All language subtitles for Neal.Brennan.Women.And.Black.Dudes.2014.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]

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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Man: ♪ A'IGHT ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE ]

Brennan:
WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL?

HI.

HOW ARE YOU?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

GOOD.

UM, HEY, THANKS FOR HAVING ME,
FIRST OF ALL.

THANK YOU, NEW ORLEANS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SO, HEY, HAVE YOU GUYS HAD
THAT THING HAPPEN TO YOU YET

WHERE YOU REALIZE YOU'RE
TOO DEPENDENT ON TECHNOLOGY?

YEAH, IT HAPPENED TO ME.

MY BUDDY WAS VISITING FROM OUT
OF TOWN, AND HE CALLED ME UP.

HE WAS LIKE, "DUDE, I NEED
DIRECTIONS TO YOUR HOUSE."

I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, COOL.
YOU GOT A PEN?"

AND HE GOES, "YEAH,"
AND I GO, "WRITE THIS DOWN.

"HERE'S THE DIRECTIONS.

YOU'RE GONNA GO TO google.com."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU'RE GONNA TYPE IN
MY ADDRESS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"DO WHATEVER THEY SAY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE WAS LIKE, "I'M NOT NEAR
A COMPUTER RIGHT NOW,"

AND I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
DO YOU HAVE GPS ON YOUR PHONE?"

HE GOES, "NO, I HAVE, LIKE,
AN OLD FLIP PHONE."

LIKE, "WELL, THEN I DON'T THINK
YOU CAN COME TO MY HOUSE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HAVE CABLE AND RUNNING WATER.
IT'S GONNA FREAK YOU OUT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS JUST IN SEATTLE
A COUPLE WEEKS AGO.

WASHINGTON STATE NOW --
[ CROWD CHEERS ]

YEAH -- WASHINGTON STATE SAID,
"YOU KNOW, WEED LEGAL."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"WEED LEGAL,

TEXTING AND DRIVING
AGAINST THE LAW."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, BASICALLY, A COP
COULD PULL YOU OVER,

WALK UP TO THE CAR,

SEE YOU ROLLING A JOINT
ON YOUR LAP,

AND BE LIKE,
"OH, I'M SORRY, SIR,

"I THOUGHT
YOU WERE TEXTING AND DRIVING.

HAVE A GREAT DAY."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

SO, I LIVE IN CALIFORNIA,

AND CALIFORNIA, THE LAW IS

THAT WE CAN'T TALK
ON THE PHONE AND DRIVE.

WE CAN'T TEXT AND DRIVE.

TO TALK ON THE PHONE AND DRIVE,

WE GOT TO HAVE
THE HANDS-FREE DEVICE.

BUT MY HANDS-FREE DEVICE
BROKE RECENTLY,

LIKE A YEAR AND A HALF AGO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, WE ALL HAVE SAME PLAN
PRETTY MUCH

FOR NOT GETTING PULLED OVER --
HERE'S WHAT WE DO.

WE'LL BE DRIVING ALONG,
TALKING TO OUR FRIEND,

LOOK OVER, SEE A COP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]

THEN YOU GOT TO YELL
TO YOUR FRIEND

LIKE, "YO,
THERE'S A COP NEXT TO ME.

JUST HANG OUT FOR A SECOND,
ALL RIGHT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

SAME PLAN? YEAH.

NEVER CATCH US,
THESE BITCH-ASS COPS.

[ LAUGHS ]

TEXTING AND DRIVING --
ALSO ILLEGAL.

THAT, I GOT TO SAY,
I AGREE WITH, THOUGH,

'CAUSE TEXTING AND DRIVING

IS SOME MIND-BENDING SHIT,
ISN'T IT?

YOU'LL BE DRIVING ALONG
AND BE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET ME JUST CLICK ON..."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"TEXT MY FRIEND HERE."

YOU LOOK UP, AND YOU'RE LIKE,

"WOW. WAS I DRIVING
THAT WHOLE TIME?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THAT SHIT WAS DANGEROUS.
FUCK."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"'CAUSE WHEN I LOOKED DOWN,
I WAS ON THE HIGHWAY.

AND NOW I'M IN MY GARAGE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WELL, AT LEAST
IT WAS AN IMPORTANT TEXT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"NO, YOU'RERETARDED."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY "RETARDED."

BUT I THINK WE ALL HAVE A WORD

THAT WE'RE LIKE, "NO,
I'M GONNA KEEP SAYING THAT ONE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I GOT A COUPLE.

UM, YOU KNOW WHY
WE ALL HAVE A WORD?

YOU KNOW WHY
WE KEEP SAYING "RETARDED,"

EVEN THOUGH WE SHOULDN'T,

IS 'CAUSE, UH,
'CAUSE WE'RE DICKS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW HOW YOU KNOW
HUMAN BEINGS ARE DICKS

IS BY WHO WE HOLD UP AS GREAT

'CAUSE THEY'RE
NOT EVEN REALLY THAT GREAT.

LIKE, MOTHER TERESA'S FAMOUS
'CAUSE SHE GAVE AWAY FREE SOUP.

BUT WE'RE SUCH DICKS,
WE HEARD THAT

AND LIKE, "WAIT A MINUTE.
"SHE GAVE AWAY FREE SOUP?

"SHE DIDN'T CHARGE
FOR CROUTONS OR NOTHING?

THIS WOMAN'S A FRICKIN' SAINT."

MARTIN LUTHER KING'S FAMOUS
'CAUSE HE SAID,

"HEY, DESPITE THE DIFFERENCES
IN THE COLOR OF OUR SKIN,

LET'S ALL BE GOOD
TO EACH OTHER."

AGAIN, WE'RE SUCH DICKS,
WE HEARD THIS,

WE'RE LIKE, "RACIAL TOLERANCE?

"WHO THINKS OF THIS SHIT?

"YOU'RE GETTING YOUR OWN
HOLIDAY, MARTIN LUTHER KING.

"YEAH, YOUR BIRTHDAY,
I DON'T GO TO WORK.

THAT'S HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME."

[ LAUGHTER ]

JESUS IS FAMOUS 'CAUSE HE SAID,

"TREAT OTHER PEOPLE THE WAY
YOU WANT THEM TO TREAT YOU."

WE HEARD THIS, WE'RE LIKE,

"THIS JESUS IS
ON SOME NEXT-LEVEL SHIT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WE'RE GONNA WORSHIP YOU, JESUS,
ANDYOUR DAD.

THIS DOESN'T END TONIGHT,
BELIEVE ME."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"NECKLACES WITH YOU ON IT,
T-SHIRTS.

'YOU'RE MY HOMEBOY.'

"WE'RE GONNA WORSHIP YOUR MOM

BUT NOT YOUR STEPDAD, 'CAUSE
FUCK HIM FOR SOME REASON."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

JOSEPH GOT A RAW DEAL, HUH?

MORE ON THAT IN A SECOND.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW, JESUS -- LIKE,
WE'RE CRAZY INTO JESUS.

LIKE,
IF ALIENS CAME DOWN TO EARTH,

THEY'LL BE LIKE, "WHO IS
THIS GUY WITH THE BEARD

YOU GUYS ARE SO INTO?"

"OH, HIS NAME IS JESUS.

FROM NAZARETH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"REALLY? WHAT DID HE DO
THAT WAS SO GREAT?"

"WHAT HE DID
THAT WAS SO GREAT WAS,

HE TOLD US
TO BE NICE TO EACH OTHER."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THIS WAS RECENTLY?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"NO, ACTUALLY, THIS WAS
A COUPLE THOUSAND YEARS AGO,

AS A MATTER OF FACT."

"AND NO ONE ELSE
HAS SAID THAT SINCE?"

"UH, NO, ONE OTHER GUY --
BLACK DUDE WITH A MUSTACHE.

MARTIN LUTHER KING --
HE SAID IT, TOO."

"ALL RIGHT, SO,
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU GUYS ARE SUCH DICKS
THAT IN 2,000 YEARS,

"ONLY TWO OF YOU
WENT AROUND SAYING,

'HEY, EVERYONE, LET'S BE NICE'?"

"YEAH, BUT I DON'T THINK
THAT MAKES US DICKS."

"ALL RIGHT, WELL,
WHAT'D YOU DO TO THOSE TWO?"

"ALL RIGHT, WE'RE DICKS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

SO, YEAH, SO, BACK TO JOSEPH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WORST PART OF THE BIBLE!
WORST PART OF THE BIBLE.

HE GOES OUT OF TOWN, COMES BACK,
MARY'S LIKE, "I'M PREGNANT."

AND HE'S LIKE, "WE HAVEN'T
HAD SEX IN SIX MONTHS."

"NO, IT WAS A GHOST."

"OH, THAT'S GONNA BE EASIER
FOR ME TO DEAL WITH EMOTIONALLY.

ALL RIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I GOT TO SAY,
I'M WAY TOO PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE,

'CAUSE IF I WERE JOSEPH
AND MARY WAS LIKE,

"HEY, WOULD YOU MIND CHANGING
JESUS' DIAPER?"

I'D BE LIKE,
"NO, BUT MAYBE THE GHOST WILL.

"ANY WORD FROM THE GHOST?

"ANYTHING ABOUT CHIPPING IN
A JERUSA-DOLLARS

"FOR JESUS' PRESCHOOL?

NOTHING?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I GOT TO GET A BARTENDING JOB
'CAUSE OF THE GHOST?

ALL RIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M ALL GACKED OUT ON...

ON JESUS.

[ CHUCKLES ] NOW, I WENT
TO CATHOLIC SCHOOL 12 YEARS.

SO, CATHOLIC SCHOOL --
ALL RIGHT, FIRST OF ALL,

CATHOLIC SCHOOL 12 YEARS,

PEOPLE'S FIRST QUESTION
WHEN THEY HEAR THAT IS,

"HEY, NEAL,
DID YOU GET MOLESTED?"

