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1
00:00:05,271 --> 00:00:07,740
Today, I'm proud
to celebrate the opening
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00:00:07,775 --> 00:00:09,575
of a thing I never heard of-
3
00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:12,478
a freeway wildlife crossing.
4
00:00:12,479 --> 00:00:14,581
Now here is the little girl
whose pestering
5
00:00:14,582 --> 00:00:17,716
has made this
whatever-this-is a reality,
6
00:00:17,752 --> 00:00:19,551
Lisa Simpson.
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00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:22,554
This land bridge will allow
animals to migrate safely
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00:00:22,555 --> 00:00:24,891
and end the collisions
that have turned our freeways
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00:00:24,892 --> 00:00:27,493
into a carcass-ridden hellscape.
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00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,495
[cheering]
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00:00:30,631 --> 00:00:32,531
[animals chittering, huffing]
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00:00:33,768 --> 00:00:36,602
[gasps]
That's it, furry friends.
13
00:00:36,603 --> 00:00:38,838
Migrate wherever
your little paws, hooves,
14
00:00:38,839 --> 00:00:40,906
and trotters wish to take you.
15
00:00:47,515 --> 00:00:48,647
[gasping]
16
00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:51,617
They're headed towards
the pharmaceutical factory.
17
00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,585
[heavy metal music playing]
18
00:00:53,621 --> 00:00:55,611
-[animals bellowing]
-[exclaiming]
19
00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:57,723
? Bobcats on drugs ?
20
00:00:57,758 --> 00:00:59,892
? Frogs on drugs ?
21
00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:01,794
? Coyotes on drugs ?
22
00:01:01,829 --> 00:01:05,864
? Deer on drugs...! ?
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00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:10,636
This is your crane on drugs.
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00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:13,605
The wildlife of Springfield
has gone on a bad trip,
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00:01:13,641 --> 00:01:16,742
gobbling up several tons
of psychiatric medication.
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00:01:16,777 --> 00:01:18,644
Snakes on antipsychotics
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00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,813
are befriending rats on Zoloft.
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00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:23,515
Beavers on beta-blockers
are building dams
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00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:25,818
without their usual
performance anxiety.
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00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:28,854
Turtles tweaking on Adderall
are racing past
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00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:31,490
chilled-out rabbits on Klonopin.
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00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:32,891
Look at those turtles go.
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America's back, baby.
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Dad, watch the road.
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00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:37,663
Oh, right. Driving.
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00:01:37,664 --> 00:01:38,965
Okay, boy, you know the drill.
37
00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:40,956
I can't get sucked
into a conversation
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00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:42,768
with Milhouse's loser dad,
39
00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:44,736
so you need
to bail out of the car
40
00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:46,939
without me
coming to a full stop.
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00:01:47,660 --> 00:01:49,709
Don't push me.
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00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:51,677
I'm trying to time my jump.
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00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:53,645
-Love you, bud.
-[grunts]
44
00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:56,949
Aah!
45
00:01:58,586 --> 00:01:59,651
Hey, buddy.
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00:01:59,652 --> 00:02:01,721
Come check out
this new sprinkler I bought.
47
00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:04,756
360 rotation, my friend.
48
00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:05,858
[sighs]
49
00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,495
Stuck at 90?
50
00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:11,630
It was doing it this morning,
I swear.
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00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:12,715
[rumbling]
52
00:02:14,735 --> 00:02:15,834
[screaming]
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00:02:15,870 --> 00:02:17,870
Get in here
or you'll be trampled.
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00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:19,838
Trampled, eh?
55
00:02:19,874 --> 00:02:22,474
Death or Kirk?
56
00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:23,510
Death?
57
00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:24,511
Or Kirk?
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00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:25,512
Death it is.
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00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:26,513
[grunts]
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00:02:26,514 --> 00:02:27,613
? ?
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00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:30,616
Due to this tragic
and not-at-all-my-fault stampede
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00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:31,917
of hopped-up wildlife,
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00:02:31,952 --> 00:02:35,521
all citizens are required
to shelter in place,
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00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:38,724
at least until the badgers
come down from the Ritalin.
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00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:41,760
[singsongy] Looks like
we're having a sleepover.
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00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:43,862
Boys' night!
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00:02:43,898 --> 00:02:45,631
-Yay!
-Yay!
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00:02:45,632 --> 00:02:46,666
[door closes]
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00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:47,900
Nay.
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00:02:47,935 --> 00:02:50,836
Hope everyone's
hungry for spaghetti.
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00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:52,504
-Mmm!
-Mmm!
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00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:53,739
And to wash it down,
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00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:54,940
the pasta water.
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00:02:56,911 --> 00:02:58,977
[both groaning]
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00:02:59,013 --> 00:03:01,813
You drink the water
you boil the noodles in?
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00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:02,948
Doesn't everyone?
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00:03:02,983 --> 00:03:04,917
It's got all the nutrients.
