All language subtitles for 1_Family.Guy.S24E01.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH_English

♪ It seems today
That all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
And sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪

[all]
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪

♪ All the things
That make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

[all]
♪ He's a family guy! ♪

Welcome to Quahog's
first recreational dispensary.

Now, as you all know,
I was against this.

I fought it tooth.

Maybe I should've
also fought it nail.

But that time is gone.

[crowd exclaiming]

Settle down. There's enough
drugs for everybody.

Wow, Quahog has
a lot more white guys

with blond dreadlocks
than I thought.

-Mmm.
-And a fair number of Black ladies

with the blond dreadlocks guys.

Cleveland, what do you think--

We don't like
to talk about it, Peter.

It's a big problem
in our community.

It's just, you should know,
in the white community,

these guys are kind of
considered, like, big time rascals.

We're aware.
It's being handled.

There was just
a big Zoom about it.

-Maybe you could--
-We're gonna go ahead

and deal
with this one in-house.

How ya doin'?

There is a plan.

That's all I need to know.

Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch in
witness protection when I'm at breakfast?

[knocking at door]

Susie and I saw you
unloading groceries

and wanted to let you know

if you need
to borrow reusable bags, I have a bunch.

And, you know,
you can't soak cast iron skillets, right?

It strips the seasoning.

Oh, Mrs. S
is throwing haymakers.

-It's not soaking. I'm cooking water.
-[slams]

Oreos! Here we go, baby!

[whines] I want Oreos!

[whining]

Hey, they're just Oreos. Relax.

Besides, they're not for babies.

They're for rewarding good behavior

in developmentally slow adults.

[cell phone chimes]

-[keyboard clacking]
-[beeps]

So then I was like,

"What if I've also
been the mailman the whole time?"

Yeah, you were saying
that in the car.

I know, but you didn't respond.

Let's, uh... Let's lock these guys up
in the cabinet for a while, huh?

Yeah, I think that would be best.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[clicking]

[creaks]

Bingo.

Oh, baby. Bonus candy.

Mmm. Not really feeling
the sugar rush.

[♪ dreamy music playing]

I can feel my heartbeat
in my eyes.

Good idea, Rupert.
Music will help me relax.

[♪ "The Wheels On The Bus" playing]

Okay, this is good.
This is helping.

[singer laughs]

♪ The wheels bus on the bus
go 'round and 'round ♪

Why should I be afraid of dying?

Wait, what?

♪ With a lunatic
on the grassy ground ♪

[laughs maniacally]

♪ If you hear the lunatics howl ♪

[howls]

♪ The wheels on the bus
may start to growl ♪

♪ The lunatic is in my head ♪

♪ And very soon we'll all be... ♪

Dead.

I wonder if this is why
Ben and Jerry started making ice cream.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, grab your lunches.
I know a spot.

I think I may take a gap year.

You know, hit the road.

There's something I've been searching for
for a while that I need to find.

A little guy named Stewie Griffin.

Can... can you hear any of this?

I'm not even trying
to listen anymore.

I'm thinking about soccer.

Guys, what are you
doing up here?

Big no-no.
The roof is off limits.

Stewie, are you... high?

Yeah. So are you.
We're on the roof.

[laughs] Okay, I heard that.

That was funny.

[announcer on TV] We now return to
a Dateline with a beloved town dentist.

-He did it. It was him.
-[knocking at door]

Peter, we got a big problem.

It appears Stewie
was high on pot at school.

Excuse me for one second.

Lois! Someone's at the door for you.

Joe, why do you have Stewie?

I'm sorry to tell you this, Lois,

but apparently,
Stewie was high at school.

-What?
-It's the worst thing

I've seen in my career.

And I've seen four dead bodies.

Though technically, that was
a zip-lining accident in Costa Rica.

-O... okay.
-Maybe not the best idea

having 13-year-olds
securing those carabiners.

-Joe, I--
-They wouldn't let me

bring my own camera
on the zip-line.

Odd, right?

Well, turns out they just want
to sell you their photos.

I'll take it from here, Joe.
Thanks for bringing him home.

This is a serious offense, Lois.

I have a court order
to remove him from your custody.

What? No. Please!

I'm sorry, Lois.

[crying] No!

My baby! Please!

I gotta keep Stewie entertained,
so I'm gonna need your iPad.

What?

[crying] No! My baby! Please!

Hey, what's gonna happen
with Stewie?

