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Previously on
Two and a Half Men:Larry, where can I
2
00:00:04,874 --> 00:00:05,962
put this poop?This is my sister Gretchen.
She just moved here.
3
00:00:06,049 --> 00:00:07,616
Gretchen, this is
Jeff Strongman.
4
00:00:07,703 --> 00:00:08,834
Larry and Lyndsey are in
Palm Springs for the weekend.
5
00:00:08,921 --> 00:00:11,620
You want to...
come inside?
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00:00:11,707 --> 00:00:13,056
That's what she said!That's what she said!
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00:00:14,144 --> 00:00:16,059
No, I really like Gretchen.
8
00:00:16,146 --> 00:00:17,756
I can't do this.
9
00:00:17,843 --> 00:00:18,844
Jeff Strongman can't.
10
00:00:18,931 --> 00:00:21,021
But Alan Harper can.
11
00:00:21,108 --> 00:00:22,196
Works for me.
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00:00:25,460 --> 00:00:26,548
♪ Men♪
13
00:00:26,635 --> 00:00:27,810
[computer dings]
14
00:00:27,897 --> 00:00:29,290
Oh, ho, ho, boy.
15
00:00:29,377 --> 00:00:30,508
What?
16
00:00:30,595 --> 00:00:32,554
Just got an interesting e-mail.
17
00:00:32,641 --> 00:00:34,425
If it says, "Local horny
housewives looking for action,"
18
00:00:34,512 --> 00:00:36,906
it's a lie.
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00:00:36,993 --> 00:00:40,736
It should say, "Local police
entrapping confused citizens."
20
00:00:40,823 --> 00:00:42,042
It's an Evite from Kate.
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00:00:42,129 --> 00:00:45,393
She's opening a boutique in LA.
22
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:46,524
Who's Kate?
23
00:00:46,611 --> 00:00:47,482
Eh, it's a long story.
24
00:00:47,569 --> 00:00:49,875
It's not that long.
25
00:00:49,962 --> 00:00:52,400
Kate was the great love
of Walden's life
26
00:00:52,487 --> 00:00:53,836
who he met
by pretending he was poor.
27
00:00:53,923 --> 00:00:55,446
But by the time
he told her the truth,
28
00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:56,752
she'd become a successful
clothing designer
29
00:00:56,839 --> 00:00:58,362
and moved to China.
30
00:00:58,449 --> 00:00:59,624
At first they e-mailed
frequently but...
31
00:00:59,711 --> 00:01:01,887
you know,
it tapered off over time.
32
00:01:01,974 --> 00:01:03,672
Now he just uses
Google Earth to try to look
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00:01:03,759 --> 00:01:05,848
in her bedroom window, but
the image hasn't refreshed
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00:01:05,935 --> 00:01:08,068
in months, so he just stares
for hours at this picture
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00:01:08,155 --> 00:01:11,071
of this Hong Kong cab driver
named Bai Ling, it's...
36
00:01:12,811 --> 00:01:14,944
I never told you any of that.
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00:01:15,031 --> 00:01:16,511
Well, it's kind of
my job to know
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00:01:16,598 --> 00:01:17,338
the ins and outs of your life.
39
00:01:17,425 --> 00:01:19,427
No, it's not.
40
00:01:19,514 --> 00:01:20,863
Look, if you don't
want me know this stuff,
41
00:01:20,950 --> 00:01:22,691
come up with
a harder password than
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00:01:22,778 --> 00:01:23,996
"QD-backslash-seven-two-dollar
symbol-big-C-little-K."
43
00:01:26,303 --> 00:01:29,698
Look, she-she says,
"I hope to see ya."
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00:01:29,785 --> 00:01:31,221
That's good, right?
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00:01:31,308 --> 00:01:34,137
Is it "ya," Y-A,
46
00:01:34,224 --> 00:01:35,138
or "you," Y-O-U?
47
00:01:37,271 --> 00:01:38,228
"Ya." Y-A.
48
00:01:38,315 --> 00:01:39,795
Ehh.
Mm.
49
00:01:39,882 --> 00:01:41,536
Why ehh?
She hopes I can make it.
50
00:01:41,623 --> 00:01:43,755
I say "ya" when I want
to blow somebody off.
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00:01:43,842 --> 00:01:44,800
See ya.
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00:01:44,887 --> 00:01:46,280
Call ya.
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00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:48,195
I have "chlamydi-ya."
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00:01:49,631 --> 00:01:50,893
She's right.
55
00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:52,808
Get out of here, "ya freak."
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00:01:52,895 --> 00:01:55,376
Never done this before,
have "ya"?
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00:01:55,463 --> 00:01:58,205
I'm your cousin,
what's wrong with...
58
00:01:58,292 --> 00:02:00,555
"ya"?
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00:02:00,642 --> 00:02:02,992
It doesn't matter
whether it's you or ya.
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00:02:03,079 --> 00:02:05,125
The important thing
is she wants me to go.
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00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:06,517
On the other hand,
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00:02:06,604 --> 00:02:08,258
it could be a mass e-mail.
63
00:02:08,345 --> 00:02:10,608
I'd hate to show up
and have her talking to some guy
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00:02:10,695 --> 00:02:12,523
named Jacques or Filippo.
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00:02:12,610 --> 00:02:14,351
Okay, those names
are awesome.
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00:02:14,438 --> 00:02:16,310
Hi, it's-a me, Filippo.
