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1
00:00:42,084 --> 00:00:42,618
Hey, you!
2
00:00:42,918 --> 00:00:43,918
Hey, pull over!
3
00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:52,173
Stop the vehicle, pull over now!
4
00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:16,656
Are you crazy?
5
00:01:22,833 --> 00:01:26,417
Oh, I see, alright forget it.
6
00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:29,338
I lost my pencil.
7
00:01:33,218 --> 00:01:34,218
Oh, I'm sorry.
8
00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:36,777
Well, first of all your trunk was open.
9
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:45,999
Do you want to come back here a minute?
10
00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:47,103
No. - Please.
11
00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:56,949
Problem?
12
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,699
I think IT's a little obvious, don't you?
13
00:01:59,995 --> 00:02:01,610
Look, your latch is broken.
14
00:02:01,913 --> 00:02:03,574
That's why the trunk won't close.
15
00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:05,159
See, IT's all inside here.
16
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:06,619
All the tumblers are busted.
17
00:02:09,171 --> 00:02:10,707
I'm sorry.
18
00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:11,540
Oh, and these things are all
19
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,080
sticking out, look at that.
20
00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:16,667
And this here, there we go.
21
00:02:25,771 --> 00:02:26,851
I'm sorry, all right?
22
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:29,641
Well, you should be.
23
00:02:29,941 --> 00:02:30,475
Now, are you also aware
24
00:02:30,776 --> 00:02:33,313
that you made an illegal u-turn?
25
00:02:48,543 --> 00:02:49,543
That makes sense.
26
00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:50,120
Well, I'm gonna have to give you
27
00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:50,954
a warning anyway now.
28
00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:52,534
May I see your driver's license?
29
00:02:57,969 --> 00:02:59,834
Okay, okay, okay, that makes sense too.
30
00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:00,672
Well, what about your
31
00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:01,991
ownership papers on the car?
32
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,095
You have those with you?
33
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:10,224
Alright, okay, okay that
makes sense, alright.
34
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:11,058
Well, I'm gonna have to
35
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:12,063
give you a citation anyway.
36
00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:13,724
Sign right here, okay?
37
00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:17,523
Alright.
38
00:03:17,823 --> 00:03:19,154
Huh, oh.
39
00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:25,119
All right, Mr. Capricorn,
okay, well, there you go.
40
00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:25,948
Let me get you back in the car now.
41
00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:26,953
Watch your head.
42
00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:28,705
Watch your head!
43
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,740
There we go.
44
00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:32,079
Hey, and drive carefully.
45
00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:34,586
Those kids on the road could be yours.
46
00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:35,881
Why's that?
47
00:04:06,955 --> 00:04:09,321
Mmm, mmm, ah, my heart!
48
00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:12,334
My heart, ah!
49
00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:17,003
Ooh, yeah baby!
50
00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:22,084
Oh, shit!
51
00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:23,467
I got me a wallet!
52
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,550
Woo, we eat tonight!
53
00:04:25,849 --> 00:04:26,884
After a bathroom.
54
00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:28,184
Oh, hey, hold it!
55
00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:29,435
What's the matter here?
56
00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:30,141
You dropped your wallet.
57
00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:31,622
Oh, thank you cop, thank
you, keep in touch.
58
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,602
Have a nice day!
59
00:04:33,899 --> 00:04:34,899
Hey, Tyrone!
60
00:04:37,569 --> 00:04:38,729
Cootchie coo!
61
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:40,946
Ugh!
62
00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:43,657
Ooh, hey!
63
00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:05,051
Oh no, no, oh!
64
00:05:09,351 --> 00:05:10,711
Hey, bud, your fly's down.
65
00:05:10,936 --> 00:05:15,646
- Oh, yeah, hey so is yours.
- Yeah, thanks, alright, cool.
66
00:05:28,578 --> 00:05:29,578
Ouch, shit!
67
00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:37,204
Hey, come on buddy.
68
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:38,038
You gotta move, come on.
69
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:39,338
Come on, let's go.
70
00:05:39,589 --> 00:05:40,169
Hey, come on, you're not allowed
71
00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:40,999
to sleep in the park now.
72
00:05:41,299 --> 00:05:42,299
Let's go, buddy!
73
00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:43,919
Hey, pal, come on!
74
00:05:44,219 --> 00:05:45,219
Hey, you okay?
75
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:46,630
Hey buddy, come on!
76
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:47,464
Oh shit!
77
00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:49,049
Oh, my god he...
78
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:50,349
Let me see.
79
00:05:52,269 --> 00:05:53,269
Oh, gosh.
80
00:05:56,773 --> 00:05:57,853
Oh, all right.
81
00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:16,623
Hey, thanks buddy!
82
00:06:21,798 --> 00:06:24,130
Alright, come on kids!
83
00:06:24,426 --> 00:06:25,632
Follow the leader, let's go!
84
00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:26,927
Come on, let's go!
85
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:29,176
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
86
00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:32,179
- Mister, I found your gun!
- Alright, get over there!
87
00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:33,744
All right, all right,
come here, sweetheart.
88
00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:34,768
Come on!
89
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:36,520
Come here!
90
00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:37,646
No!
91
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,355
Come on sweetheart, darling.
92
00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:41,752
Let's go, come on, we have to go!
93
00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:42,776
Honey, come on!
94
00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:45,443
Come on, you have to
come across the street.
95
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:47,149
Ow, ooh, ow, no, no!
96
00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:48,564
Come here, eh!
97
00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:49,572
No, come on, sweetie.
98
00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:50,402
Ouch!
99
00:06:50,702 --> 00:06:51,782
Ooh, ow!
100
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:53,943
Oh no, ow, ooh, sheesh!
101
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:56,582
Come on, let's go!
102
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:57,750
Come here now!
103
00:06:57,918 --> 00:06:59,078
Come on!
104
00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:01,413
Come here, come here!
105
00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:03,499
Come on now, come on.
106
00:07:03,798 --> 00:07:05,234
Now, give me that apple
and get out of here.
107
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:05,792
Go ahead.
108
00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:06,626
I don't want you on my property!
109
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:07,541
Get out of here, beat it!
110
00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,800
Alright, leave me alone!
111
00:07:19,731 --> 00:07:23,474
Hey, hey, I sure would like
to get into your underwear.
112
00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:25,897
Yeah, well I already got
an asshole in my underwear
113
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,106
and I don't need another one!
114
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:28,466
So get lost! - Hey Melvin, you missed one.
115
00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:29,490
Are you crazy,
116
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:31,092
go home and try that trick on your pet.
117
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:32,428
Hey Melvin, thanks for getting me
118
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:33,817
out of jail last week.
119
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,987
Well sure, but
I've only got a dollar.
120
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:38,351
What do you do? - I'm an actor.
121
00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:39,455
Where do you work?
122
00:07:39,751 --> 00:07:40,895
I'm the girl that works
with Paramount all day
123
00:07:40,919 --> 00:07:42,204
and fox all night.
124
00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:45,246
Two for one sale, two for one.
125
00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:47,459
Two for one. - Credit cards for me.
126
00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:49,487
But at those amounts
to charge the visa.
127
00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:56,840
Hey, hey, what's going on down there?
128
00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:58,383
Hey, you guys can't do that!
129
00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:00,247
Hey, you guys are in a lot of trouble now!
130
00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:02,387
No cockfighting allowed in this town!
131
00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:05,307
You're all in a lot, hey,
here, i'm, hey what the?
132
00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:08,730
This is no good, you're
all in a lot of trouble!
133
00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:18,057
I've got 10 bucks on
you get back in there.
134
00:08:18,081 --> 00:08:20,041
Come on, get back in there
and get him you bitch!
135
00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:21,250
Get it!
136
00:08:21,376 --> 00:08:22,786
Keep it down and keep it dirty.
137
00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:30,086
Okay, I'm gonna let you
get away with it this time,
138
00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:32,917
but don't you ever let me
catch any of you here again!
139
00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,256
You got that!
140
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,901
I been coming here
everyday for three months.
141
00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:45,430
That's probably why your wife left you.
142
00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:47,816
Anybody gave last week? - Shit.
143
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:56,233
Excuse me, miss, you
shouldn't be in this line.
144
00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:07,210
539, man in trouble at 1545 venice drive,
145
00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:12,295
code 17, victim shot 15 times
in head, says he needs help.
146
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:14,922
All cars in the Hollywood area,
147
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:16,621
counterfeit bills being circulated,
148
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,881
be careful in accepting bribes.
149
00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:21,300
Car 63, report immediately
150
00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:23,139
to first savings at second Avenue
151
00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:25,349
and third street in the fourth precinct.
152
00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:28,264
Five hold-up men have six
employees and seven customers.
153
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,604
There's a bomb set to
go off in eight seconds
154
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:33,145
and you are about nine blocks away.
155
00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:36,565
Car 63, never mind!
156
00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:39,359
Car 86, come in please.
157
00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:41,493
Ah ah ah!
158
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:49,249
Car 86, where are you?
159
00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:53,467
Car 86 reporting.
160
00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:55,154
Ah yes, captain Lewis wants you
161
00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:57,419
to report to his office immediately.
162
00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:59,087
Roger, 10-4 and out.
163
00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:02,511
Ooh! - I said now, Ken,
164
00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:04,301
the girl can wait!
165
00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:07,971
This coffee is great, sue.
166
00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:09,889
Oh, hi, Melvin, how are you?
167
00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:11,524
Fine, except I'm a little late.
168
00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:13,964
Yes, you're late with your
appointment for captain Lewis,
169
00:10:13,988 --> 00:10:15,649
but IT's okay, I covered for you.
170
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:16,949
Oh, thanks.
171
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,565
I told him you slept in.
172
00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:20,358
Is captain Lewis upset?
173
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:21,662
No. - Oh good.
174
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:22,990
He's furious.
175
00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:27,674
Maybe I should come
back when he's not busy.
176
00:10:27,752 --> 00:10:28,286
Oh, no, no, no!
177
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:30,106
I told him I'd send you in
as soon as you got here.
178
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:33,167
But IT's okay, his bark is
a lot worse than his bite.
179
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,308
Here, you can finish
the rest of this, okay?
180
00:10:37,428 --> 00:10:38,428
Oh, okay.
181
00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:41,375
I've been hearing that you
tell people that I tell lies!
182
00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:42,512
Oh, you heard wrong, sir.
183
00:10:42,725 --> 00:10:43,384
I heard what wrong?
184
00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:45,121
That what you heard about me
telling people you tell lies,
185
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:46,145
you heard wrong.
186
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:47,998
What I heard about people
telling lies you heard wrong?
187
00:10:48,022 --> 00:10:48,556
What?
188
00:10:48,857 --> 00:10:49,516
Well, what you heard about
me telling people you
189
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:51,647
tell lies you heard wrong, sir!
190
00:10:51,943 --> 00:10:54,184
That's why you're getting a promotion.
191
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:55,021
You mean I'll be getting
192
00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:57,277
that desk job I've been wanting, sir?
193
00:10:57,574 --> 00:11:00,782
Even better, even better.
194
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:02,692
You're gonna be getting night patrol.
195
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:04,994
Night patrol, sir?
196
00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:07,450
And with it you get a car
and a partner and a raise.
197
00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:09,745
A car, a partner, and a raise, sir?
198
00:11:10,044 --> 00:11:11,480
I said you get a car and a partner.
199
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,224
I didn't say anything about a raise, did I?
200
00:11:13,256 --> 00:11:15,417
No, sir, nothing about
a raise, nothing sir!
201
00:11:15,717 --> 00:11:17,027
Now I want you to meet your new partner.
202
00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:18,086
He's from a new precinct.
203
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:23,129
Miss perman, is Kent Lane here yet?
204
00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:25,719
Yes, he is sir! - Yes he is sir, what?
205
00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:28,726
Yes, he is sir, sir! - Good, send him in!
206
00:11:34,986 --> 00:11:36,942
Patrolman Kent Lane reporting, sir.
207
00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:39,194
Oh, I see you met miss perman.
208
00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:42,106
Yes, sue perman and I are
old friends, aren't we?
209
00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:44,430
Yes, I've known you since
you were a clerk, Kent.
210
00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:46,240
Well, I'm your captain Lewis, Lane
211
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:48,530
and this is your new partner, Melvin white.
212
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:49,538
How do you do?
213
00:11:49,834 --> 00:11:51,074
And has sue already made
214
00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:52,617
out our schedules, sir?
215
00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:55,128
No, no, but she will plan it daily.
216
00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:56,423
Yes, I will and, sir,
217
00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:58,878
will you be holding
inspection this evening, sir?
218
00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:00,177
Nah, nah.
219
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:02,965
I don't want anymore of that crap tonight.
220
00:12:03,264 --> 00:12:05,050
Sir, please don't use those words.
221
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:07,100
Crap tonight?
222
00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:09,471
What's the matter, sue perman?
223
00:12:10,772 --> 00:12:12,637
My language a little too rough for you?
224
00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:15,811
Crap tonight, crap tonight!
225
00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:19,728
Sir, those words make me
feel weak and helpless.
226
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:22,979
Alright, I want you two go
and get a good night's sleep
227
00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:26,484
and be back here for
inspection at six o'clock.
228
00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:28,949
The inspection is generally
at five o'clock, sir.
229
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,240
Are you calling me a liar too?
230
00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:33,248
No, then inspection will be at six.
231
00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:35,830
No, I said the
inspection is at five o'clock!
232
00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:37,336
Now, dismissed!
233
00:12:37,632 --> 00:12:38,817
So inspection's at six, sir?
234
00:12:38,841 --> 00:12:41,833
Right!
235
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:44,823
You'll never guess what
happened to me, sue.
236
00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:45,381
You got a promotion, fancy new partner,
237
00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:47,013
and you got a car.
238
00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:48,423
Well how did you know?
239
00:12:48,726 --> 00:12:50,717
Let's just say a little bird told me.
240
00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:54,058
But he didn't get a raise.
241
00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:55,642
Aw, no raise!
242
00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:57,057
Oh, that's too bad.
243
00:12:58,027 --> 00:12:58,686
But you know, Melvin,
244
00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:00,978
the way you treat people
with love and respect...
245
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:02,758
What I was really
hoping for was a desk job
246
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,522
that would keep my evenings free.
247
00:13:04,826 --> 00:13:06,720
What's the matter that you
don't wanna work at night?
248
00:13:06,744 --> 00:13:08,024
You're not moonlighting, are ya?
249
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,616
Somebody moonlighting?
250
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:11,620
No, no, captain!
251
00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:14,498
Are you calling me a liar? - No, sir!
252
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:16,689
You see I'm working on this
novel about police work
253
00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:18,273
and I work much better in the evenings.
254
00:13:18,339 --> 00:13:19,441
You see, I went to night school.
255
00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:21,225
Oh well, Melvin, I
hope that you finish it
256
00:13:21,509 --> 00:13:23,153
'cause you're such a wonderful human being
257
00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:25,168
and a sincere person.
258
00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:27,471
You know, you're either
a fool or you're stupid.
259
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,160
That girl back there really likes you.
260
00:13:29,392 --> 00:13:30,051
Sue likes me?
261
00:13:30,351 --> 00:13:31,010
I don't think so.
262
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:32,311
Sure she does.
263
00:13:32,395 --> 00:13:33,726
IT's written all over her face.
264
00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:37,790
I notice that whenever she's around you,
265
00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:39,099
can't keep her eyes off you.
266
00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:42,610
Not even to look at me,
which is incredible.
267
00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:45,066
For a while I though she
was some sort of a dyke.
268
00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:46,566
You know what you ought to do?
269
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,695
You ought to jump on officer Judy.
270
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:50,264
Officer Judy, you mean with...
271
00:13:50,288 --> 00:13:52,324
Yeah, I was with her all last night.
272
00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:53,157
Oh yeah?
273
00:13:53,458 --> 00:13:55,119
Fucked her brains out.
274
00:13:55,418 --> 00:13:56,533
Shh, here she comes now.
275
00:13:58,713 --> 00:13:59,713
Oh, hi, Judy!
276
00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:01,165
IT's gonna be okay.
277
00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:02,125
IT's gonna be alright.
278
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,040
You don't have a thing to worry about.
279
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:05,344
I've got new evidence.
