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Previously
onTwo and a Half Men...I am gonna ask Lyndsey
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00:00:03,916 --> 00:00:05,309
to marry me.
3
00:00:05,396 --> 00:00:06,528
Will you marry me?
4
00:00:06,615 --> 00:00:08,399
Yes, I will marry you!
5
00:00:08,486 --> 00:00:10,967
I was wondering if you'd do me
the honor of being my best man.
6
00:00:11,054 --> 00:00:12,447
What?
What?
7
00:00:12,534 --> 00:00:14,014
Larry, where can
I put this poop?
8
00:00:14,101 --> 00:00:15,667
This is my sister Gretchen.
She just moved here.
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00:00:15,754 --> 00:00:17,408
Gretchen, this is
Jeff Strongman.
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00:00:17,495 --> 00:00:18,975
I think the computer
just read his thoughts.
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00:00:19,062 --> 00:00:20,585
[squealing][laughs]
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00:00:20,672 --> 00:00:22,326
Yes!
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00:00:22,413 --> 00:00:24,894
The guy I had dinner with
last night offered me
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00:00:24,981 --> 00:00:26,417
a job in San Francisco.
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00:00:26,504 --> 00:00:27,375
Where does that leave us?
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00:00:27,462 --> 00:00:28,898
I have to take this.
17
00:00:28,985 --> 00:00:30,334
I'm sorry, buddy.
18
00:00:30,421 --> 00:00:31,553
I'm here for you.
19
00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:32,380
If you wanted to go with her...
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00:00:32,467 --> 00:00:34,295
Oh, thank God.
21
00:00:36,384 --> 00:00:37,733
I thought
about what you said
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00:00:37,820 --> 00:00:39,082
I don't want
to work for Google.
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00:00:39,169 --> 00:00:40,562
I want to stay and work
with you.
24
00:00:40,649 --> 00:00:42,433
We're gonna do great things
together.
25
00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,479
All right.
26
00:00:45,958 --> 00:00:46,959
So where do I sleep?
27
00:00:48,135 --> 00:00:50,833
♪ Men.♪
28
00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:55,620
Uh...
29
00:00:55,707 --> 00:00:56,273
hello?
30
00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:58,101
Oh, hey.
31
00:00:58,188 --> 00:00:59,015
Jake?
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00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,192
Barry.
33
00:01:02,279 --> 00:01:04,977
Did you break into this house
and kill Walden?
34
00:01:07,502 --> 00:01:09,417
'Cause if you did, just know...
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00:01:09,504 --> 00:01:12,463
I'm one hell of a roommate.
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00:01:12,550 --> 00:01:14,335
No, I'm a friend
of Walden's.
37
00:01:14,422 --> 00:01:16,902
I'm gonna be crashing
here for a few days.
38
00:01:16,989 --> 00:01:18,861
Actually, Walden would probably
say I'm his best friend.
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00:01:18,948 --> 00:01:21,472
Oh, really?
40
00:01:21,559 --> 00:01:23,387
'Cause I have a picture
of us at Splash Mountain
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00:01:23,474 --> 00:01:25,607
that refutes that statement.
42
00:01:27,174 --> 00:01:29,176
What's that you're cooking?
43
00:01:29,263 --> 00:01:31,395
Cinnamon French toast;
Walden's favorite.
44
00:01:31,482 --> 00:01:32,788
Walden's allergic to cinnamon.
45
00:01:32,875 --> 00:01:34,485
No, Walden is allergic
to nutmeg.
46
00:01:34,572 --> 00:01:35,007
Touché.
47
00:01:37,401 --> 00:01:39,882
What's his birthday,
favorite color and worst fear?
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00:01:39,969 --> 00:01:42,276
July 12, forest green,
dying in your arms.
49
00:01:44,060 --> 00:01:46,367
Coffee? Cream,
two Splendas?
50
00:01:46,454 --> 00:01:47,411
Wait, y-you know
what I like, too?
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00:01:47,498 --> 00:01:49,239
I know a lot of things.
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00:01:49,326 --> 00:01:50,849
I know that you're sleeping
with Lyndsey,
53
00:01:50,936 --> 00:01:52,373
who is engaged to Larry,
54
00:01:52,460 --> 00:01:54,331
who thinks
you're Jeff Strongman,
55
00:01:54,418 --> 00:01:56,420
and you just went on a date
with Gretchen, Larry's sister.
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00:01:56,507 --> 00:01:58,857
And your worst fear
is not dying in this house.
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00:01:58,944 --> 00:02:01,295
[gasps]
Witch.
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00:02:01,382 --> 00:02:03,166
Get out of my head.
59
00:02:03,253 --> 00:02:05,473
Something smells good.
60
00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:07,953
That is the cinnamon
French tatas.
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00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,826
Hey, you-you must be Jake.
62
00:02:10,913 --> 00:02:12,958
Give your cousin Jenny a hug.
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00:02:13,045 --> 00:02:16,484
That's not Jake.Shut up, Dad.
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00:02:16,571 --> 00:02:18,573
Morning!
65
00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:19,530
Hey, Berta.
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00:02:19,617 --> 00:02:21,880
Welcome home, Jake.
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00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:23,055
That's not Jake.
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00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,493
That's Walden's friend Barry.
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00:02:25,580 --> 00:02:27,190
Uh, Berta,
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00:02:27,277 --> 00:02:28,713
making a special batch
of French toast for you
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00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:30,106
topped with a dollop
of marijuana butter.
