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1
00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:04,603
? It seems today
that all you see ?
2
00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:07,873
? Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ?
3
00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:11,477
? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?
4
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,480
? On which we used to rely? ?
5
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:17,983
? Lucky there's a family guy ?
6
00:00:18,019 --> 00:00:21,253
? Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ?
7
00:00:21,288 --> 00:00:22,855
? All the things that make us ?
8
00:00:22,890 --> 00:00:24,256
? Laugh and cry ?
9
00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:29,762
? He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ?
10
00:00:36,103 --> 00:00:37,503
Welcome to Quahog's
11
00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:40,139
first recreational dispensary.
12
00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:42,741
Now, as you all know,
I was against this.
13
00:00:42,777 --> 00:00:44,243
I fought it tooth.
14
00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:46,712
Maybe I should have
also fought it nail.
15
00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:48,380
But that time is gone.
16
00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:51,183
[cheering, clamoring]
17
00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:54,286
Settle down, there's
enough drugs for everybody.
18
00:00:54,321 --> 00:00:56,455
Wow, Quahog has
a lot more white guys
19
00:00:56,456 --> 00:00:58,391
with blond dreadlocks
than I thought.
20
00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,826
-Mm.
-And a fair number of Black ladies
21
00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:02,895
with the blond dreadlocks guys.
22
00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:04,230
Cleveland, what do you think
about th-
23
00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:05,899
We don't like
to talk about it, Peter.
24
00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:08,100
It's a big problem
in our community.
25
00:01:08,101 --> 00:01:10,136
It's just, you should know,
in the white community,
26
00:01:10,137 --> 00:01:11,938
these guys are
kind of considered, like,
27
00:01:11,939 --> 00:01:13,072
big-time rascals.
28
00:01:13,107 --> 00:01:15,074
We're aware. It's being handled.
29
00:01:15,109 --> 00:01:16,809
There was just
a big Zoom about it.
30
00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:18,778
-Maybe you could, uh-
-We're gonna go ahead
31
00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:21,447
and deal with this one
in-house.
32
00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:23,549
How ya doing?
33
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:25,417
There is a plan.
34
00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:26,885
That's all I need to know.
35
00:01:29,884 --> 00:01:34,961
Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch
in witness protection
36
00:01:34,962 --> 00:01:36,895
when I'm at breakfast?
37
00:01:38,299 --> 00:01:40,632
Susie and I saw you
unloading groceries
38
00:01:40,668 --> 00:01:43,102
and wanted to let you know
if you need
39
00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:45,471
to borrow reusable bags,
40
00:01:45,506 --> 00:01:47,172
I have a bunch.
41
00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:50,442
And you know you can't soak
cast iron skillets, right?
42
00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:52,111
It strips the seasoning.
43
00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:54,580
Oh. Mrs. S
is throwing haymakers.
44
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:55,914
It's not soaking.
45
00:01:55,950 --> 00:01:57,783
I'm cooking water.
46
00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:02,588
Oreos. Here we go, baby-
47
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,123
Aah!
48
00:02:04,158 --> 00:02:05,457
I want Oreos.
49
00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:06,493
[crying]
50
00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:09,294
Hey, they're just Oreos, relax.
51
00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:11,163
Besides, they're not for babies.
52
00:02:11,164 --> 00:02:12,699
They're for rewarding
good behavior
53
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:14,333
in developmentally slow adults.
54
00:02:14,368 --> 00:02:15,968
[phone chimes, vibrates]
55
00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:29,248
So then I was like,
what if I've also
56
00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:31,884
been the mailman the whole time?
57
00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:33,789
Yeah, you were saying
that in the car.
58
00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:35,321
I know, but you didn't respond.
59
00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:37,157
Let's, uh, let's lock
these guys up in the cabinet
60
00:02:37,158 --> 00:02:38,208
for a while, huh?
61
00:02:38,225 --> 00:02:39,725
Yeah, I think that'd be best.
62
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,326
[suspenseful music playing]
63
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,573
Bingo.
64
00:02:59,446 --> 00:03:01,480
Oh, baby! Bonus candy.
65
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:04,950
Mm, not really feeling
the sugar rush.
66
00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:11,156
I can feel
my heartbeat in my eyes.
67
00:03:15,715 --> 00:03:17,797
Good idea, Rupert.
68
00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:19,498
Music will help me relax.
69
00:03:19,499 --> 00:03:20,934
["Wheels on the Bus"
playing on iPad]
70
00:03:20,935 --> 00:03:23,302
Okay, this is good.
This is helping.
71
00:03:23,337 --> 00:03:24,970
[man cackles on iPad]
72
00:03:25,005 --> 00:03:27,139
? The wheels on the bus ?
73
00:03:27,174 --> 00:03:29,541
? Go round and round ?
74
00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:32,044
-Why should I
be afraid of dying? -Wait, what?
75
00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:33,912
? With a lunatic ?