IT'S THE SIGN OF
A CLASSY ORGANIZATION, ISN'T IT?

AND TO ANSWER THE QUESTION,
NO, I DIDN'T GET MOLESTED.

I FUCKED A FEW PRIESTS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT I DIDN'T GET --
I DIDN'T GET MOLESTED.

I AIN'T NO BITCH,
YOU UNDERSTAND?

8-YEAR-OLD ME
FUCKING A PRIEST.

"FORGIVE ME, FATHER.
YOU KNOW WHY.

[ LAUGHS ]"
Wshoo!

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

CATHOLIC SCHOOL IS LIKE PRISON.
YOU GOT TO STRIKE FIRST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

SEE, GROWING UP CATHOLIC,

IT, YOU KNOW,
IT MAKES PEOPLE CRAZY.

LIKE CHRISTIAN POLITICIANS
ARE NUTS TO ME,

LIKE WHERE WE CAN'T HAVE
ANY CONTRACEPTION

ANYWHERE IN THE SCHOOL.

THEY'LL BE LIKE, "WE CAN'T HAVE
CONDOMS IN THE SCHOOLS,

"'CAUSE IF WE HAVE CONDOMS
IN THE SCHOOLS,

KIDS WILL AUTOMATICALLY
HAVE SEX WITH EACH OTHER."

WHICH MAKES ABOUT AS MUCH SENSE
AS KIDS BEING LIKE,

"HEY, I GOT SOME BAND-AIDS.
WE SHOULD CUT EACH OTHER."

MAKES NO SENSE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN THERE'S ALL THIS STUFF
IN THE BIBLE

THAT YOU KIND OF
TAKE AT FACE VALUE, GROWING UP.

AND THEN YOU GET
A LITTLE DISTANCE FROM IT,

AND YOU'RE KIND OF LIKE,
"WAIT. WHAT?"

LIKE, "THIS IS A LETTER
FROM PAUL TO THE PHILIPPIANS."

LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

WHEN YOU GIVE IT
A LITTLE DISTANCE,

YOU GO, "WHO WRITES LETTERS
TO ENTIRE GROUPS OF PEOPLE?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THIS IS A LETTER FROM LARRY
TO THE PUERTO RICANS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"DEAR PUERTO RICANS,

WOULD YOU MIND
KEEPING THE MUSIC DOWN?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"SINCERELY, BIG LAR."

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, 12 YEARS OF CATHOLIC SCHOOL,

THEN I MOVED TO NEW YORK,

STARTED HANGING OUT
WITH BLACK DUDES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BANG. BANG. BANG.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I DON'T KNOW THEM.
THEY JUST ARE HERE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ SNIFFLES ]

YOU BARELY QUALIFIED, YOU'RE
SO LIGHT-SKINNED, BY THE WAY.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

YEAH, SO,
I GOT A LOT OF BLACK FRIENDS.

I HAVE LIKE OVER, UH...

OVER 20.

NOW IT'S LIKE ALMOST 30. UM...

NO,
I GOT A LOT OF BLACK FRIENDS.

HERE'S THE THING
ABOUT MY BLACK FRIENDS.

MY BLACK FRIENDS CAN RELAX IN A
WAY THAT MY WHITE FRIENDS CAN'T.

WHITE PEOPLE,
WE'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT RELAXING.

YOU KNOW WHY?

I FIGURED IT OUT, 'CAUSE WE'RE
ALWAYS WORRYING ABOUT THE RULES.

AND WHO'S BREAKING THE RULES.

THE OTHER THING
ABOUT BEING WHITE --

YOU GOT TO ADMIT IT --
WE GOT TATTLETALE IN OUR DNA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE GOT SNITCH IN OUR BLOOD,
WHITE PEOPLE.

I'LL BE AT A NIGHTCLUB
WITH MY BLACK FRIENDS.

IT'LL BE PACKED.

EVERYBODY'S DRINKING, DANCING,
LAUGHING, HAVING A GREAT TIME,

AND I'M TRYING TO FIT IN

LIKE, "THERE MUST BE 350 PEOPLE
IN HERE RIGHT NOW.

I WONDER WHAT THE FIRE MARSHAL
WOULD HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]

WHITE PEOPLE LOVE THE RULES
SO MUCH

THAT WE WILL GO
ON POLICE RIDE-ALONGS...

FOR FUN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW WHITE THAT IS?

YOU EVER TRY TO EXPLAIN THAT
TO BLACK PEOPLE,

LIKE,
"YEAH, I CALL THE PRECINCT.

"I SAY, 'HEY, THIS IS NEAL.

"I'M WHITE, AND I'D LIKE TO GO
FOR A RIDE-ALONG.'

"THEY SEND OVER A SQUAD CAR.

"I GET IN THE BACK SEAT,
WHICH IS FUN FOR ME

'CAUSE WHAT OTHER OPPORTUNITY
WOULD I HAVE TO DO THAT?"

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

WHITE PEOPLE --
WE LOVE THE RULES.

AND WE SHOULD, WHITE PEOPLE.

WE MADE 'EM.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

WE MADE 'EM.

NATIVE AMERICANS
HAD THEIR RULES.

WE'RE LIKE, "NO, THANK YOU.
BROUGHT OUR OWN."

SOME RULES ARE REALLY OBVIOUS
WHITE PEOPLE MADE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOST OBVIOUS
WHITE RULE OF ALL TIME IS?

"NO LOITERING."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ SCOFFS ]

YOU KNOW WHAT BLACK PEOPLE
CALL LOITERING?

"CHILLIN'." THAT'S CORRECT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT WHITE PEOPLE TRIED IT,
THEY WERE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,

"LET'S SEE
ABOUT THIS CHILLIN' HERE.

"TRY THIS OUT.

NO, WE'VE GOT TO OUTLAW THAT.
I DON'T LIKE THAT ONE BIT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"IT'S FAR TOO RELAXING.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A PROFIT.

WE'RE NOT INVADING ANYTHING.
I DON'T LIKE IT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT THERE'S A PRICE TO PAY,
WHITE PEOPLE,

FOR LOVING THE RULES
AS MUCH AS WE DO.

WE CAN'T SLEEP.

NEVER -- I'VE NEVER MET A BLACK
INSOMNIAC IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MEANWHILE, EVERY WHITE PERSON
I KNOW HAS SLEEP ISSUES.

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE WE'RE UP TOSSING
AND TURNING EVERY NIGHT,

THINKING ABOUT WHO BROKE
THE RULES THAT DAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HE DOESN'T THINK I SAW HIM,
BUT, OH, YEAH, I SAW YOU, CHET.

"AND GUESS WHAT?

"TOMORROW, I'M TELLING.

"YOU KNOW WHENI'M TELLING?

"WHITE PEOPLE'S
FAVORITE TIME OF DAY --

FIRST THING IN THE MORNING."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

CAN'T SLEEP, WHITE PEOPLE.

WE NEED BODY PILLOWS
TO GET TO SLEEP,

NEED THE MATTRESS WITH THE
RED WINE BALANCED ON TOP OF IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HUMIDIFIER, DEHUMIDIFIER...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...AN IONIZER
FROM THE SHARPER IMAGE,

A WHITE-NOISE MACHINE
FROM THE SkyMall,

SLEEP MASKS,
BREATHE EASY NOSE STRIPS,

AMBIEN, TYLENOL P.M.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT TAKES
MY BLACK FRIENDS TO FALL ASLEEP?

A BITE OF A SANDWICH
AND A MOMENT OF SILENCE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

THEY'RE OUT.

MY WHITE FRIENDS, ASLEEP,

IT LOOKS LIKE
THEY'RE ON LIFE SUPPORT,

THEY HAVE SO MUCH SHIT
IN THEIR ROOM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY BLACK FRIENDS,

IT LOOKS LIKE THEY FELL ASLEEP
MIDCONVERSATION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HERE'S THE OTHER THING
ABOUT MY BLACK FRIENDS.

THEY'RE ALL IN BETTER SHAPE
THAN ME.

ALL OF THEM --
THE OLD ONES, THE BABIES --

THEY'RE ALL IN BETTER SHAPE
THAN ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HAVE A TON
OF BLACK BABY FRIENDS.

I'M NOT GONNA APOLOGIZE
FOR THAT.

NO, THEY'RE ALL IN BETTER SHAPE.

I'M WHITE, I'M VEGAN,
I WORK OUT TWICE A WEEK,

AND I BASICALLY HAVE
THE BODY OF A BLACK DUDE

WHO JUST GOT OUT OF A COMA,
PRETTY MUCH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LIKE, I WAS THINKING
IT'S A GOOD THING

SUPERMAN LANDED IN SMALLVILLE
AND NOT, LIKE, DETROIT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

'CAUSE IF SUPERMAN
LANDED IN DETROIT,

HE WOULD HAVE BEEN,

LIKE, THE FOURTH FASTEST DUDE
ON HIS FOOTBALL TEAM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU'RE FAST, CLARK,
BUT YOU'RE NO JEVARIS MORRISON."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

YEAH, I'M VEGAN.

PLEASE,
PLEASE HOLD YOUR APPLAUSE.

NO, I GOT -- I, YOU KNOW,
I LIVE IN L.A.

SO IT'S EASY TO BE VEGAN.
YOU NEED BIG CITIES.

NEW YORK, L.A., IT'S EASY,
BUT THE REST OF THE COUNTRY,

YOU MIGHT AS WELL WALK
UP TO PEOPLE

AND BE LIKE,
"HEY, WHERE DO FAGGOTS EAT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WISH I HAD MORE ON THAT JOKE.
THAT'S THE WHOLE JOKE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

BUT THAT'S WHAT'S GREAT
ABOUT STAND-UP.