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00:02:16,397 --> 00:02:20,140
I live with my mother but it's-a
not weird 'cause I'm Italian.
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00:02:21,619 --> 00:02:22,533
Maybe I'm wrong.
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00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:23,360
Just go and see.
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00:02:23,447 --> 00:02:24,144
And Filippo...
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00:02:24,231 --> 00:02:26,711
your fly's open.
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00:02:28,322 --> 00:02:29,497
Scusi.
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00:02:31,194 --> 00:02:33,588
Hey.
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00:02:33,675 --> 00:02:34,937
Is that your stuff?
75
00:02:35,024 --> 00:02:35,894
Is it... h-happening?
76
00:02:35,981 --> 00:02:37,331
Are you moving out?
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00:02:37,418 --> 00:02:38,419
You're cute. I'm not leaving
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00:02:38,506 --> 00:02:42,292
till I'min a box.
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00:02:42,379 --> 00:02:44,555
No, I, uh, I dug out
all our old board games
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00:02:44,642 --> 00:02:46,166
for my couples night with Larry.
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00:02:46,253 --> 00:02:48,168
You know, Monopoly,
Parcheesi, Clue.
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00:02:48,255 --> 00:02:50,257
Wow, first you have sex
with this guy's girlfriend,
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00:02:50,344 --> 00:02:52,215
now you're having sex
with his sister?
84
00:02:52,302 --> 00:02:55,914
I'm going with Larry, in the
living room, with the lead pipe.
85
00:02:56,001 --> 00:02:57,525
Larry actually wants us
to spend more time together
86
00:02:57,612 --> 00:02:59,004
now that I'm dating Gretchen.
87
00:02:59,091 --> 00:03:01,746
How's Lyndsey
taking you moving on?
88
00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:04,967
Pretty well. Uh, last night
she said, "I still want you."
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00:03:05,054 --> 00:03:06,011
[gasps] "You."
"You."
90
00:03:06,098 --> 00:03:08,927
I heard him, I heard him.
91
00:03:09,014 --> 00:03:11,713
♪ Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men ♪
92
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:14,846
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
93
00:03:18,546 --> 00:03:21,984
♪ Men.♪Uh, it's a movie.
94
00:03:22,071 --> 00:03:23,115
West Side Story.
95
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,291
Ah, ding, ding, ding, ding.
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00:03:24,378 --> 00:03:25,466
We have a winner.[whoops]
97
00:03:25,553 --> 00:03:27,250
How the hell
did you get that?
98
00:03:27,337 --> 00:03:29,513
Oh, you know, fin,
shark, Sharks and Jets,
99
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:32,081
and I know how my Jeffy
loves his musicals.[laughs]
100
00:03:32,168 --> 00:03:33,822
My favorite musical
is My Fair Lady'cause
101
00:03:33,909 --> 00:03:36,433
it reminds me
of my Gretchie.Aw.
102
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,043
I think I'm gonna wretchie.
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00:03:39,262 --> 00:03:41,308
You guys are tough.
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00:03:41,395 --> 00:03:42,396
Well, it's like
I can read her mind.I think it.
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00:03:42,483 --> 00:03:43,571
And I say it.
Well...
106
00:03:43,658 --> 00:03:45,703
Larry and I are the same way.
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00:03:45,790 --> 00:03:46,617
Watch. It's a movie.
108
00:03:48,489 --> 00:03:50,534
A duck. A beak. A duck.
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00:03:50,621 --> 00:03:51,622
Flying ducks. Uh...
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00:03:51,709 --> 00:03:53,407
Duck's ahoy. Donald Duck.
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00:03:53,494 --> 00:03:56,279
Daffy Duck. Duck and cover.
112
00:03:56,366 --> 00:03:58,499
Duck, duck, goose.
Duck Dynasty. Mighty Ducks.
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00:04:00,544 --> 00:04:01,502
Mighty Ducks 2.
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00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:03,504
Mighty Ducks 3.
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00:04:03,591 --> 00:04:04,548
It's not a duck.
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00:04:06,855 --> 00:04:08,422
Aflac.
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00:04:08,509 --> 00:04:11,294
Ben Affleck.
118
00:04:11,381 --> 00:04:12,034
Good Will Hunting.
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00:04:12,121 --> 00:04:13,427
Hunting ducks.
120
00:04:13,514 --> 00:04:14,558
Ducky, from Pretty in Pink.
121
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,694
It's The Wizard of Oz.
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00:04:19,781 --> 00:04:22,349
There's no duck
in The Wizard of Oz.
123
00:04:22,436 --> 00:04:24,351
What the duck is wrong with you?
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00:04:25,569 --> 00:04:26,962
I need a drink.
125
00:04:27,049 --> 00:04:30,313
Uh, anyone else want
a refill? Gretchen?
126
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:31,836
Why don't you just
read her mind?
127
00:04:31,923 --> 00:04:33,882
Oh, okay, um...
128
00:04:33,969 --> 00:04:35,187
Sex on the beach.
129
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,320
[laughs]
And not the drink.
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00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:41,542
Looks like my fairlady
is more like my naughtylady.
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00:04:41,629 --> 00:04:43,805
Can you guess what
I'm thinking, Lyndsey?
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00:04:43,892 --> 00:04:45,720
Ducks.
133
00:04:45,807 --> 00:04:47,765
Whoa, that is spooky.
134
00:04:47,852 --> 00:04:49,811
♪ Men.♪
135
00:04:50,638 --> 00:04:52,814
Lyndsey!