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00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:07,686
I love my noody juice.
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00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:08,820
This family sucks.
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00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:11,557
Everything they do
is different and wrong.
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00:03:11,592 --> 00:03:14,526
May I be excused
to go to the bathroom?
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00:03:14,562 --> 00:03:16,662
Do you need to winkle or make?
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00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:17,863
-Ew!
-Ew!
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00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:19,731
[Barney grunts softly]
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00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:21,600
[bear chuffs, moans]
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00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:22,801
[bellows softly]
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00:03:22,802 --> 00:03:24,571
[man with Russian accent]
Today I show you how to
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00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:26,872
restore full rotation
on sprinkler head.
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00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:29,541
Step one, remove splash plate.
90
00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:31,710
Why aren't you sleeping
in your bedroom?
91
00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:33,812
Oh, Luann won't let me
sleep in our bed
92
00:03:33,813 --> 00:03:35,949
'cause of my night sweats
and night farting
93
00:03:35,950 --> 00:03:38,817
and also something I'm
too embarrassed to talk about.
94
00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,552
Uh-huh.
95
00:03:40,553 --> 00:03:41,921
Can I get one of those saltines?
96
00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:43,622
Have a whole sleeve.
97
00:03:43,623 --> 00:03:46,759
I get a five percent employee
discount at the cracker factory.
98
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,728
I took that in lieu
of the pension. [chuckles]
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00:03:49,729 --> 00:03:52,532
Marge won't let me eat
crackers in bed
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00:03:52,533 --> 00:03:53,933
because it makes the bed
all crumby.
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00:03:53,934 --> 00:03:55,734
Oh, man.
That's how it starts.
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00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:58,004
Next thing you know, you
can't even take your socks off
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00:03:58,005 --> 00:03:59,738
in your own house.
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00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:03,508
[Luann]
Kirk! Socks!
105
00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:04,643
Mm...
106
00:04:08,649 --> 00:04:10,939
Well, it's been really great
having you guys.
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00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:13,685
We'll finish
the jigsaw puzzle next time.
108
00:04:13,686 --> 00:04:14,954
-[engine revving]
-We-we got the corners.
109
00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:16,555
That's the hard part!
110
00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:20,559
Oh, great.
Now it does a full rotation.
111
00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:23,695
And they say "winkle"
instead of "whiz."
112
00:04:23,731 --> 00:04:24,930
Who says "winkle"?
113
00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:27,466
We should.
I think it's cute.
114
00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:28,867
Winkle.
[chuckling]
115
00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:29,952
[doorbell rings]
116
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,805
Oh, no, it's him.
I'm not here.
117
00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:38,944
Oh, hi, Kirk.
Are you okay?
118
00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:41,513
You're not looking
your most, um...
119
00:04:41,548 --> 00:04:42,614
sheveled.
120
00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:43,983
Uh, that's because
I haven't slept in a week.
121
00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:45,952
I couldn't stop thinking
about how cracker crumbs
122
00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:47,653
are destroying your marital bed.
123
00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:48,954
Who told you that?
124
00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:50,859
-Not me.
-Hey, buddy. I kept wondering
125
00:04:50,860 --> 00:04:52,759
about how I could save
your sexless marriage.
126
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,927
And then some teens
dropped candy apples on my car
127
00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:55,978
from an overpass.
128
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,796
They weren't all teens.
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00:04:57,831 --> 00:04:58,964
I mean, tell us more.
130
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:00,566
When the apples
hit my windshield,
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00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:02,434
the glass cracked
like a spiderweb
132
00:05:02,435 --> 00:05:03,803
but didn't spray any shards.
133
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:05,538
And that is when
I had an epiphany-
134
00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:08,674
I could use that same technology
to make a crumbless cracker.
135
00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:09,841
A crumbless cracker?
136
00:05:09,877 --> 00:05:11,510
That's madness.
137
00:05:11,511 --> 00:05:13,646
All I had to do was create
a new edible polymer
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00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:14,881
and a mouth-safe adhesive.
139
00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:17,582
And after working on that
for 96 hours straight,
140
00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:20,686
I came up with this.
141
00:05:20,721 --> 00:05:22,454
Take a bite, buddy.
142
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:23,889
? ?
143
00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:35,767
[muffled] It broke clean.
144
00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:41,606
Kirk Van Houten,
145
00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:43,642
you did something incredible.
146
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:44,727
No, Homer.
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00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:47,446
We did something incredible.
148
00:05:52,001 --> 00:05:54,169
[muffled] This is big, man.
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00:05:54,170 --> 00:05:55,271
[clearly] It's just hard
to wrap my head around
150
00:05:55,272 --> 00:05:57,240
the idea of a cracker
that doesn't crumb
151
00:05:57,241 --> 00:05:58,561
and a you that doesn't suck.
152
00:06:02,513 --> 00:06:05,414
Oh, yeah, I-I used
to suck pretty hard, yeah.
