you know,
387
00:16:24,287 --> 00:16:25,114
I-I understand if you want
nothing to do with me.
388
00:16:25,201 --> 00:16:27,160
That's why I'm here.
389
00:16:27,247 --> 00:16:29,379
Look, I made my share
of mistakes
390
00:16:29,466 --> 00:16:30,685
when my husband left me.
391
00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:31,947
I know how hurtful it can be.
392
00:16:32,034 --> 00:16:33,949
I know how crazy you can become.
393
00:16:34,036 --> 00:16:37,561
I mean, I'm sure you Googled me
and saw my mug shots online.
394
00:16:37,648 --> 00:16:39,085
Uh, no. Um...
395
00:16:39,172 --> 00:16:41,696
Well, don't freak out.
I was innocent.
396
00:16:41,783 --> 00:16:44,307
According to the state
of Illinois.
397
00:16:44,394 --> 00:16:46,483
The point is,
398
00:16:46,570 --> 00:16:48,224
we all have secrets.
399
00:16:48,311 --> 00:16:51,097
So, are you saying that we can
get back together?
400
00:16:51,184 --> 00:16:54,622
I'm saying I would like
to break up with Jeff Strongman
401
00:16:54,709 --> 00:16:56,189
and get to know Alan Harper.
402
00:16:56,276 --> 00:16:59,105
Really? Oh, that's great.
403
00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:02,847
But-but first, I'd like
one last moment with Jeff.
404
00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:03,892
Jeff?
405
00:17:03,979 --> 00:17:05,589
Yes?Screw you.
406
00:17:05,676 --> 00:17:07,200
Oh, God!
407
00:17:07,287 --> 00:17:09,071
[groans]
408
00:17:09,158 --> 00:17:11,421
Oh, are you okay, Alan?
409
00:17:14,207 --> 00:17:16,774
♪ Men.♪
410
00:17:16,861 --> 00:17:17,862
Hey, you.
411
00:17:17,949 --> 00:17:20,343
Hey, you're back.
412
00:17:20,430 --> 00:17:24,521
So, I've got good news
and I've got great news.
413
00:17:24,608 --> 00:17:26,610
The good news is,
I did work it out
414
00:17:26,697 --> 00:17:28,177
so I could stay a few more days.
415
00:17:28,264 --> 00:17:30,092
Oh.And the great news is,
416
00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:32,312
I took my underwear off
in the car.
417
00:17:36,533 --> 00:17:38,492
Hey, um...
418
00:17:38,579 --> 00:17:39,101
[grunts, stammers]
419
00:17:41,495 --> 00:17:44,324
Listen, we need...
we need to talk.
420
00:17:44,411 --> 00:17:46,065
Awfully serious for someone
421
00:17:46,152 --> 00:17:48,545
who just got hit in the face
with a thong.
422
00:17:48,632 --> 00:17:51,200
Here's the thing.
423
00:17:51,287 --> 00:17:53,246
While you were gone,
I met someone.
424
00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:55,857
What?
425
00:17:55,944 --> 00:17:57,337
I mean, nothing happened
physically.
426
00:17:57,424 --> 00:18:01,819
It's just, I can't stop thinking
about her,
427
00:18:01,906 --> 00:18:03,212
and it's made me question
everything,
428
00:18:03,299 --> 00:18:05,606
including my sanity
429
00:18:05,693 --> 00:18:08,217
and my interior
decorating instincts.
430
00:18:08,304 --> 00:18:11,133
Are you saying that you want
to be with this girl now?
431
00:18:11,220 --> 00:18:13,483
I don't know what I want.
432
00:18:13,570 --> 00:18:16,007
I just, I know I have
to pursue this.
433
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,748
Wow.
434
00:18:17,835 --> 00:18:20,142
I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.
435
00:18:20,229 --> 00:18:21,839
I-I never meant to hurt you.
436
00:18:21,926 --> 00:18:23,406
I don't feel the same.
437
00:18:23,493 --> 00:18:24,277
[groans]
438
00:18:26,801 --> 00:18:28,194
♪ Men.♪
439
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:32,241
Hi.
440
00:18:32,328 --> 00:18:33,242
Hi-ya!
441
00:18:33,329 --> 00:18:35,723
[groans]
442
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:41,076
Oh...
443
00:18:41,163 --> 00:18:43,992
Oh, they had just
dropped back down!
444
00:18:44,079 --> 00:18:46,125
Walden, what are you doing here?
445
00:18:46,212 --> 00:18:48,127
[groans]
446
00:18:48,214 --> 00:18:53,306
Remember how you asked me
if I was gonna be okay?
447
00:18:53,393 --> 00:18:56,396
I don't think I am.