136
00:04:52,901 --> 00:04:54,424
Hey, Alan.
137
00:04:54,511 --> 00:04:55,947
Let's see if you
can read my mind.
138
00:04:56,034 --> 00:04:58,602
I'll give you a hint:
it rhymes with duck.
139
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,824
Oh, oh, I'm-I'm not sure
that's a good idea.
140
00:05:02,911 --> 00:05:04,739
I just came in
for a little dessert.
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00:05:04,826 --> 00:05:08,699
Okay, uh, well, there's, uh,
there's pie, there's cake,
142
00:05:08,786 --> 00:05:11,876
there's [shudders]:
gluten-free cookies.
143
00:05:11,963 --> 00:05:13,748
Hey, Jeff?
144
00:05:15,445 --> 00:05:16,968
Lyndsey?
145
00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:18,927
Hey, hey, how did I get here?
146
00:05:19,014 --> 00:05:19,884
Am I sleepwalking?
147
00:05:19,971 --> 00:05:22,409
Lyndsey?!
148
00:05:22,496 --> 00:05:23,888
Thi-This isn't
what it looks like.
149
00:05:23,975 --> 00:05:25,281
It looks like you're cheating.
150
00:05:25,368 --> 00:05:27,501
O-Okay, I-I can explain,
thi-thi... uh...
151
00:05:27,588 --> 00:05:28,545
I'm not stupid.
I know what's going on.
152
00:05:31,374 --> 00:05:32,680
You're never gonna fit
in that wedding dress
153
00:05:32,767 --> 00:05:34,334
if you keep cheating
on your diet.
154
00:05:36,118 --> 00:05:36,858
Yes, the-the-the diet.
155
00:05:36,945 --> 00:05:39,295
He's not stupid.
156
00:05:39,382 --> 00:05:40,862
You're right, honey.
I am weak.
157
00:05:40,949 --> 00:05:43,212
I-I... This is all
my fault, Larry.
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00:05:43,299 --> 00:05:45,083
As best man, it's my job
to make sure that
159
00:05:45,170 --> 00:05:47,564
nothing goes into her mouth
that shouldn't be there.
160
00:05:47,651 --> 00:05:50,350
Exactly.
You can't let her blow it.
161
00:05:55,224 --> 00:05:57,182
♪ Men.♪
162
00:05:57,269 --> 00:05:58,575
Oh, my God.
I'm so nervous.
163
00:05:58,662 --> 00:06:00,838
Do I look nervous?
164
00:06:00,925 --> 00:06:01,578
I don't want to be
nervous... [hacks]
165
00:06:03,841 --> 00:06:05,582
Dry mouth,
it's... [hacks]
166
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:10,065
Is that weird? I don't want
to be weird. Am I weird?
167
00:06:13,547 --> 00:06:14,809
There she is.
168
00:06:14,896 --> 00:06:16,201
[hacks]
169
00:06:17,725 --> 00:06:18,900
Hi, handsome.
170
00:06:18,987 --> 00:06:20,815
Hey, bring it in.
[laughs]
171
00:06:20,902 --> 00:06:22,077
Oh, wow!
172
00:06:22,164 --> 00:06:23,774
I-I forgot how
beautiful you are.
173
00:06:23,861 --> 00:06:25,820
That's a lie.
174
00:06:25,907 --> 00:06:27,212
I think about it every day.
175
00:06:27,299 --> 00:06:28,562
You look beautiful, too.
176
00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:30,172
Thank you. I'm using
a new seaweed scrub.
177
00:06:30,259 --> 00:06:33,262
It makes me smell like
dead fish, but I get a glow.
178
00:06:33,349 --> 00:06:34,176
This is Barry and Jenny.
179
00:06:34,263 --> 00:06:37,092
Uh, they're my...
180
00:06:37,179 --> 00:06:40,051
new Alans.Oh. Hi, it's nice
to meet you.
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00:06:40,138 --> 00:06:41,792
You, too.
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00:06:41,879 --> 00:06:43,490
You look different than
your satellite photos.
183
00:06:43,577 --> 00:06:45,622
Whoa, Barry.Can you hang on
one second?
184
00:06:45,709 --> 00:06:48,233
I just have to say good-bye
to this magazine editor.Uh, yeah, sure.
185
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:49,583
Okay, I'll be right back.Okay.
186
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:51,062
Oh, uh, uh, if you
can't find me,
187
00:06:51,149 --> 00:06:53,021
just follow
the smell of dead fish.
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00:06:53,108 --> 00:06:54,849
Oh, my God, if I die tonight,
that's gonna be
189
00:06:54,936 --> 00:06:56,677
the last thing
she remembers me saying.
190
00:06:56,764 --> 00:06:57,895
[hacks]
191
00:07:00,637 --> 00:07:02,247
Would you just relax?
192
00:07:02,334 --> 00:07:04,380
She's obviously into you.
I mean,
193
00:07:04,467 --> 00:07:06,730
she looks at you
the way that...
194
00:07:06,817 --> 00:07:07,862
he looks at me.
195
00:07:07,949 --> 00:07:11,169
Like... she wants to eat me?
196
00:07:11,256 --> 00:07:12,910
Exactly.
197
00:07:12,997 --> 00:07:14,259
Barry, when I said,
"bite me,"
198
00:07:14,346 --> 00:07:15,826
it didn't mean
what you think it means.