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00:02:30,193 --> 00:02:31,194
I like "Not Jake."
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00:02:33,109 --> 00:02:34,937
All right,
who wants the first batch?
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00:02:35,024 --> 00:02:37,635
[others clamoring]
75
00:02:39,507 --> 00:02:41,291
Aw, hell, no.
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00:02:43,119 --> 00:02:45,600
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
77
00:02:45,687 --> 00:02:48,907
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
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00:02:52,868 --> 00:02:54,391
♪ Men.♪
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00:02:54,478 --> 00:02:55,175
Hey.
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00:02:55,262 --> 00:02:58,439
Extra! Extra!
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00:02:58,526 --> 00:03:00,441
Alan boards the Titanic!
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00:03:00,528 --> 00:03:01,964
Read all about it!
83
00:03:02,051 --> 00:03:04,923
You're just jealous.
84
00:03:05,010 --> 00:03:06,925
Jealous of what?
Your up-and-coming role
85
00:03:07,012 --> 00:03:09,014
in the Newsiesremake?
86
00:03:09,101 --> 00:03:10,973
I will have you know that
the salesgirl at Goodwill said
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00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:13,105
that I look dashing.
88
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:16,065
Why are you wearing this outfit?
89
00:03:16,152 --> 00:03:17,501
I'm going out
with Gretchen again tonight.
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00:03:17,588 --> 00:03:20,461
As her date or her caddie?
91
00:03:20,548 --> 00:03:23,681
Oh, that reminds me-- I gotta
get a cover for my wood.
92
00:03:26,554 --> 00:03:28,730
Why are you going out
with her again?
93
00:03:28,817 --> 00:03:30,297
What do you mean?
I like her, she likes me--
94
00:03:30,384 --> 00:03:32,168
honestly, I can see myself
spending the rest
95
00:03:32,255 --> 00:03:34,083
of Jeff Strongman's life
with her.
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00:03:34,170 --> 00:03:37,042
Okay, unlike Jeff Strongman,
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00:03:37,129 --> 00:03:39,044
she is a real person.
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00:03:39,131 --> 00:03:41,221
With real feelings.
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00:03:41,308 --> 00:03:44,963
And real... [grunts]
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00:03:45,050 --> 00:03:47,575
I know, I know. I...
I don't want to hurt her.
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00:03:47,662 --> 00:03:49,751
If that's the case,
then you need to walk away.
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00:03:49,838 --> 00:03:50,882
I-I will, I will. You're right.
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00:03:50,969 --> 00:03:52,144
Right after I have sex with her.
104
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:54,321
No!
105
00:03:54,408 --> 00:03:57,237
Well, I'm not gonna walk away
whileI'm having sex with her.
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00:03:57,324 --> 00:03:58,716
That would be rude.
107
00:03:58,803 --> 00:04:01,197
Hey, Jeff Strongman
looks good in that hat.
108
00:04:01,284 --> 00:04:03,765
Top of the day to you, too, sir.
109
00:04:03,852 --> 00:04:06,246
Wait, you can tell
when he's not Alan?
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00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:09,031
Oh, yeah. I mean,
Jeff exudes a quiet confidence,
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00:04:09,118 --> 00:04:09,684
whereas
Alan just...
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00:04:09,771 --> 00:04:11,990
exudes.
113
00:04:12,077 --> 00:04:15,472
Is there a shower
I can use?
Uh, oh, yeah.
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00:04:15,559 --> 00:04:18,127
Uh, Alan's room's
down the hall on the left.Whoa, whoa, whoa,
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00:04:18,214 --> 00:04:19,563
whoa, whoa.
What about Jenny's?
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00:04:19,650 --> 00:04:21,522
She's in there with Brooke.
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00:04:21,609 --> 00:04:25,134
Yeah, I don't think I can go
in there again "by accident."
118
00:04:25,221 --> 00:04:28,355
But-but, uh,
wh-what about your bathroom?
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00:04:28,442 --> 00:04:31,358
They're all my bathrooms!
120
00:04:31,445 --> 00:04:33,534
Alan's shower.
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00:04:33,621 --> 00:04:34,535
Great.
122
00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:35,971
Uh...
123
00:04:36,058 --> 00:04:37,451
so, is this
a "pee in the shower"
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00:04:37,538 --> 00:04:39,453
or "not pee in the shower"
household?
125
00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:41,368
"Not pee in the shower."
126
00:04:41,455 --> 00:04:45,197
So it's a "pee in the shower
and lie about it" household.
127
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:49,550
And don't touch
my shower porn!
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00:04:49,637 --> 00:04:51,378
That stuff took a long time
to laminate.
129
00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:55,382
Everything... you...
say... is... weird.
130
00:04:55,469 --> 00:04:58,341
Look, look, I know you're upset
about Barry moving in with us,
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00:04:58,428 --> 00:04:59,386
but hitting me
with a 25-cent hat
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00:04:59,473 --> 00:05:01,910
is not gonna solve anything.
133
00:05:01,997 --> 00:05:03,477
He's not moving in.
134
00:05:03,564 --> 00:05:05,261
He's just staying here
for a couple days
135
00:05:05,348 --> 00:05:07,350
while we brainstorm
some new tech ideas.
136
00:05:07,437 --> 00:05:09,787
Oh, Walden,
you're such a pushover.
137
00:05:09,874 --> 00:05:12,094
Somebody else said they were
only gonna stay in the house
138
00:05:12,181 --> 00:05:13,313
for a few days. Remember that?