76
00:03:33,948 --> 00:03:36,114
? On the grassy ground ?
77
00:03:36,150 --> 00:03:37,649
[cackling]
78
00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:40,118
? If you hear ?
79
00:03:40,154 --> 00:03:42,254
? The lunatic's howl ?
80
00:03:42,289 --> 00:03:44,790
-[howling]
-? The wheels on the bus ?
81
00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:48,293
? May start to growl ?
82
00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:52,064
? The lunatic is in my head ?
83
00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:55,300
? And very soon we'll all be ?
84
00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:56,435
Dead.
85
00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:58,570
I wonder if this is why
Ben and Jerry
86
00:03:58,606 --> 00:04:00,405
started making ice cream.
87
00:04:02,509 --> 00:04:03,976
[indistinct chatter]
88
00:04:04,011 --> 00:04:05,978
Hey, grab your lunches.
I know a spot.
89
00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:10,816
I think I may take a gap year.
90
00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:12,084
You know, hit the road.
91
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,519
There's something
I've been searching for
92
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:15,387
for a while that I need to find.
93
00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:17,489
Little guy named Stewie Griffin.
94
00:04:17,524 --> 00:04:19,157
Can-can you hear any of this?
95
00:04:19,158 --> 00:04:20,827
I'm not even trying
to listen anymore.
96
00:04:20,828 --> 00:04:22,148
I'm thinking about soccer.
97
00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:24,296
Guys, what are you doing
up here?
98
00:04:24,331 --> 00:04:25,597
Big no-no.
99
00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:27,566
The roof is off limits.
100
00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:31,637
Stewie, are you high?
101
00:04:31,638 --> 00:04:32,705
Yeah, so are you.
102
00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:33,706
We're on the roof.
103
00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:35,274
Okay, I heard that.
104
00:04:35,309 --> 00:04:37,109
That was funny.
105
00:04:38,165 --> 00:04:42,181
[announcer]
We now return to a Dateline
106
00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:43,815
with a beloved town dentist.
107
00:04:43,851 --> 00:04:45,784
-He did it. It was him.
-[knocking]
108
00:04:48,289 --> 00:04:49,855
Peter, we got a big problem.
109
00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:53,158
It appears Stewie
was high on pot at school.
110
00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:55,127
Excuse me for one second.
111
00:04:55,162 --> 00:04:57,262
Lois, someone's
at the door for you.
112
00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:00,699
Joe, why-why do you have Stewie?
113
00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:02,902
I'm sorry to tell you this,
Lois, but, apparently,
114
00:05:02,903 --> 00:05:05,671
-Stewie was high at school.
-What?!
115
00:05:05,672 --> 00:05:07,573
It's the worst thing
I've seen in my career,
116
00:05:07,574 --> 00:05:09,042
and I've seen four dead bodies.
117
00:05:09,043 --> 00:05:11,077
Though, technically,
that was a zip-lining accident
118
00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:13,779
-in Costa Rica.
-O-Okay.
119
00:05:13,780 --> 00:05:16,049
Maybe not the best idea
having 13-year-olds
120
00:05:16,050 --> 00:05:17,983
-securing those carabiners.
-Joe, I-
121
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:19,319
You know they
wouldn't even let me
122
00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:21,054
bring my own camera
on the zip line?
123
00:05:21,055 --> 00:05:22,220
Odd, right?
124
00:05:22,221 --> 00:05:23,523
Well, turns out, they just want
125
00:05:23,524 --> 00:05:24,923
to sell you their photos.
126
00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:26,391
I'll take it from here, Joe.
127
00:05:26,392 --> 00:05:27,727
Thanks for bringing him home.
128
00:05:27,728 --> 00:05:29,394
This is a serious offense, Lois.
129
00:05:29,430 --> 00:05:32,064
I have a court order
to remove him from your custody.
130
00:05:32,099 --> 00:05:33,365
What? No.
131
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:34,533
Please.
132
00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:35,834
I'm sorry, Lois.
133
00:05:35,869 --> 00:05:38,170
No! My baby!
134
00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,604
Please.
135
00:05:39,605 --> 00:05:41,274
Oh, I got to keep
Stewie entertained,
136
00:05:41,275 --> 00:05:42,708
so I'm gonna need your iPad.
137
00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:44,376
What? No!
138
00:05:44,411 --> 00:05:46,478
My baby! Please.
139
00:05:50,530 --> 00:05:54,220
Hey, what's gonna happen
with Stewie?
140
00:05:54,221 --> 00:05:56,389
Well, he's at the Swansons
until I complete
141
00:05:56,390 --> 00:05:58,757
court-ordered
online parenting classes.
142
00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:01,159
Throwing this out there-
if you want a new baby
143
00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:02,694
in six months, let me know.
144
00:06:02,730 --> 00:06:04,730
You got to tell me
within five months.
145
00:06:05,833 --> 00:06:07,899
Eh, five and a half, max.