280
00:14:05,553 --> 00:14:06,918
We're gonna get you a new trial.
281
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:08,381
I'm gonna get you a new deal.
282
00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:09,596
Judge is a friend of mine.
283
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:12,966
Meantime, if you get the
chance, try to escape.
284
00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:14,509
Let's go!
285
00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:19,460
Alright, you guys,
prepare for inspection!
286
00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:20,484
Attention!
287
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:25,049
He's not
gonna fart again, is he?
288
00:14:28,743 --> 00:14:30,654
Alright, officers.
289
00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:33,114
I want to clean up this city.
290
00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:35,325
Prostitution is running rampant.
291
00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:38,617
And I want to drive every
hooker out of this town.
292
00:14:42,507 --> 00:14:45,499
Now, I want you to be extra
careful for the next 24 hours
293
00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:47,167
because I'm leaving town
294
00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:49,756
and I'm going to a police
convention in Las Vegas.
295
00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:53,097
Officers seven and nine? - Yes, sir!
296
00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:54,929
Take the Hollywood area. - Yes, sir!
297
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:56,889
Officers three and five? - Yes, sir!
298
00:14:57,188 --> 00:14:58,519
Chinatown. - Yes, sir!
299
00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:00,726
Officers two and six? - Yes, sir!
300
00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:02,060
The beach. - Yes, sir!
301
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:05,067
And officers four and one?
302
00:15:05,363 --> 00:15:07,149
Officers four and one?
303
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,469
Always want to go there, I
don't like it there anymore.
304
00:15:10,493 --> 00:15:12,825
But those guys... - Are you one?
305
00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,861
Ooh, yes, I'm one, are you one too?
306
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,531
Well, if you're one,
then you must be four.
307
00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:20,200
I'm for whatever he's for.
308
00:15:20,503 --> 00:15:21,503
Thank you!
309
00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:25,292
Alright, you guys take the park.
310
00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:27,627
Ooh, that means we get
to wear our dresses!
311
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,667
I'll wear my Bob mackie. - You would!
312
00:15:29,971 --> 00:15:31,156
And don't wear your chiffon
313
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:33,171
because it just doesn't match your eyes.
314
00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:34,008
He's right.
315
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:36,428
And be sure you
catch the purse snatcher.
316
00:15:36,477 --> 00:15:38,843
Ooh, we almost caught him in
a park just the other night.
317
00:15:39,147 --> 00:15:40,187
But he gave US the slip.
318
00:15:40,398 --> 00:15:43,105
And then we followed him
all the way downtown.
319
00:15:43,401 --> 00:15:44,681
And again he gave US the slip!
320
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:45,770
That's right.
321
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:46,604
He gave me a blue slip.
322
00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:47,563
What color was your slip?
323
00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:48,569
Mine was chartreuse.
324
00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:51,151
Ooh, take my breath away!
325
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:52,691
Dismissed!
326
00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:53,994
Now go get 'em tigers!
327
00:16:11,554 --> 00:16:13,340
Okay, Melvin, I want you to cover for me.
328
00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:15,095
I shouldn't take too long.
329
00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:15,925
Wait wait, is there any chance
330
00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:19,717
of you letting' me go out
there and you cover for me?
331
00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:20,680
Are you crazy?
332
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:21,980
You're just a rookie.
333
00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:24,055
I've been doing night
patrol now for 10 years.
334
00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:25,377
Just keep your eyes peeled.
335
00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:26,982
But I'll be a rookie all my life
336
00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:28,398
unless you give me a chance!
337
00:16:28,529 --> 00:16:29,188
Now, look, I know I can do it.
338
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:30,569
You gotta trust me, please!
339
00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:31,865
Just this one time.
340
00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:34,277
Okay.
341
00:16:34,577 --> 00:16:36,057
Great, you won't be sorry, I swear!
342
00:16:36,204 --> 00:16:37,319
Be careful. - I will.
343
00:16:37,622 --> 00:16:38,782
You'll be proud of me, okay?
344
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:47,502
Before I go, let me get that straight now.
345
00:16:47,798 --> 00:16:50,210
That's two jelly doughnuts,
one glazed, two coffees,
346
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:51,950
one cream, one without sugar, right?
347
00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:53,178
Right. - Right!
348
00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:56,921
The rough part of town.
349
00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:58,761
Yeah, well you're not kidding.
350
00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:00,220
Look at that over there!
351
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:01,520
You gotta pull over.
352
00:17:01,812 --> 00:17:02,346
What for?
353
00:17:02,647 --> 00:17:05,480
What for, that guy's parked
in front of a fire hydrant.
354
00:17:05,775 --> 00:17:07,356
Oh, yeah, okay.
355
00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:16,929
You don't mind me handling this, do ya?
356
00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:19,660
Just be firm, okay? - Okay, great.
357
00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:33,503
Now what are you doing in there?
358
00:17:33,803 --> 00:17:35,589
Necking! - Yeah, well
359
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:36,468
you're gonna have to put your neck
360
00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:38,755
back in your pants and go somewhere else.
361
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,738
Why don't you take a fuckin' hike!
362
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:51,105
Kent, he won't move the truck.
363
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,610
Alright, I'll take care of him.
364
00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:09,710
Come on, you, get out of there!
365
00:18:10,006 --> 00:18:11,462
I want you to move that truck now.
366
00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:12,462
I mean now!
367
00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:14,089
I said right now!
368
00:18:14,385 --> 00:18:15,385
You get what I said?
369
00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:17,418
I'll move, I'll move, I'm going!
370
00:18:17,722 --> 00:18:19,587
I'll move the damn thing!
371
00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:23,224
Shit, look out!
372
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:32,100
Oh shit!
373
00:18:41,537 --> 00:18:42,947
Oh, shit, comin' back again now!
374
00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:44,327
Get back!
375
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:45,283
Need reinforcements here!
376
00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:47,448
We need some reinforcements!
377
00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:56,253
He should be out
of bullets pretty soon!
378
00:18:56,552 --> 00:18:59,043
Hey, Bubba, hit
'im with the tear gas!
379
00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:11,477
Aw shit!
380
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:13,725
Code six, code six!
381
00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:15,628
This is car 86 requesting a back-up unit
382
00:19:15,863 --> 00:19:20,653
as soon as possible.
383
00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:23,025
Let's back into this now!
384
00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:26,070
Where is he?
385
00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,003
We've got you completely surrounded.
386
00:19:42,306 --> 00:19:43,921
Drop your weapon!
387
00:19:44,225 --> 00:19:45,931
Oh my god, he's got a kid!
388
00:19:47,812 --> 00:19:48,812
Drop 'im!
389
00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:55,436
Aww, you shot the kid!
390
00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:56,441
Now look what you made me do, you idiot!
391
00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:58,944
You made me hit an innocent bystander!
392
00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:09,976
If I was to blame, I
would admit it, okay.
393
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,035
IT's no big deal!
394
00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:18,379
Get out of here, shoo!
395
00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:25,300
Go ahead, go find your own neighborhood.
396
00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:33,054
When you took over when I slipped
397
00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:34,597
and I fell under the car there.
398
00:20:34,775 --> 00:20:37,312
Thank you, Kent, thank you.
399
00:20:37,611 --> 00:20:39,818
Melvin, you
said he was funny, huh?
400
00:20:40,114 --> 00:20:41,114
How can a bag be funny?
401
00:20:42,908 --> 00:20:44,761
Alright, here's a quick
impression of the first man
402
00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:45,865
to land on the sun.
403
00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:49,120
Ooh, shit!
404
00:20:51,959 --> 00:20:56,544
All right, hold just a second,
my socks are coming down.
405
00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:07,171
Yes, yes, yes, you're a
police officer during the day,
406
00:21:07,475 --> 00:21:09,215
but at night you put this bag on your head
407
00:21:09,518 --> 00:21:10,620
and tell jokes in nightclubs
408
00:21:10,644 --> 00:21:12,764
because you enjoy making
people laugh, is that right?
409
00:21:12,897 --> 00:21:13,897
Right.
410
00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:16,055
You needed a disguise because
411
00:21:16,317 --> 00:21:17,877
as a police officer you'd lose your job
412
00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:20,352
if they found out you were
moonlighting, is that right?
413
00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:21,063
Uh huh. - Don't you think
414
00:21:21,363 --> 00:21:22,403
this is kind of a cop out?
415
00:21:23,157 --> 00:21:24,567
Hey, that's kind of a good joke.
416
00:21:24,867 --> 00:21:26,107
You could use that in your act.
417
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:27,650
I'm so confused.
418
00:21:27,953 --> 00:21:31,320
I can't decide whether to quit
show business or police work.
419
00:21:31,624 --> 00:21:34,366
And to make matters worse,
I've fallen in love.
420
00:21:34,668 --> 00:21:37,284
I feel something when you're
here in the office too.
421
00:21:37,588 --> 00:21:40,250
Chemistry I don't feel with
my other male patients.
422
00:21:40,549 --> 00:21:43,131
No, not you, a girl.
423
00:21:43,427 --> 00:21:45,042
She was beautiful.
424
00:21:46,263 --> 00:21:49,221
Somehow I managed to get her attention.
425
00:21:49,517 --> 00:21:50,517
God, you're beautiful!
426
00:21:55,439 --> 00:21:56,479
I got a lot of money here.
427
00:21:56,732 --> 00:21:58,001
I'd like to take you up to my apartment
428
00:21:58,025 --> 00:21:59,765
and show you some of my etchings.
429
00:22:00,069 --> 00:22:02,060
What's your name? - Edith.
430
00:22:02,363 --> 00:22:05,230
Edith, Edith what? - Edith hutton.
431
00:22:05,533 --> 00:22:07,899
How about joining me for a drink?
432
00:22:08,202 --> 00:22:10,488
Well, Edith hutton says...
433
00:22:12,498 --> 00:22:13,908
Fuck off!
434
00:22:14,208 --> 00:22:15,323
Ow, ow, ow!
435
00:22:15,626 --> 00:22:16,786
Ow ow ow, Jesus!
436
00:22:44,321 --> 00:22:48,485
Ow, my balls, my balls!
437
00:22:52,329 --> 00:22:53,329
My tits are numb too.
438
00:22:53,539 --> 00:22:55,495
A message from miss Parker. - Thank you.
439
00:23:08,220 --> 00:23:08,879
How ya doin?
440
00:23:09,179 --> 00:23:09,713
I caught your act, kid.
441
00:23:10,014 --> 00:23:10,548
I think you're great!
442
00:23:10,848 --> 00:23:11,462
Listen, my name is Kate Parker.
443
00:23:11,765 --> 00:23:12,299
I'd like to handle you
'cause I think you've got
444
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:13,965
what it takes to go all the way.
445
00:23:14,268 --> 00:23:15,599
You do?
446
00:23:15,895 --> 00:23:16,429
All you have to do is listen to me.
447
00:23:16,729 --> 00:23:18,582
Some of the biggest comedians
in the business listen to me.
448
00:23:18,606 --> 00:23:19,220
Ever hear of Don rickles?
449
00:23:19,523 --> 00:23:20,563
No. - He listened to me.
450
00:23:20,608 --> 00:23:21,643
Steve Martin? - No.
451
00:23:21,942 --> 00:23:23,336
He listened to me, Charles Bronson?
452
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:24,600
I don't think so.
453
00:23:24,904 --> 00:23:26,144
Well, he didn't listen to me.
454
00:23:26,363 --> 00:23:28,644
Look, I can have you on all
the top TV talk shows in town
455
00:23:28,699 --> 00:23:30,093
and have you working in
Vegas in six months.
456
00:23:30,117 --> 00:23:31,948
How much did Tex pay you?
457
00:23:32,244 --> 00:23:32,903
He gave me a thousand.
458
00:23:33,203 --> 00:23:34,203
Oh, come on, kid.
459
00:23:34,496 --> 00:23:35,696
He gave you 25 and you're good
460
00:23:35,789 --> 00:23:37,495
so he offered you 35 for next time, right?
461
00:23:37,791 --> 00:23:38,450
How did you know?
462
00:23:38,751 --> 00:23:40,031
IT's my business to know, kid.
463
00:23:40,169 --> 00:23:41,659
Hey, Tex, come here!
464
00:23:41,962 --> 00:23:43,577
Hi, Tex. - Yeah, Kate.
465
00:23:44,715 --> 00:23:46,835
Listen, sweetie, I think
this kid is super talented
466
00:23:47,009 --> 00:23:48,528
so I'm gonna be bringing a lot of people.
467
00:23:48,552 --> 00:23:49,738
They'll be drinkin' a lot of your booze.
468
00:23:49,762 --> 00:23:51,673
So how about paying him 50 bucks next time?
469
00:23:54,141 --> 00:23:55,551
Anything for you, babe.
470
00:23:57,645 --> 00:24:00,557
Thanks, Kate! - You know me, Tony baroni?
471
00:24:00,856 --> 00:24:02,459
Look, I'm lookin' for a manager, you know?
472
00:24:02,483 --> 00:24:04,394
Your act sucks, kid, beat it.
473
00:24:07,404 --> 00:24:08,632
Maybe you didn't see the face.
474
00:24:08,656 --> 00:24:09,716
That's what it must be right?
475
00:24:09,740 --> 00:24:10,740
Go away!
476
00:24:12,534 --> 00:24:13,193
You're making a big mistake.
477
00:24:13,494 --> 00:24:14,596
Anyway, stick with me, kid,
478
00:24:14,620 --> 00:24:16,827
and I'll have ya wearin' a Gucci bag.
479
00:24:17,122 --> 00:24:18,162
Can you believe it, doc?
480
00:24:18,374 --> 00:24:20,956
I met a gorgeous girl named
Edith and a manager named Kate,
481
00:24:21,251 --> 00:24:22,661
who wants to make me a star.
482
00:24:22,962 --> 00:24:24,498
What do you think will happen next?
483
00:24:26,048 --> 00:24:28,881
I predict that you will
have your Kate and Edith too.
484
00:24:34,014 --> 00:24:35,174
Ah, yourself!
485
00:24:37,309 --> 00:24:38,970
I have another very important prediction.
486
00:24:39,269 --> 00:24:39,803
Oh yeah?
487
00:24:40,104 --> 00:24:41,104
What is it doc?
488
00:24:43,691 --> 00:24:45,352
I'm sorry your time's up.
489
00:24:45,651 --> 00:24:47,170
Calling all cars, calling all cars.
490
00:24:47,194 --> 00:24:50,652
Be on the lookout for anything suspicious.
491
00:24:50,948 --> 00:24:52,939
I'd say we're in for
a rough night tonight.
492
00:24:53,242 --> 00:24:54,242
Yeah, why?
493
00:24:54,284 --> 00:24:55,865
Well, look there's a full moon.
494
00:24:59,665 --> 00:25:01,826
Up against the wall!
495
00:25:02,126 --> 00:25:03,846
This is the toughest part of town.
496
00:25:04,128 --> 00:25:08,371
We got gangs, pimps, porno
shops, x-rated movies.
497
00:25:10,509 --> 00:25:12,469
Just keep your eyes open
for anything suspicious.
498
00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:13,720
Help! Help!
499
00:25:13,846 --> 00:25:15,052
Somebody help me!
500
00:25:15,347 --> 00:25:17,463
You ever seen an x-rated movie, huh?
501
00:25:17,766 --> 00:25:18,766
Eh, I went one time.
502
00:25:19,018 --> 00:25:20,883
It was really disgusting, though.
503
00:25:21,186 --> 00:25:22,801
Finally left after about eight hours.
504
00:25:24,106 --> 00:25:26,688
Besides the screen was
beginning to irritate my nose.
505
00:25:31,864 --> 00:25:34,571
Oh, Kent, remember when captain Lewis said
506
00:25:34,867 --> 00:25:36,907
he was gonna drive all the
prostitutes out of town?
507
00:25:37,161 --> 00:25:38,161
Yeah.
508
00:25:38,245 --> 00:25:39,245
Well, there he is!
509
00:25:41,498 --> 00:25:43,018
And he's driving a whole bunch of them
510
00:25:43,042 --> 00:25:44,122
out of town right now!
511
00:25:45,294 --> 00:25:47,034
Geez.
512
00:25:47,337 --> 00:25:48,565
Car 86, robbery in progress
513
00:25:48,589 --> 00:25:52,047
at Sampson bar and grill, 155
Johnson street, code three.