139
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,924
Oh, believe me,
I remember.
140
00:05:16,011 --> 00:05:18,579
And now, here we are,
four months later,
141
00:05:18,666 --> 00:05:21,103
and Jenny's still living
with us.
142
00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:24,672
Why... can't... you...
hear... yourself?
143
00:05:25,716 --> 00:05:27,239
♪ Men.♪
144
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:30,634
♪ Summer lovin',
had me a blast ♪
145
00:05:30,721 --> 00:05:32,506
♪ Summer lovin' ♪
146
00:05:32,593 --> 00:05:34,943
♪ Happened so fa-ast ♪
147
00:05:35,030 --> 00:05:38,338
♪ I met a girl
crazy for me ♪
148
00:05:38,425 --> 00:05:43,473
♪ Met a boy cute as can be ♪
149
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:44,996
Maybe we should start again.
150
00:05:45,083 --> 00:05:46,781
Why, was I pitchy?
151
00:05:46,868 --> 00:05:48,260
You are so adorable.
152
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:49,740
Oh, and you have broccoli
in your teeth.
153
00:05:49,827 --> 00:05:51,307
Oh... [chuckles]
You want to get it for me?
154
00:05:51,394 --> 00:05:54,397
Ooh, a kiss and a free meal.
155
00:05:54,484 --> 00:05:56,486
Mmm...!
156
00:05:56,573 --> 00:05:58,096
Yum.
[chuckles]
157
00:05:58,183 --> 00:06:00,447
I've never had broccoli
and tongue before.
158
00:06:00,534 --> 00:06:02,710
I gotta say,
I love that hat on you.
159
00:06:02,797 --> 00:06:05,669
Oh!You know, it's funny, I gave one
just like that to Goodwill.
160
00:06:05,756 --> 00:06:07,279
Yeah, yeah,
this is the same one.
161
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,456
[both laugh]Well, uh,
162
00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:10,239
thanks again for dinner tonight.
163
00:06:10,326 --> 00:06:11,240
Oh, yeah.
164
00:06:11,327 --> 00:06:13,460
Next one's on you, though.
165
00:06:13,547 --> 00:06:15,244
Absolutely.
Um, speaking of which,
166
00:06:15,331 --> 00:06:17,420
I'm not sure we should keep
seeing each other.
167
00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:20,336
What? We don't have
to go somewhere expensive.
168
00:06:20,423 --> 00:06:23,078
Oh, God,
you're making this so hard.
169
00:06:23,165 --> 00:06:25,254
That's what he said!
170
00:06:25,341 --> 00:06:27,865
Oh, peas, pod.
171
00:06:27,952 --> 00:06:30,085
No, it's... [sighs]
it's just, you know,
172
00:06:30,172 --> 00:06:32,087
I'm Larry's best man
and you're his sister.
173
00:06:32,174 --> 00:06:35,264
I mean, what if things go wrong
and we screw up the wedding?
174
00:06:35,351 --> 00:06:37,266
Look, I like you
175
00:06:37,353 --> 00:06:39,311
and I think you like me,
176
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,270
and if it'll make you
more comfortable,
177
00:06:41,357 --> 00:06:43,141
we can keep it a secret for now.
178
00:06:43,228 --> 00:06:45,535
I mean, if you're good
at keeping secrets.
179
00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:47,145
I don't know.
180
00:06:47,232 --> 00:06:50,192
"Strongman" in German
means "honest man."
181
00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:51,498
Is that true?
182
00:06:51,585 --> 00:06:52,934
Jawohl.
183
00:06:53,021 --> 00:06:54,370
But I suppose
we could keep it...
184
00:06:54,457 --> 00:06:57,547
[German accent]:
under ze radar.
185
00:06:57,634 --> 00:06:58,330
Great.
Hmm...
186
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,550
So you know, uh...
187
00:07:00,637 --> 00:07:02,596
Larry and Lyndsey are in
Palm Springs for the weekend.
188
00:07:02,683 --> 00:07:04,032
They are?
Yeah.
189
00:07:04,119 --> 00:07:07,078
You want to... come inside?
190
00:07:07,165 --> 00:07:08,253
BOTH:
That's what she said!
191
00:07:08,340 --> 00:07:10,778
[laughing]
192
00:07:11,779 --> 00:07:13,128
♪ Men.♪
193
00:07:13,215 --> 00:07:14,390
[sirens wailing on TV]This is awesome.
194
00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:16,436
[laughing]
195
00:07:16,523 --> 00:07:17,437
These are the best graphics
I've ever seen.
196
00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:19,569
[laughs]
Uh-oh!
197
00:07:19,656 --> 00:07:21,005
The cops shot my tires out.
198
00:07:21,092 --> 00:07:23,007
Now I'm runnin'.
199
00:07:23,094 --> 00:07:25,532
Oh...
Wait, this isn't
a video game.
200
00:07:25,619 --> 00:07:28,970
[laughing]:
We're watching a car
chase on the news.
201
00:07:29,057 --> 00:07:31,102
[laughing]Oh.
202
00:07:31,189 --> 00:07:33,235
So I probably didn't
score that three-pointer
203
00:07:33,322 --> 00:07:35,237
to win the Laker game, either.
204
00:07:35,324 --> 00:07:37,631
Are you sure
you're not Jake?
205
00:07:38,675 --> 00:07:39,633
I'm not sure.
206
00:07:41,286 --> 00:07:43,158
Hey, are you guys
really lesbians?