146
00:06:11,638 --> 00:06:14,506
So, Stewie, I know your dad
is a pretty funny guy,
147
00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:17,776
but I'm kind of
the "your dad" around here.
148
00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:19,411
Yeah, Pops doesn't really talk
149
00:06:19,446 --> 00:06:21,113
about being funny, he just is.
150
00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:23,549
Yeah, Stewie, comedy's
pretty big in this house, too.
151
00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,617
In fact, I recently
submitted a packet
152
00:06:25,652 --> 00:06:27,819
to get into the Capitol Steps.
153
00:06:27,855 --> 00:06:29,888
Nobody knows what that is, Joe.
154
00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:32,325
They're pretty well known
in the political satire,
155
00:06:32,326 --> 00:06:33,892
off-center comedy world.
156
00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:36,862
Anybody here know if Tip O'Neill
is a generous tipper?
157
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:40,232
[chuckles] I make a bit of hay
about that in the packet.
158
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:42,701
Tip O'Neill's been dead
since 1994.
159
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,269
[phone chimes]
160
00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:46,471
Voicemail
from the Capitol Steps.
161
00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:48,373
Hey, Joe, this is Clarkey.
162
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,942
So sorry, but we're gonna pass.
163
00:06:50,943 --> 00:06:52,745
We're looking
for someone more off-center,
164
00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:54,846
more skewed,
if that makes sense?
165
00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:56,848
That's what I am!
166
00:06:56,849 --> 00:06:58,785
There's plenty
of other comedy groups.
167
00:06:58,786 --> 00:06:59,985
Oh, really?
168
00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:01,920
Like the Capitol freakin' Steps?
169
00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:03,388
-[panting]
-What about-
170
00:07:03,389 --> 00:07:05,424
If you say the words
"Ocean State Follies,"
171
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:06,758
I swear to God,
172
00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:09,661
I'll empty my bag
all over the floor.
173
00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:15,066
Meg, please,
I really need the laptop.
174
00:07:15,067 --> 00:07:17,203
I'm just about done
with my parenting classes
175
00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:18,804
and then I can get Stewie back.
176
00:07:18,805 --> 00:07:20,773
One sec, I got
to finish this mandatory
177
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,241
sexual harassment course today
178
00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:24,043
or I'm not allowed
around the janitors.
179
00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:26,077
[teacher]
True or false: it's okay
180
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:28,880
to slap a man's bottom
if he knows you.
181
00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:30,315
That's got to be true.
182
00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:31,783
-False.
-I'm done.
183
00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:33,084
Thanks, Meg.
184
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,953
This has been so hard for me.
185
00:07:34,988 --> 00:07:37,656
A mama just can't be separated
from her kiddos.
186
00:07:37,657 --> 00:07:40,426
Well, I'm off to Denver with
the guy from the magic shop.
187
00:07:40,427 --> 00:07:42,227
Okay, see you at dinner.
188
00:07:42,262 --> 00:07:44,972
Only if you're in the greater
Denver area there, hoss.
189
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:51,103
I'm just gonna give you
the "title" of the sketch.
190
00:07:51,104 --> 00:07:53,305
It's called
"The Dan Quayle Spelling Bee."
191
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:55,106
The jokes write themselves.
192
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:57,008
-Do one.
-[doorbell rings]
193
00:07:58,512 --> 00:07:59,611
Here it is.
194
00:07:59,612 --> 00:08:01,047
I'm done
with my parenting class.
195
00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:02,247
Where's my baby?
196
00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:03,615
I'm happy for you, Lois,
197
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,483
but don't let this happen again.
198
00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:08,620
We ran out of diapers,
so he's wearing a Walgreens bag.
199
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:11,756
Oh, Stewie, I am so happy
to have you back.
200
00:08:11,792 --> 00:08:15,260
Mama's never gonna let anything
like this happen again, okay?
201
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:16,761
This place is a nightmare.
202
00:08:16,762 --> 00:08:18,531
They don't even have
a xylophone on a string
203
00:08:18,532 --> 00:08:20,298
that you can drag behind you.
204
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:25,270
Well, if nobody's next,
I guess I'll just go again.
205
00:08:27,982 --> 00:08:33,412
Now that Stewie's back,
we're gonna have some new rules
206
00:08:33,413 --> 00:08:34,713
to keep us safe.
207
00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:36,681
First: it is
no longer sufficient
208
00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:38,984
for our pet
to look after our baby.
209
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,019
Probably... probably
the right call.
210
00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:43,021
Second: kids' bedroom doors
211
00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:44,891
are not allowed
to be closed all the way.
212
00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:46,491
I am happy to do this,
213
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,393
but I need you
to be absolutely sure
214
00:08:48,428 --> 00:08:49,728
you've thought it out.
215
00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:51,630
You don't win this one, Mom.
216
00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:53,465
I'm striking that last rule.