Well, he's at the Swansons
until I complete

court-ordered online parenting classes.

Throwing this out there.

If you want a new baby
in six months, let me know.

You gotta tell me
within five months.

Eh, five-and-a-half max.

So, Stewie, I know your dad
is a pretty funny guy,

but I'm kind of
the "your dad" around here.

Yeah, Pops doesn't really talk
about being funny. He just is.

Yeah, Stewie,
comedy's pretty big in this house, too.

In fact, I recently submitted
a packet to get into the Capitol Steps.

Nobody knows what that is, Joe.

They're pretty well known in the
political satire, off-center comedy world.

Anybody here know if Tip O'Neill is
a generous tipper? [laughs]

I make a bit of hay
about that in the packet.

Tip O'Neill's been dead since 1994.

[cell phone chimes]

Voicemail from the Capitol Steps!

[Clarkey] Hey, Joe, this is Clarkey.

So sorry, but we're gonna pass.

We're looking for someone more off-center,
more skewed, if that makes sense?

That's what I am!

There's plenty of other comedy groups.

Oh, really?

[screams] Like
the Capitol "freaking" Steps? [panting]

-What about--
-If you say the words

"Ocean State Follies,"

I swear to God,
I'll empty my bag all over the floor.

Meg, please, I really need the laptop.

I'm just about done
with my parenting classes,

and then I can get Stewie back.

One sec. I gotta finish
this mandatory

sexual harassment course today,

or I'm not allowed
around the janitors.

[automated voice] True or false.
It's okay to slap a man's bottom

if he knows you.

That's got to be true.

-[automated voice] False.
-I'm done.

Thanks, Meg.

This has been so hard for me.

A mama just can't be
separated from her kiddos.

Well, I'm off to Denver
with the guy from the magic shop.

Okay. See you at dinner.

Only if you're
in the greater Denver area there, Hoss.

I'm just gonna give you
the "title" of the sketch.

It's called
"The Dan Quayle Spelling Bee."

The jokes write themselves.

-Do one.
-[doorbell rings]

Here it is. I'm done
with my parenting class.

Where's my baby?

I'm happy for you, Lois,
but don't let this happen again.

We ran out of diapers,
so he's wearing a Walgreens bag.

Oh, Stewie. I am so happy
to have you back.

Momma's never gonna
let anything like this happen again, okay?

This place is a nightmare.

They don't even have a xylophone
on a string that you can drag behind you.

[squeaking]

Well, if nobody's next,
I guess I'll just go again.

[squeaking]

[chimes]

Now that Stewie is back, we're gonna have
some new rules to keep us safe.

First, it is no longer sufficient for
our pet to look after our baby.

Probably... probably the right call.

Second, kids' bedroom doors
are not allowed to be closed all the way.

I am happy to do this,

but I need you to be absolutely sure
you've thought it out.

You don't win this one, Mom.

I'm striking that last rule.

We are gonna start
using the buddy system.

If you leave, you go with your buddy.

You're okay with all these rules, Dad?

Sorry, bud, but I agree
with Mom on this stuff.

I learned a lot from the dad's version of
the parenting classes.

[commentator] He took a run
at Stefan there,

and now it's all breaking loose.

I also do dishes on holidays.

Okay, Stewie, Mom says no more
screen time, so I'm gonna read you a book.

This one is called "There's a Monster
at the End of this Book."

[both scream]

Peter? Stewie?
Wh... where'd you guys go?

Lois, you need to, very carefully,

remove that book from this room.

Why bring it into the house?

Why take that chance?

Peter, enough. Read to Stewie.

I'm an introvert.
I gotta recharge.

You know the rules.

One of us has to be
with him at all times.

Ugh, I can't live with all these rules.

Why does Meg get to live
her best life in Denver?

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Um, Congresswoman Boebert,
could you please stop touching me there?

I'm a woman.
My pants are just bunched up.

If I'm going to live under Lois's rule,

I've got to take a little mental escape.

Brian's gotta have some loose
gummies in here somewhere.

Oh, Bri, you beautiful scumbag.

Ooh, sativa.

That means nothing to me or anyone.

Whoa.

Peter? Where are you?

Relax. I just went to the bathroom.

Relax? Stewie is unattended
in front of the TV.

He could easily turn
into something terrible,

like Paramount+.

Lois, you got to relax.

What would Dr. Cosby
do in this situation?