IT'S LIKE, I SAY "FAGGOT,"

YOU KNOW I'M THE FAGGOT
IN THAT JOKE. IT'S FINE.

THAT'S -- OFFSTAGE, THAT'S --
WE CAN SAY STUFF.

LIKE, OFFSTAGE ESPECIALLY, LIKE,
ME AND MY BLACK COMIC FRIENDS

WILL HAVE THE BEST CONVERSATIONS

WHERE THEY'LL SAY FUNNY STUFF
ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE

AND I'LL SAY FUNNY STUFF ABOUT
BLACK PEOPLE, AND IT'S COOL.

BUT THEY'LL BE LIKE, "NEAL,

"YOU KNOW WHITE PEOPLE
ARE SICK IN THE HEAD, RIGHT?

"THAT'S WHY
Y'ALL BE KILLING MOTHERFUCKERS

"AND FREEZING THEM
AND EATING THEM MONTHS LATER.

"SO YOU PEOPLE ARE DERANGED,
BROTHER.

"THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER SEE
ANY BLACK SERIAL KILLERS,

"IS 'CAUSE BLACK PEOPLE
AREN'T SICK IN THE HEAD

LIKE WHITE PEOPLE ARE."

I'M LIKE, "NO, DUDE,

"THE REASON I'VE NEVER SEEN
A BLACK SERIAL KILLER

"IS 'CAUSE YOU GUYS
KILL ONE PERSON

AND ARE IMMEDIATELY ARRESTED."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T WRITE A
SONG ABOUT IT THAT AFTERNOON."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HOW'D YOU CATCH ME?"
"HOT 97."

"ALL RIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I GOT A LOT OF MEXICAN FRIENDS.

HERE'S THE THING.
I LIVE IN THE SOUTHWEST.

PEOPLE WANT TO DEPORT MEXICANS.

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DEPORT

THE HARDEST-WORKING PEOPLE
ON THE PLANET?

MEXICANS ARE THE HARDEST-WORKING
PEOPLE ON THE PLANET.

MEXICANS...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MEXICANS, PLEASE,
CONSERVE YOUR ENERGY.

WE NEED YOU FOR WORK TOMORROW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

TWO MORE JOKES,
AND IT'S VáMONOS,OKAY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHITE PEOPLE ARE GONNA NEED YOU
TOMORROW.

YOU KNOW WHAT TIME?

FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
THAT'S CORRECT.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

PEOPLE WANT TO DEPORT MEXICANS.

MEXICANS ARE THE HARDEST-WORKING
PEOPLE ON THE PLANET.

YOU KNOW WHY I SAY "THE PLANET"?
LOOK AT EUROPE.

YOU KNOW WHY EVERYTHING'S SO OLD
IN EUROPE?

'CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE
ANY MEXICANS THERE

TO BUILD THEM NEW SHIT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

MEXICANS WOULD HAVE A NEW
COLOSSEUM UP IN THREE DAYS,

FOR REAL.

TWO DAYS IF WE PAID THEM CASH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

STILL NOT CONVINCED?
ALL RIGHT.

MEXICANS WILL STAND AROUND...

ALL DAY

IN A PARKING LOT...

JUST IN CASE
SOME WORK BREAKS OUT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

THEY'RE LIKE HOOKERS
FOR CONSTRUCTION JOBS.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU WON'T SEE ANY OTHER RACE
OF PEOPLE DOING THAT.

WHENEVER I SEE
A BUNCH OF MEXICANS

STANDING IN LINE IN A PARKING
LOT, I THINK HOME DEPOT.

WHENEVER I SEE
A BUNCH OF WHITE PEOPLE

STANDING IN LINE
IN A PARKING LOT,

I THINK "HARRY POTTER" PREMIERE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

I GOT A LOT OF ASIAN FRIENDS,
AS WELL.

I GOT IN TROUBLE
WITH MY ASIAN FRIENDS

AND PEOPLE ON TWITTER,

'CAUSE LAST -- WHEN JEREMY LIN
FIRST STARTED PLAYING WELL --

THE KID PLAYS FOR THE ROCKETS --

HE USED TO PLAY
FOR THE KNICKS -- "LINSANITY" --

FIRST ASIAN-AMERICAN BASKETBALL
PLAYER TO DO REALLY WELL --

AND EVERYBODY WAS CALLING HIM
"LINSANITY," "CINDERELLA STORY,"

"THE UNDERDOG" -- SO, FINALLY,
I WENT ON TWITTER,

AND I SAID, "YOU GUYS,

I'M AFRAID IF YOU KEEP CALLING
JEREMY LIN AN UNDERDOG,

HIS FAMILY WILL EAT HIM."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I THOUGHT I BEAT THEM
FAIR AND SQUARE,

BUT I LOST A LOT OF FOLLOWERS
THAT DAY.

THAT'S ALL I'M GONNA SAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M STUPID
ABOUT THIS RACE STUFF,

'CAUSE I USED TO ALWAYS ASK
PEOPLE IF THEY WERE MIXED --

IF THEY WERE
HALF WHITE AND HALF ASIAN --

I WOULD ALWAYS ASK THEM
WHICH PARENT WAS WHAT RACE.

BUT I REALIZED
IT'S A STUPID QUESTION.

YOU KNOW WHY?
IF SOMEONE'S MIXED --

IF SOMEONE'S HALF WHITE
AND HALF ASIAN --

THE DAD WAS NEVER ASIAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

EVER.

WHITE GIRLS
ARE JUST NOT INTO ASIAN DUDES.

LIKE, I'VE NEVER
BEEN TO THE CLUB

AND BEEN LIKE, "FUCK,
THE ASIAN GUYS ARE HERE."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

WHITE DUDES, THOUGH,
WE'RE, LIKE, ASIAN-GIRL-CRAZY.

WE GOT ALL THESE DUMB-ASS
OLD STEREOTYPES ABOUT THEM, TOO,

LIKE,
"SHE'S GONNA MAKE ME SOUP."

WHAT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

"SHE'S GONNA WALK ON MY BACK."

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

LIKE, WHEN I SEE LUCY LIU,

I'M LIKE,
"GOD, I GOT TO HAVE HER."

WHEN THE AVERAGE WHITE GIRL
SEES JACKIE CHAN,

SHE'S LIKE, "HUH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I WONDER WHAT CHRIS TUCKER
HAS BEEN UP TO RECENTLY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

SO, YEAH, I THINK ABOUT RACE
ALL THE TIME.

SOLUTIONS -- EH, I DON'T KNOW.

PEOPLE TRY TO COME --

WHITE PEOPLE ESPECIALLY HAVE
TERRIBLE SOLUTIONS FOR IT.

LIKE,
THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE...

LIKE, THERE WAS A STORY
ON "60 MINUTES" LAST YEAR

ABOUT "HUCKLEBERRY FINN,"
THE BOOK -- MARK TWAIN BOOK,

"HUCKLEBERRY FINN."

ALL RIGHT, "HUCKLEBERRY FINN" --
I DIDN'T EVEN REMEMBER THIS --

"HUCKLEBERRY FINN"
HAS A BUNCH OF "N" WORDS IN IT.

IT'S GOT 219 "N" WORDS IN IT --

YEAH -- WHICH TO ME
IS SIX TOO MANY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THERE'S A LINE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

ALL RIGHT, SO, NOW,
THE STORY WAS ABOUT

WHITE PEOPLE'S BIG PLAN IS,
THEY WANT TO GET RID OF

ALL THE "N" WORDS
IN "HUCKLEBERRY FINN."

IT WAS JUST SOME TYPICAL
WHITE-PEOPLE SHIT FOR YOU.

LIKE, THAT'S
WHITE PEOPLE'S GRAND SOLUTION

FOR HELPING BLACK PEOPLE.

LIKE, SOME WHITE STATISTICIAN'S
LIKE, "YOU KNOW, FELLAS,

"I'VE BEEN LOOKING
AT THE NUMBERS.

"BLACK PEOPLE HAVE SHORTER
LIFE-SPANS, CAN'T GET LOANS,

"AND DON'T HAVE ACCESS
TO FAIR EDUCATION.

"BUT I THINK
I HAVE THE SOLUTION.

"WE'RE GONNA GET RID OF THE 'N'
WORDS IN 'HUCKLEBERRY FINN.'

IT'S GONNA CHANGE EVERYTHING
FOREVER."

LIKE, SOME BLACK KIDS
DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL

WILL BE LIKE, "FUCK SCHOOL.

I'M GONNA SELL DRUGS
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE,"

AND THEY'LL BE LIKE,
"HEY, DONNELL,

WE GOT RID OF THE 'N' WORDS
IN 'HUCKLEBERRY FINN.'"

"YOU DID WHAT, NOW?
ALL RIGHT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL RIGHT,
THIS IS WHERE I OVER-THINK IT,

THIS RACIAL STUFF.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW
WHO I FEEL BAD FOR NOW?

I FEEL BAD
FOR MARK TWAIN AFICIONADOS.

'CAUSE THINK ABOUT IT.

NOW WHEN THEY GO TO GET
THE ORIGINAL "HUCKLEBERRY FINN,"

THEY'RE GONNA SEEM LIKE
COMPLETE RACISTS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO
INTO BOOKSTORES LIKE, "HI."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HEY, KIND OF A CRAZY QUESTION,
BUT, UH..."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"...DO YOU GUYS HAPPEN TO CARRY
'HUCKLEBERRY FINN'

WITH THE 'NIGGERS'?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]

AND THE REDNECK BEHIND
THE COUNTER

IS GONNA BE LIKE,
"SURE DO, BROTHER.

"COMES WITH A FREE
CONFEDERATE-FLAG BOOKMARK.

THAT'S FOR YOU."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

RELAX, YOU BABIES.
THAT JOKE'S ENTIRELY FICTIONAL.