217
00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:55,634
We are gonna start
using the buddy system.
218
00:08:55,669 --> 00:08:58,503
If you leave,
you go with your buddy.
219
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,528
You're okay
with all these rules, Dad?
220
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,941
Sorry, bud, but I agree
with Mom on this stuff.
221
00:09:02,942 --> 00:09:04,644
I learned a lot
from the dad's version
222
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:06,144
of the parenting classes.
223
00:09:08,735 --> 00:09:12,885
[announcer] He took a run
at Stefan over there.
224
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,886
And now it's all breaking loose.
225
00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:17,822
I also do dishes on holidays.
226
00:09:18,699 --> 00:09:23,095
Okay, Stewie,
Mom says no more screen time,
227
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:24,796
so I'm gonna read you a book.
228
00:09:24,831 --> 00:09:26,197
This one is called
229
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:28,300
There's a Monster
at the End of this Boo-
230
00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:29,768
-Aah!
-Aah!
231
00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:33,371
Peter? Stewie?
232
00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:35,340
W-Where'd you guys go?
233
00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:38,410
Lois, you need to very carefully
234
00:09:38,445 --> 00:09:41,079
remove that book from this room.
235
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,415
Why bring it into the house?
236
00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:43,782
Why take that chance?
237
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:45,884
Peter, enough.
Read to Stewie.
238
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:47,719
I'm an introvert.
I got to recharge.
239
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:49,354
You know the rules.
One of us
240
00:09:49,389 --> 00:09:51,289
has to be with him at all times.
241
00:09:51,325 --> 00:09:53,195
Ugh. I can't live
with all these rules.
242
00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:56,227
Why does Meg get to live
her best life in Denver?
243
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:58,663
? ?
244
00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:03,234
Um, Congresswoman Boebert?
245
00:10:03,235 --> 00:10:04,904
Could you please
stop touching me there?
246
00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:05,955
I'm a woman.
247
00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:07,872
My pants are just bunched up.
248
00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:13,078
If I'm going to live
under Lois's rule,
249
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,923
I got to take
a little mental escape.
250
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:18,149
Brian's got to have some
loose gummies in here somewhere.
251
00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:22,854
Oh, Bri, you beautiful scumbag.
252
00:10:24,591 --> 00:10:25,757
Ooh, sativa.
253
00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:27,892
That means nothing to me
or anyone.
254
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:35,900
Whoa.
255
00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:40,805
Peter? Where are you?
256
00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:42,591
Relax,
I just went to the bathroom.
257
00:10:42,609 --> 00:10:45,777
Relax? Stewie is unattended
in front of the TV.
258
00:10:45,778 --> 00:10:47,980
He could easily turn it
to something terrible,
259
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,848
like Paramount Plus.
260
00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:51,683
Lois, you got to relax.
261
00:10:51,718 --> 00:10:54,352
What would Dr. Cosby
do in this situation?
262
00:10:54,388 --> 00:10:56,521
You put the plop and the drink
263
00:10:56,556 --> 00:10:58,323
go fizz-fizz
264
00:10:58,358 --> 00:11:00,959
and make her go
"sleepidy floppity floo."
265
00:11:01,413 --> 00:11:03,496
Of course.
266
00:11:03,497 --> 00:11:05,430
Thank you, Dr. Cosby.
267
00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:11,736
May I go to the bathroom,
Warden?
268
00:11:11,737 --> 00:11:12,805
You just went.
269
00:11:12,806 --> 00:11:15,106
I do different stuff every time.
270
00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:20,578
Mmm. This chewy zin
is excellent.
271
00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:28,620
It's close to hitting
that corner.
272
00:11:28,655 --> 00:11:30,889
Yeah, it's gonna hit it
on the next one.
273
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:35,493
You can talk?
274
00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:37,695
You can understand me?
275
00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:40,198
Oh, I've been waiting
a long time to say this.
276
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:41,499
Here goes.
277
00:11:41,535 --> 00:11:43,835
Please stop buying
the cheap baby wipes.
278
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,036
They tear me up.
279
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:47,005
Oh, great, your first words
280
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,973
to me are a grocery critique.
281
00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:50,208
Hey, guess what?
282
00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:52,744
I think "Baby Shark"
is a terrible song.
283
00:11:52,779 --> 00:11:54,479
And Dora sucks.
284
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,082
All right, all right,
we've-we've clearly
285
00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:57,516
gotten off
on the wrong foot here.
286
00:11:57,517 --> 00:11:59,387
Let's start over.
Hi, Stewie Griffin.
287
00:12:04,074 --> 00:12:05,573
I just...
288
00:12:05,609 --> 00:12:07,542
I can't believe you can talk.
289
00:12:07,577 --> 00:12:09,711
Not only can I talk...
290
00:12:09,746 --> 00:12:12,113
? I am the very model
of a modern major general ?
291
00:12:12,114 --> 00:12:14,049
? I've information vegetable,
animal and mineral ?