You put the plop in the drink
go fizz-fizz

and make her
go sleepidy floppity floo.

Of course. Thank you, Dr. Cosby.

[pops and fizzes]

May I go to the bathroom, Warden?

You just went.

I do different stuff every time!

Mmm.

This chewy Zin is excellent.

It's close to hitting that corner.

Yeah, it's gonna hit it
on the next one.

[♪ intriguing music plays]

You can talk?

You can understand me?

Oh, I've been waiting
a long time to say this.

Here goes.

Please stop buying
the cheap baby wipes. They tear me up.

Oh, great. Your first words
to me are a grocery critique.

Hey, guess what?

I think Baby Shark
is a terrible song.

And Dora sucks.

[chuckles] All right.

We've clearly gotten off
on the wrong foot here.

Let's start over.

Hi, Stewie Griffin.

I just... I can't believe you can talk.

Not only can I talk...

♪ I am the very model
of a modern major general ♪

♪ I've information vegetable,
animal, and mineral ♪

♪ I know the kings of England
and I quote the fight historical ♪

♪ From Marathon to Waterloo
In order categorical ♪

[chuckling]

I love this.

Did Peter do this once?

Eh, he... he mumbled
his way through it, but yeah.

I don't understand how we're talking.

Probably because we're both zonked?

[blows raspberry] I would
never do that in front of my baby.

Okay, then tell me something
about the Dave Matthews Band.

Carter Beauford is the best
drummer of his genera--

Oh, my God, I am zonked.

So, I, uh, found some
gummies in Bri's car and dosed us both.

-Are you mad?
-Well, I should be,

but this is kind of awesome.

I'm talking to my baby.

Honestly, if I were you,
I'd do this all the time.

You put up with a lot.

[sighs] Really? You think so?

I mean, yes. Look at Peter.

He treats you like garbage
and does zero to help out.

Why do you let him do that?

Oh, you are getting right in there.

It's tough, you know.

You commit to somebody for life

when you're, like, 19,
and you know nothing.

Damn. Yeah.

And it may be hard to believe,
but when he was 19,

Peter was stunning.

I mean, weirdly, I can see it.

Besides, he... he's gonna be dead in
a couple of years, anyway.

By then, my trust fund will vest,

and I'm gonna be playin'
in a whole different league.

Oh, that's good.
Okay, good, you got a plan.

That's... that's cool.
That's cool.

[♪ soft jazz music playing]

Hey, what's the story with Chris?

It just doesn't seem like he's...

How do I say this?

...thriving, you know?

I fell down an escalator
when I was pregnant with him.

He totally has an escalator head vibe.

[chuckles] Yeah.

We tried to sue the mall,
but then the mall just closed.

Remember malls?

You know Brian loves you, right?

Yeah, I know.

No, like, he really loves you.

I know, I know.

I don't quite know how to handle it,

but, aw, he's such a good boy.

And he'll be dead
in a couple of years so...

[both laughing]

[chuckles] You... you are
one twisted lady.

You should try out
for the Capitol Steps.

-What's that?
-I don't know. It's weird at the Swansons.

Oh, my God. What if we did
an adventure together?

Oh, yes. I know
the perfect thing for this vibe.

Watch The Big Lebowski
at a small theater by a college.

Okay. [giggles]

-Do you think I'll like it?
-You'll think it's fine.

All women think it's fine.

Huh. Wouldn't you think
John Goodman would be the Big Lebowski?

Whoa, yeah. Oh, that's good.

I have a million
of these thoughts a day.

Who am I supposed
to tell 'em to? Freakin' Bonnie?

Can I... Can I say something?

Bonnie's not pretty enough
to be as mean as she is.

Yes! That. That.

I'm really enjoying
being on drugs with you.

I don't know why
people say drugs are bad.

Oof. Oh, bad time
for Philip Seymour Hoffman to show up.

I can't stop thinking
about the girl who sold us the tickets

and then had to run
and make the popcorn.

Yeah. And I saw a broom
by the popcorn maker,

so you know she's
putting on one more hat.

-I'm still hungry.
-I'm starving.

We gotta go to IHOP, right?

Have to.

Thank you so much.

We had such a nice time.

You know our waitress was the girl from
the movie theater, right?

Yeah, I couldn't look up.

Nobody's rooting for her
harder than me,

but you just know she's not
getting our order right.

Yeah, just write it down. God.

Okay, real talk.

Sometimes...