207
00:07:43,245 --> 00:07:45,116
Or are you like
those "lesbians"
from Craigslist
208
00:07:45,203 --> 00:07:46,422
that came over
and tied me up
and stole my laptop?
209
00:07:46,509 --> 00:07:49,773
[laughing]
210
00:07:51,558 --> 00:07:53,385
If we weren't,
would we do this?
211
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,344
Okay, brain,
you are high,
212
00:07:55,431 --> 00:07:57,607
but I need you
to remember this.
213
00:07:57,694 --> 00:07:58,565
Forget calculus
if you have to.
214
00:07:58,652 --> 00:08:00,305
WALDEN:
Hey.
215
00:08:00,392 --> 00:08:02,917
Nobody heard the pizza guy
at the door?
216
00:08:03,004 --> 00:08:03,526
I told you we wouldn't
have to get up.
217
00:08:06,181 --> 00:08:08,575
Told you we wouldn't
have to pay for it.
218
00:08:08,662 --> 00:08:10,315
Is this all you guys have
been doing the whole day?
219
00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:11,752
No, we spent an hour
220
00:08:11,839 --> 00:08:14,406
trying to find
where you hid your bong.
221
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:18,280
Which knocked me
into overtime, FYI.
222
00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:21,675
Walden, I am loving it here.
223
00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:25,287
I mean, pizza, lesbians,
weed scavenger hunts...
224
00:08:25,374 --> 00:08:27,158
Nobody paying rent...
225
00:08:27,245 --> 00:08:29,726
It just keeps getting better.
226
00:08:29,813 --> 00:08:31,598
Hey, Barry, can I talk
to you for a second?
227
00:08:31,685 --> 00:08:35,384
WOMEN:
Ooh, you're in trouble!
228
00:08:35,471 --> 00:08:37,473
[laughing]
229
00:08:39,867 --> 00:08:41,433
Is this why you're here?
230
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:44,175
Just to hang out and get high
and eat pizza?
231
00:08:45,655 --> 00:08:48,745
I feel like this is
a trick question.
232
00:08:48,832 --> 00:08:50,138
'Cause I thought you were here
233
00:08:50,225 --> 00:08:50,965
to work on a new
project with me.
234
00:08:51,052 --> 00:08:52,575
No, no, no, I am!
235
00:08:52,662 --> 00:08:55,012
I am. Okay, okay,
check out this idea:
236
00:08:55,099 --> 00:08:57,362
So I was watching Brooke
and Jenny make out earlier,
237
00:08:57,449 --> 00:08:59,669
and I thought to myself,
238
00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:02,193
what if we filmed lesbians
239
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:04,413
doing stuff to each other...
240
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:06,458
and then we put that
on the Internet?
241
00:09:10,071 --> 00:09:12,116
How has no one thought of that?
242
00:09:12,203 --> 00:09:13,596
I know!
243
00:09:13,683 --> 00:09:14,684
You know what?
244
00:09:14,771 --> 00:09:15,685
It's too late for them.
245
00:09:15,772 --> 00:09:18,209
They're a lost cause.
246
00:09:18,296 --> 00:09:19,820
We can hear you.
247
00:09:19,907 --> 00:09:23,606
I will give any
of you... $100.
248
00:09:23,693 --> 00:09:24,999
All you have to do
249
00:09:25,086 --> 00:09:26,304
is come up here
and take it from me.
250
00:09:26,391 --> 00:09:28,393
Later.
Nah, I'm fine.Nah.
251
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:30,482
Do you see that?
252
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:31,745
Don't be them!
253
00:09:31,832 --> 00:09:33,747
I only let
you stay here
254
00:09:33,834 --> 00:09:35,879
for a few days
to help you transition.
255
00:09:35,966 --> 00:09:37,402
Okay, okay.
I got another idea.
256
00:09:37,489 --> 00:09:40,188
Uh... bacon-flavored eggs.
257
00:09:40,275 --> 00:09:42,669
All me and you
got to figure out
258
00:09:42,756 --> 00:09:45,672
is how to make the chicken
and the pig have sex.
259
00:09:48,109 --> 00:09:50,459
Well, maybe you could show 'em
the lesbian porn.
260
00:09:59,947 --> 00:10:01,426
Wait, wait, wait.
261
00:10:01,513 --> 00:10:02,689
I have an idea.
262
00:10:02,776 --> 00:10:04,952
What if you got
the chickens drunk?
263
00:10:05,039 --> 00:10:06,475
Would that work?
264
00:10:06,562 --> 00:10:08,520
I've gotten laid a lot
by getting chicks drunk.
265
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,348
[laughing]
266
00:10:10,435 --> 00:10:11,915
Hey, Berta,
what about you?
267
00:10:12,002 --> 00:10:13,090
You ever been
with a woman?
268
00:10:13,177 --> 00:10:14,352
Have you?
269
00:10:18,879 --> 00:10:20,707
There you are.
270
00:10:20,794 --> 00:10:23,187
Get down off that couch,
you naughty boy.
271
00:10:23,274 --> 00:10:25,755
[whimpering]
272
00:10:29,019 --> 00:10:30,412
Ooh, a quarter.
273
00:10:30,499 --> 00:10:33,023
Hey, this hat
just paid for itself.
274
00:10:33,110 --> 00:10:34,372
Give me that.
275
00:10:35,896 --> 00:10:36,766
Drop it.