292
00:12:14,050 --> 00:12:15,517
? I know the kings of England ?
293
00:12:15,518 --> 00:12:16,552
? And I quote the fights
historical ?
294
00:12:16,553 --> 00:12:17,887
? From Marathon to Waterloo ?
295
00:12:17,888 --> 00:12:19,988
-? In order categorical. ?
-[chuckles]
296
00:12:20,023 --> 00:12:21,890
I love this.
297
00:12:21,925 --> 00:12:23,858
Uh, did Peter do this once?
298
00:12:23,859 --> 00:12:26,162
Eh, he-he mumbled his way
through it, but yeah.
299
00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:28,630
I don't understand
how we're talking.
300
00:12:28,665 --> 00:12:30,595
Probably because
we're both zonked?
301
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:33,668
[scoffs] I would never do that
in front of my baby.
302
00:12:33,669 --> 00:12:36,539
Okay, then tell me something
about the Dave Matthews Band.
303
00:12:36,540 --> 00:12:40,074
Carter Beauford is the best
drummer of his generatio-
304
00:12:40,110 --> 00:12:42,110
Oh, my God, I am zonked.
305
00:12:42,145 --> 00:12:45,880
So, I, uh, found some gummies
in Bri's car and dosed us both.
306
00:12:45,916 --> 00:12:47,115
Are you mad?
307
00:12:47,150 --> 00:12:50,852
Well, I should be,
but this is kind of awesome.
308
00:12:50,887 --> 00:12:52,887
I'm talking to my baby.
309
00:12:52,888 --> 00:12:55,291
Honestly, if I were you,
I'd do this all the time.
310
00:12:55,292 --> 00:12:56,958
You put up with a lot.
311
00:12:56,993 --> 00:12:58,893
Really? You think so?
312
00:12:58,929 --> 00:13:00,228
I mean, yes, look at Peter.
313
00:13:00,229 --> 00:13:02,465
He treats you like garbage
and does zero to help out.
314
00:13:02,466 --> 00:13:04,032
Why do you let him do that?
315
00:13:04,067 --> 00:13:06,267
Oh, you are getting
right in there.
316
00:13:06,303 --> 00:13:07,969
It's tough, you know?
317
00:13:07,970 --> 00:13:10,139
You commit to somebody for life
when you're, like,
318
00:13:10,140 --> 00:13:12,607
19 and you know nothing.
319
00:13:12,642 --> 00:13:14,275
Damn. Yeah.
320
00:13:14,311 --> 00:13:17,111
And it may be hard to believe,
but when he was 19,
321
00:13:17,147 --> 00:13:19,380
Peter was stunning.
322
00:13:19,416 --> 00:13:21,382
I mean, weirdly, I can see it.
323
00:13:21,418 --> 00:13:23,918
Besides, he-he's gonna be dead
324
00:13:23,954 --> 00:13:25,887
in a couple of years anyway,
by then,
325
00:13:25,922 --> 00:13:27,956
my trust fund will vest,
326
00:13:27,957 --> 00:13:30,593
and I'm gonna be playing
in a whole different league.
327
00:13:30,594 --> 00:13:32,628
Oh, that's good, okay good,
you got a plan.
328
00:13:32,629 --> 00:13:34,309
That's-that's cool, that's cool.
329
00:13:34,331 --> 00:13:36,264
? ?
330
00:13:36,265 --> 00:13:39,168
Hey, what's the story
with Chris?
331
00:13:39,169 --> 00:13:40,768
It just doesn't seem like he's-
332
00:13:40,804 --> 00:13:41,903
how do I say this-
333
00:13:41,938 --> 00:13:43,171
thriving, you know?
334
00:13:43,206 --> 00:13:45,073
I fell down an escalator
335
00:13:45,108 --> 00:13:47,108
when I was pregnant with him.
336
00:13:47,143 --> 00:13:49,477
He totally has
an escalator-head vibe.
337
00:13:49,513 --> 00:13:51,079
Yeah. [laughs]
338
00:13:51,114 --> 00:13:54,315
We tried to sue the mall,
but then the mall just closed.
339
00:13:55,452 --> 00:13:57,118
Remember malls?
340
00:13:58,188 --> 00:14:00,655
You know Brian loves you, right?
341
00:14:00,690 --> 00:14:02,357
Yeah, I know.
342
00:14:02,392 --> 00:14:04,526
No, like, he really loves you.
343
00:14:04,561 --> 00:14:06,361
I know, I know.
344
00:14:06,396 --> 00:14:08,696
I don't quite know
how to handle it,
345
00:14:08,732 --> 00:14:11,266
but, oh, he's such a good boy.
346
00:14:11,301 --> 00:14:13,401
And he'll be dead
in a couple of years.
347
00:14:13,436 --> 00:14:14,936
[both laughing]
348
00:14:14,971 --> 00:14:17,572
Oh, you-you are
one twisted lady.