153
00:06:05,415 --> 00:06:08,117
But you brought me out of it
with your brilliant insight.
154
00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:11,219
And now- now I need you
to take a leap of faith.
155
00:06:11,255 --> 00:06:12,387
I do like faith.
156
00:06:12,423 --> 00:06:15,157
It is the best way to get out
of thinking about stuff.
157
00:06:15,192 --> 00:06:17,292
Quit your job
and partner with me
158
00:06:17,327 --> 00:06:20,395
in a new, cutting-edge
cracker company.
159
00:06:20,431 --> 00:06:21,481
Homer?
160
00:06:21,498 --> 00:06:23,532
A cracker bro?
161
00:06:23,567 --> 00:06:25,333
Let's take a walk.
162
00:06:25,369 --> 00:06:27,402
Picture something for me.
163
00:06:27,438 --> 00:06:29,204
Imagine this street
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00:06:29,239 --> 00:06:31,473
is your whole life.
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00:06:31,508 --> 00:06:33,175
Whoa.
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00:06:34,344 --> 00:06:36,144
For a while, your existence
167
00:06:36,180 --> 00:06:38,113
was pretty good.
168
00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,348
But then things got hard
169
00:06:39,349 --> 00:06:42,250
and life's crackers
began to shower you
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00:06:42,286 --> 00:06:44,453
with their crumbs.
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00:06:45,522 --> 00:06:47,289
The job.
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00:06:47,324 --> 00:06:48,423
The boy.
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00:06:49,493 --> 00:06:51,093
The hair!
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00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:55,230
All those crumbs you endured
were worth it,
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00:06:55,265 --> 00:06:56,465
because they led you
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00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:59,201
to a different path.
177
00:07:02,206 --> 00:07:04,473
And after we walk it,
you're gonna be a hero
178
00:07:04,508 --> 00:07:06,074
to your family...
179
00:07:06,110 --> 00:07:08,110
and to the world.
180
00:07:08,111 --> 00:07:09,579
I want to share
this journey with you
181
00:07:09,580 --> 00:07:12,447
because you're a good man.
182
00:07:12,483 --> 00:07:14,216
I love you.
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00:07:14,251 --> 00:07:16,118
I love you, too.
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00:07:16,153 --> 00:07:18,320
Tell me, do you dare wipe away
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00:07:18,355 --> 00:07:21,256
these starchy particles
of shame?
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00:07:24,595 --> 00:07:26,528
Homer, will you join me
187
00:07:26,563 --> 00:07:29,097
down this unknown road?
188
00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:32,501
I just have one question.
189
00:07:32,536 --> 00:07:34,102
If there's no crumbs,
190
00:07:34,138 --> 00:07:36,104
what's that on your shirt?
191
00:07:36,140 --> 00:07:37,405
Dandruff.
192
00:07:37,441 --> 00:07:38,540
I'm in.
193
00:07:40,577 --> 00:07:42,577
Excuse me, sir,
194
00:07:42,613 --> 00:07:45,514
would you like to taste
the future of bland food?
195
00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:49,284
Mmm!
Not bad.
196
00:07:49,319 --> 00:07:50,519
And no crumbs.
197
00:07:50,554 --> 00:07:53,255
Tonight I'm gonna
have the cleanest beard
198
00:07:53,290 --> 00:07:55,423
at the botched meth handoff.
199
00:07:56,627 --> 00:07:59,161
Sisters, you got to try these.
200
00:08:00,330 --> 00:08:02,531
Mmm, and no crumbs.
201
00:08:02,566 --> 00:08:06,234
It's a crispy habit
that won't mess up your habit.
202
00:08:06,270 --> 00:08:07,536
[all]
It's a miracle.
203
00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:09,304
? ?
204
00:08:09,339 --> 00:08:11,506
Listen up, toilet paper hoarders
205
00:08:11,542 --> 00:08:13,508
and hot dog cheapskates.
206
00:08:13,544 --> 00:08:16,244
The cracker revolution is here.
207
00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:18,180
[cheering]
208
00:08:19,149 --> 00:08:21,249
Yums, not crumbs.
209
00:08:21,285 --> 00:08:23,251
Yums,
not crumbs.
210
00:08:23,287 --> 00:08:25,253
[all chanting]
Yums, not crumbs!
211
00:08:25,289 --> 00:08:27,222
Yums, not crumbs!
212
00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:28,456
It's happening.
213
00:08:28,492 --> 00:08:29,542
[grunts]
214
00:08:31,195 --> 00:08:32,460
[gasping, murmuring]
215
00:08:32,496 --> 00:08:34,429
Um, Kirk, as your doctor,
216
00:08:34,430 --> 00:08:36,432
I am deeply concerned
by your behavior.
217
00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:39,201
[chuckles] I left you
a message regarding your-
218
00:08:39,236 --> 00:08:40,286
Not now, Doc.
219
00:08:40,304 --> 00:08:42,337
I've got to change the world.