514
00:25:52,342 --> 00:25:53,342
10-4.
515
00:25:53,927 --> 00:25:56,293
Okay, let's go, let's go!
516
00:25:56,597 --> 00:25:57,597
Let's get out of here.
517
00:26:05,105 --> 00:26:07,596
Nobody here, okay, I'm gonna
go talk to the owner.
518
00:26:07,900 --> 00:26:08,935
You check for witnesses.
519
00:26:09,234 --> 00:26:10,234
Okay.
520
00:26:13,030 --> 00:26:15,772
Oh, Kent, I think I killed
an innocent bystander.
521
00:26:16,075 --> 00:26:17,781
IT's alright, calm down.
522
00:26:18,077 --> 00:26:19,157
Just tell US what happened.
523
00:26:19,453 --> 00:26:21,444
Just take it easy, no need for that, okay.
524
00:26:21,747 --> 00:26:25,160
He must have gotten
away with over $2,000.
525
00:26:26,126 --> 00:26:29,243
Tuesday night's our big night
with choir practice next door.
526
00:26:29,546 --> 00:26:30,546
Any description?
527
00:26:30,672 --> 00:26:31,912
Write this down, Melvin.
528
00:26:32,216 --> 00:26:33,672
That's no problem.
529
00:26:34,635 --> 00:26:39,550
He was wearing a tan jacket,
brown pants, and judo shoes.
530
00:26:41,475 --> 00:26:44,182
Any distinguishing features
like a tattoo, mustache?
531
00:26:44,478 --> 00:26:45,809
A zit, cold sore?
532
00:26:46,105 --> 00:26:48,517
Oh yeah, there was one more thing.
533
00:26:49,608 --> 00:26:51,815
He was wearing a bag over his head.
534
00:26:55,572 --> 00:26:56,572
Bag over his head.
535
00:26:56,740 --> 00:27:00,699
Yeah, except he had
two holes for his eyes
536
00:27:00,994 --> 00:27:03,451
and one hole for his mouth
537
00:27:03,747 --> 00:27:05,453
and he kept telling jokes!
538
00:27:05,749 --> 00:27:06,283
Jokes!
539
00:27:06,583 --> 00:27:08,073
What kind of jokes?
540
00:27:09,044 --> 00:27:10,659
How do you get a witch pregnant?
541
00:27:11,713 --> 00:27:13,399
I don't know, how do you
make a witch pregnant?
542
00:27:13,423 --> 00:27:13,957
You fuck her.
543
00:27:14,258 --> 00:27:16,624
I mean, I don't... - That's not funny.
544
00:27:16,927 --> 00:27:17,927
I know.
545
00:27:19,263 --> 00:27:21,470
Yes, it is. - Maybe it is, doc.
546
00:27:21,765 --> 00:27:23,630
Someone's setting me up.
547
00:27:23,934 --> 00:27:24,934
Can you believe it?
548
00:27:24,977 --> 00:27:27,889
Somebody's robbing bars
with a bag on his head.
549
00:27:31,275 --> 00:27:33,186
Do you think your family didn't like you?
550
00:27:33,485 --> 00:27:34,019
Yes.
551
00:27:34,319 --> 00:27:36,239
When I was a kid, my mother
used to scream at me
552
00:27:38,699 --> 00:27:40,339
well, tomorrow night's your big chance.
553
00:27:40,367 --> 00:27:42,198
And a lot of big bookers will be there.
554
00:27:42,494 --> 00:27:43,904
I hope they won't be hard on me.
555
00:27:44,872 --> 00:27:46,266
As funny as a hemorrhoid.
556
00:27:46,290 --> 00:27:48,121
So Julia child has the show on pbs?
557
00:27:49,334 --> 00:27:51,325
The show is... - This guy sucks!
558
00:27:51,628 --> 00:27:53,710
Thank you, thank you.
559
00:27:54,006 --> 00:27:56,338
IT's been swell knowing you.
Get off the stage!
560
00:27:57,301 --> 00:27:58,882
Her pbs show gets canceled.
561
00:28:00,429 --> 00:28:02,636
Hey, you got five minutes, kid!
562
00:28:02,931 --> 00:28:03,465
No pressure.
563
00:28:03,765 --> 00:28:04,765
I mean it, I promise.
564
00:28:04,975 --> 00:28:07,011
No pressure, I really believe in you.
565
00:28:07,311 --> 00:28:09,393
No pressure, don't be nervous.
566
00:28:09,688 --> 00:28:11,648
I have about a million
butterflies in my stomach.
567
00:28:11,732 --> 00:28:14,348
Here, take these. - Mmm, what are they?
568
00:28:14,651 --> 00:28:15,651
Mothballs.
569
00:28:16,403 --> 00:28:18,815
Boy, your career is really on the rise.
570
00:28:19,114 --> 00:28:21,480
We're gonna get into bumper
stickers and posters
571
00:28:21,783 --> 00:28:23,569
and t-shirts, everything!
572
00:28:23,869 --> 00:28:24,909
'Cause after tonight, kid,
573
00:28:25,078 --> 00:28:28,195
you're gonna be the most
known unknown comic.
574
00:28:28,498 --> 00:28:30,204
Ooh, you really think so, Kate?
575
00:28:33,587 --> 00:28:34,587
Guess who?
576
00:28:40,427 --> 00:28:41,587
I don't believe this guy!
577
00:28:41,887 --> 00:28:42,421
He's nuts.
578
00:28:42,721 --> 00:28:44,324
He follows me around all the
time, auditioning for me
579
00:28:44,348 --> 00:28:44,928
and he can't do anything right!
580
00:28:45,224 --> 00:28:46,964
He's a real no talent.
581
00:28:47,267 --> 00:28:49,178
I also do ed Sullivan!
582
00:28:49,478 --> 00:28:52,436
Hey, we got a great fuckin'
show for you to see tonight.
583
00:28:53,398 --> 00:28:55,889
What do you think of that?
584
00:28:56,193 --> 00:28:59,401
You've been a great audience tonight.
585
00:28:59,696 --> 00:29:03,564
Remember to continue to
be a great audience.
586
00:29:03,867 --> 00:29:05,732
We have a new comedian coming up.
587
00:29:06,036 --> 00:29:07,572
I'm sure you're all gonna love him.
588
00:29:07,871 --> 00:29:10,032
Thank you, once again.
589
00:29:10,332 --> 00:29:11,993
Please welcome the unknown comic!
590
00:29:17,756 --> 00:29:18,756
Alright, what a crowd!
591
00:29:18,966 --> 00:29:19,500
What an audience!
592
00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:20,334
All right, woo hoo!
593
00:29:20,634 --> 00:29:22,754
Okay, I'm telling you, I
just flew in from Las Vegas.
594
00:29:22,886 --> 00:29:25,298
What a bummer, I got
airsick and nobody knew!
595
00:29:26,598 --> 00:29:29,385
Yo yeah, got me staying
at the Sahara hotel.
596
00:29:29,685 --> 00:29:30,219
What a weird hotel!
597
00:29:30,519 --> 00:29:32,719
I call the desk clerk tell
him I got a leak in my sink.
598
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:37,160
Yeah, things have been pretty good, though.
599
00:29:37,401 --> 00:29:39,187
I just moved into an apartment over a bank,
600
00:29:39,486 --> 00:29:40,797
which is great 'cause now my ass sits
601
00:29:40,821 --> 00:29:41,936
over 10 million dollars!
602
00:29:43,490 --> 00:29:45,947
Boy, you people have amazing control!
603
00:29:46,243 --> 00:29:47,283
Yeah, I got a joke for you
604
00:29:47,369 --> 00:29:49,234
that's gonna make your boobies fall off.
605
00:29:49,538 --> 00:29:50,538
Oh, you already heard it.
606
00:29:53,709 --> 00:29:54,243
I'm just kidding.
607
00:29:54,543 --> 00:29:56,145
Actually, I can make your
boobies seem larger.
608
00:29:56,169 --> 00:29:57,169
I have small hands.
609
00:29:58,672 --> 00:30:00,441
What do you call a nurse
with dirt on her knees?
610
00:30:00,465 --> 00:30:01,465
The head nurse.
611
00:30:03,218 --> 00:30:05,379
Why does a dog lick his groin?
612
00:30:05,679 --> 00:30:06,679
'Cause he can!
613
00:30:10,309 --> 00:30:12,391
Okay, why is pubic hair curly?
614
00:30:12,686 --> 00:30:14,096
So it doesn't poke your eyes out.
615
00:30:15,856 --> 00:30:18,393
What do you call a hundred
cows masturbating?
616
00:30:22,654 --> 00:30:25,145
One more, what has three balls
and comes from outer space?
617
00:30:25,449 --> 00:30:26,985
E.t., the extra testicle!
618
00:30:29,077 --> 00:30:30,613
You know why they spell sex s-e-x?
619
00:30:30,912 --> 00:30:32,322
'Cause you can't spell.
620
00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:37,395
Did you hear about the guy who
had herpes in his eyebrows?
621
00:30:37,419 --> 00:30:39,579
Yeah, he was lookin' for love
in all the wrong places!
622
00:30:50,682 --> 00:30:51,802
What's his schedule?
623
00:30:52,017 --> 00:30:53,678
Two weeks, price is no object!
624
00:30:53,977 --> 00:30:55,496
Kate, you told me I
could have first shot.
625
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:56,664
Hey, I'll pay whatever you want!
626
00:30:56,688 --> 00:30:57,688
Whatever you want!
627
00:30:57,814 --> 00:30:59,224
How 'bout a little head later?
628
00:31:01,902 --> 00:31:03,767
Uh, listen, I made a
tape of tonight's show.
629
00:31:04,071 --> 00:31:04,730
I want you to listen to it.
630
00:31:05,030 --> 00:31:06,090
You know, it could be very helpful.
631
00:31:06,114 --> 00:31:08,446
By the way, kid, you were great tonight!
632
00:31:08,742 --> 00:31:09,742
They were all wacked out!
633
00:31:09,868 --> 00:31:11,699
Oh, Kate, it felt like my first orgasm!
634
00:31:14,706 --> 00:31:15,946
Can I have your autograph?
635
00:31:16,249 --> 00:31:18,035
Oh, Edith, IT's you!
636
00:31:18,335 --> 00:31:19,996
I believe you owe me a drink.
637
00:31:20,295 --> 00:31:21,295
Right, a drink.
638
00:31:21,463 --> 00:31:23,124
I owe her a drink, Kate.
639
00:31:23,423 --> 00:31:25,163
Listen, I've got some big deals to make.
640
00:31:25,467 --> 00:31:26,467
I'll talk to you later.
641
00:31:26,510 --> 00:31:28,546
By the way, just remember
love comes and goes,
642
00:31:28,845 --> 00:31:30,210
but herpes last forever.
643
00:31:31,348 --> 00:31:32,007
Hey, wait a moment!
644
00:31:32,307 --> 00:31:34,468
Bartender, one
beer and two glasses, okay?
645
00:31:34,768 --> 00:31:36,759
And make sure my glass is clean.
646
00:31:37,062 --> 00:31:38,643
You know, beer makes you smarter?
647
00:31:38,939 --> 00:31:40,145
Really? - It made bud wiser.
648
00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:43,102
Alright, which one of you
two ordered the clean glass?
649
00:31:43,402 --> 00:31:45,188
I did. - Here.
650
00:31:45,487 --> 00:31:47,273
I like my beer in a glass too.
651
00:31:48,698 --> 00:31:50,689
I've got a cucumber I'd like to show you.
652
00:31:50,992 --> 00:31:53,112
I have a bag of tricks i'd
like to show you myself.
653
00:31:53,328 --> 00:31:54,688
Ooh, my motor's revving!
654
00:31:54,830 --> 00:31:55,364
Oh really?
655
00:31:55,664 --> 00:31:57,433
Let's go to my place
and I'll put anchovies
656
00:31:57,457 --> 00:31:59,789
and cream cheese on your
body and lick it off.
657
00:32:00,085 --> 00:32:01,085
I can't right now.
658
00:32:01,211 --> 00:32:01,825
Okay just anchovies.
659
00:32:02,129 --> 00:32:03,769
Well, you see I'm sort of with someone.
660
00:32:03,839 --> 00:32:04,999
He might just pop up.
661
00:32:05,298 --> 00:32:06,458
I'm popping up right now.
662
00:32:07,467 --> 00:32:09,067
And I would love you to clamp your teeth
663
00:32:09,094 --> 00:32:10,504
on my zipper and pull it down.
664
00:32:10,804 --> 00:32:12,590
I can't, really I have to go.
665
00:32:12,889 --> 00:32:14,129
What about your phone number?
666
00:32:14,391 --> 00:32:15,506
Are you into phone sex?
667
00:32:15,809 --> 00:32:17,689
- I don't have a phone.
- Can I drive you home?
668
00:32:17,894 --> 00:32:20,556
- My car's right outside.
- What about a kiss?
669
00:32:20,856 --> 00:32:22,266
Lock your lips on my love muscle.
670
00:32:34,035 --> 00:32:35,035
And don't forget me!
671
00:32:35,078 --> 00:32:36,739
I'll never forget you, uh uh...
672
00:32:37,038 --> 00:32:37,572
Edith!
673
00:32:37,873 --> 00:32:38,873
Edith, right, Edith.
674
00:32:39,833 --> 00:32:40,993
Bartender, write that down.
675
00:32:41,293 --> 00:32:42,533
E-d-e-e-t-h.
676
00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:47,499
Oh, I guess you guys heard
677
00:32:47,799 --> 00:32:49,479
that the bag man robbed another bar today!
678
00:32:49,509 --> 00:32:51,295
Boy, captain Lewis is really determined
679
00:32:51,595 --> 00:32:52,801
to find out who did it.
680
00:32:53,096 --> 00:32:55,303
Oh, he's no more determined
than I am, believe me.
681
00:32:55,599 --> 00:32:58,136
Oh, Melvin, captain Lewis
also received a report
682
00:32:58,435 --> 00:32:59,715
that there's an unknown comedian
683
00:32:59,895 --> 00:33:01,414
who wears a bag on his head,
who's gonna be playing
684
00:33:01,438 --> 00:33:03,929
at the magic and comedy club this weekend.
685
00:33:04,232 --> 00:33:07,816
He's gonna send out a detail
to investigate the suspect.
686
00:33:08,904 --> 00:33:10,384
Oh, do you think there's any chance
687
00:33:10,572 --> 00:33:11,572
that you can work it out
688
00:33:11,698 --> 00:33:13,689
so Kent and I can go on that detail?
689
00:33:15,994 --> 00:33:16,994
IT's in the bag.
690
00:33:17,245 --> 00:33:18,735
The bag man robbed another bar!
691
00:33:19,039 --> 00:33:20,516
The meat market saloon on Powell street!
692
00:33:20,540 --> 00:33:22,220
Now get Kent and get over there right now!
693
00:33:22,250 --> 00:33:22,784
Yes, sir!
694
00:33:23,084 --> 00:33:24,687
Kent, you better finish
filing those reports later,
695
00:33:24,711 --> 00:33:25,245
we gotta go!
696
00:33:25,545 --> 00:33:27,231
The meat market
saloon on Powell street!
697
00:33:27,255 --> 00:33:29,086
Yes sir, yes sir! - I can't!
698
00:33:29,382 --> 00:33:29,916
Hey what's going on?
699
00:33:30,217 --> 00:33:32,069
Bag man robbed another
bar over on Powell street.
700
00:33:32,093 --> 00:33:33,821
No, no, meat market
saloon's on Mounthill.
701
00:33:33,845 --> 00:33:36,211
Why did the captain say
IT's on Powell street?
702
00:33:36,515 --> 00:33:37,550
He was lying.
703
00:33:39,476 --> 00:33:41,262
Is somebody calling me a liar?
704
00:33:41,561 --> 00:33:42,747
No, no, no! - Come on, let's go.
705
00:33:42,771 --> 00:33:46,184
Not me, no sir!
706
00:33:50,403 --> 00:33:51,443
Meat market saloon, huh?
707
00:33:51,613 --> 00:33:53,569
This must be a country and western bar.
708
00:33:53,865 --> 00:33:55,981
Hey. - IT's all right baby!