199
00:07:18,176 --> 00:07:19,917
Just-Just ask her out.
200
00:07:20,004 --> 00:07:21,266
What... And then what?
Then she goes back to China,
201
00:07:21,353 --> 00:07:23,138
and I get left
heartbroken again?
202
00:07:23,225 --> 00:07:24,966
Think about it this way:
203
00:07:25,053 --> 00:07:26,968
You can either spend the next
two days hanging out with her
204
00:07:27,055 --> 00:07:30,711
or the next two days
hanging out with us.
205
00:07:30,798 --> 00:07:33,365
Kate...?
206
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:34,628
Come on, Barry.
207
00:07:34,715 --> 00:07:36,543
Let's get drunk
and grope models.
208
00:07:38,762 --> 00:07:39,850
That's nice.
209
00:07:39,937 --> 00:07:41,896
Oh...!
210
00:07:44,289 --> 00:07:45,943
What... Walden? Sorry.
211
00:07:46,030 --> 00:07:49,033
I... [chuckles]
So my date's a little tipsy.
212
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,992
Don't worry, she's not driving.
213
00:07:52,254 --> 00:07:54,996
Hey, do you want to go out?
214
00:07:55,083 --> 00:07:57,868
I don't know, for-for
dinner or something?
215
00:07:57,955 --> 00:08:01,655
I mean, no pressure. Just
two old friends catching up.
216
00:08:01,742 --> 00:08:04,309
Yeah.
Two old friends who've...
217
00:08:04,396 --> 00:08:05,876
taken pictures
of each other naked.
218
00:08:05,963 --> 00:08:07,704
I don't know what
you're talking about.
219
00:08:07,791 --> 00:08:10,272
I deleted those photos.I didn't.
220
00:08:10,359 --> 00:08:11,926
Me neither.[laughs]
221
00:08:12,013 --> 00:08:15,103
Well, I do want to hear
what's been going on.
222
00:08:15,190 --> 00:08:16,844
I've got so much to tell you.
223
00:08:16,931 --> 00:08:18,410
So let's-let's do it.
224
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,238
Okay. Dinner.
225
00:08:20,325 --> 00:08:22,153
Conversation. No sex.
226
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,808
Get rid of the conversation and
we can pretend we're married.
227
00:08:24,895 --> 00:08:26,810
[laughs]♪ Men.♪
228
00:08:26,897 --> 00:08:29,247
Well, thanks again.
This was fun.
229
00:08:29,334 --> 00:08:30,771
I'm gonna walk Jeff out.
230
00:08:30,858 --> 00:08:32,207
Oh, right, you guys
probably want some privacy
231
00:08:32,294 --> 00:08:33,904
so you can play tonsil hockey.
232
00:08:34,862 --> 00:08:37,168
Seriously, Larry?
233
00:08:37,255 --> 00:08:38,735
What? It's not like we
don't know they're having sex.
234
00:08:38,822 --> 00:08:40,389
Remember the other night
when I was like,
235
00:08:40,476 --> 00:08:42,304
"Wow, they're really
going at it," and you were like,
236
00:08:42,391 --> 00:08:44,175
"Larry," and I was like,
"What?," and you were like
237
00:08:44,262 --> 00:08:46,177
"Focus on me," and I was like,
"Why? I already finished,"
238
00:08:46,264 --> 00:08:48,397
and you were like...I remember.
239
00:08:50,007 --> 00:08:52,619
Why don't I get
the door for you?
240
00:08:52,706 --> 00:08:54,534
Well, uh, once again,
we had a lovely
241
00:08:54,621 --> 00:08:54,969
Yeah, yeah, see ya.evening, it was
a very nice...
242
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,452
Wow. That was
uncomfortable.
243
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,716
I think Lyndsey's
tired of having me around.
244
00:09:02,803 --> 00:09:03,804
I've been living
in the guest room for two weeks.
245
00:09:03,891 --> 00:09:06,676
Doesn't seem so long to me.
246
00:09:06,763 --> 00:09:07,851
Hey, how about tomorrow night,
we go to your place?
247
00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:10,637
Uh, my place?
248
00:09:10,724 --> 00:09:13,465
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
Oh, oh, but, uh,
249
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:14,858
but what about Larry? I mean,
he-he seems to really enjoy
250
00:09:14,945 --> 00:09:17,252
hearing us have sex.
251
00:09:17,339 --> 00:09:20,385
Jeff, do you not want me
to see your place?
252
00:09:20,472 --> 00:09:22,692
I mean, If you're worried about
getting rid of your porn, don't.
253
00:09:22,779 --> 00:09:23,954
I love porn.
254
00:09:24,041 --> 00:09:26,000
You're perfect.
255
00:09:26,087 --> 00:09:27,567
Did someone make you in the lab
256
00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:28,916
or were you sent
directly from Heaven?
257
00:09:29,003 --> 00:09:29,917
That's me.
258
00:09:30,004 --> 00:09:31,440
I am a robot angel
259
00:09:31,527 --> 00:09:34,791
who loves masturbating
to pornography.
260
00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:35,879
My place it is.
Tomorrow night.
261
00:09:35,966 --> 00:09:37,881
Great.
262
00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:40,841
I can't wait to see
what your place looks like.
263
00:09:40,928 --> 00:09:41,885
[chuckles]
264
00:09:41,972 --> 00:09:44,061
[door closes]
265
00:09:44,148 --> 00:09:47,151
Neither can I.