220
00:08:42,372 --> 00:08:44,439
And no crumbs.
221
00:08:44,474 --> 00:08:46,608
[cheering]
222
00:08:46,643 --> 00:08:48,510
? ?
223
00:08:54,484 --> 00:08:55,550
Good news.
224
00:08:55,586 --> 00:08:58,353
Delta Airlines
just ordered cracker sleeves
225
00:08:58,388 --> 00:09:00,255
for their entire fleet.
226
00:09:00,290 --> 00:09:02,290
Going crumbless
is gonna save them
227
00:09:02,326 --> 00:09:05,193
$1.5 million a day
228
00:09:05,229 --> 00:09:06,328
in cleaning costs.
229
00:09:06,363 --> 00:09:07,529
[all exclaiming]
230
00:09:07,564 --> 00:09:09,130
Uh, gar�on,
231
00:09:09,131 --> 00:09:11,367
how much is your
most expensive bottle of wine?
232
00:09:11,368 --> 00:09:12,401
Forty bucks.
233
00:09:12,402 --> 00:09:14,135
Snoopy's on the bottle.
234
00:09:14,136 --> 00:09:16,172
Aw, that's not good enough
for my friends.
235
00:09:16,173 --> 00:09:19,507
Which is why I bought
this $15,000 bottle
236
00:09:19,543 --> 00:09:21,343
at auction.
237
00:09:21,378 --> 00:09:23,111
[gasping]
238
00:09:23,112 --> 00:09:25,414
Uh, sweetheart,
isn't that a little pricey?
239
00:09:25,415 --> 00:09:26,616
Honey, if there's
one thing I know,
240
00:09:26,617 --> 00:09:29,217
it's that there will always
be enough money
241
00:09:29,253 --> 00:09:31,419
for everything forever.
242
00:09:31,455 --> 00:09:35,090
We are eternity!
243
00:09:35,125 --> 00:09:37,292
Nothing goes away.
244
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:42,230
Dad, you're being
a little weird.
245
00:09:42,266 --> 00:09:44,399
Oh, Milhouse, you're so wise.
246
00:09:44,434 --> 00:09:45,484
And, Luann,
247
00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:48,169
you're just so freakin' hot.
248
00:09:48,205 --> 00:09:50,305
I wish I was that lobster bib,
249
00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:53,575
just so damp and all over you.
250
00:09:53,610 --> 00:09:55,510
Does Kirk seem a little...
251
00:09:55,545 --> 00:09:57,279
bejazzled?
252
00:09:57,314 --> 00:10:00,448
Shh, we're missing
his brilliant insights.
253
00:10:00,484 --> 00:10:02,384
Oh, I just love the feeling
254
00:10:02,419 --> 00:10:04,586
of your sweat touching my sweat.
255
00:10:04,621 --> 00:10:07,188
Mmm...
256
00:10:07,224 --> 00:10:08,323
Ooh. Ooh, yeah.
257
00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:10,258
Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.
258
00:10:10,259 --> 00:10:12,228
Oh, let me get a better look
at you, baby.
259
00:10:12,229 --> 00:10:13,279
Come here. Come here.
260
00:10:14,498 --> 00:10:17,132
-Be careful.
-[gasps] Honey, please.
261
00:10:17,167 --> 00:10:19,601
Oh, come on, baby.
Shake your Milhouse-maker.
262
00:10:19,636 --> 00:10:21,569
I want to bang
263
00:10:21,605 --> 00:10:24,606
the whole world!
264
00:10:24,641 --> 00:10:27,142
Sixteen, 17,
265
00:10:27,177 --> 00:10:28,576
18, 19...
266
00:10:28,612 --> 00:10:30,378
Amazing.
267
00:10:30,379 --> 00:10:32,615
I don't know what's happening
with Mr. Van Houten.
268
00:10:32,616 --> 00:10:34,416
It's like he's on something.
269
00:10:34,451 --> 00:10:36,418
More like he's off something.
270
00:10:36,453 --> 00:10:39,254
You see, Kirk suffers
from bipolar disorder.
271
00:10:39,255 --> 00:10:40,389
And he ran out of his meds
272
00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:41,590
during
the pharmaceutical shortage
273
00:10:41,591 --> 00:10:45,193
caused by that horribly
ill-advised wildlife crossing.
274
00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:46,494
[groaning softly]
275
00:10:46,530 --> 00:10:48,363
And when the drug supply
returned,
276
00:10:48,398 --> 00:10:50,265
Kirk refused
to go back on his meds
277
00:10:50,300 --> 00:10:53,635
because he felt like, quote,
"Superman surfing a hurricane."
278
00:10:53,670 --> 00:10:57,505
I'm afraid your friend
is now well into a manic phase.
279
00:10:57,541 --> 00:10:59,307
Um, Dr. Hibbert,
280
00:10:59,343 --> 00:11:01,343
should you be
telling us all this?
281
00:11:01,378 --> 00:11:02,510
Probably not.