A REDNECK WILL NEVER WORK
AT A BOOKSTORE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

REDNECK AT A BOOKSTORE
WOULD BE LIKE,

"'PRIDE AND PREJUDICE'
IS THE NAME OF MY TRUCK."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

THAT IS A VERY GOOD JOKE.
THAT'S MY SMARTEST JOKE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

SO, NOW, ALL RIGHT,
SO, I SAID THE "N" WORD.

WE'RE ALL STILL HERE.

LIKE I SAID,
I GOT A LOT OF BLACK FRIENDS,

AND, WHITE PEOPLE,
I HAVE ACTUALBLACK FRIENDS.

AND I KNOW
A LOT OF WHITE PEOPLE,

LIKE, THINK
YOU HAVE BLACK FRIENDS,

BUT YOU'RE NOT REALLY FRIENDS
WITH SOMEBODY

UNLESS YOU CAN YELL AT THEM
AND THEY CAN YELL AT YOU BACK.

A LOT OF WHITE PEOPLE
HAVE TWO STANDARDS

FOR YOUR WHITE FRIENDS
OR YOUR BLACK FRIENDS.

IF ONE OF YOUR WHITE FRIENDS
SCREWS UP,

YOU'LL GET LEGITIMATELY PISSED

AND BE LIKE,
"DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK?"

BUT IF ONE OF YOUR BLACK FRIENDS
SCREWS UP,

YOU IMMEDIATELY GO
INTO HUMAN-RESOURCES MODE,

LIKE, "MALIK --

MALIK, YOUR BEHAVIOR HAS
MADE ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I THINK, GOING FORWARD,
WE NEED TO BE MORE COGNIZANT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I'VE DRAWN UP A PowerPoint."

BOOP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PLUS, I'M A HIP-HOP KID,

SO I'VE BEEN MESSING
WITH THE "N" WORD SINCE N.W.A.

THAT WAS A BIG ONE, YEAH. YEAH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

N.W.A. IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER
THEM, THEY WERE A RAP GROUP.

THEY WERE -- THEY WERE
"STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

IT WAS -- IT WAS EASY-E,
ICE CUBE, DR. DRE,

A COUPLE OTHER DUDES.

ALL RIGHT, SO, EAZY-E
DIED OF AIDS -- HILARIOUS.

UM...

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

DR. DRE DOESN'T MAKE MUSIC
ANYMORE.

HE JUST MAKES HEADPHONES,
AND, UM...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...ICE CUBE JUST MAKES
THESE SHITTY-ASS FAMILY MOVIES.

I ACTUALLY HAD A MOVIE IDEA
FOR ICE CUBE

WHERE ICE CUBE FROM 1989
TRAVELS FORWARD IN TIME

AND BEATS THE FUCK
OUT OF ICE CUBE TODAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT.

ALL RIGHT, SO, IF YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT N.W.A. STOOD FOR,

IT STOOD FOR
"NIGGAZ WITH ATTITUDE."

NOW,
THE WAY I ALWAYS FELT ABOUT IT,

ONCE THEY HAD THE "N,"

THEY KIND OF DIDN'T NEED
THE W.A.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE "N" DID MOST OF
THE HEAVY LIFTING FOR THEM.

NO ONE WAS EVER LIKE,

"SIR, THERE'S SOME NIGGAZ
HERE TO SEE YOU."

"DO THEY HAVE ATTITUDE?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I'M AFRAID THEY DO, SIR."

"SHIT!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALSO, I GET CALLED THE "N" WORD
EVERY DAY.

THANKS, FELLAS.

NO, I GET CALLED THE "N" WORD...

NO, I GET CALLED THE "N" WORD
EVERY DAY --

TEXT, PHONE, PERSON, CONSTANTLY.

MY BLACK FRIENDS
CONSTANTLY CALL ME THE "N" WORD.

IT'S SO BAD AND IT'S BEEN
GOING ON FOR SO LONG

THAT I CALL MYSELFTHE "N" WORD
WHEN NO ONE'S AROUND.

I'LL BE IN MY CAR
AROUND LUNCHTIME.

AND I'LL BE LIKE,
"NIGGA, YOU NEED TO EAT.

WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

I REMEMBER WHEN MY BLACK FRIENDS

FIRST STARTED CALLING ME
THE "N" WORD.

LET'S FACE IT.
IT WAS PRETTY EXCITING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT IT WAS ALWAYS CONFUSING
'CAUSE THEY WERE DOING IT

TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE
A PART OF THE GROUP,

BUT IT ACTUALLY HAD
THE OPPOSITE EFFECT

'CAUSE I COULDN'T SAY IT
BACK TO THEM.

SO IT JUST MADE ME FEEL
THAT MUCH WHITER, YOU KNOW?

I'D WALK UP TO THE GROUP,
AND THEY'D BE LIKE,

"WHAT'S UP, NIGGA?"
AND I'D BE LIKE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HELLO!"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ WHIMPERS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, THEN --
SO, THEN, FINALLY ONE DAY,

I JUST ASKED THEM
LIKE, "HEY, FELLAS,

CAN I START SAYING IT BACK?"

SO THEY HAD A MEETING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I GOT APPROVED. YEAH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ Chuckling ]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THEY SAID I'M ONE OF
SIX WHITE PEOPLE

THAT'S EVER BEEN APPROVED,
THREE OF WHOM -- BEASTIE BOYS.

ALL RIGHT.

SO, NOW I COULD SAY IT,
BUT I FORGOT I COULD ONLY SAY IT

AROUND BROTHERS
I WAS FRIENDS WITH,

'CAUSE A COUPLE WEEKS LATER,
WALKING DOWN THE STREET.

I LISTENING TO MY iPOD.

SOMETHING CALLED THE CRAIG MACK
"FLAVA IN YA EAR" REMIX

COMES ON.

ALL RIGHT, A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW.

FOR THE REST OF YOU, BIGGIE IS
ON THE SONG -- NOTORIOUS B.I.G.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

PUFFY'S FRIEND.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BIGGIE'S FIRST LINE IS,
"NIGGAS IS MAD.

I GET MORE BUTT THAN ASHTRAYS,"

WHICH IS
A WONDERFUL DOUBLE ENTENDRE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

BIGGIE REALLY SPOKE TO ME.

SO, I'M WALKING DOWN THE STREET,

NOT PAYING ATTENTION,
LIKE, "NIGGAS IS MAD.

I GET MORE BUTT THAN ASHTRAYS."

AND I LOOK UP, AND THIS
BROTHER'S GLARING AT ME.

HE GOES, "YO, MOTHERFUCKER,

WHO THE FUCK SAID
TO SAY 'NIGGA,' WHITE BOY?"

I WAS LIKE, "UM..."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"DO YOU KNOW JAMAL?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

AND HE WAS LIKE,
"OH, YOU MUST BE NEAL.

"I HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU, NIGGA.
HEARD YOU GOT APPROVED.

GIVE ME SOME LOVE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND THEN HE STOLE MY iPOD.

LOOK...

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE HAD EVERY RIGHT.

YOU KNOW I HAD
ALL THE MUSIC BACKED UP,

'CAUSE
THAT'S WHAT WHITE PEOPLE DO.

TO THE CLOUD, WHITE PEOPLE,
TO THE CLOUD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

ALL RIGHT, SO, RACE, RELIGION.

LET'S GO POLITICS.

I'M AN OBAMA DUDE,
IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT.

UM...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU KNOW WHAT'S AMAZING
ABOUT OBAMA

IS PEOPLE DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT.

LIKE, BEING
THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT

ISN'T EVEN, LIKE,
THE BIGGEST THING HE'S DONE.

YOU KNOW HOW HE MET MICHELLE?

MICHELLE WAS A LAWYER,
AND HE WAS HER INTERN.

IS NOT THE MOST PIMPED-OUT SHIT
YOU'VE EVER HEARD IN YOUR LIFE?

SO, SHE WAS LIKE,
"GO MAKE SOME COFFEE."

HE WAS LIKE,
"YEAH, AND THEN, AFTER THAT,

YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME
SOME PUSSY?"

"WHAT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I LIKE BARACK.
I GOT TO MEET HIM.

THAT'S PART OF THE REASON
I LIKE HIM.

I MET HIM LAST --
NO, I MEAN,

WHEN YOU MEET SOMEBODY,
YOU'RE LIKE, "HE'S MY FRIEND.

NO, I CAN CALL HIM WHENEVER.
I MET HIM FOR 30 SECONDS."

I MET HIM LAST YEAR

AT THE WHITE HOUSE
CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER.

MY BUDDY SETH MEYERS HOSTED IT,

AND I WROTE A BUNCH OF JOKES
WITH HIM,

AND -- AND WE GOT --
I GOT TO GO,

AND THE DAY BEFORE, I GOT, LIKE,
A TOUR OF THE WHITE HOUSE --

LIKE, A GOODTOUR.

LIKE, I MET THE DOG.
[ LAUGHTER ]

TOTALLY COOL DOG, BY THE WAY.
HASN'T GONE TO HIS HEAD AT ALL.

JUST A REAL REGULAR DOG.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN WE GO THROUGH
THE WHITE HOUSE.

THEN, WE GO TO THE OVAL OFFICE.

IN THE OVAL OFFICE,

ACROSS FROM THE CLINTON
BLOW-JOB DESK,

IT WAS, LIKE,

LITERALLY, LIKE THE FIRST THING
YOU THINK

IS, LIKE,
"OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH."

THEY'RE LIKE,
"YOU WANT TO TOUCH IT?"

I'M LIKE, "NO THANK YOU."

THERE'S -- THERE WAS
A COFFEE TABLE.

ON THE COFFEE TABLE,
THERE'S A BOWL OF APPLES.