I get the feeling that I might love you
more than you love me,

which is fine.

You're not wrong.
Honestly, I can't believe I'm saying this,

but there was a time
when I actually wanted to kill you.

What? [chuckles nervously]

Why would you wanna do that?

Maybe because you're such a doormat.

You let everyone walk all over you,

your husband, your kids, Bonnie.

I... I don't understand
why that would make you wanna kill me?

I thought it was because I hated you,

but maybe I just wanted
to put you out of your misery.

I think I wanted to kill you
because I came from you.

Whatever is in you must also be in me.

I wanted to kill the part of myself

that scares me the most.

Whoa.

You're mad at me.

IHOP must be a rabbit's
favorite restaurant, right?

[spits and chuckles] Yeah.

You're gonna get us kicked out of here.

Thanks for sharing.

That was hard to hear, but it's okay.

I'm your mom,
and my job is to love you

to the moon and back,
no matter what.

Do you feel that?

Yeah, I do.

Good. Then I'm doing my job.

And all you gotta do is just be a kid.

We ordered omelets.

Oh, no, no.
This is good, though. This is good.

Better than what we ordered. Yay.

♪ Step on a crack,
break your mama's back ♪

[chuckles] No, no,
I'm just joking. I'm not gonna.

No, you can.
It's just a silly game.

Okay.

-[stomps]
-Ahhh!

-[gasps] Mama! Mama, I'm sorry!
-Oh, God!

[laughs]

-Gotcha.
-Mom. Whoa.

Where has this Lois been?

Yeah, I should let her come out more.

I didn't used to be
so uptight, you know.

-I... I used to be crazy and fun.
-Really?

I... I shouldn't be
telling you this, but once in college...

[snickers] This is nuts. Okay.

Well, my friends and I,
we stayed up till 1:00 in the morning,

playing Jimmy Crack Corn
with spoons on the bathroom sink.

-[laughing]
-O... Okay?

Yeah. It was just, like, really crazy.

Hey, we should get back at Bonnie

for how mean she always is to you.

Yes! [gasps]

I'll go get spoons.

Do you know Jimmy Crack Corn?
I can teach you.

[gasps] We'll sing it so loud.

No, no. Just follow my lead.

[man on TV] I wanted
to get that out of the way.

Bonnie gives you crap,
we give her crap.

-Griffin style.
-Uh...

[sighs] I'm not gonna be able to go.

Mom, I've known you
since I was a baby.

You try too hard with everything.

You're wound so tightly.

Just let it go, babe.
Just let it--

[cackles] I did it!

I just let it go.

Yes, the movie popcorn and IHOP

probably get an assist.

What a night.

We should go on a trip,
like to Tuscany or something.

Oh. Like an Eat Pray Love.

Yeah, like a...
like a mom and son pisghetti trip.

Want another Oreo?

Ah! [laughs]

Gotcha! [laughs]

Oh. You remember
your Oreo tantrum earlier?

You know, my tantrums are never about
the thing they're about.

Oh. What do you mean?

It's a generalized lack of control.

I have no autonomy.
I'm on everyone else's schedule.

Stewie, I see you. I hear you.

And I feel the same way.

-All adults do.
-They do?

I mean, I'm not strapped
in a car seat, but I may as well be.

-[♪ somber music playing]
-Every day it's shopping,

chores, cleaning, repeat.

So, it's not just me?

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, I love you, sweetie.

So, you're not gonna kill me, right?

Not anytime soon.

[Bonnie screams]

Joe! Why are there
three human poos on our lawn?

[Joe] Two of them aren't mine.

[both giggling]

[both sigh wearily]

[yawning]

Why am I on the floor?

-Why are you here?
-Why am I in Stewie's room?

I don't remember anything.

This is like The Hangover
with Justin Bartha.

Yeah, nobody thinks of it like that.

Oh, there you are.

I have no memory
of what happened last night.

Yet, I have the strangest feeling

that Stewie and I,
we shared something special.

Pancakes, please.

Yes, it's strange, Rupert,
but I feel the same way.

Something changed with us.

I think this
is a whole new beginning.

Uh-uh-uh. Too early, little guy.

[wailing]

Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you?

It's just Oreos.

[sighs] Well, I guess
we'll always have whatever last night was.

We're out of your
Tom's of Maine Rough and Dry Baby Wipes.

I'll order more.

I'm gonna kill her.

[♪ closing theme music playing]