709
00:33:57,077 --> 00:33:58,487
I don't think so.
710
00:33:58,787 --> 00:34:00,994
Your face or mine? - Your face.
711
00:34:01,289 --> 00:34:03,826
Let's go, come on! - Ow, not so rough!
712
00:34:05,544 --> 00:34:08,126
Hey, IT's about time you pigs got here!
713
00:34:08,421 --> 00:34:10,233
All right, calm down now,
nobody gets anything done
714
00:34:10,257 --> 00:34:11,622
when they're excited.
715
00:34:11,925 --> 00:34:13,631
Who are you telling not to get excited?
716
00:34:13,927 --> 00:34:15,963
All right, back off, back off here!
717
00:34:16,263 --> 00:34:19,255
He just get excited when
he sees beautiful women.
718
00:34:19,558 --> 00:34:20,558
Hey! - Hey!
719
00:34:21,643 --> 00:34:23,804
Who runs this place anyway?
720
00:34:24,104 --> 00:34:27,096
I own the bar and if we catch
that sucker who robbed US
721
00:34:27,399 --> 00:34:30,812
we're gonna turn that bag
inside out, pluck his eyes out,
722
00:34:31,111 --> 00:34:33,397
stab him, shoot him, and then
tear him into little pieces
723
00:34:33,697 --> 00:34:35,688
and then see how funny he is.
724
00:34:35,991 --> 00:34:38,277
- How much money did he get?
- The money's not important.
725
00:34:38,577 --> 00:34:40,408
All he got was a lousy 50 bucks!
726
00:34:40,704 --> 00:34:43,241
It was the jokes that he told.
727
00:34:43,540 --> 00:34:44,199
What jokes?
728
00:34:44,499 --> 00:34:46,455
Well he asked US if
our favorite TV program
729
00:34:46,751 --> 00:34:50,744
was the dyke Van dick show.
730
00:34:51,798 --> 00:34:56,041
- Pretty funny.
- IT's not that funny.
731
00:34:57,012 --> 00:34:58,092
Hey! - Uh-oh.
732
00:35:01,808 --> 00:35:04,015
No, that is a bad joke. - Yeah, a bad joke.
733
00:35:04,311 --> 00:35:07,098
That bad guy better hope that you get him
734
00:35:07,397 --> 00:35:09,888
before we get him 'cause if we get him
735
00:35:10,191 --> 00:35:12,603
we're gonna rip his dick off!
736
00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:14,422
And then we're gonna bounce his balls
737
00:35:14,446 --> 00:35:16,366
on the ground so hard that
they land on the moon
738
00:35:16,531 --> 00:35:18,317
and feed what's left to the goldfish.
739
00:35:18,617 --> 00:35:21,700
Now get out! - Come on, where you from?
740
00:35:22,746 --> 00:35:25,283
I love it when they dominate.
741
00:35:25,582 --> 00:35:26,947
A tough place huh?
742
00:35:27,250 --> 00:35:28,535
Tough, wanna see tough?
743
00:35:28,835 --> 00:35:30,200
See that pool table over there?
744
00:35:30,503 --> 00:35:32,209
Yeah. - Got no balls.
745
00:35:39,304 --> 00:35:43,217
Boy those were some pretty
scary guy, girls weren't they?
746
00:35:43,516 --> 00:35:45,507
You know that tall one
gave me a real boner.
747
00:35:45,810 --> 00:35:46,810
A what?
748
00:35:46,936 --> 00:35:48,051
Boner, you know, boner.
749
00:35:49,272 --> 00:35:50,307
What's a boner?
750
00:35:51,900 --> 00:35:53,140
Well IT's a...
751
00:35:54,778 --> 00:35:57,520
Well, IT's a, like a fish,
you know you debone a fish.
752
00:35:57,822 --> 00:35:59,813
Oh, speaking of boners, I'm starved.
753
00:36:00,116 --> 00:36:01,716
What do you say we get something to eat?
754
00:36:01,951 --> 00:36:02,485
We can't eat now,
755
00:36:02,786 --> 00:36:04,572
we got about 10 more minutes on this shift.
756
00:36:04,871 --> 00:36:07,203
Here why don't you just finish
off this chocolate bar.
757
00:36:07,499 --> 00:36:08,659
Oh, you don't mind, thanks.
758
00:36:08,875 --> 00:36:09,910
No, go ahead.
759
00:36:12,629 --> 00:36:13,869
Oh yeah.
760
00:36:14,172 --> 00:36:15,852
Hey, Kent, haven't seen you for a while.
761
00:36:16,132 --> 00:36:17,497
Why haven't you called?
762
00:36:17,801 --> 00:36:18,961
Babe, I been a little busy.
763
00:36:19,177 --> 00:36:20,963
I'll give you a call, don't worry.
764
00:36:21,262 --> 00:36:22,502
I'm gonna go wash my fingers.
765
00:36:22,555 --> 00:36:23,755
I got chocolate all over them.
766
00:36:23,932 --> 00:36:24,466
I'll join you.
767
00:36:24,766 --> 00:36:25,300
Gotta drain my lizard.
768
00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:26,259
What? - My lizard.
769
00:36:26,559 --> 00:36:29,346
What's that? - IT's like a horned toad.
770
00:36:34,109 --> 00:36:36,189
See this machine here,
sells these little rubbers,
771
00:36:36,236 --> 00:36:37,897
says for the prevention of disease.
772
00:36:38,196 --> 00:36:39,548
Don't believe it, I wore
one for three weeks.
773
00:36:39,572 --> 00:36:40,652
I got mumps.
774
00:36:41,783 --> 00:36:46,322
Oh no, I got water all
over the front of my pants!
775
00:36:46,621 --> 00:36:47,901
Use the blow dryer over there.
776
00:36:48,081 --> 00:36:50,197
Over there, I can't
go out there like this.
777
00:36:50,500 --> 00:36:51,580
Give me a hand, will ya?
778
00:36:51,876 --> 00:36:55,084
Yeah, oh!
779
00:36:55,380 --> 00:36:58,588
There you go, you up there? - There we go.
780
00:37:09,811 --> 00:37:12,018
We better get out of here
before we get arrested.
781
00:37:14,566 --> 00:37:16,682
I got some menus. - Okay.
782
00:37:16,985 --> 00:37:20,318
All right. - What'll you have?
783
00:37:20,613 --> 00:37:22,945
How much is coffee? - 30 cents.
784
00:37:23,241 --> 00:37:25,573
Okay, a refill. - Refills are free.
785
00:37:25,869 --> 00:37:28,736
Okay, give me a refill and
a slice of garlic cake.
786
00:37:29,038 --> 00:37:30,244
Okay, and you?
787
00:37:30,540 --> 00:37:32,460
I think I'm gonna have
the steak dinner, okay.
788
00:37:32,751 --> 00:37:33,786
Soup or salad?
789
00:37:34,085 --> 00:37:34,790
What kind of soup you got?
790
00:37:35,086 --> 00:37:36,188
Cream of washroom.
791
00:37:36,212 --> 00:37:37,668
Cream of washroom sounds good.
792
00:37:37,964 --> 00:37:38,498
I'll have that.
793
00:37:38,798 --> 00:37:39,838
How you want your steak?
794
00:37:40,133 --> 00:37:43,045
As Ronald Reagan would say, well!
795
00:37:48,349 --> 00:37:50,431
Kent!
796
00:37:50,727 --> 00:37:52,183
Thanks so much for last night.
797
00:37:52,479 --> 00:37:53,685
You were marvelous!
798
00:37:54,606 --> 00:37:55,606
Wow!
799
00:37:58,401 --> 00:38:01,143
Listen, Melvin, we been partners
for two weeks now, right?
800
00:38:01,446 --> 00:38:02,105
Yeah.
801
00:38:02,405 --> 00:38:03,507
And I think if we're gonna work together,
802
00:38:03,531 --> 00:38:04,651
we ought to know each other.
803
00:38:04,741 --> 00:38:05,275
Sure.
804
00:38:05,575 --> 00:38:08,066
I got tons of girlfriends.
805
00:38:08,369 --> 00:38:09,529
You got a lot of girlfriends?
806
00:38:09,788 --> 00:38:10,994
Girls, uh...
807
00:38:12,499 --> 00:38:13,158
You like girls don't you?
808
00:38:13,458 --> 00:38:14,038
Well, yeah, of course I do!
809
00:38:14,334 --> 00:38:16,040
I mean who doesn't.
810
00:38:16,336 --> 00:38:17,336
Name one.
811
00:38:17,587 --> 00:38:19,077
Well, Edith hutton.
812
00:38:22,592 --> 00:38:25,459
Edith hutton? - You know her?
813
00:38:25,762 --> 00:38:27,718
Know her, the entire Navy knows her!
814
00:38:28,681 --> 00:38:29,340
Well, that's nice.
815
00:38:29,641 --> 00:38:31,302
I didn't know she was so patriotic.
816
00:38:31,601 --> 00:38:33,683
Look, when the FBI
looks for fingerprints,
817
00:38:33,978 --> 00:38:36,219
first place they check is her body.
818
00:38:36,523 --> 00:38:40,266
No kidding!
819
00:38:40,568 --> 00:38:44,356
Well, what kind of girls you usually like?
820
00:38:44,656 --> 00:38:45,716
I like girls that are interested
821
00:38:45,740 --> 00:38:46,820
in the same things I am.
822
00:38:47,116 --> 00:38:50,779
Yeah, like what? - Booze and cheap sex.
823
00:38:52,831 --> 00:38:54,016
Let me tell you something, Melvin.
824
00:38:54,040 --> 00:38:58,158
If you're gonna get married,
marry an ugly girl.
825
00:38:58,461 --> 00:38:59,667
Ugly girl, why?
826
00:39:00,922 --> 00:39:02,162
You marry a pretty one,
827
00:39:02,465 --> 00:39:04,547
two weeks later she runs
off with somebody else.
828
00:39:04,843 --> 00:39:06,549
Well, an ugly girl can run away too.
829
00:39:07,554 --> 00:39:09,010
I know, but who gives a shit.
830
00:39:10,139 --> 00:39:11,139
Whoa!
831
00:39:11,266 --> 00:39:12,786
What's your thumb doing on my steak?
832
00:39:12,892 --> 00:39:14,382
I didn't want to drop it again.
833
00:39:16,312 --> 00:39:18,473
Look at this, I can't,
this is a dirty knife.
834
00:39:18,773 --> 00:39:19,773
Let's see.
835
00:39:21,818 --> 00:39:23,183
There you go.
836
00:39:23,486 --> 00:39:24,771
What about my soup?
837
00:39:25,071 --> 00:39:26,356
Oh yeah, soup, shit!
838
00:39:30,118 --> 00:39:31,574
Wow, can you believe this place?
839
00:39:31,870 --> 00:39:33,485
I believe it.
840
00:39:33,788 --> 00:39:35,388
Look here in my coffee, there's a roach.
841
00:39:35,456 --> 00:39:37,617
Hey busboy, look here!
842
00:39:37,917 --> 00:39:39,077
There's a roach in my coffee.
843
00:39:39,252 --> 00:39:41,789
Oh, that's where it went.
844
00:39:42,088 --> 00:39:43,999
Wow, hey thanks man!
845
00:39:47,510 --> 00:39:48,169
Here's your soup.
846
00:39:48,469 --> 00:39:51,336
Now what's your big
thumb doing on my soup?
847
00:39:51,639 --> 00:39:52,344
Got an infection on my thumb.
848
00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:54,380
My doctor told me to keep it warm.
849
00:39:54,684 --> 00:39:56,965
Why don't you take it and
shove that thumb up your ass?
850
00:39:57,228 --> 00:39:59,228
I do that when
I'm back in the kitchen.
851
00:40:03,109 --> 00:40:04,109
IT's not bad.
852
00:40:05,528 --> 00:40:08,270
Calling car 86, car 86 come in.
853
00:40:08,573 --> 00:40:09,688
Yeah, car 86 reporting.
854
00:40:09,991 --> 00:40:12,232
Car 86 go to alley,
back of Blair Avenue.
855
00:40:12,535 --> 00:40:14,116
There's a rape victim in need of help.
856
00:40:14,412 --> 00:40:15,572
Respond, code 69.
857
00:40:16,581 --> 00:40:17,991
Roger, we'll be right there.
858
00:40:21,836 --> 00:40:23,372
What the hell, no tip?
859
00:40:23,671 --> 00:40:24,877
Oh, I'm sorry.
860
00:40:31,888 --> 00:40:33,048
Oh geez. - Get out of here!
861
00:40:33,264 --> 00:40:34,379
Oh no! - C'mon!
862
00:40:35,808 --> 00:40:37,389
There she is, Kent!
863
00:40:37,685 --> 00:40:39,645
Don't worry, dear,
everything's gonna be alright.
864
00:40:39,812 --> 00:40:40,812
We're the police.
865
00:40:41,606 --> 00:40:43,267
Yo, sorry!
866
00:40:45,401 --> 00:40:47,016
Oh officers, it was horrible!
867
00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:49,606
There were three of them
and they wouldn't stop.
868
00:40:49,906 --> 00:40:51,592
Three of them, what
were they gang members?
869
00:40:51,616 --> 00:40:52,901
No, they were women.
870
00:40:53,201 --> 00:40:56,409
But they had these guns
and whips and chains.
871
00:40:56,704 --> 00:40:57,409
What did they make you do?
872
00:40:57,705 --> 00:41:02,119
Well, first they made me
pull out my, pull out my,
873
00:41:03,086 --> 00:41:05,577
my, you know. - Your pee-pee?
874
00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:07,791
Uh-huh.
875
00:41:09,425 --> 00:41:11,006
And then they made me play with it
876
00:41:11,302 --> 00:41:15,136
and pull on it until 1, until I, you know.
877
00:41:15,431 --> 00:41:17,137
Arrived. - Climaxed.
878
00:41:17,433 --> 00:41:19,048
Climaxed. - And then what?
879
00:41:19,352 --> 00:41:21,058
That's all they did?
880
00:41:21,354 --> 00:41:21,888
Is that all?
881
00:41:22,188 --> 00:41:24,053
They made me do it 13 times!
882
00:41:25,692 --> 00:41:27,933
13 times, that's terrible!
883
00:41:28,236 --> 00:41:30,852
The first couple of times were fine, but,
884
00:41:31,155 --> 00:41:34,113
oh my god, I can't even walk anymore!
885
00:41:34,409 --> 00:41:35,990
Strangest rape case I ever heard of.
886
00:41:36,285 --> 00:41:37,695
You recognize any of them?
887
00:41:37,996 --> 00:41:39,782
No I couldn't see a thing.
888
00:41:40,081 --> 00:41:41,767
What do you mean you
couldn't see anything?
889
00:41:41,791 --> 00:41:44,828
Well, see I had been
drinking a little bit early on
890
00:41:45,128 --> 00:41:46,563
and I thought I would just come out here
891
00:41:46,587 --> 00:41:47,747
and sort of sleep things off,
892
00:41:47,964 --> 00:41:49,204
but the light from the lamppost
893
00:41:49,465 --> 00:41:50,465
kept getting in my eyes,
894
00:41:50,591 --> 00:41:53,378
so I just kind of put this
paper bag over my head.
895
00:41:57,265 --> 00:41:58,550
Meat market saloon.
896
00:42:02,729 --> 00:42:04,469
I would like to start off by handing out
897
00:42:04,772 --> 00:42:06,692
some autographed eight by
10 pictures of myself.
898
00:42:06,858 --> 00:42:07,938
Here we go, alright.
899
00:42:09,652 --> 00:42:11,252
Also, got some pictures of me as a baby!
900
00:42:11,320 --> 00:42:12,320
Here we go!
901
00:42:13,156 --> 00:42:14,716
Stop the show, stop the show!
902
00:42:14,741 --> 00:42:16,277
This man's the father of my baby!
903
00:42:17,660 --> 00:42:19,013
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, baby.
904
00:42:19,037 --> 00:42:20,037
You can't prove that!
905
00:42:20,163 --> 00:42:21,323
Oh, yeah?
906
00:42:38,431 --> 00:42:41,798
Mysterious! - Yeah, he's pretty cool too.
907
00:42:42,101 --> 00:42:43,762
Fantastic.