448
00:18:56,483 --> 00:18:58,137
Is it because I just kicked you
in the balls?
449
00:18:58,224 --> 00:19:00,530
There's that.
450
00:19:00,617 --> 00:19:04,317
Uh, but before I met you,
451
00:19:04,404 --> 00:19:08,451
I was very close to asking
another woman to marry me.
452
00:19:10,323 --> 00:19:11,976
But then I didn't...
453
00:19:12,063 --> 00:19:13,848
because I couldn't stop thinking
of you.
454
00:19:13,935 --> 00:19:18,983
So, you came here to tell me
that you dumped your girlfriend,
455
00:19:19,070 --> 00:19:22,639
sweep me off my feet,
and the two of us would,
456
00:19:22,726 --> 00:19:25,512
what, sail off
into the sunset together?
457
00:19:29,211 --> 00:19:30,734
Yes?
458
00:19:30,821 --> 00:19:32,345
You don't even know me.
459
00:19:32,432 --> 00:19:36,566
Okay... I know you enough
460
00:19:36,653 --> 00:19:38,699
to know that I want
to know you more.
461
00:19:38,786 --> 00:19:40,483
Walden, stop it.
462
00:19:40,570 --> 00:19:43,007
I'm just a stranger who wanted
to drink from your hose.
463
00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:47,098
Okay, that didn't... that didn't
really come out right.
464
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,317
Look, I know
I don't know you
465
00:19:48,404 --> 00:19:49,971
very well, but I feel like
466
00:19:50,058 --> 00:19:51,842
you're the type of guy
who falls in love easily.
467
00:19:51,929 --> 00:19:54,236
You know me perfectly!
That's exactly who I am.
468
00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:57,021
I... look, we're soul mates.
469
00:19:57,108 --> 00:19:58,545
Soul mates aren't made in a day.
470
00:19:58,632 --> 00:20:02,026
Oh, that's another
great bumper sticker.
471
00:20:02,113 --> 00:20:04,203
Walden, you're a great guy,
472
00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:07,075
but we lead
two very different lives.
473
00:20:07,162 --> 00:20:08,946
Did I mention
that I have a plane
474
00:20:09,033 --> 00:20:10,513
and I can take you anywhere
you want to go?
475
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:15,126
Do you see?
You want to fly over everything.
476
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,650
For you, it's all about
the destination.
477
00:20:16,737 --> 00:20:20,088
For me, the journey
is the destination.
478
00:20:20,175 --> 00:20:22,438
Okay, are you writing
these down?
479
00:20:24,832 --> 00:20:26,790
Go home, Walden.
480
00:20:29,315 --> 00:20:31,578
[stammering]
481
00:20:31,665 --> 00:20:32,840
But I-I walked
four miles to get here
482
00:20:32,927 --> 00:20:35,582
in the dark.
In the woods!
483
00:20:35,669 --> 00:20:38,759
I don't even know
if I can find my way home.
484
00:20:38,846 --> 00:20:41,240
Maybe I should just stay
with you.
485
00:20:45,505 --> 00:20:47,071
[alarm chirps]
486
00:20:47,158 --> 00:20:47,463
Ah, dude, there's your car.
487
00:20:49,639 --> 00:20:50,553
♪ Men.♪
488
00:20:54,775 --> 00:20:56,167
♪ Men.♪
489
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:56,907
Here you go, sweetie.
490
00:20:56,994 --> 00:20:58,822
Thank you.
491
00:21:03,436 --> 00:21:05,438
I'm so sorry
I freaked out on you.
492
00:21:05,525 --> 00:21:06,961
It's not your fault.
493
00:21:07,048 --> 00:21:09,137
I should've known better.
494
00:21:09,224 --> 00:21:10,704
VIVIAN:
I'm sorry, too.
495
00:21:10,791 --> 00:21:11,748
I should have never let you go.
496
00:21:14,708 --> 00:21:16,362
Well, you're both here now...
497
00:21:16,449 --> 00:21:17,841
and I'm ready to enjoy the view.
498
00:21:17,928 --> 00:21:21,105
You want us to kiss, Walden?
499
00:21:21,192 --> 00:21:23,934
Yeah, kiss each other.
500
00:21:27,634 --> 00:21:28,591
Do it.
501
00:21:28,678 --> 00:21:30,245
Kiss each other.
502
00:21:32,639 --> 00:21:34,467
Well, it is his house.
503
00:21:34,554 --> 00:21:36,730
Captioning sponsored by
CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
504
00:21:36,817 --> 00:21:38,862
and TOYOTA.
505
00:21:38,949 --> 00:21:39,559
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
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