276
00:10:36,853 --> 00:10:38,942
[growling, muttering]
277
00:10:44,992 --> 00:10:46,950
Ruh-roh.
278
00:10:47,037 --> 00:10:49,039
♪ Men.♪
279
00:10:52,695 --> 00:10:53,696
♪ Men.♪
280
00:10:53,783 --> 00:10:55,567
So, how was Palm Springs?
281
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:58,092
What the hell's
going on here?
282
00:10:58,179 --> 00:10:59,876
It-it isn't what
it looks like.
283
00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:01,878
It looks like you're having
kinky sex with my sister.
284
00:11:01,965 --> 00:11:03,750
Then it is what it looks like.
285
00:11:03,837 --> 00:11:04,533
I can't
believe this.
286
00:11:04,620 --> 00:11:06,753
Me, neither.
287
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:09,756
This is the best
day of my life!
288
00:11:11,453 --> 00:11:13,237
What?!
289
00:11:13,324 --> 00:11:15,675
What guy doesn't want to see
his best friend bang his sister?
290
00:11:15,762 --> 00:11:17,502
What?!
What?!
What?!
291
00:11:17,589 --> 00:11:19,548
My two favorite people in
the world got together.
292
00:11:19,635 --> 00:11:22,812
Those are your two
favorite people?
293
00:11:22,899 --> 00:11:23,595
Don't worry.
You're number three.
294
00:11:26,294 --> 00:11:29,732
If you were banging my
sister, you'd be number one.
295
00:11:29,819 --> 00:11:32,866
Well, I'm-I'm glad
you're so excited about this.
296
00:11:32,953 --> 00:11:34,955
I was worried you were gonna
punch me in the face.
297
00:11:35,042 --> 00:11:36,696
Ah, if anything, I'd maybe
298
00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:39,524
swat you on the nose with
a rolled-up newspaper.
299
00:11:39,611 --> 00:11:42,397
Or cut off your balls.
300
00:11:42,484 --> 00:11:43,877
Well, I'm gonna go
get dressed.
301
00:11:43,964 --> 00:11:46,140
I have to take Jeff
for a walk.
302
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:51,058
Hey, you know
that special bottle of champagne
303
00:11:51,145 --> 00:11:52,537
we were saving
for our wedding?
304
00:11:52,624 --> 00:11:54,844
Let's pop it now!
305
00:11:54,931 --> 00:11:57,891
Why not? I just popped
your sister five minutes ago.
306
00:11:57,978 --> 00:11:59,980
Jeff, you are the king!
307
00:12:01,808 --> 00:12:05,855
Really? What are you doing
with Larry's sister?
308
00:12:05,942 --> 00:12:07,509
Just a little game.
309
00:12:07,596 --> 00:12:09,511
You know, I-I pretend
I'm a dog, and she rescues me,
310
00:12:09,598 --> 00:12:10,991
and then I give her my bone.
311
00:12:11,078 --> 00:12:15,517
All right, Alan,
you know what? Stop.
312
00:12:15,604 --> 00:12:17,388
Stop being friends
with my fiancé,
313
00:12:17,475 --> 00:12:20,609
stop dating my fiancé's sister,
and stop poking me on Facebook.
314
00:12:20,696 --> 00:12:23,046
It doesn't mean what
you think it does.
315
00:12:23,133 --> 00:12:24,831
You know what?
You can't tell me what to do.
316
00:12:24,918 --> 00:12:26,093
I am my own man.
317
00:12:26,180 --> 00:12:27,442
I will do what I want
318
00:12:27,529 --> 00:12:28,225
with whomever I want
whenever I want.
319
00:12:28,312 --> 00:12:29,705
Now, excuse me.
320
00:12:29,792 --> 00:12:31,751
[groans]
321
00:12:33,143 --> 00:12:35,842
You're standing on my leash.
322
00:12:40,324 --> 00:12:42,065
♪ Men.♪
323
00:12:42,152 --> 00:12:44,546
♪ All the single Barrys,
all the single Barrys ♪
324
00:12:44,633 --> 00:12:46,591
♪ Make a turkey sandwich,
make a turkey sandwich ♪
325
00:12:46,678 --> 00:12:48,550
♪ If you like it then you should
have put some cheese on it ♪
326
00:12:48,637 --> 00:12:50,595
♪ If you like it then you should
have put some cheese on it ♪
327
00:12:50,682 --> 00:12:53,729
♪ May-a-o, oh-oh-oh,
oh-oh-oh, oh... ♪
328
00:12:53,816 --> 00:12:57,341
Oh, hey.
329
00:12:57,428 --> 00:12:58,734
Bare, can I talk to you?
330
00:12:58,821 --> 00:13:01,128
Sure. What's up?
331
00:13:01,215 --> 00:13:02,694
Let me ask you something.
332
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:05,045
Suppose you had someone
living with you,
333
00:13:05,132 --> 00:13:06,742
and you wanted them to leave.
334
00:13:06,829 --> 00:13:10,093
How would you go about
making that clear?
335
00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:12,226
Well, I don't like
confrontation,
336
00:13:12,313 --> 00:13:13,793
so I'd probably do something
passive-aggressive
337
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:15,316
like sit them down
338
00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:16,926
and ask them
how they would approach...
339
00:13:17,013 --> 00:13:18,885
Oh, you're asking me
to move out.
340
00:13:18,972 --> 00:13:20,800
No, no, no, no, I'm not
asking you to move out.
341
00:13:20,887 --> 00:13:25,587
I'm-I'm asking you
to move in...