908
00:42:44,062 --> 00:42:45,289
Hey why don't we go to chase's
909
00:42:45,313 --> 00:42:46,723
and have some chili, huh?
910
00:42:47,023 --> 00:42:49,014
She's kinda bad, change her act?
911
00:42:49,317 --> 00:42:50,517
Maybe he has an act.
912
00:42:51,736 --> 00:42:53,977
Who, sue, well hi!
913
00:42:54,280 --> 00:42:55,280
What are you doing here?
914
00:42:56,407 --> 00:42:57,647
Well, I came to see the show.
915
00:42:57,825 --> 00:42:59,486
Wasn't the unknown comic great?
916
00:42:59,786 --> 00:43:00,445
Oh yeah, he was good.
917
00:43:00,745 --> 00:43:02,451
Very good, yeah he was.
918
00:43:02,747 --> 00:43:04,408
Melvin, I didn't see you anywhere.
919
00:43:04,707 --> 00:43:05,321
Where were you?
920
00:43:05,625 --> 00:43:06,159
I was back there.
921
00:43:06,459 --> 00:43:07,665
I was all around the club,
922
00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:10,121
but then I had to come out
here and patrol also.
923
00:43:10,421 --> 00:43:12,066
Melvin, do you think that
maybe the unknown comic
924
00:43:12,090 --> 00:43:14,547
and the bag man are maybe one and the same?
925
00:43:16,094 --> 00:43:17,404
No, in fact I'm sure they're not
926
00:43:17,428 --> 00:43:19,031
because I had a long talk
with the unknown comic
927
00:43:19,055 --> 00:43:20,545
before his show and he can account
928
00:43:20,848 --> 00:43:22,338
for every one of his whereabouts
929
00:43:22,642 --> 00:43:23,911
during the time of the robberies.
930
00:43:23,935 --> 00:43:25,095
Oh, good!
931
00:43:25,394 --> 00:43:27,034
Melvin, I was gonna have a cup of coffee.
932
00:43:27,105 --> 00:43:29,312
You want to maybe come with me?
933
00:43:29,607 --> 00:43:32,349
I'd love to sue, but
IT's a, I'm still on duty
934
00:43:32,652 --> 00:43:35,394
and I have to find Kent, but
sometime we'll get together,
935
00:43:35,696 --> 00:43:38,779
me and you and we'll do our laundry, okay?
936
00:43:39,075 --> 00:43:40,075
Okay.
937
00:43:40,243 --> 00:43:42,154
Alright, I'll see ya.
938
00:43:42,453 --> 00:43:43,943
Bye, Melvin. - Bye!
939
00:43:45,081 --> 00:43:46,761
I hate that guy. - Excuse me, I'm sorry.
940
00:43:46,874 --> 00:43:49,411
Oh, Melvin, listen great show tonight!
941
00:43:49,710 --> 00:43:50,244
Great, great!
942
00:43:50,545 --> 00:43:52,025
Listen, I got three new club bookings
943
00:43:52,171 --> 00:43:53,891
and then something really big in the works.
944
00:43:54,173 --> 00:43:55,859
Melvin, you're gonna have to quit your job.
945
00:43:55,883 --> 00:43:56,998
You're gonna be a big star.
946
00:43:57,301 --> 00:43:58,006
Here's a tape of tonight's show.
947
00:43:58,302 --> 00:43:59,696
Listen to it when you
get a chance, alright?
948
00:43:59,720 --> 00:44:02,507
Why thanks, Kate, what
happened to your face?
949
00:44:02,807 --> 00:44:03,967
That idiot, baroni.
950
00:44:04,267 --> 00:44:05,707
He can't do anything right, nothing!
951
00:44:05,768 --> 00:44:07,884
Oh, I'm sorry. - Yeah.
952
00:44:08,187 --> 00:44:10,394
Kate, how did you know
I was the unknown comic?
953
00:44:10,690 --> 00:44:12,410
Kid, IT's my business to know my clients,
954
00:44:12,650 --> 00:44:13,650
you know what I mean?
955
00:44:13,693 --> 00:44:15,399
See ya around. - All right, bye!
956
00:44:15,695 --> 00:44:17,435
Hey, remember me, Toni baroni?
957
00:44:17,738 --> 00:44:18,773
You wanted a bag?
958
00:44:19,073 --> 00:44:20,073
Here, so I got a bag.
959
00:44:20,324 --> 00:44:22,044
You want jokes, I'll give ya fucking jokes.
960
00:44:22,243 --> 00:44:23,824
Why'd the monkey fall from the tree?
961
00:44:24,120 --> 00:44:25,451
He was fucking dead, right?
962
00:44:25,746 --> 00:44:26,746
I got all kinds.
963
00:44:26,789 --> 00:44:28,370
What do you call a short stick?
964
00:44:28,666 --> 00:44:30,782
Why do you want from me already?
965
00:44:31,085 --> 00:44:33,355
You guys didn't see another
police officer around did ya?
966
00:44:33,379 --> 00:44:34,585
No, I haven't seen anybody.
967
00:44:34,881 --> 00:44:35,881
Kent, come on!
968
00:44:40,136 --> 00:44:41,136
Kent!
969
00:44:47,143 --> 00:44:49,885
Where the hell could he be?
970
00:44:50,188 --> 00:44:51,519
Oh hi, Melvin.
971
00:44:51,814 --> 00:44:54,180
I was just taking a little nap.
972
00:45:00,781 --> 00:45:02,442
Yeah, just taking a nap.
973
00:45:02,742 --> 00:45:04,357
That's it, nap. - Napping.
974
00:45:05,411 --> 00:45:06,411
Yeah, me too.
975
00:45:08,122 --> 00:45:08,781
Taking a nap too.
976
00:45:09,081 --> 00:45:12,573
How can anyone take a nap
with all this funny noise?
977
00:45:16,964 --> 00:45:19,580
So you were a big hit at
the comedy and magic club?
978
00:45:19,884 --> 00:45:21,724
Now your manager has so
many things happening,
979
00:45:21,928 --> 00:45:22,963
you can give up your job.
980
00:45:25,139 --> 00:45:27,300
You're gonna make a pile of money.
981
00:45:27,600 --> 00:45:29,807
And you'll move into Beverly Hills.
982
00:45:30,102 --> 00:45:32,764
Anyplace is better than
the back seat of my car.
983
00:45:33,064 --> 00:45:34,474
It wasn't that great.
984
00:45:34,774 --> 00:45:36,230
Edith didn't show.
985
00:45:36,525 --> 00:45:37,920
And you'll never guess what happened.
986
00:45:37,944 --> 00:45:39,624
You found out Edith's allergic to paper.
987
00:45:39,862 --> 00:45:41,568
No, after the show we got this call
988
00:45:41,864 --> 00:45:43,354
to investigate a peeping Tom.
989
00:45:44,909 --> 00:45:47,525
Hubba, hubba, hubba, hubba.
990
00:45:47,828 --> 00:45:49,193
So we snuck up on the culprit
991
00:45:49,497 --> 00:45:51,362
and beat the crap out of the fat slob.
992
00:45:53,668 --> 00:45:57,081
You see, US police are
expertly trained in kung fu.
993
00:46:03,844 --> 00:46:04,844
Owl!
994
00:46:16,816 --> 00:46:19,273
Anything you say can and
will be held against you.
995
00:46:19,568 --> 00:46:22,776
Liz Taylor, Michael
Jackson, Richard Simmons.
996
00:46:23,072 --> 00:46:23,606
Shit!
997
00:46:23,906 --> 00:46:26,272
How about boy George?
998
00:46:26,575 --> 00:46:27,155
Go check on the girl.
999
00:46:27,451 --> 00:46:28,736
I'll take care of this guy.
1000
00:46:29,036 --> 00:46:32,153
Are you really the police? - Yes, I am.
1001
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:35,198
Okay, but you just can't be too sure.
1002
00:46:35,501 --> 00:46:36,501
Edith!
1003
00:46:36,669 --> 00:46:38,349
Well, how did you know my name is Edith?
1004
00:46:38,629 --> 00:46:39,629
We never met before.
1005
00:46:39,839 --> 00:46:42,876
You see, my sister's name is Edith
1006
00:46:45,970 --> 00:46:49,883
you have no
idea how terrified I was.
1007
00:46:50,182 --> 00:46:51,182
It was awful!
1008
00:46:54,603 --> 00:46:57,686
He just kept staring at
me through that window.
1009
00:46:57,982 --> 00:47:00,098
This window here. - Yes.
1010
00:47:00,401 --> 00:47:03,518
Did he see anything? - He saw everything.
1011
00:47:03,821 --> 00:47:06,733
Can you describe exactly what happened?
1012
00:47:09,910 --> 00:47:11,138
Well, I was getting ready for bed.
1013
00:47:11,162 --> 00:47:12,402
I was really tired.
1014
00:47:13,706 --> 00:47:15,321
I started to take off my bathrobe.
1015
00:47:16,792 --> 00:47:18,373
Uh, robe.
1016
00:47:23,716 --> 00:47:25,923
And then I took my stockings off.
1017
00:47:29,305 --> 00:47:32,012
Oh, and then I remembered I
couldn't wait to get my bra off.
1018
00:47:32,308 --> 00:47:34,765
Oh, feels so good!
1019
00:47:37,980 --> 00:47:40,187
God, I have nice tits! - Oh my!
1020
00:47:40,483 --> 00:47:43,190
Then I got up to take these off.
1021
00:47:43,486 --> 00:47:46,228
That's when I noticed him, that pervert!
1022
00:47:46,530 --> 00:47:49,772
Staring at me through the
window with those binoculars.
1023
00:47:50,076 --> 00:47:51,441
Yeah, well what did he do next?
1024
00:47:51,744 --> 00:47:54,907
I mean can you identify these
here as being the binoculars
1025
00:47:55,206 --> 00:47:57,037
that the pervert was using?
1026
00:47:57,333 --> 00:47:57,867
Yeah, I'm sure.
1027
00:47:58,167 --> 00:48:01,079
These are them, okay, okay, fine.
1028
00:48:02,004 --> 00:48:03,835
God, it makes me so angry!
1029
00:48:04,840 --> 00:48:07,331
Well, you're beautiful when you're angry.
1030
00:48:07,635 --> 00:48:09,796
God, I don't understand you men.
1031
00:48:10,096 --> 00:48:11,882
It just makes me want to puke!
1032
00:48:12,181 --> 00:48:14,763
Yeah, well, what kind of men do you like?
1033
00:48:15,059 --> 00:48:18,176
- Are you getting this down?
- Yes, took off robe.
1034
00:48:19,188 --> 00:48:20,668
Well, I'm dating a nightclub owner.
1035
00:48:20,815 --> 00:48:21,895
His name is Tex.
1036
00:48:23,067 --> 00:48:25,433
Tex, you're dating Tex?
1037
00:48:25,736 --> 00:48:26,736
You know Tex?
1038
00:48:26,987 --> 00:48:29,603
No, my brother's name is Tex.
1039
00:48:29,907 --> 00:48:30,521
Well, he's a nice guy.
1040
00:48:30,825 --> 00:48:33,316
He buys nice things, takes me nice places.
1041
00:48:33,619 --> 00:48:35,575
Do you know who I'm really mad about?
1042
00:48:35,871 --> 00:48:36,871
No, who?
1043
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:39,826
The unknown comic.
1044
00:48:40,126 --> 00:48:41,126
He's hot!
1045
00:48:41,252 --> 00:48:43,994
He makes me horny because
he's gonna be rich.
1046
00:48:44,296 --> 00:48:46,878
Oh, does he like you?
1047
00:48:47,174 --> 00:48:48,584
Of course he does, who wouldn't?
1048
00:48:48,884 --> 00:48:51,296
And as soon as I can figure
out what to do with Tex,
1049
00:48:51,595 --> 00:48:53,506
the unknown comic will be all mine!
1050
00:48:54,849 --> 00:48:58,762
Well, does Tex know that
you know the unknown comic?
1051
00:48:59,061 --> 00:49:00,061
Sure, he does.
1052
00:49:00,229 --> 00:49:02,349
He even bet me a diamond
bracelet I couldn't find out
1053
00:49:02,606 --> 00:49:04,187
what was under that bag.
1054
00:49:04,483 --> 00:49:07,691
But I'm gonna find out what's
under that bag and that bag.
1055
00:49:07,987 --> 00:49:08,521
Owl!
1056
00:49:08,821 --> 00:49:10,436
No matter what I have to do.
1057
00:49:13,951 --> 00:49:16,408
Oh!
1058
00:49:17,413 --> 00:49:18,413
Let go of Mel!
1059
00:49:18,706 --> 00:49:19,986
I'm gonna kick you in the balls!
1060
00:49:20,082 --> 00:49:21,560
Who do you think you're dealing with?
1061
00:49:21,584 --> 00:49:22,118
Let go of Mel
1062
00:49:22,418 --> 00:49:23,032
I want a lawyer!
1063
00:49:23,335 --> 00:49:24,666
I want him now! - Let's go!
1064
00:49:24,962 --> 00:49:25,496
I've got rights! - Come on!
1065
00:49:25,796 --> 00:49:27,836
You don't know who I am,
I'm a famous movie star!
1066
00:49:28,048 --> 00:49:30,710
Hey, great buns! - I've seen better.
1067
00:49:31,010 --> 00:49:32,591
Get off me! - Let's go!
1068
00:49:32,887 --> 00:49:34,156
I've got rights, let go of me!
1069
00:49:34,180 --> 00:49:36,421
I'll file a report, you book the pervert.
1070
00:49:36,724 --> 00:49:37,258
Alright, Kent.
1071
00:49:37,558 --> 00:49:38,618
Hey, Melvin, what are
you bringing him in for?
1072
00:49:38,642 --> 00:49:39,176
409.
1073
00:49:39,477 --> 00:49:41,513
Shame on you, peeking
through windows like that!
1074
00:49:41,812 --> 00:49:42,812
See anything good?
1075
00:49:42,855 --> 00:49:43,855
I've seen better.
1076
00:49:43,898 --> 00:49:44,557
You wouldn't believe what this slime did.
1077
00:49:44,857 --> 00:49:46,939
Stabbed his own mother
with a barbecue fork.
1078
00:49:47,234 --> 00:49:49,004
Then I tried to put the
cuffs on him, he socks me.
1079
00:49:49,028 --> 00:49:50,428
So I booked him on a 504 and a 316.
1080
00:49:50,571 --> 00:49:51,105
What's that?
1081
00:49:51,405 --> 00:49:52,861
Cop socking and mother forking.
1082
00:49:54,325 --> 00:49:56,303
Hey, margowitz, what are you
bringing your guy in for?
1083
00:49:56,327 --> 00:49:57,737
604. - What's that?
1084
00:49:58,037 --> 00:50:01,120
Armed robbery. - Yo, geez.
1085
00:50:02,166 --> 00:50:03,872
Randy, got another cat burglar, huh?
1086
00:50:10,591 --> 00:50:14,459
Stop or I'll shoot!
1087
00:50:14,762 --> 00:50:16,252
Why did they keep my shoelaces?
1088
00:50:16,555 --> 00:50:17,949
Common procedure when you're booked.
1089
00:50:17,973 --> 00:50:19,588
We don't want anyone hanging themselves.
1090
00:50:19,892 --> 00:50:21,883
Booked, you're not going
to put me in a cell
1091
00:50:22,186 --> 00:50:24,973
with one of those hardened and
dangerous criminals are you?
1092
00:50:25,272 --> 00:50:25,806
Don't worry about that.
1093
00:50:26,106 --> 00:50:27,687
We'll find you a safe cell.
1094
00:50:27,983 --> 00:50:30,019
Hey, what are you in here for?
1095
00:50:30,319 --> 00:50:33,811
Just because I killed myself
aberrant, a degenerate!
1096
00:50:36,158 --> 00:50:38,991
I killed three of them before they cut me.
1097
00:50:39,286 --> 00:50:41,447
I got one and I broke his fingers
1098
00:50:41,747 --> 00:50:43,027
and squashed his head in a vice.
1099
00:50:43,207 --> 00:50:45,914
And the second one, I got
a three pound chicken
1100
00:50:46,210 --> 00:50:48,041
and I stuffed it in his...
1101
00:50:49,088 --> 00:50:52,501
When I get out of here,
I'm gonna do something!