SETH'S MOM IS ON THE TOUR,
AS WELL,

AND SHE GOES,
"HEY, ARE THOSE APPLES REAL?"

AND THE WOMAN GIVING US THE TOUR

WAS LIKE, "YEAH,
WOULD ONE OF YOU LIKE ONE?"

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, I'M
A FUCKING TAXPAYER.

[ LAUGHS ]"

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, UH, SO, I'M EATING AN APPLE
IN THE WHITE HOUSE,

IN THE OVAL OFFICE.

ON THE WALL,
OBAMA HAS THE ORIGINAL COPY

OF THE
EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION,

YEAH, WHICH I'M PRETTY SURE
IS JUST THERE

IN CASE THE TEA PARTY'S LIKE,
"WE DON'T THINK YOU'RE FREE."

"ALL RIGHT, LOOK AT THE WALL."

[ LAUGHS ]
THAT'S ALL THEY HAVE LEFT.

THIS IS LITERALLY
ALL THEY HAVE LEFT.

SO, THEN, THE NEXT DAY,

WE GO TO THE
CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER ITSELF,

AND -- AND BEFOREHAND, THERE'S,
LIKE, A LITTLE RECEPTION,

LIKE A SMALL ROOM,
LIKE 100 PEOPLE, PROBABLY.

WE'RE ALL IN TUXEDOS.

AT A CERTAIN POINT, THEY LET
THE PRESIDENT AND FIRST LADY IN,

AND THEY PUT THEM
BEHIND RED-VELVET ROPES.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GO UP,
INTRODUCE OURSELVES,

SAY WHO WE ARE,
GET OUR PICTURE TAKEN.

ALL RIGHT, SO, I'D HEARD

MICHELLE WAS
A "CHAPPELLE'S SHOW" FAN,

SO I WAS LIKE,
"ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET ME EXPLOIT THAT SHIT,
FOR ONCE."

KIDDING -- I --
I EXPLOIT IT EVERY DAY.

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

UM...

SO, IT'S MY TURN,
AND PRESIDENT OBAMA'S HERE.

FIRST LADY OBAMA'S THERE, AND --
AND I WALK UP TO THE PRESIDENT.

I GO, "HEY, MAN,"

WHICH I'M PRETTY SURE
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CALL HIM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT IT WAS BETTER THAN LIKE,
[Coolly] "HEY, MAN."

UM...

"IS THIS YOUR GIRL?
WHAT UP, MA?"

UM...
[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ] SO, SO, SO,
I GO UP, AND I GO -- I GO,

"HEY, MAN,
MY NAME'S NEAL BRENNAN,

AND I CREATED 'CHAPPELLE'S SHOW'
WITH DAVE CHAPPELLE."

AND HE GOES [As Obama]
"OH, MAN, WE LOVE THAT SHOW.

"IN FACT,
THAT'S GOT TO BE CONSIDERED

ONE OF THE GREATEST SHOWS
OF ALL TIME,"

[ Normal voice ]
WHICH I GOT TO SAY...

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I GOT TO SAY, FELT PRETTY GOOD.

LIKE, IF HE'D WANTED A HAND JOB,
I WOULD'VE GIVEN IT TO HIM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, HE GOES, [As Obama]
"MICHELLE, THIS GUY CREATED

'CHAPPELLE'S SHOW'
WITH DAVE CHAPPELLE,"

[ Normal voice ] SO MICHELLE
COMES OVER

AND GOES, "WE WERE SO UPSET
WHEN IT WENT OFF THE AIR,"

AND I GO,
"HOW DO YOU THINK IFELT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, UH...

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, NOW WE'RE GETTING
OUR PICTURE TAKEN,

AND THAT DAY,
OBAMA HAD GONE TO ALABAMA

TO LOOK AT TORNADO DAMAGE,

THEN HE WENT TO CAPE CANAVERAL
FOR SOME NASA STUFF,

THEN HE GOES TO MIAMI,

GIVES A COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS
AT A COLLEGE,

THEN HE'S GONNA COME BACK
TO D.C.,

TAKE PICTURES WITH WEIRDOS
FOR AN HOUR.

THEN HE'S GOT TO DO STAND-UP --
BIG DAY.

KILLS BIN LADEN THE NEXT DAY.

DID MORE IN 36 HOURS
THAN GEORGE BUSH DID

IN HIS WHOLE LIFE.

ALL RIGHT, SO...

[ LAUGHTER,
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH. YEAH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE ]

ALL RIGHT, SO -- SO, NOW
WE'RE GETTING OUR PICTURE TAKEN.

AND THERE'S PEOPLE LINED UP
TO MEET HIM

LIKE HE'S SANTA CLAUS
OR SOMETHING.

IT'S LIKE RUPERT MURDOCH
AND SEAN PENN --

LIKE, LITERALLY, WANTING TO MEET
HIM LIKE HE'S SANTA CLAUS.

LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU WANT
FOR CHRISTMAS, LITTLE BOY?"

"TAX CUTS."
"ALL RIGHT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, THIS IS HOW SMOOTH OBAMA IS.

WE'RE GETTING OUR PICTURE TAKEN,
AND I SAY TO HIM -- I GO --

I GO, "GOD, MAN,
THIS IS ALL SO WEIRD."

I GO, "DO YOU EVER
GET USED TO THIS?"

AND HE GOES, "NOPE."

AND THEN I SWEAR TO GOD,
HE GOES, "BUT, YOU KNOW,

I CAN'T JUST UP AND RETIRE
LIKE DAVE CHAPPELLE DID."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND I WAS LIKE, "MOTHERFUCKER,
WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND HE'S LIKE, "YOU HEARD ME.
CHICAGO, BITCH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SECRET SERVICE WAS LIKE,
"LET THEM FIGHT, LET THEM FIGHT.

I GOT $50 ON THE WHITE BOY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT WAS AWESOME. SMOOTH DUDE.

WHICH BRINGS ME
TO MITT ROMNEY.

DOESN'T HE FEEL
LIKE A WEIRD-ASS,

LIKE, '80s MOVIE-DAD DREAM
WE ALL HAD OF HIM?

[ LAUGHTER ]

THING ABOUT ROMNEY --
SUPER RICH DUDE.

THAT'S THE THING.

EVERYBODY
WANTS TO BE SUPER RICH,

BUT HERE'S
WHAT YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT.

IF YOU EVER GET SUPER RICH
AND THEN YOU HAVE KIDS,

THERE'S LIKE A 98% CHANCE

THAT YOUR KIDS
ARE GONNA BE DICKHEADS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN YOU START TO GET OLDER
AND DYING,

AND THEN THEY'RE GROWN UP,
WEARING YACHTING OUTFITS,

JUST WAITING FOR YOU TO CROAK
SO THEY CAN SPEND YOUR MONEY

ON COCAINE AND BOATS AND SHIT.

IF I EVER GET SUPER RICH
AND IF I HAVE KIDS,

LIKE, IF THEY'RE NICE, I'LL
LEAVE THEM MONEY IN MY WILL,

BUT IF THEY'RE DICKHEADS,
I GOT A WHOLE NOTHER PLAN.

HEAR ME OUT. ALL RIGHT.

HERE'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

I'M GONNA GATHER MY KIDS
AROUND MY DEATHBED.

I'M GONNA BE LIKE, "LOOK, KIDS,

"I'M GONNA PAY
FOR MY OWN FUNERAL.

"WHATEVER'S LEFT OVER,

YOU KIDS CAN SPLIT UP
AMONGST YOURSELVES."

AND THEN I'M GONNA HAVE
THE MOST EXPENSIVE FUNERAL...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...IN THE HISTORY OF DEATH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M GONNA HAVE, LIKE,
A PLATINUM CASKET,

MY NAME WRITTEN IN DIAMONDS
ON THE SIDE.

MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER
BENEATH IT, TOO,

'CAUSE, FUCK IT, I'M DEAD NOW.

WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO WITH IT?

OPEN CASKET.

I'M GONNA BUY
ALL KINDS OF MOVIE PROPS

AND DEMAND TO BE BURIED IN THEM.

I'M WEARING HUMPHREY BOGART'S
HAT FROM "CASABLANCA"...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...DARTH VADER'S CAPE.

I GOT INDIANA JONES' WHIP
IN MY RIGHT HAND...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...JIMI HENDRIX'S GUITAR
FROM WOODSTOCK IN MY LEFT.

I'M WEARING
ROCKY'S BOXING TRUNKS.

I GOT
DOROTHY'S RUBY-RED SLIPPERS ON

FROM "THE WIZARD OF OZ."

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY KIDS ARE GONNA BE LIKE,

"WE'RE OUT $15 MILLION
ON THE CASKET ALONE."

YEAH, THAT'S JUST THE BEGINNING.

THEN THEY'RE GONNA HEAR,
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLEASE WELCOME JAY-Z,
KANYE WEST."

[ RAPPING INDISTINCTLY ]

THOSE GUYS COME OUT.

THEY DO THE FULL
"WATCH THE THRONE" SHOW --

PYRO, MONITORS,
STANDING OVATION,

THEN, JAY-Z's LIKE,
"NEAL COULDN'T DECIDE

WHO SHOULD SAY HIS FUNERAL MASS,

"THEN, HE REALIZED
IT COULD ONLY BE ONE PERSON.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME THE POPE.

HERE COMES THE POPE."

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE POPE WOULD SAY,

BUT BASED ON HIS OUTFIT,

IT SHOULD PROBABLY BE SOMETHING
LIKE, "BOO-OO-OO-OO!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEN THE -- THEN THE POPE'S
LIKE, "NEAL ALWAYS LOVED COMEDY.

"PLEASE WELCOME
THE CAST OF 'SEINFELD' REUNION.

HERE THEY COME."

JERRY, ELAINE, KRAMER, GEORGE.
KRAMER STEPS UP.