282
00:11:02,546 --> 00:11:05,347
But I just had five
mac and cheese ball martinis.
283
00:11:05,382 --> 00:11:07,552
I guess
doctor-patient confidentiality
284
00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:10,385
doesn't stand a chance
against deep-fried gin.
285
00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:12,153
[giggles]
286
00:11:12,189 --> 00:11:13,421
I feel terrible.
287
00:11:13,457 --> 00:11:16,324
He needs to get back
on his medication.
288
00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:18,393
Kirk has a serious illness.
289
00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:22,263
Marge, you just had
a $3,000 glass of wine.
290
00:11:22,299 --> 00:11:24,199
How is that an illness?
291
00:11:24,234 --> 00:11:25,467
Yeah, Kirk rules.
292
00:11:25,468 --> 00:11:27,536
He's like the Joker
in those awesome Batman movies
293
00:11:27,537 --> 00:11:29,137
where there's no Batman.
294
00:11:29,172 --> 00:11:30,538
According to the DSM-5,
295
00:11:30,574 --> 00:11:32,374
bipolar disorder type I
296
00:11:32,409 --> 00:11:34,509
causes periods of up,
elated behavior
297
00:11:34,544 --> 00:11:38,179
followed by down periods
of despair and hopelessness.
298
00:11:38,215 --> 00:11:39,314
Guys, wait up!
299
00:11:39,349 --> 00:11:41,149
I need to tell you something.
300
00:11:42,185 --> 00:11:44,219
Thank you for coming, buddy.
301
00:11:44,254 --> 00:11:45,884
[grunts]
Really appreciate it.
302
00:11:47,357 --> 00:11:50,225
I don't even live
in this direction! [laughs]
303
00:11:54,531 --> 00:11:56,197
Hi, Luann.
304
00:11:56,233 --> 00:11:59,467
I wanted to talk about
Kirk's behavior last night.
305
00:11:59,503 --> 00:12:01,403
It seemed a little, uh,
306
00:12:01,438 --> 00:12:03,171
unmedicated?
307
00:12:03,206 --> 00:12:05,240
Oh, right.
Kirk's "disorder."
308
00:12:05,241 --> 00:12:06,575
It turns out there's a cure-
309
00:12:06,576 --> 00:12:08,376
money.
310
00:12:08,412 --> 00:12:10,311
That'll be all, Cashington.
311
00:12:10,347 --> 00:12:12,280
But aren't you worried that-
312
00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:15,150
That I won't be able
to keep him sexually satisfied?
313
00:12:15,185 --> 00:12:16,284
Of course I am.
314
00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:18,453
We've made love
four times today.
315
00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:22,257
Five, if you count the time
he took me at Panera Bread.
316
00:12:22,292 --> 00:12:24,225
Why wouldn't you count that one?
317
00:12:24,261 --> 00:12:26,294
Listen, Marge,
I know you're only here
318
00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:28,229
because you want
to sleep with Kirk.
319
00:12:28,265 --> 00:12:29,597
I do not.
320
00:12:29,633 --> 00:12:32,567
Really? He just became
a minority owner
321
00:12:32,602 --> 00:12:34,402
of the Calgary Flames.
322
00:12:34,438 --> 00:12:36,404
They haven't been good
for years.
323
00:12:36,405 --> 00:12:37,640
Aren't you at least worried
324
00:12:37,641 --> 00:12:40,408
about how this
could affect Milhouse?
325
00:12:40,444 --> 00:12:41,576
Look at me.
326
00:12:41,611 --> 00:12:43,311
I'm Daddy.
327
00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:44,579
[grunting]
328
00:12:44,580 --> 00:12:45,648
-[crash]
-[glass shatters]
329
00:12:45,649 --> 00:12:47,283
[short chuckle]
That's going to be
330
00:12:47,284 --> 00:12:49,150
the boarding school's problem.
331
00:12:49,151 --> 00:12:50,419
[host] You're watching CNBC:
332
00:12:50,420 --> 00:12:53,254
The Crackers,
Nothing But Crackers Network.
333
00:12:53,290 --> 00:12:54,489
I'm Harper Poppyseed,
334
00:12:54,524 --> 00:12:57,192
-and this is Crunchtime Live.
-[crunch]
335
00:12:57,193 --> 00:13:00,262
Today, we talk with the genius
behind the crumbless cracker,
336
00:13:00,263 --> 00:13:03,298
Kirk Van Houten, and
his cofounder, Homer Simpson.
337
00:13:03,333 --> 00:13:06,167
Your Kirkers brand
now controls six percent
338
00:13:06,168 --> 00:13:07,436
of the national saltine market.
339
00:13:07,437 --> 00:13:09,247
What are your plans
for expansion?
340
00:13:09,248 --> 00:13:10,573
We don't have
a plan for expansion.
341
00:13:10,574 --> 00:13:12,373
We have a plan for domination.