1102
00:50:52,800 --> 00:50:54,736
Maybe we better
find you another cell.
1103
00:50:54,760 --> 00:50:55,294
Why?
1104
00:50:55,594 --> 00:50:57,004
I like him, he was nice.
1105
00:50:59,306 --> 00:51:00,951
Alright, you guys,
this here's a peeping Tom.
1106
00:51:00,975 --> 00:51:02,931
Any of you guys object
to that sort of a crime?
1107
00:51:03,227 --> 00:51:03,932
Hell, no.
1108
00:51:04,228 --> 00:51:05,988
Looks like you needed
the excitement, huh?
1109
00:51:06,146 --> 00:51:07,602
See. - Yeah, they got me in here
1110
00:51:07,898 --> 00:51:09,889
for having sex with a girl under 18.
1111
00:51:10,192 --> 00:51:11,773
There's nothing wrong with that.
1112
00:51:12,069 --> 00:51:13,184
Is there guys?
1113
00:51:13,487 --> 00:51:14,021
No, there's nothing like
1114
00:51:14,321 --> 00:51:16,653
a couple of 13 year olds to play with.
1115
00:51:16,949 --> 00:51:20,282
I'm in here for exposing
myself in the park.
1116
00:51:21,453 --> 00:51:24,490
There's nothing wrong with
that, is there fellas?
1117
00:51:24,790 --> 00:51:25,324
Hell, no.
1118
00:51:25,624 --> 00:51:27,239
You were just giving them a treat.
1119
00:51:27,543 --> 00:51:28,828
Sounds like fun to me.
1120
00:51:29,128 --> 00:51:31,494
They got me here for doing porno films.
1121
00:51:31,797 --> 00:51:33,913
Now, ya'll would like to do
porno films wouldn't ya?
1122
00:51:34,216 --> 00:51:37,253
We'd all like to be free
enough to do porno films.
1123
00:51:37,553 --> 00:51:38,793
Can I get his autograph?
1124
00:51:39,096 --> 00:51:40,927
As long as you're all
letting it hang out,
1125
00:51:41,223 --> 00:51:43,589
when I was a kid I'd go
to the fields, you know,
1126
00:51:43,892 --> 00:51:47,100
and I'd make it with a sheep.
1127
00:51:51,275 --> 00:51:53,766
Aw, man that's sick! - Hey, you're sick!
1128
00:51:54,069 --> 00:51:55,605
That's sick, you got a problem man!
1129
00:51:56,655 --> 00:51:57,895
I guess everybody's done that
1130
00:51:57,948 --> 00:51:59,279
at one time or another, right?
1131
00:51:59,575 --> 00:52:02,191
Just get out, man! - You're horrible!
1132
00:52:02,494 --> 00:52:07,284
Get out of here!
1133
00:52:10,252 --> 00:52:12,288
I booked you in Vegas a week from Friday.
1134
00:52:13,756 --> 00:52:14,756
Vegas?
1135
00:52:14,965 --> 00:52:16,000
Well, that's great, Kate!
1136
00:52:17,843 --> 00:52:20,755
But wait, I still have two
weeks left on my police job.
1137
00:52:21,930 --> 00:52:23,330
No, I booked you on your day off.
1138
00:52:23,599 --> 00:52:24,639
IT's just a one night gig.
1139
00:52:24,725 --> 00:52:26,411
You know, they want to see
how you do in the big room.
1140
00:52:26,435 --> 00:52:28,246
They're not sure a guy
with a bag over his head
1141
00:52:28,270 --> 00:52:29,270
can pull it off.
1142
00:52:29,897 --> 00:52:31,057
What do you think?
1143
00:52:31,357 --> 00:52:32,563
You think we can pull it off?
1144
00:52:33,567 --> 00:52:34,647
Pull it off?
1145
00:52:34,943 --> 00:52:37,229
I've hired a choreographer,
conductor, singers, dancers,
1146
00:52:37,529 --> 00:52:39,690
everything, I mean this is the big time!
1147
00:52:39,990 --> 00:52:40,604
This is great!
1148
00:52:40,908 --> 00:52:42,114
This is too good to be true!
1149
00:52:42,409 --> 00:52:43,409
Thanks, Kate.
1150
00:52:43,619 --> 00:52:44,324
Bye!
1151
00:52:44,620 --> 00:52:45,620
Bye, kid!
1152
00:52:49,375 --> 00:52:50,865
Melvin, is it true?
1153
00:52:51,168 --> 00:52:51,702
Is what true?
1154
00:52:52,002 --> 00:52:54,038
Captain Lewis got a phone call earlier
1155
00:52:54,338 --> 00:52:55,669
linking you with the bag man!
1156
00:52:55,964 --> 00:52:58,706
I overheard him saying he was
gonna inspect your locker.
1157
00:52:59,009 --> 00:53:00,499
So I rushed over there first.
1158
00:53:00,803 --> 00:53:03,169
Melvin, I found over 50 paper bags!
1159
00:53:06,392 --> 00:53:07,848
I put them in my desk.
1160
00:53:08,143 --> 00:53:09,579
Well, that's what happened to them!
1161
00:53:09,603 --> 00:53:12,219
You know, I was wondering
what happened to those bags.
1162
00:53:12,523 --> 00:53:13,750
See, I've been collecting those bags
1163
00:53:13,774 --> 00:53:15,435
as evidence against the bag man.
1164
00:53:15,734 --> 00:53:18,350
I am this close to breaking that case.
1165
00:53:18,654 --> 00:53:20,144
I know you're such a good person.
1166
00:53:20,447 --> 00:53:21,857
You wouldn't hurt a fly.
1167
00:53:25,494 --> 00:53:26,574
Well, you're a good person.
1168
00:53:26,704 --> 00:53:28,615
Of course I am and
you've got good instincts.
1169
00:53:28,914 --> 00:53:30,199
You gotta believe in them.
1170
00:53:30,499 --> 00:53:31,739
'Cause I am a good person.
1171
00:53:32,042 --> 00:53:33,953
I am honest. - I believe you.
1172
00:53:35,045 --> 00:53:36,160
You're a good guy, sue.
1173
00:53:36,463 --> 00:53:38,954
Sometime we oughta go somewhere
and just have some fun.
1174
00:53:39,258 --> 00:53:39,838
Yeah?
1175
00:53:40,134 --> 00:53:43,467
Yeah, maybe we could go to
my apartment and vacuum it.
1176
00:53:43,762 --> 00:53:45,468
Oh, that sounds great!
1177
00:53:45,764 --> 00:53:46,298
Yeah.
1178
00:53:46,598 --> 00:53:47,867
Hey listen, next week is my birthday
1179
00:53:47,891 --> 00:53:49,251
and I heard that the unknown comic
1180
00:53:49,435 --> 00:53:50,715
is gonna be playing in Las Vegas
1181
00:53:50,811 --> 00:53:52,802
so as a treat to myself I
was gonna go down there
1182
00:53:53,105 --> 00:53:55,471
and being that I make out your schedule,
1183
00:53:55,774 --> 00:53:57,310
I know you're not working next Friday
1184
00:53:57,609 --> 00:53:59,645
so maybe you'd like to join me?
1185
00:53:59,945 --> 00:54:00,604
No, you see I couldn't.
1186
00:54:00,904 --> 00:54:02,485
You see, well to tell you the truth,
1187
00:54:02,781 --> 00:54:05,113
I'm sort of seeing someone else.
1188
00:54:05,409 --> 00:54:06,409
She's a knockout too.
1189
00:54:06,618 --> 00:54:08,825
Her name is Edith.
1190
00:54:09,121 --> 00:54:10,486
She's got long, blond hair,
1191
00:54:10,789 --> 00:54:12,509
you know and sometime maybe the three of US
1192
00:54:12,708 --> 00:54:13,708
we can go bowling.
1193
00:54:13,917 --> 00:54:14,917
Who am I kidding?
1194
00:54:15,169 --> 00:54:15,828
She's not the bowling type.
1195
00:54:16,128 --> 00:54:17,459
She's not a buddy like you are.
1196
00:54:19,089 --> 00:54:20,409
We'll get together sometime soon.
1197
00:54:20,549 --> 00:54:22,549
We'll go out somewhere just
the three of US, okay?
1198
00:54:22,634 --> 00:54:23,749
I'll see ya later.
1199
00:54:28,849 --> 00:54:29,929
Yes, I'm tense.
1200
00:54:30,225 --> 00:54:31,305
Of course I'm tense.
1201
00:54:31,602 --> 00:54:33,217
Tonight's my big night in Vegas.
1202
00:54:33,520 --> 00:54:35,727
I hope that bag man
doesn't Rob another bar.
1203
00:54:36,023 --> 00:54:37,433
Everybody thinks IT's me.
1204
00:54:37,733 --> 00:54:39,098
I'm not even sure IT's not Mel
1205
00:54:39,401 --> 00:54:40,686
do you think IT's me?
1206
00:54:40,986 --> 00:54:42,396
Do you think I'm crazy?
1207
00:54:42,696 --> 00:54:44,186
Am I schizophrenic?
1208
00:54:44,490 --> 00:54:45,770
Help me, doc, you gotta help me!
1209
00:54:45,949 --> 00:54:46,949
What do you think?
1210
00:54:49,953 --> 00:54:52,569
I think we came over on different ships,
1211
00:54:52,873 --> 00:54:54,909
but we're in the same boat now.
1212
00:54:55,209 --> 00:54:57,040
I don't understand, doc. - Never mind.
1213
00:54:58,921 --> 00:55:00,832
Have a great time in Vegas.
1214
00:55:01,131 --> 00:55:02,496
IT's a great Marquis, Kate.
1215
00:55:02,800 --> 00:55:03,915
I don't believe it.
1216
00:55:04,218 --> 00:55:04,832
They forgot my name.
1217
00:55:05,135 --> 00:55:06,750
You have me to thank for everything.
1218
00:55:07,054 --> 00:55:09,511
Oh, and don't forget the
party in the suite tomorrow.
1219
00:55:09,807 --> 00:55:11,593
Yeah, but where's my name?
1220
00:55:11,892 --> 00:55:13,177
I don't see my name up there.
1221
00:55:13,477 --> 00:55:14,808
Where's my name?
1222
00:55:35,332 --> 00:55:39,621
Ladies and
gentlemen, the unknown comic.
1223
00:55:48,470 --> 00:55:50,927
All right, keep that applause
going for the baguettes,
1224
00:55:51,223 --> 00:55:52,759
ladies and gentlemen!
1225
00:55:54,643 --> 00:55:55,763
My first night in Las Vegas.
1226
00:55:56,019 --> 00:55:59,682
Already I got 14 girls in
the sack with me, right?
1227
00:56:00,732 --> 00:56:02,669
I'd like to introduce my
parents in the audience.
1228
00:56:02,693 --> 00:56:05,309
All the way from Sacramento, Mr.
and Mrs. Bagovich.
1229
00:56:06,446 --> 00:56:07,936
Ma and pa bagovich!
1230
00:56:09,533 --> 00:56:11,273
And also in the audience,
1231
00:56:11,577 --> 00:56:13,297
they just flew in all the way from Baghdad,
1232
00:56:13,453 --> 00:56:15,068
my grandparents, grandma and grandpa.
1233
00:56:15,372 --> 00:56:15,906
Stand up and take a bow.
1234
00:56:16,206 --> 00:56:17,686
There they are, ladies and gentlemen.
1235
00:56:17,875 --> 00:56:19,206
Grandma and grandpa!
1236
00:56:22,129 --> 00:56:22,788
You don't know me, do you?
1237
00:56:23,088 --> 00:56:24,168
That's why I carry this.
1238
00:56:26,174 --> 00:56:27,610
That's right, my American express card.
1239
00:56:27,634 --> 00:56:28,987
Gets me into any restaurant in the country.
1240
00:56:29,011 --> 00:56:30,572
I just go at three in the
morning after they've closed
1241
00:56:30,596 --> 00:56:32,632
and stick it in between
the door and the lock.
1242
00:56:35,017 --> 00:56:36,177
How are the new dolls?
1243
00:56:36,476 --> 00:56:38,683
Terrific, absolutely terrific!
1244
00:56:38,979 --> 00:56:41,095
There he is, you're funny.
Oh, thanks bud.
1245
00:56:41,398 --> 00:56:43,209
We had a meeting with the board
of directors this morning
1246
00:56:43,233 --> 00:56:45,895
and I'd like to offer you a
contract with the hotel.
1247
00:56:46,194 --> 00:56:48,047
You know it all started
when I was a little kid.
1248
00:56:48,071 --> 00:56:49,231
I always wanted to be funny.
1249
00:56:50,282 --> 00:56:52,614
You're not making my job any easier!
1250
00:56:52,910 --> 00:56:54,741
Why don't you go talk to the press people
1251
00:56:55,037 --> 00:56:57,244
and I'll explain to Mr.
Egglash you're booked solid
1252
00:56:57,539 --> 00:56:58,949
and you need a lot of money.
1253
00:56:59,249 --> 00:57:00,989
Alright, nice meeting you mister.
1254
00:57:01,293 --> 00:57:02,478
Yes, it was nice to meet you.
1255
00:57:02,502 --> 00:57:03,617
You too, bye-bye.
1256
00:57:03,921 --> 00:57:05,121
Can I get an interview here?
1257
00:57:05,172 --> 00:57:05,786
Just one minute.
1258
00:57:06,089 --> 00:57:07,209
You have any money on you?
1259
00:57:07,382 --> 00:57:09,213
Do you have any plans to do a movie?
1260
00:57:09,509 --> 00:57:11,625
Yeah, I'd love to do a
porno movie, you kidding?
1261
00:57:11,929 --> 00:57:13,169
Hello. - Edith!
1262
00:57:13,472 --> 00:57:16,179
Well, I thought your show
was dynamite last night.
1263
00:57:16,475 --> 00:57:19,091
I want you to know, I
know about you and Tex.
1264
00:57:20,938 --> 00:57:22,332
Well, then I guess I better tell you,
1265
00:57:22,356 --> 00:57:25,393
you see Tex is in deep shit with the IRS.
1266
00:57:25,692 --> 00:57:26,920
He feels you're the only
one that can help him.
1267
00:57:26,944 --> 00:57:29,651
He wants you to do a benefit
performance at the club.
1268
00:57:29,947 --> 00:57:30,481
Yeah?
1269
00:57:30,781 --> 00:57:33,272
Why don't you take that bag
off when I'm talking to you?
1270
00:57:34,576 --> 00:57:36,737
Anyway, I've been waiting so long
1271
00:57:37,037 --> 00:57:39,574
for you and I to be together, haven't you?
1272
00:57:41,792 --> 00:57:44,329
Aren't you worried Tex
will find out about US?
1273
00:57:44,628 --> 00:57:46,619
Well, he never found
out about the others.
1274
00:57:46,922 --> 00:57:48,583
Mmm, oh shit!
1275
00:57:48,882 --> 00:57:50,543
Goddamn fucking glass!
1276
00:57:50,842 --> 00:57:52,332
My dress is all wet!
1277
00:57:52,636 --> 00:57:54,836
Give me a hand here will ya
before I rip your sack off!
1278
00:57:55,055 --> 00:57:56,886
No. - Make me want to puke!
1279
00:58:04,147 --> 00:58:05,432
Excuse me, Mr. Unknown comic,
1280
00:58:05,732 --> 00:58:06,751
I saw your show last night.
1281
00:58:06,775 --> 00:58:07,775
It was really terrific.
1282
00:58:07,985 --> 00:58:09,420
Could I get your autograph? - Of course.
1283
00:58:09,444 --> 00:58:11,856
Excuse me, you're interrupting US!
1284
00:58:12,155 --> 00:58:14,155
Why don't you take your
tits and ass and get lost!
1285
00:58:14,324 --> 00:58:14,858
I'm sorry.
1286
00:58:15,158 --> 00:58:15,817
I didn't mean to interrupt anything.
1287
00:58:16,118 --> 00:58:17,983
IT's okay, she's just a fan.
1288
00:58:18,286 --> 00:58:19,286
Hey!
1289
00:58:19,413 --> 00:58:20,893
I thought we had something going here
1290
00:58:20,956 --> 00:58:22,742
until this dumb bitch showed up.