HE'S LIKE, "ARE JAY-Z AND KANYE
STILL HERE, BY ANY CHANCE?"

[ LAUGHTER AND GROANS ]

"LOOK...

"LOOK, FELLAS,
I JUST WANTED TO APOLOGIZE

"FOR THAT NIGHT
AT THE LAUGH FACTORY.

"AS A SHOW OF RECONCILIATION,
I'D LIKE TO DONATE $10 MILLION

TO THE
UNITED NEGRO COLLEGE FUND."

AND THEN
A HOLOGRAM OF ME APPEARS,

AND I GO, "AND, KRAMER,
I WILL MATCH THAT DONATION."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND MY KIDS GET
LIKE 80 BUCKS EACH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVERYONE ELSE THERE IS LIKE,

"THAT'S THE BEST FUCKING FUNERAL
I'VE EVER BEEN TO IN MY LIFE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SICK OF?

I'M SICK OF EVERYBODY TELLING ME
WHAT TV SHOWS I GOT TO WATCH.

IT'S, LIKE,
ALL PEOPLE TALK ABOUT.

"I LIKE 'GAME OF THRONES,' BRO."

"HEY, 'MAD MEN.'"

"UH, 'BREAKING BAD.'"

"UH..."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"UH..."

MY BUDDY WANTED ME TO WATCH
"BATTLESTAR GALACTICA."

FOR YEARS, HE BUGGED ME.

I AVOIDED IT.
PEOPLE STILL INTO IT.

I AVOIDED IT.
NOW IT'S ON NETFLIX.

MY BUDDY KEV'S BUGGING ME,
SO, FINALLY, I BROKE DOWN

AND WATCHED ONE EPISODE
OF "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA."

AND IT TURNS OUT, YOU GUYS,

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
ABOUT SPACE PROBLEMS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I PERSONALLY LIKE SHOWS LIKE
"HOARDERS" AND "TEEN MOM" --

SHOWS THAT MAKE ME FEEL --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH. SHOWS THAT MAKE ME FEEL
GOOD ABOUT ME.

I WATCH AN EPISODE
OF "TEEN MOM,"

AND I'M LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT, NEAL?

YOU'VE MADE A LOT OF REALLY GOOD
DECISIONS, YEAH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, I SAY TO MY BUDDY --
I GO, "LOOK, MAN,

I TRIED TO WATCH YOUR SHOW,
AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT."

AND HE SAID
WHAT PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY

WHEN THEY RECOMMEND A SHOW
AND YOU DON'T LIKE IT.

HE GOES, "DUDE, YOU GOT TO WATCH
THE WHOLE SERIES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

DO I? IT'S SIX SEASONS LONG.

IT'S 12 EPISODES A SEASONS.
IT'S AN HOUR LONG AN EPISODE.

THAT'S 72 HOURS OF SHOWS.
THAT'S A BIG COMMITMENT.

PRETTY MUCH, I CAN EITHER WATCH
"BATTLESTAR GALACTICA"

OR GET, LIKE,
A HELICOPTER PILOT'S LICENSE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S A LONG ASSET.

I GOT TO SAY,
IT WAS WAY MORE FUN

BEFORE NETFLIX AND iTUNES
AND DVD,

'CAUSE IT USED TO BE,
IN THE '80s AND '90s,

IF YOU DIDN'T SEE A SHOW
WHEN IT FIRST AIRED,

IT WAS GREAT,
'CAUSE YOU WERE OFF THE HOOK.

SOMEONE WOULD GO, "HEY, NEAL,

DID YOU SEE 'BLOSSOM'
LAST NIGHT?"

"NOPE, AND
I NEVER FUCKING WILL, EITHER."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"SHIT'S GONE WITH THE WIND,
MY FRIEND."

[ BLOWS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

"SURE, THEY'LL RERUN 'BLOSSOM'
IN THE SUMMER,

"BUT ON SUMMER NIGHTS,
I RIDE BIKES AND FINGER CHICKS,

'CAUSE I'M 11."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHO --
ANYBODY HERE MARRIED?

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

REALLY?

GEEZ. SO, MARRIAGE
IS PRETTY MUCH OVER, SEEMS LIKE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

I THINK PEOPLE ARE COMING
TO THE SAME CONCLUSION.

I'M SCARED TO GET MARRIED, MAN.

I'M IN MY 30s.
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE.

BUT IT JUST FEELS LIKE GAMBLING.

FEELS LIKE GAMBLING.

MARRIAGE IS BASICALLY
A WOMAN SAYING TO ME, LIKE,

"HEY, NEAL, YOU STILL GONNA
LOVE ME IN 30 YEARS?"

AND IT'S LIKE, "I HOPE SO,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO BET
YOU HALF MY SHIT OVER IT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

PLUS, I DON'T THINK
WOMEN EVEN CARE ABOUT IT.

I THINK -- HERE'S WHAT
I THINK WOMEN CARE ABOUT.

I THINK WOMEN CARE
ABOUT BEING CUTE.

LADIES, I THINK YOU SPEND
MOST OF YOUR LIVES

IN YOUR OWN HEADS,
THINKING ABOUT CUTE THINGS

THAT YOU'RE GONNA DO
IN THE FUTURE.

AND BASICALLY, GUYS ARE
JUST PROPS IN THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND YOU LIKE A LOT OF LEAD TIME

TO THINK
ABOUT THIS CUTE SHIT, TOO.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE ALWAYS
PLANNING AHEAD SO FAR, LADIES,

WHERE YOU'LL BE LIKE, "HEY, CAN
WE GO TO THE BOTANICAL GARDENS

THREE SUNDAYS FROM NOW?"
AND WE'RE LIKE, "SURE, BABE."

AND IN THE BACK OF OUR HEADS,

WE'RE LIKE, "HOPEFULLY,
I'LL BE DEAD BY THEN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S SO THAT
YOU CAN TAKE THE FULL FEW WEEKS

THINKING ABOUT HOW CUTE
YOU'RE GONNA LOOK,

AND YOU DON'T EVEN CARE
ABOUT THESE PLACES.

YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT
THE BOTANICAL GARDENS

OR SAILING OR WINE TASTING.

YOU GO TO THESE THINGS
FOR ONE THING

AND ONE THING ONLY, LADIES.

YOU GOT TO GET A PICTURE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...OF YOURSELF...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...LOOKING CUTE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

...AS, LIKE, A RECEIPT
OR A PROOF OF PURCHASE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...THAT SOMETHING CUTE
HAPPENED....

[ LAUGHTER ]

...AND YOU WERE
THE ONE WHO DID IT.

FELLAS,
WE CAN BE IN THE PICTURE,

BUT IT'S FOR HER, LOOKING CUTE,

SO THAT SHE CAN POST THE PICTURE
ONLINE

SO THAT HER ENEMIES CAN SEE IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YES.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SHE WANTS HER ENEMIES TO SEE IT

AND BE LIKE, "SHIT,
THIS BITCH IS CUTE."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

CUTE, CUTE, CUTE.

IT'S HUGE.
IT AFFECTS EVERYTHING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I NOTICED
RECENTLY, LADIES?

BECAUSE OF THIS CUTE THING,

EVERY GIRL I KNOW,
ALL THE TIME, IS TWO THINGS --

FREEZING...

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

...STARVING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"OH, MY GOD, I'M SO COLD.

IS ANYBODY ELSE FREEZING
AND STARVING?"

NO, IT'S 75 DEGREES IN HERE,
AND THERE'S FOOD EVERYWHERE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"RUDE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

LADIES, YOU ALL SAY
THE SAME THING, TOO.

"I HAVEN'T HAD ANYTHING TO EAT
ALL DAY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU HAVEN'T HAD ANYTHING TO EAT
ALL DAY?

"I HAD LUNCH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

BUT, LIKE, YOU DON'T HAVE LUNCH?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL
YOU EAT AT LUNCH.

YOU EAT THE MOST OBSCURE STUFF
IN THE WORLD.

ALWAYS LIKE, "ALL I HAD
FOR LUNCH TODAY

WAS, LIKE,
A LITTLE BIT OF COCONUT WATER

AND A HANDFUL OF HUMMUS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

WERE YOU CAPTURED BY AL-QAEDA
AT LUNCH?

WHAT HAPPENED AT LUNCH?

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE FREEZING
AND STARVING.

'CAUSE YOU DON'T WEAR
ENOUGH CLOTHES,

AND YOU DON'T EAT ENOUGH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PROBLEM SOLVED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, I JUST REALIZED THE EATING
THING IS A WHOLE NOTHER THING,

BUT THE DRESSING THING --
I REALIZED HOW WOMEN DRESS.

WOMEN DRESS
FOR THE FIRST 30 SECONDS

OF WHEREVER THEY'RE GOING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

YOU BASICALLY -- YOU BASICALLY
DRESS FOR THE ENTRANCE,

LIKE, "HE-E-E-Y!"

[ SQUEALING INDISTINCTLY ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ SQUEALING CONTINUES ]

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

AND THEN YOU SPEND THE REST
OF THE PARTY LIKE [MOANS]

"I'M FREEZING, MY FEET HURT,
WE HAVE TO GO HOME!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

SO, THE CUTE THING IS BIG...

AND THE EMOTIONAL THING.

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

WOMEN BEING EMOTIONAL
HAS WEIRD SIDE EFFECTS.

ONE OF THEM --
THE BIG ONE, TO ME,

IS THE WAY WOMEN TELL STORIES,

'CAUSE, LADIES, I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU KNEW THIS OR NOT,

BUT A LOT OF GUYS THINK
THAT YOUR STORYTELLING STINKS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT DOESN'T STINK.
WE JUST DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

THAT'S THE THING.
WOMEN ARE EMOTIONAL.