349
00:14:17,573 --> 00:14:19,341
You should try out
for the Capitol Steps.
350
00:14:19,342 --> 00:14:20,508
What's that?
351
00:14:20,509 --> 00:14:22,278
I don't know,
it's weird at the Swansons.
352
00:14:22,279 --> 00:14:23,645
Oh, my God.
353
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:25,813
What if we did
an adventure together?
354
00:14:25,814 --> 00:14:28,117
Oh, yes, I know the perfect
thing for this vibe.
355
00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:31,519
Watch The Big Lebowski
at a small theater by a college.
356
00:14:31,555 --> 00:14:33,154
Okay. [laughs]
357
00:14:33,155 --> 00:14:34,390
Do you think I'll like it?
358
00:14:34,391 --> 00:14:35,457
You'll think it's fine.
359
00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:36,891
All women think it's fine.
360
00:14:40,997 --> 00:14:43,698
Huh, wouldn't you think
John Goodman
361
00:14:43,733 --> 00:14:45,199
would be the Big Lebowski?
362
00:14:45,235 --> 00:14:47,268
Whoa, yeah. Oh, that's good.
363
00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:49,370
I have a million
of these thoughts a day.
364
00:14:49,371 --> 00:14:51,740
Who am I supposed to
tell 'em to- freakin' Bonnie?
365
00:14:51,741 --> 00:14:53,174
Can I-can I say something?
366
00:14:53,209 --> 00:14:55,777
Bonnie's not pretty enough
to be as mean as she is.
367
00:14:55,812 --> 00:14:57,378
Yes! That.
368
00:14:57,414 --> 00:14:58,580
That.
369
00:14:58,615 --> 00:15:00,848
I'm really enjoying
being on drugs with you.
370
00:15:00,849 --> 00:15:02,952
I don't know why people
say drugs are bad-
371
00:15:02,953 --> 00:15:06,087
Oof. Oh, bad time for Philip
Seymour Hoffman to show up.
372
00:15:06,088 --> 00:15:08,824
I can't stop thinking about
the girl who sold us the tickets
373
00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:11,059
and then had to run
and make the popcorn.
374
00:15:11,094 --> 00:15:13,394
Yeah, and I saw a broom
by the popcorn maker,
375
00:15:13,430 --> 00:15:15,964
so you know she's putting on
one more hat.
376
00:15:17,968 --> 00:15:19,100
I'm still hungry.
377
00:15:19,135 --> 00:15:20,268
I'm starving.
378
00:15:20,269 --> 00:15:21,604
We got to go to IHOP, right?
379
00:15:21,605 --> 00:15:22,870
Have to.
380
00:15:22,906 --> 00:15:25,506
Thank you so much.
381
00:15:25,542 --> 00:15:28,543
We had such a nice time.
382
00:15:29,899 --> 00:15:33,282
You know our waitress
was the girl
383
00:15:33,283 --> 00:15:34,483
from the movie theater, right?
384
00:15:34,484 --> 00:15:35,850
Yeah, I couldn't look up.
385
00:15:35,851 --> 00:15:37,786
Nobody's rooting for her
harder than me,
386
00:15:37,787 --> 00:15:39,955
but you just know she's
not getting our order right.
387
00:15:39,956 --> 00:15:41,856
Yeah, just write it down. God.
388
00:15:41,891 --> 00:15:43,358
Okay, real talk.
389
00:15:43,393 --> 00:15:45,259
Sometimes...
390
00:15:45,295 --> 00:15:47,462
I get the feeling
that I might love you
391
00:15:47,497 --> 00:15:49,998
more than you love me,
which is fine.
392
00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:51,466
You're not wrong.
393
00:15:51,467 --> 00:15:53,302
Honestly, I can't believe
I'm saying this,
394
00:15:53,303 --> 00:15:54,936
but there was a time
395
00:15:54,971 --> 00:15:57,005
when I actually wanted
to kill you.
396
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,806
What? Wh-
397
00:15:58,842 --> 00:16:00,675
Why would you want to do that?
398
00:16:00,710 --> 00:16:02,610
Maybe because
you're such a doormat.
399
00:16:02,611 --> 00:16:04,446
You let everyone
walk all over you-
400
00:16:04,447 --> 00:16:06,180
your husband, your kids, Bonnie.
401
00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:09,450
I don't understand why that
would make you want to kill me.
402
00:16:09,451 --> 00:16:11,520
Uh, I thought it was
because I hated you,
403
00:16:11,521 --> 00:16:13,254
but maybe I just
404
00:16:13,289 --> 00:16:15,323
wanted to put you
out of your misery.
405
00:16:15,358 --> 00:16:19,160
I think I wanted to kill you
because I came from you.
406
00:16:19,195 --> 00:16:21,262
Whatever is in you
407
00:16:21,297 --> 00:16:23,064
must also be in me.