342
00:13:12,409 --> 00:13:14,409
I eat skyscrapers.
343
00:13:14,444 --> 00:13:16,411
Um, what my colleague is saying
344
00:13:16,446 --> 00:13:19,314
is that we have a plan
for measured, steady growth.
345
00:13:19,349 --> 00:13:21,516
What is this thing? I hate it.
346
00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:23,284
Do you mean the stock ticker?
347
00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:25,253
Oh, look, it's Cheez-Its.
348
00:13:25,288 --> 00:13:28,289
Oh, those cheddar chumps
turned me down for a job
349
00:13:28,325 --> 00:13:29,375
seven years ago.
350
00:13:29,376 --> 00:13:30,392
Hey, 'Zits.
351
00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:32,227
Tell me how my butt tastes.
352
00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:33,529
Well, that's
all the time we have.
353
00:13:33,530 --> 00:13:34,610
Thanks for joining us.
354
00:13:34,631 --> 00:13:37,365
Mr. Van Houten, your competitors
say your product
355
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:38,600
is not all it's cracked-
356
00:13:38,601 --> 00:13:40,469
Are we really gonna
talk about crackers
357
00:13:40,470 --> 00:13:42,638
when humanity is
on the verge of extinction
358
00:13:42,639 --> 00:13:45,573
and I am the only one
who can save us?
359
00:13:45,609 --> 00:13:47,308
[chuckles softly]
Excuse me?
360
00:13:47,309 --> 00:13:49,545
Once temperatures on the Earth's
surface become lethal,
361
00:13:49,546 --> 00:13:52,447
we need to transport citizens
to the ocean floor
362
00:13:52,482 --> 00:13:54,482
using a high-speed
aquatic rocket.
363
00:13:54,518 --> 00:13:56,417
Oh. Oh, my God.
364
00:13:56,453 --> 00:13:59,554
Mr. Van Houten, your stock
has plummeted over 60%
365
00:13:59,589 --> 00:14:01,289
since the start
of our interview.
366
00:14:01,324 --> 00:14:03,358
And humanity needs to plummet
367
00:14:03,393 --> 00:14:06,361
2,000 fathoms
to the ocean floor.
368
00:14:06,396 --> 00:14:09,130
Fund the Aqua Rocket now!
369
00:14:09,165 --> 00:14:11,533
Oh. It's no longer safe
for me to be here.
370
00:14:11,568 --> 00:14:13,268
[yells, grunts]
371
00:14:13,303 --> 00:14:16,137
Ow!
It's not a real city.
372
00:14:16,172 --> 00:14:18,273
Homer, I don't feel so good.
373
00:14:24,013 --> 00:14:25,213
Hey, buddy.
374
00:14:25,248 --> 00:14:26,347
Whatcha doing?
375
00:14:26,383 --> 00:14:28,216
Checking the weather.
376
00:14:28,251 --> 00:14:29,384
Gray and cloudy.
377
00:14:29,419 --> 00:14:31,152
Refresh.
378
00:14:31,187 --> 00:14:32,420
Gray and cloudy.
379
00:14:32,455 --> 00:14:33,988
Refresh.
380
00:14:33,989 --> 00:14:38,427
You know how some people think
you're something called bipolar?
381
00:14:38,428 --> 00:14:42,163
Not me. But this might be
the other pole.
382
00:14:42,198 --> 00:14:45,066
I think I'm gonna
stop brushing my teeth.
383
00:14:46,369 --> 00:14:48,202
This is the FBI!
384
00:14:48,238 --> 00:14:49,288
We have a warrant.
385
00:14:53,076 --> 00:14:54,409
Why is the FBI here?
386
00:14:54,444 --> 00:14:57,412
Uh, because I stole money
from the cracker company
387
00:14:57,447 --> 00:14:59,180
to fund the Aqua Rocket,
388
00:14:59,215 --> 00:15:03,051
and now we're being
investigated by the SEC.
389
00:15:03,086 --> 00:15:05,320
[gasps]
The Salty Edibles Commission?
390
00:15:05,355 --> 00:15:07,322
No, no, no, no!
391
00:15:07,357 --> 00:15:10,325
Mm, my hand smells like cheese.
392
00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:12,327
[Marge]
What the hell is happening?
393
00:15:12,362 --> 00:15:15,012
Well, Kirk has been stealing
money from the company
394
00:15:15,013 --> 00:15:17,433
to fund an underwater super boat
that doesn't exist.
395
00:15:17,434 --> 00:15:19,434
Well, everyone is terrified.
396
00:15:19,469 --> 00:15:21,336
As soon as the FBI came in,
397
00:15:21,371 --> 00:15:23,237
Bart ran upstairs.
398
00:15:23,273 --> 00:15:25,306
Not the feds, not the feds.
399
00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:31,045
You know how I was warning you
about how Kirk was bipolar?
400
00:15:31,081 --> 00:15:33,247
I was the one-
Y-You didn't-
401
00:15:33,248 --> 00:15:34,316
Oh!