SO YOUR STORIES ARE SUBTLE
AND EMOTIONAL

AND RELATIONSHIP-BASED.

THAT'S NOT HOW
MEN LIKE OUR STORIES.

WE LIKE OUR STORIES LIKE
THREE-PANEL CARTOON STRIPS,

LIKE, "HE PUNCHED ME,
I STABBED HIM,

WE BOTH WENT TO JAIL."

GREAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S A GREAT STORY.

AGAIN, WOMEN'S STORIES --
SUBTLE, EMOTIONAL,

RELATIONSHIP-BASED.

IT'LL BE LIKE,
"SHEILA CAME INTO WORK TODAY.

"SHE WAS BEING ALL WEIRD TO ME.

IT WAS LIKE, 'IS SHE BEING WEIRD
OR I AM BEING WEIRD?'"

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND WOMEN HEAR THAT

AND ARE LIKE,
"THAT'S AN AMAZING STORY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND GUYS HEAR THAT,
WE'RE LIKE, "NOTHING HAPPENED."

[ LAUGHTER ]

BEING THE ONLY GUY
IN A ROOMFUL OF WOMEN,

LISTENING TO ONE WOMAN
TELL A STORY,

IS LIKE BEING
IN A 3-D MOVIE THEATER,

AND EVERYONE'S GOT
THE GLASSES ON EXCEPT FOR YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHERE THEY'RE LIKE, "AAH!"

YOU KNOW, LIKE,
"THIS IS BLURRY AND CONFUSING."

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE CUTE THING -- ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT, WOMEN?

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO
THAT'S CRAZIER

THAN ANY -- ANYTHING ELSE
TO BE CUTE?

PRETEND LIKE YOU'RE TALL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU'RE NOT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU'RE NOT TALL
WHEN YOU'RE WEARING

YOUR -- YOU'RE WEARING
YOUR FAKE HEELS.

YOU -- IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW
THE AVERAGE WOMAN'S

5 1/2 INCHES SHORTER
THAN THE AVERAGE GUY.

YOU FORGET THAT 'CAUSE THEY WEAR
HEELS ALL THE TIME.

YOU THINK YOUR GIRL
IS LIKE AROUND YOUR HEIGHT,

UNTIL THE END OF THE NIGHT,
WHEN YOU GET HOME

AND REMEMBER HOW SHORT SHE IS
WHEN SHE TAKES HER SHOES OFF.

LIKE,
"WASN'T TONIGHT A FUN NIGHT?

"SUCH A FUN NIGHT.

WE SHOULD GO OUT TO THOSE BARS
MORE OFTEN."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"SUCH A FUN, FUN NIGHT."

"LOOK,
I'M GONNA GO TO THE BATHROOM

AND TAKE OUT 60% OF MY HAIR."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"AND WHEN I COME BACK,
WE NEED TO TALK

ABOUT YOU BEING MORE HONEST
WITH ME."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

CHICKEN CUTLET, CHICKEN CUTLET.

NOW...

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH, SO, FELLAS,
YOU KNOW, WE GOT TO EMPATHIZE.

EMPATHIZE WITH YOUR GIRL.
TELL HER SHE'S CUTE.

SHE'LL BE LIKE, "OH, I WASN'T
EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT."

SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT IT.
DON'T EVEN...

[ Singsong voice ] "SELFIE!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ Normal voice ]
AND THEN, LADIES,

WE NEED EMPATHY
IN A WHOLE NOTHER DIRECTION

'CAUSE I DON'T THINK
YOU UNDERSTAND

WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A DUDE.

'CAUSE I HAD A GIRL
RECENTLY ASK ME --

SHE GOES, "WHAT'S YOUR TYPE?"

I WAS LIKE,
"I DON'T REALLY HAVE A TYPE,"

AND SHE GOES, "WHY NOT?"

AND I GO, "UM,
'CAUSE I NEVER GET TO PICK."

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S NEVER UP TO THE GUY.

IT'S UP TO THE GIRL.
GIRLS ARE THE BUYERS.

MEN ARE THE SELLERS.

BASICALLY, ME AND EVERY GUY
IN HERE ARE PRETTY MUCH...

DICK SALESMEN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M A USEDDICK SALESMAN.

[ GRUNTING ]

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

NO PAYMENTS TILL JUNE.

[ GRUNTS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

LOW MILES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LEAKS A LITTLE BIT
IN THE SUMMER.

[ GRUNTS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

I JUST GOT TURNED DOWN BY
3 WOMEN IN LIKE 10 SECONDS.

AS A GUY, IT'S ABOUT AVERAGE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BASICALLY, A GUY'S ENTIRE LIFE
IS JUST LIKE [GRUNTING]

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN WE DIE.

THAT'S WHAT OUR LIFE IS.

A PARTY IS, BASICALLY,
A GUY'S LIKE [GRUNTS]

AND A GIRL'S LIKE,
"I'M FREEZING!"

[ GRUNTS ]

[ MOANS ]

[ GRUNTS ]

[ MOANS ]

[ GRUNTS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ LAUGHS ]

[ GRUNTING ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH, GUYS GET REJECTED
CONSTANTLY.

THAT'S THE THING. LIKE...

IT'S WHY WE CAN'T HAVE FEELINGS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S TOO MUCH --
TOO MUCH DICK TO SELL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

WOMEN HAVE FEELINGS,

WHICH IS WHY
YOU DON'T HANDLE REJECTION WELL.

WOMEN WILL HIT ON A GUY
LIKE ONCE EVERY TWO YEARS.

AND IF IT DOESN'T GO YOUR WAY,
YOU GET FURIOUS IMMEDIATELY.

YOU'LL BE LIKE, "HEY,
I KIND OF THINK YOU'RE CUTE,"

AND THE GUY WILL BE, "I'M GONNA
STAY WITH MY FRIENDS."

"YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE.
YOU KNOW THAT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S -- LADIES, 'CAUSE YOU DON'T
[SIGHS] YOU DON'T LIVE --

THIS IS WHERE WE NEED EMPATHY.

YOU DON'T LIVE
IN THE SEXUAL TYRANNY

THAT MEN LIVE UNDER
JUST CONSTANTLY.

[ GROWLING ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

MEN GET ERECTIONS IN OUR SLEEP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

BASICALLY, OUR BRAIN'S ARE LIKE,
"I'M GONNA GO TO BED,"

AND OUR DICKS ARE LIKE
"FUCK THAT, BRO.

I'M STAYING UP."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

BRO, YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN HERE

ALONE IN YOUR LOCKED HOUSE
AT 3:45 IN THE MORNING.

A GIRL COULD JUST COME
BUSTING THROUGH THE WALL,

KOOL-AID-MAN STYLE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

...DEMANDING SOME SEX.

I, FOR ONE, AM GONNA BE AWAKE
WHEN IT HAPPENS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]

UH, I'M IN THE MIDDLE
OF SOMETHING.

[ GRUNTS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH, IT'S HARD BEING A DUDE.

I DON'T THINK -- LIKE, I'LL --

SOMETIMES
I'LL HAVE A GIRL WITH ME,

AND OTHER GIRLS
WILL COME UP TO ME

AND BE LIKE, "YOU KNOW,

YOU COULD DO
SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT."

AND IT'S LIKE, "OH, I KNOW,
BUT I CAN'T TAKE THAT CHANCE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

AND GUYS WILL BE HATEFUL
IN A DIFFERENT WAY,

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
THEY'RE FELLOW SALESMEN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO IF I HAVE A GOOD-LOOKING GIRL
WITH ME,

THEY'LL BE LIKE, "DUDE, YOU KNOW
THAT GIRL'S ONLY WITH YOU

'CAUSE OF YOUR CAREER, RIGHT?"

AND I'LL BE LIKE, "UM,

YEAH, OF COURSE I KNOW THAT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHY DO YOU THINK
I HAVE A CAREER?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU THINK I'M GONNA RELY ON
MY BODY TO GET WOMEN?

NO. MY 18th BIRTHDAY,
I STOOD NAKED IN THE MIRROR,

AND I WAS LIKE,
"YOU BETTER WRITE SOME JOKES."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH, IT'S ALSO EXHAUSTING
BEING A GUY.

A GIRL SAID RECENTLY --
SHE GOES,

"I'M SO SICK
OF GUYS HITTING ON ME."

GREAT,
I'M SO SICK OF HITTING ON YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S BORING. IT'S SO --

YOU DON'T THINK
I HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING?

I KNOW IT'S TERRIBLE.
I'M THERE.

IT'S ALSO SO TIME-CONSUMING.

LIKE, I JUST WANT TO, LIKE,
RUN INTO THE STORE AND RUN OUT.

NEXT THING I KNOW,
I'M STUCK IN THE PARKING LOT,

LIKE, "HEY, MISS,
I LOVE YOUR BLOUSE.

"WHERE'D YOU GET IT?

"I PERSONALLY
DON'T GIVE A SHIT,

BUT MY DICK WANTED ME TO ASK."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"ALSO,
HE WANTED ME TO SAY [GRUNTS]"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

BE GAY!

THEY TELL ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

I'D LOVE TO BE GAY!

SEXUALLY, THEY KNOW
HOW TO TREAT A GUY OVER THERE.

A GAY CLUB IS BASICALLY ONE
GROUP OF GUYS LIKE [GRUNTS]

THEN ANOTHER GROUP OF GUYS
LIKE [GRUNTING]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

[ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

LIKE, GENDER-WISE,
THERE ARE MASSIVE DIFFERENCES

WHEN IT COMES TO SEX.

THAT'S WHY WOMEN DATE GUYS --
IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE EMOTIONAL

THAT YOU CAN DATE GUYS THAT ARE
LOCKED UP OF IN THE MILITARY.