408
00:16:23,099 --> 00:16:25,333
I wanted to kill
the part of myself
409
00:16:25,368 --> 00:16:27,301
that scares me the most.
410
00:16:27,337 --> 00:16:29,437
Whoa...
411
00:16:29,472 --> 00:16:30,972
[chuckles]
412
00:16:31,007 --> 00:16:32,206
You're mad at me.
413
00:16:42,052 --> 00:16:44,952
IHOP must be a rabbit's
favorite restaurant, right?
414
00:16:44,988 --> 00:16:46,254
You're...
415
00:16:46,289 --> 00:16:48,523
you're gonna get us
kicked out of here.
416
00:16:48,558 --> 00:16:50,158
Thanks for sharing.
417
00:16:50,193 --> 00:16:53,227
That was hard to hear,
but it's okay.
418
00:16:53,263 --> 00:16:55,496
I'm your mom and my job
419
00:16:55,532 --> 00:16:57,565
is to love you
to the moon and back
420
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,000
no matter what.
421
00:16:59,035 --> 00:17:00,668
Do you feel that?
422
00:17:00,704 --> 00:17:02,403
Yeah.
423
00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:03,738
I do.
424
00:17:03,773 --> 00:17:05,640
Good.
Then I'm doing my job
425
00:17:05,675 --> 00:17:07,975
and all you got to do
is just be a kid.
426
00:17:09,412 --> 00:17:11,245
We ordered omelets.
427
00:17:11,246 --> 00:17:13,248
No, no, this is-this is good,
though, this is good.
428
00:17:13,249 --> 00:17:14,682
Better than what we ded.
429
00:17:14,718 --> 00:17:16,150
Yay.
430
00:17:19,322 --> 00:17:22,256
? Step on a crack,
break your mama's back. ?
431
00:17:22,292 --> 00:17:23,858
Naw, naw, I'm just joking.
432
00:17:23,893 --> 00:17:24,943
I'm not gonna.
433
00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:26,094
No, you can.
434
00:17:26,129 --> 00:17:27,495
It's just a silly game.
435
00:17:27,530 --> 00:17:29,097
Okay.
436
00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:30,431
-Oh!
-[gasps]
437
00:17:30,432 --> 00:17:31,867
-Oh, God!
-Mama! Mama! I'm sorry!
438
00:17:31,868 --> 00:17:33,267
[laughing]
439
00:17:33,268 --> 00:17:34,336
Gotcha.
440
00:17:34,337 --> 00:17:36,037
Mom! Whoa.
441
00:17:36,072 --> 00:17:37,872
Where has this Lois been?
442
00:17:37,907 --> 00:17:39,941
Yeah, I should
let her come out more.
443
00:17:39,976 --> 00:17:42,677
I didn't used to be
so uptight, you know?
444
00:17:42,712 --> 00:17:44,479
I-I used to be crazy and fun.
445
00:17:44,514 --> 00:17:45,564
Really?
446
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:47,216
I-I shouldn't be
telling you this,
447
00:17:47,217 --> 00:17:49,283
but once, in college-
448
00:17:49,319 --> 00:17:51,385
[laughs] this is nuts, okay-
449
00:17:51,421 --> 00:17:53,387
well, my friends and I,
we stayed up
450
00:17:53,423 --> 00:17:56,157
till 1:00 in the morning
playing "Jimmy Crack Corn"
451
00:17:56,192 --> 00:17:58,593
with spoons
on the bathroom sinks.
452
00:17:58,628 --> 00:18:00,862
-[laughing]
-O-Okay.
453
00:18:00,897 --> 00:18:02,864
Yeah, it was just, like,
454
00:18:02,899 --> 00:18:04,198
really crazy.
455
00:18:05,635 --> 00:18:08,102
Hey, we should get back
at Bonnie for how mean
456
00:18:08,138 --> 00:18:09,270
she always is to you.
457
00:18:09,305 --> 00:18:11,706
Yes. I'll go get spoons.
458
00:18:11,707 --> 00:18:13,242
Do you know "Jimmy Crack Corn"?
459
00:18:13,243 --> 00:18:14,243
I can teach you. [gasps]
460
00:18:14,244 --> 00:18:15,910
We'll sing it so loud.
461
00:18:15,945 --> 00:18:18,012
No, no. Just follow my lead.
462
00:18:20,683 --> 00:18:23,551
Bonnie gives you crap,
we give her crap.
463
00:18:23,586 --> 00:18:25,086
Griffin style.
464
00:18:25,121 --> 00:18:26,521
[grunting]
465
00:18:26,556 --> 00:18:28,356
I'm not gonna be able to go.
466
00:18:28,391 --> 00:18:30,424
Mom, I've known you
since I was a baby.
467
00:18:30,460 --> 00:18:32,360
You try too hard
with everything.
468
00:18:32,395 --> 00:18:33,861
You're wound so tightly.