402
00:15:34,317 --> 00:15:36,117
It's okay, it's okay.
403
00:15:36,152 --> 00:15:37,285
I forgive you.
404
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,420
I have a plan
to make everything right.
405
00:15:39,456 --> 00:15:41,356
What could you possibly do?
406
00:15:41,391 --> 00:15:44,025
I've got to take the fall
for Kirk's crimes.
407
00:15:44,060 --> 00:15:46,427
Our family's in ruins!
408
00:15:46,463 --> 00:15:49,030
No, no.
Look, if Kirk goes to jail,
409
00:15:49,031 --> 00:15:50,432
the cracker company
is worthless.
410
00:15:50,433 --> 00:15:52,100
But if I confess,
411
00:15:52,135 --> 00:15:54,435
our shares in the business
will make us rich.
412
00:15:54,471 --> 00:15:56,404
No amount of money can fix this.
413
00:15:56,439 --> 00:15:58,272
Not even this much?
414
00:15:58,273 --> 00:15:59,341
Not even-
415
00:15:59,342 --> 00:16:00,392
[gasps]
416
00:16:00,410 --> 00:16:03,111
I-I-I still don't think
you should do it.
417
00:16:03,146 --> 00:16:05,279
Oh, there's another zero.
418
00:16:05,315 --> 00:16:06,381
It doesn't matter.
419
00:16:06,416 --> 00:16:09,417
Promise me you won't
take the fall for Kirk.
420
00:16:09,452 --> 00:16:11,352
Okay, I promise.
421
00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:13,921
I'll think of another way.
422
00:16:14,991 --> 00:16:16,041
Dearest Marge,
423
00:16:16,042 --> 00:16:17,426
I couldn't think of another way.
424
00:16:17,427 --> 00:16:18,460
[gasps loudly]
425
00:16:18,461 --> 00:16:20,194
Please try not to gasp.
426
00:16:20,230 --> 00:16:21,295
I'll be okay.
427
00:16:21,296 --> 00:16:23,165
They'll send me
to a white-collar prison
428
00:16:23,166 --> 00:16:26,367
that probably has lots of DVs
in their DVD library.
429
00:16:26,403 --> 00:16:29,437
Kiss Lisa and Maggie
and strangle the boy for me.
430
00:16:29,472 --> 00:16:31,105
Love, Homer.
431
00:16:31,106 --> 00:16:32,341
[the tune of "Everybody Hurts"
playing]
432
00:16:32,342 --> 00:16:36,010
? When your day is long ?
433
00:16:37,247 --> 00:16:39,013
? And at night ?
434
00:16:40,183 --> 00:16:43,384
? At night you snack alone ?
435
00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:51,459
? When you're sure
your hunger's gone ?
436
00:16:53,196 --> 00:16:55,129
? For this life ?
437
00:16:56,466 --> 00:16:59,367
? Well, pang on ?
438
00:17:03,273 --> 00:17:07,108
? Don't let yourself choke ?
439
00:17:10,413 --> 00:17:15,049
? Just because your mouth
is dry ?
440
00:17:18,421 --> 00:17:22,957
? Everybody Kirks ?
441
00:17:24,027 --> 00:17:27,128
? Crumb-times ?
442
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:33,401
? Well, everybody Kirks ?
443
00:17:35,338 --> 00:17:37,338
? Crumb-times ?
444
00:17:37,373 --> 00:17:41,943
? When crackers
taste like lies ?
445
00:17:46,015 --> 00:17:50,351
? Everybody Kirks ?
446
00:17:50,386 --> 00:17:53,321
? So munch on ?
447
00:17:54,357 --> 00:17:57,191
? Munch on ?
448
00:17:57,227 --> 00:18:01,996
? Everybody Kirks. ?
449
00:18:03,133 --> 00:18:04,398
Munch on, Kirk.
450
00:18:07,203 --> 00:18:09,337
I need to talk
to your husband now.
451
00:18:09,338 --> 00:18:10,372
Oh, look.
452
00:18:10,373 --> 00:18:12,340
Kitty needs her ball of yarn.
453
00:18:12,375 --> 00:18:15,209
I see you wore
your sluttiest dress.
454
00:18:15,245 --> 00:18:17,178
Whatever.
Where is he?
455
00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:22,050
Oh, Kirk, I know you're not
to blame for this depression,
456
00:18:22,051 --> 00:18:23,101
and I'm sorry.
457
00:18:23,119 --> 00:18:25,052
[groaning]
458
00:18:25,053 --> 00:18:26,088
But Homer is-
459
00:18:26,089 --> 00:18:28,022
Stop eating turkey!
460
00:18:28,057 --> 00:18:29,223
Bleh.
461
00:18:29,259 --> 00:18:31,058
Wake up!
462
00:18:31,094 --> 00:18:33,227
[howling]
463
00:18:33,263 --> 00:18:37,064
Kirk, you're only supposed
to use the pool shower.