1291
00:58:23,041 --> 00:58:23,575
Uh-oh.
1292
00:58:23,875 --> 00:58:24,995
You can talk about my tits
1293
00:58:25,168 --> 00:58:26,749
and you can talk about my ass.
1294
00:58:27,045 --> 00:58:30,458
Oh no. - But don't ever call me dumb!
1295
00:58:32,634 --> 00:58:36,752
Oh.
1296
00:58:37,055 --> 00:58:38,670
Hey, I hope you can swim.
1297
00:58:38,974 --> 00:58:41,886
- I apologize!
- You should be a stunt woman.
1298
00:58:47,899 --> 00:58:49,685
Help! - I'll save you?
1299
00:58:51,486 --> 00:58:53,647
Get the fuck out of here!
1300
00:58:54,614 --> 00:58:55,979
You really showed her.
1301
00:58:56,283 --> 00:58:57,989
I love that dress you're wearing.
1302
00:58:58,285 --> 00:58:58,944
Oh, that's nice.
1303
00:58:59,244 --> 00:59:00,888
I never knew
you had such big tits.
1304
00:59:00,912 --> 00:59:02,306
Well, I think you're really terrific,
1305
00:59:02,330 --> 00:59:03,740
but I have a boyfriend, although,
1306
00:59:04,041 --> 00:59:05,781
he doesn't seem to know I exist.
1307
00:59:06,084 --> 00:59:07,404
What an idiot this guy must be.
1308
00:59:07,586 --> 00:59:10,328
Well, his name is Melvin
and by the way I'm sue.
1309
00:59:10,630 --> 00:59:12,590
Do you think you can make
that out to both of US,
1310
00:59:17,095 --> 00:59:18,960
I hope that you're not mad at me
1311
00:59:19,264 --> 00:59:20,908
and I'm really sorry about your girlfriend.
1312
00:59:20,932 --> 00:59:23,048
Oh no, IT's alright.
1313
00:59:23,351 --> 00:59:24,351
Oh, Edith. - Edith!
1314
00:59:25,437 --> 00:59:27,718
Do me a favor and
set up a benefit performance
1315
00:59:27,773 --> 00:59:28,808
at Tex's comedy club?
1316
00:59:29,107 --> 00:59:29,641
Alright, alright!
1317
00:59:29,941 --> 00:59:30,521
But I want to tell you something.
1318
00:59:30,817 --> 00:59:32,378
The bag man just committed another robbery
1319
00:59:32,402 --> 00:59:33,562
and you're the prime suspect!
1320
00:59:33,653 --> 00:59:34,267
That's right!
1321
00:59:34,571 --> 00:59:36,653
You sure are bag face!
1322
00:59:36,948 --> 00:59:38,009
But I assured the captain
1323
00:59:38,033 --> 00:59:40,524
that you were with me
during the robberies, okay?
1324
00:59:40,827 --> 00:59:42,547
And the captain and I are gonna have dinner
1325
00:59:42,621 --> 00:59:43,736
tonight and discuss it.
1326
00:59:44,664 --> 00:59:46,871
So tell me, captain, how
long have you secretly
1327
00:59:47,167 --> 00:59:49,408
been the head of the FBI and the CIA?
1328
00:59:51,338 --> 00:59:53,058
Calling all cars, calling all cars.
1329
00:59:53,215 --> 00:59:54,671
Be on the lookout for the bag man.
1330
00:59:54,966 --> 00:59:57,127
The captain received another anonymous tip
1331
00:59:57,427 --> 00:59:58,758
reporting him in our precinct.
1332
00:59:59,054 --> 01:00:00,089
Be on the alert.
1333
01:00:01,640 --> 01:00:03,972
If we're sent to the unknown
comic benefit show tonight,
1334
01:00:04,267 --> 01:00:06,067
you don't mind if I wait
outside again do ya?
1335
01:00:06,269 --> 01:00:07,509
Oh no, no problem.
1336
01:00:07,813 --> 01:00:08,973
Go right ahead. - Great.
1337
01:00:09,272 --> 01:00:11,479
Car 86, report to 714 conch street.
1338
01:00:11,775 --> 01:00:13,311
Transvestite disturbing the peace.
1339
01:00:13,610 --> 01:00:14,610
10-4. - Here we go.
1340
01:00:20,325 --> 01:00:23,909
Oh yeah, baby,
baby, right on me!
1341
01:00:24,830 --> 01:00:26,240
Baby, sit on me!
1342
01:00:26,540 --> 01:00:28,576
Shoot me, shoot me!
1343
01:00:34,047 --> 01:00:36,538
Boy, people are really
strange this time of night.
1344
01:00:36,842 --> 01:00:37,902
No, they're not! - Yeah, they are.
1345
01:00:37,926 --> 01:00:39,028
No, they're not! - Yeah they are.
1346
01:00:39,052 --> 01:00:40,071
No, they're not! - Yeah, they are.
1347
01:00:40,095 --> 01:00:41,175
Not! - Hey man,
1348
01:00:42,973 --> 01:00:45,840
car 86, report to 917 oshgo Avenue.
1349
01:00:46,143 --> 01:00:48,555
Dope deal in progress, report armed.
1350
01:00:48,854 --> 01:00:50,594
Suspects are armed and dangerous.
1351
01:00:50,897 --> 01:00:52,808
Repeat, armed and dangerous.
1352
01:00:53,108 --> 01:00:54,564
Melvin, be careful!
1353
01:00:54,860 --> 01:00:56,350
They're armed and dangerous!
1354
01:01:11,168 --> 01:01:13,750
Alright, everybody, this is a bust!
1355
01:01:14,045 --> 01:01:16,752
No, this is a bust. - Oh, she's right.
1356
01:01:17,048 --> 01:01:18,408
What you got in your hand there?
1357
01:01:18,466 --> 01:01:19,831
IT's a joint!
1358
01:01:20,135 --> 01:01:21,375
No, babe, this is a joint.
1359
01:01:21,678 --> 01:01:23,885
Let me see if that's in order.
1360
01:01:24,181 --> 01:01:24,715
That marijuana?
1361
01:01:25,015 --> 01:01:26,075
I've never tried this before.
1362
01:01:26,099 --> 01:01:28,135
Pull it in man. - Ooh, ooh.
1363
01:01:29,227 --> 01:01:31,969
Ooh, is that the marijuana you think?
1364
01:01:32,272 --> 01:01:34,604
I don't know man, could be.
1365
01:01:34,900 --> 01:01:37,357
Oh, suck on it. - Flavor to it.
1366
01:01:39,696 --> 01:01:41,527
IT's making me cough!
1367
01:01:42,824 --> 01:01:45,657
Feels interesting. - Oh, I'm horny!
1368
01:01:48,038 --> 01:01:50,029
Oh I don't feel anything, do you?
1369
01:01:50,332 --> 01:01:52,197
Well I feel all right.
1370
01:01:52,500 --> 01:01:54,365
Holy cow, oh, no offense.
1371
01:01:55,670 --> 01:01:58,707
Ooh, ooh, ooh, oh you got a beard!
1372
01:01:59,007 --> 01:02:00,127
I didn't even see the beard!
1373
01:02:00,258 --> 01:02:00,872
Did you see that!
1374
01:02:01,176 --> 01:02:02,616
I've never seen it either!
1375
01:02:02,677 --> 01:02:04,133
He's got no hair on his chest.
1376
01:02:04,429 --> 01:02:06,189
I don't feel a thing,
to tell you the truth.
1377
01:02:06,431 --> 01:02:09,844
Except maybe a little hungry.
1378
01:02:10,143 --> 01:02:12,134
Oh yeah look at this!
1379
01:02:12,437 --> 01:02:13,437
Oh wow!
1380
01:02:44,761 --> 01:02:47,002
10 for a dollar!
1381
01:02:47,305 --> 01:02:49,341
Melvin, Melvin come in!
1382
01:02:49,641 --> 01:02:50,660
Are you okay? - How many do you want?
1383
01:02:50,684 --> 01:02:52,515
I'll take whatever you got.
1384
01:02:52,811 --> 01:02:54,267
Sue, sue, come in sue!
1385
01:02:54,562 --> 01:02:56,268
Sue, one Adam 12!
1386
01:02:57,983 --> 01:02:58,642
Hey these things,
1387
01:02:58,942 --> 01:03:01,433
these razors they'll
give you a close shave.
1388
01:03:01,736 --> 01:03:02,838
You want a close shave,
1389
01:03:02,862 --> 01:03:03,982
I'll give you a close shave!
1390
01:03:04,114 --> 01:03:06,856
Listen you clowns, I just
received another anonymous tip
1391
01:03:07,158 --> 01:03:09,194
that the next bar to be
robbed by this bag man
1392
01:03:09,494 --> 01:03:12,611
is Leroy a go-go, a black
club over on carver.
1393
01:03:12,914 --> 01:03:15,030
You guys are gonna report
as undercover policemen.
1394
01:03:15,333 --> 01:03:17,073
Undercover? - Yes, undercover!
1395
01:03:17,377 --> 01:03:18,913
When do we report? - Right now!
1396
01:03:19,212 --> 01:03:19,792
You don't have much time!
1397
01:03:20,088 --> 01:03:22,830
10-4, 10-4, captain and Roger and out.
1398
01:03:23,133 --> 01:03:23,667
Okay, bye!
1399
01:03:23,967 --> 01:03:26,195
Yeah and one more
thing, today is my birthday!
1400
01:03:26,219 --> 01:03:28,926
Oh, but captain your
birthday was last month!
1401
01:03:29,222 --> 01:03:30,742
Are you calling me a liar?
1402
01:04:04,507 --> 01:04:06,147
Why, that was really nice of those guys
1403
01:04:06,426 --> 01:04:09,338
to switch outfits with US, wasn't it?
1404
01:04:09,637 --> 01:04:12,549
Yeah, you didn't forget to
bring your weapon did you?
1405
01:04:12,849 --> 01:04:13,508
Forget my weapon?
1406
01:04:13,808 --> 01:04:17,141
No, no, I traded it for this radio!
1407
01:04:38,708 --> 01:04:40,915
Be cool, be cool man.
1408
01:04:58,478 --> 01:04:59,558
Pardon me, gentlemen.
1409
01:04:59,854 --> 01:05:01,435
Do you have reservations?
1410
01:05:01,731 --> 01:05:03,471
We're undercover, police.
1411
01:05:05,151 --> 01:05:08,393
Well, okay just don't
cause any commotion.
1412
01:05:09,697 --> 01:05:11,217
Blend in, we don't want to be noticed.
1413
01:05:11,241 --> 01:05:15,985
Right.
1414
01:05:18,998 --> 01:05:20,579
I feel good, I feel good!
1415
01:05:20,875 --> 01:05:22,395
Give me five brother, give
me five, let me get five!
1416
01:05:22,419 --> 01:05:23,750
Hey what's happening momma!
1417
01:05:24,045 --> 01:05:25,356
I feel good tonight, feel real good.
1418
01:05:25,380 --> 01:05:26,916
Look bad, but I feel good.
1419
01:05:27,215 --> 01:05:27,795
I can dig it, you can dig it.
1420
01:05:28,091 --> 01:05:29,091
Can you dig it?
1421
01:05:29,175 --> 01:05:30,175
Maybe not.
1422
01:05:30,385 --> 01:05:31,500
Hey, bro, what's happening?
1423
01:05:32,846 --> 01:05:34,928
I beg your pardon sir.
1424
01:05:35,223 --> 01:05:36,884
Are you speaking to me?
1425
01:05:37,183 --> 01:05:38,702
Groovy place you guys got here.
1426
01:05:38,726 --> 01:05:39,431
Hey, bro how's it hanging?
1427
01:05:39,727 --> 01:05:42,844
Hey, white man, you ever
heard of black power?
1428
01:05:43,148 --> 01:05:44,375
Oh yeah, use it in my kitchen
1429
01:05:44,399 --> 01:05:46,014
get rid of those bugs, great stuff.
1430
01:05:46,317 --> 01:05:47,317
Bartender...
1431
01:05:48,945 --> 01:05:51,231
What'll you have, copper?
1432
01:05:51,531 --> 01:05:53,772
Give me a scotch on the
rocks and hurry please.
1433
01:05:56,369 --> 01:05:57,369
Warm in here.
1434
01:05:59,497 --> 01:06:01,658
Oh, could I get another ice cube please?
1435
01:06:06,504 --> 01:06:07,209
Maybe not.
1436
01:06:07,505 --> 01:06:08,870
I gotta go pee anyway.
1437
01:06:09,174 --> 01:06:11,756
Potty, piss, I gotta go potty.
1438
01:06:12,051 --> 01:06:13,336
Kent, I'm going to the bathroom.
1439
01:06:13,636 --> 01:06:15,376
Go ahead, just watch it. - Right on!
1440
01:06:16,639 --> 01:06:18,039
Hey, you live around here?
1441
01:06:20,351 --> 01:06:22,512
Hey, everybody this is a stick-up!
1442
01:06:22,812 --> 01:06:23,812
Don't anybody move!
1443
01:06:24,105 --> 01:06:26,812
You, buckwheat, get all
the money in this bag.
1444
01:06:27,108 --> 01:06:28,108
Uh-uh, copper!
1445
01:06:28,234 --> 01:06:30,225
Don't move that hand or I'll blow it off!
1446
01:06:30,528 --> 01:06:31,728
Come on you, move it, move it!
1447
01:06:31,946 --> 01:06:33,106
I want all the tips too!
1448
01:06:33,406 --> 01:06:33,940
Come on, hurry up!
1449
01:06:34,240 --> 01:06:35,901
Come on, four eyes!
1450
01:06:36,201 --> 01:06:37,201
Good!
1451
01:06:37,410 --> 01:06:39,776
I've got a joke for you that
will make your hair curl.
1452
01:06:40,079 --> 01:06:41,990
Ah, you already heard it.
1453
01:06:42,290 --> 01:06:43,410
I guess the only credit card
1454
01:06:43,500 --> 01:06:45,707
this club takes is massacharge.
1455
01:06:46,002 --> 01:06:47,913
Get it, massacharge!
1456
01:06:48,213 --> 01:06:49,953
Don't worry everybody I'm the police!
1457
01:06:52,842 --> 01:06:54,833
Hey man, what's happening baby?
1458
01:06:55,136 --> 01:06:55,670
Hey, what are
you doing in Hollywood?
1459
01:06:55,970 --> 01:06:59,337
Oh that's great, I see
your momma at the store, man.
1460
01:06:59,641 --> 01:07:00,801
Hey, what happened?
1461
01:07:01,100 --> 01:07:01,634
What happened, I'll
tell you what happened.
1462
01:07:01,935 --> 01:07:03,175
Bag man just robbed this place.
1463
01:07:03,394 --> 01:07:03,928
What?
1464
01:07:04,229 --> 01:07:04,888
Yeah, you were in the bathroom.
1465
01:07:05,188 --> 01:07:07,804
Then the bag man leaves and
you come out of the bathroom.
1466
01:07:08,107 --> 01:07:09,722
What a coincidence!
1467
01:07:10,026 --> 01:07:11,462
Captain Lewis told me he suspected you.
1468
01:07:11,486 --> 01:07:12,486
Let me see your neck!
1469
01:07:12,654 --> 01:07:13,654
Why?
1470
01:07:14,280 --> 01:07:15,395
Just as I suspected.
1471
01:07:15,698 --> 01:07:16,698
What?
1472
01:07:16,783 --> 01:07:17,783
Paper cuts!
1473
01:07:20,995 --> 01:07:22,890
As far as I'm concerned,
you're my number one suspect.
1474
01:07:22,914 --> 01:07:24,266
What were you doing in that bathroom?
1475
01:07:24,290 --> 01:07:25,290
Number two.
1476
01:07:26,543 --> 01:07:28,124
Okay, you're my number two suspect.
1477
01:07:31,172 --> 01:07:33,212
You two guys really screwed
it up didn't ya, huh?
1478
01:07:33,466 --> 01:07:35,081
I'm gonna give you one more chance.