469
00:18:33,897 --> 00:18:35,096
Just let it go, babe.
470
00:18:35,131 --> 00:18:36,564
-Just let it-
-[laughing]
471
00:18:36,599 --> 00:18:38,566
I did it! I just let it go.
472
00:18:38,601 --> 00:18:40,368
Yes, the movie popcorn and IHOP
473
00:18:40,403 --> 00:18:41,903
probably get an assist.
474
00:18:45,074 --> 00:18:46,574
What a night.
475
00:18:46,575 --> 00:18:49,111
We should go on a trip,
like to Tuscany or something.
476
00:18:49,112 --> 00:18:51,245
Oh, like an Eat, Pray, Love?
477
00:18:51,281 --> 00:18:54,048
Yeah, like a-like a mom
and son "pisghetti" trip.
478
00:18:54,083 --> 00:18:55,650
Want another Oreo?
479
00:18:55,685 --> 00:18:57,819
Ah. [laughs]
480
00:18:57,854 --> 00:19:00,087
Gotcha.
481
00:19:00,123 --> 00:19:03,424
Ah, ah, you remember
your Oreo tantrum earlier?
482
00:19:03,459 --> 00:19:06,761
You know, my tantrums are never
about the thing they're about.
483
00:19:06,796 --> 00:19:08,429
What do you mean?
484
00:19:08,464 --> 00:19:10,398
It's a generalized
lack of control.
485
00:19:10,433 --> 00:19:11,599
I have no autonomy.
486
00:19:11,634 --> 00:19:13,267
I'm on everyone else's schedule.
487
00:19:13,303 --> 00:19:15,436
Stewie, I see you.
488
00:19:15,471 --> 00:19:18,139
I hear you
and I feel the same way.
489
00:19:18,174 --> 00:19:20,308
-All adults do.
-They do?
490
00:19:20,343 --> 00:19:22,276
I mean, I'm not
strapped in a car seat,
491
00:19:22,312 --> 00:19:23,878
but I may as well be.
492
00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:25,413
Every day it's shopping,
493
00:19:25,448 --> 00:19:27,481
chores, cleaning, repeat.
494
00:19:27,517 --> 00:19:29,383
So it's not just me?
495
00:19:29,419 --> 00:19:30,818
Thanks, Mom.
496
00:19:30,854 --> 00:19:32,787
Oh, I love you, sweetie.
497
00:19:37,193 --> 00:19:40,328
So you're not
gonna kill me, right?
498
00:19:40,363 --> 00:19:42,296
Not anytime soon.
499
00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:47,335
[Bonnie]
Aah! Joe!
500
00:19:47,370 --> 00:19:50,805
Why are there
three human poos on our lawn?
501
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:52,406
[Joe]
Two of 'em aren't mine!
502
00:19:52,442 --> 00:19:54,342
[both laughing]
503
00:20:06,055 --> 00:20:07,955
[yawns]
504
00:20:07,991 --> 00:20:09,590
Why am I on the floor?
505
00:20:09,626 --> 00:20:11,025
Why are you here?
506
00:20:11,060 --> 00:20:12,927
Why am I in Stewie's room?
507
00:20:12,962 --> 00:20:14,762
I don't remember anything.
508
00:20:14,797 --> 00:20:17,365
This is like The Hangover
with Justin Bartha.
509
00:20:17,366 --> 00:20:19,001
Yeah, nobody thinks of it
like that.
510
00:20:19,002 --> 00:20:20,301
Oh, there you are.
511
00:20:20,336 --> 00:20:23,070
Ah, I have no memory
of what happened last night.
512
00:20:23,106 --> 00:20:26,774
Yet I have the strangest
feeling that Stewie and I-
513
00:20:26,809 --> 00:20:28,776
we shared something special.
514
00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:30,745
Pancakes, please.
515
00:20:30,780 --> 00:20:33,414
Yes, it's strange, Rupert,
but I feel the same way.
516
00:20:33,449 --> 00:20:35,216
Something changed with us.
517
00:20:35,251 --> 00:20:37,485
I think this is
a whole new beginning.
518
00:20:38,588 --> 00:20:41,188
Ah-ah-ah, too early, little guy.
519
00:20:41,224 --> 00:20:43,157
[crying]
520
00:20:44,327 --> 00:20:46,093
Oh, my God,
what is wrong with you?
521
00:20:46,129 --> 00:20:48,396
It's just Oreos.
522
00:20:48,431 --> 00:20:50,765
[sighs] Well, I guess
we'll always have...
523
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:52,400
whatever last night was.
524
00:20:52,401 --> 00:20:53,936
We're out
of your Tom's of Maine
525
00:20:53,937 --> 00:20:55,436
Rough and Dry Baby Wipes.
526
00:20:55,471 --> 00:20:57,138
I'll order more.
527
00:20:57,173 --> 00:20:58,906
I'm gonna kill her.
528
00:20:58,956 --> 00:21:03,506
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