266
00:09:47,238 --> 00:09:50,067
♪ Men.♪
267
00:09:50,154 --> 00:09:53,070
Mm! Oh, uh, quick, Barry,
call the police.
268
00:09:53,157 --> 00:09:56,813
A male model is robbing us and
he's already stolen my heart.
269
00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:58,467
What do you want?
270
00:09:58,554 --> 00:10:01,209
My heart back.
271
00:10:01,296 --> 00:10:03,515
Also, uh, Gretchen
is coming over tonight.
272
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:04,995
Why?
273
00:10:05,082 --> 00:10:08,259
She wants to see
Jeff Strongman's place.
274
00:10:08,346 --> 00:10:11,480
This isn't even
Alan Harper's place.
275
00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:13,656
Ooh, "Alan Harper's Place."
That's a...
276
00:10:13,743 --> 00:10:15,310
That's a good name
for a sitcom.
277
00:10:15,397 --> 00:10:16,790
Alan Harper's Place
278
00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:19,749
is filmed before
a live studio audience.
279
00:10:19,836 --> 00:10:21,316
That's funny. Anyway...
280
00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:24,493
just while she's here,
just call me Jeff.
281
00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:27,017
Or Mr. Strongman, J-Dawg,
you know, whatever.
282
00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:28,715
Just have fun with it.
283
00:10:28,802 --> 00:10:30,804
Okay, I'm gonna go
on my date now.
284
00:10:30,891 --> 00:10:32,849
And when I get back,
I don't want to see Gretchen
285
00:10:32,936 --> 00:10:36,505
or Jeff or J-Dawg
286
00:10:36,592 --> 00:10:39,160
or DJ Strongman.
287
00:10:39,247 --> 00:10:40,944
[chuckles]
Word.
288
00:10:41,031 --> 00:10:42,990
Yeah. You know, in fact,
I don't even want to see Alan
289
00:10:43,077 --> 00:10:47,168
or A-Dawg or any of the cast
of Alan Harper's Place.
290
00:10:48,604 --> 00:10:50,040
You know...
291
00:10:50,127 --> 00:10:51,868
if I had a place to sleep here,
292
00:10:51,955 --> 00:10:54,305
my apartment would be free.
293
00:10:54,392 --> 00:10:57,700
You had me at "free."
294
00:10:57,787 --> 00:10:59,310
♪ Men.♪
295
00:10:59,397 --> 00:11:01,617
So, have you traveled
around China at all?
296
00:11:01,704 --> 00:11:02,444
Did you get to
see the Great Wall?
297
00:11:02,531 --> 00:11:03,271
Yeah, I saw it.
298
00:11:03,358 --> 00:11:04,185
It's a good wall.
299
00:11:04,272 --> 00:11:06,230
It's not great.
300
00:11:06,317 --> 00:11:08,624
I felt the same way
about the Grand Canyon.
301
00:11:08,711 --> 00:11:10,365
More like the Bland Canyon.
302
00:11:10,452 --> 00:11:12,846
[laughs]
I'm glad we came back here.
303
00:11:12,933 --> 00:11:14,586
I thought it was appropriate
to come back to the place
304
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:15,675
we had our first date.
305
00:11:15,762 --> 00:11:17,285
Yeah, it's very sweet.
306
00:11:17,372 --> 00:11:19,113
Of course, that's when I thought
you were poor.
307
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:20,767
Now you're just cheap.
308
00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:22,899
Well, I figured
since we're not having sex,
309
00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:25,075
why bother spending a lot
of money on dinner?
310
00:11:25,162 --> 00:11:28,862
Tonight just kind of
feels right, you know?
311
00:11:28,949 --> 00:11:30,254
Totally. And, honestly,
312
00:11:30,341 --> 00:11:31,908
the no sex thing
isn't weird at all.
313
00:11:31,995 --> 00:11:34,128
I didn't even have
to shave my legs.
314
00:11:34,215 --> 00:11:37,566
I did, but that was more
of a personal choice.[laughs]
315
00:11:37,653 --> 00:11:39,916
It's like friends
with no benefits.
316
00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:41,962
Yeah, I actually
kind of prefer it.
317
00:11:42,049 --> 00:11:44,051
I mean, there's no pressure.No nerves.
318
00:11:44,138 --> 00:11:44,878
No walk of shame.
319
00:11:44,965 --> 00:11:47,402
No massages.
320
00:11:47,489 --> 00:11:49,926
No... hot oil.
321
00:11:50,013 --> 00:11:51,885
No kisses on my neck.
322
00:11:51,972 --> 00:11:55,627
No fingers running
down my spine.
323
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,108
No orgasms.
324
00:11:58,195 --> 00:12:01,808
No idea why we're not
having sex right now.
325
00:12:01,895 --> 00:12:02,983
I'll race you to the car.I'm right behind you.
326
00:12:03,070 --> 00:12:06,508
♪ Men.♪
327
00:12:10,468 --> 00:12:12,427
♪ Men.♪
328
00:12:12,514 --> 00:12:15,430
Oh, God, I've been waiting
a year for this.
329
00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:16,910
It feels so great
to be with you again.
330
00:12:16,997 --> 00:12:19,260
Uh-uh-uh.
That's against the rules.
331
00:12:19,347 --> 00:12:20,696
No feelings.
332
00:12:20,783 --> 00:12:22,306
So you don't want me
to feel this?