342
00:13:25,674 --> 00:13:28,068
to the... outside.
343
00:13:28,155 --> 00:13:30,287
Okay.
344
00:13:30,374 --> 00:13:32,072
Boy, man, I'm so sorry.
345
00:13:32,159 --> 00:13:34,509
I just have been having a lot
of fun here, you know.
346
00:13:34,596 --> 00:13:36,685
Everybody's so nice,
and you've been so welcoming.
347
00:13:36,772 --> 00:13:39,427
Up until just now when you
told me to get the hell out.
348
00:13:39,514 --> 00:13:40,907
Don't get me wrong.
349
00:13:40,994 --> 00:13:42,604
It's not that I don't love
having you here.
350
00:13:42,691 --> 00:13:44,911
It's just that I don't think
that I can legally
351
00:13:44,998 --> 00:13:47,783
have anyone else live here
unless I adopt them.
352
00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:50,220
I'm down for that.
353
00:13:50,307 --> 00:13:52,396
Okay, well, let's table that,
354
00:13:52,483 --> 00:13:55,704
but in-in the meantime, we'll
look for an apartment for you.
355
00:13:55,791 --> 00:13:58,707
Uh, well, I mean,
today is kind of already shot.
356
00:13:58,794 --> 00:14:01,318
Maybe pick it up tomorrow?
357
00:14:01,405 --> 00:14:03,233
Yeah. Okay, yeah.
358
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:05,932
I mean, it's-it's 10:30.
359
00:14:06,019 --> 00:14:09,892
In the morning.
360
00:14:09,979 --> 00:14:11,851
Great.
Uh, I'm gonna go get high
361
00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:13,591
and eat my sandwich
out on the deck.
362
00:14:13,678 --> 00:14:15,680
Okay.
363
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:19,815
He's never moving out.
364
00:14:19,902 --> 00:14:22,731
Hey.
Oh, hey.
365
00:14:22,818 --> 00:14:26,517
Wait. Are you just getting back
from your date with Gretchen?
366
00:14:26,604 --> 00:14:28,737
No. No, no. I had to go back
to the restaurant.
367
00:14:28,824 --> 00:14:30,608
I left my hat
at the valet stand.
368
00:14:30,695 --> 00:14:31,609
Liar!
369
00:14:33,220 --> 00:14:36,266
You would never pay for parking.
370
00:14:36,353 --> 00:14:38,616
All right, admit it,
you slept with Gretchen.
371
00:14:38,703 --> 00:14:40,880
You're right, I slept with her.
372
00:14:40,967 --> 00:14:44,144
And I found a broken meter
two blocks from the restaurant.
373
00:14:44,231 --> 00:14:46,015
I thought you were
calling it off with her.
374
00:14:46,102 --> 00:14:47,930
Well, I started to, but
you-you know how breakups go.
375
00:14:48,017 --> 00:14:49,845
I mean, you try
to be considerate
376
00:14:49,932 --> 00:14:53,196
and let her down easy,
and next thing you know,
377
00:14:53,283 --> 00:14:55,198
you're wearing a dog collar
and a leash
378
00:14:55,285 --> 00:14:58,375
while she lets you
lick peanut butter
379
00:14:58,462 --> 00:15:00,725
out of a chew toy
between her boobs.
380
00:15:01,813 --> 00:15:05,774
♪ Men.♪
381
00:15:05,861 --> 00:15:08,298
Whoa...
382
00:15:08,385 --> 00:15:10,387
Look at this place.
383
00:15:10,474 --> 00:15:13,738
Hello, apartment,
good-bye panties, huh?
384
00:15:13,825 --> 00:15:14,914
I don't think
this place is for me.
385
00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:18,134
It just doesn't scream "Barry."
386
00:15:18,221 --> 00:15:20,876
It will
when the panties come off.
387
00:15:20,963 --> 00:15:22,834
No. Plus, the feng shui
is just off.
388
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,314
All right.
389
00:15:24,401 --> 00:15:26,142
This is the sixth place
you didn't like.
390
00:15:26,229 --> 00:15:29,885
And the last one you said was
in a bad school district.
391
00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:32,061
What's going on here?
392
00:15:32,148 --> 00:15:33,933
Nothing. Nothing's
going on. I just...
393
00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:35,978
I've never really
lived alone before.
394
00:15:36,065 --> 00:15:38,024
Never?
395
00:15:38,111 --> 00:15:40,330
Well, when my dad left,
I lived with my mom,
396
00:15:40,417 --> 00:15:42,028
and then boarding school,
397
00:15:42,115 --> 00:15:43,638
and then, in college,
I always had roommates,
398
00:15:43,725 --> 00:15:45,509
and then after college,
I lived with Nicole.
399
00:15:45,596 --> 00:15:47,337
I mean,
I'm like a baby duck, Walden.
400
00:15:47,424 --> 00:15:50,166
When Mama Duck leaves, I cling
to the next mama duck.
401
00:15:50,253 --> 00:15:51,994
Okay, but my flock is too big,
402
00:15:52,081 --> 00:15:57,391
so, you gotta get the flock
out of my house.
403
00:15:57,478 --> 00:15:58,870
I don't know
if I can make it on my own.
404
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,350
Okay, listen, I know
what's going on.
405
00:16:00,437 --> 00:16:02,135
I know how you feel.
406
00:16:02,222 --> 00:16:03,614
I felt the same way when
my wife walked out on me.