1479
01:07:35,385 --> 01:07:36,487
We'll go to the comedy cabaret
1480
01:07:36,511 --> 01:07:38,502
and we're gonna find out once and for all,
1481
01:07:38,805 --> 01:07:40,485
if the unknown comic is really the bag man
1482
01:07:40,598 --> 01:07:42,589
or if you are the unknown comic
1483
01:07:42,892 --> 01:07:44,092
or if maybe the bag man is you
1484
01:07:44,352 --> 01:07:45,752
or the unknown comic is the bag man
1485
01:07:45,853 --> 01:07:47,639
or if you're not the unknown comic
1486
01:07:47,939 --> 01:07:48,958
and you're not the bag man
1487
01:07:48,982 --> 01:07:50,502
then we're gonna go over and find out.
1488
01:07:54,779 --> 01:07:58,692
Hey look out!
1489
01:07:58,992 --> 01:08:00,632
Look at these funny looking guys.
1490
01:08:00,743 --> 01:08:02,859
What are they doing here, hey!
1491
01:08:03,162 --> 01:08:04,974
Captain, come
on, let me help you out.
1492
01:08:09,085 --> 01:08:10,725
Take this, kid, pull around the corner.
1493
01:08:10,962 --> 01:08:12,482
We don't want to arouse any suspicion.
1494
01:08:12,589 --> 01:08:13,589
Yes sir!
1495
01:08:14,424 --> 01:08:16,540
Who's the owner of this place?
1496
01:08:16,843 --> 01:08:21,633
I am.
1497
01:08:22,140 --> 01:08:23,660
What seems to be the trouble, officer?
1498
01:08:23,766 --> 01:08:24,300
No trouble at all.
1499
01:08:24,601 --> 01:08:25,601
We're just gonna find out
1500
01:08:25,727 --> 01:08:27,968
if the unknown comic is really a comic.
1501
01:08:29,314 --> 01:08:30,599
Who are these two idiots?
1502
01:08:31,691 --> 01:08:33,852
We're also undercover police officers.
1503
01:08:34,152 --> 01:08:36,393
I hope someone uncovers
the unknown comic soon.
1504
01:08:37,614 --> 01:08:40,447
IT's almost showtime and
he hasn't showed up yet.
1505
01:08:40,742 --> 01:08:43,074
We want a few words
with him after the show.
1506
01:08:43,369 --> 01:08:44,889
Well, I wouldn't be too hard on him.
1507
01:08:45,079 --> 01:08:46,740
He probably has a pretty good excuse.
1508
01:08:48,833 --> 01:08:50,573
It'll be very interesting to find out
1509
01:08:50,877 --> 01:08:53,835
if the unknown comic shows up at all.
1510
01:08:54,130 --> 01:08:56,963
Right, Melvin?
1511
01:08:57,258 --> 01:08:58,623
Right, captain. - Hi Kent.
1512
01:08:58,926 --> 01:09:00,541
I gotta go to the bar and mingle.
1513
01:09:00,845 --> 01:09:03,006
Let me check your doll. - Put me down!
1514
01:09:03,306 --> 01:09:04,306
Get out of here!
1515
01:09:04,599 --> 01:09:06,510
And Melvin, you stay right there!
1516
01:09:06,809 --> 01:09:07,809
Don't you move!
1517
01:09:07,935 --> 01:09:10,142
And Tex, you keep an eye on Melvin!
1518
01:09:10,438 --> 01:09:13,054
Captain Lewis you said you
were gonna call me last night
1519
01:09:13,358 --> 01:09:14,939
and you didn't, were you lying?
1520
01:09:15,234 --> 01:09:18,397
If I lied to you, may the
lord take my voice away!
1521
01:09:20,490 --> 01:09:22,026
Wait a sec, drink this.
1522
01:09:26,871 --> 01:09:28,951
Those guys sure don't seem
to trust you very much.
1523
01:09:29,040 --> 01:09:30,701
No, they think that I know something
1524
01:09:31,000 --> 01:09:33,116
about this unknown comic character.
1525
01:09:33,419 --> 01:09:35,189
Yeah, there's been a rumor
that the unknown comic
1526
01:09:35,213 --> 01:09:37,107
and this bag man that's
been robbing all the bars
1527
01:09:37,131 --> 01:09:37,711
is one and the same.
1528
01:09:38,007 --> 01:09:40,047
Yeah, well I've got a
feeling neither one of them
1529
01:09:40,301 --> 01:09:43,543
is gonna show up tonight.
1530
01:09:43,846 --> 01:09:45,046
Hi, I know this is the night
1531
01:09:45,223 --> 01:09:46,679
you've all been waiting for.
1532
01:09:46,974 --> 01:09:49,260
Please welcome the unknown comic!
1533
01:10:00,822 --> 01:10:01,481
I've got a joke for you
1534
01:10:01,781 --> 01:10:03,817
that's gonna make your boobies fall off.
1535
01:10:04,117 --> 01:10:05,653
You already heard it!
1536
01:10:07,370 --> 01:10:08,610
Oh, she's pissed now!
1537
01:10:09,831 --> 01:10:11,642
Don't worry, I can make
your boobies seem larger.
1538
01:10:11,666 --> 01:10:12,666
I have small hands.
1539
01:10:15,920 --> 01:10:18,036
I'm telling you I just
flew in from Las Vegas.
1540
01:10:18,339 --> 01:10:18,873
Yeah, what a bummer.
1541
01:10:19,173 --> 01:10:20,754
I got airsick and nobody knew!
1542
01:10:22,719 --> 01:10:24,196
Some of you suckers are
holding in your laughs.
1543
01:10:24,220 --> 01:10:25,881
Don't do that folks, it creates gas.
1544
01:10:26,806 --> 01:10:28,467
That's right, everybody give me an h.
1545
01:10:28,766 --> 01:10:29,300
H!
1546
01:10:29,600 --> 01:10:30,305
Give me an Al - Al
1547
01:10:30,601 --> 01:10:31,601
give me an h! - Hi!
1548
01:10:31,811 --> 01:10:32,811
Give me an Al - Al
1549
01:10:32,895 --> 01:10:34,601
what's it spell? - Haha!
1550
01:10:34,897 --> 01:10:36,542
There don't you feel better?
1551
01:10:36,566 --> 01:10:37,926
Okay, everybody!
1552
01:10:38,109 --> 01:10:39,269
This is a hold up!
1553
01:10:39,569 --> 01:10:40,569
Nobody move a muscle.
1554
01:10:40,611 --> 01:10:42,067
I swear to god, I'll blow you away!
1555
01:10:42,363 --> 01:10:44,354
You, put all the money
in this bag right now!
1556
01:10:44,657 --> 01:10:45,942
Move it, now, give it to me!
1557
01:10:47,201 --> 01:10:48,345
You've been such a good audience,
1558
01:10:48,369 --> 01:10:49,859
I'd like to leave you with a joke.
1559
01:10:50,163 --> 01:10:52,575
How do you keep a roomful
of assholes in suspense?
1560
01:10:54,208 --> 01:10:55,618
I'll tell you tomorrow!
1561
01:10:55,918 --> 01:10:57,678
Unknown, darling, I've
got to talk to you.
1562
01:10:57,795 --> 01:10:58,329
I love you.
1563
01:10:58,629 --> 01:11:00,023
Don't you see we were meant or each other?
1564
01:11:00,047 --> 01:11:01,887
Get away from me, you slut!
1565
01:11:02,091 --> 01:11:04,582
I got the gun! - I got the money!
1566
01:11:04,886 --> 01:11:05,966
Oh no!
1567
01:11:17,023 --> 01:11:21,938
Hey! - Hey, what's going on here?
1568
01:11:31,579 --> 01:11:32,193
Hey, what's going on here,
1569
01:11:32,497 --> 01:11:34,033
who are these people?
1570
01:11:39,921 --> 01:11:43,914
Somebody farted!
1571
01:11:44,217 --> 01:11:45,217
All right!
1572
01:11:47,929 --> 01:11:52,093
Don't you make a move or
I'll blow your brains out!
1573
01:11:57,355 --> 01:11:59,220
I think we lost him.
1574
01:11:59,524 --> 01:12:00,809
No, there he is!
1575
01:12:03,486 --> 01:12:04,486
Come on!
1576
01:12:08,282 --> 01:12:10,068
There he is!
1577
01:12:10,368 --> 01:12:12,609
I said hey! - Hey!
1578
01:12:12,912 --> 01:12:15,278
I said ho! - Ho!
1579
01:12:15,581 --> 01:12:16,821
I said hey! - Hey!
1580
01:12:17,124 --> 01:12:18,159
Ho! - Ho!
1581
01:12:18,459 --> 01:12:19,699
Hey, ho! - Hey, ho!
1582
01:12:55,621 --> 01:12:56,656
Now I gotcha!
1583
01:13:01,586 --> 01:13:02,586
I'll kill ya!
1584
01:13:05,882 --> 01:13:07,213
Okay, but which way did he go?
1585
01:13:07,508 --> 01:13:09,339
I thought I saw the scumbag go this way.
1586
01:13:09,635 --> 01:13:11,171
Yeah, hey, you know IT's true...
1587
01:13:11,470 --> 01:13:16,009
- Hey baby check this out!
- Denise give him the town!
1588
01:13:19,854 --> 01:13:23,938
What the hell, hey, help!
1589
01:13:54,472 --> 01:13:55,712
Alright, you got me.
1590
01:13:56,724 --> 01:13:58,089
You're the big man.
1591
01:13:58,392 --> 01:13:59,802
You've got the gun.
1592
01:14:00,102 --> 01:14:01,387
Go ahead, shoot me!
1593
01:14:01,687 --> 01:14:03,598
Shoot me you coward!
1594
01:14:03,898 --> 01:14:04,978
You lowlife!
1595
01:14:05,274 --> 01:14:06,274
You scumbags!
1596
01:14:07,109 --> 01:14:07,768
Give him your gun.
1597
01:14:08,069 --> 01:14:08,603
I'm not gonna give him my gun.
1598
01:14:08,903 --> 01:14:09,903
Give him your gun!
1599
01:14:18,162 --> 01:14:20,403
Who the hell do you think you are anyway?
1600
01:14:20,706 --> 01:14:21,706
Clint Eastwood?
1601
01:14:23,125 --> 01:14:24,786
Make my night!
1602
01:14:26,587 --> 01:14:28,418
Come on, quit pissing around!
1603
01:14:28,714 --> 01:14:29,749
Let's get to it!
1604
01:16:25,206 --> 01:16:26,286
Dr. Ziegler!
1605
01:16:28,667 --> 01:16:30,077
I think he's dead!
1606
01:16:31,170 --> 01:16:36,039
You could have killed me!
1607
01:16:36,634 --> 01:16:39,296
Get of him, get off him!
1608
01:16:41,263 --> 01:16:45,973
So that explains all those
anonymous phone calls.
1609
01:16:46,268 --> 01:16:47,383
But why?
1610
01:16:47,686 --> 01:16:48,686
No offense, Melvin.
1611
01:16:49,605 --> 01:16:50,890
Just a little bored.
1612
01:16:51,190 --> 01:16:52,350
I needed the money.
1613
01:16:52,650 --> 01:16:53,810
You two know each other?
1614
01:16:54,110 --> 01:16:54,644
Yeah, but he didn't know
1615
01:16:54,944 --> 01:16:57,481
that I know he's the unknown comic.
1616
01:16:57,780 --> 01:16:59,216
Wait a minute, we just
left the unknown comic
1617
01:16:59,240 --> 01:17:01,572
at the stage at the comedy cabaret.
1618
01:17:01,867 --> 01:17:03,858
If that's the unknown comic and I'm here
1619
01:17:04,161 --> 01:17:06,197
then who the hell is that guy?
1620
01:17:13,420 --> 01:17:15,331
Oh oh, hold it, hold it.
1621
01:17:16,382 --> 01:17:19,966
I'm going that way, that
way, over this way!
1622
01:17:26,142 --> 01:17:27,702
Get a statement from
these guys right here.
1623
01:17:27,726 --> 01:17:29,162
I'll get on that statement.
1624
01:17:29,186 --> 01:17:31,552
Captain Lewis, we caught the bag man!
1625
01:17:31,856 --> 01:17:32,971
Huh? - Good.
1626
01:17:33,274 --> 01:17:34,751
What happened to the unknown comic?
1627
01:17:34,775 --> 01:17:36,731
I don't know. - Oh, there he is!
1628
01:17:37,027 --> 01:17:38,627
What size bag was it, ma'am?
1629
01:17:47,746 --> 01:17:49,156
Excuse me, out of my way!
1630
01:18:18,694 --> 01:18:20,776
Come on, I've got you now!
1631
01:18:22,698 --> 01:18:26,816
Alright, let's see who you are!
1632
01:18:36,253 --> 01:18:38,539
Sue! - Melvin.
1633
01:18:38,839 --> 01:18:40,670
But why?
1634
01:18:40,966 --> 01:18:42,566
Melvin, I was just trying to help you.
1635
01:18:42,718 --> 01:18:44,279
When I heard that captain
Lewis was gonna be
1636
01:18:44,303 --> 01:18:45,509
watching you so closely,
1637
01:18:45,804 --> 01:18:48,295
I knew you couldn't change
into the unknown comic.
1638
01:18:48,599 --> 01:18:50,199
But my voice, how did you do my voice?
1639
01:19:00,986 --> 01:19:02,897
Oh, that was easy.
1640
01:19:03,197 --> 01:19:04,966
I found a tape when I was
going through your locker
1641
01:19:04,990 --> 01:19:07,402
of your act and so I put it
on the backstage microphone.
1642
01:19:07,701 --> 01:19:09,942
And nobody could see my
mouth moving under the bag,
1643
01:19:10,246 --> 01:19:11,861
so I just jumped around on stage.
1644
01:19:12,164 --> 01:19:13,654
What a great idea!
1645
01:19:13,958 --> 01:19:16,665
I could franchise the unknown
comic and make a fortune!
1646
01:19:24,593 --> 01:19:26,458
Melvin! - Oh sue!
1647
01:19:26,762 --> 01:19:29,799
Oh Melvin! - Oh sue!
1648
01:19:30,099 --> 01:19:31,099
Oh Melvin!
1649
01:19:31,809 --> 01:19:33,765
Wait a minute, you've got an act to finish!
1650
01:19:42,319 --> 01:19:44,355
We can't make love like this anymore!
1651
01:20:24,737 --> 01:20:26,193
Finish the job!
1652
01:20:26,488 --> 01:20:30,481
Hey, like Robert De
Niro says, "oh, oh yeah!"
1653
01:20:31,452 --> 01:20:33,693
Get down there you little cutie!
1654
01:20:33,996 --> 01:20:36,328
Way down there! - I'm going baby!
1655
01:20:44,715 --> 01:20:47,377
I don't believe it!
1656
01:20:47,676 --> 01:20:49,086
Are you calling me a liar?
1657
01:21:07,613 --> 01:21:08,898
Mark! - And action!
1658
01:21:17,373 --> 01:21:20,911
Captain, uh, shit! - Captain shit.
1659
01:21:21,210 --> 01:21:22,570
Start. - I thought you're naming
1660
01:21:22,628 --> 01:21:25,495
the captain Kent, first step, action.
1661
01:21:27,383 --> 01:21:29,044
We're coming.
1662
01:21:35,724 --> 01:21:38,215
Captain, uh, Kent Lane not reporting.
1663
01:21:38,519 --> 01:21:40,225
IT's captain Kent Lane.
1664
01:21:43,190 --> 01:21:45,021
Marker. - And action!
1665
01:21:46,819 --> 01:21:48,559
Oh, hi, sue! - Again.
1666
01:21:50,989 --> 01:21:53,150
And action! - Oh, hi, sue!
1667
01:21:54,410 --> 01:21:57,777
Melvin! - Again, do it again.
1668
01:21:58,080 --> 01:21:59,695
Action. - Oh, hi, sue!
1669
01:22:01,166 --> 01:22:03,282
Don't look up, yeah down.
1670
01:22:03,585 --> 01:22:06,952
Okay come in again and action!
Oh hi, sue!
1671
01:22:08,298 --> 01:22:09,708
Melvin, is it true?
1672
01:22:10,008 --> 01:22:11,293
About the size of my dick?
1673
01:22:15,389 --> 01:22:16,674
IT's my business to know, kid.
1674
01:22:16,974 --> 01:22:18,134
Hey, uh...
1675
01:22:18,434 --> 01:22:19,799
Hey you, Tex, come here!
118145
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