333
00:12:22,393 --> 00:12:23,786
[gasps]
334
00:12:23,873 --> 00:12:26,354
Apparently,
the rules can be bent.
335
00:12:26,441 --> 00:12:28,443
And straightened.
[chuckles]
336
00:12:28,530 --> 00:12:30,140
[moaning]
337
00:12:30,227 --> 00:12:32,186
[stomach gurgles]
338
00:12:34,928 --> 00:12:36,407
Was that... you or me?
339
00:12:36,494 --> 00:12:38,366
Girls don't make sounds
like that, Walden.
340
00:12:38,453 --> 00:12:39,715
Oh. Mm.
341
00:12:39,802 --> 00:12:43,980
[moaning][stomach gurgles]
342
00:12:44,067 --> 00:12:45,852
That was you!
343
00:12:48,115 --> 00:12:49,899
[retching, vomiting]
344
00:12:52,641 --> 00:12:55,600
Did I make it to the toilet?
345
00:12:58,342 --> 00:13:00,867
♪ Men.♪
346
00:13:04,131 --> 00:13:05,480
Oh, this is
a cute place.
347
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:07,395
Yeah, it really is cute,
isn't it?
348
00:13:07,482 --> 00:13:10,659
I really like
what I've done with it.
349
00:13:10,746 --> 00:13:12,182
[cat meows]
350
00:13:12,269 --> 00:13:13,793
Oh, and you have
a cat.
351
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:15,707
Apparently I do.
352
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,622
What's his name?
353
00:13:17,709 --> 00:13:19,407
Uh, his name is... Mister...
354
00:13:19,494 --> 00:13:22,236
Cat.
355
00:13:22,323 --> 00:13:25,761
You are terrible at coming up
with names, Jeff Strongman.
356
00:13:27,241 --> 00:13:29,286
Hey, you didn't tell me
you went to MIT.
357
00:13:29,373 --> 00:13:30,635
Uh, well, you know, I don't like
to brag. [chuckles]
358
00:13:30,722 --> 00:13:32,942
Well, what'd you major in?
359
00:13:33,029 --> 00:13:34,988
Uh... math.
360
00:13:36,424 --> 00:13:38,165
With a-a focus on...
361
00:13:38,252 --> 00:13:40,167
numbers.
362
00:13:40,254 --> 00:13:42,212
I'm terrible at math.
363
00:13:42,299 --> 00:13:45,825
Every time I count to 100,
I keep getting stuck on 69.
364
00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:48,915
[chuckles]
Ooh, dirty math jokes.
365
00:13:49,002 --> 00:13:52,788
Let's see how many times
your orgasms multiply.
366
00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:55,399
[giggles]
367
00:13:55,486 --> 00:13:57,575
We really are perfect
for each other.
368
00:13:57,662 --> 00:13:59,099
I know, right?
369
00:13:59,186 --> 00:14:00,927
Can I tell you something?
370
00:14:01,014 --> 00:14:02,624
Yeah, of course, anything.
371
00:14:02,711 --> 00:14:05,627
You are the first man
I have trusted since my divorce.
372
00:14:05,714 --> 00:14:09,500
Well, uh, you know, MIT
stands for "Man I Trust," so...
373
00:14:09,587 --> 00:14:13,156
No, it's...
it's more than that.
374
00:14:13,243 --> 00:14:15,767
My husband was a liar
and a cheater.
375
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:18,248
He was not the man
I thought he was.
376
00:14:18,335 --> 00:14:20,729
Well, you know, some guys
can be real jerks.
377
00:14:20,816 --> 00:14:23,906
Well, thank God
you're not like that, Jeff.
378
00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:27,257
[chuckling]:
Yeah. Thank God.
379
00:14:27,344 --> 00:14:29,042
I'm sorry. I don't mean
to bring us down. It just...
380
00:14:29,129 --> 00:14:33,220
feels so good to open up and
let somebody in again, you know?
381
00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:34,961
Aw, well, I'm glad you did.
382
00:14:35,048 --> 00:14:36,788
In fact, I'm not even
gonna make a dirty joke
383
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:39,356
about you opening up
and letting me in.Oh!
384
00:14:39,443 --> 00:14:42,838
You care enough about me
to pass up sexy wordplay.[chuckles]
385
00:14:42,925 --> 00:14:44,492
And it was very hard on me.
[chuckles]
386
00:14:44,579 --> 00:14:46,973
You said "hard on."Kiss me.
387
00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:49,366
♪ Men.♪
388
00:14:49,453 --> 00:14:51,934
[Kate moaning]
389
00:14:52,021 --> 00:14:53,501
How you doing in there?
You okay?
390
00:14:53,588 --> 00:14:56,069
Oh, God,
oh, God, oh, God.
391
00:14:56,156 --> 00:14:58,027
[moans]
392
00:14:58,114 --> 00:15:01,248
You know, if someone read
a transcript of this date,
393
00:15:01,335 --> 00:15:02,597
it'd sound like
we were having hot sex.
394
00:15:02,684 --> 00:15:07,123
Oh, God,
it's in my hair.
395
00:15:07,210 --> 00:15:10,953
That sounds like we just
finished having hot sex.
396
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:11,693
[distant shriek]
397
00:15:11,780 --> 00:15:14,261
What was that?
398
00:15:14,348 --> 00:15:19,135
Hold on. I think
Alan just saw a spider again.