407
00:16:03,701 --> 00:16:04,702
What did you do?
408
00:16:04,789 --> 00:16:06,400
I bought a house
409
00:16:06,487 --> 00:16:09,925
and let a 45-year-old man
and his son live there.
410
00:16:10,012 --> 00:16:12,406
Wow. A real
Scared Straightmoment here.
411
00:16:12,493 --> 00:16:14,103
Let's grab up a pizza
on the way back to the beach.
412
00:16:14,190 --> 00:16:15,496
Barry, listen to me.
413
00:16:15,583 --> 00:16:17,019
I'm going to say
something to you
414
00:16:17,106 --> 00:16:18,020
that I have never
said before in my life.
415
00:16:18,107 --> 00:16:19,891
You can't live with me.
416
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,242
Oh, my God.
417
00:16:22,329 --> 00:16:25,506
[laughing]
418
00:16:25,593 --> 00:16:27,595
I did it.
419
00:16:27,682 --> 00:16:29,336
I'm sorry.
You're-You're my first.
420
00:16:29,423 --> 00:16:30,685
No, no, no,
I don't want to be your first.
421
00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:32,252
Your first should be
someone special,
422
00:16:32,339 --> 00:16:34,645
like a whore
that your stepdad buys you.
423
00:16:36,125 --> 00:16:38,258
...is an example I just made up.
424
00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:41,435
Listen, Barry, you're...
you are gonna be okay.
425
00:16:41,522 --> 00:16:44,133
And you can come and visit
anytime that you want.
426
00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:45,134
Really?
427
00:16:45,221 --> 00:16:46,266
Yeah, just stop on by.
428
00:16:46,353 --> 00:16:48,703
But you can't live with me!
429
00:16:48,790 --> 00:16:50,531
Now or ever.
430
00:16:50,618 --> 00:16:52,315
Okay, but I can't just
stay here.
431
00:16:52,402 --> 00:16:53,751
Yes, you can!
432
00:16:53,838 --> 00:16:55,188
I'm gonna take care
of the paperwork,
433
00:16:55,275 --> 00:16:56,972
and then
I'll send your stuff over.
434
00:16:57,059 --> 00:16:58,495
You just make yourself at home.
435
00:16:58,582 --> 00:16:59,888
But you can't live with me!
436
00:16:59,975 --> 00:17:02,543
All right, message received.
437
00:17:02,630 --> 00:17:04,153
Okay, I'm sorry--
I'm just... I'm really excited.
438
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:05,720
This is a big moment for me.
439
00:17:05,807 --> 00:17:07,809
I'm gonna go find Alan.
440
00:17:07,896 --> 00:17:08,984
You can't live with me!
441
00:17:10,855 --> 00:17:11,639
You can't live with me!
442
00:17:11,726 --> 00:17:12,814
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
443
00:17:12,901 --> 00:17:14,120
But you can't
live with me!
444
00:17:14,207 --> 00:17:15,947
♪ Men.♪
445
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:18,820
I can't tell you how happy I am
you guys are dating.
446
00:17:18,907 --> 00:17:20,604
[laughs]
447
00:17:20,691 --> 00:17:22,650
No offense, Sis, but some of
the guys you've brought home--
448
00:17:22,737 --> 00:17:24,043
I mean, no job,
no house, no car.
449
00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:26,175
Real losers.
450
00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:29,831
Wow, sounds like the deadbeats
451
00:17:29,918 --> 00:17:31,789
I used to date
before I found Larry.
452
00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:35,228
Well, I've, uh, I've had some
real winners in my past, too.
453
00:17:35,315 --> 00:17:36,881
Cheaters, drunks,
454
00:17:36,968 --> 00:17:38,970
45-year-old women
trying to pass as 38.
455
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:43,584
Lyndsey just turned 38!
456
00:17:43,671 --> 00:17:46,021
Well, luckily, those people
are out of our lives now.
457
00:17:46,108 --> 00:17:48,067
Yeah, but sometimes I swear
458
00:17:48,154 --> 00:17:51,505
I can see their stupid faces
right in front of me.
459
00:17:51,592 --> 00:17:54,725
That might be
a wine-induced hallucination.
460
00:17:54,812 --> 00:17:57,380
Speaking of wine,
a toast to the four of us.
461
00:17:57,467 --> 00:18:00,253
May this be the first
of many dinners, celebrations,
462
00:18:00,340 --> 00:18:02,472
holidays, vacations,
anniversaries...
463
00:18:02,559 --> 00:18:03,995
Yeah, yeah,
yeah, we get it.
464
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:06,911
To us. Bottoms up.[Alan chuckles]
465
00:18:06,998 --> 00:18:08,261
I know mine will be.
466
00:18:08,348 --> 00:18:10,132
Mmm! You are a bad girl.
[chuckles]
467
00:18:10,219 --> 00:18:13,092
[clears her throat]
468
00:18:13,179 --> 00:18:16,007
I think we're making
them uncomfortable.
469
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,400
Not as uncomfortable
as last night,
470
00:18:17,487 --> 00:18:20,142
having sex with your butt
on a hot stove.
471
00:18:20,229 --> 00:18:22,362
We were fooling
around in the kitchen,
472
00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:24,364
and I picked him up
in a moment of passion.
473
00:18:24,451 --> 00:18:26,017
[laughs]
474
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,846
I loved it.
475
00:18:30,021 --> 00:18:31,545
LARRY:
Wow!