464
00:18:37,100 --> 00:18:38,266
Sad, Marge.
465
00:18:38,301 --> 00:18:40,201
Just sad.
466
00:18:40,236 --> 00:18:44,038
Homer is on his way
to confess to your crimes.
467
00:18:44,073 --> 00:18:46,440
You have to go to the FBI
and tell them the truth.
468
00:18:46,476 --> 00:18:49,210
My house is crying on me.
469
00:18:49,245 --> 00:18:51,279
Dr. Hibbert gave me your pills.
470
00:18:51,314 --> 00:18:53,381
God love him,
but he's so unethical.
471
00:18:53,416 --> 00:18:56,217
If you take these,
you'll feel better.
472
00:18:56,252 --> 00:18:58,953
But no one likes me
when I'm regular Kirk.
473
00:18:58,954 --> 00:19:00,389
When I stopped taking my meds,
474
00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:02,290
everyone liked me.
475
00:19:02,325 --> 00:19:04,926
I didn't.
But if you ever cared
476
00:19:04,961 --> 00:19:06,961
about your friendship
with Homer,
477
00:19:06,996 --> 00:19:08,196
take this.
478
00:19:09,999 --> 00:19:12,033
[grunting, gulps]
479
00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:14,168
Homer's been gone for so long.
480
00:19:14,169 --> 00:19:16,405
There's no time to catch up
to him before he confesses
481
00:19:16,406 --> 00:19:18,406
and my family is destroyed.
482
00:19:18,441 --> 00:19:20,408
Whoa.
Yes, there is.
483
00:19:20,443 --> 00:19:22,343
The-the Aqua Rocket.
484
00:19:22,378 --> 00:19:25,046
There is no Aqua Rocket.
485
00:19:25,081 --> 00:19:28,950
It only exists
in your manic, psychotic mind.
486
00:19:28,985 --> 00:19:30,151
? ?
487
00:19:30,186 --> 00:19:32,186
Aah!
488
00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:40,995
This is incredible.
489
00:19:41,030 --> 00:19:43,030
Oh, I couldn't even get
the color right.
490
00:19:43,031 --> 00:19:44,433
The missiles don't even work.
491
00:19:44,434 --> 00:19:46,267
I'm so stupid.
492
00:19:51,407 --> 00:19:54,976
Is this what being manic
feels like?
493
00:19:54,977 --> 00:19:56,011
Yeah.
494
00:19:56,012 --> 00:19:58,446
Now I get it.
495
00:20:01,351 --> 00:20:03,150
Aqua Rocket?!
496
00:20:06,189 --> 00:20:08,155
But I can't let you go to jail.
497
00:20:08,191 --> 00:20:09,357
The world needs you.
498
00:20:09,392 --> 00:20:11,092
I need you.
499
00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:13,327
The person you need
is manic Kirk.
500
00:20:13,363 --> 00:20:15,162
And he's gone.
501
00:20:15,198 --> 00:20:17,064
But we were going to walk down
502
00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:19,166
the unknown road together.
503
00:20:19,167 --> 00:20:20,235
Hey, hey.
504
00:20:20,236 --> 00:20:23,204
We'll always have
CrackerCon Cleveland.
505
00:20:27,277 --> 00:20:29,343
Kirk, never forget-
506
00:20:29,379 --> 00:20:32,413
you are the best dude.
507
00:20:40,919 --> 00:20:43,392
["Superman" by R.E.M. playing]
508
00:20:43,393 --> 00:20:45,226
-? I am ?
-? I am ?
509
00:20:45,261 --> 00:20:48,229
? I am Superman ?
510
00:20:48,264 --> 00:20:52,099
? And I know what's happening. ?
511
00:20:55,704 --> 00:20:58,906
? If you go
a million miles away ?
512
00:20:58,941 --> 00:21:02,777
? I'll track you down, girl ?
513
00:21:02,812 --> 00:21:05,980
? Trust me when I say I know ?
514
00:21:06,015 --> 00:21:09,183
? The pathway to your heart ?
515
00:21:09,218 --> 00:21:11,152
? I am ?
516
00:21:11,187 --> 00:21:14,121
? I am Superman ?
517
00:21:14,157 --> 00:21:17,224
? And I know what's happening ?
518
00:21:19,095 --> 00:21:21,762
-? I am ?
-? I am ?
519
00:21:21,798 --> 00:21:24,765
? I am Superman ?
520
00:21:24,801 --> 00:21:27,868
? And I can't do anything. ?
521
00:21:27,869 --> 00:21:30,038
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
522
00:21:30,039 --> 00:21:31,840
and
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
523
00:21:31,841 --> 00:21:33,141
and TOYOTA.
524
00:21:33,142 --> 00:21:34,843
Captioned by Media
Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
525
00:21:34,844 --> 00:21:36,243
Shh.
526
00:21:36,293 --> 00:21:40,843
Repair and Synchronization by
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