All language subtitles for The Delivery Man s01e04 Celebrity.engk

Whoa-oa

Whoa-oa

Morning, miss. Morning, miss.

Morning, miss.

- Really?
- Sense of humour failure.

Maybe he prefers "Ms".

To be fair, I have ignored
the same remark

five days in a row now.

Can't take a joke since
the Force got rid of him.

- Left by choice. Unlike some.
- Left by choice, got suspended,

- much the same really.
- No, it's not, lan.

Plenty of smooth,
couldn't handle the rough.

We can all handle
a bit of rough.

Girl after my own heart.

- Nothing to do with roughness.
- Touched a nerve.

No nerves, you're just saying
the same thing every day.

- Easy.
- I'm easy! I'm easy.

- All right?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Calm down, mate.

I don't want to have to restrain
you for your own safety.

- You restrain me?
- Oh, yeah.

- Really?
- Yes.

- OK. Let's have it.
- Oh, all right.

- Like this.
- Fight, fight, fight!

- Fight. Kiss!
- What?

Just thought I'd try it,
see how we go.

What I meant to say was,

"Leave him. Come on.
He's not worth it."

Oh, and you,
no ex-boyfriends, right?

None at all.

None.

No, my ex-boyfriend, Ryan.
Don't let him in.

Ah. Understood.

No ex-boyfriends!

(Laughs weakly)

Hello. Can I see a um...
see a baby doctor?

A baby can't be a doctor!

I can get you an old doctor
with no hair

- who looks a bit like a baby.
- OK.

I've been getting these cramps.
And I'm not sure it's right.

- Are you registered?
- No, no, I'm not from here.

I'm just passing.

I'm not due
for like five months.

She should be in antenatal.

They said they couldn't see me.

Were you
hiding behind something?

OK, Pat. Thank you very much.

Here. Fill that in.

You won't believe this.

My ex-husband has written
a book on feminism?

No, her!

She's from the telly.
It's her off of SHAG.

- SHAG?
- Sussex Hunks And Girlfriends.

How can you tell?
She's come dressed as a spy.

It's Comfort Evans!

Let's just try and stay
professional, shall we?

Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry, you'll need to
sign this as well.

This is your third time with us,
I hear.

Don't forget to stamp
your loyalty card.

- Morning.
- It is, yes.

And?

- And... did you sleep well?
- Meaning?

It was just a polite enquiry.

My wife and I have
a perfectly normal relationship.

Good. I was just
making small-talk.

- Small?
- Hm?

- I know what you're getting at.
- Do you? That makes one of us.

- Are you married?
- Me? No.

- Then you're not in a position.
- To do what?

- Pontificate.
- Right.

Well, I was just
trying to be nice.

- Just shooting the breeze.
- Shooting! There it is.

So much aggression.

Wow.

Right, please.
Hello, look at me. Me.

OK. So today we have
a minor celebrity in our midst.

She has specifically asked us
to keep it quiet

but somebody may have
let it slip...

on Facebook.

- What?
- Consequently,

there are several paparazzi
trying to sneak into this unit

by disguising themselves, hiding
in dustbins and laundry ba...

Baskets!

And apparently, staff meetings!

Just get down to work.

Keep your eyes open and
your ears and everything else.

Thought you would have
spotted that one.

Old Constable Quick here.

Eh? Old PC... World.

Gosh.

OK, look, my point is...

that just because this Comfort
Evans is a minor celebrity...

Actually, she's C list because
she married Jamie Gordon.

A footballer husband
puts her on the cusp.

The cusp is like in the middle.

It's like where would you go now
after Ryan cos he was a butcher?

He is a butcher. He's not dead.

Yeah, go on.
Where are you going with this?

It's like, realistically,
to go up,

you'd need... a manager
of a phone shop.

Look, just because this girl has
had a tiny, teeny bit of fame,

it doesn't mean
we're going to treat her

any differently
to a normal patient.

- And Tash, phone, please.
- What about my human rights?

I had to take those away because
you weren't using them properly.

Right. Meeting over.

I'm sorry, mate.

- Truly sorry.
- That's all right, eh?

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, we all say things we
don't mean. Sorry I had a go.

You were entitled. I were bang
out of order this morning.

- Mm. Not just this morning, eh?
- Come again?

You have said the same thing
five days in a row.

I'm only apologising
for this morning.

- Not the other days.
- You said the same thing.

I didn't say the other things
like this morning.

Because I let it go until today.

- It was a joke!
- A barbed comment.

And we've just had an undercover
hack infiltrate a staff meeting.

Do we actually
have any security?

OK. I apologise
for the past week.

10 little soldiers.

BOTH: 10 little soldiers
kicking down the door.

I'm sorry about
the security comment there.