399
00:15:19,222 --> 00:15:20,223
What the hell
is going on?
400
00:15:20,310 --> 00:15:22,051
Whoa. Lyndsey.
401
00:15:22,138 --> 00:15:24,053
Barry!
402
00:15:24,140 --> 00:15:25,011
Wait, you two didn't...
403
00:15:25,098 --> 00:15:26,577
Are you kidding? No!
404
00:15:26,664 --> 00:15:28,710
Third base.
405
00:15:28,797 --> 00:15:31,843
I got into bed
to surprise Alan, and...
406
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,107
Scusi.
407
00:15:34,194 --> 00:15:35,499
Where is Alan?
408
00:15:35,586 --> 00:15:36,979
Uh, he's at my place.
409
00:15:37,066 --> 00:15:37,980
What?
What?
410
00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:41,157
[stomach gurgles]
411
00:15:41,244 --> 00:15:43,246
What the hell was that?
412
00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:44,291
Oh, God.
413
00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:48,164
[retching]
414
00:15:48,251 --> 00:15:52,777
So... you ready for a ride
on the Barry-go-round?
415
00:15:55,345 --> 00:15:56,607
♪ Men.♪
416
00:15:56,694 --> 00:15:59,828
[moans, sniffs]
417
00:15:59,915 --> 00:16:04,354
[grunts] I really regret buying
a wicker wastebasket right now.
418
00:16:05,747 --> 00:16:07,749
Thank you.
419
00:16:07,836 --> 00:16:09,969
I can't help feeling
this is my fault.
420
00:16:10,056 --> 00:16:12,710
Why? Just 'cause you ordered
the squid surprise?
421
00:16:12,797 --> 00:16:15,191
"Try it, Walden,
it won't kill you."
422
00:16:15,278 --> 00:16:17,106
I wish it had.
[laughs]
423
00:16:17,193 --> 00:16:21,154
Only you could make me smile
when I'm this sick.
424
00:16:21,241 --> 00:16:23,112
I really missed you.
425
00:16:23,199 --> 00:16:24,940
I've missed you, too.
426
00:16:25,027 --> 00:16:28,117
Even if this is the way
that we spend the whole time
427
00:16:28,204 --> 00:16:29,640
that you're here...
428
00:16:29,727 --> 00:16:33,079
...I'm just glad
that we're together.
429
00:16:33,166 --> 00:16:34,732
You are so sweet.
430
00:16:34,819 --> 00:16:37,170
Hey, uh, you know
right after you throw up,
431
00:16:37,257 --> 00:16:39,650
how there's that 20-minute
window when you feel better?
432
00:16:39,737 --> 00:16:40,738
Yeah...?
433
00:16:40,825 --> 00:16:43,306
I'm in mine.
434
00:16:43,393 --> 00:16:44,525
So...
435
00:16:44,612 --> 00:16:47,049
if you're in yours...
436
00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:50,096
Then you could put yours
in mine.
437
00:16:50,183 --> 00:16:52,272
Exactly.
438
00:16:52,359 --> 00:16:53,099
[chuckles]
439
00:16:53,186 --> 00:16:53,751
[stomach gurgles]
440
00:16:53,838 --> 00:16:55,840
Uh-oh.
441
00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:57,581
Window's closing!
442
00:16:57,668 --> 00:16:59,322
[stomach gurgling]
443
00:16:59,409 --> 00:17:01,368
[moans] Me, too.
444
00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:03,718
♪ Men.♪
445
00:17:03,805 --> 00:17:07,983
Ooh, squid.
446
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,726
Shrimp's sexy sister.
447
00:17:15,991 --> 00:17:17,645
Mmm.[doorbell rings]
448
00:17:17,732 --> 00:17:20,474
Mm.
449
00:17:20,561 --> 00:17:22,258
Mmm, hmm.
450
00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:23,694
Tastes a little odd, but, eh,
451
00:17:23,781 --> 00:17:26,306
Alans can't be choosers.
452
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,313
Oh, hey, Lyndsey, what's up?
453
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,576
Where were you last night?Last night?
454
00:17:35,663 --> 00:17:36,577
And don't do that thing
where you ask questions
455
00:17:36,664 --> 00:17:38,405
while you think of a lie.
456
00:17:38,492 --> 00:17:41,103
That thing where I ask questions
while I think of a lie?
457
00:17:42,409 --> 00:17:43,758
I was with Gretchen.
458
00:17:43,845 --> 00:17:45,455
I see.
Well, I snuck into your room
459
00:17:45,542 --> 00:17:47,066
to give you a little surprise
460
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:49,285
and molested the kid
sleeping in your bed.
461
00:17:50,547 --> 00:17:52,245
Please tell me he's 18.
462
00:17:52,332 --> 00:17:54,986
Honestly, if you told me
he was anywhere from 12 to 60
463
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,814
I'd believe you.
464
00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:58,599
Okay, fine. L-Let's not
waste time fighting.
465
00:17:58,686 --> 00:18:00,949
I have a half hour
till I have to go meet Larry.
466
00:18:01,036 --> 00:18:04,170
He's in the park
feeding the frickin' ducks.
467
00:18:04,257 --> 00:18:06,476
Oh. Oh, no, no.
Lyndsey, wait. Um...
468
00:18:06,563 --> 00:18:07,390
What?
469
00:18:07,477 --> 00:18:09,131
I can't do this.
470
00:18:09,218 --> 00:18:11,655
What do you need:
pills, porn or pinky?