476
00:18:31,632 --> 00:18:34,548
Lyndsey doesn't use the stove
for cooking or sex.
477
00:18:37,464 --> 00:18:39,857
Sweetie, sweetie,
what are you doing?
478
00:18:39,944 --> 00:18:41,729
Don't forget
the little butter packets.Oh!
479
00:18:43,252 --> 00:18:44,340
You're my little butter packet.
480
00:18:44,427 --> 00:18:45,341
Oh.
481
00:18:45,428 --> 00:18:46,603
[chuckles]
482
00:18:46,690 --> 00:18:47,648
Doesn't look
like they're thinking
483
00:18:47,735 --> 00:18:49,519
about any of their exes now.
484
00:18:49,606 --> 00:18:51,391
No, it doesn't.
485
00:18:51,478 --> 00:18:52,740
He's thinking
about banging my sister.
486
00:18:52,827 --> 00:18:54,176
I know what he's thinking!
487
00:18:56,918 --> 00:18:58,137
♪ Men.♪
488
00:18:58,224 --> 00:19:01,270
Okay.
489
00:19:01,357 --> 00:19:03,490
One roommate down,
two to go.
490
00:19:03,577 --> 00:19:04,491
Alan...
491
00:19:04,578 --> 00:19:06,188
Hey, there he is.
492
00:19:06,275 --> 00:19:07,102
Barry?
493
00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:09,713
What are you doing here?
494
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,934
Well, you said I could stop
by anytime I wanted, so...
495
00:19:13,021 --> 00:19:13,978
Yeah, but I-I just left you.
496
00:19:14,065 --> 00:19:17,243
17 minutes ago.
497
00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:18,157
I know.
I missed you, too.
498
00:19:20,376 --> 00:19:21,595
Walden, are you done?
We're in the middle of a game.
499
00:19:21,682 --> 00:19:23,466
Hey, can you go
on a beer run?
500
00:19:23,553 --> 00:19:25,120
What the hell is going on here?
501
00:19:25,207 --> 00:19:26,861
This is my house!
502
00:19:26,948 --> 00:19:28,515
BERTA:
Do you mind?!
503
00:19:28,602 --> 00:19:32,083
Some of us are trying to nap!
504
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,173
♪ Men.♪
505
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:37,088
Oh, oh, well, then put up
a sign that says
506
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:40,527
only one roll of mints
per customer.
507
00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:41,832
[door closes]
508
00:19:41,919 --> 00:19:42,877
Oh.
509
00:19:42,964 --> 00:19:43,965
Lyndsey.
510
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:46,402
Are you waiting?
511
00:19:46,489 --> 00:19:48,839
Someone pooping in there?
512
00:19:48,926 --> 00:19:50,624
What the hell was that about?
513
00:19:50,711 --> 00:19:52,016
[imitating Gretchen]: "You're my
little butter packet."
514
00:19:52,103 --> 00:19:53,235
What upset you more?
515
00:19:53,322 --> 00:19:55,237
That she stole that bread...
516
00:19:55,324 --> 00:19:57,196
or my heart?
517
00:19:57,283 --> 00:19:58,153
So you are doing this
just to make me jealous.
518
00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:00,329
No, that's not it at all.
519
00:20:00,416 --> 00:20:02,113
Too bad, 'cause it's working.
520
00:20:03,376 --> 00:20:04,725
I'm sorry, I...
521
00:20:04,812 --> 00:20:05,856
No, I-I really like Gretchen.
522
00:20:05,943 --> 00:20:06,944
I-I can't do this.
523
00:20:07,031 --> 00:20:08,424
Jeff Strongman can't.
524
00:20:08,511 --> 00:20:10,339
But Alan Harper can.
525
00:20:10,426 --> 00:20:12,167
Works for me.
526
00:20:12,254 --> 00:20:14,300
[both moaning]
527
00:20:14,387 --> 00:20:16,476
Is that a roll of mints
in your pocket
528
00:20:16,563 --> 00:20:17,781
or are you just
happy to see me?
529
00:20:17,868 --> 00:20:21,002
Actually,
it is a roll of mints.
530
00:20:21,089 --> 00:20:23,700
And a comb.
531
00:20:23,787 --> 00:20:26,312
And a bottle of Paco Rabanne.
532
00:20:26,399 --> 00:20:27,922
♪ Men.♪
533
00:20:32,143 --> 00:20:33,275
♪ Men.♪
534
00:20:33,362 --> 00:20:35,059
All right, the shot
for the win.
535
00:20:35,146 --> 00:20:38,411
Be the ball, see the cups.
536
00:20:38,498 --> 00:20:39,847
Hey, Barry, check
out these cups.
537
00:20:41,196 --> 00:20:43,111
Aah! Ball to the face.
538
00:20:43,198 --> 00:20:45,940
First time for everything.
539
00:20:46,027 --> 00:20:48,769
I may need to see that
again and again.
540
00:20:48,856 --> 00:20:50,597
Walden, we have
security cameras, right?
541
00:20:52,033 --> 00:20:53,034
Where's Walden?
542
00:20:54,514 --> 00:20:56,472
[music soundtrack playing on TV]
543
00:20:56,559 --> 00:20:58,169
I could totally live here.
544
00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:00,259
[laughs]
Screech, will you never learn?
545
00:21:00,346 --> 00:21:02,565
Captioning sponsored by
CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
546
00:21:02,652 --> 00:21:04,698
and TOYOTA
547
00:21:04,785 --> 00:21:05,960
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
38394
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