- No need for that, eh?
- Not a problem. Not a problem.

All right.

'Ey, did you see
the photographers outside?

At first I thought
they were bird-watchers,

then a seagull flew past.

Not one of 'em looked up.

I were like, "Hang on."

I'd be surprised if Jamie Gordon
actually turns up.

Like, if it's true.

This stuff about having
an affair with an older woman?

Really? I don't read
those sort of magazines.

Sometimes they take his piccy

and he's only had a chance
to put his pants on.

I'm sure he's very busy. (Gasps)

They're very snug, aren't they?

She said he's caught in traffic.

I'd like to catch him
in my traffic.

- That doesn't even make sense.
- I know what I mean.

- Still, I would.
- I would.

- I would.
- I've had worse.

- What do you think, Matthew?
- Jamie Gordon.

What's your opinion?
As a sort of man.

OK, yes, he's an athlete, isn't
he? So he's obviously very fit.

You've got to
look at the picture.

Do I really? I think I know
what he looks like. I've...

Very good. Yes. Nice.

- Nice body?
- Mm.

- Nice underpants?
- Nice nipples?

I do wonder, though,
if this sort of thing

doesn't just depict men
as objects in some way.

No? OK, no, you're right.

Phwoar!

- Hello, Comfort. Are you OK?
- Ssh!

- I'm not here.
- Yeah, you are.

You're probably just feeling
a little bit spaced out.

Can I look after her?
Please. Please.

No. You've got Mrs Renwick.
Matthew's got her.

That's not fair.

I saw her first.

(Sighs)

OK, Tash. I think
you're in danger of

coming across
as a little bit shallow.

Caitlin!
The husband's nearly here.

(Gasps) OK.

Tell him to come straight to me.

Especially if
he's had to run here.

- Maybe he's a bit sweaty.
- I can hear you, you know.

No, you can't. There, there.

Stick her in Room 5.

Can you make Mrs Renwick
hurry up and give birth?

- No! Why?
- Cos I should be with our VIP.

- You know who that is?
- It's hard to tell.

She's in disguise. Dodging paps.

Is it the German Chancellor
Angela Merkel?

No. It's Comfort Evans!

SHAG star!

Actress.

- Oh, silly me.
- Yeah. Duh!

- No. That is quite offensive.
- Who to?

Well, to people who actually go,
"Duhhhhh."

- Really?
- Yes! Really.

I'll let you off this time if
you tell me what paps are.

Duhhhh!

All right?
I'm looking for Comfort.

Well, you've come to
the right place.

So she's here, then?

- Who?
- My wife.

Oh, yes! Yes, she is.

Sorry. Yeah.
I'll take you to her.

Can I get you anything?
Tea? A shower?

Nah. I'm all right, thanks.

Oranges cut into quarters.

Do you do that thing
where it looks like

you've got a
completely orange smile?

I'm all right for food too,
thanks.

Oh, God. Yes. No, of course.

Yeah. You athletes. Always
watching your figure.

I spy with my medically-trained
eye someone who goes to the gym.

Yeah. Very much like myself.

Oh, yeah? What do you bench?

- Hm?
- What do you bench at?

Weights.
How many pounds can you lift?

Yeah. I bench at... 12 mainly.
You?

- 160.
- 160?

- You could bench me.
- I could. I am pretty strong.

- Yes, you are.
- What about my wife?

I wouldn't, no.
Not in her state.

Do you shave down there?
Your legs.

Oh, for aerodynamics.

Not so much for the football,
more for the modelling.

It's funny cos the gaffer's...
Actually, where is she?

- Who?
- Comfort.

I should probably be with her
instead of here with you.

OK. So...

You were the only one
I was allowed a fling with.

- What?
- Yeah.

I let my ex-husband
have Pippa Middleton

although he ended up
with a drug rep from Chorley.

Pretty sure that's a step down.

Please show me where my wife is.

- Room 5.
- Thanks.

- Special delivery.
- What, for me?

- I hope it's cake.
- I don't think so.

I bet it's from Ryan.

That boy doesn't understand
the word "Get lost."

He doesn't listen, Pat.
He never has.

When I dumped a boy
they stayed dumped.

Often requiring
several years of therapy.

Well, you're an example
to us all, Pat.

- You have to be cruel.
...to be kind.

- No.
- Oh, yeah.

It's from Ryan.

Well, you have to admire
his perseverance.

But you don't have to admire
his bouquet of sausages!

Oh, yeah, there's some flowers
made out of bacon.

I suppose he's put
some effort in creatively.

If he really cared, he'd put in
a nice piece of black pudding.

Why can't I have an ex-boyfriend
who works for Tiffany's?

You know it's not going to
fit in the fridge.

I'll put it in the morgue.

"A sausage in the hand
is worth two in the bush."

Hm.

"A sausage in the hand...

is worth two in the bush"?

Hi. I'm Matthew.

Sorry about the glare in here.

It is surprisingly sunny
for indoors.

I don't want anybody
to know who I am.

He's your husband,
so probably has a fair idea.

- Other people.
- Right.

I already know
who you are, I'm afraid.

You are... Comfort Evans.

- You can call me Com.
- Mm-hm.

- Really?
- It's what my friends call me.

- Not Comfy?
- Could do with an extra pillow.

Yes. OK.

It's an interesting name.

- It's Welsh.
- Comfort?

Evans. It's a big secret, right?

It's a common Welsh name,
isn't it?

- I mean this.
- Right. Who's it a secret from?

The public.
It's all about timing.

So we're holding it back for six
weeks and I'll do a huge splash.

Publicity. My manager
says if word gets out,

I'm going to be dead meat.

Listen, Com...

I do have to tell you
that there's been a leak.

Oh, my God. It's too early
for that, isn't it?

No, no, I mean
the cat's out of the bag.

Again, not a medical term.
I'm talking about your secret.

Do the press know I'm here?

Because if they do, then
someone is in serious trouble.

And when I say serious,
I mean literally serious.

Let me just um... I think I
might have got that wrong.

I think the cat actually
might still be in the bag.

So let me just go and check.

(Meows) I think that's
the bagged cat right there.

Gonna check. One second.

LISA: That's really nice.

Is there any way we could do
one more cos that's a bit ugly.

- Not of you. You're not ugly.
- (Multiple clicks)

And then maybe
just like a mad one

to show we're a bit of a laugh.

OK. Agh...

(Laughs)

- That's great. Thanks, Jamie.
- All right, sweetheart.

- You're the sweetheart!
- You are.

Thanks for showing me
where the fizzy pop shop is.

- What are you doing?
- What?

We've got to keep the cat
in the bag.

What?

No-one is supposed to
know Comfort is in hospital.

Maybe it follows
that her husband

shouldn't be prancing about
in one.

- He's not prancing about.
- A bit conspicuous.

Probably doesn't help
you're canoodling.

Canoodling?

- Were you not canoodling?
- No. It was a selfie.

- Selfie?
- Yeah. Selfie.

What?

Nothing. I just thought
you were older than 12.

- Are you jealous?
- Why would I be jealous?

- That you didn't get a selfie.
- No.

Not really turned on
by obvious male stereotypes.

Neither am I.

Actually... do you know the
reason I was taking a selfie?

You are a slave to celebrity
like everyone else here.

No. Actually,
if you must know...

the reason I wanted to take
a picture with Jamie Gordon

was to wind up Ryan.

If there's one man
he hates more than you,

it's Jamie Gordon.

He hates all footballers
who don't play for Chelsea.

- Jamie Gordon in particular.
- Stop saying Jamie Gordon.

I can stop saying Jamie Gordon.
After that time.

I mean, he's not that
good-looking in real life, so...

He's not!

Good. Thank you for clarifying.

- Now, I need to find Mr Edward.
- He's with Tash's overdue lady.

Perfect. I have to appeal
to his better nature.

Well, good luck with that!

Looking at photos
of Jamie Gordon?

What? No.

N-N-Nah.

Natasha only wants you
to hurry up

because there's another patient
she's more interested in.

I suggest we let nature
take its course.

It's not just her.
It's me. I'm desperate.

I've had curry, I've tried
bouncing on my birthing ball.

Have you tried
marital activities?

- Arguing?
- No, I mean physical relations.

Oh. I think my husband's a bit
scared of that at the moment.

Um, are you a fan of
romantic fiction?

I'm not sure.

I'm a pirate captain. Grrr.

You are my mistress.

Am I?

Oh. Oh.
Well, have you got a hook?

No. I have two
whole manly hands.

I see.

I'm coming below deck to
have my salty way with you.

- Below deck?
- Yes.

I'm unshaven, unkempt,
unprincipled.

Oh!

I'm gently perspiring as your
bosom rises in front of me.

Oh, yes!

As my pirate earrings glint
in the candlelight.

- Ow!
- There it is!

- A contraction.
- Indeed.

Goodbye. No charge.

Uh?

- This is hard.
- That's what I'm here for,

- to deal with hard things.
- It needs careful handling.

- I think.
- Better out than in, Matthew.

Unless it's a hernia.

Medical professionals
need to be careful

about who they have
relationships with. Right?

- I mean, those in authority.
- (Gasps)

Oh, my God.

I think I know
what you're trying to say.

- Do you?
- Um...

So the two of us, we work
in very close proximity with...

The person in authority
is Mr Edward.

- You've feelings for Mr Edward?
- I'm thinking of his wife.

- You've feelings for his wife?
- I feel sorry for her, yes.

- He is a married man.
- That's what's stopping you?

It should be
what's stopping him!

From doing what?

From having an affair
with a patient.

(Gasps)

See, now I'm a whistle-blower.

- Blowing my whistle.
- Toot-toot.

I shouldn't have said anything.

No, no. This is a very
serious accusation, Matthew.

Hey, who's the lucky lady...
slash man?

- Not going to be a man, is it?
- Why?

- I just said it was a patient.
- Oh, I see.

'Ey, you're good at this midwife
stuff, aren't you?

I like to think I've got the
man/woman basics, yeah.

I like to think you have too.

Back, gentlemen. Back, please.
You're like a pack of wild dogs!

Anyone who steps in front
of this line, I'll take it back.

You're OK. Anyone
who steps in front of this...

All right, this line.

Anyone who steps
in front of this line...

That's the last time I
change it. Don't mess about.

You won't like me
when I'm angry.

Don't like you anyway.

I was at Brixton, mate, OK?

Not during the riots obviously.

But I have been there.

So have I, mate. I was there
the other week.

Nice little restaurant
on the high street.

Right... Sorry about that. You
can still go back, though.

Get yourself back. Good lad.

No flash photography, mate.
People in here with leprosy.

Comfort's results. Could've
put them on eBay but I didn't.

Just saying.

Pity you didn't show
such restraint earlier on.

Don't know what you mean.

(Mutters)

OK, panic over. Braxton Hicks
as we suspected.

- That's good, innit?
- Yeah, babe.

But listen... Babe... Com.

I do need to tell you some
paparazzi know you're here.

- Who told 'em?
- Just one of those things.

I guess we'll never find out.

Say I'm here
for something different.

Do you do vajazzles?

Do you know, we don't.

My manager, he's going to
find out who did this,

he's gonna get 'em sacked
and I'm not joking.

Literally, seriously.

And he's probably gonna
sue the hospital for definite.

- Sounds awesome, really dope.
- He is.

Look, who's in charge?

Technically Luke Edward.
He's our senior consultant.

All right. So...

I mean, I'm sure you wouldn't
mind telling a little white lie.

You could sweet-talk
this Luke guy.

- Hm.
- I'll love you for ever.

- You OK with that?
- What?

Did you mean to touch my leg
as you said that?

Not a problem. But you did.

Where's the ribbon from
that sausage bouquet?

In the bin! What do you
want the ribbon for?

Matthew wants it.

"Matthew wants it."
Matthew this, Matthew that.

Stop it now.

"Oh, Matthew, I'll be
your slave, Matthew."

I'm helping a friend.

- Oh, helping, is it?
- Yes.

Whose jacket is that?

- Is that Matthew's jacket?
- No, it's not Matthew's jacket.

I got it from Jamie Gordon.

- Jamie's jacket?
- Yes!

Leave the men alone, Lisa!

It's all right.
I'm borrowing it for a friend.

What friend?

Matthew.

(Gasps)

No!

OK, on behalf of the Easthill
Park Maternity Unit,

I'd like to thank you all very
much for coming today

for this very exciting event.

We're honoured to have with us
the lovely Comfort Evans

who's agreed to come here today
specially to open

the newly-refurbished
LisaPatTashlan unit.

- So...
- Thank you. Thank you.

Um... Thanks.

I'm well happy to be here today.

The LisaPatTashlan unit
is awesome.

And if I ever really do
get pregnant...

ever, then I hope,
wherever it is,

it's... half as sick
as this place.

So, yeah. I declare this ward...
literally open.

Comfort and Jamie
will now be leaving

and unfortunately won't be able
to answer any questions today.

So we do ask that you respect
the wishes of the family

at this very
run-of-the-mill time.

Can we have your name
and position?

- Matthew Bunting.
- I've got this.

Matthew Bunting, Head
of Maternity Operations.

HOMO...

Affairs. Head of
Maternity Affairs.

- HOMA. Just been changed.
- Yes.

- Can we see inside?
- No. There's paint fumes.

What? It's our head consultant
Luke Edward,

he's a little bit anti-social.

- Doesn't like visitors.
- No. Indeed.

Or people for that matter.
Bit of an eccentric old...

- There you are.
- What a splendid ceremony.

Must have missed the memo.

I need to see the HOMA
in my office.

Caitlin thinks we should
discuss Mrs Renwick.

My bit of stuff.

Great speech. "Respect
the wishes of the family."

Mm-hm. Yeah.
Our lot always say that.

- There hasn't been a murder.
- No, there hasn't. Not yet.

(Sniffs) Ooh.

- Did you smell Jamie's jacket?
- No.

- Ow!
- Go away. Go away.

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0