471
00:18:11,742 --> 00:18:14,745
No... no, I'm-I'm-I'm not
gonna have-have sex with you.
472
00:18:14,832 --> 00:18:16,486
I-I really like Gretchen.
473
00:18:16,573 --> 00:18:17,661
I'm-I'm not gonna
cheat on her.
474
00:18:17,748 --> 00:18:19,663
Wow.
475
00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:22,536
Okay.
476
00:18:22,623 --> 00:18:22,753
I'm sorry.
477
00:18:24,973 --> 00:18:28,933
So, I-I guess this is good-bye.
478
00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:31,762
Well, I'm still gonna be
the best man at your wedding.
479
00:18:32,807 --> 00:18:34,765
Good-bye, Alan.
480
00:18:36,637 --> 00:18:37,942
Well, well,
look who's back for more.
481
00:18:38,029 --> 00:18:42,164
Get away from me,
ya freak.
482
00:18:42,251 --> 00:18:45,211
Wait, did you say "ya" or "you"?
483
00:18:46,255 --> 00:18:47,778
♪ Men.♪
484
00:18:47,865 --> 00:18:48,779
[sighs]
Well...
485
00:18:48,866 --> 00:18:51,173
this has been horrible.
486
00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:52,740
Yes.
487
00:18:52,827 --> 00:18:55,482
But from now on,
every time you see a toilet,
488
00:18:55,569 --> 00:18:57,440
you'll think of me.
489
00:18:57,527 --> 00:18:59,442
And every time
you hear a woman say
490
00:18:59,529 --> 00:19:01,444
"Hold my hair
out of the puke water,"
491
00:19:01,531 --> 00:19:03,054
you'll think of me.[chuckles]
492
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,882
So, listen,
493
00:19:04,969 --> 00:19:07,885
next time we see each other,
if we're still single,
494
00:19:07,972 --> 00:19:11,976
we'll forget all the rules
and just... bang our brains out.
495
00:19:12,063 --> 00:19:13,630
At the very least,
496
00:19:13,717 --> 00:19:15,545
I'll get an air mattress
for the bathroom floor.
497
00:19:15,632 --> 00:19:17,156
[chuckles]
Agreed.
498
00:19:18,505 --> 00:19:20,028
Let's not make a big deal
of this.
499
00:19:20,115 --> 00:19:22,683
Let's just... kiss
and say good-bye.
500
00:19:25,903 --> 00:19:27,905
Bye.Bye.
501
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:34,869
BERTA:
Sorry about that.
502
00:19:37,567 --> 00:19:38,829
Thanks.
503
00:19:38,916 --> 00:19:41,223
By the way, I saw your bathroom.
504
00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:42,703
I quit.
505
00:19:42,790 --> 00:19:44,966
[knocking on door]
506
00:19:47,664 --> 00:19:48,578
Screw China.
507
00:19:48,665 --> 00:19:49,797
Let's do it right now.
508
00:19:49,884 --> 00:19:51,102
Oh, wow.
509
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,714
You're lighter
than I remember.
510
00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:56,369
I'm not lighter,
I'm just empty.
511
00:19:56,456 --> 00:19:59,328
[whoops, chuckles]
512
00:19:59,415 --> 00:20:02,070
Puking all night
and screwing all day.
513
00:20:02,157 --> 00:20:04,377
It's like Charlie never left.
514
00:20:04,464 --> 00:20:06,857
♪ Men.♪
515
00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:12,211
♪ Men.♪
516
00:20:12,298 --> 00:20:13,734
[cat screeching]Ow, ow!
517
00:20:13,821 --> 00:20:14,430
[cat yowling]D-Down, Mr. Cat.
518
00:20:14,517 --> 00:20:19,000
Down! Down!
519
00:20:19,087 --> 00:20:20,219
I really love that little guy.
520
00:20:20,306 --> 00:20:22,656
You want some breakfast?
521
00:20:22,743 --> 00:20:25,659
Uh, sure, if it comes
with a side order of Gretchen.
522
00:20:25,746 --> 00:20:27,574
You can serve me over easy.
523
00:20:27,661 --> 00:20:30,011
And you can serve me sunny-side
all up in your bid-ness.
524
00:20:30,098 --> 00:20:31,099
[chuckles]
525
00:20:33,319 --> 00:20:36,365
Oh. Hey.
526
00:20:36,452 --> 00:20:38,585
Who the hell are you?No, it-it's okay,
it's okay.
527
00:20:38,672 --> 00:20:39,629
This is my...
528
00:20:40,891 --> 00:20:41,283
...son.
529
00:20:43,198 --> 00:20:44,634
Jimmy.
530
00:20:44,721 --> 00:20:47,202
Jimmy Strongman.
531
00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:50,684
It's Jim, Dad.
I'm not a little kid anymore.
532
00:20:50,771 --> 00:20:52,686
[stomach grumbles]
533
00:20:52,773 --> 00:20:54,557
Oh, God.
534
00:20:54,644 --> 00:20:55,602
What was that?
535
00:20:55,689 --> 00:20:57,691
Squid!
536
00:21:00,215 --> 00:21:01,825
Mmm.
537
00:21:01,912 --> 00:21:03,914
My other mom
never dressed like that.
538
00:21:04,001 --> 00:21:05,394
Captioning sponsored by CBS
and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
539
00:21:05,481 --> 00:21:08,179
and TOYOTA
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