FIRST OF ALL, I THINK YOU LIKE
DATING GATES THAT ARE LOCKED UP,

'CAUSE YOU LIKE KNOWING
WHERE HE IS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

WHERE YOU BE LIKE,
"HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME,

BUT THE STATE WON'T LET HIM."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND, FELLAS,
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

"LOCKED UP?
WELL, WHAT ABOUT SEX?"

THEY DON'T NEED US FOR SEX,
DUMMY.

YOU THINK
YOU CAN PLEASE YOUR WOMAN

MORE THAN SHE CAN PLEASE HERSELF
TO THE IDEAOF YOU?

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH HOTTER YOU ARE
IN HER HEAD

THAN YOU ARE IN REAL LIFE?
[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW,
YOU'LL LOOK AT YOUR GIRL,

AND BE LIKE,
"WHY IS SHE DATING?"

SHE'S NOT DATING.

SHE'S DATING A WAY HOTTER YOU
IN HER HEAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALSO, A WOMAN'S
SEXUAL-FANTASY WORLD IS BANANAS.

EVERY TIME
A WOMAN PLEASURES HERSELF,

SHE MAKES

LIKE A HUNDRED-MILLION-DOLLAR
EPIC MOVIE IN HER HEAD.

DOZENS OF HORSES AND CARRIAGES,
IT'S THUNDERSTORMING,

THOUSANDS OF EXTRAS
IN PERIOD GARB.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S WHY GUYS, WE GOT BAD
SEXUAL IMAGINATIONS,

WHICH IS WHY, LIKE,
WE NEED A WOMAN OR PORN.

'CAUSE IF WE DON'T HAVE
A WOMAN OR PORN,

WE'RE FUCKED.
[ LAUGHTER ]

'CAUSE ALL WE CAN COME UP WITH
ON OUR OWN

IS, LIKE, A PERSON AND A PLACE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO THEY'RE LIKE, "I'M GONNA HAVE
SEX WITH ANGELINA JOLIE

IN MY BASEMENT.
[ GRUNTING ]"

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, A GIRL ASKED ME -- SHE'S
GOES, "WHY, WHEN GUYS JERK OFF,

"DO THEY ALWAYS BEND OVER
LIKE THAT?

IT'S SO CREEPY."

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH,
BUT IT'S NOT NEARLY AS CREEPY

AS NOTBENDING OVER
AND JERKING OFF."

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS, LIKE, SOME NAZI SHIT,
RIGHT HERE, LIKE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHAT HAVE WE HERE?
[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

SO, LADIES, UM,

SIZE?
DOES SIZE MATTER?

[ CROWD CHEERS ]
YEAH?

[ GRUNTS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LADIES, I ALWAYS HEARD
IT'S NOT HOW BIG YOU ARE.

I HEAR
IT'S WHAT YOU DO WITH IT.

SO WHAT I THOUGHT I WOULD DO
TONIGHT

IS GIVE YOU LADIES
A BRIEF SYNOPSIS

OF WHAT I DO WITH IT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SUGAR?

-Amy: AMY.
-Brennan: AMY?

-Amy: AMY.
-Brennan: AMY.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL, EXOTIC NAME.
[ CHUCKLES ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

AMY, HERE'S A BRIEF SYNOPSIS
OF WHAT I DO WITH IT.

AMY, FIRST, I WILL GET IT ERECT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEN, AMY,
I WILL STICK IT IN YOUR VAGINA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE END.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

AND THAT, LADIES,
IS HOW I WORK MAG ON YOUR VAG.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

GUYS ARE FUNNY ABOUT SEX,

'CAUSE WE ACT LIKE WE DON'T CARE
ABOUT GIVING GIRLS ORGASMS,

BUT WE DO CARE,

AND YOU CAN TELL THAT GUYS CARE
BY OUR SEX STORIES.

DO YOU EVER HEAR
A GUY'S SEX STORIES?

THEY'RE ALL EXAGGERATED,
BLOWN OUT OF PROPORTION.

EVEN THE WORDS ARE EXAGGERATED.

I SAW MY BUDDY MIKE TODAY.

HE GOES, "YEAH, DUDE, I WAS WITH
THIS GIRL LAST NIGHT, RIGHT?

SO I WHIPPED IT OUT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YEAH, MIKE,
DID YOU WHIPIT OUT?

YOU WHIPPED IT OUT, HUH?"

NO, "WHIP" IS THE RIGHT WORD

WHEN A PENIS
IS 7 1/2 FEET LONG...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...AND IT'S GOT A WOODEN HANDLE
AT THE BASE.

AND EVERY TIME I TAKE IT OUT,
I DO SAY, "HYAH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

Wshoo! Wshoo!

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHIP" MAKES ME LAUGH.

THE OTHER PHRASE THE GUYS USE
THAT MAKES ME LAUGH

IS, "YEAH, THEN I BLEW MY LOAD."

[ LAUGHTER ]

DID YOU BLOW YOUR LOAD,

OR DID A QUARTER-OUNCE OF GOO
COME DRIBBLING OUT OF YOUR DICK?

[ LAUGHTER ]

DID IT GO "POW!"

OR DID IT GO...
♪ BOO-BOO? ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

I THINK I KNOW.

I THINK IT WENT
♪ BOO-BOO ♪

"YEAH, I BLEW MY LOAD.

"THEN, THERE WAS,
LIKE, AN EXPLOSION

AND, LIKE, A ROCKSLIDE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

A LOT OF GUYS DIED
DOWN HERE IN THE VALLEY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY HAD TO SHUT DOWN
THE INTERSTATE.

THE SHERIFF SAID HE'S NEVER SEEN
CARNAGE QUITE LIKE THAT BEFORE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY'RE GONNA DO
A BENEFIT CONCERT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

JOHN MAYER IS SCHEDULED TO PLAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LISTEN TO ME, LADIES.

IF YOU'RE GONNA FAKE
AN ORGASM...

YOU GOT TO SELL IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SERIOUSLY, YOU GOT TO SELL IT,

'CAUSE I WAS WITH A GIRL
RECENTLY WHO WAS CLEARLY FAKING.

PUT ABSOLUTELY NO EFFORT
INTO IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH, SHE JUST WENT,
"AH, ORGASM."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"REALLY, DON'T WANT TO SHAKE
YOUR LEG OR ANYTHING, NO?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHAT AM I PAYING YOU FOR?"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ MOUTHING WORDS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

WHAT KIND OF GIRLS
DO I LIKE TO SLEEP WITH?

GREAT QUESTION, GUYS.

THANKS FOR ASKING.

UM...
I DON'T LIKE THEM TOO YOUNG.

I DON'T LIKE THEM TOO OLD.

TOO YOUNG -- 18, 19, 20 --
GIRLS THAT AGE

DON'T REALLY KNOW THEIR BODIES
THAT WELL,

SO THEY'RE TRYING TO ACT
LIKE THEY'RE HAVING FUN,

BUT YOU KIND OF TELL
BY THE NOISES THEY'RE MAKING,

THEY'RE NOT.

THEY'RE LIKE, "YEAH!"

YOU'RE LIKE,
"THAT'S NOT CONVINCING."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN GIRLS
IN THEIR LATE 30s, EARLY 40s,

YOU KNOW YOUR BODIES TOOWELL.

SO IT'S BASICALLY LIKE
WE'RE JUST...

WORKING FOR YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHERE YOU'RE LIKE,
"ALL RIGHT, YOUNG MAN,

"GO AHEAD AND HOP ON THERE
REAL QUICK.

"WHY DON'T YOU START ME OFF
WITH 15 OR 16 GOOD PUMPS?

LET ME SEE
WHAT I'M DEALING WITH?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THAT'S FINE.

LOOK, I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR RIGHT
HAND, PUT IT ON MY LEFT BREAST."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOUNG MAN,
GO AHEAD AND KISS MY NECK.

"AND KISS IT AGAIN.
AND PULL MY HAIR.

I JUST CAME TWICE.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

69-ING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THESE LADIES UP FRONT HAVE BEEN
GIVING ME A VIBE ALL NIGHT,

WHICH IS, "NEAL..."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"NEAL,
ARE YOU GONNA TALK ABOUT IT?"

YEAH, I'M GONNA TALK
ABOUT 69-ING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DO PEOPLE STILL 69,

OR IS THAT SHIT
LIKE ROLLERBLADING,

WHERE IT'S KIND OF NOT...

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

I WOULD DO IT MORE OFTEN.
IT'S JUST TOO HARD.

69 TAKES SO MUCH FOCUS,
CONCENTRATION.

YOU'RE, LIKE, GIVING
AND RECEIVING.

YOU'RE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE.

69-ING IS LIKE THIS SHIT.
LIKE...

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

I THINK ABOUT 69-ING A LOT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MAYBE TOO MUCH.

HERE'S WHAT I'VE COME TO.

ALL RIGHT, THE PEOPLE
WHO INVENTED 69-ING...

WERE THEY IN A HURRY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

DO YOU FOLLOW ME?

LIKE,
"WE'RE LATE FOR THE THEATER,

BUT WE BOTH REALLY NEED
SOME HEAD."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I THINK I HAVE A PLAN.
TO THE BATCAVE!"

[ IMITATES CHORD ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

OR [SIGHS] WAS 69-ING
INVENTED...

BY AN OLD WHITE-TRASH COUPLE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

...WHO NO LONGER TRUSTED
EACH OTHER?

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU FOLLOW ME?

LIKE,
"EVERY TIME I GO DOWN ON YOU,

YOU HAVE AN ORGASM
AND PASS OUT."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"SO GUESS WHAT,
YOU SON OF A BITCH?

TONIGHT, WE'RE DOING IT
AT THE SAME TIME."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"ON MY COMMAND, 3, 2, 1, MUNCH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU GUYS, I GOT TO GO.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE ]

Man: ♪ UNH ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE ]

♪ A'IGHT ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE ]